Scenes from a parallel universe; FF8: Part 5

[Head Matron Edea (possessed) is in her office, amusing herselves with a combination of insane and wicked cackling, throwing frog poison-tipped darts at a picture of Squall hanging on the wall (from when he was “Student of the Month” back in February) of her office, and spinning her head around just to freak out Sid, who’s shivering in the corner, pants quite moist.]

[Enter Laguna, with a bucket of tap water in one hand and a bible in the other.]

Laguna [to Sid]: I’m not too late, am I?

Sid: [terrified] No, she’s right over there.

Laguna: Ah. Hello...Edea, isn’t it?

[She smiles at Laguna.]

[She opens her mouth and projectile vomits half a gallon of sickly green pea soup all over his face.]

Laguna: Lovely. Okay, um, whoever’s in there, like, get out, and stuff.

Edea: No. We’re not finished in here.

Laguna: Oh, I think you are. The power of Christ compels you!

[He holds the Bible up in her face. There is no reaction.]

Edea: What the hell do you think you’re doing?

Laguna: The power of Christ compels you!

[He dumps the bucket of water over her head. The spinning of the bucket, caused by the spinning of the head underneath, attests to the ineffectiveness of this attempt.]

[Edea rips the bucket off her head.]

Edea: What was that for?

Laguna: Holy Water.

Edea: [very sarcastic and mocking] Oh PLEASE. We’ve seen underwear that was holier than that water. [points to Sid.] His, in fact.

Sid: Shut up!

Edea: [Very Demonic sounding voice] YOU SHUT UP!

Sid: [very cowed, and very scared, whispers and whimpers] yes dear.

Laguna: So, like, the power of Christ has compelled you twice now. Don’t you feel like leaving her body?

Edea: Nope.

Laguna: [Shoves the Bible in her face again] The power of Christ compels you!

Edea: No it doesn’t.

Laguna: Oh. Hmm, hold on a minute.

[Laguna puts the Good Book down and fishes around in his pockets. He finds some incense and a gold Buddha Statuette.]

Laguna: Then, um, the power of...um...Buddha! Compels you.

Edea: Nope.

Laguna: How about Mohammed?

[Edea shakes her head.]

Laguna: Moses?

[Edea pantomimes a yawn.]

Laguna: Krishna, Vishnu, Shiva, Brahma, or any particular combination of the aforementioned?

[Edea blatantly and shameless picks her nose and, after studying the formation and consistency, she flings the booger in Laguna’s face.]

Edea: Is this going to take much longer? We’ve got places to go, people to kill, you know.

Laguna: The power of...um…how about Odin? Does the power of Odin compel you?

Edea: ...

Laguna: Zeus? Jupiter? Amon-Ra?

Edea: You’re really reaching for them, now. It’s getting embarrassing.

Laguna: The power of Hyne commands you!

Edea: Oh, come on, now you’re just making them up!

Laguna: [frustrated] Christ!

Edea: You tried that one several times already.

Laguna: I give up.

[Laguna picks up the Bible and storms out of the office, stopping only to hurl the bible back over his shoulder blindly in frustration. Improbably, (miraculously?) it beans Edea in the forehead.]

Edea: Ouch! Watch it, you idiot...uh oh...

[She begins to twitch and writhe uncontrollably. She falls to the floor, still twitching and writhing. She emits inhuman screams and bellows of protest, but all in vain, as the evil spirits are compelled to leave her body. In wisps of smoke and with much foul language, they seep through the floorboards and descend, below, where they belong.]

[Edea, now dispossessed, sits up, blinks her eyes, and stretches her neck.]

Edea: Did I miss anything?

[She looks over at Headmaster Sid.]

Sid: Oh, I’m so relieved.

Edea: [looking at his pants] You most certainly are. Honestly, Sid, I understand that plenty of men have bladder control issues in their older years, you really ought to go to the doctor. There’s no shame in it.

Sid: I’m just glad everything will be back to normal around here again.

[Fade Out.]

SCENE 29: Plot Compression

[Hallway, outside class. A few students mill about here and there. Quistis has hidden herself in the Janitor’s closet, the door to said closet slightly ajar so she can watch, unseen, the events that are so soon to unfold.]

Quistis: This is like sooo ironic, and stuff. You’d think the Janitor would, like, at the very least, keep his own closet clean?

[Enter Squall, from the right.]

Squall: Yo, dis be it. Dis be where Selphie said she’d meet me.

[Enter Seifer from the left.]

Seifer: [takes a deep breath] The moment of truth.

[Squall and Seifer see each other.]

Squall: ...

Seifer: ...

Squall: Yo.

Seifer: Hello.

[Silence.]

Squall: Man, this ain’t just about a bet for me no more, just so ya know. Ain’t no game, ya feel?

Seifer: I know. She’s amazing.

Squall: I heard that.

[Silence.]

Squall & Seifer, simultaneously: I think I love her.

[They look at each other, oddly, tensely.]

[Enter Selphie. She looks at Seifer, then at Squall.]

Selphie: [ASIDE TO AUDIENCE] This is so nerve-wracking. The three of us in the same place...this probably wasn’t the best idea. Oh well, too late now.

Squall: Yo girl, wassup?

[Squall gets very close and wraps his arm around her shoulders and gazes amorously into her eyes.]

[Seifer, sensing a battle lost, shyly waves a greeting.]

Quistis: [Whispering, unheard by the others] Like, come on Seifer! Don’t be such a dweeb! Go get her. Don’t, like, be intimidated!

Seifer: [Soft Voice] Hi Selphie. How are you? [ASIDE TO AUDIENCE] If it’s up to our charisma and our “technique” it’s over. I’ve lost her. But Selphie’s too smart to be that shallow. I’m sure she recognizes me for what I’m like on the inside, as I do her.

Squall: So, what ‘cha say, girl?

Selphie: [Smiling] Yes.

Quistis: NOOOOOO!

[Nobody else hears her.]

