Christmas Saga 2 Page 2
by d Galloway

Santa's workshop, located deep in the farthest reaches of the North Pole, was busy with work. It was only twenty-five days until Christmas, and the Elves had fallen behind following a sudden population explosion. They continued to sing their elfish songs, though, as they pounded microchips into several X-Boxes and laptops. At least nobody had destroyed their workshop yet...

A lone figure appeared on the cliffs overlooking the workshop. He wore a long blue cloak over his black tunic, and his eyes burned with intelligence and cunning. He removed a small wand from his belt, and waved it in the air above him. A storm suddenly surrounded the workshop, accompanied by a whirlwing of wind and thunder. The entire tory factory began to shake violently for several minutes, and finally dissintegrated into nothing in the wind. The whirlwind then transformed intoa long tornado, which flew into the distance.

Now satisfied, the man vanished.

***

Weiila cautiously entered Galloway's house. Her eyes darted from corner to corner, as she watched for any red-haired demons. When she was finally satisfied, she started to put a document on the coffee table.

"WHAT are you doing here, Weiila?"

Weiila snapped around, and saw Galloway staring at her, holding a wet plate in one hand and a sponge in the other.

"Galloway, as you know, Christmas is coming," said Weiila. "After last year's fiasco, we have made a decision about you."

Galloway's eyes narrowed. "About me?"

"Yes," said Weiila. "You are hearby banished from RPGC until January 2nd. You are also to stay the hell away from me."

"WHAT?!" Galloway dropped the plate, sending shards flying everywhere.

"Everywhere you go, chibifying follows," said Weiila. "I made it through the year as an adult, and I plan on keeping it that way. Nobody else wants to be kidified, either, so they joined in on this. See you next here." She dropped off the document and flew out the door in a hurry.

***

"And so they kicked me out of RPGC," finished Galloway.

The rest of the convoy didn't respond; they were already unconcious. The military truck pulled into the abandoned Fresno warehouse, and the entire strike force disembarked. Galloway pulled out some sort of palm pilot, pushed a few buttons, and read the instructions:

"Mission objective: Eliminate known Cyber-Terrorist organization. The only known entrance and exit is the front door. Terrorists are said to be tubby loners, so tactics will not be needed. There is a reward of $10, with an extra $1 to whoever kills the most losers."

The entire team left after hearing the pay; only Galloway and the truck were left. Galloway leaned against the wall by the door, assault rifle shaking nervously in his arms. Finally, he kicked the door open and ran inside.

He realized what had happened when the smell reached him. Scattered around the warehouse were the bodies of the terrorists, a good ways into decomposition. Galloway looked at the closest body. The fat corpse's face was frozen in terror, and half of its gut was torn out.

The sound of whirring alerted Galloway to the next danger...

***

"That was a great idea, Weiila," said Starstorm. "No Galloway equals unlimited sex."

"Thanks," said Weiila. "Now, can you please clear the driveway? It's been snowed under for five days!"

"D-Did I mention your great idea?" said Starstorm. Weiila simply pointed to the castle gate. Starstorm finally gave in, grabbed a shovel, and went into the freezing cold.

Weiila smiled. A Christmas as an adult. Nothing could ruin this...

She didn't catch her thoughts early enough. As if on que, a shadowy figure came out of nowhere and dragged Weiila out the back.

Starstorm ran back inside, his entire body covered in permafrost. Once his vision returned, he realized Weiila wasn't there anymore. He waited patiently for his speech to return, then shouted.

***

Galloway rolled to the side as the spear imbeded itself into the ground. Valkyrie Esker jumped down from a nearby railing, covered in blood. She grabbed Gungnir and pointed it at Galloway's throat. "What the hell are you doing here, d?"

Galloway grabbed Gungnir's tip and slowly pushed it away. "I was about to get ten bucks until you showed up. Now, what the hell are YOU doing here?"

"None of your damn business," said Val. "Now, if you'll excuse me..."

A bullet whizzed past both of them, imbedding itself on the far wall. A blood-soaked man, complete with a smoking pistol. He was muttering random words and phrases (including some he probably just made up) as he tried to reload the gun. Unfortunately for him, Galloway already had a loaded gun...which was also a lot better than a pistol...

(I think you can guess what happens next)

Galloway examined the dead maniac, but didn't find anything important. However, he DID find a small door the asshole was blocking. Galloway pushed the doorway open, and found himself inside an enormous walk-in freezer. The walls were covered with large, metal cabinets, complete with various flashy buttons and frost-covered windows.

Galloway looked inside, but most of them were empty. Only one had anything inside. He wiped away the frost, and saw a human face inside.

***

Weiila woke up to find herself inside a large, metal cage, suspended over a deep pit of fire. Her arms and legs were chained to the bottom of the cage, as was her neck. Around the pit were hundreds of well-dressed individuals, as well as a ninja.

One of the well-dressed guys, a fat blob with perfectly-combed hair and a fancy suit, approached a podium. "Brothers and sisters," he said, in a southern accent found only in cheap 60's television, "we are gathered today to talk about a grave threat to the world. The devil has sent one of his many agents to destroy those who seek redemption!" Weiila knew what this was: a revival meeting.

"We have tolerated Lucifer for the last time! We must rise up and destroy his forces! We shall start by destroying our two greatest enemies!" A resounding cheer erupted from the crowd.

***

Starstorm set outside on his search for Weiila, only to be captured by someone.

***

Val slammed the freezer door shut, then barred it with a chair. Unfortunately for her, Galloway simply kicked the door open, dragging the metal cabinet behind him.

***

Starstorm woke up to find himself inside a large cage, suspended over a pit of fire. His arms and legs were chained to the bottom of the cage, as was his neck. Around the pit were a rather disshelved group, as well as a ninja.

One of them, a small, rather geeky kind of guy, approached a podium. "My friends," he said, in a voice that would make a Trekkie cringe, "our old enemies have returned to destroy us. They seek to hold down the world. We won't let the evil Illuminati stop us!" Starstorm realized where he was: a conspiracy nut meeting.

"They hold back information to control us, to make us their slaves. They will control us no longer! We shall destroy the Illuminati, and the people shall be free!" This was meant with a resounding cheer from the crowd.

***

Wilfredo gathered his last precious five bucks, then teleported to the North Pole. After a quick dose of Nulfrost, he walked over the frozen precipece to Santa's Workshop...only to find it missing.

"Santa's Workshop!" he gasped. "What happened?"

Strangely enough, an owl landed on the only tree in the North Pole, which was also an old and dead one. Even stranger, the owl wore a blue vest, complete with one of those glass things that only covers one eye. Then the wierdest thing happened: it spoke. "Oh, I can tell you what happened."

Wilfredo looked at the owl. At first, he thought he was just drunk, but then he remembered he hadn't had a drop of AA for three days. With no other choice, he talked back. "Well then, what happened?"

"Oh, it was the powerful and evil wizard Mordack who did it," said the owl. Wilfredo quickly began to hate the owl. "He conjured up a powerful whirlwind, that swirled faster and faster around the workshop. The whirlwind and workshop then dissapeared into the sky, and out of sight!"

"But...why?" asked Wilfredo, feeling his IQ drop by the minute. "Why would this wizard want the workshop? What can he possibly have against Santa?"

"That I don't know," said the owl, "but I can take you to Santa himself. Fortunately, he left the workshop just before this happened."

***

After much nagging, Val finally helped Galloway load the metal thing into the truck. She then jumped in the back as Galloway drove as fast as he could out of Fresno.

Val leaned over the cabinet, examining its many flashy buttons and switches. Finally, she found one that was labeled, "Open Cryogenic Chamber."

"Shouldn't we open this thing yet?" shouted Val.

"We have to get back to HQ first," said Galloway. "It's standard operation procedure. Besides, I don't want to lose my precious ten bucks."

The sound of hissing immediately erupted from the back, followed by a gas that remotely resembled dry ice. "While you were saying that, I kinda opened it," shouted Val. Galloway pulled the truck over, jumped out, and ran to the back.

The lid slowly opened, releasing more and more dry ice. Finally, it stopped, and a bunch of rainbow colored lights started flashing from inside. When the spectacle ended, the dry ice cleared...

Revealing a naked girl.

***

Wilfredo and the owl appeared inside a large room, with white crystal walls, beautiful marble floors and ceilings, and an air force sticker above one of the many archways. An old pipe organ sat in one corner, making it the only object around (besides the owl).

The sound of heavy footsteps and singing quickly caught Wilfredo's attention. Before he could do anything about them, though, Santa emerged from one of the archways. He laughed like a crack addict when he saw Wilfredo.

***

Val quickly threw Galloway out the back of the truck, where he ran into a series of passing cars. After about thirty painful seconds, Galloway's bloody, beaten body flew back into the truck. The girl was unconcious throughout the entire ordeal.

A few minutes later, the girl's eyes open. She started to climb out of the device, but since the only person who cared about that (Galloway) was in a death-defying coma, it didn't matter that much. Val got a better look at her, noticing her brown hair, her blue eyes, her...other assets. She actually looked around eighteen without the massive amounts of dry ice...

Then she saw the other part the ice had covered...

***

Deep within the netherrealm, evil demons began to conjugate to a central part. They started dancing and frolicking in the flaming pits of hell, while lost souls were shoved inside at a constant rate. Finally, the demons ended their dance number with a resounding flourish, but seeing as how this was Hell, they didn't get much applause.

Within a large flaming pit, a thunderous voice roared, accompanied by dramatic licks of flame. "I, Lucifer, king of Hades command you to stop at once and dissapear! Begone, all of you!" The demons and lost souls quickly dissapeared. "Except Pitch."

A single red, devil-like demon reappeared. He cautiously approached the flaming pit as Lucifer continued to spit out commands. "You, Pitch, chief of all my demons must now abandon the red hot coals and journey up to Earth. But this time you must not fail as you have in the past! You must not be stopped by that old goat, Santa Claus! If you fail to make all of the children of the Earth do evil, you shall be punished! And instead of red hot coals, you will be stuffed with ice cream!"

