The reason Tyler has a beak is because when on a PPC mission he got turned into a Pak Protctor, and the PPC infirmary is for shit, as he will readily testify. I might actually write the mission one day. Another day I might even give him a cure. Unlikely.
I have no idea why, but the idea of the Agora as a hotel full of crazy people appeals to me.
“We’re being what?”
You’re being hired out.
Because we can’t afford to pay you.
“You never paid us anyway!”
Ah, but now we’re admitting it, see?
Kirsten sat down heavily on the chair opposite the Sunflower Official’s desk and put her hands over her face. “And is this person paying us?”
You might say that-
“But then again we might not. Gotcha. OK. Fine. What is it?” she asked tiredly. The Sunflower Official handed over a stack of notes, and Kirsten stared at him. “I just watched you hand those to me and I have no idea how you did it…”
Silence. Go, lest Chaos descend.
Alright, descend even more then.
Kirsten threw the stack of notes down on a table and walked over to the control panel. Tyler was either asleep or dead, it was hard to tell, so she kicked him.
“Owtch! What wath that for?”
She merely pointed, and he looked at the stack. They glowed.
She typed the location of one of the offending fics into the display and watched it cough and splutter ominously. A few seconds later an AN/S (Authors Note Summary) popped up on the screen, an she read it out loud as Tyler listened in horror.
“Is this insanely funny? Yes. Will this make me laugh my wig off? Yes. Will it give me a girlfriend. No. Will it tickle my funny bone? YES for the heck of cripes YESH. Sorry.anyways welcome to my FFX Adventure. This means. Me and my friends are going to be stuck in the hell known as FFX for god knows how long. Stabbing our way through feinds and Insulting the Yevonites While we go through this wonderland known as spira. Kicking but along the way…”
She turned to Tyler. “OK, this person dies.”
“It’th not going to get him a girlfriend, he made thure of that.”
Kirsten disappeared behind a convenient screen to change as Tyler leafed through the stack of notes the SO had given them. “Thith one needth lethonth, thith one too. Thith one detherves death. He looked back up. “Why do MS tendanthies and writing skillth always theem mutually excluthive?” he lamented.
“No lamenting.” She walked back from around the screen. In armour. And weaponry. “Come on, we’re off to the real world.”
“Ith’nt that a bit conthpicuouth?” Tyler said, gesturing down at Kirsten’s battle-body.
“It’s not the real real world, just a convenient substitute where Mary-Sues can start before ‘being magically transported to the continuum.” Come on. She picked up the portal-opener from the desk, and pointed it at a deserted section of wall. The black hole in space opened, and she jumped in, followed by Tyler.
One day me and my Friend Carie are playing Final fantasy X then we get bored and stop playing it...then we start again.and stop..and start.stop.start stop start stop well you get it by now..Then my friend gets a soda for me and her and then I see a creepy Screen appear.like in the Ring. *You know THE RING. The horror movie* Anyways I see these weird pictures and stare oddly for a second then My aunt Zaira yells
“No!” Tyler shouted, “I refuse to become part of some Ring-crossover first-person narrative nightmare!”
"Aren't you done playing that game yet!? Its almost lunchtime!"
Then I yelled back,
"NO AUNT ZARIA GIVE ME ANOTHER FEW MINUTES!"
"Fine! I'll save you some KFC!"
“She eats KFC as well. Can we get some?” Tyler asked.
Kirsten looked around at him. Since they were in the sorta-realworld, he had assumed his own form for a change, that of a tall black-haired man in his early twenties, with green eyes and a face that wound have been almost handsome had he gotten some real sleep in the past three weeks. “Shhh.”
"Kay Auntie zaria!"
Carie comes back with the soda and sits down And watchs in the odd pictures with me. As she says
"Crystal what is this?"
And I respond so bravely
"Hell how should I know?"
we just stare oddly until it ends, We continue playing FFX Then the phone rings I Pick it up and say
“Gods, one sentence paragraphs strike again…” Kirsten muttered. “And capital letters in the wrong places.”
Then a icy cold voice said
"You have Seven days before sin attacks"
Kirsten hit Tyler on the head with the butt of her pistol. “Quiet! They might hear us!”
Tyler wiped tears from his eyes. “It’s so bad it’s funny.”
