Joker Loire Of The Turks Presents:
“Private I”
Day One:The Beginning Of The Case
Tape #1, Day 1, Case 1<
As luck had it, one night, Balamb Garden shook with with a scream that blasted everyone’s eardrums open. The scream remained unidentified, until the pack of wild heroes who were formerly known as Squall, Rinoa, Quistis and Zell heard the scream.
They identified it to be the scream of Selphie Tilmitt. A scream that rocked their eardrums as if they were drum kits of Limp Bizkit’s standart concert equipment!
“MY LUCKY SOCKS!!!” Selphie screamed.
Selphie’s door was kicked open and led inside a thing that looked like a huge pile of human beings, absorbed into oblivion into a systemical anomaly that crushed down THE SYSTEM!!!
“What?” Selphie managed to ask as the pile shook and humans emerged from it. What Selphie saw was even more shocking.
It was Rinoa without a bra and shoes, Squall with his pants down and his mid-riff furry jacket half-on, Zell without anything on top of his boxer shorts, and Quistis with the top of her dress zipped right off.
After a moment of confusion, everyone saw that Selphie didn’t have her socks on.
“What the hell was that scream!?” Zell asked.
“My lucky socks are-“Selphie started,
“Zell, zip this dress up!” Quistis yelled.
“Zip it up yourself!” Zell replied, casually.
“Rinoa, let me go!” Squall said, as he was trying to pull his pants back on.
“Oh come on, Squall! Don’t be suck a jerk!”
“I’m not- a jerk!?”
“MY SOCKS!”Selphie screamed
“THE ZIPPER, YOU MORON!”Quistis yelled,
“UP YOUR NOSE!” Zell shouted.
“A JERK!?” Squall shouted.
“SOCKS-“
“ZIPPER-“
“FUC-“
“A JERK!!?!?!?!”
“Have no fear.” Came a familiar voice from the door, “Kinneas is here.”
The awkward pile of piteous... I mean, humans, turned to the door to see Irvine Kinneas wearing his regular clothes, but with a pipe casually standing between his fingers.
Irvine inhaled the the pipe’s smoke with his cooooolmaaaaaan attitude on. He then looked at them.
“Detective Kinneas is here to help you, ladies and gentlemen. Now, what is the case?”
“A JERK!?”
“Jerk? Jerk as in a verb, or an adjective?” Irvine asked, curiously.
“I need some briefing, if you can, please.” Irvine said.
And that pulled the trigger.
“My socks have disappeared-“
“This dress needs to be zipped up-“
“Can’t reach out to grab my-“
“A jerk!?”
“You see, Squall and I were making out when-“
“I looked everywhere, I mean, they can’t-“
“Cause I look stupid the way this dress-“
“My pants! My pants! My kingdom for my pants!”
“A JERK!?”
“That girl walked straight in-“
“A JERK!?!?!?”
“Calm down.” Idio- I mean, Irvine told them, still keeping on his suave mask. He inhaled another cloud of smoke.
“Ms.Tilmitt, what has happened?” Irvine asked, while taking out a recorder.
“My lucky socks have disappeared!” Selphie shouted.
Irvine pressed on the red button labelled as “Nuclear Miss-“, I mean, “Record”.
“Day One, Tape One, Case One, Underwear One.” Irvine said.
“My lucky socks are gone! I think someone might’ve stolen them!” Selphie said.
“Any suspicions?”
“You know, Zell did tell me they looked nice on-“
“A JERK!?”Squall asked.
“I want.” Irvine said, “Everyone in this room but this ‘Zell’ person out.”
As Squall got his pants, Selphie got her regular socks, Quistis gathered her dress together, Rinoa didn’t get anything, Irvine pointed to the door with his pipe.
The pile of stupid beings that was- I mean, our heroes got out and the door slammed shut behind them.
“I can’t believe he just did that.” Squall exclaimed to Rinoa.
“Squall, I can’t believe many things,” Rinoa said, “And all of them are about you. Now get your pants and let’s go.”
They walked to their everyday lives.
Irvine inhaled a breath from his pipe as Zell with only his boxer shorts on, stood there. He then shot him a look of a falcon... No wait, there are no falcons in their world. Let’s name it a Cockatrice then.
“So, Mr.Zell.” Irvine said, “Where were you at the night of questioning?”
“We are in the night of questioning, genious!”
“I know.” Irvine said, shooting Zell that look again.
Irvine inhaled another breath.
“So do you seem to have strange interests such as Selphie’s lucky socks on your large, size 14 feet!?”
“The socks just looked cool, that’s just about i-“
“A-HA!!!” Irvine screamed, “I KNEW IT! YOU ARE THE THIEF!”
“Hold on, Sherlock.” Zell said, “I just liked the socks, that’s it! I wasn’t planning to put them on or anything sick, got that?”
“So you deny that you have been seen with one of Selphie’s thongs?”
“Hey, how can you know it?”
“A-HA!!!” Irvine screamed, “This was a trick question. I didn’t.”
“Oh, man!” Zell exclaimed as he sighed, thinking about what his reputation for being a rapper would become.
