Meteora by Joker Loire of the Turks
*Author’s Note: Final Fantasy VIII and all it’s stuff belongs to Squaresoft INC. “Meteora” Lyrics and all it’s stuff belongs to Linkin Park and probably Warner Bros. I own none, won’t own any. And “Foreword” of “Meteora” isn’t even instrumental, it’s just sound.
Chapter One: Foreword
Didn’t the people around the world ever wonder what it was like to be trapped in a cage? Like she did?
When rain was falling outside her window, she just wanted to be more like herself. The only thing she cared about was individiuality forevermore. She had proved this was what she wanted when she had decided to have a knight to hold on to, not to use.
Different than the ones that had wasted themselves away in their selfish battle for their little words they never got to fix.
Chapter Two: Don’t Stay
Rinoa was looking at herself in the mirror.
Observing her clothes, she was making sure Squall wouldn’t tell her it was a “inappropriate outfit” for a “nice girl” like her. He sounded like Caraway sometimes, but his over-rated protection web around her was like a golden-barred cage this time. She was wearing the exact same outfit Raine was wearing when she was in “Dream World”.
She remembered that she had been staying breathless, so she inhaled a breather.
Sometimes I,
Need to remember just to breathe,
Rinoa looked at the door, and she thought:
Hope Squall doesn’t come back so early. This is the only time I can have for myself. The only time I can act the way I used to be...
...Used to be? Why did I allow myself to change, then?
Because of Him?
Sometimes I,
Need you to STAY-AWAY-FROM-ME!!!
She couldn’t believe how it all turned out. Playing a game as the “perfect lover for Squall” just because he had wanted her to decrease the amount of sociality she had.
I can’t believe I agreed on that.
Sometimes I’m,
In disbelief I didn’t know,
Maybe I should tell him this?
Somehow I,
Need you to go...
But why should I? I trusted him... I mean, he’s my knight, and the man I love more than anything. He can... He’ll react to it normally, won’t he?
Sometimes I,
Feel like I trusted you too well,
But Squall... I mean...
If he doesn’t...
Then all these days of my life would be utterly spent?
Sometimes I,
Just feel like SCREAMING-AT-MYSELF!!!
Maybe he wasn’t intending to anything bad? I mean, he wouldn’t do anything hurt me... Would he?
I don’t believe it.
Sometimes I’m,
In disbelief I didn’t know,
I need this time alone, though. I don’t want to think about Squall right now, I want to get on with my life.
Somehow I,
Need to be alone,
Rinoa turned her steps towards the door, and opened it up. For a second, she felt insecure, like she was naked in the middle of an arena full of people. And the wind was so cold that it was making her shiver... If only Squall could hear her cries, when he lifted his head up from the carnage he had just cause on a mission...
No, Rinoa thought, I’m independent enough. I can do this on my own.
I DON’T NEED YOU!
ANYMORE!
I DON’T WANT TO BE IGNORED!
I don’t want this day to be wasted away in an anti-social, depressing conversation with Squall...
I DON’T NEED ONE!
MORE DAY!
OF YOU WASTING ME AWAY...
(WITH NO APOLOGIES)
He never apologized for breaking my heart the other night! He was caught with a half-naked female SeeD cadet in THE TRAINING CENTER for Hyne’s sake! He said he was helping her...
DON’T STAY...
FORGET OUR MEMORIES,
FORGET OUR POSSIBILITIES,
We could’ve been happier, Squall, if you were just willing to go at it like a true man.
WHAT YOU WERE CHANGING ME INTO(Just gimme myself back and don’t)
DON’T STAY(STAY!)...
FORGET OUR MEMORIES,
FORGET OUR POSSIBILITIES,
Faithless, are you, my knight?
TAKE ALL YOUR FAITHLESSNESS WITH YOU(Just gimme myself back and don’t stay!)
DON’T STAY...
Chapter Three:Somewhere I Belong
Rinoa stepped out of the door of the dorm room, and looked outside, to Balamb Garden. It was full of activity as usual, and she was glad that Squall wasn’t there to be over-protective over her.
But she found herself, not interested in the thought of roaming Balamb Garden at all.
“Yo! Rinoa!” Zell came along, in his usual outfit. He stopped running as he got to her side, “Nice outfit.” He complimented, “So, you out to enjoy the hella fun Balamb Garden can give ya?”
Rinoa looked at his face, almost with a frown on hers.
She had nothing to say.
When this began,
I had nothing to say,
And I’d get lost in the nothingness inside of me...
Why, Rinoa thought, why am I not interested at all? Come on, Rinoa, this is your only day by yourself! Prove yourself that this day won’t be a waste!
Waste?
Was my days with Squall a waste? I’m with my... “Soulmate”... Right?
“Zell, do you believe in soulmates?”
“Going a little celestial, huh?” Zell asked, cheerfully, “Well, when it comes to that, sometimes I do wonder.”
I was confused,
Then I let it all out to find,
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind...
“Words, words and words.” Rinoa frowned at her, as Zell felt as something was wrong.
What the hell?, Zell thought, She’s acting wierd... Maybe she’s down or something? I mean, it’s not like I’ve seen her around a lot lately.
“Y’know, I don’t think that’s true at all.” Rinoa said, “It’s just words. Nonsense.”
But in the vacancy the words revealed,
It’s the only real thing that I got left to feel...
“Y’know Zell, I think I’ll go alone from this point on. Thanks, anyways.”
“S-sure!” Zell said, as worry crawled through him.
What do I have to lose by talking to Zell? I mean, I was the one who had decided to go out...
She turned back to see Zell, but he was just staring at the wall, and muttering something to himself.
Rinoa decided not to bother him, and go on.
After taking several steps into the hallway, she just stood there. Suddenly, she realised, that Zell was just there to talk to her, to cheer her up, cause he had probably noticed she was feeling down.