Kirsten glared at him. “If you start thinking like that, then thinking these fics serve a purpose in this universe is the next step.”
Tyler stopped laughing.
I pondered that while auntie zaria went out for KFC
“And full stops? Do they have them?”
“Maybe they just think they’re ink smudges.”
Then carie asked
"what was that about??
I shrugged and said
"I dunno something about seven days and sin"
Carie shrugged as well and grabbed a microphone.
naaaah.how about we kill some bosses in FFX?
"Sure" said carie walking over and starting the system up
“And then suddenly, the speech marks vanished! I mean come on, what’re they using, Notepad?” Tyler asked, as a scene break suddenly appeared below them.
We Played for seven days-
“Straight? Why have their eyes not melted?” Tyler pondered.
-Drinking soda and Eating fast food.strangely enough we didn't gain a pound.
“Of course not darlings. You’re Sues. Weight gain is strictly verboten,” Kirsten added.
THEN..We noticed a image of SIN. The bad monster in the game when it shouldn't have been..Carie was weirded out by this and I looked then renemberd the call of Seven days sin attacks.then I took base of action and said
“A what of action?”
“Does this base belong to her?”
This is a deathly silence. Just thought you should know. I’ll repair the forth wall on my way out.
“Shut the hell up,” Kirsten said venomously.
"CARIE! GET THE ICE AND SODA! We're leaving on a adventure!"
“Yeah, never mind the medical kits, mozzie spray, take what’s important to stupid kids like yourselves.”
Carie stood looking at me oddly
"what are you waiting for!?!" I asked strangely "GO GET THE SUPPLIES"
“I think the reason she is staring at you oddly is because you are a loon,” Tyler added helpfully.
Then carie rushed off and got the most junk food she could get and lots of soda, and then I said
“I think they missed a word there,”
"GOOD we're ready for anything!"
“Because we have soda! And it is all powerful!” Tyler said cheerfully.
Kirsten hit him again. “Shut up.”
Then I looked back at the screen and carie just stared at me like I was insane
"ACK" Carie yelled "I forgot the Captian crunch!"
I gasped in fear and said
"GO GET IT!"
Kirsten looked at Tyler “The what?”
He shrugged. “Some sort of crunchy seaman maybe?” He brightened up. “Hey, maybe there’s more than one of them. That would mean they’d be crunchy seame-“
“Don’t you dare!” Kirsten shouted. The Sues, locked in first-person narration, did not notice.
then carie ran off to our cupboards and got the captain crunch in time.
"Okie captain we got the basic food group." Carie Saluted.
“What, carbohydrates and suger? This sueobvious didn’t do Home Ec…”
We watched the screen silently then the words appeared before us saying
"Are You Ready?" The words changed "If You Are..Press the Enter button"
“On a PS2? Have these girls even played on one before?” Kirsten asked in amazement.
But just as the heros were going to set off another joined them
Comeing down the stairs screaming "HALT" was Flash Zephy their friend with FFX items when we both asked
"How the hell did you get those?"
Then Zephy replyed
"I Got them from a place.Here you can have em!" Zephy threw em at us and ran
“He comes in, hands them items that, and this is important; do not exist in the real world, and then runs back out again?” Tyler said, beyond surprise.
“And the punctuation still runs rampart. They seem to go from one place and end up in another. Can these people not even be consistent with their own placement?”
we both thanked Zephy loudly and then looked at the screen as I said
"CARIE hold on to the items tightly! We're in for a bumpy ride!"
Carie looked at me as though I was insane again
"Carie stop doing that.."
“I wouldn’t. Run Carie, for the love of Hyne run! ” Kirsten shouted.
Then curie stopped looking and held onto the bags tightly as I commanded as I looked back at the T.V Screen and said
And carie gulped scared like
"I'll take that as a yes"
“Yeah, all scared like. Stop narrating like a Geordie,” Tyler muttered.
I pushed the enter button then the screen said
“THERE IS NO ENTER BUTTON ON A PS2! LOOK AT THE DAMNE CONTROLLER!”
"Are you REALLY ready?"
then I pressed enter again then we went through the whole thing until it said
"ARE YOU REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY READY!?!"
then I said "YES WE ARE! GET ON WITH IT!"
