The World Goes to Hell and it's All Locke's Fault Part Two - A New World Order?
Chapter Four - The Rise of Locke's Mafia
Locke and Lugae cleaned out the unemployment offices. Only a few heroes remained. (The heroes had thought it wise not to try and stop so many bad guys from joining Locke's Mafia.)
Then Locke tried to collect his unemployment check.
"I'm sorry." The clerk said. "But you seem to have become employed as a Mafia Boss."
"Uh...It's more of an army then a Mafia..." Locke said. "I just like the word 'Mafia'."
"Well as a general of an army, you're still not getting an unemployment check."
"Hey!" Locke said. "If I have an army, I don't have to ASK for my check. I can just TAKE it. In fact, I can take ALL the checks!"
"I don't think so." The clerk responded.
"Funny." Locke said. "I do."
Locke spent half an hour arguing with the clerk before he finally got somewhere. To bad it wasn't what he wanted.
"Funny." Locke said "I do."
"Okay," the clerk said. "If you say that one more time I'll-"
"Funny." Locke said "I do."
The next thing Locke knew he was flying through the air.
He went across the office, right out the front door.
His army followed him outside.
"Are you alright?" Lugae asked.
"Uh? Hmm. Ah? Oh? Hi? Bye? Bye." Locke responded.
"He's okay!"
The army cheered.
"Uh...Why didn't somebody tell me that unemployment clerks know karate and things like that?" Locke asked as he stood up.
"He doesn't know karate...He just picked you up and threw you out the door." Lugae answered.
"Well if that's his game..." Locke said. "Set up the Siege Towers! Assemble the Catapults! Sharpen your Steel! We shall lay siege to the unemployment offices! It shall be the first target in our... Uh... MY reign of terror!"
Locke's army setup their siege equipment and prepared to attack.
Just then a police officer walked up.
"What do you think you're doing?" She asked.
"Uh, I'm laying siege to the unemployment office." Locke answered.
"You're blocking traffic is what you're doing. Get this army off the streets."
"But I have to surround my enemy!" Locke protested.
"You can be surrounded by metal bars if you don't take your army out of South Figaro."
"But-"
"No buts, Get out."
"AARRGGHH! Alright...!" Locke growled. "Come on guys... The officer here says we can't attack that clerk."
"Bye-bye." The officer said.
"We're going!" Locke snapped. "Let's go to Nikeah and attack someone there."
"Why Nikeah?" Lugae asked.
"Two reasons 1: The Ferries leave from this very town. 2: The Ferries are free." Locke said.
Lugae nodded "Good reasons."
"You better believe they're good reasons! All Godly reasons are good reasons! And all of my reasons are Godly reasons! I am, After all, the Hand of God."
"Uh...Right..." Lugae said.
And so Locke's entire army moved to Nikeah.
Unfortunately, the South Figaro police told the Nikeah police that Locke was coming, so he didn't get to attack anything.
Locke marched his army south, past the Fanatic's Tower, and across the only bridge to what was left of the Southern Continent, then east, to the center of the land.
Along the way they encountered Ultros who was happy to join the Mafia.
Locke made him head squid in charge of everything someone else wasn't already in charge of.
As the army reached the wreck of Kefka's Tower Locke called a halt and addressed the troops.
"Here we shall build 'The Hand of God Mafia Head Quarters'." Locke stated.
"Why here?" Lugae asked.
"Well...Kefka's Tower used to be here."
"So?"
"Hey, I'm not paying for anything I don't have to!" Locke exclaimed. "We'll build the head quarters out of the rubble."
Locke turned to his army.
"This pile of rubble will serve as our new base of operations! Lugae, convert the area for construction."
"Uh, sure." Lugae said.
"NO NO NO!" Locke yelled. "You're forgetting the lines! We are supposed be proving that we are the Army of The Hand of God by ripping off someone else's line together!"
"Oh, yeah." Lugae said. "Sorry."
"Right." Locke replied "This pile of rubble will serve as our new base of operations. Lugae, convert the area for construction."
"Uh...What about materials?" Lugae asked.
"Use your imagination!" Locke snapped.
Lugae turned to Ultros. "Well? Any ideas?"
"Uh, my line...OH! There!" Ultros pointed in 8 directions.
"That's a lot of-HEY!" Locke hit Lugae.
"Say the next line!" Locke muttered under his breath.
"Oh, yeah..." Lugae turned back to Ultros.
"Great! But I'll need some help."
"Alright!" Locke said. "That's enough. Now really start building the base!"
Chapter Five...
Locke Cole's First Strike Locke's army spent the next two months building the base.
It had everything a world-conquering wanna-be could ever dream of. Electric fences all around the perimeter, heavily fortified walls, Guard towers with high-velocity machine guns, Mad scientist lab, a Nuclear reactor and a secret under ground 'Hitler Bunker' for Locke.
However, after building the base, Locke realized that no one was interested in attacking him.