"No Lucifer, chief of all evil things," said Pitch. "Have mercy, I beg of you! Frozen foods are bad for me, especially chocolate. It's very bad for my digestion. But I promise you, king of Hades, that by my many wives I shall drive off Santa forever, and make the children commit terrible deeds to make Santa Claus angry!"

"THWART THEM!" shouted Lucifer. "SHOW THE WORLD WHO IS ITS REAL MASTER!"

"So be it, Lucifer," said Pitch. He teleported to a large, flaming rock and looked to the ceiling. "Elevator of Hades, transport me to Earth!"

***

Weiila tried to get her chains loose, but to no avail. The lunatics had her tied down good.

***

Starstorm tried to get his chains loose, but to no avail. The nutjobs had him tied down good.

***

Val rose to her feet, meeting the girl at eye level. "Uh...hi," said Val. "Name's Esker." Val extended her hand, but the girl only looked at it blankly. Galloway let out a low moan as his heart neared collapse, but neither of them paid any attention.

"W...where am I?" gasped the girl. "Wh...what's wrong with my head?"

Val didn't really want to answer, but the girl reached to her head anyway. She quickly located her problem: she had cat ears. Before she could scream, Val knocked her out with a single punch, then put her unconcious body on one of the benches. She then went to healing Galloway, who was half a second from death.

***

"Nice place you have here," said Wilfredo.

"It was my half-brother's fortress," said Santa. "After he sadly died last Christmas, I decided to use it as a back-up workshop, in case something should happen to the one at the North Pole. By the way, how is that workshop?"

"Santa, I don't know how to tell you this," said Wilfredo, "but...your workshop's been captured by an evil wizard."

"WHAT?!" Santa's screames echoed throughout the entire fortress. "Wilfredo, my family, my elves, my reindeer! They were all at the workshop! We need to find them!"

"Perhaps I can help," said the owl. "My employer just happens to be a wizard, which is why I recognized Mordack. Unlike Mordack, however, my employer happens to be a good wizard."

"Why didn't you tell me that back at the North Pole?!" shouted Wilfredo.

The owl wasn't listening. "His name is Chrispen Arthur, but we all call him Chrispen for short. Perhaps he can help us."

"You must hurry, Wilfredo!" said Santa. "I would join you, but we have only a tiny amount of time to finish our work now!" Wilfredo and the owl both teleported back to the North Pole.

***

Val threw a blanket over the girl, then buckled her down with several conveniently-placed straps. Galloway examined the cabinet, and found a secret compartment at the bottom. Inside were various documents, pictures, files, etc.

"She'll be all right," said Val. "Good thing you were so close to death she didn't see you; we might have had a real problem there."

"We'll stop by my place first," said Galloway. "We need to sort some things out, and I need to kill you for throwing me into the middle of a highway."

***

Wilfredo and the owl proceeded to teleport to yet another magical land. Unfortunately, the owl misaimed the spell, and they reappeared in the air over a forest. The owl started to fly down, while Wilfredo fell like a stone.

***

"...and that's why Goro is the coolest fighting game character ever," said Galloway. The truck finally pulled into Galloway's driveway, nearly running over a couple cats and kids. Galloway and Val unbuckled the girl and carried her into Galloway's room. They then threw her onto the bed as Galloway started his computer.

A few "blue screens of death" later, the computer hummed to a start. Galloway inserted a small floppy, and a bunch of useless crap popped up. After a few thousand more clicks, Galloway finally got the info he wanted. A window showed a picture of the girl, her exact measurements, and some actual information:

***

Name: Elizabeth Jones.
Project Code: Trisha-5.
Birthdate: April 26, 1951
Known Family: Gregory Jones (Father, Deceased), Martha Jones (Mother, Deceased), Jeremy Jones (Brother).

Project Log
September 1968: Jones was captured five days ago. DNA sample has been injected. The girl has been named Trisha-5, and is currently in stasis.

October 1968: Results have been unsatisfactory. The body is rejecting the genetic change. Trisha-5 is being stored for further study.

January 1969: For some reason, Trisha-5 has grown cat ears and a tail. One scientist admitted to this, claiming to have a fascination with cats. We quickly threw him into the meat grinder and sold him to a small hamburger place. We are now trying to classify his strange fetish.

February 1969: The further DNA changes have stabilized Trisha-5, but the process will require approximately 30 years of cryogenic sleep for further stablization. Trisha-5 has been placed inside cold sleep, and will be thawed at the beginning of the 21st century.

March 1969: Project closed. All cryogenics placed inside warehouse in California. All personel have been transfered to Project GOD.

***

"...that was a piece of crap," said Galloway. "We just need a bit more info..."

The girl suddenly woke up. She started to sit up, and the blanket began to slide. Val quickly threw duct tape over Galloway's eyes, and was just about to staple his eyes shut when the door opened.

***

The owl landed on a tree branch, which was by a rustic stone house deep within the forest. Wilfredo, meanwhile, landed in a stream by the house, which fortunately broke his fall. The house door opened, and an old man in a long black robe and hood emerged.

The old man looked at the owl. "Cedric? Where have you been? I've been calling for you." The man then turned to Wilfredo, who was still dizzy from the fall.

"Well, what have we here?" said the old man. He walked to Wilfredo, a kind smile on his face. "A bit clumsy, don't you think? Well, get yourself up and dry off. No use sitting around like a wet dog!" Wilfredo stumbled to his feet and shook himself off.

The old man turned back to the owl. "Cedric, go and prepare us some tea." The owl obliged, and entered the house, followed by the old man and Wilfredo.

***

F. Galloway stood in the doorway, watching the entire spectacle with a naked girl and a guy with duct tape over his eyes. "Okay, what the unholy fuck is going on here?"

Val cleared her throat. "Well, we apparantly woke up a catgirl in cryogenic storage from the 1960s. We just haven't gotten past this point."

"And Val nearly killed me a half hour ago," said Galloway.

"...what's everybody talking about?" asked the girl.

F. Galloway looked at the computer, then back at the girl. "So...Elizabeth, do you have any idea what happened?"

"You mean why I have cat ears all of the sudden?" said Elizabeth. "And...what's wrong with my back?" She reached down, and felt a cat tail. Before she could scream, Val covered her mouth.

"Can we get some damn clothes on her?" asked Galloway. "We need to get the tape off before the glue sinks into my eyes and blinds me."

***

"The flames have begun to die down," said the revival leader. "Throw more of Satan's works into the pit." Several fellow lunatics threw Harry Potter books, Dungeons and Dragons materials, and science textbooks into the pit. The flames shot up, burning Weiila briefly.

***

"The flames are dying," said the conspiracy theory leader. "Throw more Illuminati works into there." Several fellow nutjobs threw religious books, important national documents, and various kinds of money into the pit. The flames shot up, burning Starstorm briefly.

***

"According to the FBI profile," said Galloway, "Elizabeth's brother is a district manager of a K-Mart down in Long Beach. He has two offspring and eight grandchildren. He lives with his wife of thirty years in the same city. He likes hamburgers, Nick-at-Nite, and Playboy magazines up to 1978. Besides that, we have no info."

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?" asked Val.

"Seeing as how this is Christmas," said Galloway, "I figured we should do something nice. Besides, it's been a rather ueventful year, and since I've been banished from RPGC, what better way to kill some time than to drive for many, many hours through one desolate mountain range after another, listening to the same damn spanish station because it's the only one that works, finally culminating to the part where I destroy a man's life by showing him his long-lost sister, who has not aged a day and is now a catgirl. Besides, I already sent someone to get the funds."

***

Mitchell had a sudden craving and grabbed the phone. "Hello? Lard Ass Pizza?"

Gemini stealthily snuck into the room, just as sneakily as any dual class wizard-ninja would. While Mitchell was ordering eighteen personal pan pizzas, and Pokefreak was hallucinating Cthulu again after drinking a bad Pepsi, Gemini grabbed both their wallets and replaced them with fakes. He then snuck back out, with neither of the cops the wiser.

***

F. Galloway and Elizabeth finally emerged from the bathroom. Elizabeth now wore a pair of jeans, a white t-shirt and a blue zipper-covered jacket, all of which were a few sizes large for her.

"It's sloppy, but this was a rush job," said F. Galloway. "Now, let's get you two loverbirds out the door..."

(one brief struggle later)

Elizabeth climbed into Galloway's small, foul-smelling, trash-filled car. Gemini was already sitting in the miniscule back seat, holding the wallets of both Pokefreak and Mitchell.

"Are you sure about this?" said Galloway. "I mean, this IS a big deal..."

"Don't worry," said Elizabeth. "I've been frozen for 35 years, and was just released into a strange new world as a wierd human-cat thing, but I can handle meeting my little brother." Galloway was nice enough not to mention that her brother was most likely in his late 40s, and would probably freak out when he learned she was alive. But, this wasn't exactly his most thought-out scheme...

"...I couldn't know less about what's going on," said Gemini. "Now, if you would be so kind as to-" Galloway didn't hear a word he said; he was already racing down the road.

***

Wilfredo finished his cup of tea, while listening to Chrispen and Cedric.

"The Society of Wizards have always taken a grim look on Mordack and the abuse of his power," said Chrispen. "Why, he's even been put on suspension a few times! It never seems to do any good, though."

"Chrispen, what would Mordack want with Santa?" asked Wilfredo. "What did he ever do to him?"

"I don't know, Wilfredo," sighed Chrispen. "I could never understand that evil mind of his."

"Oooh, I thought you might be able to help, Chrispen," said Cedric. "That's why I brought him here!"

The old man hunched over to an old trunk. After a few minutes of rummaging, he emerged with an old wand. He waved the magical object, but it only fizzled and died. Still, he handed it to Wilfredo. "Here, take my old wand. I don't know if it still works anymore; most of its power may be gone. You must remember that wands are like pets. You have to take good care of them before they work for you." Despite the seemingly useless power of the object, Wilfredo took it anyway.

"You'd better get going," said Chrispen. "There's no telling what that foul Mordack could be up to. You go with him, Cedric. Show him the way."

Cedric's owl eyes nearly bulged out of their skulls. "Whooooo, me?"

"Yes, you, don't be such a coward!" Chrispen quickly proved himself to be the most useful out of the duo. "Come on, you'd better get started!"

