Part One - Let the Terror Begin
by Cody and Charles Faraone
Chapter One - The Asylum Days
Three months after Kefka's defeat, Locke finally became employed. He started his own business. A clinic for the treatment of amnesia. Locke had come up with the idea a few weeks after the final battle, while playing Stone the Wild Boy. He had scored a direct hit on Gau's head, after which Gau couldn't remember anything.
"I took away his memory..." Locke said. "I have taken it!" "And what I can take... I can return... I think, I never gave anything back to anyone before."
'But no matter! What I have taken, I can restore! I AM A GOD!!!" Lightning flashed and thunder rumbled as Locke laughed hysterically.
And so, Locke opened the "Locke, The hand of God asylum for the treatment of amnesia at a reasonable price." clinic.
However, he had some problems with the Board of Health over his treatment methods.
"What do you mean it's 'Cruel and Inhuman'?" Locke Yelled at the official. "I'm the hand of God! How dare you question God's will you insignificant slug!"
"If you don't cease all of your activities, you will only make this worse, You are already facing twenty-five lawsuits."
"Ha!" Locke said. "God is my lawyer!"
"With the charges against you, you'll need the lord."
"Ha!" Locke said "God is my lawyer!"
"You already said that."
"Ha!" Locke said "I'm not saying it again!"
"Like I care."
"Yes you do!" Locke said "Ha! God is my lawyer!"
Locke was taken to court and found guilty of 254 counts of patient abuse...He had pleaded "Innocent".
Well specifically he pleaded "Innocent because I was only doing what I say God told me to do!"
Locke lost everything he had earned, and almost everything he had stolen. Just about all he had left was his clothes, his knife and his Wife.
So Locke went to his old friend Edgar's BIG Expensive castle.
(Which Locke was annoyed Edgar had earned, not stolen. I mean, why wait for the king to croak when you could just get rid of him quietly? Then YOU know you stole the castle, but the cops don't come looking for you.)
Locke knocked on the castle door.
Edgar opened the door. "Hey, Locke! You're out of court!"
"Yeah! they found me guilty of like, 1,000,000,000 charges or something!"
"Cool! uh, I mean, too bad..." Edgar said.
"Well I need someplace to stay for a month until I get a job."
"Uh...You can sleep in the basement." Edgar said.
"The basement? What about the guest room?"
"Celes is sleeping there." "What?" Locke yelled. "Why does Celes get the guest room?!"
"Well, if I have to see one of you every morning, I'd rather see Celes." Edgar said.
"But... Celes and I always sleep together. We're married!" Locke said.
"Too bad. I think Celes wants to stay in the guest room alone."
"How do YOU know?!" Locke yelled. "Celes hasn't said a thing this whole story! Don't forget, Edgar, I am the Hand of God! This story is about ME! MY life! MY dreams! MY mistakes! Uh... and...uh... MY wife! yeah, my wife. Now she can say something! I, the Hand of God, have made her a character in this story."
"Hey thanks." Celes said. "I'll take the guest room. see you in the basement tomorrow."
And so Locke lived in Edgar's basement for the next five years.
Chapter Two - Wild boy + Locke = Trouble
One day, Gau was hunting for food when an extremely large and heavy rock fell out of a tree and hit him on the head.
... Gau remembered... everything...
"Yeah, I know there's a thief in my basement." Edgar said to the police officer. "He's was an old friend of mine until you walked in. Say, what's he wanted for?"
"What isn't he wanted for is a better question."
"How much crime can Locke get into from my basement?"
"I'd say a lot."
"I haven't seen him since I showed him to his 'room' five years ago. I don't think Celes has seen him either."
"Have you noticed anyone coming back up from the basement?" The officer asked.
"Well...No I haven't."
"That's the problem. Locke is mugging everyone who goes down there. We think he's holding hostages, that's why nobody's come back."
"So what are you going to do?" Edgar asked.
"I'm going to ask him what he wants."
The officer raised his megaphone.
"LOCKE, THIS IS THE POLICE WE KNOW YOU HAVE HOSTAGES."