“A morsel of sense in this cold, bad fic.”
Carie was asleep by the time I pressed the enter button and
“…The chapter ended. Meh,” Tyler said to himself, as Kirsten opened the portal again to the FFX continuum.
Yes. It was Official. Me and carie came through the T.V and are lost.In somewhere..not nowhere.SOMEWHERE. Then we Suddenly hear
” US! Coming to kill you! ” Tyler shouted. The two had instantly recognised this as the Bajj Temple, and had hidden behind one of the many collapsed piles of rubble.
"Hey, wait! Wait! Don't go out on me! Just hold on. I'll get more wood!"
Kirsten shook her head. “I always thought Tidus was an idiot. And here he is, talking to a fireplace.” She turned to see the two Sues materialised from nowhere-
“They could have at least say they walked in on him…”
Tyler said quietly. “Also, didn’t that just turn into third-person narration for a second?”
“Shhh. Here they come,” Kirsten whispered, as the fic slipped back into first-person.
Then we walk over to it to see a Blonde boy walking around mindlessly as we ponder who he is
“They play FFX, yet then do not recognise the main character. I wonder what this girl was on when she wrote this?”
then Suddenly, Klikk appeared. Tidus fights Klikk.
“It has it’s own name? I feel sorry for it. Rather death than this fic."
During the fight, we rush in And use our mega chubby chicken attack Then tidus said
“PLEASE LET THE PAIN STO- Fmmfmf!” Tyler said, as Kirsten clapped a hand over his mouth.
“Alright, that goes beyond everything. They die.” Kirsten agreed vigorously.
" You on my side? Cool!" As he slashed away at the beast
“He stole that line from when Rikku comes in.”
”I know. Be quiet.”
Then.. the sealed door blew up and the Al Bhed people appeared. A girl came and assisted Tidus in the fight against Klikk. And I mutterd "Show offs"
“Says you, with your mega-fucking-chubby chicken attack,” Tyler hissed.
After we teamed up to defeat Klikk, the girl took off her goggles Then tidus said
”’Hey, get these two Sues away from me, please!’” Tyler said, doing a bad job of Tidus’ voice.
"Whew! That was close."
”Par for the course,” Kirsten dismissed.
One of the Al Bhed people grabbed Tidus by the hair.
”Well, at least they seem to have played it. Although on what console only God knows.”
" Hey, lemme go!"Yelled tidus
”And then the spaces also went! Are monkeys writing this for her?”
“Maybe if they did it would have been better?” Tyler asked.
Me and Carie cheerd as the Al Bhed's almost strangled him. As the al Bheds spoke in..Well.AL BHED!.
"Fryd ec drec? (What is this?)" said one of them
"Y fiend! Eh risyh teckieca! Oac! Ed ec cu! (A fiend! In human disguise! Yes! It is so!)" Said another Al Bhed pokeing tidus in the rib as we giggled
and they noticed us. And said
”Sues! Must kill them! Only they said it in Al Bhed, probably,” Tyler added.
"Vydran! Nayto du ku!( Look those two are girls! We must take them with us along with this one!!}"
”Or, you could leave them here to die! So we could kill them in peace!”
"(holding a blade near Tidus' neck) Fa gemm ed? (We kill it?)" said a Al Bhed me and Carie really liked because of the knife.
”And they’re also psychotic? What kind of people write fics nowadays?” Kirsten asked.
Then The little girl piped up and said "Fyed? Fryd ev ed ec risyh? (Wait? What if it is human?)"
"Drao yna dra cysa eh taydr. (They are the same in death.)" Said another Al Bhed we liked to we giggled with glee.
”Ok, that made no sense.”
"E vunpet ed! Fa pnehk ed fedr ic. (I forbid it! We bring it with us.) (looks close at Tidus) Cunno. (Sorry.)" Said the girl.we were sorta warming up to her.
”Yeah, ‘cause you obviously don’t recognise her, you stupid Sues.”
The girl punches Tidus in the guts and the other guys just jabbed us in the guts too. The Al Bheds take us and Tidus to the Al Bhed ship. In the Al Bhed ship...
Tyler coughed as he landed in ocean. Another splash told him Kirsten had landed near him. He kicked desperately with his arms and surfaced, looking around for the Al Bhed- Shit!