Wilfredo climbed out of his comfortable rocking chair. "Thank you, Chrispen," he said. "I appreciate all you've done for me." He then walked out of the house, followed by Cedric.

***

The young catgirl Kirokokori looked longingly through the shop window at the many Christmas-even-though-they-were-put-out-during-Halloween items she desired. Finding his target, Pitch teleported to her.

"You want those presents, don't you?" said the devil. "Go ahead, steal them! They won't notice a few things missing!"

Fortunately for both her and the shop owner, she wandered off. Enraged, Pitch turned his attention to three nearby boys, who were quite obviously troublemakers. With a little coercing, they grabbed some rocks and threw them at a Santa display.

***

Santa was laughing like a maniac when a rock flew out of nowhere and ran into him. After recovering from his brain-damaging injury, Santa became furious. "It must be that old devil, Pitch! If I didn't have so much work to do, I'd go right down there and kick his evil behind all the way back to Hades! Now, to gather the slave labor- I mean, child volunteers."

***

After a few painful hours of driving, the trio arrived at a Denny's parking lot in Long Beach. An older gentleman, wearing a blue collar uniform and a grim expression, entered the restaurant. Galloway activated his fancy Night-Vision goggles, only to be temporarily blinded due to the natural light. After a few painful minutes, he pulled out some regular binoculars and zoomed in on the man. He quickly glanced at the photo.

"Yep, that's your brother," said Galloway. "Good thing they had a file on his favorite restaurant."

Elizabeth grabbed the binoculars and zoomed in. "Th-that can't be him! He's old enough to be my dad! And that suit? Where's my real brother?"

Galloway snatched the binoculars back. "Do you think time stood still for you? Many years have passed since you last set foot in this world." Gemini was too entranced in his GBA to pay attention.

An older woman approached Elizabeth's brother. The two seemed to have a brief exchange, then left for the back of the restaurant. "Finally, he's out of the way," said Galloway. "Come on, let's go." They climbed out of the car and entered the restaurant, a large snow cap covering Elizabeth's ears.

***

"So, any ideas on where to start, Cedric?" asked Wil.

"We should go to the town," said Cedric. "You might be able to find some supplies there. It's just a little bit to the south."

"Well then, let's be on our way, Cedric," said Wil. The unlikely duo made their way south.

***

While Galloway and Gemini stuffed themselves, Elizabeth watched the back of the restaurant anxiously. "Maybe he saw us," she said. "Maybe he already left."

"Don't be ridiculous," said Galloway, his mouth half-stuffed with hamburger. "He'll be back. We just need a sign..."

A scream was their answer. One of the waiters ran out, screaming bloody murder. After a few agonizing seconds, the crowd knocked him into submission, and resumed their eating...except for Galloway, Elizabeth and Gemini. They slowly made their way to the back, Galloway's hand never straying far from his sword. The trail ended at a men's bathroom.

Galloway shoved the door open, sword drawn. Lying on the ground was Elizabeth's brother, his head practically screwed off, his body soaked in blood. Gemini started hurling, Elizabeth practically broke down, and all Galloway could say was, "Good God..."

***

Kiro was walking home when a shadowy ninja approached her. She quickly drew her bazooka and fired, but missed the ninja by a mile. Needless to say, she was quickly captured.

***

Wil returned from the town, carrying a rotten fish, silver coin, cloak, sled, and hammer. After arguing with the annoying owl for a bit, he went down the road to a bakery, and bought a fresh custard pie. Finally, he reached a quant-looking country inn, complete with a giant haystack and barn.

Wil looked into the horizon; the sun was setting. "This looks like a good place," said Wil. "Cedric, let's stay here for the night."

"Ooooh, I'll stay out here," said Cedric. "I don't like the look of this place." Nevertheless, Wil stepped inside, hoping that Cedric would fall into a river and drown.

***

After staring at the body for a few minutes, Galloway searched the pockets. He finally found a wallet, inside of which was a driver's license, some credit cards, a few bucks, and a home adress. Also, a small picture showed Elizabeth's brother with an older woman, several young adults, and a couple kids.

"Uh...brother," said Gemini, finally looking up from the trash can. "There's something in the mirror..." Galloway looked at the mirror, and saw that a message was written in blood on it.

"Why didn't I notice THAT before?" murmered Galloway. He looked at the message, and was startled by what it read:

"Soon, Trisha."

***

The lobby of the inn was nothing more than a small tavern. Three burly men were nestled around the bar, talking in hushed voices. They didn't notice Wil standing by the doorway. Silently, he snuck closer to the men.

The biggest man, standing behind the bar, was the one speaking. "...I was wondering, where's the loot from the last job? I think one of you guys is holding out on me-" He then noticed Wil and let out a surprised shout. The other two men turned in alarm.

"T-Terribly sorry," said Wil. "I didn't mean to interrupt you..."

The two men closest to him grabbed Wil's arms, disarming him before forcing him on his knees. The big man stood over him. "The inn's full! I ain't got no more rooms!" Wil simply continued to struggle.

"Hey boss," said one of the thugs, "this guy looks like a little troublemaker. What do I do with him?"

"Rub him out," said the big man. One of the thugs brought something heavy against Wil's head, and he fell to the ground.

***

"So we have yet another mystery to solve," said Galloway. "That's just dandy."

The car pulled into a parking lot by a small hotel. Galloway, Gemini, and the visibly shaken Elizabeth climbed out and entered the seedy place. The clerk looked at them blankly.

"D-Do you want a room?" he asked. "We don't have many red squares here."

Galloway looked at the guy puzzledly, then realized he was stoned out of his mind. He simply paid a few bucks, grabbed a room key, and left the guy to hallucinate the meaning of the universe.

***

GG Crono approached the Castle of Fanfiction, bearing gifts for Weiila and Starstorm. He pushed the door open, and found the entire castle strangely empty. A ninja popped out of nowhere, but dissapeared when GG actually jump kicked it.

***

Galloway was sleeping rather uncomfortably when he heard voices from the other side of the cracked wall.

"Hey, man, you got the stuff?"

"Show me the money first, man."

"No, show me the drugs first."

"No, man! The greens first!"

Galloway finally couldn't take the exchange anymore. "Oh, for the love of- HE'S WEARING A WIRE!"

"What? You little-!" A torrent of gun fire erupted, leaving a happy face of bullet holes on the wall. Galloway finally went back to sleep.

***

Wilfredo woke up to find himself sitting in a dark, cold cellar. He then realized he was tied to a support beam with strangely blue rope. Fortunately, a random rat came along and chewed through a small part of the rope, and Wilfredo pulled himself free. He grabbed his bag of neatly organized junk, along with the still-usable part of the rope. Finally, he broke the padlock off the cellar door using the hammer, and helped himself into the kitchen.

***

Galloway woke up the next cold, foggy morning to discover Elizabeth standing by the TV, impatiently surfing through the many channels. Gemini, meanwhile, was still snoring like some kind of annoying buzzsaw sawing through the twisted ankle of a young woman in her underwear.

Galloway looked down at the dead man's wallet, and quickly came up with yet another plan to complicate things...

***

F. Galloway and Val woke up the next morning, shrugging off the freezing cold and smacking aimlessly into things. Finally, they regained their composure for more than five seconds, waited until Galloway's parents left, and took their seats on the couches.

"I can't believe he left us behind," said Val. "I really wanted to watch him ruin that girl's entire existance."

"Well, what do you want to do for Christmas?" asked F. Galloway.

"I don't know," said Val. Then inspiration hit her. She quickly reached into the couchfold and magically pulled out pamphlets on a place called "Rock Gourge."

F. Galloway scanned the documents, and let out an amused smile. "So, you want a vacation for Christmas?"

"Not really," said Val. "It's just that a large amount of gold, platinum, and assorted precious gems are going to travel by there in a week, and Glenton's gonna be there to steal them."

"...so you'll kill him AND get a trip out of the deal," said F. Galloway. "You're one evil woman, you know?"

***

Wilfredo finally left the inn through the side door, carrying a roasted leg of lamb and a small sack. Cedric was sitting there, watching the front door. When he heard Wilfredo, he quickly turned on his claws.

"Oh, there you are!" he said. "I was just about to leave!" Wil cursed his bad timing. "Anyway, what's in the sack?"

Wilfredo opened the sack. Inside were various gold and silver coins, as well as a few blood stains. "I figured they weren't going to use them," he said. "Especially after they open the little gift I left them..."

The inn then exploded, leaving debris everywhere. Cedric sadly shook his owl head. "You're an evil, evil man, Wilfredo."

***

Galloway, Elizabeth and Gemini drove through the many streets of Long Beach, soaking in the abscense of sun and gazing at the ocean hidden beneath layers of fog. Finally, they reached the neighborhood where Elizabeth's brother lived.

The first thing to hit them was the smell of smoke, followed by the crackling of fire, followed by the burning houses. They quickly realized something was not right here. The sense of uneaese finally culminated when they reached the house...or what was left of it.

The entire building was blown apart, along with the nearby houses. Various bodies were also strewn about, left as nothing more than blackened skeletons. Elizabeth jumped out of the slowing car and ran to the house, nearly fainting at the sight. Galloway and Gemini followed after her, and came close to fainting as well.

Finally, they began their long, tiring search of the building's remains.

(five minutes of searching later)

"There's no sign of a bomb," said Galloway. "This is getting pretty fucked up." Elizabeth, meanwhile, was too distraught to care.

Gemini finally left the remains of the kitchen, holding a note. "Brother, I think you should read this." Galloway quickly snatched the memo and started reading:

"We know what you are, Galloway. Follow the map on the back if you want to find us. PS: Your mom!"

Galloway steamed and crushed the note...just as the police showed up.

***

Weiila watched as the many lunatics marched below her. Their leader quickly took the stage, filled with sadistic glee. "Brothers and sisters, the time to battle has come! We shall start by erasing the most vile of creatures, ones that completely defy description...CATGIRLS!" The crowd erupted into applause and shouts as a small catgirl was dragged out in chains. She was ceremoniously carried to the flaming pit.