Nothing to lose,
Just stuck, hollow and alone,
And the fault is my own,
And the fault is my own...
After all, I don’t want to go out and roam the Garden at all.
No! Rinoa Heartilly, pull yourself together. Get up, put your nice smile back on your face, then, start to roam the Garden, and search for your friends.
She then saw two girls standing over the corner and chatting- she knew them. Angelica and Julie, their names were, the ones that had been close to Quistis, as they were Trepies. She put a warm smile on her face –after getting surprised how hard it was-, and walked over to them.
They took no notice of Rinoa standing, they just went on with their conversation.
And I had nothing to say,
I can’t believe I didn’t fall, right down on my face...
“Hello Angelica.” Rinoa finally managed to get out.
Angelica stopped. She looked over to Rinoa with an expression that was either careless, or bothered.
“What do you want?” Angelica asked.
“What?” Rinoa asked in return, surprised at her reaction.
“I’ll repeat it,“ Julie took over, “What do you want?”
“Just wanna... Sit down somewhere and have a talk.” Rinoa said, taken aback by their reactions.
“Well, talking to a sorceress isn’t as healthy as we think it is.” Angelica said, and then, they walked away from Rinoa.
I was confused,
Looking everywhere, only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind...
Racism?, Rinoa asked herself, they hate me cause I’m a sorceress? I must be... Something that can’t be liked, no matter how hard you tried. Like a music type...
But can this be true? Nobody but Squall and Zell wants me in their world?
So what am I?
What do I have but negativity?
Cause I can’t justify the way everyone is looking at me...
“What the hell?” Rinoa asked to herself, unaware of the tiny red light around her.
“Rinoa, yo, RINOA!!!” Zell’s voice came along.
Nothing to lose,
Nothing to gain,
Hollow and alone,
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own...
“Rinoa, whassup?” Zell asked, “You look so... Down?”
“I’m just... Kinda lonely. Like I care.” She couldn’t believe her own words.
“Lonely? You want me to introduce you to some friends I have that don’t discriminate on sorceresses?”
“Whatever.” Rinoa replied,
“I mean, those two are just bitching cause you have Squall, y’know.”
“Whatever.”
Rinoa looked at Zell, who was standing there with a hopeless look on his face.
“I think I’ll go on alone, Zell.”
“Why? You said you were lonely... I mean, you kinda suck in entering a conversation... No offense.” He added, quickly.
“I have to do it... Alone.”
I will never know,
Myself until I, do this on my own,
And I will never feel,
Anything else, until my wounds are healed...
No Zell. I think I just have to go alone... Or be alone? I can’t stand myself! Thinking about being alone... Cause the others tend to judge me?
I will never be...
Anything till I, break away from me...
I will break away...
I’ll find myself today...
“Zell, thank you for caring. But I think I’ll just do it by myself... Or spend some time alone.”
“What are you talking about, you’re alone all the time!”
Rinoa didn’t feel Zell’s hand on her shoulder.
I WANNA HEAL,
I WANNA FEEL,
WHAT I THOUGHT WAS NEVER REAL...
So I have been imprisoning my own self to him all this time? Surrendering in a battle which we call “Relationship”?
I WANNA LET GO OF THE PAIN I FELT SO LONG...
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone!)
“Rinoa?” came Zell’s voice as a distantly tuned radio. Rinoa didn’t hear him.
“Rinoa...” came Squall’s voice as well. There was something wierd about his voice this time.
I WANNA HEAL,
I WANNA FEEL,
LIKE I’M CLOSE TO SOMETHING REAL...
What am I doing here? I don’t belong here...
I WANNA FIND SOMETHING I WANTED ALL ALONG...
SOMEWHERE I BELONG...
Chapter Four: Lying From You
As Rinoa sat on the bed of Squall’s and Squall took off his SeeD jacket, Rinoa asked.
“So how was the mission?” just to create a topic to talk about. She felt safer in this isolated little room.
“Carnage. How are you doing?”
“Me? I’m fine... Really, I kinda roamed the Garden today, and the rest of the day has been... Good.”
“Whatever.”
When I pretend,
Everything is what I want it to be,
I look exactly like what you had always wanted to see...
I feel like..., Rinoa thought, Someone that has to be charged with something... This isn’t the truth. I stole seconds away from this protection, but it seems as if I have grown into protecting myself.
When I pretend,
I can forget about the criminal I am,
Stealing second after second just cause I know I can, but...
As Squall gave Rinoa a brief tour of senseless violence that was paid for, and the inner struggles he had been into, Rinoa felt like her own mother when she was with Laguna...
...Except, Squall didn’t know that Rinoa didn’t wanted him to stay there.
I can’t pretend this is the way it’ll stay,
I’m just-
Trying to bend the truth...
“Squall, y’know... Shouldn’t we go out a little bit more?” Rinoa interrupted him.
“Why?” Squall asked, “I hate it when other SeeDs or cadets lay their eyes on you... You’re my own, in a way.”
“Squall I miss my friends...”
I can’t pretend I’m who you want me to be,
So I’m,
“Miss your friends?”
“I hadn’t gone face-to-face with them since the defeat of Ultimecia, Squall.”
“Really?”
Lying my way from YOU...
“What do you mean?”
Rinoa inhaled air before starting- knowing there was no way to turn back.
(No, no turning back now)
I WANNA BE PUSHED ASIDE, SO LET ME GO...
“I used to have lots of friends, Squall... Groups and heaps... With them, having fun or talking, just chatting, y’know.”
“You can talk to me.” Squall said, thinking: Does she see me as inadequate for a chat with her? How come?
(No, no turning back now)
LET ME TAKE BACK MY LIFE,
I’D RATHER BE, ALL ALONE...
“And I just feel alone... Y’know? As I told you in that basketball court... I’m more alone now.”
“Even now, when you’re with me?”
Rinoa found it hard to answer, knowing if she didn’t answer, Squall would explode in pent up anger and pressure of his “missions”.
