Mailbag

Welcome, everyone, to another SPECTACULAR round of magic and mayhem, Mailbag Style! It's time for another edition of: Mailbag Free For All!

Aww peas. Well, at least let's look at a few items of interest before we proceed further. First, THREE whopping hugeass demos of interest in the past week or so: Dungeon Siege 2 weighed in at 1.5 fricking GB. Zipped! So far I like what I see for the most part, though it could use some refining here and there, and a few of my questions (such as whether the monsters respawn so you can level up at your leisure like you could in Diablo 2) remain unanswered. F.E.A.R. wasn't as big a file but has reduced my computer to a snail's crawl even at bare minimum graphics settings; still, I liked what I saw. And Dragonshard, umm, I haven't installed yet. Whoops.

Second, "My Tank is Fight". No, it's not just an vague, oddly worded threat; it's the title of an upcoming book based on a series of articles at Something Awful regarding fantastically bizarre, outlandish, or otherwise weird weapons of World War 2. It's not side-splittingly funny, but it IS humorous (bonus points for Carmen Sandiego/Rockapella reference); the majority of the entertainment comes from the detailed descriptions of some of the sheerly audacious weapons. Most (but not all) of this stuff was basically hare-brained Nazi mad scientist material, like the "Amerika Bomber", a proposal for a massive plane that would be launched by a rocket from a runway of two or more miles of train track, which would then achieve sub-orbital flight paths that would theoretically allow it to bomb as far away as the US, hence the name. If you haven't read the articles, I suggest you start there to get a taste for what's to come; then check out the mailing list and sign up to get tantalizing updates, and perhaps even win a prize!

I blame it on Ozzie.
That was obviously just an excuse so you could blow him up again.
Which you would not do for MY cause.

Umm, what? You looked at a picture of Kuja, after specifically asking us not to show you one, then you exploded. You have no one to blame but yourself.

Hmmmmm..... another free for all........ well I saw you with.....*Is hit by Ragnarok buster*
Oh great..... now I'm a copy Final Fantasy: The Spirits within! AHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHH

I MIGHT re-continue the Battle Royale, now that participation is up. Villain's round would be next.

You think you're (there! I corrected it! happy?! HAPPY?!) so tough just beacause you have gold armor!
Well take a look at THIS!
*Strikes you with your mortal weakness, breaking your gold armor*
*Kicks you in the head*
*Castrates you*
Ha! Have babies NOW!

Sorry, couldn't back that up.
Ah..... well... enjoy hell!
*Destroys himself beacause he's a copy of Spirits within*
*Kills everyone on the mailbag because of the self-destruct*

Hello Mr. Megaman! Self-proclaimed newbie BlazingRagnarok here! So the topic is a free-for-all, huh? Well this let's me get a few rants off my chest. First off: who do you think is the cooler Jedi, Mace Windu or Darth Maul. Personally, I think it's a tough call. I mean Mace Windu is like the Mr. T of the Jedi (I pity the foo' who don't like Mr. T!), but Darth Maul has that whole facial tattoo and double-ended lightsaber thing going for him.

Speaking of which, let get a somewhat related lament off: Why George Lucus, why did you to kill off the coolest characters right away? I mean, why did you kill off Qui-Gon and Darth Maul in Episode I, Jango Fett in Episode II, and countless others and yet let Jar-Jar Binks live through the entire prequel trilogy?

Because George Lucas is a batshit insane whore fueled by ego inflation that he's recieved ever since this whole Star Wars debacle started?

*ahem* Now then, with that out of the way, let's move on to my next subject: In Chrono Trigger, you will recall that Ozzie VIII was the elder of Medina Village and a decedent of Ozzie. Which brings up the subject, what Mystic would..., you know, with Ozzie's fat ass? Brrr, I just had horrible mental image there.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWW...I think you're the first person I've ever known to actually bring up that quandry. I've never given that a thought before...ugh...I'd propose he reproduces via mitosis, but he never even HEARD of mitosis, so...*shudder*

Normally I'm against spaying and neutering one's pets, but in this case I'll make an exception and simultaneously declare Ozzie a pet AND Genis a liscenced Veterinarian, and you all can do the math.

