Assassins Please Enter Stage Left.
“How many times have I told you to take protection when you go to Known Space?” Kirsten sighed.
“I didn’t think you meant that kind off protecthion…”
Kirsten turned away from her unfortunate partner-turned-Pak, and continued to throw rubber bands at the empty cup of coffee.
“Tho what am I thupposed to do?” Tyler asked. “It’th hard thpeaking through a beak.”
Kirsten shrugged. “Go thee- excuse me, see Medical.”
The large knobbly creature wandered from the room, ducking under the doorframe and muttering to himself. Kirsten ignored the lisped mutters, and continued to flick rubber bands at the coffee cup..
I knew I should have asked for reassignment to the Sailor Moon division. At least there they get some assignments. Any assignments. No-one writes Niven fanfics anymore…
The phone rang, and she picked it up lethargically. “What?” she shouted.
“I’m lotht.”
Kirsten sighed. “Look, just wander around aimlessly. You’ll forget you’re lost soon enough, and then you won’t be.” She slammed the phone down. According to the Laws of Comedy, a tumbleweed rolled into the lab, circled it a few times, and rolled back out again.
She leant back and tried to get the chair to swallow her, to no avail. She closed her eyes, and tried to sleep off the effects of the damned morphic root vegetable’s aroma. I hate the Ringworld…
[BEEP!]
She snapped to her feet, forgetting that she was in a chair, and fell onto her ass as it rolled aaway from her. She stood and looked over the monitor quickly. She frowned. That can’t be right… One hand went over to the phone, and automatically dialled a number.
“What?” a voice snapped down it.
“We got a multiple Mary Sue and Bad Crossover warning.”
“So?”
“We’re Niven, not FFVIII.”
“You always whined you didn’t get any jobs. Here’s your day.”
“Who are you anyway?”
“I’m the voice that gives you jobs. Think of this as your big chance to get reassigned to another continuum.”
“Who wath that?”
Kirsten didn’t even turn. “Don’t tell me they didn’t fix you.”
“…”
“Well?”
“You thaid…”
She turned. “They didn’t fix you. Damn.”
“What’th the warning?”
Kirsten pointed at the screen. “Don’t question it. We get reassigned.”
Tyler looked over the screen. “Final Fantathy Eight, many Mary-Su- Jethuth Chritht. They’re in relationthips with everyone… Do we get thupport?”
“A damn good question, and one I’m gonna ask the Official.” She turned, and slammed open the door to the corridor outside the Response Centre. By another damn laws, it proceeded to slam right back in her face, but she was ready, and stopped it with her foot. She surveyed the corridors.
“I hate thethe damn corridorths…” Tyler sighed. “Tolkien get’th portalth, but we get extra Matrikth Reloaded sets.”
“Shut up while I find the damn key…” Kirsten said.
You can’t come in here uninvited, the Sunflower Official said.
“We were though,” Kirsten replied.
“Yep, thith guy outthide thaid we were alwayths welcome here if we wouldn’t hit him anymore...” Tyler/Psspthok said.
Silence, you overgrown sack of marbles. Why are you here?
Kirsten slid the piece of paper onto the desk in front of her. “This. Why have we got it?”
Understaffing. No-one writes fics for your continuum anymore, so you’re changing divisions.
“Then who’s going to look after Louis and Nessus and the rest?”
I doubt anyone reading this knows or cares who they are. Go and see Makes-Things, if Jay and Acacia haven’t terrified him yet. He should give you your new Field Packs.
“I thtill don’t thee why-“
Quiet you lisping copper monstrosity! the sunflower official… said.
Kirsten and Tyler found themselves outside the room. They turned, to see a total lack of door.
“I really hate that flower,” she whispered.
“Are we going to do thith then?” Tyler asked.
Kirsten snorted, as the two moved down the grey corridors. “Hell yes. I want to get outside more. I always wanted to visit B-Garden. We go, we kill, we come back…”
“Please leave me al- oh, its’ you two. Sorry,” Makes-Things said, picking himself up from under his desk.