(No turning back now)
ANYWHERE ON MY OWN,
CAUSE I CAN SEE...
“Sometimes, I think I’m a part of you.” Rinoa said, finally, in a second which seemed like a century to her.
(No, no turning back now)
THE VERY WORST PART OF YOU,
THE VERY WORST PART OF YOU,
Is me...
“Rinoa, you are a part of me.”
“But I don’t... Feel like I-“
“I told you that I couldn’t be like you. That if we would be together, you had to kinda suit to me... Cause it can’t work the other way around, remember?”
I remember what they taught to me...
Remember condescending talk of who I oughta be...
“And that our lives would be difficult, cause you’re not a SeeD?”
As Squall went on, Rinoa found it difficult to listen as she dug back into the memories of old... What happened after their new “life” had started.
Remember listening in to all of that and this again...
So I pretended up a person who was fitting in...
“I did suit you.” Rinoa said, “Or maybe, I suit you too well...”
“What?” Squall asked, “You said you were fine!”
It’s impossible to understand her.
And now you think this person really is me,
So I’m-
Trying to bend the truth...
“I’m much like you, Squall! I’m all you, can’t you see that! There’s no ‘me’ left!”
“No ‘you’ left!? How can you go on if there’s no ‘you’ left!?”
The more I push the more I’m pulling away,
So I’m-
Lying my way from YOU...
“This is what you think!?” Squall demanded, “Not suiting me? It’s all you I think or know of! And you still don’t want to follow me!? Should I follow you, like I did numerous times!?”
In rage, he looked around for something to break. Finally, a waterglass came into his view. He threw it to the wall, and then, stormed out.
This isn’t what I want it to be,
I never thought that what I said would have you running from me,
LIKE THIS!!!
“Squall, wait!!!” Rinoa said, as she followed Squall out. He stopped for a brief moment to look at her.
“What?” he asked.
(No, no turning back now)
I WANNA BE PUSHED ASIDE, SO LET ME GO...
“Squall, I love you so much...” said Rinoa, as people listened in, “But I can’t be a female Squall, do you understand?”
(No, no turning back now)
LET ME TAKE BACK MY LIFE,
I’D RATHER BE, ALL ALONE...
“Maybe.” Squall said, his eyes reducing to slits.
“Maybe!?” Rinoa asked, “I told you, I can’t be you! I’m Rinoa! Rinoa Heartilly!”
(No turning back now)
ANYWHERE ON MY OWN,
CAUSE I CAN SEE...
“Part of me?” Squall frowned, “Part of me which resists me? Impossible.” Squall then walked away, leaving Rinoa alone, in the middle of a crowd.
(No, no turning back now)
THE VERY WORST PART OF YOU,
THE VERY WORST PART OF YOU,
THE VERY WORST PART OF YOU,
IS ME...
Chapter Five: Hit The Floor
“Rinoa, please, stop crying.” Zell told her, reassuringly, “That fool is gonna come back, apologizing.”
“He won’t...” Rinoa cried.
“What makes you think that? What’s going on in your head?”
There are just too many,
Times that people have tried to look inside of me,
Wondering what I think of you,
And I protect you out of courtesy...
“Maybe you should just...” Zell said, thinking, Damn! I’m nervous. I can’t rescue my own relationship with Nina, and now I’m in this!?
“What?” Rinoa asked in tears.
“Let him go?”
If only Zell knew.
Too many,
Times that I’ve, held on when I needed to push away,
Afraid to say, what was on my mind,
Afraid to say, what I need to say...
“Can I come in?” Squall’s voice came. He didn’t look pleased to see Zell.
What is Zell doing here? That wuss is probably filling Rinoa up against me! I hate it! I’m gonna show him... When I calm Rinoa down... I can’t lose her.
“Rinoa, I...” Squall said, looking for a starting point to start from.
Rinoa looked up to him...
I know what you think Squall... I heard it too many times.
Too many,
Things you said about me when I’m not around,
You think having the upper hand,
Means you gotta keep putting me down?
Rinoa got back to her feet to face Squall...
But I had too many,
Stand-offs with you, it’s about as much as I can stand,
Just wait until the upper hand is mine...
“I acted on... A moment’s rage, I never meant to say those things.” Squall said, “Then again, if you had tried harder-“
“Harder!?” Rinoa asked.
I gave it all I could, more than I could!, she screamed inside, “Try harder”!?
“Tried harder, yeah.” Squall said, seriously, “I think it’s a matter of... Y’know, giving and taking.”
So many,
People like me,
Put so much trust in all your lies,
So concerned with what you think,
To just say what we feel inside...
I’m walking on a thin line here on Squall... I better be careful.
So many,
People like me,
Walk on eggshells all day long,
All I know is, all I want
Is to feel like I’m not stepped on...
“If you promise not to push me down again.” Rinoa said, “If only you promise.”
“Rinoa, you want me to promise!? When has distrust worked it’s way between us? Since you started to see Zell here so often!?”his temper was rising again.
So many,
Things you said that make me feel you crossed the line,
What goes up will surely fall,
And I’m counting down the time...
“If only you promise.” Rinoa said, “Not to push me down again.”
“I...” Squall stopped.
This is like a never-ending chess game with him.
Cause I had so many,
Stand-offs with you, it’s about as much as I can stand,
So I’m waiting until the upper hand is mine...
“I... Promise.” Squall said.
“Squall, I knew you could do it, man.” Zell said, smiling. Squall didn’t reply.
“I promise, only if you promise as well, to try a little bit harder.” Squall said.
I know I’ll never trust a single thing you say,
You knew your lies would divide us but you lied anyway...
And all the lies have got you floating up above us all...
But what goes up has got to fall...
“Deal.” Rinoa said, holding out her hand to shake hands. Squall took her hand and shook it. Zell bid goodbye and walked outside, shutting the door, while crouching outside it to listen.