“Day One, Case One, Tape One, Thong One.” Irvine said to the recorder.
“My interrogation of Zell Dincht has been a tricky one. He might be an evil genious to plot the thieving of Selphie’s lucky socks. On a further footnote, he was seen with her thongs. He may be the main suspect.”
“Well, Mr.Zell.” Irvine said, “I will be seeing you, again.”
He then got out of the room, still inhaling his pipe. He left a really angry chicken-wuss, I mean, Zell behind.
But chicken-wusses, I mean, people like Zell wu- ZELL, was taking an oath for revenge after the thing with the thong got clear to the surface.
Tape#1:The Paradox Of Lost Socks
Day: 2, Case: 1, Irritated Enemies: 1
The morning came bitter for Selphie, who was still in the shock of her lost socks. She missed them. To see the cute lil chicobo glaring back at her eyes gave her joy. And now, someone had taken it away.
But thanks to that over-rated Sherlock Holm... Irvine, I mean, Selphie knew her lost socks would be found. And that justice would be served to those who had their lives for the blindness of the storms that went over us like SWARMING LIKE LOCUSTS! AAAAAA!
Phew, after the author has calmed down, Irvine got his pipe, his tape recorder and got to the breeze of Balamb Garden.
“Record. Day Two, Case One, Tape One, Pipe Two. I, as Irvine Kinneas, the great detective, am working on the lost socks of Selphie. Let’s name it. ‘The Paradox Of Lost Socks’. Nice.”
And as that idi-Irvine, agreed that was a good title, which was corny as hell, he shot out another Cockatrice look to the Balamb Garden.
The look screamed, “Who’s your daddy? Yeah, wait! Not Keanu Reeves! Me!”
Irvine got to the sun while sweating under his ridiculous trenchcoat’s furriness, he was searching for new victims. He spotted a group of Triple Triad groupies. They were also Trepies. So they were Trepe Groupies, according to Irvine’s understanding.
He went over to them and got out his little revolver.
“Hey you there! FREEZE!” he said as he lunged at them. The poor people were scared, naturally, and then, they jumped up screaming “Yikes!” and a pair of socks came down from one of the players’ hands.
“A-HA!!!” Irvine screamed with a triumphant smile, “I knew it! CAUGHT IN THE ACT!!!” He screamed while pointing the revolver at his head.
“I swear it-“the poor cadet began as Irvine pressed the barrel harder against his forehead,
“CONFESS IT!”
“What’s going on there!?” came Squall’s voice.
The lone wolf jumped into the scene with the agility of a lone wolf, the stupidity of a lone wolf, the everything of a lone wolf.
As Irvine let go of the cadet, he whispered, “Watch your back from now on, sucker.”
“Irvine, what’s going on here?” Squall asked.
“Day Two, Tape One, Failed Investigation Two.” Irvine said to his recorder. He then turned to Squall.
“Mr.Squall, can you tell me where you were at the night of questioning?” he asked.
“Not in Selphie’s room!”
“A-HA!!!” Irvine shouted, “So you knew where Selphie’s room was, didn’t you?”
“Look, Irvine, cut the crap or I-“
“Answer the question.”
“I got authority on you.” Squall said with a sadistical grin.
“Not anymore.” Irvine smiled.
“What?” Squall asked.
Irvine took out a piece of crumbled paper and shoved it into Squall’s eye(ouch!).
“What?” Squall read, “I, Headmaster Cid Kramer, Order Of Merlin, First Class, hereby, give Irvine Kinneas the right to interrogate every cadet or SeeD known to the Balamb Garden authorities, on his investigation of Selphie Tilmitt’s Lost Socks.”
“So, Mr.Squall.” Irvine said, inhaling yet another breath from his Hynedamnable pipe.
“Whatever.” Squall replied.
“Mr.Leonhart is giving me tricky answers as if I was asking rhetorical questions to him. This is strange indeed.”
Irvine inhaled a lazy sip out of his pipe (OVER WITH THE PIPE!!!).
“So Mr.Squall, do you have such claimings as Selphie’s lucky socks represented a sub-conscious object you might’ve had due to your traumatized childhood and the stupid imaginations your idiot brain might’ve had, ergo, leading to an escalating probability of disaster itself!?”
Squall’s mouth dropped open.
“No reply.” Irvine said to his lover, that is, his recorder clutched in his lover, I mean, hand.
“May-maybe.” Squall replied, with an irritated and confused look on his face.
“A-HA!!!” Irvine screamed, poking Squall in the eye with the pipe.
“A-HA what? I didn’t say anything. I was just saying I didn’t know where Selphie’s socks were.”
“But you said-“
“I only said maybe to all those things you said.”
“You didn’t say what I wanted you to say!” Irvine said with a disappointment in his voice.
“If I said what you wanted me to say, then I would’ve said what you wanted and expected me to say, and saying that would be like putting you to a-“
“Do me a favor, Mr.Squall. Don’t speak.” Irvine said, as he inhaled a breath of smoke.