“Who did you think it was?” Kirsten asked, walking into it.
“Jay and Acacia came back from a mission with Lightsabers. I don’t want to think about it,” Makes-Things said.
“Can we have our thtuff?” Tyler asked.
The man looked him up and down. “You should get creams for that,” he said.
“Har bloody har. Give uth the damned packth,” he said testily.
Makes-Things reached behind himself and handed over two backpacks. “And you get a portal this time,” he said.
“Yay! Finally! How come?” Kirsten asked cheerfully.
“That lunatic Jay broke hers, I fixed it, and she got another one. It’s a spare.”
“Well, at leatht there’s no chanth of running into Agent Thmith in the Corridor thith time,” Tyler said.
“You’re welcome, now please leave before they come back.” Makes-Things looked around fearfully, and duly deposited himself back behind his desk.
“It’th off to Balamb we go!” Tyler said cheerfully, as the big portal open in front of them like… er… a big portal…
Kirsten made sure her Analysis was secured. “What are we going as?” she asked.
“Weaponth!” Tyler said gleefully.
“No! We got into enough trouble when you went as a Thrintun that time!”
“But Power ith fun,” Tyler complained.
“Students,” Kirsten said.
Tyler nodded sadly. “Thtudents it ith. After you.”
Kirsten jumped through, disappearing into the black murky portal. Tyler bounded through next, and the two fell into the world.
Squall crossed his arms and looked away, hearing anger in her words. Carole had arrived in Garden a week ago and ended up in his class. He didn’t know her or if she had a family and where she was living and didn’t want to know. The first day after the class, she asked him to lead her to the cafeteria with a shy smile. He had frowned and said he didn’t have the time.
“I told you I had something to do,” he explained.
“What? Training or date Rinoa?”
The sound of that name was painful to Squall’s ears.
“That’s really none of your business! What do you want?”
Carole frowned.
“Thanks to Seifer who was more kind than you and gave me a tour of the place! If it wasn’t for him, I would still be wandering around for the whole week and would have end up eaten by a T-Rexaur in the Training Center!”
“Would have saved us a job,” Kirsten muttered, staring at the girl balefully from the end of the corridor. She looked at her device.
[Carole. Human Female. Non-canon. Mary-Sue.]
Tyler was staring at his hands. “Real skin! I never want to go to Known Space again!”
She hit him. “Pay attention. We need to find the others,” she said.
Tyler sighed. “No signs of obvious Sue-ness…” he muttered.
Kirsten unfocussed her eyes, reading the Words. “You obviously forgot to look at the summary. She’s taken her friends and family into FFVIII just for a chance to date the gang,” she said.
“I hate these Garden uniforms though…” he said, scratching his arms.
“Shut up. You have no reason to complain. My ass is getting cold. Who designed these things?”
“Cid?” Tyler suggested. The look in her eyes told him to Drop It. “Nevermind. There’s no-one else here, lets jump her when Squall vanishes…”
Kirsten examined the Words again. “No. Simply being here isn’t actually wrong. Anyway, this is post-canon. Lemme look… Got it."
They missed what the Sue said, but not the reaction.
Carole’s frown disappeared seeing Squall trembling and hearing low noises looking like sobs. She silently walked in front of him and bent to see his face. Then she became totally concern.
“Ouch spelling!” Kirsten hissed. “It’s a shame. She’s not actually that terrible…”
The Sue went on. “I’m sorry, Squall! I didn’t mean to…”
He raised a hand to make her silent and turned his back again, quickly wiping away his tears. Carole moved to his side and apologized again.
“It was mean, I’m really sorry… Guess I’ll go then…”
“Yeah, suck up to him while ya can, ya scummy fangirl…” Tyler said slowly. “Feed her to Omega? Throw her into the Fire Cavern? Lock her in the Missile Base?”
“Not. Yet,” she warned.
