The Final Fantasy Breakroom Christmas Special!
by d_Galloway
*The set is decorated with a chimney, a big red chair, a beautifully decorated christmas tree, a bunch of gifts, and several stockings on the hearth. Galloway walks onto the stage, carrying a table with punch, cookies, cake, ice cream, pie, pizza, and bran muffins*
Galloway: Oh hi! I didn't hear you come in!
Gemini: Cut the crap, okay? That line's old now!
Galloway: *sets the table down neatly* Why you little- *slams Gemini. The two wrestle on the ground*
*Weiila and Starstorm enter the room. Star is carrying Weiila*
Starstorm: *pants* Would it kill you to put in an elevator?
Galloway: *gets up and dusts himself off* Well, let's get started, shall we? While we're having our party, you'll be watching this episode. Enjoy!
*cuts to hidden camera*
*The break room is covered with christmas decorations (including an actual chimney). Vivi, Relm, and Eiko are staring out the window. Black Mage is casting Fire 3 on the stove*
Black Mage: Goddamn stove! Light, damn you!
*stove explodes*
Vivi: Shhhhhhh! You'll scare Santa away!
Black Mage: Come on! There's no such thing as Santa!
Eiko: Yes, there is! Mr. Folley told me so!
Black Mage: That guy's a crackpot, and you know it! And you're a moron for believing him!
Eiko: WAAAAAAHHH!!! MADEEN!
*Madeen comes in, kicks Black Mage's ass, then leaves*
Relm: There. That's better.
*Rosa enters the room*
Rosa: What happened here?
Eiko: Mr. Black Mage said there was no such thing as Santa Claus.
Rosa: Oh. I see...*looks at Black Mage*
Black Mage: Agony...
*Locke enters the room*
Locke: EVERYBODY TO BED! YOU KIDS HAVE TO BE IN BED FOR YOU-KNOW-WHO TO COME ALONG!
*Vivi, Eiko, and Relm all run off to bed*
Locke: Ah, childhood innocence.
*A note falls down the chimney*
Locke: Hey, what's this? *reads the note*
Note: I have the big fat guy. If you want him back, you'd better come and challenge me and my minions in a massive duel to the death! Oh, and bring the kids with you! Sincerely, a bad guy ripping off Daemon.
Black Mage: *uses a potion* Thank God! KIDS! EVERYONE THAT'S WILLING TO COME SAVE SANTA COME HERE!
*Vivi, Relm, Eiko, Aeris, Celes, and Rydia show up*
Celes: You know what we have to do, right?
Black Mage: Right. We have to see Matt Folley!
Rydia: WHAT? THAT NUTCASE AGAIN?!
Locke: Ah, give it a rest. Let's go.
*everyone leaves to see Matt Folley*
*switches back to set*
Galloway: *is sipping some punch* And, you see, that's why natural fabrics rule over polyester.
Starstorm: *is bored*
Weiila: *is asleep*
Galloway: Sorry. I'm not much at parties. Oh well, let's change.
Starstorm: What?
Galloway: You didn't read the invintation very well, did you? *gives Star the invintation*
Starstorm: *reads the invintation* What? This is a slumber party?
Galloway: Yeah. Some yahoo dared me to have one.
Starstorm: Fine. Be right back. *walks down the stairs*
Galloway: Well, that went surprisingly well.
*switches to CC break room*
Black Mage: *reads a note on the door* "Out giving motivational speech to entire country of Sweden. Be back in seven hours." Damn it! Now we'll never know where to look!
Vivi: Well, why not try that thing over there? *points to transporter*
Rydia: Of course! That thing can find anyone!
Locke: Bad news. It only takes you to a base location. If we put in "Santa Claus", we'll end up at the North Pole.
Eiko: Okay with me!
Celes: Fine. We can gather some clues there.
Black Mage: Okay...*sets everything up* All set!
