Call Me A Treasurehunter Part 2
a musical by DomaDragoon



We open to find Setzer wandering through the slums of Midgar. It's obvious that he knows his way around. Although the music from "Skid Row" is playing, there's no singing. Setzer arrives at a non-descript door and knocks three times. The door opens and he enters. Meanwhile, Locke's been teaching the others the basics of sneaking around. Setzer enters.

     Karn: It's the Boss!

     Locke: What?!

     Setzer: I need your help.

     Bow: After all the times you helped us out? No problem!

     Locke: You mean that your boss is the world's richest gambler? Strangely, that makes


     Setzer: My daughter's gone. I need someone to find her.

     Yuffie: Are you sure she didn't run away?

     Setzer: Why would she? She was about to be married to the great merchant Gobi!

     Yuffie, Bow, Karn, Locke: She ran away.

     Setzer: In any case, I need a brave volunteer to return her safely. I'll offer any reward at


     Locke: To save a damsel in distress? I'm in!

     Setzer: Great! Here's her picture!

Locke looks at the picture and is shocked. Instantly, he rushes out to search. Cue song: "A Hero I Shall Be")


Locke: I thought that my life would be boring

     Devoid of any sense of excitement

     Just constant misappropriating.

     But now I find there's more in store for me...

     Sure, I live on the edge of life daily.

     But that's simply for my own gain and profit

     Now to save my lady love?

     Oh yes, a hero I shall be.


     I will trade blows with fearsome fighters.

     I will search through the sandy shores.

     I will scout out seedy hideouts carefully.

     I will pick the locks of bank vault doors...

(people on stage glare at Locke.

Locke: What? Old habits die hard.)


     So now I'm a knight in shining armour

     In search of my fair princess.

     My damsel in distress shall be free!

     For a hero... (a hero?), yes a hero (not likely...)

     Yes a hero I shall be.


(Meanwhile, Celes is searching around for someone, but gets ambushed by pirates. That's all I have to say about that. The pirates arrive at their ship, the "Spoony Bard". Cue song: "The Pirate Song" from The Curse of Monkey Island)


Faris :We're a band of vicious pirates,

     A-Sailing out to see

     When you hear our gentle singing,

     You'll be sure to turn and flee!

Guybrush : Come on men! We've got to get going before they follow us!

Vyse: The pirate will be done for when he falls into our trap!

     We're a club of rune-ful rovers,

     We can sing in every clef,

     We can even hit the high notes,

     It's too bad we're tone deaf


     Pirates: A pirate I was meant to be,

     Trim the sails and roam the sea!

     Trim the sails and roam the sea!

Guybrush : Let's go defeat that evil pirate!

Bikke: We know he's sure to lose cos' we know just where to fire at!

     We're thieving balladeers,

     We're a gang of Cut-Throat Mugs,

     To fight us you don't need guns,

     Just really good ear plugs!


Guybrush: All right crew, lets get to work!

Vyse : Our vacation is a thing we love, a thing we'd never shirk!

     We'll fight you in the harbor,

     We'll battle you on land,

     But when you meet singing pirates,

Guybrush : They'll be more than you could stand...

Guybrush : No time for song! We've got to move!

Faris : The battle will be long but our courage we will prove!

     We're a pack of scurvy sea dogs,

     Have we pity? not a dram!

     We all eat roasted garlic....

     Then sing from the diaphragm.


Guybrush : Less singing! more sailing!

Bikke: When we defeat our wicked foe, his ship he will be bailing!

     If ye try ta fight us

     You'll get a nasty wackin'

     If you disrespect our singin'

     We will feed you to a Kraken'

Guybrush : I'm getting so sick of you guys and your rhyming.

Faris: We're ready to set sail, though the cannons need a-priming.

     We're troublesome corsairs,

     And we've come to steal your treasures,

     We would shoot you on the downbeat, ...

     But we have to rest five measures.

Guybrush : STOP! STOP! STOP!

Bikke: The brass is what we'll polish and the deck is what we'll mop

Guybrush : You say you're nasty pirates...

...Scheming, Thieving, bad bushwhackers,

From what I've seen I tell you,

You're not pirates! You're just slackers!


Guybrush : We'll surely avoid scurvy if we all eat an orange

Pirates : And....! .....Um.... ....Err... Door-Hinge?

No, no. Guess the song is over then.

Okay! Back to work.

Guybrush : Gee! I guess I feel a little guilty now...

(We cut to Celes, who's trapped below decks. Cue reprise: "My Heart's Been Stolen")

Celes: If I close my eyes, I can see him standing there.

     Will I ever see his face again?

     I could live through this torture, if he was at my side.

     He must surely be the world's greatest thief...

     For my heart's been stolen.

(Back up decks, Locke arrives as the pirates prepare to cast off. He challenges Captain Guybrush to a duel. Of course, it's insult fighting! And Celes is watching her hero battle!

     Guybrush: You fight like a dairy farmer!

     Locke: Um... right.

     Guybrush: You make me want to puke.

     Locke: Aren't we supposed to be fighting or something?

     Faris: That is his idea of fighting. You have to insult him back and trump his insults.

     Guybrush: People fall at my feet when they see me coming!

     Locke: Even before they smell your breath?

     Guybrush: There are no clever moves that can help you now!

     Locke: Yes there are. You just never learned them.

     Celes: You can do it! I have faith in you!

     Guybrush: Ridiculous! You sound like a chapter from a self-help book!

     Locke: Wait a minute, you're not Guybrush Threepwood!

     Guybrush: Uh oh...

     Locke: You're Kefka!

     Kefka: Curses! Foiled again!

And with that, Kefka escapes off into the sunset. Locke and Celes are married, and they and the pirate crew set out for adventure. Cue finale - "Call Me A Treasure Hunter")


Locke: You can say that I pilfer, claim that I purloin,

     But call me a thief and I'll kick you in the groin.

     The word is much too crude, with so many bad thoughts.

     Who cares if my wares are... not legally got?



     Call me a treasure hunter

     It's a name I rather like.

     Don't call me a hood or a scoundrel

     The terms, they aren't alike.

     Call me a treasure hunter

     Getting goods across the globe

     ‘Cause a treasure hunter's much better

     At earning his treasure trove.


     There are some who ransack, with no care for the effects.

     They just travel along, from one town to the next.

     They burn places down, but they're cooking their own goose.

     When the vandals are caught, they'll be marched straight to the noose.

(Locke: While I conveniently arrive to liberate their ill-gotten goods, of course.)




     So I'm a gentleman at heart, a man who's quite refined.

     I don't have many faults, I'm truly very kind.

     Can you blame me, then, when security is lax

     If I make a small contribution to the Keep Locke Happy Tax?


CHORUS, end.


Curtain call. Silence. The end.