Parasite Steve
by Chris S. Horn with contributions from Jon Hellstrand and Davies Green
Based off of Parasite Eve a game by Square Soft, and Parasite Steve, a very, very short story by Davies Green.
1.
It was a normal enough day at the 17th precinct of the New York Police Department. Detective Aya Brea had just accepted an invitation to a date at Carnegie Hall by Sean Pointer, a general annoyance around the station. He was constantly harassing the officers because he always wanted his way. He was the son of a very rich man in New York, and thus thought he was the most important person in the city. He had been asking many of the female officers out on dates for months now, to no avail. However, sick of hearing him complain Aya finally agreed to go with him.
It seemed that Sean had asked Aya for the pleasure of the evening more than any other officer. There was no doubt why, either. She was quite a looker, with blonde hair and blue eyes. She was rather shapely, as well. However, she was also quite a tough cop, always getting the job done. Though only on the force for some six months, she was known as one of the harshest officers in the precinct.
"Man, Aya." Said Dollis, Aya’s partner, coming into the room. "I can’t believe that you actually accepted that slimes proposal."
Daniel Dollis had been Aya’s partner since she signed on to the force, though he was on the force for about 20 years before that. His nickname was "Bo," though it seemed that no one ever called him that, and that it is mentioned for no apparent reason. He was, apparently, a little older than Aya, but was still the same rank. He was in is mid-to-late forty’s, and was in fairly good shape. He was of African-American decent, though he acted like a New Yorker, which he had been, all of his life. His son, Ben, lived with him, not his ex-wife Lorraine, who also seems to be a completely inconsequential character.
"Well, someone has to shut him up." Replied Aya, looking up from her work.
"I don’t see why it has to be you." Dollis shot back. "You know, there are a lot of female cops downstairs, who have absolutely no relation to the plot which he could be dating."
"What?"
"I dunno what I just said, or how it made sense, but that little cat told me it did."
"The little cat?"
The department had picked up a little white cat on the streets. They thought they could help it find it’s home. When they got it to the Police department, they discovered that it had pink wings, a yellow antenna, and a big pink nose. They also discovered that it could talk, and it said its name was Mog. Of course, they didn’t believe it, because cats can’t talk.
"You know you’re not supposed to listen to the cat." Aya said. "It’s a notorious liar."
"Yeah, I know." Said Dollis. "But Ben loves it so much."
Just then, the cat, Mog, walked into the room; on it’s hind legs.
"Hey, doesn’t anyone ever feed the animals around here?" Mog said. "Them dogs are growling at me."
"Get back on all fours and stop talking, cat." One of the officers said. "You’re a cat, and can’t talk or walk on your hind legs. Especially until we give you a name."
"My name is Mog!" Mog shot back. "And where’s Edgar. I wanna complain."
"Who is this Edgar, lying cat?" Dollis asked.
"You know, the king of Figaro. He’s got to show up, this Fanfic is written by Chris Horn. All Final Fantasy characters gotta show up. The chapters have also got to be really short. In fact, this one is probably almost over. It’s just the way it works."
"What?" Dollis asked.
"I’m getting out of here, it’s too weird here. I guess I’ll go get dressed for my date tonight." Aya said, leaving the station.
***
"Well, aren’t you happy that you went with me tonight?" Sean asked, helping Aya out of the car.
Sean wasn’t a bad looking man; he just had the feel of a spoiled brat. Which he was. To a great extent. He was handsome, and could easily get a date. That is, if the woman wasn’t a complete moron. He had money, which was enough to get him through life, just not get him a date. Which he had now. And he was happy.
"Well, aren’t you?" Sean pressed.
"Umm… Yeah. Of course." Aya said, climbing out of the car.
"I got my dad to get us some good tickets for this."
"Oh." Aya said, starting to realize the situation she was in.
"Didn’t you say you wanted to go to this opera?"
"Of course, I’m just preoccupied." Aya said.