"I do?" Locke asked. "I mean, Of course! The Hand of God always has hostages!"
"WHAT DO YOU WANT LOCKE?"
"Me?"
"YES, YOU!"
"Oh, I don't want anything too big...just my clinic back, all my stuff, the head of that lawyer who beat me, the heads of the jury, the board of health shut down, Do you have a pen and paper? Are you writing this down?"
"WILL YOU TAKE JUST THE CLINIC AND YOUR STUFF?"
"Hell, no!" Locke yelled. "The Hand of God excepts no compromises!"
Meanwhile...
Gau climbed up the walls of Figaro castle and into the guest room window.
"WhErE Is LoCkE?" Gau rumbled.
"In the basement, why?" Celes answered.
"I'm GoInG To KiLl HiM!"
"Oh, Okay."
"ThAnK YoU!"
"Tell him I said 'Good-Bye'."
"SuRe! I'lL Do ThAt!"
...
"OKAY, HOW ABOUT THIS? YOU PROVE THAT GOD EXISTS AND YOU'LL GET WHAT YOU WANT."
"I don't have to prove anything to you, slug!"
"CAN WE SEE A HOSTAGE?"
"No!"
"WHY NOT?"
"... I don't want to show you!"
"MAYBE THERE AREN'T ANY?"
"There are HUNDREDS of them!" Locke said.
"In the basement?" Edgar asked.
"Yes, Ed. In your basement!"
"Why did you call me 'Ed'?"
"I don't like you anymore. I don't need you anymore!"
Edgar whispered to the officer: "You know, you can shoot him. I don't care."
"First we have to make sure he doesn't have hostages."
Just then Gau tore his way into the basement!
"Oh %!$&! GAU!" Locke exclaimed.
"I'm GoInG tO kIlL yOu!" Gau roared. "AnD cElEs SaYs 'GoOd ByE'!"
"You wanna fight me? The Hand of God?!" Locke said.
"YeS!!"
Gau jumped at Locke who drew his knife and slashed at him. The two combatants circled one another.
"You can't beat me!" Locke yelled "No one can EVER defeat me!"
"ThAt'S nOt YoUr LiNe!" Gau rumbled.
"So what? The Hand of God can use anyone's lines!"
"WeLl HeRe'S a NeW oNe FoR yOu! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND STUFF IT UP SOMETHING THAT WOULD BE CENSORED IF I SAID IT!"
"Oh yeah?"
"YeAh!"
"Oh yeah?"
"YeAh!"
"Gau! Look behind you!"
"LoCkE! BeHiNd YoU!"
Locke spun around "WHERE!"
Gau lunged at Locke, who turned just in time to hurl Gau over him and into the castle's engine!
"HA! Never mess with the Hand of GOD!!"
The engine began making funny noises as Gau was ground into hamburger. Then the steam pipes burst and the whole castle began to shake!
"Now look what you're done!" Locke screamed at the mangled corpse stuck in the gears." Now the castle gonna blow up! I've got to find someplace else to live!"
Locke turned and ran up the stairs. Edgar and the officer had already run off to evacuate the castle.
Locke ran right out the front door and kept on going.
Then the castle exploded.
Chapter Three - The Search For More Money
Locke awoke some hours later with a nasty bump of his head.
"Ouch." Locke said. "Hmm... I still remember everything... Of course! I'm the Hand of God! What I can take, can't be taken from me!"
Locke stood and glanced around. "Never liked that castle anyway! I wonder if Celes survived."
Locke looked in a full circle around him.
"Oh well, I can't see her... Too bad."
"I think it's quite obvious that the whole world is my enemy. And as such, it is my duty to make life on Gaia a living hell."
"Hmm...But to do that I'll need an army...And to get an army I'll need money...And to get money I need...a...J-Job... Oh! Wait! Celes must have had Life Insurance! I'll just tell the Insurance company that Celes died in the most expensive way!"
"Hey! I can sue Edgar for injuries and sue Gau for assault!"