"We must prepare the way for the Lord!" said the head lunatic. "Now, we shall feed her to the flames of purification!"

Before the poor girl could be thrown in, the lights went out, and the flames instantly died. When they came back on, she was gone, and the chains were shattered.

***

Starstorm watched as the many nutjobs converged below him, holding a small catgirl hostage. Their nerdy leader took the stage, filled with sadistic glee.

"This catgirl is the creation of the Illuminati!" he shouted. "She must be destroyed!" They dragged her to the flaming pit, but the lights and fire went out, and the catgirl dissapeared again.

***

"It's like I told you!" shouted Galloway. "The neighborhood was blown apart before I got there!"

The menacing cop remained unconvinced. He simply pulled out his nightstick, shut the door to the interrogation room, and smacked Galloway across the back of the head until blood started pouring out.

"We don't like your kind around here," said the cop. "With your fancy tails, and your cat ears. You people are a disgrace, boy!"

Galloway picked his head back up, rubbing the bleeding gash in his skull. "Great, another rascist, donut-shovelling cop."

Once again, the cop whipped out the nightstick and bashed Galloway's head in some more. After about a dozen wacks, Galloway slumped forward, bleeding from the ears. The cop put the bloodied night stick away and motioned to a small side door. Two younger, leaner cops came out, obviously nervous.

"Take the suspect to the holding cell," said the cop. "And he hit his head against the bars if anyone asks." The cops grabbed Galloway's unconcious body and dragged him back through the side door.

***

GG climbed out of the luxorious guest beds, threw his clothes back on, and started searching the castle for Weiila and Starstorm. An hour later, he realized they weren't there, and quickly phoned RPGCPD.

***

Poke was desperately searching for his real wallet when the phone rang. Needless to say, he answered.

"Hello? Yes, this is the RPGCPD. Oh, Weiila was kidnapped? Really, that's not that uncommon. WHAT?! STARSTORM, TOO?!" Mitchell himself looked up at that, but Poke paid him no mind. "Okay, they were probably captured by evil ninjas working for shadowy and diabolical organizations, which want to use them as examples in their bid for world domination. Don't worry, GG, let's just gather the RPGC task force and find them." He then hung up, and went back to looking for his wallet.

***

The cops threw Galloway's body into the cell. He slowly returned to conciousness as the door slammed behind him. He climbed unsteadily to his feet, and saw Elizabeth and Gemini both staring at him, freaked out of their minds.

"Don't worry," said Galloway. "The wounds will have healed by Labor Day."

"That's not what I'm worried about," said Gemini. "Thanks to you, I have a criminal record now. I won't be able to work anywhere, travel anywhere, or do anything now! I'll be a useless member of society!"

"...as if you weren't already," said Galloway. "Besides, we've been framed, remember? We just need to bust out of here, go where they told us to, and drag them back in a body bag."

"But...how will we get out?" asked Elizabeth. "We're in a cell, they have our car, and they're putting a tracking chip on my ear in a few minutes."

"Not a problem," said Galloway. He raised his hand to the wall and paused. "You're about to see why I'm not exactly...human."

***

"Well, that was an amazing adventure," said Wil. "I got a honeycomb after saving some bees, and befriended an ant colony. Now what?" Cedric, however, seemed to be thinking big thoughts, perhaps planning their next move, and was not in a talkative mood.

Sighing, Wilfredo looked at the desert to his west. Intuition quickly set in, and he realized that there was something important out there. As soon as he started walking towards the flaming sands, though, Cedric snapped back to reality. "Oh, there's nothing but a big desert to the west! Most people avoid it, because it has bandits out there! Oh, if you're going out there, I'll wait for you here!"

Wil thought about making some owl fricase, but decided against it for the time being, and simply walked out into the desert.

***

About half of the south wall of the police station exploded instantly, sending smoke, debris, and all other manners of unspeakable things flying everywhere. The helpless masses huddled outside ran for cover as the many muggers, burglars, murderers, rapists, druggies, and speed limit violators poured out. Galloway looked blindly at the destroyed wall. "For the record, I did not mean to blow up that much of the wall. Now, let's go!"

Gemini immediately jumped out, with Galloway holding the stunned Elizabeth behind him. Almost immediately, the cops poured out, brandishing various guns, clubs, and knives. Galloway simply raised his hand, though, and they ran off. One of them was even nice enough to drop the keys to Galloway's car, which was conveniently parked by the destroyed wall.

***

Wil quickly used a NulHeat spell, but the barrier was almost immediately destroyed by the impossible heat. Panting, Wil retreated to a nearby cliffside, where he found a nice pool of fresh water. Behind the water, though, was a massive chasm, inside of which was an ancient temple, stretching high into the heavens.

Before he could examine it further, though, he heard hoofbeats approaching from the west. Wil quickly ducked behind a pair of large rocks, and watched as sterotypically-dressed arabian bandits rode in on magnificent horses. Oblivious to Wilfredo's presence, they rode to the temple, where one of them disembarked. He grabbed an ornate staff from his saddle and approached the giant stone slab that constituted as a door.

He shouted, "Open sesame," and tapped the staff against the slab. The stone instantly dissolved, revealing stretching darkness. The bandit ran inside with a heavy bag, then ran out just as the slab reappeared. He put the staff away and remounted his horse.

It was then that he saw his dead companion. And an impatient Wilfredo Martinez standing next to him, chanting a spell.

***

The three jumped into Galloway's car and drove off, leaving the carnage of Long Beach behind.

"Sorry about what happened," said Galloway. "I didn't know someone would wipe out your entire family."

"...how'd you do that?" asked Elizabeth. "You know, blow up the wall?"

"Oh, that?" asked Galloway. "It was just a matter of gathering ki and focusing it into a blast. Nothing too hard. Now, let's head down to...wherever this map goes." Gemini nodded in agreement, and Elizabeth simply looked out the window.

***

Wil grabbed the dead bandit's cantina, then grabbed the staff. Suddenly having a burst of greed, he approached the stone slab and followed suit with the bandits. When he tapped the staff against the slab, however, the staff suddenly cracked and shattered, just as the door dissolved. The intrepid black mage quickly dashed inside, grabbed the closest item he could find (a large, gold bottle), and ran out just before the slab reappeared, sealing the temple forever.

This didn't matter to Wil, though. He simply mounted one of the horses and rode back to the edge of the desert, where the sun was much more agreeable. The horse galloped away the instant he jumped off, but Wil didn't give a damn. After all, he got a golden bottle out of the deal.

***

"...shouldn't we be calling everyone?" asked Mitchell.

"First my wallet," said Poke. "THEN, we worry about Weiila."

***

Wil set foot onto the lush, green prarie just outside of the forest. He was far away from where he had entered, and he breathed a sigh of relief.

"Oh, there you are. I was just starting to get concerned."

His heart filled with horror, Wilfedo looked up...and saw Cedric sitting on a tree branch. Cursing his bad luck, he simply examined the area. The smell of manure finally reached him, along with the sound of a gruff gypsy man scowling at them. Sure enough, there was an ox nearby, along with a gruff gypsy man scowling at them. By the man and the cow sat a large wagon, with the words "Fortune Teller" printed above the door.

Curious, Wil started towards the door, but the gypsy man jumped into his way. "It will cost you one gold coin to see Madam Bushca!"

Wil simply handed him a gold coin from his sack. The gypsy nodded, and let Wilfredo enter the wagon.

***

A random finnish mugger stood in an alley, watching the many men and women walk by. Finally, he grabbed a random finnish woman and dragged her into the alley.

While he was in the middle of taking her valuables, the mighty blue mage Mabatsekker (/sarcasm) jumped off the random finnish rooftop, landing silently behind the random finnish mugger. After a few seconds, the random finnish mugger was down, the random finnish woman was safe, and Mabat managed to take a couple hundred bucks from the random finnish mugger.

Suddenly, his alarm watch went off. Realizing the danger, Mabat teleported back to RPGC.

***

Pierson sat in a random british place, doing random british things. A couple goons suddenly ran into the random british place, shooting guns everywhere. Pierson quickly punched, kicked, and stabbed the hell out of them, then went back to doing random british things.

His alarm watch went off almost immediately. He grabbed his stuff and teleported to RPGC.

***

A trio of bank robbers raced through the sewers of a random british city, holding desperately to several million bucks. Before they could get far, though, Heaven's Soldier melded out of the shadows. The robbers pulled out several old-fashioned tommy guns, but the weapons were sliced apart with one strike of Heaven's Soldier's katanas. The robbers were then captured, and the money taken back to the authorities.

Suddenly, Heaven's Soldier's alarm watch went off. He grabbed his stuff and teleported to RPGC.

***

A woman was about to be gang raped by random Pittsburghian villians. Suddenly, a lone individual in a brown cloak, known only as demigod, showed up and vaporized the evil rapers.

His alarm watch suddenly went off. He quickly teleported to RPGC.

***

The inside of the wagon was filled with the smell of incense, which radiated from various herbs and candles. Sitting at the end was an old woman, wearing brightly-colored robes and a bandana around her head. Her hands were tightly wrapped around a crystal ball.

"Welcome, Wilfredo Martinez," she said. "Come, sit down." Cautiously, Wil sat at the chair across from her, and the old woman continued her fortune telling. "I will tell you your fortune. Already I can tell, that you are on a quest of great urgency. Let me see what I can learn for you. Look, Wilfredo Martinez. Look into the crystal ball."

(CRYSTAL BALL-O-VISION)

(scene sadly cut, although it was most likely important to the plot)

(CRYSTAL BALL-O-VISION)

"That is all I can tell," said the fortune teller. "But I can see that your quest is very dangerous indeed. I have something that can help you." She reached under the table, and pulled out a small crystal amulet. She quickly handed it to Wilfredo. "This will protect you against all but the most powerful magic. Good luck, Wilfredo Martinez. Be careful; that Mordack is a bad one."

"Thank you, madam," said Wil. He nodded slightly, and exited the wagon.

Cedric was busy ripping a mouse apart, and didn't notice Wil standing around. Wilfredo slipped the amulet over his head, then tucked it into his shirt, hiding it from sight. Cedric finally saw them, and the two acted on instinct again and entered a nearby black forest.