Lastly, I ask you: who do you think is the stranger RPG character Quina in Final Fantasy IX or Mizuti in Baiten Kaitos? Personally, I think Quina, because Mizuti was human and you learned that is was a she (sorry, minor spoiler there), while Quina, is well, Quina!

Well, Mizuti at least made sense towards the end; we found out that she was, in fact, a she (which I assumed right off the bat, anyway, I mean, her dress alone...hmm, this could have gone in the prior mailbag), and we found out why she was wearing a mask. The only thing that didn't really make sense was why she referred to herself in the third person when none of her people did that, and why her voice changed when she wore the mask, when that too was something only she and no other surface-dwellers did. Quina, on the other hand...Not having played FF9, I don't know how much exposition Quina got, but apparently it wasn't much. We still don't know if it's a he or a she. Thanks to the efforts of one SpoonyBard I was temporarily swallowed whole by Quina and had to spend a whole round of combat inside its' digestive tract, and being in such a position gave me no insight as to the issue. Ugh...that was most unpleasant an episode.

That's all for this mailbag! See you around!
P.S. Would you have Geneis sodomize Ozzie for me? Thanks.

Well, you could try spelling his name right, he'd probably appreciate it. Not that it matters now; if all the high-pitched screaming and yelling is any indication, Ozzie's in enough pain as it is. Sodomizing him would serve little purpose. But you're just a newbie; you'll get the hang of this. Stick around! Especially since Joe's stepping up to the plate!

Free for all yay! Pie for everyone! oh ozzie... I made this pie especially for you *brandishes Pie filled with several hunting knifes, switchblades, shanks, and Jack Tacos (kudos if you get the reference)* here catch! *throws pie at Ozzie*

Whoa there cowboy *intercepts that pie* No sense wasting this on Ozzie. I think I'll partake of this myself. Do continue, though.

lessee...I can talk about anything here, so how about palindromes? sure there are easy ones like Hannah and Otto and race car...then advanced ones like UFO tofu and Lonely tylenol but how about Rats live on no evil Star? Or "Do Nine men interpret?" "Nine men" I nod (I had to add the punctuation ^^;)

Evil Joe: wait, what's a palindrome?
Joe: why aren't you dead from the poison pie I fed you?
Evil Joe: oh that must be that funny taste...and why I can't feel my eyeballs...
Joe: oh it just hasn't taken full effect yet, well ok since you're dying I'll tell ya, a palindrome is a word or series of words that read the same forwards and backwards
Evil Joe: *foams at the mouth and gags before his eyeballs begin bleeding and he falls to the floor motionless*
Joe: hmm...he looks kinda like me after a Lan party where alcohol is served...except you know, not dead...

Eww, was the eyeballs part really neccessary? Great, now I have to clean this up, don't I? CLEANUP!

Detonating oneself over the target gets the job done...sorta. Look, you can't see any Evil Joe bits lying around anymore, can you?

Look, the point is, where once he lay/looking like Natalle Holloway/The Prinnies doth come to end his stay/With a forceful explosion and shrapnel spray.

That...was oddly beautiful. I'm not sure whether to applaud or slowly back away now...

Hmm well I guess I've wasted enough of your ti- wait a minute! a few mailbags ago you said you should buy me a pizza or something! is that offer still good? I hope so because I really love pizza!

Well, you've got plenty of Evil Joe/Prinny pizza spread around the place to choose from, so be my guest.

well if so let me know next mailba-WHY ARE YOU NOT DEAD OZZIE?!?! *Nukes Ozzie with a Panzer Faust*

there now I can disappear with a clear mind (thats your cue Mr. Cage!)
*bursts into Dark flames and disappears within them*
(that is Johnny Cage who pops on the side of the screen and says Toasty! right?)

What?! No! That's Dan Forden, the sound guy for MK. Cage wasn't even ALIVE in the third game.

