And now, the conclusion of...
The World Goes to Hell And It's All Locke's Fault:
Can You Guess Who I Don't Like?
By Cody and Charles Farone
Mail us with your comments. If you don't, we will not be held responsible for the consequences.
Part Four - If he can't have it, nobody can.
Chapter Ten - If you can't find a genius, make one.
Hand of God Mafia Headquarters, Briefing room.
Former Vector area, April 22nd, 12:74 PM.
"Do we have to look at that thing?" Ultros asked Locke, pointing
at the Setzer-canary.
"Hey! I am not a 'thing'!" Setzer snapped back.
"Yes, you do." Locke said. "I'm not about to give up my favorite
Lugae rolled his eyes. "Was that your 'Hand of God line rip off' for this
"Um, one of them." Locke answered. "I hope to do many more before
this story's over."
"And how much longed will that be?"
"Oh, not long!" Locke snapped. "Didn't you see the first line?
'And now the conclusion of...'. It's almost over. And I'm going to
"And how are you going to do that?" Lugae questioned.
"Easy! See the title of the chapter? That's what I'm going
"'Make' a genius? How are you going to do THAT?"
"Oh, so easy! I'll use the Snarf."
"That thing has come in handy, I'll give you that." Lugae remarked.
"Yes, it has." Locke agreed. "And who built the machine that
brought it here? Hmm?"
Lugae and Ultros sighed. "You."
Locke grinned wide. "ME!" He began laughing.
"Hey." Setzer whispered to the pair. "you really want to work for him?
There's far more money to be made in casinos! Join me, we can rule
the night life as-"
"STOP!!!" Locke roared. "I heard that! Only I, ONLY I, may
rip off lines from other books/movies etc.!"
"You're a lot of fun." Setzer muttered.
"Now! Back to the business at hand. This is the part of the story
where we make our plans known to someone who can escape and
warn the others."
"Umm... I know that's part of the plot, but do we really have to do
it? I mean, it's such a stupid mistake." Lugae said hopefully.
"Yes." Locke said. "We must." He turned to Setzer.
"Now pay close attention, I'm only saying this once."
. . .
After making certain that Setzer knew of his plans, and
had a body capable of making it back to Doma in time to
warn the heroes, Locke took a small band of soldiers on
a secret mission.
The small covert group made it's way up to Nikeah and
took another free ferry ride to South Figaro. Their passage
through South Figaro would have gone totally unnoticed if
Locke hadn't stopped to spray paint the words
"Locke was here!" on the police station wall.
They continued north, sneaking about, following
the Ninja Code of Stealth that Locke had taught them.
Locke has told them that the one word a Ninja must
always remember was "Surprise Attack!"
Locke stopped briefly at the wreck of Figaro Castle to look
for a few coins he had dropped while running away.
[Author's note: In another version of this story, Locke
found Gau's remains and brought them back to life using
the Snarf. However, that idea doesn't seem to have
fit into the version you are reading, so...]
Locke, who had just picked up Gau's remains, dropped
them when he read the previous paragraph.
'Pity. That idea sounded like fun. I hate it when stories get cut!'
The Locke-Ninjas continued north until they reached their destination:
(Due to the author's forgetfulness, they where able to reach Narshe
without dealing with the ocean in their path.)
Once there, Locke ordered them to spread out and search the area.
Locke, who knew exactly where he was going, but didn't want any of
the soldiers to get credit for finding the object of their search, headed
straight for the "New" mine shaft. (For all that it had been dug seven years
ago.) As Locke moved through the same tunnels he had traveled during
the game, he could not shake the feeling that someone was watching
him. A quick run through the list of characters told Locke who it must
be. "Strago! Come on out!"
"Don't be an idiot, kupo!" a voice said from behind Locke, startling him.
"Don't sneak up on me like that!" Locke exclaimed.
"Don't be an idiot then!" Mog replied siting down on a rock.
"Say, Mog." Locke began. "You, ah, wouldn't happen to have seen Umaro
around, would you?"
Mog looked at Locke funny. "You wouldn't happen to have seen Umaro around
would you, kupidiot?"
"I asked you, why would I have seen him?"
Mog made a rude noise at Locke. "He's been following you for the
last fifteen minutes!"
"WHERE?!" Locke exclaimed, spinning around to see the sasquatch
towering over him.
"HHHIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Umaro grunted.
