Monsters of deepest dephts of horror
by Weiila
Author's notes:
If you haven't read "Hanging around", I'm afraid you won't understand some of the humor here, since a few of jokes (and personal threats against my person) are based on the events in Hanging. So run along and read that first. Done that? Good, let's get started. I warn you, though; this must be the worst thing I've ever written. The story was created in my wish to carry on the humor a crossover can provide, and to express my great feeling of scorn towards... well, you'll understand as you read.
I just hope I didn't try too many characters... but at least there'll only be NES and SNES-people, since I've never gotten my hands on a Playstation (ouch! Now I feel like a cave-woman :( ).
All characters taking part in this fic are trademarks of their respective companies. That goes for the lawyer mentioned in the third part of the story too ;). OK, I'm done, read on!
Our story begins in the world of Chrono Trigger. The game was won, Lavos was defeated, and all the characters had assembled on Lenee square. That is, all of the characters, from Crono to Sir Krawlie and beyond. Everyone had come to the moonlight-parade after the credits had rolled.
However, Magus had thrown out all of the common people, and now only the important people were left. Not only that, the vile warlock had just burned all of the tents, cleaned the area using a tornado, and was preparing for another magical trick. The heroes, bosses and important supporting cast (people with their own personal look) were watching his work, growing a bit anxious. Frog was the most anxious one due to natural reasons, so to speak.
"For all the good powers!" the knight shouted since everyone just glared stupidly at his situation, "will thee not saveth my life?!"
"It was a great trick teleporting the platform of the Neanderthal-dancers here to the Main Square, and then cutting down all those trees with the lightning bolts, lord Magus," Flea complimented.
"Thank you, Flea," Magus nodded, "what do you say, would some more logs be too much?"
"More logs would make you a nice house," Lavos shell-form thoughtfully said.
"Lucca!" Frog yelled, "Crono, somebody! Hello?!"
Marle shook her head, recovering from the amaze. She grabbed Crono's arm, bringing him out from the fascination about Magus' doings as well.
"What's wrong with you!?" the princess shouted, "he's about to kill Frog, we have to do something!"
"Err... right!" Lucca exclaimed.
She rushed over Lenee Square and resolutely faced Magus, turning her back at the platform where Frog was standing. The knight gave a relieved sigh, moving his hands a bit to stop the ropes to cut into his wrists so badly. Magus had improved the platform with an iron stake which probably would be quite a problem combined with the ropes and the logs beneath the wooden floor. At least the logs would be a big problem if Magus made the final improvement he was planning; a simple fire-spell.
"Magus, you can't do this!" Lucca shouted, "you can't kill Frog!"
"Give me one reason to why you could forbid me to, inventor," the warlock calmly said.
Lucca scratched her hair. Everyone waited patiently.
"We need him in the game!" the inventor-girl finally said.
Magus' foot tapped against the stones that covered the ground.
"The game is over," he coldly pointed out, "there's no need for keeping anyone alive any longer, if you get my point, Lucca."
"But he helped you get your revenge against Lavos!"
"Lousy, Lucca!" Marle moaned, "that won't stop him."
"She's right," Magus nodded.
"Think of something better yourself then, Marle!" Lucca growled as she moved away from the warlock, "I'm sorry, Frog."
The wielder of the Masamune simply rolled his eyes.
Crono kicked at a runaway-log.
"Is this all?" the young man said, "Magus, when we hung in that other dimension, you promised to take a hot knife and..."
"Crono, please!" everyone shouted.
"... ... ..." Crono sourly grumbled.
"Methinks this be not my day..." Frog sighed, glaring at the leader of the heroes.
Lucca gave Marle a violent push forward, bringing the princess stumbling to the area between Frog and Magus.
"Now go on and save him!" the inventor said.
"OK, OK!" Marle muttered.
She turned to the warlock and energized her strongest aura of innocence and beauty.
"Look, Magus," she said, "Frog is our friend, and you have to admit that he saved your life a couple of times as we fought. Well, he used a couple of Revives on you..."
"Try something better, lady, or move," Magus coldly said.
"Err..."
The princess withstood Magus' glare for about half a second. Then she ran for cover behind Ozzie, probably because there was a lot to hide behind.
"Marle, how could you do that?!" Robo exclaimed.
Ozzie, Flea and Slash looked at the shivering royalty that stood behind them, their eyebrows so high that they touched the back of the three monsters' necks.
"You talk to him!" Marle shuddered, "you are his closest men..."
She looked at Flea.
"... Or whatever you are."
"Why would we help Frog?" the magician sneered.
"Sure, Marle," Slash said and walked towards Magus.
