Fanfic quotes

When you read through the fics of the archives, are there any certain sentences and things that the characters splurt out that you find so great/thoughtful/funny that you just have to share them with the rest of us? Well then, just send them to me or post them in this thread on the media board.
The rules are as follows:

1. Only quotes from fics in this archive, no outter sources.

2. Don't take a chunk of the most dramatic point of the story, ie a fullgrown spoiler (with that I mean the entire "The murderer is...!" part). Taking out one or two lines/things said can seldom do that though, so don't be too worried about it.

3. That's about it :)

Note: The quotes will be sorted by the name of the submitter, not by author, title or game.

I think the Council would do well to judge me by the end results.
I think you would do well to kiss your ass goodbye.

-"On Earth as it is in Hell" by CalebNova

Why do all those small candy bars say 'fun size' on them? There's nothing fun about a small candy bar.
-Zell Dincht

"On Earth as it is in Hell" by CalebNova

Submitted by CalebNova

*Edward comes out of hiding*
Edward: Is Tellah gone?
*Tellah jumps out of nowhere and hits Edward on the top of the head*
Tellah: At last! Revenge for Anna!
Edward:...*is revived instantly* of all people should know-no FF character can die in the break room!
Tellah: Then why the hell were you hiding?
Edward: Um...because it's my instinct?
Edward: DON'T EVER CALL ME THAT! *hides*

-"The Final Fantasy Breakroom 2" by d_Galloway

*a guy in black armor flies up. His head is completely covered by a helmet, various weapons of destruction are attached to the armor, and a jetpack is attached to his back*
Guy: I am Mox!
Black Mage: Mox? What kind of a name is that?
Tellah: And black armor? That's SO old!
Kefka: And guns? Only wimps would use guns!
Zell: And a helmet? I've seen that a million times!
Squall: And that jetpack? That's-
Mox: All right! The armor is very steriotypical! But you will soon perish!
Vivi: Let's get it on!
Mox:...did you just hit on me?
Sephiroth: Great. Steriotypical AND stupid.

-"The Final Fantasy Breakroom 5" by d_Galloway

*a back wall blows down. Black Mage enters* Black Mage: How dare you! YOU PROMISED ME PIE!!! *hadoukens Bobby out of the castle*

-"The Final Fantasy Breakroom 8" by d_Galloway

"Sabin?" Locke asked. "Is that you?"
"No." Sabin replied with a smile. "I'm Sabin's twin brother Barn."
"Sabin and Edgar never said anything about a third twin."
Sabin laughed. "So how have you been, Locke?"
"Well how much did Edgar and Sabin tell you about me?"
Sabin stared blankly at Locke. "Locke?" he asked.
"Do you know who I am?"
"You're Barn."
Sabin frowned. "Locke, how many people are in a set of twins?"
"And how many people and Edgar, Sabin and Barn?"
"So..." Sabin prompted.
"You're...weird twins?" Locke guessed.

-"The World Goes to Hell and It's all Locke's Fault" by Cody and Charles Faraone

"Aren't you forgetting someone?" Lugae asked.
"No." Locke answered.
"You sure?"
"I don't think so."
"Ok." Locke said. "If you're so sure there's someone I'm forgetting, then we'll play twenty questions."
"That's stupid, I can just tell you it's-"
"Shudup!" Locke screamed. "I said we're playing twenty questions!"
"Fine." Lugae sighed.
"Ok. Are you an animal?"
"I just said it was a person you were forgetting."
"Yes or no answers only!" Locke said.
"Are you a plant?"
"Are you a... person?"
"Harder then I thought... Are you...a man?"
"Are you a woman?"
"You're wasting questions that-"
"Shut up! Yes or no?"
"Are you under three feet tall?"
"Are you over seven feet tall?"
"Hmm... That leaves most of the people on the planet... Are you... over three feet tall, but under seven feet?"
Lugae sighed. "Yes."
"Hmm... Do I know you?"
"Do I like you?"
"Do you?"
"I like you."
"Then yes."
"Are you one of the Light Warriors?"
"Hey! I just narrowed it down to three with one question! I am the Hand of God!"
"Do you think you can get it now?" Lugae asked.
"Sure! Are you Relm?"
"Are you Celes?"
"Darn! I thought a had it! What happened to my wife anyway?
"No." Lugae said.
"This is really tough. Could you give me a hint?"
"Espers!" Lugae exclaimed.
"Oh, Her."
"Yes." Lugae said.
Locke rolled his eyes. "Are you Terra?"
"Yes, damnit. Now why did we have to do that?!"
"You're Terra? I though you looked different."