***

Mabat, Pierson, Heaven's Soldier, and demigod assembled at the RPGCPD. Pokefreak looked up from his desk, while Mitchell continued the wallet hunt.

"Men," said Poke, "you are the RPGC task force, the most powerful warriors of all the internet. We have a major crisis on our hands. Evil ninjas have captured Weiila and Starstorm, and nearly took GG Crono. We must save them before it is too late."

"Wait...where's Galloway?" asked Pierson. "Isn't he part of the task force?"

"He's been banished," said Poke. "Weiila herself ordered it, and we all approved."

"WHAT?!" shouted Heaven's Soldier. "Why weren't we invited? We hate chibifyings as much as anyone!"

"...Just find Weiila and Starstorm," said Poke. "We can worry about everything else later."

***

Wil and Cedric took a break at a small clearing, where they saw a beautifully-dressed young man, crying on a log. "What's wrong?" asked Wilfredo.

"I've lost my love," said the man. "Say, have you seen a princess with beautiful blonde hair, delicate lips, and smooth, creamy skin?"

"No...can't say I have," said Wil.

"That's what I thought," said the man. "No one has seen her. I bet that old witch in the dark forest has something to do with her dissapearance."

"Well, I'll keep an eye out for her," said Wil. "If I see her, I'll let her know you're looking for her.

"Thank you," said the man. "Now, I must keep looking." The man ran off, leaving a very much confused Wilfredo.

***

Galloway pulled off the road to a small hotel parking lot. In the distance, on a mountain, sat a small house, with what looked like a man standing on the front porch. Realizing that this was a sign of pure evil, Galloway drove off in a hurry.

***

Wil and Cedric continued, where they came across an old gnome and a young gnome sitting on a log. The young gnome was playing with a wonderful marrionete.

"Excuse me," said Wil, "but where did you get that wonderful puppet?"

"I didn't buy it!" said the gnome. "I made it meself! And no, you can't buy it!"

"...you aren't a friendly gnome, are you?" asked Wil.

"After the witch stole my spining wheel?" said the gnome. "Ha! I'm lucky she didn't kill us in our sleep!" As Wil and Cedric continued, they realized that this witch was indeed very evil.

***

(Val was about to be chibified, but Galloway realized that he needed her normal for a little longer. So, she was spared...for the time being.)

***

Wilfredo and Cedric found themselved on the outskirts on an impenetrable forest. Before them stood an unusually large willow tree, surrounded by a pool of water. Thirsty after his encounter in the desert, Wil took a drink from the pool, only to spit it out just as quickly.

"What's wrong, Wil?" asked Cedric.

"THAT'S SALT WATER!" shouted Wil.

His attention then turned to the tree itself. Strangely, two of the branches seemed to be like arms, and were stroking a beautiful harp. Just a bit below her leaves was a face, which seemed to be crying.

"Uh...Ms. Willow?" asked Wil.

"Yes?" said the tree.

Wil took a step back. "You can talk?"

"Well, of course I can!" said the tree. "What did you expect?"

"Well, I've never seen a talking tree before," said Wil. "What's wrong?"

"Everything's wrong, can't you tell?" said the tree. "I'm not really a tree, I'm really a princess! My fiance and I were walking through this wood, when a nasty witch came along, and was enchanted with my handsome prince! When he refused to sleep with her, she teleported him to a far-away land and turned me into a tree. Then she stole my heart."

"Stole your heart?" asked Wil. His mind reeled with ugly witch-on-tree action, which sickened him to no end.

"Yes, she took my heart to gold and took it away with her," said the tree. Wil let out a sigh of relief as the tree continued. "Now the only way to become human is to have my heart back again. Now all I have is my harp, which can play the sweetest song you have ever heard. Now, leave me alone in my sorrow."

Wilfredo sighed, and went a bit to the east, where he found the entrance to the forest. Cedric landed on a large sign, which simply read: "Keep out! Trespass at your own risk!" Despite this warning, Wilfredo started into the forest.

"W-Wait!" shouted Cedric. "I'm not going in there! Can't you read the sign?"

"Come on, Cedric!" said Wil. "We have a witch to kill!"

"Well, if you're going there, I'll wait here!"

Wil gave up on the cowardly owl and entered the forest.

***

The first thing to hit Wil when he entered the forest was not the dead vegetation, the confounding mist, or the strange music coming from nowhere. Rather, it was the unbelievably high number of frogs hopping around the path. Praying that the amulet would do its job, Wil followed the trail deeper into the forest.

Almost immediately, a cloud of smoke puffed up in front of him. An ancient hag, complete with long, blue robes, web-like hair, and a magic wand, appeared from within the cloud. Wil immediately fired a barrage of spells against the witch, but they all bounced harmlessly off her. The witch cackled a few words, and a ball of light ran from the wand and right into Wil's chest.

Wil's body was covered with a warm glow, which quickly subsided. The witch immediately realized her frog-leg fricase was off the menu, and screamed to the heavens with a wrath that even the gods would fear. Then she turned her attention back to Wil. "What are you doing in my forest, little man? Don't you know you're tresspassing?"

"Oh, I didn't know this was a PRIVATE forest!" said Wil. His sarcasm bit into the witch like a rabid dog on a fat man's ass. "Do you OWN it?"

"Of course I own it!" retorted the witch. "It's mine! And what did you do to my magic?"

"I don't think you need to know! Now tell me; where is the princess's heart?"

"You want THAT old thing? Sorry, deary, but it's mine, and so are you! All who enter this forest can never leave!"

"We'll see about that!"

"Yes...won't we?" The witch let out a mocking cackle, as Wil turned around on the path he was traveling on.

Only it wasn't there anymore. Only an impenetrable wall of fog remained there.

***

GG fell asleep yet again in the royal guest bedroom, only to find an evil ninja hiding on the ceiling. Before GG could do anything, another evil ninja entered, followed by yet another, and yet another. The four evil ninjas pounced on the frantic GG Crono.

***

Wil wandered through the forest, searching desperately for a way out. No matter how far he went in whatever direction, he always circled back to the same spot. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he reached a strange building, nestled behing a moat of fire at the very end of the forest. The house itself was built out of rotten wood and moldy brick, complete with various animal remains.

Before he could cross the bridge leading to the house, however, the witch appeared, blocking his passage. "This is my home, sonny! I won't be having your kind walking around my home!"

Finally, Wil had had enough. Looking through his stuff, he found the old bottle from the temple. On the side, in fine print, was written:

"Warning: Do not open. Goes double for evil witches."

Smiling evilly, Wilfredo placed the bottle in front of the witch and stepped back. "What's this?" gasped the witch, before stupidly opening the bottle.

A cloud of smoke puffed from the bottle, and a genie appeared on the top of the smoke. "Ah, freedom at last! Now you spend the next five thousand years in a bottle!" The genie snapped his fingers, and the witch turned to smoke and floated into the bottle. With a clap of his hands, both the genie and the bottle dissapeared.

"Good!" said Wilfredo. "That witch won't be seen around here for a long time. But now..." His mind returned to his plight in the forest.

***

"We must stop the madness!" said the cheif revivalist. "We must eliminate those that protect those vile catgirls!" The crowd shouted in response. "That's why we must kill...THIS MAN!"

He held up a large placard, on which was a blown-up photo of d Galloway, eating a couple bologna slices. The crowd shouted a war cry.

***

"We must stop the conspiracy!" said the chief maniac. "We must eliminate those that protect the catgirls!" The crowd shouted in response. "That's why we must kill...THIS MAN!"

He held up a large placard, on which was a blown-up photo of d Galloway, eating a couple bologna slices. The crowd shouted a war cry.

***

Wil finished raiding the house, coming out with a gold key, a spinning wheel, and a bag with three emeralds. He wandered around the forest some more, before finding a small cupboard buried into the side of a tree. After a quick turn of the gold key, the cupboard opened, revealing the golden heart at last. Wil carefully tucked it into his pants, and continued walking around aimlessly.

After what seemed like an eternity, Wil saw strange eyes watching him near a large rock formation. As he was walking on, one of the emeralds dropped out of his pocket. Like a flash, a little elf ran in, grabbed the emerald, and ran off. Thinking slyly yet again, Wil threw the seconod emerald to the ground. The elf grabbed the emerald, and ran off before Wil could catch him.

Finally, Wil took the honeycomb and squeezed its contents onto the ground, creating a pool of sticky honey. He put the remaining beeswax into his pocket, then stepped back and threw the final emerald into the honey. The elf raced and grabbed the emerald, but was immediately caught by the sticky golden liquid.

(Long story short: Wil lets the elf go, and the elf shows him the way out.)

***

The car continued rolling down the road, aimlessly drifting down the long highway. Finally, Galloway woke back up, took the wheel, and took control once again. They pulled off into a parking lot, scrapped off the dead bodies, corn, and other crap, and continued on their way.

***

Santa quickly pulled out his handy cell phone. "Hello? Child Sweat Shop Services? I need a bunch of kids, preferably dressed in the most steretypical outfits of their native lands. Yes, I'll take them in one box. Thank you, good-bye."

***

Val and F. Galloway ran down to the police station, where the RPGC Task Force was preparing for battle. "Uh, guys," said Val, "please step out of the room." Rather than face Val, the Task Force complied.

Val smiled, and struck a dramatic pose. "Now...TO THE ESKER-MOBILE!" She opened a secret doorway, and both Val and F. Galloway slid down a pair of poles into the basement. They jumped into the nearby Esker-Mobile, and crashed through the side of the station.

***

Kiro woke up tied to a chair, in a dark and dank basement. Two large men, holding clubs and various bladed weapons, stood over her.

"A real catgirl," said one of them. "The boss had better pay us good for this one."

"And if not," said the other, "we have ourselves another little toy..." Kiro struggled for her bazooka, only to find it lying far out of reach.

***

Cedric had just finished his last catch when a nearby log rolled out of place, revealing a big hole. A few minutes afterwards, a gasping Wil pulled himself out. "Oh, Wil!" said Cedric. "What took you so long?"