"Ah HA!" Locke yelled, grabbing something off his belt and throwing
it on the floor. The bomb went off, filling the cave with thick white
When the smoke cleared, Mog was left standing alone in the
cave. There was no sign of Locke or Umaro.
"I'd have never thought that idiot could'da done that right..."
"Umaro's a big boy, and I'll go hungry. I guess I'll go bring the Chocobos
one step closer to extinction."
Chapter Eleven - Only two hundred and thirty-eight miles as the bird flies isn't quite so much far when you are the bird.
Setzer was exhausted. It was bad enough having to go all this
distance with a canary's body, having to carry his human head
along didn't help much.
Still, Setzer made it. He made it all the way from Vector's ruins
to castle Doma in under three paragraphs.
He spotted a light below in the castle, and swooped down to
warn his friends.
Edgar tried his best not to give himself away. He had a full house,
and he was sure he'd win this one.
Cyan tossed down two cards, and Celes dealt him replacements.
The knight's face remained neutral the whole time.
Celes dealt herself three cards, then looked at Terra questioningly.
Terra glanced over at Edgar, who hadn't drawn any cards himself.
"None." She said quietly.
Edgar's heart sank. He thought he might win this one...
But what if Terra was bluffing? Yes! She had to be! Luck
was with Edgar this hand!
"Bets?" Celes asked. The rules of this game where that you could
bet anything except money.
"That shield on the wall over there." Cyan answered.
"I'll raise you my Jet Pack." Edgar said.
"What Jet Pack?" Cyan asked.
"The one I had in another fanfic."(I don't know wich one though)
"Does that count?" Cyan asked Celes.
"No." Celes said. "Edgar, bet something from this story."
"You sure? It's a cool jet pack."
"Why did you stop capitalizing the words J/jet P/pack?" John
asked, and then disappeared again.
"Forget him." Celes said. "Bet Edgar."
"Okay, I raise you... Um... My chainsaw."
Celes shot Cyan a "what does Edgar think he has?" glance.
"The Illumia." Terra said. Celes and Cyan looked at each other.
"Well, I fold." they said in chorus tossing their cards on the table.
Uh, oh. What does she have? Edgar thought, panic starting
to creep up on him. Yet he DID have a full house, ace high too.
Edgar decided to be daring.
"I raise you... twenty acres out side of South Figaro."
Terra looked down at her cards, then back at Edgar.
"I'll see that bet." She said looking straight into his eyes.
"Dinner with me."
S**T! She's got a royal flush!
"Ah, I fold!" Edgar said slapping his cards down on the table.
Terra smiled slightly.
Just then a huge thud sounded against the window.
The poker players watched wide-eyed as the creature
slid off the window and fell to the ground.
"Was that..." Celes began.
"Setzer?" Cyan finished.
Celes, Cyan and Terra ran out of the room, leaving Edgar
to do what he knew he must.
He lifted Terra's cards and looked at them.
4 of hearts, 7 of clubs, King of spades, ace of hearts, two of clubs.
NOTHING?! She tricked me!
The three returned carrying the weirdest thing Edgar had ever seen.
"I am not a thing!" Setzer yelled as they put him on the table.
"Uh, I'm not here for dinner, am I?" Setzer asked.
"Of course not!" Celes said.
"But there was almost a certain dinner..." Terra remarked slyly.
"Please, listen to me." Setzer said. "That jerk Locke, He shot down the
Falcon and took me into his bunker. He did this to me, then told me
his whole plan. Probably wants you to walk into a trap. But... I had
to warn you that he's going to destroy the world. He said. If he
can't have it, nobody can."
"Is that what part four's title means." Cyan said realizing.
"Yes." Setzer replied weakly. "You... You must find him...
He has this creature called a Snarf. He... Uses it to... change
reality. He's transformed Umaro into an evil genius.
The sasquatch is going to build him an armored space station
with enough power to destroy an entire planet."
"We have to stop him!" Terra exclaimed.
That should have been my line... Edgar thought.
"But how?" Celes asked.
Setzer leaned up. "You must go to the Hand of God Mafia Headquarters
and steal a shuttle." Setzer held up his wing, presenting a computer disk.
"This disk has the security clearance codes Locke gave me. With these
you can get aboard the station and rescue Umaro. Then, he can tell
you how to destroy it."
"Then that is what we must do!" Edgar said heroically. Then
"Hey! You let me say it!"
"Well, you did destroy Locke's army." Terra said. "That deserves some
Edgar started to say something more, but Terra waved her finger at him.