Squall: Cool beans!

[Seifer silently walks away. Exit Seifer.]

Squall: So, um, yo, when you want me to be rollin’ by on my wheels to pick you izzup?

Selphie: The Garden Festival starts at 8:30, right?

Squall: Yup yup.

Selphie: So, how about 8:00?

Squall: Aight. I’ll pick you up at 8:00.

[They embrace.]

Quistis: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Again, nobody hears Quistis.]

[Selphie excuses herself and leaves. She turns around once, waving goodbye to Squall. Exit Selphie.]

Squall: Uh! Uh! Raise The Roof!

[Exit Squall, “raising the roof” as it were. Quistis emerges from her hiding place.]

Quistis: Oh, my, gawd, how did this happen to me? Like, what am I going to do now? [Shudders] Ewww, I sooo don’t want to be seen anywhere with Seifer. Especially, at the Garden Festival! It’s like only THE most important social event ever!

[A loud crashing noise is heard, coming from within the closet. Quistis emerges from the closet, a bucket affixed to her head and dumping an unidentified and not very clean-looking liquid all over her.]

Quistis: Ewww! Ewww! Ewww! I sooo don’t need this now!

[Re-Enter Squall, attracted by the noise. He sees Quistis’ predicament. And laughs.]

Quistis: Shut up Squall! This is sooo totally not funny, okay?

Squall: Girl, you crazy. Man, is that some trendy new Donna Karan hat or something? Man! That’s a trip.

Quistis: Shut up! Stop laughing at me! It’s not funny.

Squall: Aight, Aight, don’t trip, I’m just messin’ wit cha. Hey, I gotsta give you props though. I never even woulda thought about trying to hook it up with Selphie if not for our little bet. Thanks.

[Squall helps Quistis take the bucket off her head.]

Quistis: What are you talking about?

Squall: Man, Selphie is da bomb! Once ya get to know her, and all dat.

Quistis: [defeated] So you really are going with her to the Garden Festival.

Squall: To dat and beyond dat, is what I’m sayin’.

Quistis: So, you’re really happy with her, then? Like, everything worked out well in the end, n’ stuff?

Squall: Yup.

Quistis: So, um, like, you aren’t going to, like...

Squall: Hold you to yo’ end of the bet?

Quistis: [suddenly very hopeful] Yeah?

[Squall laughs.]

Squall: What? You trippin’! Of course I gonna hold ya to it! Don’t make da play if you can’t make the pay, girl!

[Exit Squall.]

[Quistis kicks the bucket.]

Quistis: NOOOOOOOO! This is SOOO unfair!

[Re-Enter Seifer, more than a little despondent.]

Seifer: I suppose it’s not my place to question His wisdom, but...but why me? Or, actually, why not me? I just really thought I felt some chemistry there. Was it something I said? Something I did? Why couldn’t she take a chance on me? Am I not worth it? Stupid Squall, swooping in when he isn’t even really interested...no, I’m sorry. I take that back. I apologize. It’s not right of me to think such things. Besides, he does seem to really and genuinely care about her, too. I suppose I have to accept that. If she’s happy...if she’s happy with him, that’s what really matters. I just want her to have more faith in herself, and others. If Squall helps her do that, then, yeah, that’s good. They have my blessing. That’s what I want for her, then. But...

Quistis: [apprehensive] Um, Seifer?

Seifer: Oh, hello. Quistis, right?

Quistis: Yeah.

Seifer: Is that... [sniffs]

Quistis: It’s Chanel No. 5. Very expensive

Seifer: Actually, I was referring to that liquid that you’re soaking in. It smells an awful lot like Pine Sol. Did you fall into a mop bucket or something?

[Quistis’ cheeks flush bright crimson with utter humiliation.]

Quistis: Um, Seifer, this is like, really, really embarrassing for me. But, um, like, I still don’t have, like, a date for the Garden Festival. [She pauses apprehensively.] Even though I’m still sooo really really popular! But, um...

[Pause.]

[Long pause.]

[Seifer and Quistis look at each other.]

Quistis: I need a date so like I’m asking you if you want to like go with me to Garden Festival okay there I said it let’s go.

[Quistis cringes, anticipating having to stoop to going with Seifer to Garden Festival.]

Seifer: That’s okay.

Quistis: Huh?

Seifer: It’s okay, there’s no need for you to feel embarrassed or nervous or dreadful. I know you’re only asking me because you have to, owing to the terms of the bet you made. Don’t worry; I’m not really all that interested in going, anyway.

Quistis: What?

Seifer: Besides, I feel I’ve not been as gracious and graceful as I could be these past few days. I probably really should spend tomorrow night in more spiritual pursuits.

Quistis: [In utter disbelief] You’re...saying NO? To me?

Seifer: That’s right. Thank you, but I’m honestly not interested. No offense, but I really don’t think you’re my type.

Quistis: No Way! You’re turning me down?

Seifer: I’m sure there are plenty of other guys in Garden who would be interested in going with you, though.

Quistis: Quit talking in that stupid mock-innocent voice! And wipe that stupid smirk off your face! That is sooo not cool!

Seifer: What do you mean?

Quistis: You’re, like, totally rubbing it in my face! Squall put you up to this, didn’t he?

Seifer: No, actually, he didn’t, sorry. I’m not trying to rub any salt in any wounds of yours. I just honestly am not interested in going to Garden Festival with you. I really didn’t think you’d make such a big deal out of it, to be honest. I mean, you don’t really want to go with me. You only asked because you lost a bet and, thus, you have to. You never really have thought very much of me. I get the impression you’d be embarrassed to go with me to Garden Festival. Or any other function, for that matter. I wouldn’t want to put you through any of that supposed embarrassment, I don’t have any strong desire to go to Garden Festival, so why go? One school dance isn’t very important in the Grand Design, anyway. Good bye, Quistis. And good luck.

[Exit Seifer.]