-"The World Goes to Hell and It's all Locke's Fault" by Cody and Charles Faraone

Weiila note: This is really a bit long for a quote but I'll let it pass :)

A shadow fell over the whole castle as Locke's army pushed the largest set of speakers Edgar had ever seen into position.
As the army drew near, the sound became clear enough to understand.
It was Locke, singing quite badly over the 200 foot speakers.
(Which really only had a five foot woofer inside, but Locke didn't know that.)
The clapping of the army was like thunder, followed by thousands of voices in chorus: "Deep in the heart, of Texas."
Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap.
"Deep in the heart, of Texas."
Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap.
"Deep in the heart of Texas."

-"The World Goes to Hell and It's all Locke's Fault" by Cody and Charles Faraone

And on the seventh day, Edgar realized that he still had the view point.
Edgar was quite embarrassed that everything he had done over the past week had become part of the story. He was relived to discover that it had only been quick descriptions.

-"The World Goes to Hell and It's all Locke's Fault" by Cody and Charles Faraone

Submitted by Dark Paladin

"She was expecting Impa to send her a champion, a warrior of unparalleled courage and skill, with sword and sorcery at his command..."
"And her every desire was fulfilled. I would not be, um, shall we say, living impaired, if thou were not all that she had expected."
"Yes... but she was expecting me to look more like the guy on the cover of the romance novel she was reading at the time. Phlavio or something like that."
"Ph-Phla-thou dost mean the muscle bound pirate king from the books I did grant her in her boredom? Tooled like a stallion, and with tresses unto a golden shower?"
"That's the one." I waited for Ganon's laughter to die down. And waited. Finally, I continued. "She was... polite about it, and everything. She wasn't too obvious about her dissapointment."

- "My dearest Enemy" by Archone

Soon, they were safely outside Tantagel Castle. With a quiet sigh, Nester carried Gwaelin through the halls of the construct, to the stairs. With a quiet sigh that was not quite a whimper, he began to churn his way up the stone steps, all the while carrying an a double armload of Princess. - "But Thou MUST!" by Archone
Submitted by Ersatz Sobriquet

"As a soldier, the word 'party' always involved lots of beer and property damage.”

-"A Knight of Spira" by Refugee

"Friends don’t let friends suffocate, Selphie.”

-"A Knight of Spira" by Refugee

A depressed looking Irvine then came into the room. Laguna decided he was going to need more scotch if he was going to keep playing counselor.

-"A Knight of Spira" by Refugee

“How’d you let Wakka know you were interested in him?”
“I tried many methods. Finally I gave up and hit him in the head with a brick.”
Lulu laughed. “No, but believe me I did consider it.”
-Rikku and Lulu

-"A Knight of Spira" by Refugee

Submitted by GG Crono 4

He placed the baby in her arms and she looked at her tiny son, "Seifer," she named him. "You're going to be the nicest, most considerate person," she promised him, "I'll make sure of it. You'll be nothing like your dad!"

-"Thursday" in Aliena's "Days' Child" Series.

One of the other imps speaks up, "Yeah, I got a question. What did this creature ever do to us?"
"It continually raids our bushes and continues to steals our vital resources!" the gray imps bellows in a matter-of-factly voice.
We all just look at each other. What the freak is this nut talking about??!! We have vital resources in our bushes? This makes no sense. We don't even know each other's name! For some strange reason, we're not suppose to know each other according to the counsel, because we "possibly might become too attached to each other and try to conspire a plan to overthrow the counsel of reason."

-"Compulsory Duty" by Ersatz Sobriquet (it was SO hard to pick just one quote from this one)

Submitted by KaiserVonAlmasy

"Not that Squall would have been much help in that regard. His friend had generally regarded women as either furniture, fighting companions, or pests to be avoided at all costs."

-"Griever Chronicles: Zell" by Larathia

Submitted by LunarCry

"It is perfectly fair, unless you want to raise an objection with the manager," Sephiroth said.
"Who's the manager?"
"My Masamune."

-Don't come into this Coffee Shop by Akuo

Submitted by Pierson

"Ha ha ha ha! (paus) Did you just call me 'Dalti-Palti'?"