Much later, aboard the Hand of DooM, Locke's battle station.
Locke was pacing the bridge. "Still no sign of the shuttle?"
"No, sir." the radar operator responded.
"When it does show up, can we just shoot it down?" Lugae pleaded.
"No!" Locke snapped. "That's not in the plot!"
"F the plot!" Lugae screamed in rage. "I DON'T WANT TO LOSE AGAIN!"
"Too bad." Locke replied casually. "Put him in the brig."
"NO!" Lugae ranted as he was dragged away. "YOU CAN'T DO THIS!
YOU CAN'T! WE CAN WIN! WE CAN STILL-"
The door closed, cutting off the noise.
Ultros looked at Locke.
Locke looked at Ultros. "Would you like to keep Lugae company in the
"Nosir!" the octopus replied, saluting with six tentacles.
"Good..." Locke said with an ominous pause after the word.
The pair watched out the window. Waiting for destiny.
The shuttle flew along a more or less straight course to the
Hand of DooM.
"Are you sure you know how to drive this thing?" Celes asked
"Yes. It's very easy, just don't make me hit the wrong button."
Edgar replied nervously.
As they drew closer to the battle station, a voice came over the
radio. "We have you on our screens n-" The voice was cut off
suddenly. Then Locke's voice could be heard. "Transmit
your code clearance now."
"Uh, transmission commencing." Edgar said.
He pushed a few buttons, then glanced around the cockpit.
Celes was standing frozen, staring at the station.
"You alright?" Terra asked her.
"I'm endangering the mission, I shouldn't have come." Celes
"Celes?!" Locke's voice came over the radio. "It's about time you
showed up! And you're not allowed to rip off lines! Only I can
do that! But I'll cut you some slack this time since you're my
wife. By the way, you're clear to sneak onto the station."
The radio cut off, and the four in the cockpit exchanged
The shuttle flew on towards the dreaded space weapon.
(Which, by the way, was shaped like a hand.)
After the shuttle landed on board the station, the four
heroes waited some time for the soldiers to arrive,
yet none did. They stealthily made their way out of
the hanger. A large sign on the wall read:
After yet another exchange of glances, the heroes went
the other way.
And after wasting two hours searching, finally returned
to the sign and followed it.
Right around the corner they found a door marked: UMARO
"Wait!" Edgar exclaimed. "I've always wanted to do this!"
Edgar stood squarely in front of the door and kicked it.
The door was unchanged, though Edgar's foot had seen better days.
"That was stupid." Terra remarked as she pressed the button on the
wall beside the door, which slid open.
Umaro looked up from the design he was sketching.
"Well, I say. It's certainly about time you arrived here.
Locke will destroy the world soon. We must hurry off the station."
The sasquatch got up off his stool and walked to the door.
"Don't just stand around! Speed is of the essence!"
Umaro jogged around the corner to the ship while the heroes,
yes, you guessed it, exchanged a glance.
The four returned to the ship, now five strong, having completed
their mission. Umaro sat in the pilots seat, making a remark
about something. It was hard to tell given that he had mumbled
The shuttle lifted off and dove towards the planet, it's shields
carving a fiery trail through Gaia's atmosphere.
And thus ends the chapter.
Final Chapter - It all comes down to this.
Back in The Hand of God Mafia Headquarters...
Snarf paced back and forth, wondering what he had done to
deserve this fate. Behind him paced the remaining 97 Smurfs,
thinking similar thoughts.
Their gazes turned to the sky as the shuttle came into
The pilot executed a perfect landing on the pad.
As the engines powered down, the boarding
ramp lowered, and the four plus one heroes
As they headed down the ramp Edgar spied the
gathering of creatures. "Here comes the scene
in which Terra feels bad for some poor little
things." he muttered to no one in particular.
"Oh!" Terra exclaimed upon viewing the poor little
creatures. "What did Locke do to you?"
"See." Edgar said.
"What?" Celes asked him.
"Nothing." Edgar replied.
Terra ran over to the 98 little creatures.
The largest of them, the red and yellow cat spoke
the her. "Bbrrr, you call that guy Locke? He's the nastiest
creep old Snarf's ever seen! I would'da shown him a thing or two
but I didn't wanna hurt the little blue guys."
"He's already hurt us!" one of the Smurfs cried. "He killed
Jokey, Brainy, Ugly and Insideout! Gargamel never did anything like that to us!
We don't know how to handle it!"