Quistis: I do NOT believe this! This is like SUCH a nightmare, oh, my, gawd.

[Enter Fujin and Raijin.]

Fujin: Hey.

Raijin: What’s going on?

[Quistis only shakes her head in disbelief, still staring at the spot where Seifer was standing when he turned her down.]

Raijin: Looks like Selphie agreed to go to the Garden Festival with Squall.

[Quistis groans in frustration.]

Quistis: This is sooo the worst day ever! Like, I’m hiding out in the Janitor’s closet to see what happens with Squall and Seifer and Selphie, right, and like it’s so dark in there that I can’t see how totally grody it is, and she agrees to go with him to the Garden Festival! And, like, I get something totally disgusting over all my clothes and then I’m all like “oh no, I lost the bet and I’m stuck asking that loser Seifer out, and so I’m all like “hey, Seifer, like, you wanna go to Garden Festival with me” and stuff like that, right, and... [she stops.]

Fujin: Continue…

Raijin: And what?

Quistis: [very upset] HE TURNED ME DOWN!

Fujin: WHAT?

Raijin: So you asked him out and he said no?

Quistis: This is sooo humiliating.

Raijin: It must be. That really sucks. I’m sorry, Quistis.

[Raijin and Fujin turn away from Quistis.]

Fujin & Raijin: [ASIDE, TO EACH OTHER] {snickering laughter}

Raijin: So, like, you still don’t have a date for Garden Festival, do you?

Quistis: No. Oh, my, gawd, I’ll have to ask...[Shudders]...Zell. That’ll be, like, going with my brother, or something. Everyone will be all like “oh my God, Quistis is such a hillbilly.”

Raijin: Actually, turns out he hooked up with Rinoa.

Quistis: What the hell? You’re kidding!

Fujin: Nope.

Quistis: How could she do that to me? Okay, okay, don’t panic, there’s got to be somebody else. How about [she swallows hard] that Nida guy?

Raijin: Going with that girl Xu, I’m afraid.

Quistis: NOOOOOOOOOOO! Okay, who else, maybe one of those dweebs Rinoa hangs out with, what are their names?

Raijin: Zone and Watts, I think.

Quistis: I’ll have to ask one of them. This is sooo awful.

Raijin: Nope. They can’t go.

Quistis: Why not?

Fujin: Suspended.

Raijin: Yeah, they got suspended from extra-curricular activities after they pulled that stunt with the spray-painting “Death to Bourgeois Galbadians = Justice and Freedom for All” on the side of the gym. You know how they are about the revolution.

Fujin: Sorry.

Quistis: This is sooo lame! That just leaves...oh, my, gawd, I’m going to be stuck asking Irvine.

Raijin: No you won’t. He’s hooked up with Ellone.

Quistis: What? Who? How?

Raijin: Yeah. According to eyewitness accounts she made the first move. Practically jumped on top of him and forced her tongue right into his mouth, apparently. He seemed to like it, too.

Quistis: I can’t go by myself! My life will be like sooo over! But, if I don’t go at all, my life is like also over! What am I going to do?

Raijin: Looks like you’re stuck trying to chase after Seifer. You got, what, five days to change his mind?

Fujin: Three.

Raijin: Three days.

Quistis: Gawd. You guys like need to help me, and stuff.

Raijin: Like, give you advice?

Fujin: Tips?

Quistis: Whatever.

Raijin: Personally, I’d get movin’ after him instead of just sitting around talking to us. I mean, who knows who could be asking him out right now.

[Quistis gets a horrified look on her face at the suggestion of that possibility. She runs off. Exit Quistis.]

Raijin: Normally, if my neighbor’s house was on fire, I’d loan him my garden hose, but…

Fujin: If only watching her go down in flames like this wasn’t so terribly amusing. I do feel guilty about laughing at her misfortune, but, you know, she is sort of snobbish.

Raijin: She sorta asked for it, ya know?

[Awkward Silence as they both look at each other.]

Fujin: Why do I have the sudden compulsion to kick you in the leg?

Raijin: No idea. Um, please don’t?

Fujin: I guess it’ll pass. Anyway, do you think Quistis will be able to talk Seifer into it?

Raijin: I do know one thing. It’ll be fun to watch her try.

Fujin: Definitely.

[Exit Fujin and Raijin, in Quistis’ direction.]

[FADE OUT.]

SCENE 30: Plot Compression, Continued

[Nida and Xu are sitting in the library, no longer studying. Their hands are on top of the table, touching each other, and not accidentally.]

Nida [blushing and whispering]: So, um, would you...

Xu: ...uh...

Nida: Like, you know, us. At the...you know.

Xu: Yeah.

Nida: Like, together, and, you know.

Xu: I’d lov— [pauses, blushing] yeah. Please.

Nida: Thank you.

Xu: You’re welcome.

[They laugh nervously. Awwww. MEANWHILE...]

[Over in the Quad, Ellone finally gets off of Irvine, who sits up, looking rather disheveled; his hair is mussed, his cheeks are flushed, and his tie is undone. He looks wide-eyed at the surprisingly frisky Queen of Perfect Attendance grinning voraciously to his immediate right.]

Ellone: So, we’re going to Garden Festival together now, right?

[Irvine, still shocked (but pleasantly so) nods his head.]

Irvine: [Muttering semi-coherently] Yes. [Pause] Um, would you mind, um, doing that again?

Ellone: I was hoping you’d ask that...

[Ellone leaps onto Irvine and begins making out with him passionately again. MEANWHILE...]

[In detention hall. Zell and Rinoa are holding hands, while Zone and Watts as they argue over ideological concerns.]

Zell: So what’s going to happen to your revolution now?

Rinoa: It’ll probably fizzle out as I grow up, and gradually abandon all my political principles for the sake of having a little fun. Just as well, I suppose. I mean, do you really think THEY could overthrow a state?

Zell: I guess not.

Rinoa: Probably, my best hope is to infiltrate the system and try to subvert it from within.