"It has come to my divine attention that our enemies, out of their total fear of me, will not attempt an attack on this fortress of Godliness." Locke said.
On cue the entire army booed.
"So we shall go forth and bring the fear of our passing to the nearby towns of Albrook and Tzen!"
The army cheered.
"But, we shall not give them the comfort of facing a frontal assault. No! We shall sneak in to the cities...And...DO THINGS!"
The army cheered. One soldier raised his hand.
"Yes?" Locke asked.
"Are we going to do bad things?"
"That's a good question..." Locke said. "Maybe Lugae can answer it."
"Well, Lugae?"
Lugae stepped up to the microphone. "Uh, Yes. We will do bad things."
The army cheered.
"Good, get lost." Locke said to Lugae.
"Now! My loyal brainwashed troops! Go forth! And be BAD!" Locke said "Be BAD to the BONE!"
The army cheered.
And so Locke's Mafia began it's first real attack on anything.
The soldiers snuck into the towns at night and smashed people's mailboxes with baseball bats. They put cats up in trees. They walked everywhere signs said 'Keep off the grass'. They threw rocks through people's windows with notes tied to them saying 'Locke's Mafia was here'.
And other vile acts of war.
After a few weeks of this, people finally began paying "protection money" to Locke's Mafia.
Locke called a meeting of his highest people to discus the new funds.
"At last we are gathering the money I need to take over this world."
Locke said. "I have called this meeting to think of things to spend it on."
"More equipment for the lab?" Lugae asked.
"That's a good idea..." Locke said.
"How about more non-brainwashed help?" Ultros asked. "I've only got eight hands!"
"You really don't have any." Lugae whispered to Ultros.
"You think I don't know that?!" Ultros snapped.
"What?" Locke asked.
"I wasn't talking to you." Ultros replied.
"Oh...Wait! You can't talk to me that way!" Locke yelled. "I'm the-"
"Hand of God." Ultros finished rolling his eyes.
"Uh...yeah...Say you ripped off my line and I didn't have to tell you to do it! Very good Ultros!"
"Thanks." Ultros said.
Locke nodded. "Well, anyway, I have two ideas, I think we need more equipment for the lab. And I think we could use some more help."
Ultros started to say something but Lugae silenced him with a glance.
"Well." Locke said. "I'll get on the phone about the new help, and you two can...um...go do something."
Locke went to his 'Hitler Bunker' to make his calls.
Okay, let's see... Who do I need...?
Well, I've got plenty of money, so I should just go for the best!
Okay first I need someone to train my army...I know just the person!
Locke picked up the phone and dialed.
"Hello? I'd like to speak to Richard Simmons."
Locke waited while the call was connected.
"Yes, this is Richard Simmons." A voice answered.
"This is Locke Cole, The Hand of God, I need you to train my soldiers."
"Hmm...I don't have much to do around here...How much will you pay?"
"Well...A lot."
"Define 'A lot'."
"Uh... say... 100 Gold Pieces."
"Gold pieces?!" Richard exclaimed.
"Um...Yeah... Is there a problem?'
"No, no. no problem I'll be right there!"
"Well I sort of live in another world." Locke said.
"No problem!"
"And I'm one of those bad guys who think they're the good guys."
"So?"
"I'm planning to conquer the whole world and kill all who oppose me."
"Big deal!"
"Hey! I like your attitude! You're hired!"
"Thanks A lot!" Richard said and hung up.
"Well, that's one!" Locke said to himself.
Now I need someone to deliver cool speeches...
Locke dialed again.
"I'd like to speak to James Earl Jones."
Once again Locke waited for the connection.
"Yes?" the unmistakable voice answered.
"Is this James Earl Jones?" Locke asked.
"Yes." the still unmistakable voice answered.
"I need you to read cool speeches to my soldiers. I'll pay in Gold!"
"Gold? Just how much are you talking about?"
"Uh...About 100 pieces."
"And how big are they?"
"Like...Normal gold pieces."
"Well, if you could show me these gold pieces I'll read your speeches."
"Yeah, there's one other thing" Locke said. "I want you to wear your Darth Vader suit when you read them."
"I don't have a Darth Vader suit." James replied.
"I didn't play Darth Vader I just-"
"Yes you did!" Locke exclaimed. " I saw the movie! Don't try to trick me! I heard your voice!"
"That's all of me that was in the film."
"Then why did it sound like you?"
"It was me."
"You just said you weren't in the movie!"
"No, I said only my voice was in the film."
"Well fine," Locke said. "Just go get a Darth Vader suit and I'll bring the gold."
"I wouldn't fit in a Darth Vader suit. It was made for a smaller man."
"Alright, Fine!" Locke yelled. "If you're going to be this way, I don't need you!" Locke slammed the phone down.
A minute later the phone rang.
Locke picked it up. "Yes?"
"Is this Locke Cole?"
"Uh, that depends."