"And he's still got Papa Smurf tied around his neck!" Another Smurf put in.
"This is terrible!" Terra said turning to the others.
"I know how much you feel for all the world's helpless little
creatures, But the Hand of DooM will be powering up
it's main cannon soon." Umaro said. "If Locke fires that
cannon, it's end of story. And no sequels. I will build a
squadron of aerospace fighters which you will fly
against the Hand of DooM."
Umaro began sticking scrap metal parts together as he
gave them the technical readout for the battle station.
"Now while the Hand does have a powerful cannon,
the number of turbo laser turrets is quite low. So therefore,
the only logical attack would come from small one man
fighters. Since Locke knows this, we can be certain he will
not be ready for it.
Now, I did not build any trenches on the Hand, so attacking
it will be much easier. All you have to do is score a direct hit
on the tail pipe. A precise hit will start a chain reaction that
will destroy the station. However, the tail pipe is shielded
against all known forms of attack, so you will have to
stop it up with a banana."
The heroes waited for someone to say "That's impossible!"
but no one did, so Umaro continued.
"You will have twenty minutes before the Hand is clear to
fire. Man your ships, and may the... Forget it, I am wasting time.
Go get Locke!"
Umaro stepped away from four shiny(shiny! SHINY!) new starfighters.
Edgar, Terra, Celes and Cyan climbed into their ships and
On their way into orbit they had a necessary discussion of roles.
"Look, the way I see it, I'm Luke." Edgar said.
"Well, the way I see it, I'm Luke or I'll use MY chainsaw for
spare parts." Terra replied.
"Spare parts for what?!" Edgar exclaimed. "You couldn't even get
the screws out of it!"
"So sure I don't know how to dismantle it?" Terra asked him sweetly.
"... ... ALRIGHT! Fine. You're Luke." Edgar started muttering to himself
"That's nice." Terra said. Then to the flight group. "Okay, I'm flying
point. Form a diamond pattern with Edgar flying aft.
Edgar's muttering grew louder.
The fighters streaked toward the Hand of DooM, about to begin a battle
that would decide Gaia's fate.
Aboard the Hand of DooM
"Enemy fighters ahead." The radar operator called.
"Forget them." Locke said. "We can fire the cannon right
"We can?" Ultros asked. "I thought Gaia was still out of range."
Locke gave him a funny look. "What am I?"
"The Hand of God, who can do whatever he pleases." Ultros
Locke nodded, then turned to the gunner. "You may fire at will."
"Yes, sir." the gunner replied going to work.
Locke watched over his shoulder as the gunner clicked
on the Start button, moved the pointer to Programs, then
Hand of DooM controls, and finally, SuperLaser.
The computer clicked away for a few seconds, then reported:
Insufficient memory to run program. 4937 KB more free space on drive C: required. There is currently 294 KB worth of files in the recycling bin. Would you like to remove these files?
"What?!" Locke exclaimed. "Bring up the explorer!"
The soldier did so, and examined the contents of the drive.
"It's all your games, sir. One of them has to go."
"Alright, let's go!" Terra spoke over the radio in Edgar's cockpit.
"Yeah, yeah." Edgar answered.
The fighters accelerated to attack speed, though none of the
heroes knew what attack speed was.
"I... I... I can't pick one!" Locke sobbed.
"Those fighters are out there!' Ultros screamed.
"Get a grip on yourself! Just pick one!"
"NO! I can't! I just can't!" Locke said, backing away from
the computer. "You do it Ultros! I've... Got to go intercept those
With that Locke ran off the bridge.
Ultros turned to the gunner. "What's on the drive?"
"Let's see... Crusader, Master of Orion II, Doom II, Quake, TIE Fighter,
Wing Commander III, Diablo, King's Quest VII-"
"THAT'S IT!" Ultros exclaimed. "DUMP THAT ONE!"
The gunner clicked the mouse several times. "No good, it's
just saved games."
"Damn Sierra!" Ultros cursed. "Not only are 99% of their games crap,
but you can't even dump them to fire a superlaser!"
"Okay, WarCraft II, Sam and Max Hit the Road-"
"Outpost?" Ultros asked. "Is outpost in there?"
The gunner (Who we shall call Steve...that normal guy) turned to Ultros.
"Locke's not stupid enough to buy THAT game!
-FX Fighter, Battlemage..."
Locke's bent-wing TIE Fighter shot out of the hanger
with two standard TIEs as his wingmen.