"Slash!" Flea shouted in outrage, "what the crap are you doing?!"
"Sorry, pal, I've got a weakness when it comes to blondes."
Slash coughed and bowed in front of the great warlock of the game.
"Lord Magus, I carried the belief that you were going on a quest to find your sister, and leave all these fools that name themselves heroes behind. So why did you change your mind?"
"Hey, that rhymed!" Cyrus grinned.
"Wonderful..." Frog muttered.
"Sir Slash," Robo beeped, "I think I know the answer to your question. Magus does not need to search for Schala since the game is over, and we have all assembled here. Schala is standing over there with queen Lenee, the two kings of Guardia, the chancellors, Azala the reptite, Kino, Lavos' spawns, Lavos himself in all his forms, Atropos, Toma the adventurer, queen Zeal, the mammon mach..."
"Alright already!" Lucca groaned, "we get it, Robo!"
"OK," the robot beeped.
"Thee art not a great deal of help here!" Frog sighed.
Slash shrugged his shoulders and walked back to his companions.
"Sorry, Marle," he said.
"Oh, but it was so sweet of you to try," she warmly said, "and I always thought that you were a bad guy."
"Well, actually," Slash shyly said, "I'm pretty calm and gentle. How about a date?"
"Love to. Next Saturday?"
"Sure!" the swordsman smiled.
"Marle!" Crono exclaimed, "you're supposed to be my girlfriend!"
"Yes dear," the princess said and blushed, "but Slash has such a good grip of speaking, and I really love bald men."
"My daughter is dating a monster!" king Guardia XXXIII moaned, "and as if that wasn't enough, he's a crappy skin-head!"
"No, no, Your Majesty," Slash said, "I have nothing against colored people."
He held up his deep-purple hands to make his meaning perfectly clear.
"Well, that doesn't really wash away the fact that you are a monster," the king pointed out.
"Aww, come on, daddy!" Marle said, "you accepted Crono in the end, right?"
"I have nothing in common with Slash!" Crono exclaimed.
"Yes you do," the swordsman said, "we use the same weapon."
"Oh, this is just great! Magus is going to burn Frog by the stake and my girlfriend is leaving me for one of the bosses of the game! It's not fair..."
Frog glared at Crono.
"Dost not despair, my comrade," the tied-up knight sarcastically said, "Schala is yet available..."
"That's right!" Crono said and looked a lot happier at once.
"Wrong!" Magus said, extremely cold.
"You can't go around killing all men that look at me, little brother," Schala said, frowning, "what if I want to get married some day?"
"Forget it, sister."
"Janus!"
"Not as long as I live, Schala."
The princess of Zeal crossed her arms and sighed deeply. Crono turned to Marle again, still not giving up the battle for her.
"Marle, why would you like to date Slash?" the pointy-hair said, "he is Magus right hand and all..."
Ozzie jumped up in down in outrage as he heard that.
"Hold it right there!" he shouted, "I am Magus right hand!"
"And that's why they called him the Prince of Darkness," Lucca mumbled, "they meant the inside of his head..."
"What did you say, Lucca?" Magus growled.
"I... praised your great skills of choosing your advisors and servants," the inventor nervously lied.
Magus looked at Ozzie for a moment. Then he shrugged his shoulders and said:
"To tell you the truth, he bribed me to let him be my so called trusted servant."
"But lord Magus...!" the green monster exclaimed.
"I dost not believe this!" Frog grumbled, "'tis far too weird... oh, no..."
He frowned.
"Dost not tell me that we art in yet another idiotic fanfic?"
"Another fanfic?" Magus said, "no way am I starring in another one of those crappy..."
He put his hand over his mouth. Crono, Marle, Lenee, Schala and Frog looked at him, anxious.
"Crap?" the knight carefully said.
Magus gave a moan.
"Not again! Not that author again! Why do I have to be her favorite character?!"
He looked up and frowned.
"And Lucca, what are you doing up there?" he snapped.
The inventor-girl hid her dagger behind her back. It had been so close to the ropes, crap...
"Me?" she said, "nothing! Frog's nose itched, that's it... right, Frog?"
"'Tis so," Frog hurriedly agreed.
"Right."
Lucca raised her hand, but then thoughtfully froze.
"Say Frog, what of all this is your nose?" she asked.
"Alas, I hath never considered that matter..."
"Lucca, you have two seconds to get off the platform," Magus growled, "or else!"
"Alright, alright, alright, you heartless, crappy..."
Grumbling, Lucca jumped down on the paving stones. The warlock took another step forward and begun to raise both his hands, when queen Lenee ran up to him.