Zell: You’ve already got one. [Smiles].

Rinoa: [Smiling Back] Yeah, just you wait. In two weeks I’ll even have you eating the hot dogs they serve here.

Zell: No way.

Rinoa: I guarantee I will. Or I’ll die in the attempt.

Zell: Don’t say that.

[A small dot of red light, like a laser pointer or laser sight on a sniper rifle, appears on the side of Rinoa’s head.]

Rinoa: Crap.

[The light shifts just before a shot rings out. It misses completely.]

[Zell tackles Rinoa to the ground and smothers her protectively.]

Zell: Stay down!

[But no more shots are fired. The only sound is of muffled voices and struggling.]

[Enter Laguna, holding a sniper rifle in one hand. The other hand is dragging a young girl, arms and legs bound, with her hair done in one long pigtail.]

Laguna: You two all right?

Rinoa: I think so.

Laguna: See, I was coming back from Headmaster Sid’s office, trying to find the exit, and I got lost. And I wandered in here, and I see some girl crouching behind the stack of books over there...

Rinoa: The Depository?

Laguna: Yeah. I found this girl over there, with this rifle. I figured she was up to no good, so I tackled her, disarmed her, and tied her up.

Pigtail: Zell, honey, I did it for you. I did it for us.

Zell: Oh geez, not you again.

Pigtail: How can you be like that? After all we’ve been through together?

Zell: You gave me one book. ONE! And it was something I already had a copy of. That’s not the basis for a relationship.

Pigtail: But I love you! I need you! I have to have you! I can’t let anybody come between us!

Zell: You’re psycho.

Rinoa: You tried to kill me!

Pigtail: You’re taking my man away! How could you do that to me? Seducing my poor little Zelly-Welly and filling his head with all your Bolshevist garbage! I couldn’t just let that happen, I love you Zell!

Zell: Get help. Now. Seriously.

Pigtail: She doesn’t love you the way I love you, Zell!

Rinoa: I sure don’t, lucky for him.

Zell: I can do without your creepy fatal attraction stuff.

Pigtail: Come on Zell, give me another chance, please? Come on, it’ll be just like the old times, I swear.

Zell: We don’t have any old times. I’ve been in the library three times in the four years I’ve been going here, and I’ve only checked out one book.

Pigtail: Yes! Our book! Didn’t you see all the special notes and drawings I put in it for you?

Zell: Why do you think I returned it so quickly?

Rinoa: You are one screwed up little fanatic, girl.

Pigtail: You shut up! I’ll kill you!

[Pigtail lunges at Rinoa, trying to bite her in the neck, vampire style. She doesn’t get very far, as Laguna grabs Pigtail and hoists her over his shoulders.]

Laguna: So, um, should I take her to the Headmaster, or the School Nurse?

Rinoa: Just keep her the hell away from me, beyond that I don’t care.

Zell: School Nurse. Only because we don’t have a psychiatrist on duty.

Laguna: I’ll do that then. By the way, either of you seen my son around?

Zell: Your son?

Laguna: Squall. You seen him?

Rinoa: No. Sorry.

Laguna: Thanks anyway.

[Exit Laguna and Pigtail.]

Rinoa: I feel safer now.

[They kiss. Awww. MEANWHILE...]

[Headmaster Sid and Head Matron Edea (dispossessed) are in their office.]

Sid: I’m so glad you’re back to normal.

Edea: That makes th...two of us.

Sid: I’m really in a good mood. I think I’m going to call an assembly and address the student body. Wish me luck.

[He moves in to hug Edea, who pulls back.]

Edea: Oh no. Not until you change out of those pants.

Sid: [Looks down, embarrassed] Oh, yeah. Thanks dear.

Edea: Somebody has to do the thinking for us, after all.

[MEANWHILE...just inside the gates of Balamb Garden]

Squall: Yo.

Selphie: Hi.

Squall: So, it’s like dis. Dis started out as this bet thang I had goin’ on wit’ Quistis and all dat.

Selphie: I’m aware of that.

Squall: Yeah, I just want to be totally real, yo. So I ain’t trippin’ about how you wasn’t diggin’ my flo at first, because I wasn’t bein’ true. But, like, it ain’t like dat now. You feel me? I ain’t never met nobody like you, and that’s the real dope right there.

Selphie: ...Yeah. It’s just that it’s still so hard to believe. To be honest, I really didn’t think much of you at first, either. I assumed you were pretty much like everybody else. Just another person trying to play games with me. So I figured you and Seifer would eventually just go away if I kept shutting you out long enough. Just like everybody else eventually does.

Squall: Dis ain’t no game, girl.

Selphie: Yeah. I realize that now.

[They embrace, and share a quick kiss. Awwww. MEANWHILE...]

[Outside Seifer’s dorm room. Fujin and Raijin have broken into the room of some unassuming student across the hall and watch on as Quistis approaches and knocks on Seifer’s door.]

Raijin: [ASIDE TO FUJIN] This is gonna be so cool.

Fujin: [ASIDE TO RAIJIN] Shhh!

Quistis: Oh, my, gawd, I cannot believe I’m doing this. [Knocks on Seifer’s door.] Seifer!

[The door opens. Enter Seifer.]

Seifer: Hello, Quistis.

Quistis: Seifer, like, can I ask you something?

Seifer: Certainly.

Quistis: Why did you turn me down? Like, be honest, and stuff.

Seifer: You don’t seem to be my type. And, to be honest, I don’t think I’m yours.

Quistis: So, like, what’s wrong with me that you don’t want to go with me?

Seifer: Just because I’m not interested in you doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.

Quistis: But do you know what people are like going to be saying about me if I go alone?

Seifer: I think you’re too concerned about what other people think of you. You know, once we get out of Garden, once we graduate, nothing any of us said here, or did here, is really going to matter. Who cares if some person, or even some people, you’ll never see again for the last 60 years of your life were critical of you or looked down on you for any reason?