“’Paradox Of The Lost Socks’ Day 2, Tape 1, Rhetorical Answer 1.” Irvine said to the recorder, and he added,
“My investigation with Mr.Leonhart went not as it was planned. I know he’s hiding something behind that sinister smile of his. I know his smile hides the socks of Selphie, which, with a little amount of doubt rests in his closet.”
“Mr.Leonhart, is it true that you’re a Lone Wolf?”
“Yes.” Squall said, taking a step back.
“And that you are a good commander?” Irvine said, taking a step forward.
“Yes...” Squall replied...
“And that you have access to every room in this Garden, any time of the day?”
“Yes.”
“A-HA!!!” Irvine almost screamed, pointing at him, “THERE IT IS! YOUR CONFESSION!”
“I just said I could go into any place!” Squall said.
“THAT MEANS YOU HAVE STOLEN HER SOCKS!!! YOU SICK WOLFIE!!!”
“OH, SHUT UP ALREADY!!!” Squall snapped, “I’m not-“
Irvine took out his revolver and pushed it to Squall’s forehead.
“Confess it!”
“Get out of here you moron!” Squall shouted, “And put that thing away before you actually shoot someone!”
Irvine slipped the gun back to it’s holster and then shot Squall a Cockatrice look.
“This isn’t over yet.” He said.
As Irvine went over to the cafeteria to hit on some girls, Squall was left behind.
With plans of revenge already forming in his mind.
‘Paradox Of The Lost Socks’
Tape#2, Case 1, Day 3, Irritated Enemies: 2
Friends To Accuse Left: 4.
It was night in Balamb Garden. Althought the title of the current chapter read ‘day’ it’s just another paradox. Cause in fact, when we’re having the summer here in the north, the poor people are having the winter in the south half of our global stupidity.
Irvine Kinneas, the bravest detective of all recorded stupidity, was walking across the corridors, violating the curfew, and searching for a subject to accuse.
“’Paradox Of The Lost Socks’ Day Three, Case 1, Girlies Conquered:-1. I always thought about this detective thing as Sherlock Holmes, Philip Marlowe, or Dick Tracy comics that Zell lent it to me last week. But have no fear! Detective Kinneas will solve this mystery of Selphie Tilmitt’s lost socks, eventhough there is no clues. It mustn’t be hard if a bunch of snappy-dressed comic heroes can make it! I, as a pixel-drenched game hero, can do it!”
As Irvine Kinneas walked on, he spotted a strange sound of something brushing against another thing, and someone mutterring a curse. He got out his revolver, fresh and new, like a fish that Irvine was idiot enough to eat raw!
He got close to the corner, as his shadow drew the face of a total idiot on the wall, he got his gun ready.
“GOTCHA!!!” Irvine screamed as he opened up his legs and pointed the gun at the pile of doubled human flesh.
A scream came out of the pile and a man, semi-naked in the half-on SeeD uniform, got up and started to run the other way. Irvine shot a bullet and hit the poor, unsuspecting cadet right on the back of his neck. As the cadet fell, Quistis’ high-heeled boots swung upwards and hit Irvine’s crotch real hard... He had been an idiot to stand like that.
As Irvine clutched the most vital one of his organs, he fell down. Quistis was busy trying to zip up her dress.
“’Paradox Of The Lost-nnng!- Socks’! Day –ouch!- Three, Need of Ice is crucial... And umm... It’s about 2:00. I think I’m losing blood, my pants are all wet! Hmm... Maybe I shouldn’t mess with it. Someone just attacked Quistis Trepe and I, -oowww- as the he-ouch!-hero of this fanfiction, saved her. I think ‘they’ know that she is-“
“GREAT HYNE IN HEAVEN, HELP!!!” Quistis screamed, as she saw the splattered brains of her lover. She had been making out with him right before Irvine clumsily jumped into the scene with his stupid revolver.
“She’s having a shock... She thinks the enemy is her boyfriend. They know that she knows that they know what she knows which is the location of Selphie’s Lost Socks! I must protect her, at all cost! Because she knows!”
Irvine didn’t see the little pea-shooter poking out from the corner. He had managed to get up when Quistis tripped him, and he fell down. An arrow shot right out of the pea-shooter, and missed Irvine. The arrow was stuck in the neck vein of an assassin, crouching stealthily on the back seat of the loveseat.
“I’m here to, ow, save you, Quistis!” Irvine said.
“I’M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU MORON!”
“Why? I just save your tight butt there!”
“SAVED!? YOU BLASTED ME OPEN!!!”
“HOW IS THAT!?” Irvine managed to crawl back on his feet, “I just saved that man from strangling you-“
“Strangling me!? He was my boyfriend, Hynedammit!” Quistis shouted.
“Recap, five minutes from the crucial need of ice, still on. Quistis stated that assassin was her boyfriend. She is shocked too much of the-“
“I’M NOT SHOCKED!!!”
“Gee, Quistis, chill! Anyways, if you’re not shocked, then-“ Irvine pulled himself together again and got his pipe back, “Ms.Quistis, where were you in the night of questioning?”
“I was here, of course, my usual meeting spot with my boyfriend.”
“And nowhere Selphie’s room?” Irvine asked.