"Please, lord Magus!" she yelled in despair, "I beg of you, don't do this!"
"Aye, my liege," Frog sadly said, "dost not bow for evil for my dark faith..."
"Oh," Lenee said and straightened up, "alright then. Go on, Sir."
"Hey!" the bound knight moaned, "'twas not what I meant!"
"Ayla say woman in dress move!"
The cave-woman of the troop tackled Lenee, sending her stumbling into the arms of Dalton. He hurriedly let go of the queen when Frog gave him a glare that could kill. Meanwhile, Ayla was waving with her finger at Magus' pale nose.
"Me have only one thing to say to bad warlock!"
"And what would that be, Ayla?" Magus patiently asked.
The cave-woman grinned and said:
"When big frog is roasted, can Ayla and Kino eat?"
"I toldeth thee to perish the thought once before!" Frog moaned.
"Of course, Ayla," Magus said with a vile smile.
"Me say thanks a..." the woman of 65000000 BC began, but Schala pushed her aside.
Dalton ducked not to accidentally get his hands on yet another woman, and Ayla ended up sitting on Lavos' first form's shell, fascinated watching the sibling argue.
"Enough already," Schala said, "Janus, stop this stupidity!"
"You know I've got respect for you only, sister," Magus growled, "but not even you can stop me from burning Frog by the stake."
"But this won't bring anything else than more hate! Hate, hate, hate, hate, and what do we have on our hands then? Kefka! Let Frog go, brother, I cannot allow..."
"Please, leave other RPGs out of this," Magus said, "fanfics can be bad enough without crossovers. Anyhow, you can't forbid me this time, Schala, I'm not that little boy anymore. He's over there, go and command him instead."
The little Janus looked up and gave everyone a sour look as Magus pointed at him. Then the boy returned to playing with his purple cat.
"Look, I know that Frog haunts you through the whole game," Schala tried, "but that's not..."
"This has nothing to do with the game," Magus said, "it's because of that godcrapped head-band in that other dimension..."
He sighed and rolled his eyes.
"Let's face it," he said, "we are in another fanfic... and I know too well who's writing it too, crap it all..."
With a sigh he rubbed his forehead. Schala used the moment of absentmindness and delivered another good argument:
"Well, Janus, does your contract allow you to kill fellow characters?"
"In fact, it..." Magus began.
"Excuse me," somebody said.
Everyone turned to look at the stranger, who suddenly stood by the entrance of Lenee square. It was a pretty young he, according to the voice. But it was hard to tell by his looks, since he wore a grey robe with a hood that hid his face totally. But even though the clothing was grey, its color was so intense that it seemed to glow against the softly colored stones and partly burned flags. He was clearly not from the same world as the people of the crowd.
"And who might you be?" Lavos core asked, rather bored.
"Is this Chrono Trigger?" the stranger wondered.
"Yes indeed," Slash nodded.
Ozzie hit the purple monster's head.
"Crap, can't you ever say something else than that?" the green, fat one sourly asked, "if I hear you say 'yes indeed' one more time, I'll have Flea roast you!"
"Yes, surely..." Slash grumbled, rolling his eyes.
"What do you want?" Marle kindly asked.
"I would like to... hold on a sec," the mysterious guest said and reached down into a pocket.
He picked a long piece of paper from the depths of his clothing, and looked at it. Then he merrily continued:
"I would like to bring the dark lord Magus and Slash the swordsman to the most unspeakable horrors. So where are they?"
"That's not fair!" Magus groaned, "I was a prisoner in that stupid 'Hanging around'! When I get my hands on that woman writing this, I'll..."
"What are you talking about?" the stranger blankly said.
"Never mind. I'm Magus," the warlock sighed, rolling his eyes.
"Thanks for cooperating, I had awaited a lot more resisting and screaming."
"I'm starting to feel the meaninglessness of fighting when I encounter these kind of weird situations," Magus grumbled.
The stranger seemed confused for a moment, but then shrugged his shoulders.
"So who's Slash, then?" he asked.
"He is!" the swordsman hurriedly said, pointing.
"I'm certainly not!" Ozzie snapped, "you are, remember?"
"Oh, how could I forget?" Slash sarcastically snarled.
"I'm not going to bear your torments!"
"I never liked you anyway..."
Magus held up his hands to make everyone pipe down. He then looked coldly at the stranger and most resolutely said:
"I'm not being brought anywhere if there are more Power Rangers. I can't take another one of those morons."
"Power Rangers?" the stranger scornfully said, "why would there be Power Rangers? They are just sooo outdated."
"Good."