A Double Damage free for all, eh? I think I'd like to say /do something like this:

Ozzie only fainted? You've got to do better than THAT. This isn't Pokemon, this is PokeMURDER. Also, it was a reference to something specific, albiet obscure. Let's see how well Lady Pyrefly took it to heart!

As you said last mailbag, "If it moves, shoot it. If it doesn't move, shoot it anyway, just to be sure. And if it shoots back, dodge." Taking that to heart, I would like to use this opportunity to shoot Ozzie. *shoots Ozzie* And, while I'm here, *shoots Megman* *dodges Megaman's fire* And we're back to where we started from. Yay!

P.S. Sorry for the randomness. But, in my defense, it IS a free for all, and I'm sugar high off Pringles and grapefruit juice.

What a bizarre combination. Not that it'll matter when I back over you in a Hellbender in retaliation. Three times, because you sent this e-mail in triplicate for no apparent reason. Anyway, here's another newbie who's here to rant on stuff in general.

I just read the mailbag (last month's) about the homosexual characters and it seems like a lot of people took the question differently then I did. I never looked at Cloud or Flea as gay. In fact, I didn't even see much homosexuality at all in video games, much less RPGs. Plenty of games have female leads and that doesn't make them less fun to play (for me, being a guy) then if there was a male lead. In fact, I enjoy games like Lethal Enforcers where there is a choice between a guy and a girl so you don't eliminate half the people at a party from playing a game.

Since when does not having the option to play as a girl stop girls from being able to play? And what parties are you going to that have exactly 50/50 male to female ratios? Are you just that smooth?

As for sex appeal, a big breasted girl is going to go a lot farther then a big muscle guy. Even still, games like Rumble Roses is really only a novelty: women aren't buying. Homosexuality in RPGs, I think, is mostly dependent on the player. If you play FF7 to get Cloud to date Barrett, then you added the element of homosexuality to the game. If you choose the to be a hero whose gender differs from your own (Pokemon) then you've again added that (homosexual) aspect to the game.

Umm, I think you contradicted yourself a couple times...lemme try to clarify; Rumble Roses? The fighter from Konami that had all girls in skimpy clothing and little in the way of real gameplay? Who said that was marketed towards women? And I don't think Cloud dating Barrett was homosexual, just a joke outcome put in by the game developers.

RPGs aren't supposed to be about the "real" world anyway! I mean, how often have you walked outside and been attacked by a living puddle, killed it with your sword and found gold coins after it dissolved? As a fantasy outlet, the real world should only effect RPGs to a minimum, else you're playing Sim City or something... That's right: a game about real life. (How boring...)

*shakes and trembles uncontrollably* WwwwWhaaAaat ttthhheee hhhHHHhhheeelllLLLLLLlll???!!!???

Well, enough of that. I dunno what policy is for mailbag entries, but I bet you'll be getting a good amount of feedback after last month's, so I helped out a bit. ...maybe...

PS: For future mailbag topic, how about what makes video game characters believable? I think that would stir up a lot of comments, no?

I think that's been done to death; anything that could be said has been. By you. LOLOLOLOLOL n00b I got your zip code now-I mean, umm, please don't hesitate to write in again, though?

Possibly because the next entrant is named "LordRetard". I...let's just see what he has to say before we dig ourselves any deeper, shall we?

Eh, LordRetard here. Bwaarg, I wrote an entry to the mailbag. Be happy. I have a few things to talk about�

First off, don't feel guilty about Rountree. Some earlier mailbags didn't even accept every entry, as I recall (so it might totally be a lie). It was an honest mistake, anyway.

Well, given that I don't get nearly as much participation as Cid or Macc used to, I try to include everyone if at all possible, only refusing to include someone's entry if I judge it to be really inappropriate for whatever reason. Except Rountree...well, you said it, it was an honest mistake. But then again, so was he. OH YES, I WENT THERE.