He dived again, swimming towards the murky bottom as Kirsten’s armour weighed her down.
Damnit, why’d you need to bring armour for this? he muttered. A hand appeared form the darkness, and he grabbed it and started to haul it up. A dull underwater clunk sounded, and then the going became easier.
The two broke surface and gasped for air. Tyler grabbed his partner around the waist and hauled her towards the Al Bhed Salvager, ignoring the fatigue in his legs. He laid her out on the metal deck and collapsed against the railing on the front of the ship, far out of site of any windows.
“That…” he wheezed, “was the worst location shift I have ever went through!”
Kirsten sat up against him. “A-sodding-greed.”
"(elbowing Tidus) Ced, lybdeja! (Sit, captive!)" and we sat up before we had to get the gun to the gut wake up call
"Whoa... Okay." Tidus said with some sort of glee I dunno what it was it was just strange so we giggled. Mindlessly as the Al Bheds continue jabbing us with their Machina and I said
"HEY! @$$ Stop jabbin us with your stupid machina!" But that only lead to me being punished worst then ever. Enter Rikku and her gooney Al Bhed friends. One proceeded to yell in Al Bhed again and started to push Tidus. That pissed me off. No one messes with Tidus but me and Carie! I shoved the guy and shouted,"Suhgao Valac!"
Tyler edged around the side of the ship, trying to get a good view. The bad thing about Sues in this scene was that it was nearly impossible to get them alone. He hard dry retching behind him and grabbed Kirsten’s hand. “You’ll feel better after we kill them,” he assured her.
“I lost my armour! That was my damned armour!”
“Why did you bring it anyway?”
“I wanted to feed them to Shelob, and I didn’t want to be eaten along with her. So much for that idea…”
Everyone, except Tidus and me started laughing. I turned to carie, "What did I just say?"
"You," gasp, "you just said," gasp/laughter, "'monkey feces!'"
So I did the only thing I was capable of..Sitting on my butt for hours listening to the Al Bheds speak Al Bhed.
Both of the assassins staggered as time shifted violently around them and an unspecified amount of hours passed in a few seconds. Luckily they managed to avoid falling into the water. Again.
"Caynlr res! (Search him!)" Said the strange looking Al Bhed dude without a shirt.WITHOUT A SHIRT! I eeked for about two minutes at the shirtless wonder then the guard jabbed me again. Then I screamed "BLOODY MURDER!" and then everyone starred at me for a few mintues then the guard jabbed me yet again then I Lunged at his face trying to bite it off after 5 minutes I was happyily being beaten by the other al bhed while carie just whistled and slided leftwards away from me
“Ok, she screams with glee at a guy without a shirt. She is therefore about ten years old. She actually screams ‘bloody murder’, which means she has no grasp of the English language, and she can narrate perfectly while getting the crap beaten out of her. This is a talented and disturbed woman,” Tyler said as he watched the Sue get what she deserved. He was disappointed that she didn’t seem to be affected.
And then our cute little puppy.umm as I call tidus now that stupid lost blonde boy had nor the happy effect on me anymore Anyways he said
”…As he magically turned into Squall!” Kirsten shouted. “If my character scanner wasn’t on the bottom of the ocean by now it would have exploded.”
And, according to dramatic and comedic laws of everywhere, a dull explosion sounded from below the waves and drifted to the surface.
“That wasn’t funny,” Tyler muttered.
Making the shirtless guy say "Tu oui hud cbayg? (Do you not speak?)"
I fell over giggleing until they kicked my sides making me sit up. Then.I felt a rush of action rush trough me.
"THIS IS A STICKUP! EVERYONE OFF THE SHIP!"
”What are they holding them up with?” Tyler asked in confusion.
Then I was painfully kicked in the back of the head and carie edged away more. As I had, had enough. I jumped up and did a totally matrix move wth my split legs and every thing.the only flaw was..I COULDN'T DO THE SPLITS IN THE FIRST PLACE ..so they just ended up kicking me until I was bloody and acheing.as the shirtless dude showed Tidus a goggle. And puppy said
”For the love of Jebus…” Kirtsen said. “And again she doesn’t mind getting beaten up. And as far as I can tell she is not Carrie-Ann Moss.”