"Wait, wait, wait!" Slash shouted, "what do you want me for? Magus is one thing, he's the lord of Darkness and all, but I'm not even a major boss!"
"Yes," Magus said, frowning, "why do you want Slash?"
"Well, it's very simple," the stranger said, "I'm on a journey to collect only the coolest evil guys of as many RPGs as possible."
"Heeey!" Dalton, Azala, Sir Krawlie, queen Zeal, the black and rust tyranno (don't ask how), Ozzie, Flea, the Mammon Machine (no questions asked...), all three of Lavos' forms, Mother brain, the two Yakras, Lavos' spawns (nope, not here either), Shadow Gaia, the dragon tank (...), Dalton's golems (breeeaaath) and all the other bosses of the game exclaimed.
"Sorry," the stranger sadly said, "I've only got two balls for Chrono Trigger."
"Two what?" everyone else blankly said.
"Sorry, can't talk right now. I've got some other places to visit, bye!"
The visitor jumped straight upwards, while yelling something. The world turned to a mad scenery of flashing colors, glowing lines and stars flying around like mad.
As everything turned back to normal the stranger, Magus and Slash were gone.
"No!" all of the remaining characters cried in outmost despair.
"No, no, no!" Ayla groaned, "they gone! Must find them! Search, hurry, hurry!"
"That's the spirit!" Cyrus cheered.
"Yeah, me hungry! Must bring cook back!"
"Oh God..." Frog choked.
He seemed to be on the brink of bursting into either tears or crazed laughter. Lucca hurriedly climbed up on the platform and kindly untied him.
"I thank thee, my comrade," Frog sourly said as he massaged his wrists and gave some of the other people of the group poisonous glares.
"Come on!" Flea exclaimed, "we have to save Slash and the boss!"
"Yes," Schala nodded, "but how?"
Everybody thought hard.
"I haven't got a crap idea," Lavos core finally said, "we don't even know where he brought them or who he was. This could be a problem."
"Hey Schala and Marle," Lenee said, frowning, "we didn't bribe anyone else for kidnapping, did we?"
"No, not that I know of," the princess from 1000 AD said, and Schala shook her head.
"What about bribing?" Frog and Crono exclaimed.
"Nothing, dear," Marle hurriedly said, "nothing at all..."
There was a sudden shout coming from above.
"Guys! Hey, people! Oaaah!!"
"Jump, Frog, jump!" Lucca screamed.
"'Twas the most stupid order I hath ever got!" Frog grumbled, but obeyed.
The inventor and the knight left the platform just a second before a red dragon crashed on it, turning the planks and logs into splinters.
"Ohhh..." the beast moaned and turned into a very knocked and dizzy Ryu of the Light Dragons, Breath of Fire 1, "a flying instructor... I need a flying instructor... can I have one for Christmas, mommy...?"
"Are you alright?"
Everyone of Chrono Trigger assembled around the crashed blue-hair.
"Yeah, I'm fine..." he mumbled, "huh? Dad?"
He blinked stupidly.
"Err, no," Frog said, "that one is Azala the reptite. What bringeth thee here, my friend?"
Ryu jumped up from the mess of smashed wood, almost tripping over his own feet.
"I came to warn you!" he exclaimed, "there's a freak in a robe walking around and..."
He noticed the looks on the many faces and sighed.
"I came too late again, didn't I?"
"Yes indeed," Ozzie said, "so who was cool enough over at you?"
"He took Jade!" Ryu snarled, "and if we doesn't have him, we are..."
The young man with blue hair froze and stared at someone in the crowd.
"Jade? What are you doing here?" he blankly said.
Everyone turned to look at the one that Ryu's eyes rested upon. That one raised his eyebrows and spoke:
"Who, me? No, sorry kid. My name is Dalton."
"Oh," Ryu said, "crap, I could have sworn... anyway, I have been trying to warn everyone I can think of being hit by this madness, and I have made up a plan with some of them! If we join forces, we might be able to find our frie... I mean enemies, and save them!"
"Great!" Robo beeped, "so what must be done?"
"You must choose a few of your strongest heroes and come to Bowser's castle of Super Mario Bros. 3, we'll all meet there in three hours, OK?"
"Bowser of Super Ma... hey, that means we'll be only 8 bits!" Lucca moaned, "we'll be crappy pixled!"
"Yeah, I know," Ryu sighed, "but I happened to meet Bowser, and he insisted on that we should come there. You'll have to come, Lucca, you and Edgar of Final fantasy 3/6j must join your knowledge of the scientific thingagimmickstuffwhatever, we'll need it."
"Oh, alright."
Part 2