“So” Rinoa said, with a triumphant smile, “Let’s go eat somewhere other than the Cafeteria.”
“I’m so tired...” Squall said,
“No excuses...” Rinoa smiled even more.
“Can’t we just eat in the Cafeteria?” Squall said, and Rinoa’s smile faded away.
It wasn’t a request.
ONE MINUTE YOU’RE ON TOP!!!
The next you’re not,
Watch it drop,
MAKING YOUR HEART STOP!!!
Just before you hit the floor!
ONE MINUTE YOU’RE ON TOP!!!
The next you’re not,
Missed your shot,
MAKING YOUR HEART STOP!!!
You think you won,
And then it’s all gone...
Then it’s all gone...
Then it’s all GONE...
Then it’s all GONE...
Now it’s all gone.
Chapter Six: Easier To Run
Rinoa laid awake in her bed, and felt Squall breathe steadly next to her.
Squall..., She thought, you took away my freedom. The only thing that ever mattered to me. It was just... It was my freedom that mattered- why I fought for Timber; it was for my own freedom.
And now... I feel as if it has been taken away from me...
Something has been taken,
From deep inside of me...
A secret I kept locked away no one can ever see...
Rinoa just laid awake in the bed, as her mind decided to concentrate on memories.
Wounds so deep they never show,
They never go away...
Like moving pictures in my head,
For years and years they’ve played...
She got out of bed and walked over to the bathroom. She observed her face in the mirror.
If I could change I would,
Take back the pain I would,
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would,
If I could-
Rinoa finally found the courage to ask herself:
Am I the one to blame?
-Stand up and take the blame I would,
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would...
Maybe I wasn’t good enough for him... For Squall Leonhart, Commander Of SeeD, or as the people say, “Squall The Sorceress Slayer”... But am I the one there to blame?
Look to where we have come...
Sometimes I remember,
The darkness of my past...
Bringing back these memories, I wish I never had...
Maybe I should do what Zell told me...
To let him go?
Sometimes I think of letting go,
And never looking back...
And never moving forward so, there’d never be a past...
Maybe I should just... Change? Really, allow myself to be him? Allow myself to keep up the damage as a benefit?
I can’t help it...
Just stop thinking, Rinoa, just stop!
Just washing it aside,
All of our helplessness inside...
“Rinoa?” Squall asked, looking around, still sleepy.
He must’ve waken up to my absence, she thought.
Waken up to my absence...
Rinoa walked over to the bed and got inside, as Squall held on to her like a teddy bear he probably never had. The comfort he never had.
“Squall...” Rinoa said.
“Yes?” Squall asked.
Pretending, I don’t feel misplaced,
It’s so much simpler than change...
If only, Rinoa thought, I could just let him go... If only I could run.
IT’S EASIER TO RUN...
REPLACING THIS PAIN WITH SOMETHING NUMB,
IT’S SO MUCH,
EASIER TO GO...
THAN FACE ALL THIS PAIN HERE ALL ALONE...
“I have something to tell you.”
“Can’t this wait?” Squall asked.
“I’m afraid not.” Rinoa replied.
“Go on.” Squall said, sitting up.
IT’S EASIER TO RUN...
If I could change I would,
Take back the pain I would,
Retrace every wrong move that I made...
“I... I’m going to be honest with you, to the fullest, this time.”
“Whatever.” Squall replied.
IT’S EASIER TO GO...
If I could change I would,
Take back the pain I would,
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would,
If I could,
Stand up and take the blame I would...
I would take all my shame...
To the grave...
“So be it.” Rinoa said to herself.
Chapter Seven: Faint
“I’m tired.” Rinoa finally said, as she stared into Squall’s glowing eyes.
“Tired of what?”
And that, was the cutting of the restrains that held Rinoa back.
“Squall, I’m tired of suiting you. Like I said before... But I thought there was still a chance I could get you to change...”
“Why should I change?”
“Cause I’m feeling more lonely than ever now! Even when I’m without you!”
“I Am”
A little bit of lonliness,
A little bit of disregard,
Handful of complaints,
But I can’t help the fact that everyone can see these scars...
“So you’re like...”
“Your conscience, Squall! I’m your conscience! You have to change in some part of this! You can’t avoid it!”
“I Am”
What I want you to want,
What I want you to feel,
But it’s like no matter what I do,
I can’t convince you,
To just believe this is real!
“I have to change my what? Attitude? Job? Face? Gender!?” Squall snapped at her. But this time, Rinoa didn’t fall down by the wave. Squall turned his back on her problems...
...As he always did in the end.
“So I”
Let go, watching you,
Turn your back like you always do,
Face away and pretend that I’m not,
But I’ll be here cause you’re all that I got!
“Squall, don’t you turn away from me!” Rinoa almost shouted, “I have been enduring your cage, your behaviour and depression from the start! And look what I have came down to! You’re everything to me!”
“Like you don’t mean anything to me!” Squall replied,
“I know I do! But you have to set me free!”
“Set you free for whom? Zell? Nida? Irvine!?”
“Do you believe in those gossips!? Do you believe in them!?”
“Evidence makes me!” Squall replied, “How Zell is there all the time I have my back turned!”
Rinoa was caught in a dilemma again. One side of her was telling her to continue, as the other side was afraid of losing him.
“I Am”
A little bit insecure,
A little unconfident,
But you don’t understand, I’ll do what I can,
But sometimes I don’t make sense!
“Squall, I need to be free!” Rinoa said, “Why is so hard for you to understand that! I need to put away the stupid sweatshirts and long pants, and put on the outfit that has been my favourite for years!”
“I can’t let you do that!”
“Why?”
“I Am”
What you never wanna say,
But I’ve never had a doubt,
“Cause I’m... Afraid of... Losing you to another man.” Squall said, “And I just can’t. We must be together, you more like me would be a better way.”
But it’s like no matter what I do,
I can’t convince you for once just to hear me out!!!