"I said I don't understand!"
"Ehcumahla! (Insolence!)" Yelled our newfound funny friends.
Fyed! (Wait!) (to Tidus) He said you can stay if you make yourself useful.
”Where the hell did the speech marks go?”
I could have sworn that girl called Tidus Fred.
”I couldn’t have. If this Sue on the same planet as her fic is?”
"You...You understand me?" Said our puppy.
One of the Al Bhed struck Tidus. So I just leaped at the Al Bhed's face again Then tidus said
"All right, I'll work!"
Such a nice little doggie we have doing the work for us two young cute girls. Teee hee.
The chapter cut out, and everyone froze.
The two rushed forwards, dodging around the Al Bhed as the air vibrated and the next chapter prepared to start. It stopped as Kirsten grabbed the sue and Tyler the other ones, opened the portal quickly, and vanished, leaving Tidus, Rikku and the others to wonder exactly what the hell had just happened.
“Where am I?” the sue asked groggily. “Ow!”
Kirsten put her pistol away again. “Quiet. You don’t want to make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.” She stopped. “Actually, you already did that, so what the hell.” She pistol-whipped the sue again. Tyler was holding back the sues friend by simply grabbing one arm.
“Rikku-Chan191, I hereby accuse you of, to whit, having no grammar skills whatsoever, abusing the character of Tidus slightly – he is a bit of a wimp, I’ll give you that, improper use of first-person narration, calling your fic a comedy while in fact nails on a chalkboard is more enjoyable, using the Ring and Matrix references where none should be, being so stupid you didn’t recognise the main characters of the game you were playing, having not even a bad reason, heaven forbid a good one, why you were transported there in the first place. Tyler, anything to add?”
“You my girl, are an idiot.”
“Done!” She turned, and the sue heard a scream from her luckless friend that was suddenly cut off as Tyler removed the knife from her throat. She struggled, but Kirsten had her by the arms.
“Nope, we have something special for you,” Kirsten said. One arm was removed from around the Sues, and a black portal opened. She pushed the sue forward and the Tyler followed soon after.
The sue looked around and actually grinned.
The place they had jumped to seemed be some sort of large hotel foyer. A woman was leaning against the wall near an elevator, a smile on her face. Everything was various pleasant shades of blue, and several doors led off from it. She read a couple;
RPG Media Forum.
Kirsten let her go and pushed her away roughly. The sue turned back and shoved her tongue out.
Kirsten just shook her head and smiled sadly. “I didn’t want to do this, but Tyler convinced me. We’re not going to kill you.”
“Shut up. We’re going to drive you insane first.” A single door opened, and the sue caught glimpses of people beyond it, wreathed in smoke and shadows, and sinister laughed echoed. The sue shivered, and turned to complain, but Kirsten had her gun out again, and she turned and ran though. The door closed behind her with a final muted thud. Locks were heard to shut.
“And that takes care of that!”
Kirsten turned to face the woman leaning against the wall. “Cheers for the priso- err… accommodation… for the sue,” she said.
Weiila smiled. “No problem. I sent them to you, least I could do was provide suitable punishment.”
Tyler gaped. “We’ve been hired out to you? ” he asked in disbelief.
“Don’t expect to get paid anytime soon.”
“We never did anyway.”
“I’d like to see the look on her face when she meets the members,” Kirsten said wistfully. Then she frowned slightly. “Assuming she still has one by then.” She turned and opened a portal back to their Response Centre. Tyler waved cheerfully and jumped through, followed by Kirsten a few seconds later.
“We should go thtay there at thome point. It looked like a nithe plathe to go for a weekend…” Tyler said as he sat back down against the wall and picked up a book, back to his as-yet uncured Pak form.
“Are you crazy? The guests are insane! Actually, so are most of the management. Meh.” She stared around listlessly.
“Don’t worry, we’re get your armour back,” Tyler reassured her.
Kirsten sighed and looked balefully at the notes on the table.
“Looks like we got some work to do…”
*Weiilanote: In reality we’re not THAT horrible on the boards. Really. And Charlemagne is the only one who eats people’s faces. I promise. Muhahaha…
Onwards! For Great Justice! And watch out for the Babelfish virus!