[Pause.]

Seifer: People will say and think all sorts of unflattering things about me when I don’t go.

Quistis: They already do.

Seifer: Well, yes. But you see, that’s my point. It doesn’t bother me. I know they don’t define who I am. I define who I am. You define who you are; at least, you could if you want to. Instead of letting others define you.

Quistis: So, like, what does any of this have to do with why you don’t want to go with me?

Seifer: You only want to go with me because you want to go, period, and you think that somehow you are less valid a person if you don’t go with somebody. It’s not me because I’m me, it’s me because I’m available. And, ultimately, it’s because you’re worried about you and how you will look in the eyes of others.

Quistis: Oh. But, like, if people saw you with me, maybe...

Seifer: Maybe they would think more of me. But so what? It doesn’t matter to me what they think of me. And it shouldn’t matter to you.

Quistis: ...

Seifer: Besides, I really had my heart set on Selphie, and, well, that didn’t quite work.

Quistis: I suppose that’s my fault, ultimately. I’m, like, the one who dared Squall to pursue her. Sorry.

[Pause.]

Quistis: The thing is, the reason I did it was because I figured he’d fail. And, like, when he lost, the deal was I’d get to redesign his look, and stuff. But I really wasn’t going to. It was just going to, like, be a cover, to get to spend more time with him. I suppose I, like, deserve this.

[Pause.]

Quistis: You’re not saying anything. I guess you’re, like, pretty mad at me.

Seifer: Well, maybe a little. But I can forgive you.

Quistis: Really? Why? I mean, I really, like, sort of screwed you over.

Seifer: Well, maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Besides, I don’t believe in holding grudges.

[Long, awkward silence. Quistis and Seifer take turns staring at the tips of their footwear, waiting for the other person to speak next. Quistis breaks the silence first.]

Quistis: Um, Seifer? Would you like to go to Garden Festival with me? Not as like a convenience date or a mercy date or a pity date, but as, like a real date? To, like, get to know each other better? Honestly? As friends?

Seifer: You mean it?

Quistis: Totally. I mean it.

Seifer: All right.

Quistis: I mean, like, I shouldn’t worry about what anyone else thinks of me, besides me, right?

Seifer: Right.

Quistis: So, like, if other people don’t like it, like, whatever?

Seifer: There you go.

Quistis: [laughs] Wow, I’m like, actually pretty excited about this.

Seifer: You know what? So am I.

[They clasp hands. Awww. Fade Out.]

SCENE 31: Garden Festival? Booyaka!

[Garden Festival. The Quad has been converted into a dance hall, with a tacky disco ball hanging in the center of the ceiling. The theme for the decorations is “Sorceresses and Knights” naturally. There’s a pair of elaborate ice sculptures; one of a man with a sword raised defensively, the other of a woman in the middle of a magical incantation, guarding the punch bowl. Iconography of gunblades and fire-crosses and lion’s heads and angel’s wings line the walls. There’s even a mural depicting a curious figure; with the head of a lion, the wings of an angel, gunblade gripped in one hand, whip in the other hand, black vine tattoo on the left cheek, red cross cut into his bare chest, wearing a yellow tunic, glasses, and a cowboy hat. It hangs over the entrance; the culmination of all the images.]

[At the opposite end, always willing to work odd jobs to scrape together a little extra cash, is Laguna, prepared to be chaperone and DJ.]

[Enter Edea and Sid, together. Enter Ellone and Irvine, together. Enter Nida and Xu, together. Enter Fujin and Raijin, together. Enter Zell and Rinoa, together. Enter Seifer and Quistis, together. Enter Squall and Selphie, together.]

Squall: Yo! My old man!

[Selphie frowns viciously at him.]

Squall: My bad. I mean, yo! My pop!

[Selphie smiles approvingly.]

Selphie: Good. I hate that game.

[Pause.]

Selphie: You are going to introduce me to him, right?

Squall: Yup yup. [Makes his way over to Laguna, with Selphie on his arm.] Yo, dad, check it!

Laguna: Hey Squall.

Squall: ‘Sup den? What you doin’ here?

Laguna: I’m DJ-ing.

[Squall casts a look of pleasant surprise.]

Squall: PHAT! [ASIDE, to Selphie] My dad’s got an even tighter flow then me, this party is gonna be OFF DA HOOK, yo!

Laguna: Who’s your friend?

Squall: Aw yeah, Dad, this be Selphie.

Laguna: DAY-AMM!

Squall: I know. She hella smart too, in addition to being hella fine. I thought you’d like her.

[Selphie, under all her pale makeup, blushes.]

Squall: [ASIDE, to Laguna] In fact, dad, I think she be really special. The one, even. Dat serious.

Laguna: [mocking laughter] Now now, Squall, what have I told you about getting serious?

Selphie: Hmm?

Squall: Um, nuthin’, whatever.

Selphie: No! Come on, I want to hear this.

Laguna: Only get serious when you’re too old to have fun anymore. A point I have still not yet reached. [Scratches on the turntable.]

Squall: C’mon Selph, be best be lettin’ my dad DJ.

[They pull away from Laguna.]

Ellone: [Cooing] Hey Irvine...

Irvine: What?

Ellone: Look over there. [She points out the bathrooms.]

Irvine: What? The bathrooms? What about ‘em?

Ellone: Nobody’s in there now, you know...

Irvine: So?

Ellone: So... [smiling coyly]

Irvine: Um, I don’t think that would be such a good idea.

Ellone: Sure it would!

Irvine: Someone might bust in on us!

Ellone: Hopefully!

[She drags Irvine off to the bathrooms.]

Irvine: No, really, I’m tired, I can’t take anymore, please, aaaaah!

[They duck into the women’s room. Irvine continues to protest briefly, but is quickly muffled.]

[Exit Ellone and Irvine.]

Zell: Look at that mural!

Rinoa: Very nice. That would make such a good recruitment poster, too. Just put a slogan underneath.