-"In another dimension... Maybe..." by Eihra

Submitted by Pokefreak_85

"Okay, what do you have planned? Most importantly, does it involve any weapons of mass destruction?"

"Castles in the Sky" by Ashbear

Laguna: [Shoves the Bible in her face again] The power of Christ compels you!
Edea: No it doesn’t.

-"Scenes from a Parallel Universe: FF8" by KaiserVonAlmasy

Laguna: The power…how about Odin? Does the power of Odin compel you?
Edea: ...

-"Scenes from a Parallel Universe: FF8" by KaiserVonAlmasy

Laguna: The power of Hyne commands you!
Edea: Oh, come on, now you’re just making them up!
Laguna: [frustrated] Christ!
Edea: You tried that one several times already.

-"Scenes from a Parallel Universe: FF8" by KaiserVonAlmasy

"You know we're friends, we've always been friends, and we'll always be friends. Now get over there and fly, dumb ass."
- Raine

"The Sorceress War" by Skyknight

"Holy crap! How much shit did we all blow up when we were down there?"
- Epsilon

"The Sorceress War" by Skyknight

"And, Navradski. Video games are not bad! Say it again and I'll whip you to death."
- Celeste Trepe

"The Sorceress War" by Skyknight

"Oh, make me a man Quisty, PLEASE! You can whip me all night long!"
- Mantastic_Man/Irvine

"Welcome to the Balamb Garden Network" by Ashbear and Wayward Tempest

"the day I can’t push Quisty’s buttons is the day Selphie chains me naked to the wall, do a strip tease in front of me and perform blatant sex acts upon my person!"
- Mantastic_Man/Irvine

"Welcome to the Balamb Garden Network" by Ashbear and Wayward Tempest

"Using my kredit kard to purchase guardian forces on Ebay!! KURSE you all! "
- Ultimecia/Rinoa

"Welcome to the Balamb Garden Network" by Ashbear and Wayward Tempest

- Zell

"The FF Breakroom" by d_Galloway

"A God just told me to fuck myself"

"On Earth as it is in Hell" by Caleb Nova

"The only people I have on my side are the woman who accused me of murder, the guy who ordered my murder, and the asshole who actually tried to murder me. Oh yes, fate was laughing at this one."
- Rinoa

"Crimson Lies" by Ashbear

"When something bad happens, something good's around the corner..."
- Selphie

"Sunday's Child" by Lady Aliena

"I looked up and saw a shooting star… My first thought: ‘there goes another celestial mass into oblivion.’ "

"yeah; I liked her...and her skirt."
- Squall

"Place in the World" by Ashbear

"while we are on the subject of rumors, let me dispel the Quistis one right now. She is one of my best friends. We do not hate each other, nor do we have catfights…in the shower."
- Rinoa

"Place in the World" by Ashbear

“My name is Squall Leonheart. I am a person just like you. I’m not forty feet tall, I don’t breathe fire, I don’t eat breakfast and then go out and save the world every day. I snore, I drink too much coffee in the morning, and I can’t cook worth a damn. I’m just like anyone else. /.../"
- Squalls speech

"A Knight of Spira" by Refugee

“Irvine, you’re a genius! I take back all my bad thoughts about you.”
“Uh. Thanks, I guess.”
- Laguna to Irvine

"A Knight of Spira" by Refugee

"/.../ Somehow I thought the founding of our language would be grander than that.”
- Cid

"A Knight of Spira" by Refugee

Edea: We would recommend killing both of them, then feasting on their respective flesh. Whichever better conformed to your taste would be your choice.
Selphie: But then they’d both be dead.
Edea: Exactly our point. It’s a plan with no downside. A veritable win/win situation.

- "Scenes from a Parallel Universe" by Kaiser Von Almasy

"I am Uber SeeD! One and only!!"
- Zell

"The Seven Souls" by Last Cataclysm

Submitted by redshuriken

"Me neither," Magus said, "I even called you 'a half-breed between a goblin and Ozzie's last girlfriend' last time we fought. I'm getting out of ideas."
There was a silence, when everybody tried to figure out who'd be stupid enough to date Ozzie.
"I know I'll regret this, but...?" Marle finally said.
Magus shook his head and pulled a rare face of disgust.
"Flea." he said.
-Magus and Marle

-"Bored Beyond Compare" by Weiila

"So when do they plan to burn me by the stake?" he muttered, "you can't be serious about that they will just let me walk away."