They walked into Carnegie Hall in silence, and took their seats. Sean kept looking at Aya and smiling, and she would smile back, reluctantly. There were four men on the stage. Three were in Shakespearean outfits, looking ready for their parts. The fourth was in a barcalounger, in blue jeans and a white T-shirt, with his beer gut sticking out. He had dis-shelved hair and unendless beard stubble. Most people in the audience were talking about the strange man. He didn’t look at the audience at all before the play.
"The play’s starting" Sean said, as the lights dimmed. Aya couldn’t help but think about how obvious that statement was, and that the man was utterly annoying.
The actors said a few lines about how the man in the chair was some sort of witch. Or warlock. They couldn’t quite make up their mind. After a few lines, and one of the characters threatening to give their life for the sitting man, the man stood up, and started to sing. It was the most excruciating sound that anyone in the theater had ever heard. Many people held their ears, trying to block it. Aya saw the man lock eyes with her. That’s when the sound came. The sound of… Flatulence.
FRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT!
The massive… gas had somehow set the two men behind him on fire. The man screamed, and went toward the most flammable thing he saw, which happened to be the curtain. The singing man turned his back toward the audience, which, to no surprise, hosted the biggest ominous butt crack you’ve ever seen, and started making more… noises. People in the audience started to burst into flames. Aya stood up, shortly followed by Sean. She pulled out her pistol, and aimed it at the stage, in the off chance that she could possible pick off the figure from her seat, and not hit anyone else in the way. Actually, it probably would have been easy with this man’s girth.
"Get out of here!" She screamed at Sean.
"But what about…"
"GO!" She screamed, bumping him out of the way with her hip, in a move that no one would do spontaneously. She moved up to the stage in the newly abandoned theater. She got on the stage and faced the man.
"I am Parasite Steve." The man said.
"What?" Aya asked.
"I am Parasite Steve. I’m going to awaken your mitochondria."
"What? Who are you?" Aya seemed more and more bewildered, asking questions that had just been answered.
"I am Parasite Steve. I’m the ruler of this world. I’m surprised that you are more freely agreeing with me, though I won’t tell you why."
"Don’t move. You’re under arrest." Aya said, aiming her gun squarely at his forehead. "I think we need to get you some mental help. Maybe we’ll just give you the cat."
"I need no help, for I am Parasite Steve now. I took the medicine, and now I am Steve."
"The medicine?" Aya asked.
"Beer." Steve replied.
"Ah. That explains it. You’re coming with me, you drunkard." Aya said, pulling out her handcuffs.
"I’m no drunkard!" Steve screamed. "I’ve been drinking since I was in grade school, but I only recently started calling it Medicine, and that’s when it turned me into Steve!"
"What was your name before?" Aya asked, putting her guard down.
"Steve Pierce." Steve answered.
"So you were Steve before." Aya reasoned.
"No, before I was Steve. Now, I am Parasite Steve!" Steve cackled.
"No, now you’re looney." Aya said. "You’re coming with me."
"NO!" Steve screamed, and ran offstage. Aya ran after him, but by the time she got there, all that was left was a giant hole in the ground. The sound of police sirens could be heard.
"That must be my backup, but they’ll never come in, so I won’t wait for them. I’ll just jump in." Aya said, and she jumped in the hole, after Parasite Steve.
***
"For one hundred thousand dollars, this is your first subject… Go!" said Dick Clark, radiating from the TV in the basement. The clowns watched the show eagerly, as if their lives depended on it. No one knew why there were clowns in the basement. They were just there. There was no explanation necessary. Maybe there was a circus coming up. Yes, that must be it. I’m sure there are many, many circuses at Carnegie Hall.
Parasite Steve easily walked into the room as the clowns’ eyes were glued onto Fannie Flagg, as she gave bad clues to her partner.
"A toaster, a refrigerator, Julia Child…" Fannie said, trying to get her partner to say, "Things You’d Find in a Kitchen."
Parasite Steve saw a chance to show his strength. He used his magical remote control powers to change the TV to Jerry Springer. As the clowns writhed in agony, he quickly changed the channel to Baywatch. The clowns melted, horrified by the images of David Hasselhoff in swim trunks glowing from their little brown tube. Parasite Steve walked through the pile of melted clowns, and turned the TV to football. His barcalounger magically appeared, and he watched the football game. The strangest thing was, he had no idea how football was played. However, as a man, he felt obligated to watch it. He would rather be watching ‘The $100,000 Pyramid,’ as the clowns were, but that wasn’t as manly as football. One thing Parasite Steve was was manly.