“Me more like you!? WHY CAN’T THIS WORK THE OTHER WAY AROUND!? WHY CAN’T YOU BE MORE LIKE ME!?” Rinoa shouted.
Squall didn’t reply... Angrily, he turned his back on Rinoa again to get dressed up and go for a walk.
“SQUALL, LISTEN TO ME!!!” Rinoa said, as she grabbed him by the collar and turned him around to face her.
NO!!!
HEAR ME OUT NOW!!!
YOU’RE GONNA LISTEN TO ME,
LIKE IT OR NOT,
RIGHT NOW!!!
“I WANT TO GO OUT TO THE WORLD!!!” Rinoa said, “BUT YOU WON’T LET ME! HOW CAN A THRUSTAEVIS FLY WITH WEIGHTS TIED ON IT!?”
“OVER WITH THE STUPID SAYINGS!”
“I WANT TO BE LIKE I WAS!!!”
I CAN’T FEEL,
THE WAY I DID BEFORE,
DON’T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME!
I WON’T BE IGNORED!
Squall had put on his jacket now, and he was walking towards the door. Rinoa was shouting that she needed him to say something.
TIME WON’T HEAL,
THIS DAMAGE ANYMORE,
DON’T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME,
I WON’T BE IGNORED!!!
“SQUALL!!! YOU CAN’T JUST LEAVE LIKE THAT! SAY SOMETHING!”
“How’s, ‘goodbye’?” Squall said, menacingly.
I CAN’T FEEL...
DON’T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME,
I WON’T BE IGNORED-
“SAY SOMETHING!!!” Rinoa screamed after him, as Squall walked outside.
TIME WON’T HEAL...
DON’T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME,
I WON’T-BE-IGNORED!!!
Chapter Eight: Figure 09
Rinoa was sitting on a bench... The morning had came to Balamb Garden, and it had only been two days since Squall had left.
“In the meantime”, Rinoa was talking to no one, standding distant from Quistis, Zell, Irvine and even Selphie who were determined to keep her company, obviously encouraged or threatened into it by Zell.
“Hello Rinoa.” Zell said, walking up to her, “Nice morning, isn’t it?”
“Whatever.” Rinoa replied, knowing it’s so much like... Squall.
And memories filled her up again.
I failed to keep him... In my arms. He left. So I had failed to make him love me. He didn’t.
Nothing ever stops these thoughts,
And the pain attached to them...
Sometimes I wonder why, this is happening...
“Y’know Rinoa, I think you need to socialize a little bit more, now that he’s not here.” Zell said.
Rinoa didn’t even hear him. Zell screamed in pain as Irvine’s joking-fist landed on his back harshly.
I failed. Yes, I made myself let him go. And now, he’s gone... And won’t come back.
It’s like nothing I can do,
Will distract me when,
I think about “How I shot myself in the back again”
“Rinoa?” Irvine asked, getting concerned. Rinoa’s mind barely registered this concern was unnatural for Irvine.
And from the infinite words I could say I,
Put all the pain you gave to me on display,
But didn’t realise-
“Leave me alone!” Rinoa snapped at Irvine, even managed to give his knee a good kick. As Irvine fell down, Zell was nailed to his current coordinates by Rinoa’s action.
-Instead of setting it free I,
Took what I hated and made it a part of me...
“Rinoa, can I sit right here?” Zell asked.
Why can’t they leave me alone? I’m trying to settle it all in my mind! It’s harder than you coming in to tell me ways of leaving Squall!
“Y’know, I talked to Squall.” Zell said.
Hearing your name, the memories come back again,
I remember when it started happenning...
“I think he’s as sorry in this as you are.” Zell went on, uncertain of her reaction, “Cause like, he sounded so down. And believe me, I know when he’s down or something.”
Squall...
Why can’t I still get the name out of my thoughts!? I hate it!
I’d see you in every thought I had and then,
The thoughts slowly found words attached to them!
“He... He doesn’t like this too?” Rinoa managed to ask, “Does he?”
“Nah, he doesn’t like this, that’s for sure.” Zell replied hastily, not giving her time to think, “I mean, he surely don’t want to let you go... Not in the- Hey!”
Rinoa had stood up, letting out a sigh of boredom.
Maybe I shouldn’tve been so harsh? But no! What was I supposed to do when he took away my freedom!?
And I knew as they escaped away,
I was committing myself to ‘em and everyday,
I regret saying those things,
Cause now I see that I,
Took what I hated and made it a part of me!
As she took a step towards the dorm room she had for her own, Squall got in her way.
It wasn’t an intentional move, Squall had been barely passing through. But in that single moment, as their eyes met, Rinoa felt Squall close to her mind again...
(It never goes away...)
...Squall all over her mind.
GET AWAY FROM ME!!!
Gimme my space back,
You gotta just-
GO!!!
Everything comes down to memories of-
YOU!!!
I kept it in but now I’m letting you-
KNOW!!!
I’ll let you go SO GET AWAY FROM ME!!!
“Passing by?” Squall asked.
“None of your business.” Rinoa replied as she went on to the room, finding it hard to take steps.
But she was independent. She didn’t need Squall... She needed only herself in this world.
AND NOW,
YOU’VE BECOME A PART OF ME...
YOU’LL ALWAYS BE RIGHT HERE!
YOU’VE BECOME A PART OF ME...
YOU’LL ALWAYS BE MY FEAR!
I CAN’T SEPERATE...
MYSELF FROM WHAT I’VE DONE...
GIVING UP A PART OF ME...
I’VE LET MYSELF BECOME YOU...
I’VE LET MYSELF BECOME YOU...
Rinoa went in from her dorm room and shut the door. Crying, she hurried over to the bathroom to splash some cold water on her face to bring herself back...
I’VE BECOME LOST INSIDE
THESE THOUGHTS OF YOU...
GIVING UP A PART OF ME...