Zell: Yeah.

Rinoa: Do you know who painted it?

Nida: Um, uh, it was, um...

Xu: We did it, actually.

Zell: Cool. You guys did a good job.

Rinoa: The decorations, too?

Nida: No.

Xu: Um, that was somebody else.

Quistis: It was, like, this girl, or something. She like, got in school suspension for bringing a scoped assault rifle to school.

Zell: [Realizing who it is] Oh.

Quistis: She’s, like, totally psycho, and stuff. Spent all her time in detention, like, making all this stuff. Like, one day! She’s like sooo on a total sugar rush or something.

Seifer: I suppose it helps ease her mind, and distract her from her predicament.

Rinoa: Does she have her hair pulled into a pigtail?

Quistis: Yeah.

Zell: Hoo boy. Hold on, I need to check something.

Seifer: [ASIDE, to Quistis] There, see? Nobody thinks any less of you. No reason to feel humiliated.

[Zell goes over to the decorations on the wall, and examines them.]

Zell: [Reading] P.G. + Z.D. always and forever... I luv Zell 4ever... geez. This makes me very uncomfortable.

Rinoa: Why don’t you have a hot dog? The catering just brought a bunch. I’m telling you, they always relax me. Of course, it’s probably because they’re spiked with something addictive so that people will continue to spend their money on them, but, oh well.

Zell: No.

Rinoa: I dare you.

Zell: No.

Seifer: Chicken-Wuss.

[Everyone looks at him, shocked. Seifer just doesn’t say that sort of thing.]

Seifer: Sorry, um, I don’t know what came over me. It just felt natural, for some reason.

Rinoa: Yeah, it did, didn’t it?

Quistis: That is like sooo trippy.

Edea: [Coming over, with Sid on her arm] Yes, please do. And try the punch. I made it myself.

Sid: I, um, helped too, didn’t I?

Edea: No, you were busy changing your own adult diapers.

[Seifer, Zell, Quistis, Rinoa, Nida, Xu, Squall, Selphie, Fujin, and Raijin all laugh at Sid.]

Raijin: [holding a CD] Look what I’ve got.

Fujin: AWESOME.

Raijin: So, when the DJ turns his back, we’ll sneak this into his stack.

Fujin: [Laughs.]

[Fujin and Raijin inch their way stealthily over to Laguna.]

Squall: Yo! Turn da music up! I gots ta dance!

Selphie: I don’t believe it. This is, actually...I’m actually having a good time. Who knew?

Squall: Told ya! M.C. Griever equals a good time, gizzarunteeizzieed.

Selphie: What?

Squall: Oh, heh, sorry, guaranteed. My bad.

[Laguna begins playing something funky.]

Squall: Yo, let’s dance.

Selphie: [awkward] I don’t know any moves.

Squall: Just watch, girl!

[Squall begins to breakdance on the floor, by himself.]

[Everyone else looks on in awe.]

Squall: Easy!

Selphie: I can’t do that!

Squall: Just try!

[Selphie tries. And, surprisingly enough, is pretty good at it.]

[Everyone looks on in even more awe.]

Rinoa: We should try that, Zell.

Zell: Nah, I, um, tore my ACL in practice this past week.

Rinoa: Oh, come on.

Zell: I’d rather eat one of the hot dogs. Wait, um, I mean...

Rinoa: A-HA!

[Rinoa drags Zell over to the food table with, yes, hot dogs. She compels Zell to try one.]

Zell: Hmm. Actually, I guess this isn’t so bad.

Rinoa: See?

Squall: Damn, girl, you is a natural!

Selphie: [breathing heavily] Wow. That was, really fun. Thanks.

[They wander off.]

Seifer: They really seem to be getting along well.

Quistis: You seem to be, like, still jealous.

Seifer: Sorry, it’s just that...

Quistis: I know. You’d rather be here with her.

Seifer: I’m sorry, I shouldn’t.

Quistis: You don’t have to apologize. I, like, wanted to go with Squall. But, it’s like, he just like doesn’t even notice me. Never! It’s so...

Seifer and Quistis: [Simultaneously] Frustrating.

Seifer: Yes, but I shouldn’t, because, it doesn’t do anyone any good to dwell on the unattainable. Every day, I pray for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I think that’s the key. So Squall and Selphie don’t feel anything for us. It doesn’t do us any good to stand here and dwell on it when we could be having fun.

Quistis: That was, like, deep, and stuff.

Seifer: Well, I have a lot of time to think about these things.

Quistis: Do you think, like, I could learn to do that?

Seifer: Of course! I mean, it’s not easy, and I don’t always to manage it. But I have to try.

Quistis: You don’t worry about what other people think of you?

Seifer: You can’t. Otherwise you end up never doing anything for yourself.

Quistis: I never really thought of it that way. Wow, like, I just had, like, an epiphany. Like, if I had been so worried about what other people would think that I didn’t go with you to this thing, I’d be sitting at home being a total loser!

Seifer: That’s, um, one way of putting it.

[Re-enter Irvine, running, thus interrupting the conversation. His clothes are very disheveled, and are, like his face, adorned with several very obvious lipstick smudges.]

Irvine: [Desperate] HELP ME!

[Re-Enter Ellone.]

Ellone: There’s my Irvy-poo! [She grabs him by the arm and drags him off to the bathrooms. Again.]

Rinoa: Poor guy.

Raijin: Eh, I think he’s enjoying himself more than he lets on.

Fujin: Yeah.

Raijin: The chase is better than the catch, after all.

Fujin: Exactly.

[Laguna changes the music.]

Raijin: Here we go...

[This time, the music is something with a decidedly new-age vibe, like a John Tesh b-side or something. Fujin frowns at Raijin.]

Raijin: Uh...

Fujin: What...

Raijin: Um, I must’ve grabbed the wrong disk.

Fujin: Is...

Raijin: Um, this is, wow, I messed up.

Fujin: This...