“No.” Quistis replied, irritably.
“You sure?”
“Yes.” Quistis’ irritation was rising quickly.
“Absolutely sure?”
“ABSOLUTELY SURE WITHOUT ANY REASONABLE OR UNREASONABLE DOUBT THAT EVER EXISTED!!!”
“’Paradox Of Lost Socks’ Tape#2, Case 1, Failed Interrogation 3. Quistis says she’s innocent, but I, Irvine Kinneas have heard this too many times... She might be the major suspect, not Zell Dincht- ow! Need of Ice TRULY crucial.”
“Irvine Kinneas, you’ll be dead!” Quistis said as Irvine wandered off, limping and mutterring something under his breath that sounded like: ‘Damn, hate them sadistical sexist authors who can write such fanfics’, but it could’ve been, “Damn, hate them stupidal sexist faults that make me fight into kicks.”, no one could now.
“Damn!” Quistis exclaimed to herself. She was in a bad situation, her boyfriend dead, and that Irvine was the only one to blame.
“A-HA!!!” Irvine screamed at Xu and Nida, who had been standing on the corner of the corridor.
“Wh-what?” Xu jumped up as Nida hid something behind his back.
“What are you hiding behind your back?” Irvine asked to Nida.
“N-nothing.” Nida stuttered.
“I saw it, show me!” Irvine said, eagerly taking out his revolver.
Nida shot an apologetic look at Xu and shower Irvine...
...A pair of socks.
Irvine triumphantly got his recorder.
“’Paradox Of The Lost Socks’ Tape Something, Case One, Day Three, no scratch that, night three. Nida and Xu were found with socks in their hands! So they might be the lovers-in-crime! Selphie’s socks may have been liked by Xu, which may also have led Nida to steal them!”
“Now look, it’s her birthday,” Nida started to explain, clumsily, “And I couldn’t find what to give to her so I decided to make it... Socks cause these-“
“A-HA!!!” Irvine screamed, “YOU STOLE THEM! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!!!”
“Let me deal with it!” Xu said, rising her foot to give Irvine a nice kick on the face.
Irvine bent down. And an arrow coming from the pea-shooter got stuck in Xu’s vein, but Irvine had already hit the can.
“Xu!?” Nida asked, looking around and not seeing Xu’s dead body that had fallen into the fountain.
“She must’ve been so depressed...” Nida shrugged.
The figure in the shadows muttered a curse.
And now, Quistis would start making plans of her own.
“Paradox Of The Lost Socks”
Tape #3, Case 1, Day Four, Irritated Enemies:4 or 5, the exact number is yet to be determined.
Irvine Kinneas grabbed his recorder as he shot his stupid Cockatrice look to the Balamb Garden. New people to victimize- I mean, interrogate.
He got his recorder and inserted the third tape.
“’Paradox Of The Lost Socks’ Day Four, Case 1, Failed Interrogation:5, girlies conquered:-3, the situation isn’t too bright. Today, I will interrogate Rinoa Heartilly, the only remaining suspect if it’s not myself, which I’m not.”
He started to walk across the halls, where everyone was ducking cover as he stepped by. Nobody wanted to be shot dead or interrogated to wildly with a revolver pressed through their forehead! As Irvine passed through the cafeteria, a few students threw their bodies sideways onto the football jock’s desks, risking a nice beat-up by them.
But they all knew, an interrogation by the lunatic Kinneas would be worse than a few broken bones!
Irvine walked along, as chaos was around him. Everyone was flying every which way, a gremlin was beating up a chicobo over the head with a high-heel shoe, Squall was flirting with Quistis, Zell was screaming, Selphie was requesting a hot dog.
Because, we had no fear and Detective Kinneas was here!
Irvine approached to Rinoa, who was sitting there just like a slu- I mean, angel, and got out his dumbsti- I mean, recorder.
“Ms. Rinoa, you do have time for questions, don’t you?” Irvine asked.
“I actually don’t.” Rinoa replied, wisefully, cause she knew how much that idi-Irvine was an accuser.
“A-HA!!!” Irvine screamed, as Rinoa jumped up and actually fell off the chair, “If you’re denying to be questioned, then you must be the thief! I’m soooo-“
“-Stupid.” Rinoa replied, as she got back up and massaged her hurt head.
“You dare to mock the investigato-“ Irvine asked right before the chicobo zipped right past them! And the gremlin was on it’s tail!
“Let’s have a drink when this place has calmed down a little and you interrogate me, okay, Irvine!?” Rinoa asked as Zell went past them as he followed the gremlin and the chicobo.
“Sure.” Irvine said as he turned his back on the chaos. The gremlin had found Squall’s gunblade and was about to kill the Chicobo when Squall managed free himself of Selphie’s grip, cause she was trying to pick his eye out with a dull knife. Mature rating here, RUN FOR THE HILLS AND TAKE THE CHILDREN!
“’Paradox Of The Lost Socks’ Tape I don’t care which, Case 1, Day Four, Girlies Bout To Be Conquered:1. I think my lucks on this detectivity is rising enough to let me take someone to bed! Ha! Anyways, can’t let everything distract me, because I need to think! So Rinoa must know something!”