"Enemy targets on radar!" Cyan reported.
"Three on four. I'll go for the pipe, you three get Locke!" Terra ordered.
The lead ship pulled away from the rest of the group, who hit their
afterburners and blasted towards Locke's ships.
Locke chuckled as he saw the stupid heroes trying to take
one-on-one odds with his flight wing.
Little did they know, that the pilots of his two TIEs where none
other then the great imperial generals Kain and General Pichard.
Those two would have the heroes for breakfast!
"-Rebel Moon Rising, Total Distortion, Civilization..."
Terra's ship charged on a straight course for the tail pipe.
The targeting scope showed 4.75 klicks to target.
For once Locke predicted something right. Kain (he didn't really wnat to attack Celes or Terra but the script ) and General Pichard overwhelmed Edgar, Celes and Cyan.
Locke broke free of the fighting and flew after Terra.
With his twin ion engines, Locke overtook her easily.
Yet before he could stop her, Terra fired the banana.
But it hit just off to the side. The shot was wasted.
Terra pulled up, but Locke stayed right behind her firing
his lasers aimlessly.
"I missed!" Terra called over the radio. "The banana has to be
aimed more precisely then the computer can do it. Locke's right behind
me. He's a horrible shot but he might get-" The communicator went dead
as Locke got lucky. He had *totally intentionally* hit Terra's engines,
sending her ship plummeting into the Hand of DooM.
"Hey!" Edgar exclaimed. "Terra wasn't Luke! She was Red Leader! I'm Luke!
I'll destroy the Hand!"
Cyan and Celes where staring in shock at the scorched crater that was
all that was left of Terra's ship.
"That's it!" Ultros exclaimed (Yes, lot's of people exclaim in this chapter.)
"It's a Sierra game that takes up valuable hard drive space! Delete it
"Yes, sir!" Steve turned clicked the mouse several more times.
"Done! Ready to start the firing sequence."
Edgar glanced at his targeting scope. 3.86 klicks.
Then, remembering the movie, he switched it off.
Ahead loomed the Hand of DooM, and it's achille's heel.
"I've never liked this one." Locke said to himself as he tried
to locke weapons on Edgar's ship. After Celes and Cyan had
stopped fighting to feel sad about Terra, Kain The Dragoon and
General Pichard had rejoined his wing.
The three TIE Fighters closed mercilessly on Edgar's
junk fighter. "I can take him." Kain said.
"No." Locke replied. "You cover me, I'm on him."
After a pause, Kain answered. "As you will."
Edgar could almost see the pipe, it was almost over!
Locke fired on him. Brilliant bolts of green energy shot passed his
ship. It was almost over. But then he was hit! One of his engines
went out. Without it he was a sitting duck (In the corner or not)
for Locke's next volley.
Suddenly Kain and Pichard veered off. Locke, intent
on finishing Edgar, never saw the ship coming down right
on top of him. It fired, blasting Locke's fighter off into deep
"You're all clear, brother!" Sabin's voice came over the comm.
"Now blow that thing to hell!"
Edgar was filled with all the power in the universe. (Well, he felt
Looking straight down the tail pipe, he jammed his thumb down
on the firing trigger. The banana shot out of the ship, flying
gracefully through the black void.
"Power charging complete, stand by."
Closer and closer
The banana slid straight into the pipe. It was done.
The three junk fighters, Sabin's starship and the two TIE fighters
shot away from the Hand of DooM just before it was consumed
by an incredible blast. The shock wave knocked their ships
about for a moment. Once they had regained control, the survivors
of the attack returned to Gaia, Triumphant!
As the fighters landed, a cheer went up from Umaro, Snarf and
97 Smurfs. The war heroes climbed down from their ships
and met the crowds. Amidst the celebration, Edgar decided to
take the time to honor a lost friend.
"Well, she wanted to be Luke. Maybe if she hadn't, she'd still
be alive. But, no sense crying over spilt milk, or exploded friends.
At least I'm still the owner of the world's only known Chainsaw!"
"What, you mean MY Chainsaw?" A very familiar voice asked.
"NO!" Edgar screamed. "I saw your ship crash into the Hand of DooM!
I saw it!"
"Well, of course you did." Terra replied. "I wouldn't expect you
to see any different then the truth."
"But...but...how?" Edgar asked.
"How? Simple. good guys never die unless it's part of the script.
Nothing else can kill them. Of course, it applies to good gals as well."