Sewer Rats

“Say it! Say ‘pesky moose and squirrel’!”

“For the lastht time no!”


Kirsten swivelled around on her swivelling chair and idly tapped the screen, which promptly displayed a list of figures.
“Again?” Tyler asked tiredly.

Kirsten shrugged. “Could be worse. Three chapters of much and it’s over. Get your things.” She grabbed her pack from the metallic cabinet and the portal opener from the metal ban of controls that didn’t do anything except look pretty. “What are we going as?”

Tyler jumped up and down. “Weaponth!”

Kirsten slapped him. “No! Huge beasts of destruction do not fit in well at B-Garden! Choose something else.”

Tyler visibly deflated, which is hard when you’re roughly the shape and texture of a human skin filled with walnuts. “OK OK, fine then. Not thtudents though,” he warned.

Kirsten twiddled some generic knobs on the control pad, and the familiar matt black hole of the portal appeared. Tyler instinctively took a step back. “What?”

Kirsten smiled nastily. “Step through and find out,” she said.

Tyler shook his fist at her and walked towards it. “Tho help me woman, if it’th a dragon I’ll kill yo-“ his voice faded as he stepped through. Kirsten jumped in after him, and the two landed in the world of Gaia, circa FFVIII. In sewers.

Tyler looked down. “You liar.” He looked down further. “These shoes were new as well.”

Kirsten picked herself up and brought out her Analysis device, heedless to Tyler’s complaints.

“I mean, couldn’t you have come up with something better than workpeople?“

She hit him with it and it beeped angrily. “Silence, stupid human.”

Ow! Fine!”

Kirsten sighed. “Ok, according to the supposed author Rinoa gets lost in the sewers while looking for Edea, and ends up meeting quote unquote ‘a hansem man who helpe her, and stops the green stone lizard thingies from eating her before Squall does-“

“This ensuring romance and mush etc etc?” Tyler finished for her. “Hansem? She meets the band?”

Kirsten resisted the urge to hit him again. “I’n not going to dignify that with a response,” she sighed.
“Technically, you just did.”

“Shut up.” She strode forward through the muck. “This way.”

The two strode through the Deling sewers, wantonly slaughtering rats and monsters to relieve the tedium, when they heard the voice eckoing through the sewers.

Tyler rolled his eyes. “Let the bad spelling roll.”

“Great, now I’m lost and stuck in these stupid sewers and I’m supposed to be going to see Edea as well. What luck,” Rinoa hummed sarcastikally.

Tyler raised an eyebrow. “Hummed sarcastikally? And does it give an explanation as to why she’s in the sewer at all?”

“Sue author. You think they give explanations? Guess- get down!” she hissed, as splashing behind them alerted the two assassins to another person. The Analysis device made a glooping sound under the water, and Kirsten covered it in her cloak. When she was sure the person was gone, she broke the surface, and took a deep breath of clean air. She looked around for Tyler, and frowned when all she saw was a thin trickle of bubbles rising to the surface. She hit them, and was rewarded when the man nosily splashed back to reality, and started complaining. Again.

“It’s gonna take forever to get the smell off,” he lamented.

Kirsten grabbed his collar and dragged him away, closing her eyes as she did, reading Ahead. “Alix meets Rinoa in the next few paragraphs, helps her away from the ‘large aquaruis monster’, and then they climb out of the sewer, and meet the others.” She blinked. “Apparently the exact same point they climbed in. Stupid authors, didn’t even let the poor girl get any closer. And what is Quistis doing at the sewer entrance? She’s supposed to be guarding the gate!” She sighed in exasperation. “They never learn. Before they get out of the sewers would be best.”

Tyler ran his hands through his hair and only succeeded in covering it with more gunk. “Suits me fine. Ambush?”




Rinoa sploshed through the murky water of the sewresyetem, looked for an exit leading into the temple she needed to be to place the O Bangle on the sorceresss arm. “Damn it, why didn’t the others come with me?” She asked.

“Asked who? There’s no-one to ask,” Tyler said.

Kirsten ignored him and pointed the analysis device at the girl in blue.

[Rinoa Heartilly. Human female. Canon. Out of Character 20.42 %.]

“Is that it?” Tyler asked.

“Rinoa’s a naturally sappy person. Probably why he chose her.”

The two trailed behind Rinoa, ducking beneath the stinking mass of sewage whenever she looked back.

Rinoa siffed, and started to cry silently. “I’m never goin’ to get out here!” She shouted!

“Points for effort! Said Kirsten!” Kirsten said. “You’d think- AHHH!“ she exclaimed in pain as Tyler grabbed her hair and yanked her under the water.

