Call Me A Treasurhunter
a musical by DomaDragoon

Ladies, gentlemen, deities of a draconic nature, robots and... um, whatever SG is, let me introduce you to the musical which received rave reviews in no less than zero major newspapers! Prepare yourself for the vomit-inducing extravaganza known as "Call Me a Treasure Hunter!"

Now would be a good time to note that anything in parentheses are not sung, but are instead either spoken or stage directions. Also note that I have no musical talent, so pretend the songs are all right, OK?

Dramatic Personae:

Kain Highwind

Dekar

Aerith Gainsborough

Squall Leonheart

Crono

Locke Cole

Nadia Guardia

Gobi

Taloon Torneko

Cecil Harvey

Celes Chere

Karn

Yuffie Kinsaragi

Bow

Setzer Gabianni

Guybrush Threepwood

Faris Tycoon

Bikke

Vyse the Legend

Kefka Palazzo

(Our scene opens up in the slums of Midgar. A small group of poorer class citizens, led by the master "treasure hunter" Locke Cole, are going about their daily business. For Locke, life the past few weeks has been especially harsh, and he's starting to lose hope for the future. Cue song: "Skid Row" from Little Shop of Horrors)

Kain: Alarm goes off at seven

     And you start uptown.

     You put in your eight hours

     For the powers that have always been.

     Till it's five P.M.

     Then You go

Squall: Downtown, where the folks are broke.

     Downtown, where your life's a joke.

     Downtown, when you buy your token, you go

     Home to skid row.

Dekar: Yes, you go

     Downtown, where the cabs don't stop

     Downtown, where the food is slop

     Downtown, where the hop-heads flop in the snow

     Down on Skid Row

Squall: Uptown you cater to a million jerks.

     Uptown you're messengers and mailroom clerks

     Eating all your lunches at the hot dog carts.

     The bosses take your money

     And they break your hearts.

Crono: Uptown you cater to a million whores.

     You disinfect terrazzo on their bathroom floors.

     Your morning's tribulation, afternoon's a curse

     And five o'clock is even worse

     That's when you go

Aerith: Downtown, where the guys are drips.

     Downtown, where they rip your slips.

     Downtown, where relationships are no go.

     Down on skid row

All: Down on skid row, down on skid row

     Down on skid row, down on skid row!

Locke: Poor! All my life I've always been poor.

     I keep asking God what I'm for,

     And he tells me "Gee, I'm not sure, sweep that floor, kid."

     Oh, I started life as an orphan, a child of the street

     Here on skid row.

     He took me in, gave me shelter, a bed,

     Crust of bread and a job

     Treats me like dirt, calls me a slob, Which I am...

     Not!

     Someone show me a way to get outa here,

     'Cause I constantly pray I'll get outta here

     Please, won't somebody say I'll get outta here

     Someone gimme my shot or I'll rot here.

     Here on skid row...

(The cast shuffles off stage as a few nobles make their way on stage. They don't seem very happy to be here, but this is the only place where eccentric millionaire Setzer Gabianni will meet them. Looking at the filth, they become smug in their possessions or some other "materialistic is bad" type message thing. Cue song: "It's Good to Be Rich", imperialistic tone)

Nadia: There are some who are content

     To be lying in the streets

     With a crust of bread and cheap booze at their side.

     I have slightly higher tastes

     And can afford to indulge

     From the mansion wherein which I do reside.

CHORUS: It's good to be rich

     It's good to be rich

     Oh yes, it's good to be rich.

Taloon: There are some who make do

     With whatever they find

     Scrounging for a penny or two

     While at home I sit

     And count all my gold

     Such a "taxing" job for me to do.

CHORUS

Gobi: Such a dirty place

     They should hire a maid

     And maybe a bath once in a while.

     You'd never catch me in such a poor state...

(Locke bumps into Gobi "accidentally")

     Hey! Why you! I'll...

(Taloon calms Gobi down by handing him a wad of money. Gobi coos.)