On the subject of the same email, I'd like to mention a similar game to Live A Live; Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem. Okay, not very similar, but the basic concept is the same; you go through several different times and places to finish the game. I'd recommend the game to anyone, particularly those who were fascinated with Live A Live's concept.

Now, I'd like to move onto my next issue, that of the new Harry Potter book and also "spoiling" books. May I ask, why would a book be ruined just because you know how it ends? That doesn't even go into detail about the middle of the book. If your book can be ruined just by knowing the ending, it's probably not that good of a book, because a *good* book would be interesting to read anyway. If interest in your book can only be maintained by wondering "hmm, I wonder how it ends" (even though the Harry Potter books generally end with the same concept, something assumed during the book turns out to be false), then it can't be a good book. Some better books explain the ending *before* starting the book, and they've turned out fine (most notably some mystery novels).

Finally, a question: would you consider Eternal Darkness or the Resident Evil series to be RPGs? I've briefly considered shrining one of 'em, and I think it's an idea that I might pursue, however Dalton of Zeal (who now maintains the Join Page, if I recall correctly) has not replied to my emails asking if they'd be considered RPGs. For one, Eternal Darkness is referenced on Merlin's staff page.

Well, Dalton IS a horrible person, as I've mentioned before, but since you're a Lord and not a Lady I can only assume his lack of response is for some other reason. I wouldn't consider Eternal Darkness an RPG, having played through most of it myself; very few RPG elements. Sure, there's health and mana, but your characters don't actually grow and increase in ability. As for Resident Evil...the only main game I've played is RE4, which, though it had some RPG elements, would not likely be considered shrinable either, and I'm told it's the most RPGish of the bunch. Barring some very RPG-ish side game (I've also played Resident Evil Gaiden, and I would be hard pressed to consider it for shrining either) that has fallen under our radar, I'd say...shoot Dalton in the head with a shotgun. Just to make sure.

I'll hit on each of the points you outlined on the main page, feel free to use only pieces of my mail if you like.

So are we allowed to talk about the hot coffee mod, or what? Honestly, i have rather mixed feelings about it, and them stem from 4 things.

1. Unfinished code is just that...UNFINISHED. It wasn't intended to be seen by the public. The fact that the media is playing this story to be "your son/daughter can watch porn by hitting the x button!" is infuriating. I doubt Johnny-8-year-old is going to crack his PC game just to see some naked boobies.

2. Rockstar has no room to say ANYTHING. Again, the code was an unfinished island. Why in gods name was it in there in the first place?

Rockstar, unfortunately, has shown little effort in adequately debugging their games, especially the PC ports. I personally think Hot Coffee should be a wake up call to a LOT of game developers to get their coding right THE FIRST TIME rathar than rely on patches, a trend which has become more and more dissapointing. This could have been easily preventable.

3. Content like this has been in games for YEARS. Why all of a sudden are we appalled? For fucks sake, even SIMCOPTER had porn extras! (you could see men touching each other naked in one of the rooms if you did some code...google it if ye doubt the claim!). And remember shufflepuck cafe? The one chick showed bewbs if you beat her. Why are we all now shocked?

I'm sorry, I can't let this one go. Shufflepuck Cafe? That has GOT to be fake. Also, nobody spells it "bewbs" unless they're trying to imitate those 6th grade hooligans from South Park.

4. The floodgates are now open. Now that these psycho parents have a rallying point, i think we're going to see some real changes in the games industry. Remember back a few years ago when Greece and Australia were banning games left and right? And we all thought it could never happen here? Well guess what, its about to. Now that the politicians are angered (and its someone other than lieberman), and the uninformed public has been successfully brainwashed, the stage is set for super-strict laws against graphic games. I hear some parents are even picketing Rockstar north, trying to get them to stop producing the new game "bully". Thats definitely a step up, i can't remember a time when the protests spilled over into real life like that.