Raijin: Sorry, Fu.

Fujin: Crap?

[She kicks him hard in the chin.]

Fujin: IDIOT.

[The music stops.]

Laguna: Oops, heh, sorry folks, wrong disk. I don’t know how the hell that got in there. Damn Columbia House membership.

[The whole room laughs knowingly. Except Squall.]

Selphie: Heh. That was pretty funny.

Squall: Whatever.

Selphie: Oh come on, your dad’s really entertaining.

Squall: ...Yeah, I guess.

Selphie: Oh, I get it! He’s upstaging you!

Squall: Can’t look cool in front of your dad. It be, a rule, and stuff. And I wants to be lookin’ fly tonight, because, um, well...

Selphie: [expectantly] Yes?

Squall: Ah, I suck at saying these things. Here.

[He pulls an obvious tiny black felt box out of his pocket and pops it open. A very nice ring is inside.]

Selphie: [gasps] Booyaka!

Quistis: So, like, you keep talking about how you’re looking forward to life after Garden. What are, like, your plans?

Seifer: I don’t know. Something big.

Quistis: Good luck.

Seifer: I don’t believe in luck. You make your own luck in this world. I don’t need good luck; save your wish for someone who needs it.

Quistis: Okay. [Smirking widely] Good luck, Seifer!

[She laughs loudly.]

Seifer: Grrr.

Quistis: Oh, come on, I’m like totally kidding! You’ll do wonderful, I’m sure.

[Re-Enter Irvine, this time not desperate at all. In fact, he’s positively strutting.]

Zell: What got into him?

Rinoa: Ellone, apparently. Hi, Irvine, you look like you’ve really loosened up.

[Irvine says nothing, but instead grabs Rinoa, dips her, and looks amorously into her eyes. He blows a kiss but doesn’t actually make contact. And moves on.]

Zell: Hey!

Irvine: This night has opened my eyes. No holding back now. [He throws his arm around Quistis.] Right, Quisty?

Seifer: Back off. [Very angry, and his hands balling up into fists.]

Irvine: Hey man, just being friendly.

Rinoa: [Wide-Eyed] Well, HE’S certainly changed.

Seifer: We all have, it seems.

Quistis: It’s strange, too, how natural it all feels.

Edea: Yes...

[Edea exits nervously, with Cid.]

Irvine: Hey, Matron, come on! Eh, I must make her feel all nervous and fluttery inside.

[Laguna begins playing “Eyes on Me”.]

Selphie: I love this song! Your dad Sir Laguna is sooo cool! Let’s dance.

Squall: I don’t really groove to this stuff.

Selphie: Come on! I’ll lead.

[Everybody begins to slow dance. The ice sculptures slowly begin to melt under the assault of artificial lighting and teenage hormones.]

[And everybody danced the night away.]

[Fade Out.]

SCENE 32: This Sucks

[Kiros and Ward-Head are sitting on the couch, watching the Garden Festival unfold on television.]

Ward-Head: Uh...this sure got stupid all of a sudden.

Kiros: Yeah.

Ward-Head: Everyone’s, like, doing all this wussy stuff.

Kiros: Yeah. It’s like, at first, there was all this good stuff, and then, everything sucked!

Ward-Head: Huh huh, huh huh, yeah.

Kiros: It’s like, they had that chick, with the gun, and she could’ve shot that other chick. That’d be cool. Heh heh. Heh heh.

Ward-Head: Huh huh, huh huh, guns are cool. Huh huh, huh huh.

Kiros: Heh heh, heh heh, yeah. Heh heh. Guns are cool. And fire. Fire! Heh heh, heh heh.

Ward-Head: She should’ve, like, shot all the wussy people, and then set them on fire. Huh huh, huh huh.

Kiros: Yeah! Heh heh, heh heh.

Ward-Head: Huh huh, and then, like, her boobs should’ve like, popped out of her shirt. Huh huh, huh huh, Then it would be, like, the coolest video ever.

Kiros: Heh heh, heh heh, yeah. Then they could’ve caught on fire. Fire! Fire! Fire! FIRE! Hehehehehehehehehe, FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!

Ward-Head: Uh, huh huh, settle down, Kiros.

Kiros: FIRE! FIRE!

[Ward-Head smacks Kiros upside the head with the remote control.]

Ward-Head: Cut it out, butt-munch.

Kiros: Damn it, bunghole, that hurt.

Ward-Head: Huh huh, huh huh, dumbass.

Kiros: That hurt as much as watching this video sucks.

Ward-Head: Huh huh, huh huh, this video really sucks.

Kiros: Yeah. Change it.

[Ward-Head presses a button, and changes the channel.]

[THE END.]

EPILOGUE

[The Garden Festival ballroom. The music has stopped. Laguna, Squall and Selphie, Seifer and Quistis, Zell and Rinoa, Irvine and Ellone, Fujin and Raijin, Nida and Xu, are all laying sprawled out on the floor, wide-eyed and motionless, still clutching their punch glasses. They are dead. Headmaster Sid is also laying on the floor, dead.]

[Only Edea remains standing, and she has a wicked, triumphant smile on her face.]

Edea: [multi-toned and evil] Fools! Did you really think you could get rid of us so easily? We simply lured you all into a false sense of security. Now, at last, our vengeance is complete. For we are Ultimecia, and time compression will be ours!

[Edea, clearly still possessed by at least one of the evil spirits, cackles malevolently. Evil has triumphed.]

[See? I told you it was a tragedy.]

[Edea begins to sing the Christina Aguilerra song “Dirrty” A Capella.]

[Exeunt Omnes.]

DVD VERSION [Recommended Retail Price $19.95 {U.S.}] BONUS FEATURE: Scene Title Quiz

Okay, most of the titles to most of the scenes are thinly veiled pop culture references, most of which are either song lyrics or titles. To test your knowledge of the trivial, I’ve come up with this little checklist/quiz type thingy. Test yourself. If you want to, that is.