Aya burst into the room as he sat back, watching the game.
"Shh…" Steve said. "They’re about to kick off."
"No they’re not," said Aya "they’re in mid-play."
Steve was taken aback. "How do you know about football, woman! I am the powerful Parasite Steve, a man, and should therefore know more about football than you!"
"Sure, pal." Aya shot back. "You just keep dreaming. I love football. I watch it every weekend."
"Oh yeah?" Steve asked, angrily. "Well, we’ll just see about that!" Steve left his barcalounger again, and Aya got to truly see what an utter fat ass he was. The first thought that popped in her head was Freakazoid’s ‘Fanboy’ after some twenty years, and a bad marriage. Then she decided that no human would possibly marry that. She pulled out her gun as he pulled out his magical remote. He turned on Baywatch immediately, no gradual change through Springer. Aya pulled out her sunglasses, blocking the TV.
"You weren’t supposed to do that!" Steve shouted. He became very agitated and ran from the building. Aya ran after him quickly, trying to thwart his escape attempt. She didn’t need to. For once, her backup actually helped. He was surrounded. He also wasn’t about to let that stop him. He let loose another fragrant attack against the police, but they had fire shields. Aya caught up.
"Hold it, tubby!" She screamed, coming out of the building. She caught her breath for a moment and then looked at him in the face. "You know, you run pretty fast for your size."
"It’s the parasite powers, given to me by the medicine!" He shouted in reply.
"Sure it is, Steve." Aya replied as she moved toward him. An officer had already removed his remote control, and had established that he had a flame-thrower in his pants. His breath reeked of alcohol. "How about we take you to the station, Steve." Aya suggested.
"No! You will not take Parasite Steve to the station! Parasite Steve will remain here!" Steve screamed, starting to refer to himself in the third person, in an eerie Bob Doleish way. After one simple bonk on the head with a nightstick, he fell unconscious. They then pulled him into the patrol wagon (a harder task than it sounds) and drove him to the station. Dollis, who arrived as one of the backup officers, went to Aya.
"Man, I didn’t think this would already be over," Dollis said. "I mean, I thought this would have had a little more challenge…"
"Yeah, I know," replied Aya. "Were still in the first chapter."
"You know…" started Dollis.
"What?"
"There’s one thing we didn’t solve in this whole thing."
"What’s that?"
"Where in the hell did that little annoying walking cat come from?"
"Good question… Maybe we should book him, too."
"Good idea." Dollis said, walking back toward their car. "Hey, rookie, let’s go out to McDonald’s for celebration!"
"Celebration of what?" Aya asked.
"I dunno. Let’s just go. I’m hungry, and hankering for a McRib."
As the two officers made their way toward golden arches, the police wagon headed down to the station. After sitting in the cell for nearly a month, Steve was put in court. The results from the trial after this.
***
INTERMISSION
"Let’s go out to the kitchen, let’s go out to the kitchen, let’s go out to the kitchen, and have ourselves some snacks!"
And now, a message from the Psychic Enemies Network:
Do you want someone to look out for around dark corners? Do you want someone to chase you down alleys at night? Well, look no further! The Psychic Enemies Hotline is here! Just call up the Psychic Enemies, and give them all of your personal stats! Tell them your name, age, address, home phone number, social security number, work phone, date of birth, clothes sizes, and the age and address of parents or siblings, and they’ll do all the rest! Call now to get your first stalking for only $3.95 a minute! Do it today!
CONCLUSION OF INTERMISSION
***
Steve Pierce, a.k.a. Parasite Steve was sentenced to a mental institution for two years. He will then be allowed to join his rightful place as a postal employee.
The Basement Clowns were given the life sentence for watching Game Show Network.
Mog was given a severe flogging for breaking inter-dimensional treaties. Now he will be kept in a small pet cage.