“Got your books?” Squall asked.
The Sue showed him the three she had under her arm.
“What do you say we go study at the cafeteria?” he proposed.
[Possible OOC. Not enough to prosecute.] the scanner displayed. Kirsten cursed. That was why she hated Sue hunting after the game/movie was over. The ‘people-can-change’ argument was a bitch to get around.
They followed the girl and Squall into the library, where she showed proper deference to the great SeeD, asking her help. The two Hunters could almost see her eyes going all wide and adorable-like.
“I could drop her from her, and then…”
“No! We need to find the other Sues!” Kirsten hissed.
“When do they get here?” Tyler complained.
She checked. “Not until chapter… six... They have a big long drawn out reunion scene. A few, actually. Hold on. I can’t take this…” She reached for the Temporal Thingy and pressed a few buttons. Space swam in front of them as they zipped forward several days, and they found themselves in the Garden Foyer, surrounded by students who couldn’t see them. And-
“A/N! Brace yourself!” Kirsten hissed, and ducked.
[for those who don’t remember, Quistis gave up her instructor job. She told Squall after the graduation party, in the secret area of the training center]
Kirsten put her head back up as the integrated Author’s Note passed. “She was fired you stupid Sue!” she whispered.
Tyler shook his head cleat. “Ignore it, there’s two of them.”
Kirsten was Reading again. “She called Timber ‘Tinber’. She; we will kill slowly and painfully…”
Tyler pointed, to where a group of normal-looking people were standing around. “Well, at least they’re not stunningly beautiful… Looks like they’re taking their field exam…”
The second female Sue was obviously excited. “I sure hope I’m in Gackt’s team!” she said all excited.
Kirsten tutted. “Punctuation dear, whatever where you thinking?” She pointed her Analyser at the second Sue.
[Miaka. Human Female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]
I just hope I’m with you,” Carole answered. “That would already be great!”
“Speech marks!” Tyler said. “And grammar! Nil points!”
“I say we get them on their exam. A few dead students. No-one will notice much.”
“There he is!” Miaka suddenly exclaimed. “Gackt, over here!”
[Gackt. Human Male. Non-canon. Marty-Stu.]
“We got another. How many left?” Tyler asked.
“Three left to classify. One is introduced in a few seconds…
The room swam again, and the two found themselves behind the train, in ‘Tinber’, facing Squall, Zell, and the three Sues. Rinoa faced them, accompanied by another. The analyser beeped.
[Adam. Human Male. Non-canon. Marty-Stu.]
“Rinoa’s boyfriend. How dare she,” Tyler whispered. He turned. "Him. Over there, next to Rinoa and the Stu."
[Dave. Human Male. Non-canon. Marty-Stu.]
“One left. We jump them on the mission. Who do you want?” Kirsten asked, smelling blood in the air.
“I’ll take the men. You can take the girls,” he whispered fiercely. He started to move forwards-
“Wait!” Kirsten said, and pulled him back. “There’s one left. She doesn’t come into the picture until after the mission!”
Tyler hit the ground with his fist. “Damnit! Temporal Thingy?” he asked tiredly.
“Temporal Thingy,” Kirsten agreed.
“Hate… her…” Tyler said through gritted teeth, as the final Sue walking into the room, accompanied by Zell.
“We could have gone on the actual mission with actual Squall! Instead we have to wait for the last damn Sue to show up!”
Kirsten had to hold him back from standing up and grabbing the aforementioned Sue. “Tonight!” she said. “We get them all tonight. Think bloody thoughts!” she encouraged.
He sat back down on the cafeteria chair with a thump.
Kirsten read backwards. “Don’t worry. You only missed the Sue Prime saving Squall’s life on the mission, which of course forms a bond for later romance,” she said.
The names were called for the SeeD graduates to receive their ‘diplomas’, and the two assassins made their exit.
The main Sue walked out a few minutes later. “I made it!!” Carole exclaimed. “I can’t believe they past me!”