As he got out his pipe, a black gloved figure pointed the pea-shooter at Irvine from a corner. Irvine was trying to get his lighter as Jenna Jameson... I mean, Pamela Anderso- ZELL’S GIRLFRIEND, was moving in to the scene from a corner as well. Irvine dropped the lighter and bent down to get it as the arrow got out of the barrel of the pea-shooter.
Like The Matrix, the arrow traveled thru the air in slow-motion, and went by Irvine to meet the bazoom of... I mean, the neck of Jenna James- ZELL’S GIRLFRIEND FOR HYNE’S SAKE!!!
The arrow threw her off to the fountain and Irvine rose up again, clueless as if he was The Man Who Knew Too Little. The water splashing made him look up and say “Hmm, it’s gonna rain.”
After an hour cleaning his di- I mean, his pipe, Irvine turned his steps to the Cafeteria. He saw Squall there, with black gloves and a little pipe that looked just like the pea-shooter. Squall saluted Irvine with a SeeD salute, and hid the pipe bomb he had for him later behind his back.
Irvine found the cafeteria clean and neat, and lots of people were eating and drinking here and there. Rumours about the gremlin is none of our business. Irvine saw Rinoa sitting right next to a coloumn. He went over there and sat right across her, inhaling the smoke so cooly that you would die of all the suave image he had on him.
“’Pradox Of The Lost Socks’ Tape #4, Case 1, Day Four, Interrogation: 5. Rinoa Heartilly’s interrogation.”
Rinoa ordered two glassess of non-alcoholic cocktail, because alcoholic cocktail would be harmful to the little children reading this fic- I mean, drinking it.
“So, Ms. Rinoa,” Irvine said, as he inhaled the smoke of the pipe so lazily and COOLly again, “Where were you when the events took place?”
“I was with Squall.”
“Squall Leonhart?”
“Yes.”
“A-HA!!! Lovers-in-crime, like Nida and Xu, huh!?” Irvine lunged into the sentence.
“No!” Rinoa said, “Their situation was far better than ours! Nobody walked into their scene when they were making out!”
“MAKING OUT WITH SQUALL LEONHART!?!?!?!?!” Irvine screamed as the whole Cafeteria fell more silent than a graveyard.
“Irvine, shut up!”
“I KNEW IT! YOU TWO WERE LIKE A COUPLE OF SWANS ON THIS LAKE PARTYING OVER THE LOST SOCKS! I KNEW IT! YOU HAD ABOUT TEN PEOPLE IN THE ROOM! IT WAS A PARTY! IT WAS A PARTY, I KNEW IT! HA-HA! YOU’LL BE CAUGHT!!!”
He got his recorder, and said, “’Paradox Of The Lost Socks’ Tape #4, Case 1, Day Four, Interrogation don’t care which. Rinoa Heartilly just got herselt in the main suspects list. She knows something. A-HA!!! I KNOW IT! SHE KNOWS SQUALL HAS STOLEN THEM! IT MAKES SENSE! I’M A GENIOUS!!!”
As he was saying this, a black gloved hand dropped a huge amount of posion to Irvine’s cocktail glass. Irvine didn’t see it because he was too busy fishing out a piece of sugar to add to that over-ratedly caffeined cocktail... Rinoa didn’t notice anything because of the little itch on her left leg.
“So, Rinoa, you really don’t know anything?”
“I only know Selphie liked those socks too much-“
“A-HA!!!” Irvine said, “So you KNEW it would harm her!”
“Irvine, calm down.” Rinoa said, muttering to herself ‘this guy is reading too much comics’.
“Okay, so what do you know about those socks, beauty?”
“I only know Selphie liked them a lot.”
“That’s it!?” Irvine said, a little disappointed. I don’t know what he was expecting, anyway!
“Sure.” Rinoa said.
“To hell with the title of this case! I’m tired. Nobody has the answer!? Who stole those socks!? Who could!? After all, I must accomplish this mission, cause I can’t let Cid down! He gave me the job after all.”
And at that point, Nida, who was passing by saw Irvine’s cocktail and decided to avenge on his ruined present-giving to Xu. He said, “Irvine, got your cocktail!!!” and he gulped the whole thing down.
As Irvine bid Rinoa goodbye, and got his pipe and left, Nida was going down, choking. As he was dying, the figure with the black gloves let out another curse.
Rinoa was cursing Irvine for making everyone so convinced she was worse than Jenna Jameson!
“Paradox Of The Lost Socks”
Tape #568923246, Case 1, Day Five, Irritated Enemies:Escalating, Girlies Conquered:-45665658136, Failed Interrogations: Infinite
Irvine Kinneas was roaming his room. On the billboard, were the clues he found about the lost socks. After doing a C.S.I., and that is Crime Scene Investigation you ignorant lot, he had found no sign of the lost socks but the chalk outline of Selphie’s regular socks, the little furball she had, and the thong Zell took from her.
Irvine looked up to the sky as if he was asking help from Hyne, who was too busy laughing at him.
“How can I solve this case!?” Irvine asked to himself, as he played the records he had of the “possible suspects.”