I’VE LET MYSELF BECOME YOU!..
Chapter Nine: Breaking The Habit
Rinoa was sitting at her door, in half of her clothes.
Half of her clothes was the right definition cause she had taken off half of them. One leg of her pants was still on, as half of her sweatshirt was still on too. She wasn’t wearing shoes...
But, her fingernails were digging deep into her skin. Deep enough to draw blood.
She was lost in memories. Every memory made up another gash on her skin, another opening for her blood to flow out.
Memories consume...
Like opening the wound...
I’m picking me apart again...
“Rinoa!!!” Zell’s voice came along from her door, as he knocked gently on it, “Are you okay?”
You all assume...
It’s safe here in my room...
Unless I try to start again...
“Rinoa, open up the door!” Zell said.
Rinoa’s shaking hand, (the muscles were convulsing cause of her numerous wounds) moved up like a spider to the doorknob, and opened the door.
Zell almost fell inside. He gathered himself together and shut the door.
“Great Hyne, Rinoa! What are you doing to yourself!?” he asked when he saw her, still picking up her skins.
“Why?” Rinoa asked Zell.
“Why what?”
“Why me?”
“Cause... You chose to be with Squall.” Zell said.
I don’t want to be the one,
The battles always choose...
Cause inside I realise,
That I’m the one confused...
“THAT’S IT!?” Rinoa asked, furiously opening up another gash and feeling the pain soothe her down.
“Wh-what?”
“THAT’S WHY I’M FEELING ALL THIS!? AND YOU, STANDING THERE LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD, AND YOUR KNOWLEDGE IN THESE THINGS ARE-“
She stopped. It was useless. Zell was only there to help.
I don’t know what’s worth fighting for,
Or why I have to scream?
I don’t know why I instigate,
Or say what I don’t mean?
I don’t know how I got this way,
I’ll never be alright!
So I’m-
Breaking the habit...
Breaking the habit...
Tonight...
“Rinoa...” Zell said, embracing her as a friend, and a noble friend, “I may not know exactly what’s going through your head... But I can only guess...”
Left breathless of the situation, Rinoa closed the door, as she held on to Zell.
Clutching my cure...
I tightly lock the door...
I try to catch my breath again...
“There, there now...” Zell said, while awkwardly and amateurly fondling her hair, “Shh, don’t cry. No more tears in your eyes for him. No more.”
But Rinoa wouldn’t stop sobbing.
I hurt much more...
Than anytime before...
I have no options left again...
“Can I truly live?” Rinoa asked.
“What?” Zell asked, surprised.
“I’m trying not to... Kill myself. I can’t live without him...”
“Yet, you can’t live with him.”
“Yes...” Rinoa sobbed, “And it’s my fault... If I hadn’t fought...”
I’ll paint it on the walls!..
Cause I’m the one at fault!..
I’ll never fight again...
This is how it ends...
“If you hadn’t fought, what would be left for you to live on? Squall’s soul in your body?” Zell asked.
“I... Yes.” Rinoa’s sobbings ceased. She took a step back and looked up to Zell, as her slight make-up was running down on her cheeks.
“Yes.” Rinoa replied, a little bit more surely, “There wouldn’t be a ‘me’ left.”
I don’t know what’s worth fighting for,
Or why I have to scream?
But now I have some clarity,
To show you what I mean...
“Yes...” Rinoa said, “Give me a little time, Zell, until I settle all this. It’s going to end soon, I know it... I can feel it.”
Then, Rinoa slided forward and landed a kiss on Zell’s cheek.
“Thank you for this one comfort you’ve given to me...” she whispered.
Zell was speechless.
I don’t know how I got this way,
I’ll never be alright!
So I’m-
Breaking the habit...
Breaking the habit...
Breaking the habit...
Tonight...
Chapter Ten: From The Inside
Rinoa raised her head slowly, and looked up. She was standing in the little hidden chamber withtin the Training Center. The full moon was shining up in the sky, and stars were her only friend at that point.
She tried to fight back the tears, but decided to let them flow.
I don’t know who to trust...
No surprise...
(Everyone feels so far away from me)
Squall. It was all because of him. Rinoa have seen her entire life being taken away from her in a manner of selfish acts: the perfect world of Squall. Everyone had seen her as a distant Rinoa, distant as the stars like Squall.
And the lies they had told each other... And the truth they had told each other.
Heavy thoughts sift through dust...
And the lies...
She had lived a lie. The whole “relationship” had gone too far on Squall’s behalf. He wanted to enforce Rinoa’s open personality.
Trying not to break but I’m so tired of this deceit,
Everytime I try to make myself get back upon my feet,
All I ever think about is this;
Rinoa knew what he had been doing to her: trying to cover her with the shell he had, forcing her to live a lie. Living a lie of trying to decieve everyone she knew by acting like she’s distant, not even touching them on the shoulders. But inside she wanted to scream and hug everyone in the room.
All the tiring time between and how,
Trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me.
“Rinoa? I’m glad I found you! You really got me worried...” came Zell’s voice from the door.
Tension is building inside...
Steadily...
(Everyone feels so far away from me)
She pulled on her distant face and faced away from Zell. After all that he had done for her, this was a shock. Zell muttered a “What the hell?” under his breath, to himself.
“Rinoa, what’s wrong? You’re actin all like Squall! I thought you had got past that! I mean, okay, unattainable and cool and stuff, but what the hell are you doing?”
Shut up, Zell! You’re just stepping on my fresh-bleeding wounds!
Heavy thoughts forcing their way...
Out of me...
“Zell...”started Rinoa ”I...”it was hard. She felt her body being torn apart between the desire to cry on Zell’s chest and to step back and calm down and become Squalish Rinoa to settle it all.
“Yeah?” asked Zell, in a naive manner.
“I...I’m not all that...distant from the others...am I?”
“I feel as you’re not even talking to me right now.”