*everyone enters the teleporter*
*they land in a wooden building filled with conveyor belts, tools, and computers. Nobody is around*
Rosa: Hmmm, this is strange.
*an army of elves dash into the room*
Elf 1: You must be spies for the boss!
Elf 2: Yeah! Spies for the big red guy!
Rosa: Okay, I am completely confused. What the heck's going on here?
Elf 1: Santa will be OUR slave now!
Elf 2: Our leader has arranged it!
Elf 3: And soon, you will die as well!
*the elves surround the heroes*
Black Mage: Fuck this! FINAL FLASH!!!
*the bloodied remains of elves are tossed to and fro*
Vivi: KAMEHAMEHA!!!
*the last of the elves are blasted away*
Celes: Uh, do these guys look a little...wierd?
Locke: What do you mean?
Celes: Well, there're gears sticking out of them. And it doesn't look like we shoved them in.
Eiko: This is sick!
Relm: I hear ya, sister.
Eiko: I'm not your sister!
Relm: Ah, shut your pie hole.
Rosa: Quiet, you two! MUTE!
*both Relm and Eiko try to mouth words, but can't*
Rydia: God, those kids are annoying.
*a bunch of trumpets sound*
Locke: I think the leader's coming...
*an elf in a giant robot suit comes in*
Elf: I am Maisor, the king of the elves! I have taken Santa prisoner, and soon you will die!
Aeris: Excuse me, but why the heck do you want Santa, anyway?
Celes: And why are all the elves cleverly-disguised robots?
Maisor: For centuries us elves have been toiling day and night, and for what? For some big fat guy to ride around and tell us what to do? To rip us off? The working elves have had enough! Soon, there will be an entire worldwide revolution of elves, and I will lead them!
Aeris: That doesn't explain the robots.
Maisor: The other elves didn't agree with me. Therefore, I had to hold them hostage.
Locke: WHERE'S SANTA?!
Vivi: Yeah!
Maisor: He's stuck in a chimney, carefully stuffed away...
*switches back to set*
*the now-pajamaed Starstorm and Galloway are having a bit of an argument after drinking too much punch*
Galloway: Come on, wimp! Is that the best you got?!
Starstorm: *uses the Pixy Stixs attack*
Galloway: *dodges the attack*
*the cats smash the chimney apart. Santa comes tumbling through the debris*
Santa: Dang-blasted chimneys!
Weiila: Santa?
Santa: HO HO HO!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Galloway:...I KNEW that Colombian Coffee was trouble.
Santa: *reaches into a nearby sack and pulls out a list* Now, let's see...Galloway...*tosses Galloway a six-pack of Coke*...Starstorm...*gives Star a subscription to Kitties Weekly*...Weiila...*gives Weiila an anti-Sweden pamphlet*
Galloway: Um...I don't mean to be picky, but these aren't your usual garden-variety gifts.
Santa: Some elf turned traitor and ran off with the real stuff!
Weiila: *reads the pamphlet...then burns it*
Starstorm: This magazine is full of crap! No cats act this way!
Galloway: Well, let's go stop the elf, shall we?
*everyone (including Santa) is teleported to the North Pole*
*the FF characters are having their butts kicked by Maisor and his robot suit*
Maisor: It is foolish to resist! Die!
*Galloway and co. appear*
Galloway: You ruined Christmas, elf!
Maisor: Uh-oh...
Weiila: We shall destroy you!
Starstorm: Prepare to die!
Santa: Violence usually isn't in my nature, but this time I'll make an exception!
Maisor: Mommy!!!!
*one incredibly long and difficult fight later*
Santa: *flies away on his sleigh* Good-bye!
Galloway: Well, the FF characters are back at the break room, Santa's continuing his journey, and Maisor is dead. Now what?
Weiila: *falls asleep*
Starstorm: *falls asleep*
Galloway: Sounds like a good idea. *falls asleep*
Santa: *far in the distance and yelling* MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!