“My interrogation of Zell Dincht has been a tricky one. He might be an evil genious to plot the thieving of Selphie’s lucky socks. On a further footnote, he was seen with her thongs. He may be the main suspect.
My investigation with Mr.Leonhart went not as it was planned. I know he’s hiding something behind that sinister smile of his. I know his smile hides the socks of Selphie, which, with a little amount of doubt rests in his closet.
Quistis says she’s innocent, but I, Irvine Kinneas have heard this too many times... She might be the major suspect, not Zell Dincht- ow! Need of Ice TRULY crucial!
Yeah... Hey Mr.Hat, you’re great... What’s that cutie? Selphie? At my door with the- OH MY GOD!!! I gotta hide these Playboy and Hustlers! SELPHIE WAIT! My pants! Can’t get my-NO!! DON’T COME IN!!!
’Paradox Of The Lost Socks’ Tape Something, Case One, Day Three, no scratch that, night three. Nida and Xu were found with socks in their hands! So they might be the lovers-in-crime! Selphie’s socks may have been liked by Xu, which may also have led Nida to steal them!
’Paradox Of The Lost Socks’ Day Four, Case 1, Failed Interrogation:5, girlies conquered:-3, the situation isn’t too bright. Today, I will interrogate Rinoa Heartilly, the only remaining suspect if it’s not myself, which I’m not.
’Paradox Of The Lost Socks’ Tape #4, Case 1, Day Four, Interrogation don’t care which. Rinoa Heartilly just got herself in the main suspects list. She knows something. A-HA!!! I KNOW IT! SHE KNOWS SQUALL HAS STOLEN THEM! IT MAKES SENSE! I’M A GENIOUS!!!
SELPHIE, DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
“How can I solve this!?” Irvine asked again, as if someone was answering it anyway, “Everyone’s the main suspect! I didn’t do it! And Selphie couldn’tve stolen her own socks, it’s hers anyway!”
He roamed his small room in search for answers. It was also about time this idiot realised he couldn’t get anywhere by accusing everyone.
“I wonder if Selphie could... Did she have her lucky socks on insurance? Insuranced socks? So she might’ve stolen them, to get the money! Yess! I must check her out!”
As Irvine got his furry trenchcoat and headed to the door, his phone rang. He went back over to the phone and picked it up.
“Detective Kinneas.”
“Irvine? It’s me, Cid. You are suspended from this case.”
Irvine couldn’t believe this cliché was happenning to him!
“Thank you, sir!”
“You mad?”
“No sir! Don’t you know, a detective can only solve a clueless case when he is suspended! Thank you! Thank you!”
“Kinneas, I’m sick of the chaos you brought into my Garden! You’re suspended, that’s it! I don’t want to see your face in this case again!”
“Thank you so much, sir!” he hung up and ran at the door and got out.
When he shut the door, a bomb exploded inside the room and turned the room into my closet. Irvine didn’t even notice it. He took his pipe and stroke a victory pose to the cameras, hey wait a second, which cameras!?
As Irvine started to make his way to Selphie’s dorm, to the crime scene, he knew this case would be solved. He wanted to be a detective ever since Zell had lended him his Dick Tracy comics and movies of Sherlock Holmes. He knew he had to be suspended from the case first, and then return to the crime scene in order to solve a clueless case where everyone was the main subject, including Detective Kinneas.
As Irvine went past three female cadets who were having a conversation, by pure luck, he came across these words: “Damn. This sucks!”
“A-HA!!!” Irvine screamed, taking out his revolver and grabbing the girl by the arm. He pushed the barrel to her forehead. But he didn’t realise the machine gun being poked out of the corner by the person with the black gloves.
“What do you know about socks!?” Irvine asked.
“Nothing! I said this sucks, like this is terrible!”
“A-HA!!! You knew I was going to keep you, didn’t you!? Yes you did!”
“I so totally didn’t! Let me go you jock!”
Irvine let her go and put his revolver back, revealing his shiny toy badge. He then inhaled another cloud of smoke. He was going to Selphie’s room as the machine gun went off. He slipped and fell on his face, and the machine gun shot all of the three girls dead.
Detective Kinneas picked up his pipe and went on, unaware of the murders.
“’Paradox Of The Lost Socks’ Tape 7, Case Still 1, Everything else vary too much. I’m on my way back to the crime scene. I have just been suspended, and that means I can solve this mystery by myself. Yes, it means I can solve it. I’m returning to the crime scene now. And then, I will call the gathering, and find it all out!”
He knocked on Selphie’s door. She opened up the door with her regular clothes on, without shoes or socks, of course. Lucky us, Irvine isn’t a fetishist.
“Ms. Selphie...” Irvine said, stepping in while inhaling the smoke of the pipe, “I must question you about the case.”
“Sure.” Selphie said, shooting a strange look at Irvine.
“Where were you in the night of questioning?”
“I was here.” Selphie replied.
“A-HA!!!” Irvine let out, “SO YOU ADMIT IT! YOU HAVE STOLEN YOUR OWN SOCKS FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY!!!”
