Real Killers Always Improvise
My main problems with this fic were;
A) The sheer obviousness of the Stu. Just look sta his character bio at the start.
B) Utterly terrible choice of script format for a non-humour romance fic.
c) Lack of any description whatsoever, except for 'house', 'ocean', and 'place'.
“Lookth like it’th that time again.”
Tyler looked around, and then slapped the side of the small desk they had just had installed.
Kirsten jumped to her feet. “Wha? Whazzat? M’awake…”
A sigh. “I thaid we got another one.”
Kirsten sloped over to the screen, regarded it balefully, and then sloped back. “It’s FFX, not VIII”
“Ourth ith not to reathon why,” Tyler said solemnly, and grabbed her gently, spinning her around to face her pack. She fell down. “Oh fine, be that that…” He grabbed it himself.
“What we goin’ as?” Kirsten asked, regaining some pretence of alertness.
“It’th post-Thin, so Yevo ith out what are you giggling at?”
“Say Sin again.”
“Thod off.” She looked downtrodden, and then squealed as he picked her up and threw her headfirst through the portal. They landed in a remote non-specified region of Spira seconds later.
Kirsten: I truly, truly hate you.
She rubbed her head.
Tyler: That’ll teach you to bet you could drink more than Acacia then. You know how competitive she gets.
Kirsten looked up and groaned.
Kirsten: Oh great, script format.
Tyler: Nothing we can do about it. Come on.
The two assassins walked away from the closing portal and trekked carefully towards the sound of voices.
Kirsten looked at her Analyser.
Kirsten: OK, we got flashbacks we are going to avoid, non-specific terrain, and cheesy dialogue. Nothing wrong with script format, so we’re not gonna charge him for it. It’s plain ‘ole Stu-ness this time.
Tyler leaned over and stared at her. He reached across and scrolled down.
Tyler: He rescues Rikku from a river after Cid arranges her marriage – do Al Bhed do that? – and then takes her home.
Kirsten: A simple application of the knock knock whamp technique will suffice here.
Tyler: A what?
Kirsten: Explain it do you later. We’re almost there. Watch.
They watched as Rikku fell into a river, and Wakka went off to get help.
Tyler looked across at his partner.
Tyler: She never had trouble swimming in the games. Inconsistency with known characteristics I say.
Rikku: (coughs) (panting)
She had managed to grab a hold of a rock.
Rikku: (panting) I've...gotta...get out...of this...water...
Rikku had lost her grip of the rock.
Rikku looked up ahead.
Rikku: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! A WATERFALL!!!
???: Hang on!!
Rikku: (cough) Huh?
Rikku reached out and felt her hand connect with another hand.
???: Hold on! (struggling)
The shadowy figure had successfully pulled Rikku out of the rapids right before she went plummeting down the waterfall.
Rikku: (panting) Who...?
???: (panting) Are you all right?
Rikku looked up to see a boy, about one year older than herself, a very handsome boy at that.
Rikku: 'He's cute...Did he just save me?'
Kirsten: He sure did, and now he’s going to die!
Tyler: Are you going to tell me what the knock knock whamp technique is?
Kirsten: Later. Follow now.
The two assassins trailed the script-speaking characters back to-
The two were momentarily jolted out of the enforced script format of the fic as the man’s house came into view. It was just a grey fuzz, the mark of a writer who had forgotten to descrive a location. This one didn’t even both to have added a single word about it. Rikku and Shadowy Man walked clean through a shadow of a door. Then Kirsten grabbed his arm, and the fic’s rules descended on them once again.
Kirsten: OK, the hell with this.
Kirsten closed her eyes and concentrated. The grey fuzz developed shape and form as she described it in her mind. She opened her eyes again.
Kirsten: Take this.
She handed Tyler a large mallet.
Kirsten: Careful, it’s a Baka Mallet, very dangerous. I borrowed it, but the owner needs it back soon.
Tyler hefted it. He smiled.
Tyler: I begin to see. OK.
Kirsten stood and walked towards the newly-described house, Tyler dragging the huge mallet behind him.
Kirsten: We get him after Rikku falls asleep. He sings to her, so we can wait until she falls asleep…
The two slowed their pace as they neared the house, and heard voices through the inadequate walls.
Max: Welcome to my humble abode! (giggles) I've always wanted to say that! Make yourself at home, Rikku.
Rikku: Wow. Your house is so pretty.
Max: Thanks. You can sit here by the fireplace. I'll get you a change of clothes.
Before she sat down, Rikku saw a portrait above the fireplace. There was a man in it.
Max: My father...
Rikku: Huh? This is your dad?
Max: Yeah. He was...killed...by a fiend...
Max: My mom was so upset, he mostly just slept. She eventually became bedridden. I did my best to take care of her, but...
Max: Now I live here with my sister. Alone.
Max: Here. Some of my sister's clothes.
Rikku: Thanks, Max.
Rikku looked back at the portrait and sighed
Shortly, Rikku found Max in the kitchen making some hot chocolate. She noticed him humming an old melody.
Rikku: How do you...know that song?
Max: Oh, Rikku. I didn't hear you. Well, to tell you the truth, I found it in an old song book.
Rikku: My brother...Brother - that IS his name, by the way - would always sing it to me before I go to sleep.
Max: Oh...I see...
Rikku: Could you...sing it to me, Max?
Max took a deep breath and began.
Kirsten and Tyler put their fingers in their ears.
Max: What do you think? Rikku?
Rikku had fallen asleep on his shoulder. Max just smiled. He scooped her up in her arms and gently put her bed.
Max: Goodnight, Rikku...
Max went to open the door. He saw a woman gesturing to him and frowned. He stepped outside to see wha-
Tyler raised the mallet again.
Tyler: Eww. Woman's gonna be pissed with you for getting blood on her mallet.
Kirsten: I’ll nuke that bridge when I come to it. What shall we do with the corpse?
Tyler: Oh! I have an idea! Cross-Continuum allowed?
Tyler: Then here we gooooo…
The portal opened and deposited them on the rocky hillside. Tyler immediately stood and marvelled.
“Thank Christ, that script was getting annoying."
Kirsten: You can say that ag- “I mean, yeah. We gonna do this or what?”
Tyler nodded, then gave one heave, and the body of the Stu flew off his shoulder, bounced a few times off some rocks, and fell into the green depths of the Northern Crater.
Kirsten turned, and saw another group of people, also standing on the side of the crater. She waved. A blonde guy with hair that could puncture spacehoppers waved back hesitantly, and then Tyler grabbed her hand.
“No interaction, you know the rules,” he hissed.
Kirsten pouted. “You’re becoming such a spoilsport. I wanna go talk to Cloud!”
Tyler sighed, and then smiled. “Fine, one question.”
“Yaaaaay!” Kirsten scrambled happily over to the group of heroes, who looked slightly non-plussed that someone had gotten here before them. Tyler followed slowly.
I need a holiday…
He's not getting a holiday unless he brings an electric cutter to his boss, if I'm allowed to guess. Those sunflowers are not very understanding.