“There you are!” came a disgustingly familiar voice.
Rinoa turned to see Squall, with a frown on his face. His expression screamed that he got the wrong impression.
Even so, Rinoa wasn’t ready for his appereance. Her settling of the relationship hadn’t ended at all... And Squall hadn’t apologized either.
I TAKE EVERYTHING,
FROM THE INSIDE...
AND JUST THROW IT ALL AWAY...
CAUSE I SWEAR,
FOR THE LAST TIME,
I WON’T TRUST MYSELF WITH YOU!
Rinoa decided it was time to choose the path of a lunatic.
Rinoa grabbed Zell by the waist and pulled him towards herself. Before Zell could finish his(“What the he-“)sentence, Rinoa pressed her lips against his, passionately.
Squall took a step back. He couldn’t believe what he was witnessing, even after the fight they had, at the point. He reached out and broke the kiss, smashing his fist in the middle of Zell’s face. Although he was a fighter, he was caught off-guard.
“What!?” asked Squall, his veins pulsating violently.
I WON’T WASTE MYSELF ON YOU!
“Squall! I hate you!!! I hate the shell you had tried to put me in! You walked away, just STAY AWAY!!!” she slapped him, and then added, “So now I’m free to do whatever I please to!”
“No you can’t do that!”
“Really? Watch this!”
Rinoa threw herself over Zell, again, kissing him.
Squall just stood there. Rinoa looked at him through the corner of her vision. He obviously couldn’t bear the scene, so he walked away.
As Squall got out, Rinoa broke the kiss and took a step back.
“What the hell?” asked Zell, totally confused and messed up.
“Oh, Zell!” said Rinoa, burying her head to his chest and starting to cry again.
“Damn...” Zell muttered, “I was wrong. This is much more complicated than I can solve...”
“Just don’t say anything.” Rinoa said as she concentrated on her actions again.
WASTE MYSELF ON YOU!
Zell’s Interruption: Nobody’s Listening
Zell considered himself lucky as he rushed on stage.
The stage was only there for the musical taste of the cadets and SeeDs on the garden. Anything goes was the main rule of the show. Zell had seen Squall there, passing by, alongside with Rinoa.
Maybe now, I can show them how stupid they are, with my skills on a mic.
“What’s up?” he asked to the crew on the stage. A DJ was all he could ask for, and they had one.
“You’re on the show?” the DJ asked.
“Yeah, put this on.” Zell replied as he passed him a CD. The DJ put it on as Zell got the wireless microphone in his hand.
“Ladies and gentlemen!!!” Zell said.
The audience, even Squall and Rinoa, turned their gaze to him.
“May I have your attention?”
“YEAH!!!” rose from the crowd.
“Are you ready for the joke?”
“YEAH!!!”
“Then let’s go... This song is being told to Squall Leonhart, and Rinoa Heartilly. Hey, DJ, let’s go!”
Zell closed his eyes and waited for the tune of the flute to come in... When it did, he opened up his eyes and started...
[Com-Com-Com-Comin atc-Com-Coming atcha-]
Yo,
Peep the style and the kids checking for it,
The number one question is; “How could you ignore it?”
We drop right back in the cut,
Over basement tracks with raps that got you backin this up like
“Rewind that”!
The crowd started to cheer to him, as Zell felt like he was finally getting a new sight to this whole thing.
We just rollin with the rythm,
Rise from the ashes of stylist division...
But these non-stop, lyrics or life livin,
Not to be forgotten, but still unforgiven...
Zell went over to the edge of the stage as everyone dragged Rinoa and Squall right in front of him, as they stood side by side, without looking at each other.
But in the meantime, there are those who wanna (Zell pointed at Squall)
Talk ‘this and that’, so I suppose, (he pointed at his temple)
That it gets to a point where feelings gotta get hurt, (Zell waved to Squall)
And get dirty (he pointed at Rinoa this time)
With the people spreading the dirt, it goes-
He stopped. Normally, they had written this song over a problem she had with Irvine, and they were both supposed to perform. But Selphie wasn’t there.
Suddenly, Selphie’s voice came in. Selpie was singing along with Zell on the chorus.
Selphie: Tried to give you a warning,
But everyone ignores me!
Zell: Told you everything loud and clear...
Selphie: But nobody’s listening...
Call to you so clearly, but you don’t wanna hear me...
Zell: Told you everything loud and clear,
Selphie: But nobody’s listening...
Then, Selphie let Zell carry it on, only, singing along with him as he entered to the bridge. She knew they had been preparing to sing this sometime, but now was a surprise.
Zell & Selphie: I got a heart full of pain,
Head full of stress,
Handful of anger,
Held in my chest...
Zell took over as Selphie went over to boost the crowd.
But everything left (Zell pointed at Squall) is a waste of time,
I hate my rhymes-
Selphie: But hate everyone else’s more...
Zell: I’m ridin on the back of this pressure,
Guessin that it’s better-I can’t keep myself together,
Cause all of this stress gave me something to write on,
Selphie: The pain gave me something I could set my sights on...
Zell: You never forget the blood, sweat and tears,
The uphill struggle over years, the fear and...
Trash talking, and the people it was to (Zell waved around to get the whole crowd in his hand movement.)
Selphie: And the people that started it-
Zell & Selphie: Just like you! (Zell, and following him, Selphie, pointed at Squall)
The crowd was going wild as Squall and Rinoa was shooting each other side-glances.
Selphie: Tried to give you a warning,
But everyone ignores me!
Zell: Told you everything loud and clear...
Selphie: But nobody’s listening...
Call to you so clearly, but you don’t wanna hear me...
Zell: Told you everything loud and clear,
Selphie: But nobody’s listening...
Zell: I got a heart full of pain,
Head full of stress-
Selphie: Nobody’s listening...
Zell: Handful of anger-
Held in my chest-
Selphie: Nobody’s listening...