Honestly, this blizzard news doesn't matter to me much at all. Like you said, most of the blizzard we know and love is gone, long gone. The people responsible for their most beloved games have jumped ship long ago. I really don't even care for the company anymore, honestly. WC3 wasn't my cup of tea, and i just can't seem to get into WoW like other people. =\

I loved WC3, but The Frozen Throne felt like one big shark-jump (or should that be naga-jump?) what with all the stuff they tried to pile on haphazardly. I don't think I could be coerced into trying WoW, let alone paying for it.

But what i'd LOVE for them to do is...a starcraft remake. I know, i know, such a clich� dream...but i think mine is a little more realistic. In response to WestWood's packs of the classic C&C games, blizzard has come out with "BattleChest" versions of theirs...basically the original game with all expansions in one box set.

Why stop there? Why not update the games with new graphics, new missions, new map packs, new subplots? And why not do it for the biggest blizzard title of all? I mean, honestly, where is the SC franchise going? Nowhere. True, SC:Ghost is coming out (eventually ;P), but thats more of an addendum to the SC storyline than a continuation of it. How tough would it be to add on some missions that flesh out key points in the original story? And jeez, how tough would it be to just redraw the graphics?

God how i hate dalton. What a bitch. I hate him so fucking much. Ever since last year, when i asked him to the sadie hawkins dance, and he had the GALL to turn me down. No offense, but if I'M the one approaching him, he DAMN WELL BETTER say yes. Doesn't he know who i am? Ugh. What a pig.

That's Dalton. Doesn't care about anybody but himself; doesn't shed a tear for the souls he steps on.

{regarding SG} I wouldn't be surprised. Oh SG, what a crazy character you are.

Yeah, but crazy enough to kill ninjas? Umm, actually, yeah, he is that crazy. Crazy like a FOX! A Pirate Fox, probably.

It means he closed the Devillion tag. Which means now the text isn't...Devillion formatted.

It's from one "Dalton of Zeal"...if I had a working "OMINOUS CHORD" button, I'd press it.

OOOOOOOH, looks like he finally responded to all my threats and accusations and finally replied to the mailbag again! About time. See, I'm good with people.

You slanderous mud-slinger! How dare you sully my reputation with that main page update! Every last thing you said about me was either greatly exaggerated or only half true, and I won't have our main page readers believing those vile lies you have spread about!

I am writing in today to express what X SHOULD have said about me. The absolute truth about myself and my integrity.

I am not chauvanistic in any way. I merely believe that women aren't as good as men at anything except at being women. Does that make me a female hating pig? Hell no! Not once did I ever say I "hated" women; all I said was that I am better than them. And yet, X calls me misogynistic! Injustice!

And that bit about having 50 dead hookers in the trunk of my car. I don't even OWN a car! The prostitutes are stuffed IN MY CLOSET, and there are only 49 of them! But leave it to X to elevate the body count to his sensationalist desires. And those hookers died of natural causes; namely, blood loss! ACCIDENTALLY suffering from a gunshot wound may LEAD to death, but the loss of blood is what causes the person in question to die; not the small piece of metal lodged within the body! And yet you advocate gun use with that cannon on your arm. Hyprocrisy!

Don't compare my superior technology to your antiquated lead-and-gunpowder contraptions. MAYBE, if you didn't have to compensate for the size of your own pistol, you wouldn't have to worry about accidentally shooting your ammo too soon. Yeah, that's right, I just buried you in double entendre. How's it taste, bitch?

Also, I did NOT spoil the ending of that book! I was merely polling the popularion of middle school children who read the book by yelling out the content of the event on Page 606 and noting the kids' reactions. If a few slowpoke readers hadn't reached that point of the book by the time I reached their school, well, then maybe they deserved to have it spoiled!

OK then, lemme say this: Who decided you were a capable pollster? You couldn't put together a decent poll if Gallup arose from the dead and beat the ever-living shit out of you until you became some kind of Poll Jesus.

Hell if I know. If there was he's probably spinning in his grave, while moaning "nooooooo! you bitch, you bitch!!!".

That last part is perhaps the most disgusting flat-out lie I have ever read. I am not forcing teenagers to whore out their bodies! I am using them for slave labour. Duh.