"Would you tell him he's won money."
"I have?!" Locke asked.
"No. Now Mr. Cole, This is Jackie Chan's agent. My client is not happy with you using the title of his new movie for your fifth chapter."
"Uh... yeah... that... I'm shocked by this total disregard for copyrighted material! I am having the problem fixed right as we speak!”
Locke hit the intercom button.
"Yes?" Ultros asked.
"Get a new chapter title up right now!" Locke said.
"Like what?"
"Anything!"
"Okay!"
Locke spoke back into the phone. "It should be fixed right about now."
Chapter Five - Ultros, The mighty God-like being is now in charge of this Mafia!
"Thank you." The agent said and hung up.
"AARRRGGGHHH!!!" Locke screamed. "I'll get you for this one Ultros! You! Yeah you! The one writing the story! Start the next chapter NOW!”
Chapter Six - Um...Uh...Anything!
Locke spent all night on the phone making deals.
He hired chefs to perpare gormet meals, Lawyers to tell him when he could be geting in troble with his 'Hand of God rip offs', and a new writer, just incase the one that was writing
Hey wait a minet! That's me!
"Yeah." Locke said "If you keep writing nice, I won't have to replace you."
Now just a minet, I am the one writing the story. If you replace me I'll sue the other writer for plagiarism. "Fine! Have it your way! Just keep writing!"
Alright...
Locke hired the best golfers to drive grenades at his enemies, He paid Guar to come and tour with his army, and he traded several good soldiers and his top draft pick to the Boston Bruins for their goalie Bill Ranford.
Still, by far the best deal Locke made that night was for a great replacement for James Earl Jones:
A talking Duck who called himself "The Duck in the Corner"!
Still Locke was not ready to launch his attack against the world...
Locke paced the meeting room.
"We need something extra, something that no one else has... And that is why I have built this device."
"Looks like a pile of junk." Ultros observed.
"That's so no one knows what it really does...And because I built it out of junk." Locke said.
"What does it do?" Lugae asked.
"Glad you asked! It's an Inter-dimensional Portal Generator!" Locke exclaimed.
Lugae leaned forward. "And it works?"
"I don't know." Locke said. "Why would I test it?"
"Still looks like a pile of junk." Ultros muttered.
"Fine." Locke said "We'll test it now. Let's go to the lab."
The three of them went to the mad scientist lab.
"Okay." Locke said after they hooked the machine up.
"I'll...Um...Monitor the...results from the other room, and you two can activate the machine."
Locke left the room, shut the door and ran upstairs.
"Okay!" He called down. "I'm monitoring! Start it up!"
Locke got down on the ground and put his fingers in his ears.
After a half hour or so he got up a when back down stairs.
He knocked of the door. "Uh...The...Monitoring equipment has...uh...is broken. Are you still alive in there?"
Lugae opened the door.
"It worked fine for about ten seconds, then it blew up."
He said. "But just before it did, a strange creature was pulled into this dimension."
"Wow! What does it look like?" Locke asked.
"Sort of like a big red and yellow cat that walks on two legs."
"Weird!" Locke exclaimed.
"It gets weirder, the thing seems to reverse the laws of physics in it's vicinity."
"Ooohhhh." Locke said. "I'll bet nobody else has one of these!"
Lugae smiled "I would say so."
"Cool."
"You know," Lugae said. "This would be the right time to try any evil mad scientist laughs you might have."
"Oh yeah!"
Locke tried several laughs before he found one he liked.
"Now." Locke said. "To think of bad things to do with the creature!"
After a few days, Locke came up with a wonderful idea.
"Look!" Locke said to Lugae and Ultros. "I've built a device that can control the creature's reversal effect!"
"How does it work?" Lugae asked.
"Simple!" Locke exclaimed. "You just implant this device into the creature's back." Locke held up a small metal box. "Then you write what part of reality you want to reverse next to the knob." Locke showed them where he had written 'gravity'.
"Now you turn the knob to that setting." Locke did so.
"There you go!"
Ultros clapped. "I like it when you clap for me, Ultros." Locke said. "I can just close my eyes and imagine that four people are clapping for me at once!"
After attaching the device to the creature, (which they finally decided must be a 'Snarf' since that was the only word it said, over and over.) Locke discovered a problem.
Who ever turned the Snarf on would be effected by it as well.
"Hey, that's no problem!" Locke said. "I'll just use the remote control to my TV set!"
Locke went to Radio Shack and spent far more then it was worth for an infra-red receiver, which he attached to the box in the Snarf.
Locke showed the Snarf to his army.
"Now I control a powerful weapon!" Locke said.
"And not just any weapon, a biological weapon!"
The Army 'Ohhh'ed.
"This amazing creature will be my key to victory!"
"And now... I can control him... with the press of a button!" Locke said holding the remote over his head.
The army cheered.
To be Continued in Part Three. Coming Soon to a Web Site Near You!