"WHO NEEDS A JOB?!"
Locke laughed hysterically for a few hours then went off to put his insidious plot in motion.
Not surprisingly, the court wasn't interested in Locke's claims. They stated that Locke couldn't sue Edgar and Gau unless he could prove they were still alive.
Locke decided that finding them was too much work so he would settle for the money from Celes's insurance.
"What do you mean 'You need a corpse'?!" Locke screamed at the insurance agent. "I'm the Hand of God, and I say my wife's dead! End of discussion!"
"No it's not, and I don't care who you think you are, mister. No corpse, No money." The agent replied.
"How dare you...! You insignificant SLUG!!"
Locke reached for the agent, then though better of it and put his hands down. A wicked grin spread across Locke's face. "You have made a very grave mistake." He said darkly. "You will regret the day you became an agent."
"I already do." The agent replied.
The grin faded from Locke's face.
"Only I may quote other people's lines...ONLY I! THE HAND OF GOD!! DO YOU UNDER STAND THAT?!"
"Yeah, sure, do you want me to call security mister Hand of God?"
"AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!" Locke roared. "I'll be back! And when I return you will pay! BIG TIME!"
Locke turned and jumped through the window.
The few people who hadn't been watching Locke make an ass of himself turned at the sound of shattering glass.
Out the newly opened window Locke could be seen, stumbling away from the offices...
Locke spent a week thinking about his predicament.
No one will GIVE me money...
I don't have an army to STEAL it...
In large quantities that is... I did get that agent's wallet...
I guess it's the unemployment line for me...
"Hey YEAH! The unemployment line! They give away money! And all you have to do is prove you don't have a job!"
And so Locke went to the Unemployment offices.
As Locke entered the front door he saw that the office was full of unemployed people.
"There's more people in here then in the whole game!"
"Hey Locke!" a voice called.
"Sabin?" Locke asked. "Is that you?"
"No." Sabin replied with a smile. "I'm Sabin's twin brother Barn."
"Sabin and Edgar never said anything about a third twin."
Sabin laughed. "So how have you been, Locke?"
"Well how much did Edgar and Sabin tell you about me?"
Sabin stared blankly at Locke. "Locke?" he asked.
"Yeah."
"Do you know who I am?"
"You're Barn."
Sabin frowned. "Locke, how many people are in a set of twins?"
"Two."
"And how many people and Edgar, Sabin and Barn?"
"Three."
"So..." Sabin prompted.
"You're...weird twins?" Locke guessed.
Sabin slapped his palm against his forehead.
"I am Sabin, Locke!"
"Well then why did you say you were Barn?"
"I was making a joke!"
"Well I didn't get it."
"Forget it!" Sabin said. "How have you been Locke?"
"Oh, I'm fine." Locke answered. "Edgar's stupid castle exploded and Gau tried to kill me and I got sued for everything I had and I can't find Celes' body so that I can collect her life insurance."
"Bummer man."
"Yeah...But now I can collect unemployment checks!"
"Yeah!" Sabin said. "That's why I'm here."
"Uh...Well...I'm starting a Mafia to destroy the world... Do you want to join?" Locke asked.
"Well...I don't feel like destroying the world Locke."
"Oh, Okay..." Locke said. "Well I'll go get my check."
Locke got to the front of the line quickly since most of the people in the office were just sitting around with no where else to go.
As Locke picked up his check a gray haired man in a lab coat approached him.
"Did I hear someone looking for help destroying the world?" He asked.
"Yes." Locke said. "I need good... er... Bad people to help build the Mighty Mafia of The Hand of God!"
Once again Thunder rumbled and Lightning Flashed.
"I can dig it." The man said "My name's Lugae, I used to be a mad scientist until I lost my job when they shut the Tower of Bab-il down."
"Cool!" Locke said. "Now I've got a Mafia!"
"Still need more people to be a Mafia." Lugae said.
"Sure! This place is full of unemployed villains!"
"Alright! Let's get some!" Lugae said.
part 2 (Heaven save us all…)