"I DON'T want to talk about it," said Wil. "Let's just say that when an elf says the words 'lovely time,' you run. At least I got a pair of shoes out of the deal." He reached into his pants and pulled out a magnificent pair of shoes, complete with incredibly expensive leather, solid gold buckles, and a very small foot size.

***

The fanatics nestled themselves on one side of the road, their bazookas and guns at the ready.

***

The conspiracy nuts nestled themselves on one side of the road, their bazookas and guns at the ready.

***

"We're almost there," said Gemini. His voice was slightly muffled by the hundreds of road maps that buried him in the back seat.

Elizabeth continued to stare out the window, lost in her own private thoughts. Suddenly, her hair stuck up on end, her eyes widened, and her whole body began to shake. Before anyone knew what happened, she grabbed the steering wheel and pulled the entire car off the road, onto a nice patch of hot dirt and desert sand.

"What the unholy fuck are you doing?" shouted Galloway.

"It's a trap," said Elizabeth. "They've surrounded the road. They'll kill us before we can get within twenty miles of them."

"...how do you know that?" asked Galloway.

"I just do, okay?" shouted Elizabeth. "Call it a...woman's intuition."

"Whatever, catgirl," said Galloway. He climbed of the car and looked down the road. "I'll go check it out, but if you're wrong..." He flew off before he could finish his threat.

***

Wil returned to the singing willow tree. He pulled the heart out of his pockets and presented it to her. The tree let out a squeal of delight, and put the heart close to its "chest." Almost immediately, the tree transformed into a beautiful maiden, exactly as the price had described (and yes, she had clothes on, you sick weirdos).

"I don't need this thing anymore!" she said, tossing the harp aside. "I'm a princess again!"

"My love!" shouted the prince, running towards his long-lost fiance. The two embraced in a passionate kiss, and left for their home land. Wil, meanwhile, examined the harp. Despite having been tossed aside like a plush ball, it was undamaged.

"Nice harp," he said, putting it carefully away. "I could probably make a few bucks off it."

He then went to the gnome, and presented the spinning wheel. "It hasn't been used," said the gnome. "Good thing; this wheel can spin straw into gold, if you know how to use it. Come on, boy, give the man the puppet. I'll make you a new one!"

The little gnome boy handed Wil the puppet, and the two gnomes vanished into the forest, taking the spinning wheel with them.

Finally, Wil returned to the gypsy camp, only to find the wagon gone. The only item remaining was a tamborine, left alone in the field. With nobody around to stop him, Wil took the instrument. He was now only a drum and guitar short of a band.

***

Galloway watched overhead as the two factions watched the road. "I guess she was right," he said to himself. "Well, guess I'd better clear the road."

(one needlessly violent scene later)

Galloway grabbed the last two members of his attackers, both from the different sides of the road. "Alright, which of you killed the Jones family two days ago?"

Both of them shrugged. Galloway's sixth sense failed to go off, causing a long, deep sigh. "Okay, you're telling the truth. Now, go give your bosses a message: if you try to kill me again, I will destroy you all." He then punted them off into the distance.

"That was unnecessary," said a harsh, deep voice. "Neither you nor Trisha would have been killed by such weak weapons."

Galloway turned, only to see a mysterious cloaked figure a good distance away. "Who the hell are you?"

"It is not the time for you to know," said the cloaked figure. "But before you ask, yes, it was my organization that killed the Jones family. We merely wanted to attract your attention."

Galloway seethed with anger. "So this whole thing was a set-up?"

"Not everything," said the cloaked figure. "We did not plan this ambush. Yes, we killed the terrorists, but could not find Trisha. It was not until you contacted the FBI that we realized what had happened. After that, you played into our hands."

"You didn't plan this well, though," said Galloway. "You just revealed your entire scheme."

"Don't be a fool," said the cloaked figure. "You know nothing of our plans. For now, you will continue to the meeting point. There, you will rescue another girl, and we shall give you more information." Before Galloway could do anything, the cloaked figure dissapeared in a vortex of sand.

***

The Esker-mobile raced down the road, reaching speeds of about mach 3. After a few seconds, Val realized she had overshot the target twice. Finally, after destroying about half of Utah (which nobody cares about, anyway), she turned around and raced into the desert southwest.

***

"Was I right?" asked Elizabeth.

"For the eighteenth time, YES!" said Galloway. "We're almost there. Can you two please be quiet for a few hours?"

The little car raced down the fast lane, and entered the laid-back state of Texas.

***

Wil finally found an exit to the woods: a path leading into the mountains. "Oh, that's the route to Mordack's castle," said Cedric.

Wil was about to begin his ascent, when he heard a threatening hissing at his feet, followed by a rattling. He stepped back, and saw a rattlesnake nestled at the foot of the path, hissing angrily at Wil. "Ssssssstay away. Thisssssssssss is my pathhhhhh!"

Mere seconds before he was about to blow his brains out, Wil remembered the snake he had eaten back at Chrispen's house. "Is there any way I can pass?"

"Nooooooo," said the snake. "The only thing that ssssssssscares me is a tamborrrrrrrrine. Play that, and I might sssssssssslither away." Wil pulled out his convenient tamborine, shook it around, and watched as the snake ran away in fear. Now unblocked, he made his way into the mountains.

***

Galloway's car pulled into a small gas station, nestled deep within the desert. As he slowly climbed out, the fat rednecks on the front steps began the mocking. "Well, looks like we got ourselves a big, northern city boy!"

"What? I come from a farm-based city!"

"Driving his fancy little, expensive European import!"

"It's a Honda! And I got it used for $2000!"

"And wearing his fancy, brand-new armor!"

"I've had this stuff for three years!" He finally entered the gas station, mumbling, "Lousy inbreeds," under his breath.

***

"The boss just called," said one of the kidnappers. "He said the girl's useless now."

"Let's have a little fun before we kill her," said the other kidnapper. Kiro just looked on in absolute fear.

Suddenly, the door opened. Galloway stepped inside, holding a half-eaten Snickers and a Big Gulp. "Uh, where's the cash register?"

The two kidnappers turned, their yellowed teeth bared in anger. They grabbed their large clubs and charged at Galloway, screaming like the sick pedophiles they were. They fell silent after Galloway kneed them both hard in the groin.

***

The cloaked figure watched the display with a mixture of joy and anger. "The fool is indeed powerful. Now, he will learn his next clue."

***

Galloway quickly untied Kiro, taking note of her ears. "There sure are a lot of catgirls around here," he said.

"You only noticed that NOW?" said Kiro. "Do you have a way out of here?"

"Of course, 'your majesty,'" said Galloway. He handed her the bazooka in a hurry. "Now, follow me."

The two ran out the the car, jumped in, and drove off in a hurry.

***

Wil continued his climb into the mountains, observing the ever-freezing foliage around him. Finally, he reached a lovely mountain plateu, strangely unaffected by the cold. Before he could do much, though, mindless guards jumped out of nowhere and beat him to the ground.

***

The hillbillies rose to their feet and stepped out of their beloved gas station. "We'll get you, you fucking yankee!" shouted one of them.

"Yeah!" shouted the other. "God's on our side!"

Suddenly, something smashed through their gas station, tearing it (and them) to shreds.

***

"Did we hit something?" asked F. Galloway.

"Nope," said Val.

***

Weiila rocked nervously in the cage, trying in vain to remove the chains. The ninja and remaining followers simply watched her move around, aroused by her young purity.

***

Starstorm rocked nervously in the cage, trying in vain to remove the chains. The ninja and remaining followers simply watched him move around, unaroused by his total lack of purity.

***

The guards marched Wil into a large fortress, built out of a cliff by a large shore. Nearly every inch of the massive place was filled with disshelved, despairing old men, their backs stuck in permenant hunches, their eyes empty of all life. They simply continued to mine and build, never taking so much as a glance at Wil.

Finally, the guards stopped in front of a large cave. They unceremoniously shoved Wilfredo to the ground inside, then turned for the exit. Enraged, Wil tried to launch a massive spell, but his magic only fizzled when he finished the words.

"Your spells will do you no good here," said a crackly, crowny voice. "I have made sure of that."

Wil spun around, and saw yet another hideous witch. This one was dressed completely in black, with a hooked nose, an uncountable number of wrinkles, and almost completely rotted teeth. "Who the hell are you, hag?" shouted Wil.

"My name is Loukhy" said the witch. "Judging from that spell, and your appearance, you seem to be a wizard. Very well, then, I have a deal for you." Wil's eyes bugged out in alarm, fearful of what the witch would want with a big, sexy man like himself.

"I will release you...if you bring me a sampo! ONLY A SAMPO WILL DO!" She then went to attend to some moaning upstairs, as Wilfredo was left to wonder one thing...

What the hell was a sampo?

***

"YOU BROUGHT ANOTHER CATGIRL!" shouted Gemini. Kiro's bazooka was now aimed at Gemini's head.

"She was stuck in a Texas gas station with a couple of down-and-out rednecks!" said Galloway. "These are people that woship high school football and have sex with barn animals! I don't think raping an underage cat girl will be THAT much higher!"

Elizabeth eyed Galloway angrily, as Kiro changed her aim to Galloway's head. "I wouldnt' do that if I were you," said Galloway.

His words were followed by an immediate explosion. When the smoke cleared, the car was badly damaged, and Galloway's body was badly burnt. Fortunately, they were just outside another little gas station.

***

The Esker-mobile pulled into a large parking lot. Val and F. Galloway both climbed out, dizzy and disoriented from their massive driving experience. After a few minutes of puking, they grabbed their stuff and walked down the long, hot path before them. Finally, they reached a sign that read, "ROCK GOURGE: JUST OVER THIS HILL."

"Ah, beautiful Rock Gourge," said Val. "A peaceful week of camping, resting, and killing Glenton." They passed over the hill, and saw the magnificent "ROCK GOURGE" sign...pointing to an eight-foot by ten-foot hole in the ground.

"We're gonna be pretty sick of this place by the end of the week," sighed F. Galloway.

***

"Well, your entire chasis is blown off, your tires and popped, your motor's broken in more ways than I can count, and your airbag's been burnt to a crisp. I'd reckon it'll cost you...$50000."