“Noo!” Selphie said, looking at Irvine like he was the lunatic he was, “I don’t know where they are, but they may be stolen!”
“You surely didn’t see or hear anything?”
“All I know is one moment they’re on the bed, the next, they’re gone!”
“A-HA!!!” Irvine said again. Then, he posed again. He inhaled another cloud of smoke and said, “Okay Ms. Tilmitt. I’m calling a gathering tonight in here, in the crime scene.”
As Irvine went out, Selphie thought he had totally gone mad over her catching him with his pants down with naughty magazines.
“Paradox Of The Lost Socks”
Tape #8, Case Still 1, Irritated Enemies: Maximum, Conquered Girlies:- Infinite, The Evidence That Makes Sense: None, Detective’s Status: Suspended.
Everyone was eager. Squall was sitting next to Rinoa on Selphie’s bed, and Zell was sitting on a chair. Selphie was sitting next to Rinoa and Squall. Quistis was leaning on the wall as Irvine was in the middle of them, walking around and inhaling the thick smoke of his pipe.
He stood there and posed to Quistis and Rinoa one by one.
“I’m sure you’re curious why I called you here.” Irvine said, with his suave accent.
“We are.” Zell said, carelessly.
“It’s because, in order to solve this case, I had to get suspended and then, I had to return to the crime scene. Then, I had to gather you together to tell you who did it.”
“Hey, that’s straight Dick Tracy!” Zell said.
“No.” Irvine said, inhaling another cloud of smoke, “That’s straight Irvine Kinneas.”
He looked at them, and said.
“I know who has stolen those socks.” He said. Then, he suddenly turned to Zell and pointed at him, making him jump back, “HIM!!!”
“WHAT!?” Zell asked, alongside with others.
“YES!” Irvine said, “Zell was seen with Selphie’s thongs, and I know he had a thing for her socks! He has stolen them for the mere sight of the socks!”
“Hold on, Tracy.” Quistis said, “What other evidence do you have?”
“But the thongs-“
“Thongs?” Rinoa asked, “What do you mean thongs? Selphie doesn’t have thongs!”
“How do you know that?” Squall asked to her.
“Long story.” Rinoa replied.
“Okay...” Irvine said, posing again. He knew he would solve this case tonight.
“THAT’S WHEN I NOTICED YOU!!!” He said, turning to Quistis, “And your secret sock collection! You collect socks from all around the world, and so you thought, why not Selphie’s lucky socks!”
“I don’t have a sock collection! That’s Quis Tis’s job, not mine. Our names are really alike, but we’re not the same person, moron!”
By the time, the black gloved hand was rapping against the wall in a nervous gesture.
“Hmm, okay.” Irvine said again. He gathered back his walking up and down pace. Then he stopped and turned his gaze at Squall and Rinoa. He inhaled a cloud of smoke from the pipe, and smiled.
“AND THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU COME IN TO THE SCENE!!!” Irvine said, pointing at them, his faith about solving this case being solved coming back.
“US?” Rinoa asked, “What about us?”
“Where were you when the event took place? On the very same night her socks were stolen!?” Irvine asked.
“At the cafeteria...” Rinoa said.
“What were you doing?” Irvine asked.
“Drinking soda...” Rinoa said.
“A-HA!!!” Irvine said, “AND YOU STOPPED BY THE CAFETERIA, THE PLACE SO NEAR SELPHIE’S DORMS TO DRINK SODA!?”
“RINOA! I CAN’T LIVE WITH THIS SECRET ANYMORE!” Squall exploded.
This sentence caught everyone off-guard, even Irvine was surprised. His way to clear out who had stolen Selphie’s lucky socks was to accuse everyone until he found out who had done it.
It wasn’t as if he had actually expected someone to confess it.
“What?” Rinoa asked,
“I can’t live with this horrible crime!” Squall said, hysterically, “I can’t! I’m going to confess it! I’m so sorry!”
“NO! DON’T!” Rinoa said,
“A-HA!!!” Irvine screamed in victory.
“The soda was orange-flavored!” Squall confessed.
Irvine froze in mid-gesture, as his revolver was pointing at Squall.
“What does that have to do with our case of Selphie’s lost lucky socks!?”
“You wanted proof, here it is! Orange flavour is the sign of some evil plan in progress! Freud! Read a fucking book!”Zell stated.
“A-HA!!!” Irvine exclaimed, knowing, that he had, accidently figured it all out, “So Squall has stolen them!”
“WHAT!?” Selphie asked, reaching into the bed matress.
“I didn’t say that.” Squall said, “I only said the soda was orange-flavored.”
“Hey guys, wait a sec!” Selphie said, but nobody heard her.
“ORANGE!?”Quistis asked,
“NO CRIMINAL MASTERMIND DRINKS SODA!!!” Zell said, “THEY USUALLY DO DRUGS!”
“DRUGS!?” Irvine screamed, “WHAT DRUGS!?”
“Umm, the type you did as you carried on to the case, Kinneas.” Squall said, smiling.