Kirsten turned to complain when she saw a pair of boots stride by. The thick water-like slush wasn’t slowing him down. She would have rolled her eyes if doing so would not have leaked raw crap into her skull. She waited the requisite minutes and then came up again. She turned to Tyler, who was retching and trying to spit out green… stuff. “Him,” she said simply.

Tyler nodded and talked between retched. “Yeah… Prob… ably.”
Kirsten splashed after the Stu. “After him!” she exclaimed. “Get him before they get out of the sewers and save us all some effort.” She didn’t wait for a reply.


Rinoa turned, and gasped as a hansem man suddenly came around the corner into view. He had bluey grey eyes and carried a sowrd confidently at his side, walking along the path, he was dressed all in blue and had black hair and a calm face.

A couple of yards behind the scene, Kirsten was whispering under her breath. “Don’t say it don’t say it-“

“Well, what is a pretty girl like you doing in a sewer like this?” The man said.

“-Yup, he said it. Smarmy bastard.”

Rinoa smiled dazzlingly. “My name is Rinoa and I need to get to see Edea, it’s very inportnat.” She said.

The man smiled. “Well, I’m Alix. Nice to meet you. I know a way out of here just around this way. Want to come with me?” He asked smilingly.

Smilingly? What dictionary is this guy using?” Kirsten asked herself. She heard a thumping noise and turned to see Tyler, apparently trying to knock himself out on the wall. “I thought you didn’t like Rinoa?”

“I…thump…don’t. But… thump… this cheesy… thump… dialogue is… thump… terrible.” He blinked, and drew his head back. “I feel better now.”

Kirsten hissed and grabbed him. “Ambush, now.” She pointed in the general direction the two had went. “Follow.” She reached into her pocket.

“And where, pray, will you be?” Tyler asked.

Kirsten drew the portal opener out of a generic RPG-style pocket. “Ahead of you all the way,” she said, and vanished.


“You see this is where I came in. Let me help you with that.” He said and gave Rinoa a legup onto the street. Rinoa looked back down at him.

“Grab my hand!” She exclaimed.

Alix climbed the ladder-

And then a hand grabbed him and threw him off. He landed down in the sewers, and came up coughing. He turned to look up at a man with slick black hair, glaring at him evilly. He frowned. “What are you doing? Who are you?” He asked.

Tyler smiled evilly. “Alix… whatever melodramatic and dumb last name you have chosen for yourself, you have been accussed- Well, you’ve been found guity of… warping the personality of Rinoa Heartilly, and intent to warp the personalities of others, including but not limited to the Children of Fate, Cid and Edea Kramer, and Ultimecia. You also, in my opinion, stand charged of bad grammar and terrible dialogue. These aren’t actual charges but since you’re going to die anyway I’ll let them slide. Any last words?

Alix stood and withdrew his sword from his sheath. “You cannot do this to me, for I am-“

Tyler shook his head. “You weren’t going to use line that till chapter five, but it’s the last straw. Kirsten?”




Tyler stepped backwards and wiped the blood from his eyes as Kirsten took the piano wire from around the dead Stu’s neck and put it back into her pocket. “Taking tips from 47 again?”

“Silence. Let’s just get out of the damned sewer.” She picked up the body and slung it over her shoulder. She felt something tear.
“I’ll get it,” Tyler said, and bent down to pick up the head. “Well?” he asked.

Kirsten shrugged. “I was thinking Time Compression.”

Tyler shook his head. “Underwater Research Facility?” he asked.
Kirsten opened her mouth, but then decided against it. Corpses were damned heavy. “Yaaaay!”


They stepped out into darkness, and quickly dropped the body. Tyler looked around at the glowing fungi of the Underwater Ruins, but a series of heavy footsteps made him turn and stare enraptured as Weapon lumbered towards them and regarded them coldly.

“You again?”

“Bodies gotta go somewhere,” Kirsten said with a shrug. “And we know how much you like the taste of human flesh, what with the killing and the trapping at the bottom of the ocean and all.” The thing picked up the body in one finger. “Thanks for letting us use this place,” she finished quickly, and turned back towards the portal.

Munch – Anytime – chew.”

Kirsten and Tyler stepped through the portal back to the Response Centre before he started eating.


“Remind me never to get on his bad side.”

“Done and done,” Tyler said.

Kirsten threw herself done on the couch-cum-sleeping bed and closed her eyes. “I hate those romantics,” she whispered.
“Tho do we all. Anyway, thleepy time!”

Kirsten’s eyes slammed open. “Ohjesus! I almost forgot!” she said.

Tyler looked at her quickly. “What what ith it?”

“Say pesky moose and squirrel!”

“Thod off!”

The end. For now,

If anyone finds any really bad fics, will they tell me? I want to do more of these things. >)

Oh, and if anyone finds one where the Sue/Stu visits the Underwater Research Facility, I'll love him/her.

Will they never cease to plague our poor little heroes?