Galloway looked at the shady repairman, then back at the young catgirl, then back at the repairman. "We'll pay it."

"You boys can catch some food down at the diner," said the repairman. "This'll take us about...a day."

***

The ninjas dragged the tied-down GG down the many halls and stairs of the castle, until he was all bloodied and messy. Finally, they dumped him in front of their head ninja.

A ninja in a purple uniform.

Before GG could shout out a name, the ninja raised his hand. Clouds formed over GG, and a single massive lightning bolt shot out, shocking the swordsman until he was a smoking black. They then loaded his body onto a truck and started driving off.

***

Wilfredo grabbed the heavy, leather-bound book and slammed it squarely on the workbench. After the torrent of dust had settled, he opened the ancient pages and leafed through.

"Here it is!" he shouted. "'How to Make a Sampo. Step 1: Gather needed materials.'" Wil ran through the cave and gathered all the needed stuff. "'Step 2: Find a large, empty chamber, ideally placed by an underwater passage leading outsidfe.'" After a bit more searching, Wil found the perfect spot at the back of the cave. "'Step 3: Get rid of the old man standing behind you.'" Wil turned and shouted at the old man, sending him running off. "'Step 4: Start banging stuff together and saying magic words and phrases and pray you get lucky.'"

***

The ninja-mobile raced down the frozen roads of RPGCity. GG was still tied up in the back, barely alive. The remaining ninjas took turn throwing stuff at things and swapping stories about the idiots they had killed in years past.

Suddenly, the truck stopped. When the ninjas climbed out to inspect, a bloodbath showered every inch of the road. Finally, the truck bed opened, and the RPGC Task Force grabbed GG and dragged him to Poke's police cruiser.

***

Galloway was already halfway through his triple hamburger when the rest of the food was being served. He anxiously looked out the window, watching as the repairmen tried desperately to fix his car.

"It's not like we'll be here all day," said Elizabeth. "I'm sure they'll have it fixed before midnight."

"Maybe that was true back in '67," said Galloway, "but in this day and age, we'll be ancient before they finish. I guess that's what I get for taking a hyperactive, underage catgirl along."

"It was YOUR fault!" said Kiro. "You just HAD to say that catgirls were no better than cows-"

"No, no, no," said Galloway. "I said RAPING an underage cat girl was no better than having sex with a cow. It's a simple matter of taking the quote out of context and using it against me as to justify your blowing up my car."

"Eh, it was old, it's time had come," said Gemini. Nobody bothered to dignify that with an answer.

***

Loukhy and her cronies gathered in the chamber, where Wil showed off his towering stone sampo. He turned a hidden dial, and salt and gold started to pour out of nowhere. The slaves rushed down and grabbed as much of the two wonderful minerals as they could, while the witch nodded approvingly.

"Very good," said Loukhy. "Now, leave my cave, and never return." Wil started to leave the chamber, but the witch suddenly stopped him. "Wait a minute...do you plan on STEALING my precious sampo?"

"I have NO idea what you're talking about!" said Wil.

"You know how a sampo works!" she shouted. "You'll probably steal this to keep me from using it, won't you?!"

"Listen, you old hag," said Wil, "if I wanted that sampo, I could take it right now!"

"O-O-OLD HAG?!" shouted Loukhy. The slaves stood back in fear. "I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S AN OLD HAG!" Wil simply brushed aside, took part of the sampo out of spite, and dove into the water.

The slaves looked around nervously, then started to sing the "Failure" song. Loukhy, meanwhile, stormed to the top of her cave, and pointed to the sun. Almost immediately, the yellow orb fell down from the sky, and went into an unusually large cave.

***

"Oh, Wil!" said Cedric. "What happened?"

Wil looked around, as the entire land became covered with bitter ice and freezing cold. "I think I just made a BIG mistake..."

***

When GG came to, he was lying in a hospital bed. Shalcar was standing overhead, holding a hammer in one hand and a clipboard in the other. "Hello, Mr. Crono," said Shalcar. "Before you ask, you were admitted for a broken arm, two broken legs, three broken ribs, and a broken heart. We also had to transplant a new liver and pancreas, and remove part of your left lung."

"...eh?" said GG.

The rest of the task force quickly entered, followed by Poke. Pierson was the first to speak. "We got you away from the ninjas, but we think their leader escaped. We think they're linked to the dissapearances of Weiila and Starstorm."

"That's why we need your help," said Mabat. "These aren't your garden-variety ninjas. I mean, they took YOU out quite easily."

"Don't remind me," said GG. "This day can't get any worse..."

"Oh, before I forget," said Shalcar. He handed GG a piece of paper. "Here's your bill. It's for $8000." GG quickly collapsed into epileptic fits, while Shalcar glanced back at his watch. "I'm on break."

***

The sun began to set on the horizon. Galloway watched as the rednecks began to disperse to their homes, his car still unfinished. The small group grabbed their doggy bags and started walking down the road for a hotel.

After about a half-mile, they came across an old, run-down shack in the middle of nowhere, with a faded sign that read: "Out-of-the-Way Hotel. Very Cheap Fares." Galloway's eyes popped out at the word "cheap," and dragged everyone else inside.

A fat, drunk, middle-aged woman sat behind a counter, smoking a cigarette. "Uh...we'd like a room," said Galloway.

"Names?" asked the woman, in a voice that would make Roseanne break down in sobs. Of course, everyone quickly obliged. The fat woman reached under the desk and pulled out an enormous binder. After scanning for a while, she looked back at the group.

"Mr. Galloway?" she said. "We don't serve your kind here."

"WHAT?!" shouted Galloway. "What'd I do THIS time?"

"We don't want any pussy liberals hanging around here," she said. "The rest of you can stay, but he'll have to go outside."

"That's it, we're leaving," said Galloway.

"Go ahead and try," said the woman. "The next hotel's about...oh...eighty miles!" She then let out an ear-piercing laugh, as Galloway resigned himself to the porch.

***

Wil struggled to set a fire, but the flames went out the minute he set them. Finally, he used a nulfrost, wrapped himself in a warm blanket, and rested outside of the cave.

As he leaned his head against his backpack, though, he felt something large and out of place. He reached into the bag, and pulled out the large book he got the instructions for the sampo from. Thinking of an idea, he flipped through the pages, until he came upon the entry he needed:

"If a witch steals the sun and plunges the world into eternal winter, you must act quickly. First, wait until dayfall. Second, obtain a magic harp. Third, lure the witch out of her cave. Fourth, play the harp while singing in a beautiful voice. If you can't figure it out after that, you are the dumbest human being alive."

Wil pulled out the harp he got from the tree, and started playing while singing. After Cedric started convulsing and screeching in pain, he realized that he had a few hundred more lessons to go before he could qualify for a singing career, much less witch-busting.

***

The rest of the revivalists walked off to sleep, leaving only the ninja. Weiila leaned forward as far as she could, until she was a few hair's length from the ninja's face. The ninja wore a grey outfit and mask, which did not make it very stealthy. The ninja, however, was also partly faded.

"Just who the hell are you?" snapped Weiila.

"I am Chameleon," said the ninja. "I have worked under the control of these fools for five years."

"Why'd they capture me?"

"They saw you as a fallen angel. They believe that a true angel cannot dwell on this world, so you must have allied yourself with their enemy. Also, they desire to have an offspring with an angel."

Weiila looked at Chameleon. "I was expecting something more vague. Why are you telling me all this?"

"I do not truly work for them," said Chameleon. "My true employer has instructed me to subvert and control these ignorant fools, until the final battle begins. Now, be silent." Chameleon faded away, as Weiila looked around puzzled.

***

The rest of the conspiracy nuts walked off to sleep, leaving only the ninja. Starstorm leaned forward as far as he could, until he was a few hair's length away from the ninja's face. The ninja wore a white uniform and mask, which did not make it very stealth. The ninja, however, was also surrounded by smoke.

"Just who the hell are you?" snapped Star.

"I am Smoke," said the ninja. "I have worked under the control of these fools for five years."

"Why'd they capture me?"

"You are in love with an angel, a representative of their enemies. They have captured you in hopes of punishing you for this insubordination. Also, they wish to have a child with one of the mythical catmen."

Star looked at Smoke. "I was expecting something more vague. Why did you tell me all this?"

"I do not truly work for them," said Smoke. "My true employer has instructed me to subvert and control these ignorant fools, until the final battle begins. Now, be silent." A blast of smoke exploded in front of Smoke, and when it dissapeared, the ninja was gone. Starstorm looked around puzzled.

***

"Damn hicks," said Galloway. "Let's see what they do NEXT time some superpowered evil entity shows up! This night can't get any worse..."

***

The fat woman picked up the phone and punched in a phone number. "Hello, Sherrif? We got ourselves another unpatriotic girly liberal."

***

"This is the worse trip ever," said Val. "I'm sure Rock Ridge looked bigger in the brochures."

"Don't worry," said F. Galloway. "We'll just set up the base camp here..." She pointed to a corner of the hole.

***

Galloway was shivering under his rotted blanket when he saw the big trucks and SUVs pull up. A bunch of rednecks, young and old, fit and unfit, fat and thin, armed and unarmed, climbed out of their vehicles, their stares and lights fixed on Galloway.

"WOOOOOOOOOOOO BOY!" said one of the rednecks. "Looks like we have ourselves another little piggy!" A bunch of banjo cords began to play out of nowhere.

"Can you guys just leave me alone?" moaned Galloway. "I don't have the time to deal with idiots like you."

"Ya hear that, boys?" shouted another redneck. "The coward doesn't want to fight us brave southern boys!" The rednecks broke out into laughter, as Galloway climbed to his feet.

***

"Did you guys hear something?" asked Elizabeth. The front bumper of a truck flew by the room window, followed by the remains of a tow truck.

"Juuuuust ignore it," said Gemini. Kiro crawled closer to Elizabeth, shivering from the bizzare cold. A few rednecks flew by the window, screaming for their mommies.

***

Wil climbed to his feet, and knocked on the door. There was no response. He knocked again, but there was still no response. Finally, he took quite a few steps back, and pushed the remote button.