-"Magus' Quest" by Weiila

Submitted by Sapphire Falcon

"Fuck you man. Fuck you up the ass."
"I'm sure you'd like that."
"Shut your cake hole, faggot."
"I'm not going to take being called a faggot from the guy who wanted to do me up the ass, you little turd burglar."
-Irvine and Zell

-"On Earth as it is in Hell" by Caleb Nova

Of all the people he could have been forced to go with, it had to be someone he knew and actually liked. Now what lay ahead was not simple humiliation, but a mental ass raping. What was he going to do?
- Scott thinking

-"On Earth as it is in Hell" by Caleb Nova

Submitted by Sephiroth Hayes/Azrael

"Don’t you even *think* about sweet talking your way out of this!"
"I *never* sweet-talked--" Another shove to the chest. Right. Shut up. Gotcha.
-Cid Highwind

"Honey, Vanilla, and Satin" by SilverKnight

'Deer caught in headlights, deer caught in headlights...please, God, don’t make me look like a deer caught in headlights...
She smirks. Yup. My fucking luck.'
-Cid Highwind

"Honey, Vanilla, and Satin" by SilverKnight

Submitted by SilverKnight

I think the Council would do well to judge me by the end results.
I think you would do well to kiss your ass goodbye.

-"On Earth as it is in Hell" by CalebNova

: I leave you alone for 5 minutes Irvine, 5 minutes, and I come back and find you with your tongue down another woman's throat!!!!!!!!!
: But Sephie, I already told you, she stopped breathing, I was performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! Honest!
: A non-breathing woman couldn't grab your ass like she did!
: Her body had gone into convulsions I was trying to restrain her!
: With your tongue!
: I had to make sure her air passages were clear!

-Selphie to Irvine

"Welcome to the Balamb Garden Network" by Ashbear and Wayward Tempest

Submitted by Ultial

"You know... it IS just like old times... we used to laugh about battles like this all the time, about how goblins wouldn’t stop coming, yelling at monsters to retreat, even though they didn’t know what we were saying..."

"Feral wind" by good ol' Mazrim Taim

"Damnit Rubicant! You punctured my lung again!"

"Enter a Warmage" by Starstorm

"Um, does this place seem a little...creepy?"

"The FF break room: Attack of the Dark Fics" by d_Galloway

"He's the smartest dumbass I know."

"Completion" by drakonlily

It was like some parallel-universe…and Squall was a sixty-year-old nurse from hell.

"Castles in the Sky" by Ashbear


"Flowers Grow" by Prometheus

I know the SeeD cadet uniforms are short…yeah…a little strange if you ask me. I'm wondering now who designed them…Cid or Norg…both possibilities are frightening.
-Squall thinking

"Place in this World" by Ashbear

'Quiet you vacuous bubble of dark matter and let me finish!'
-Bahamut to Diablos

"Diamond Dust" by Pierson

Great. The joys of guarding a teenage summoner. The number of hormones flying around will kill me. Again.

"Unintentional" by Rinoa Heartilly

"Kiros? You might want to send a lot of transports out here. Something just happened to O Lab. What happened? Oh, I just blew it up."

"A Knight of Spira" by Refugee

"Blah, blah, blah… we know, there is no escape for us, and we should fall down and tremble before your power."

"A Knight of Spira" by Refugee

"Get thee hence Dragon Emperor!"

"Mana Knights Anonymous" by RyuuLord77

“Thou dost take it on… to take it off.”
-Gwaelin explaining a lingerie

"But Thou MUST" by Archone

"/.../And how in the hell am I supposed to find anything on here? It’s clean! I can’t concentrate with all this cleanliness going on…I thrive in mess."

"Dancing in Time" by Ashbear

Submitted by Weiila

Evil, who needs evil, all you need is power…and a good theme tune.

-"Don't Come Into This Coffee Shop" by Akuo.

Kenny: *magically reappears*
Bahamut: *fries Kenny*
Kenny: *dies*

-"SUPER-HAPPY-BIG-BIG FF break room!!!" by d_Galloway

I did not cry any more that night, believing you to be the Phoenix that had died but never really deceased.

-"Oneesama E" by by Morgaine MacLir.

Submitted by wingnut