“Add a lack of distinguishing words to the list of charges,” Kirsten said.
Another female Sue [Audrey.] ran out, to congratulate the Sue Primary and Secondary, both of whom had passed with flying colours.
At the cafeteria, the SeeD gang was celebrating with a pile of hot dos made especially for the graduated SeeDs.
“What in the hell are ‘dos’?” Tyler asked from the table across. “Sounds like shi-“
“Quiet. Almost time.”
A crash announced that the Sue had made her dramatic challenge to Squall, and she stormed out of the cafeteria.
“She’s right,” Squall whispered. “I’m selfish...”
“No, she’s just a Sue, ignore her,” Kirsten whispered. She Read ahead. “She gets in trouble, wounded and taken to the infirmary. I’ll take her then, and the others at night. You get the boys… Seven Sues!” she exclaimed. “Who uses seven?”
“Now?” he asked.
Kirsten nodded. “Just as long as it’s before chapter thirteen,” she said.
“What happens then?” he asked.
“The Sue bitch is attacked and goes temporarily deaf, and obviously she speaks loudly to compensate for this, and the author tries to simulate it, and therefore this AN pops up:"
Kirsten and Tyler kept their heads down as they read the Words from that far ahead.
[consider her words are messed up. Try to imagine how it would sound like. I heard someone deaf speak once and it’s weird!]
Tyler actually winced. “Kill her now,” he said, deadly calm.
“Definitely.”
When Carole opened her eyes, she was in bed. Her body was less painful than before. There was a band-aid on her chin and one on her cheek. Her arm was bandaged and her foot too. There was another bandage around her head.
She blinked several times but it was a little dark so she wasn’t sure where she was until she recalled what happened: the T-Rexaur, Squall... he must have brought her to the infirmary.
“How do you feel?”
She turned her head and saw-
“You’re not Squall,” the Sue exclaimed.
Kirsten smiled nastily. “No. I’m here to make you pay.”
“But Squall was supposed to…”
“He’s not due to come here for another few hours. According to you; before midnight.” She stood. “Carole, you are charged with being a Mary Sue, with seducing Squall, making him go horribly out of character, bring your actual relatives into the fic as well, and probably a lot of other stuff that we couldn’t get around to in the few minutes I have.”
“What are you talking abo-“
Her speech was cut short, as Kirsten picked up the woman’s Gunblade and slammed it into her throat. The Sue stared at her for a few seconds, then gargled through blood pathetically, and died. Kirsten felt a scream resound through the building, and frowned.
A few seconds later Tyler ran back into the room, covered head to toe in blood. “What the hell happened? I was halfway through the last one when they vanished!” he said.
“Halfway through?” she asked.
Tyler shrugged. “Ever tried slitting a throat with a dull knife? It’s hard. I wish I had laser-flashlight…” he muttered.
"The others must have been tied into the fic by this one. When one goes, the others follow."
"Damn. I hadn't got the last one entirely..."
Kirsten picked by the body of the Sue, and used her other hand to bring out the Temporal Thingy to open a portal. She unceremoniously threw the corpse through it. She heard a dull thud, and then the skittering of tiny feet, and then chewing noises.
Tyler raised one eyebrow.
Kirsten smiled. “Let the Galbadian sewer rats have some food,” she said.
Tyler shrugged. “S’fine with me. Can we go home now?” he asked.
Kirsten sighed and brought out the Temporal Thingy. Another portal formed, and the two went through.
Kirsten instantly ran over to the worktop and poured a very large cup of coffee. “Well, that wasn’t so bad. Not a bad writer, just a total fangirl…” she said. She turned. She stopped. She choked down a laugh.
“What?” Tyler asked, a funny feeling coming over him.
“Er… apparently the portal changes you back to just the shape you were when you went through it…” she said.
Tyler looked down at his body.
“Oh for the love of Chritht!” he shouted.
Support your favorite characters, read on and kill a Sue a day!