Zell: Uphill struggle-
Blood, sweat and tears-
Selphie: Nobody’s listening...
Zell: Nothing to gain-
Everything but fear...
Selphie: Nobody’s listening...
Selphie pointed at the DJ and the scratching part came in, the conclusion,
[Com-com-com comin atc-com-comin atch-com-comin atch-comin atch-
Comin atchu from every side]
Selphie and Zell smiled at each other...
...Maybe they hadn’t solved the problem between Rinoa and Squall...
...But they had definately put up a good show...
Chapter Eleven: Session
Author’s Note: No lyrics, cause “Session” in “Meteora” just like “Cure For The Itch” in “Hybrid Theory” was an insturmental track, and I wrote it while I listened to it.
Squall walked in from the entrance of The Secret Area. He didn’t see anyone around, but he enjoyed the lonliness... As he always did.
Staring at the full moon, he was glad this place had been empty in half an hour. He found the silence of the night allowing him to think in peace.
Though the questions with more hostile answers pounded in his head.
Did I really pressure her that much? Much enough to make her hate me? She’s the only one I could truly love... The only one I hadn’t had the strength to let go. She was the one for me. But now she tells me she hates me.
Not again.
I refuse to be dumped again... But I think the ropes belong to her, surprisingly, on this one.
The questions continued in his mind, they continued to rise and finally start punding against his temple until someone said,
“I knew you would come here...”
Squall turned around to face Rinoa.
Chapter Twelve: Numb
Rinoa walked up to Squall. Her own pain flashing in her eyes, as Squall’s pain stared back at her like the reflection of her own mistakes. Of her own faults...
...They both knew, they were both too stupid to make it come to where it was.
And as they stared into each other’s eyes, they also knew that they were too proud to back off, or the whole thing wouldn’t even start.
“Squall...” Rinoa said, “Let me start first, okay? Cause I know, this is going to be the part where we will tell each other what truly went on.”
“Whatever.” Squall said, but luckily, Rinoa didn’t leave.
“Look, Squall Leonhart, you are the man I love more than anything. The one person on this world for whom I could do anything... Anything but trying to be what you want me to be.”
I’m tired of being what you want me to be...
Feeling so faithless...
Lost under the surface...
“So you-“
“Zell was just trying to help me. He was only there to help, as a friend, that’s all. I left him pretty confused over the kiss... But it was a necesarry step.”
“Necesarry?” Squall asked,
“For you to see what you had made me! For you to realise...”
“Realise that-“
“That I couldn’t be you. That I couldn’t become the way you are for both of us to throw pity parties.”
I don’t know what you’re expecting of me...
Put under the pressure,
Of walking in your shoes...
“But you didn’t have to... Push me over the edge now, did you?” Squall asked, while what he wanted to say contradicted with it.
(Caught in the undertow,
Just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake,
To you...
(Caught in the undertow,
Just caught in the undertow)
“I’m...” Squall struggled, but he couldn’t go on.
After a moment’s brief silence, Squall managed to say;
“But what could I have done if you walked away?”
Can’t you see that you’re smothering me?
Holding too tightly,
Afraid to lose control...
“Control? Was that what you wanted? To control me?”
“No... But to let you out of my... Let’s say ‘range’ seemed...”
“...Too inappropriate?” Rinoa asked.
Damn. She’s reading my mind.
Cause everything that you thought I would be...
Has fallen apart,
Right in front of you...
“Maybe.” Squall said, “But still... Why did you just tell me all those things in the middle of the night?”
(Caught in the undertow,
Just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake,
To you...
(Caught in the undertwo,
Just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take...
Squall took a step forwards, and wrapped his arms around Rinoa.
“I’m sorry.” He muttered to her ear, as his arms held tightly.
Rinoa decided to embrace him back...
...But she knew then, the wound of it all would stay there. The possibility.
I’VE,
BECOME SO NUMB;
I CAN’T FEEL YOU THERE,
BECOME SO TIRED;
SO MUCH MORE AWARE!
I’M BECOMING THIS,
ALL I WANT TO DO:
IS BE MORE LIKE ME,
AND BE LESS LIKE YOU!
“I’m sorry.” Squall repeated.
“Maybe.” Rinoa said, “But promise me over your life... You won’t try to put me in a cage again? For me?”
“Do I need to-“
“You do.”
“I promise.” Squall said, “That I won’t do it again. If that’s what it takes, I’ll try to be more like you..”
“Thank you!” Rinoa said, burying her head in his chest as his arms held her tighter.
“Squall?” Rinoa asked, suddenly.
“Yes?” Squall replied.
“What if this happens again?”
“Then, we will figure out what to do when it happens.” Squall replied.
BUT I KNOW,
I MAY END UP,
FAILING TOO...
BUT I KNOW,
YOU WERE JUST LIKE ME WITH SOMEONE DISAPPOINTED IN YOU...
“I love you...” Squall whispered to her ear.
“I love you too.” Rinoa said.
I’VE,
BECOME SO NUMB;
I CAN’T FEEL YOU THERE,
BECOME SO TIRED;
SO MUCH MORE AWARE,
I’M BECOMING THIS,
ALL I WANT TO DO:
IS BE MORE LIKE ME
AND BE LESS LIKE YOU!
I’VE,
BECOME SO NUMB...
I CAN’T FEEL YOU THERE...
Tired of being what you want me to be...
I’VE,
BECOME SO NUMB...
I CAN’T FEEL YOU THERE...
Tired of being what you want me to be...
Author’s Note: There you go, ladies and gentlemen... The first albumfic of the history is finished. I thank to Chester Bennington and Mike Shinoda for writing such good lyrics and making an album that’s almost on a single concept while not boring the listener. Brad Delson, Joseph Hahn, Rob Bourdan, Phoenix Farrell for putting up the great music to the lyrics. In fact, Linkin Park, for opening the future of nu-metal, and maybe, through me a little, albumfics.