“Eww, your smile is ugly.” Irvine said, as Selphie was almost flying up like Fred Durst did on Boiler’s video. But of course Fred Durst is far more charismatic than Selphie, no doubts!
“Man this sucks.” Zell exclaimed.
“A-HA!!!” Irvine turned to him, “ANOTHER PARTNER TO THE CRIME!!!”
“I don’t have any lucky socks...” Quistis said.
“A-HA!!!” Irvine said again, turning to her.
Damn. Irvine found himself confused. So many criminals that they had to steal the socks and dig more holes than an Afghan has to share the lucky socks.
“Wait a second, wait a second!” Irvine said, “If you all have stolen the lucky socks... Then Selphie! I GOT IT AT LAST!!!”
“Got what?” Squall asked.
“GUYS, LISTEN TO ME!!!” Selphie said, as she struggled with one of her hands in the mistress, I mean, matress.
“Everyone.” Irvine said, “I, Detective Kinneas, have solved this case. Selphie made a deal with Zell, Quistis, Squall and Irvine to make them steal the socks, so she could get the insurance money for the socks. And YOU, PILE OF TRECHEROUS MORTALS, WASTE OF OXYGEN, TIME-SPACE AND FLESH, YOU AGREED WITH HER TO GET THE INSURANCE MONEY!!!”
“HEEY!!!” Selphie screamed.
“I dunno what you’re-“
“Fuc-“
“You moron-“
“You motherfu-“
“Bas-“
“HEY!!!! ”Selphie screamed as everyone turned to her screaming
“WHAT!?”
“Guys, I’ve been trying to tell you in the last five minutes! I found my lucky socks!” she showed a pair of socks she had just taken out of the bed mistre-matress, I mean.
“HUH!?” They all let out.
“They weren’t stolen!” Selphie said, “It seems I just lost them!”
“Paradox Of The Lost Socks”
No tape, Case Solved!!!
“Hey wait a sec!” Zell said, “If Selphie lost them...”
“...Then nobody has stolen them.” Quistis completed.
“And if nobody has stolen them...” Rinoa said,
“...There was no crime.” Squall completed.
Everyone shot looks at each other.
“Then, we didn’t need a detective.” Quistis observed.
“And Selphie hadn’t got them stolen or anything.” Zell said.
“And since there was no thief, there was no crime.” Rinoa said.
“And if all of these things were true, no detective was necesarry, am I right?” Squall asked.
“YOU ARE!” all of them replied.
“Then we didn’t need Irvine pulling authority on us-“ Squall said,
“-Or interrogating us with boxers on-“ Zell said,
“-Or shoot our boyfriend dead-“ Quistis said,
“-Or make everyone think we’re a slut-“ Rinoa said,
“-Or even accuse me.” Selphie completed.
They all turned to Irvine.
“Guys... C’mon...” Irvine said, backing to the door as the black gloves disappeared, cause the person wearing them knew where Irvine would head.
“You wouldn’t get mad at me over such... Little thing, would ya?” Irvine asked, truly scared.
Squall stood there in front of his friends and pulled their leashes like a Dominatrix. He then pointed at Irvine as lightnings crashed inside the room and a darkened sky was shown as a background.
“GET HIM!!!” Squall screamed.
Irvine dropped his pipe and started to run as the sea of piteou- I mean, angry friends and now enemies followed him. The waves crashed like Eminem’s flows on top of Dr.Dre’s beats!
Irvine was running with all he had, and known then, Keannu Reeves was their daddy.
Irvine managed to run to the Parking Lot, as the pile of humanity was following him. He managed to get away from the angry crowd.
“HERE’S THE CAR!!! LET’S RUN OVER HIM!!!” Squall said, and jumped in as the others followed him and actually got stuck like a pack of sardines. Squall stomped on the gas pedal to follow the detective on the run.
As they went away, Headmaster Cid got out from the dark corner, and waved his black-gloved hands, screaming, “STOP!!!”.
Headmaster Cid had been sick to his stomach with Irvine and his stupidity. He had managed to have Squall hire an assassin to bust Irvine in that dark corner where Quistis and her boyfriend were making out. He was the one with the pea-shooter and the poison. He had got Squall make two pipe bombs for Irvine’s room and car.
He was the criminal genious. And here, the author had revealed it all in a few simple sentences.
“STOP!!!” he screamed to the car.
Irvine was running in slow motion.
And the car exploded.
Irvine jumped forward.
Just like those action movies, y’know.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!”Cid exclaimed as he pulled his remaining hair out.
Irvine stopped and looked back to the car.
“Hm.” He said, “Maybe someone is behind the bomb in this car? Another case!
Irvine posed against the sunset as wind whipped his trenchcoat. He inhaled a cloud of smoke and let it out, took his revolver in hand for a victorious pose.
“This is a job for Detective Kinneas!!!”
DA END
*Author’s Note: Here you go, my first take on humorous fanfictions. Any e-mail comments are welcomed, and please write “RPGCLASSICS AUTHOR! I read your work” to the subject so I can know you’re sending comments... Like that ever happens. But I have sent my comments to The Angel Of The Lion and the authors kinda like when they recieve comments. Anyways, hope you liked it.