Yeah, well it's not a big step from slave to sex slave. Especially since that "step" happens to be MY DOORSTEP, upon which I found a 14 year old girl who said she was a personal favour from YOU.

Let it be known that I will not stand idly by and watch you spread this filth about me like expired mayonnaise on moldy bread. You are a slanderer, a liar, and you sit on a throne of lies. Your gold-plated armor is as half-truthed as the lies you tell about me. For your armor is crafted from fool's gold, which in turn, makes you a FOOL!

Umm, isn't Pyrite (that's fool's gold for those of you like Dalton who apparently failed Earth Science) STRONGER than Gold, which is considerably malleable? So wouldn't it be wiser to have armor made from fool's gold instead of real gold?

Uhh, trade secrets. Though I will say that one of the (many) ingredients is the forging of numerous souls.

Anyway, now that we've thoroughly exposed Dalton for the lecherous want of decency that he is, let us now turn to MajinBuu7985, who in comparison doesn't seem so bad. Except that my G-Mail account decided his e-mail was spam for some bizarre reason. If I hadn't decided to look in there for no particular reason I would have missed it and we'd never hear from him again. So, umm, be grateful, Buu.

Dalton of Zeal must pay for his crimes against hookers and middle schoolers everywhere!!!!.... hey,megamanx2k, why don't you make the next mail bag ideas on how to punish Dalton? I have several ideas, so I just enter one now and next week if it's the mailbag. First hand him upside down for a week by his toes while forcing him to watch Jerry Springer reruns. Next dip him in a vat of melted plastic (prefferably made from melted Virtua Boy cartrages), then paint the hardened plastic some weird design and hang him up as a pinata for all those poor ninjas SG is scaring.

P.S. I will get you next for that Backstreet Boys crap you gave me in the last mailbag.

Relax, we only got one more entrant left. And...oh, it's Magus19684. Again. Hmm. Umm, well...go ahead, and finish both your thought and ours, then?

Hey there! Now, I read the "no body's been writing in" message and I noticed that a lot of people are speculating about a Diablo 3. Now, I have the first 2 (and expansions) and I love 'em! As far as totally random RPG-esque game goes, Diablos take the prize hands down! However, not for nothing, in Diablo 2 you kinda off all the possible boses (and this time, for good!) so I don't really see how they can make it a threequel... Granted, I'm sure they could pull a "1,000 years before the original Diablo..." or "A second rebellion of Heaven..." kinda thing, or just ignore the fact that everything is already dead.

Now, I know that video game companies have been knwn to do that (Breath of Fire comes to mind...) and I'm not saying a Diablo 3 won't sell (I'll be one of the first to buy it) but aren't RPGs kinda running on empty in the original plot department? OKay, sure, I'll accept the fact that anything less than save the world/kingdom makes for boring play but let's get some thinking caps on in there, huh? I can only tolerate "Crap!!! That Long-haired pretty boy who is really my long lost twin brother is destroying the planet!!!" just so many times...

When it comes to Diablo-style hack-and-slash fests, who cares about the plot? Let the Console RPG companies handle that problem. If you really are that concerned, however, do remember that whatever happened after the Worldstone was shattered, we never found out. From the sound of what everyone at the end was saying the door was left wide open for any number of possibilities. Perhaps Baal's infestation so warped it that it ressurected the Prime Evils, or worse, tore open numerous gateways between Earth and Hell, or even merged them somehow. Maybe we'll even get to visit HEAVEN this time.

The thought of you going to Heaven is a plot twist I don't think ANYONE's ready for.

Touche. Well, that ends our mailbag. And, at the suggestion of timjs, I'm going to resume the Battle Royale! Villians are up this time. Ultros, having been the winner of Macc's Villian battle, is disqualified. Otherwise, you know the rules: four villains, carnage set to maximum, bribery and other under-handed activities encouraged. Visit the mailbag archives if you need some inspiration (or entertainment; those were some good times...good times.)

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