Scene 1: commercial reference [name product advertised]
Scene 2: song title reference [name the artist]
Scene 3: song lyric reference [name artist and title of song]
Scene 4: movie reference [name full title of movie]
Scene 5: movie reference [name full title of movie]
Scene 6: song lyric reference [name artist; title optional, as even I’m not sure of the official title of this song]
Scene 7: song lyric reference [name title and artist]
Scene 8: song lyric reference [name title and artist]
Scene 9: song title reference [name artist. HINT: this is VERY obscure]
Scene 10: A direct reference to Final Fantasy 8; this one’s a FREEBIE.
Scene 11: This one isn’t a reference to anything; again, a FREEBIE.
Scene 12: Foreign language class reference [These phrases both translate to “Where is the Library?” in English; a cliché phrase that everybody seems to learn and is about the only thing anybody ever remembers from foreign language classes. For full credit, name both languages featured here. You’ll get half a point if you only name one.]
Scene 13: Not a reference to anything; just me being [allegedly] witty. FREEBIE.
Scene 14: Movie Title reference [name the film company that released this film]
Scene 15: Movie Title reference [name the title of this film. Name the star of the film for one point of extra credit.]
Scene 16: Not a reference to anything, I’m just being silly again. FREEBIE.
Scene 17: Television show reference [name title of TV show. HINT: It’s a British comedy series from the 80’s.]
Scene 18: Song lyric reference [name title and artist.]
Scene 19: Cancelled ABC sitcom reference [name the real title of this show.]
Scene 20: Just me being “original” again. FREEBIE.
Scene 21: song lyric reference [name title and artist.]
Scene 22: literature reference [name the real title of the book. You can pick up an extra credit point for naming the author.]
Scene 23: song lyric reference [name artist. I don’t know the official title, so I can’t demand it of you. 8-D]
Scene 24: movie reference [name the title of the film in question.]
Scene 25: This is a common cliché used all the time. FREEBIE.
Scene 26: song title reference [name artist. Get extra credit if you name both the original artist AND at least one artist who covered this song.]
Scene 27: Just me being “witty” and “original” again. FREEBIE.
Scene 28: Old TV show from before I was born reference [name title of show. Get extra credit for naming the star.]
Scene 29: Direct reference to Final Fantasy 8. FREEBIE
Scene 30: Direct reference to Scene 29. FREEBIE
Scene 31: Two direct references to Final Fantasy. FREEBIE
Scene 32: TV show reference [name title of show. HINT: if you read the scene, this is insultingly easy.]

Total Score Possible: 22, plus 4 possible extra credit points.

ANSWERS:
Scene 1: Budweiser, and the series of “wassup!” commercials that started out funny but quickly became irritating.
Scene 2: The Smiths.
Scene 3: “The End” by The Doors.
Scene 4: Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
Scene 5: Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back [a.k.a. episode 5, I guess.]
Scene 6: Frank Zappa. I think the title is “Valley Girl”
Scene 7: The Ramones “Sheena Is A Punk Rocker”
Scene 8: R.E.M. “Everybody Hurts”
Scene 9: The Pharcyde.
Scene 12: Spanish and German.
Scene 14: Disney
Scene 15: Dead Poet’s Society, starring Robin Williams.
Scene 17: The Black Adder [Starring Rowan Atkinson. He’s so funny. I love this show, and have all 4 seasons on DVD.]
Scene 18: The Beatles “Help”
Scene 19: Two Guys, A Girl, And A Pizza Place. I never watched this show, but I heard it was absolute crap.
Scene 21: Santana “Black Magic Woman”
Scene 22: The Grapes of Wrath, by John Steinbeck
Scene 23: The Jackson 5. I think the song’s “A B C 1 2 3” but, of course, I’m not sure.]
Scene 24: Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Scene 26: “Bizarre Love Triangle” was originally performed by New Order, and was covered in the mid 90’s by a group called Frente! (yes, the exclamation point was part of their name. Oh those wacky Australians...]
Scene 28: Hawaii 5-0, starring Jack Lord, whose character often uttered that phrase. It was like his catchphrase or something.
Scene 32: Beavis and Butt-head, of course.

SPECIAL DVD PLATINUM COLLECTOR’S EDITION [Recommended Retail Price of $29.95 {U.S.}] BONUS FEATURE: ADDITIONAL SCENES!!! BONUS FOOTAGE!!!

Scene 27 and-a-half: The Exorcist?

[[NOTE: This scene was so gritty and raw in its intensity and artistic profundity, and just so gut-wrenching and powerful, that it just couldn’t be included in the script proper for fear of overpowering the rest of the play with its sheer artistic intensity, integrity, and brilliance. But, for you, the dedicated fan [who was willing to part with a bunch of money for this Special DVD Platinum Collector’s version and thus build up my future child’s college fund], we have included it. Be careful, this is epic and intense stuff. You might want to sit down, and probably not eat anything soon before exposing yourself to this. Also, if you have a heart condition, you might want to take precautions to make sure somebody can rush you to the hospital or give you your pills in the case of your being just overwhelmed by the might of this powerful, deep, scene. But you deserve it. Because you spent a bunch of money on this.]]

[Headmaster Sid, with a large wet patch in the crotch of his pants, is standing nervously at his desk. Laguna is standing next to him.]

Sid: I think my wife has been possessed by evil spirits. I called you in here because I thought you might know how to perform an exorcism. Do you?

Laguna: Yeah.

Sid: Would you do it?

Laguna: Okay.

Sid: Thank you.

Laguna: You’re welcome.

[Fade Out.]

[[WOW! WHAT A SCENE! WHAT ACTING! WHAT DRAMA! WHAT GREAT WRITING! WASN’T THAT WORTH PLUNKING DOWN AN EXTRA 10 DOLLARS FOR THE PLATINUM VERSION OF THE DVD? WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO IT WASN’T? ANTICLIMAX? RIP-OFF? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?]]