Don't come into this Coffee Shop
by Akuo
All characters etc belong to square etc. and are not my work, except for the fact I just wrote this.
The villains of final fantasy are gathering in a coffee shop to determine who the most evil bad guy is. You can see various people coming in through the door in their full outfits, and of course weapons. It's like the Oscars but far more er…well you'll see. Ah, here's Kefka coming in right now, laughing manically. They've got some bouncers on the door to turn away anybody who hasn't reached a sufficient level of evil to come in. They had to turn away Quina who wanted to come just for the food, Queen Brahma, who was too fat to get in the door and Reeve aka Cait Sith because he's actually only a traitorous good guy.
Lets go to the table where the major runners for Most Evil Bad Guy are. There's a maximum of two per game so sitting around the table are…Kefka, Hojo, Sephiroth, Ultimecia, Adel, Kuja, Necron, Seymour and Yu Yevon. After comparing the lengths of their evil fingers (Ultimecia just won), the arguments began.
"So Hojo," Seymour said. "The majority of us think that you don't classify to be evil because you're crazy."
"You could say that about any of us," Hojo said.
"No, you are completely bonkers, and you have no dress sense," Kuja said.
"But I had the weird boss body and everything."
"So what," Yevon said.
"Sephiroth, don't let them chuck me out like this…"
"Why should I listen to you?"
"You are the weakest link, goodbye," Ultimecia said.
Sephiroth swung his Masamune, and Hojo was no more. None of these guys would be nice enough to spare a phoenix down would they?
"What next?" asked Necon.
"Hair," Sephiroth said. Only people with cool hair are allowed to be evil.
"Ah," Necron said.
"He hasn't got any hair!" Kefka said.
"I don't agree with all this hair stuff," Yevon said, "it was probably caused by machina."
"Out!" Ultimecia said.
"But…" Yevon and Necron chorused.
"You are not evil enough, you people with bad hair that only appear at the end of the game," Kefka said. "You do not deserve to be in our presence."
Yevon and Necron slowly walk/hover out of the coffee shop, dejected. You could almost feel sorry for them. Almost.
We are left with Kefka, Sephiroth, Ultimecia, Adel, Kuja and Seymour.
"Can't we invite my slave Seifer?" Ultimecia asked.
"No," Kefka said, "he's just deluded and isn't actually a leading bad guy."
"But neither's Adel," Kuja said.
"Why is Adel here?" Seymour asked.
"Oh, the person writing this got stuck on her for ages and thought she was really evil," Kefka said.
"Then out," Ultimecia said.
"But Ultimecia, shouldn't we sorceresses stick together?" Adel said.
"No, I wish to rule supremely."
"Bu-" Adel vanished from her seat.
"Just us five left then," Kuja said.
"Kuja, I heard that you turned good in the end when you met up with you little brother Zidane."
"Well obviously that's completely…"
"This isn't Star Wars 'I knew there was some good left in you'," Ultimecia said.
"You're not actually a bad guy are you?" Seymour said. Sephiroth started to get out his Masamune blade.
"I'll go, I'll go," Kuja said, half running, half walking to the exit.
"Oh, and you can go too Ultimecia," Seymour said.
"Why, I did the time compression and everything to ruin the world."
"You only actually appeared at the end of the game, the rest of the time you were in other people," Kefka said.
"But people still hated me," she said.
"But not for who you are," Kefka continued.
"And you have excessively long fingers," Sephiroth said.
"If you wish, but you haven't seen the last of-"
"Thank you Seymour, she was starting to get on my nerves," Sephiroth said.
"It's a pleasure."
"Just us three left then," Kefka said.
"Us two," Sephiroth and Seymour said.
"Er…guys."
"You don't look good enough to be most evil bad guy, are you actually in any FMV?" Seymour asked.
"I think that this's unfair."
"It is perfectly fair, unless you want to raise an objection with the manager," Sephiroth said.
"Who's the manager?"
"My Masamune."
"Eeeeek," Kefka said, jumping under a table.
"I'm much more evil than you Seymour," Sephiroth said. "I know we both tried to kill everybody and rule over their souls but killing Aeris was pretty evil."
"You got a point there," Seymour said, "that was one of the most poignant moments in Final Fantasy history."
"And I've got a cooler theme tune than you, so that can only mean that…"
"Actually I'm more evil than you," Seymour said. "I kissed Yuna."
"You slimy bastard. That was so evil and it makes people want to kill you so much," Sephiroth said.
"So obviously that mean that I'm the most…"
"No!" Kefka said, jumping up. "Neither of you are. I poisoned your drinks so you will die, and I will be left to be the most evil, like when I poisoned the people at Doma. Hahahaha." Sephiroth and Seymour sat still.
"Have you actually tried casting Bio or Poison on us?" Seymour said.
"We're immune," Sephiroth said.
"Oh crap."
"So obviously," Seymour said, "I can now take up my position as…"
"Did you hear that?" Sephiroth said, and he used Supernova on Kefka, lowering his HP to 0 with no final attack.
"Hear what?"
"That creaking."
"What creaking."
"It's almost mechanical."
Outside the coffee shop, the foot of the Omega Weapon crushed the whole building to dust. Evil, who needs evil, all you need is power…and a good theme tune.