The extremely-large speakers Wil had summoned from nowhere suddenly erupted with incredibly loud music. Loukhy finally came out, shouting at the top of her lungs. "TURN THAT DAMN MUSIC DOWN! YOU THINK WITCHES DON'T WORK?" Seeing his chance, Wil took up his harp, and-

(SCENE MISSING)

-wall crashed down, releasing the sun upon the world again. The land was instantly thawed, and all was well again. Wil grabbed his stuff, and leaving the remains of Loukhy behind, continued his ascent into the mountains.

***

The next morning, Elizabeth, Gemini and Kiro stepped out of the hotel. A scene of unprecidented carnage awaited them. The sprawled, thrashing bodies of hundreds of rednecks were strewn everywhere, along with the trashed remains of various vehicles, LOTS of guns, and a few other things. In the middle of the disaster, Galloway stood, his eyes half-closed, his breathing heavy.

"Eh?" he asked. "Is it morning already?" He barely sounded concious.

***

The mountain trail continued, ascending higher and higher into the limitless sky. The scenery changed dramatically, as the plant and animal life present began to thin. In its place was natural snowfall and ice, as opposed to the stuff that Loukhy had caused. Also accompaning this change was a massive drop in temperature, as Wil's nulfrost began to wear down almost immediately after he activated it.

***

The revivalists poured into the room, guns at the ready. Their leader climbed to the podium. "Brothers and sisters, I am Reverend Maxwell Goodwright, your beloved leader. Last night, the Lord sent me a dream, one that will bring the world into the light far quicker than before." The crowd shouted in support; Weiila merely groaned.

"We will continue our hunt of d Galloway. However, we must also crush our second enemy. These fools have been against us from the beginning. They make the government look like an evil organization, when it is merely hoping to provide stability. We must crush them!" The crowd cheered; Weiila didn't have any idea what they were talking about.

***

The conspiracy nuts poured into the room, light sabers at the ready. Their leader climbed to the podium. "Fellow freedom fighters, this is Gregory Goodwright, your leader. Last night, the aliens of planet Xeno sent me a message, one that will bring down the Illuminati much more quickly!" The crowd shouted in support; Starstorm merely groaned.

"We will continue our hunt of d Galloway. However, we must also crush our second enemy. These bastards have been against us from the beginning. They force the media to subvert the populace, when they merely want absolute freedom. We must crush them!" The crowd cheered; Starstorm didn't have any idea what they were talking about.

***

"Your car's finished," said the repairman. "Now, get the hell out of town, pinko!" Galloway groaned and shuffled around slightly, but otherwise didn't do anything.

"He's in no shape to drive," said Gemini. "I guess it's my turn." Galloway's eyes snapped open in alarm, but quickly returned to their catatonic state.

***

The purple ninja entered the park, and talked silently with a strange cloaked figure. After a few minutes, the cloaked figure dissapeared, and the purple ninja jumped into a car and drove off.

Mitchell and demigod followed from behind.

***

Wil reached the bottom of a cliff. The path ahead had collapsed, leaving only the one on the higher ledge. Wil threw his rope over a jutting rock, and climbed onto the ledge. He then jumped across a bunch of loose rocks, before swinging across an alligator pit, dodging a scorpion, and grabbing a diamond and a couple bags of gold. Much to his chagrin, Cedric followed him the whole time.

Finally, they reached a path leading down. Before they could continue, though, a wolf ran out of nowhere, grabbed Cedric in its powerful jaws, and dragged the screaming owl down the path. Wil pondered leaving it, but his good side sadly kicked in and forced him to follow.

***

The car struggled along, despite Gemini's insane driving and Galloway's loud snoring. A few cars DID get run off the road, sending their occupants screaming to their untimely deaths, but for the most part, the ride was smooth.

"Do you know where we're going?" asked Elizabeth.

"If I know my brother," said Gemini, "he'd drive along until something jumped out at him."

Suddenly, a large sign jumped out from the side of the road, pointing to a dirt road to the side. The sign read, "UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS RARE EXHIBIT! SEE THE LEGENDARY ARTIFACTS OF THE PHOENIX!"

"...That's good enough for me," said Gemini. They pulled off the road, onto the dirt path, and continued driving.

***

"So, are you still mad about me killing you?" asked Mitchell.

"Not really," said demigod. "I'm immortal, remember? It'll take more than ripping my intestines out and shoving me into cold, shark-infested waters with a big hook stuck in my gut to kill me."

***

The ninja's car raced down the highway for several more miles, then pulled off and into an old parking garage. Mitchell's car followed closely behind.

The ninja's car turned down a corner in the garage. When Mitchell's car followed suit, the ninja-car dissapeared. In its place were an entire legion of ninjas, with more appearing from behind. Mitchell said, "Shit!" and rolled out of the car as the ninja stars went flying, tearing through the delicate metal and windshield.

***

Wil looked down the massive winding slope, leading down to a large plateau. He briefly thought of simply walking down, but the ground at the end was a long stretch supported by nothing. Sighing, he grabbed his sled, took a few steps back, and charged at the slope. He threw himself onto the sled, and rode down the slope, shouting in joy all the way.

When he reached the end of the slope, the ground gave way. The momentum threw him over the pit, and Wil landed full-force on the ground. He picked himself up, but what was left of the sled wasn't so lucky.

He continued walking down the plateau, until he came across the entrance to a massive castle made entirely out of ice. As Wil was about to enter, though, a sad cawing caught his attention. Wil turned, and saw an eagle looking at him, its eyes quivering from hunger.

Once again, Wil's good side took over. He pulled out his leg of lamb and handed it to the eagle. "Here, perhaps this will help you."

The eagle tore into the meat, leaving not a single scrap on the bone. "You are a kind man, to feed a hungry bird on this lonely mountain."

"Well, I couldn't just let you starve to death. What kind of person would I be?"

"I will not forget what you have done for me," said the eagle. "Somehow, I will repay you for your aid." The bird flew off, leaving only Wilfredo and the castle gate. The wizard started to walk through.

Two wolves intercepted him. They grabbed Wil's cloak and pulled him deeper into the castle.

***

The barrage of ninja stars continued, tearing through every corner of the garage. Mitchell retreated to behind some other parked cars, as demigod grabbed his weapon and started fighting the ninjas.

Two ninjas jumped down from the ceiling above demigod, but Mitchell took them both out with one bullet. The ninjas continued their attack, driving demigod farther and farther toward Mitchell and the garage entrance.

***

After about three miles, Galloway's car pulled into a small parking lot. Right next to the lot was a large convention center, strangely placed in the middle of a wasteland. The lot was half-full already, as more and more scientist-types entered the building.

Galloway suddenly woke up, his eyes still glazed over from last night. He looked around blindly as the rest of the merry crew got out of the car.

***

Wil was dragged into a large throne room, made out of a combination of crystal and ice. A woman rose from a throne; her body was a cold blue, her clothing and accessories most certainly of royal origin. Her eyes displayed a sense of deep hatred, as she watched the lowly man before her. To her side was a stone cage, inside of which was Cedric.

"I am Queen Iceabella," said the woman, "ruler of this land. I demand that you kneel before me!" Wil quickly complied with the crazy woman's demands. "Since both you and your companion have thoughtlessly entered my domain without my permission or knowledge, I have decided that you shall both be put to death! Kill him, my pets!"

The wolves closed in, as Wil quickly searched for a way to get rid of them. Finally, out of desperation, he pulled out his harp and started playing. The music quickly reached the ears of the wolves, causing them to relax. Even Iceabella seemed to be affected. After a few minutes, Wil stopped playing.

"That music...I have never heard anything so beautiful," said Iceabella. "I even felt my heart melt a little bit, just enough to allow you a chance for your freedom. A vicious yeti has taken residence in one of my prized crystal caves, and has refused to leave. If you can deal with the yeti, I will release both you and your companion. Take him to the cave, my pet."

A wolf grabbed Wil's cloak and dragged him out of the castle, down another slope, and to the front of a large cave. "Yonder's the crystal cave," said the wolf. "There, you will find the yeti."

"Just great," said Wil. "Now I have to fight a yeti for an evil queen."

"WHAT?!"

"Nothing, Mr. Wolf."

***

Galloway, Elizabeth, Gemini, and Kiro joined the tour group already inside the building. Around them were numerous artifacts, all bearing the symbol of a flaming bird.

"These relics were found deep within the Mediterranian," said the tour guide. "Strangely, they were all located within a fifteen-mile radius, and were possibly linked to Atlantis."

Galloway sighed. "EVERYTHING'S linked to Atlantis nowadays."

The tour guide led them through the relics, giving boring background info and useless tidbits of what drunk scientists thought they were used for. Finally, they came to the end of the exhibit. Inside a large display case was a long, golden staff, with a large phoenix headpiece. Resting by it was a large red jewel.

"This is the crowning jewel of the collection," said the tour guide. "This staff, despite being thousands of years old, has remained virtually untouched by rust. The jewel was also found alongside it, and some force has made it impossible for the two objects to be more than fifteen feet from each other. Documents have called it the 'Phoenix Staff,' and claim it contains the essence of an actual phoenix."

"Boooooring," yawned Kiro.

"Museums haven't changed at all in 35 years," moaned Elizabeth.

"What a useless story," sighed Galloway.

"Amazing," said Gemini. "Maybe the staff really does have power..."

"And that concludes our tour," said the guide. "Be sure to experience the mystery and adventure of our gift shop." The tour group ran off, leaving only Gemini behind.

As he was leaning closer to the staff, though, the alarms suddenly went off. The nearby wall smashed down, revealing a cloaked figure and several spear-wielding monsters.

***

Wil approached the cave, his eyes peeled for danger. The yeti, naturally, rushed out the instant he got too close. Panicing, Wil grabbed his custard pie and threw it into the monster's face. The creature clawed at the pan, wandering around aimlessly at the same time. Finally, it fell off a nearby cliff to its death. Wil entered the cave, grabbed a crystal, and returned to the wolf.

"I see that the yeti is dead," said the wolf. "Queen Iceabella will be pleased. Now, come." The wolf dragged Wil back up the slope, and back to the castle.

*** Click Here To Continue

Maintained by:

d Galloway (Insert Image Here)