CHORUS

(A few minutes go by while Taloon and Nadia explain the scene and why they're there. They make passing reference to Gobi's upcoming marriage to Setzer's daughter, Celes. Suddenly, Gobi realizes that his money purse is gone. Cue song: "Stop, Thief!" - frantic pace)

Gobi: My pouch!

     It was here and now it's gone.

     I know I brought it with me,

     Kept it close to me,

     So there is only

     A single solitary

     Explanation.

     It was that scruffy, disreputable

     Thief.

(Locke: Treasure Hunter!)

     Whatever.

     I need a policeman!

     Gendarme! Copper!

     Police, police!

     You surely have to cease

     The running of that beast

     Who stole to say the least

     My pouch full of valuables.

     That damn thief.

(Locke, Squall, Kain: Treasure Hunter!)

     Whatever.

Cecil: Halt!

     Stay where you are!

     I've been charged with a task

     So in glory I can bask

     I've got a few questions to ask

     Maybe over a cask

     Of ale?

     So would you stop running now, please?

     Bloody thief.

(All except Cecil and Gobi: Treasure Hunter!)

     Whatever!

(Locke leads Cecil, Captain of the Midgar Militia, on a merry trek through the stage. It's entertaining. I wish you could see it. Oh well. Anyway, Locke finds himself under the windowsill of a very beautiful woman. You guessed it - Celes. Cue song: "My Heart's Been Stolen" - romantic ballad)

Locke: Ten minutes ago, I was perfectly fine,

     Ignorant of the beauty on this world.

     But now I find that my life has been turned upside-down.

     My mind is running loose, with poems of love

     For my heart's been stolen.

     I just trudged through, my days full of nothing

     But concern for getting my next meal.

     Now I would starve myself willingly just for you.

     My smile is getting wider, as I finally find

     That my heart's been stolen.

     What could I do, to make her notice me?

     What could I get , to show my love?

     What could I say, in properly honouring her?

     How should I meet, with my cooing dove?

     Ten minutes have passed, and I'm still in shock

     As I gaze on the beauty of this world

     My life is still recovering from being turned upside-down.

     My mind still repeats, golden words of love

     And my heart's been stolen...

(Cecil arrives and drags Locke off. Celes notices him, and seems to be in awe. Realistic? No. But who cares? Scene change to the Midgar Pit o' Despair, the holding cells for captured thieves. Locke laments his state for a few minutes - after trying unsuccessfully to pick the cell's lock - before a wall opens up. Out steps Yuffie, who leads Locke to a magical place where all dreams come true. He's met by Karn.

     Locke: Who are you? How did I get here?

     Karn: Those questions shall be answered in time. Just know that you're safe here.

     Locke: But where's here?

Cue song: "The Thieves' Guild" - show-stopper)

Yuffie: Up in the streets we're chased and hunted down,

     Caught and paraded right before we get the axe.

     We need a place where the police fear to tread

     Somewhere we can be free to just relax.

Bow: I see the beggars chase me down and try to kill me

     Just for a loaf of bread I stole myself.

     I need a place where I can eat and not be worried

     That food in the open won't be harmful to my health.

Karn: So the thieving community gathers here

     To hide and safeguard our plunders.

     And now you've been invited to be one of us.

     Locke Cole, will you join our numbers?

(Locke: What are you saying?)

Yuffie: For a while we've been watching, concealed in the shadows.

Bow: For you see, we had to be absolutely assured.

Karn: Your fine reputation, for doing the best work.

Yuffie: Your skills, they're just as good as we heard.

Bow: You're a foundation on which we would like to build.

Karn: To make this story short, we want you to join us in the Thieves' Guild.

(Locke: But I'm a treasure hunter!

Yuffie: Sure, and I'm the Queen of Coneria.

Bow: (bowing) Your Majesty!)

Karn: It's not like we're asking for you to kill.

     You're a skilled, but sensitive creature.

     Besides, you're much more valuable with no bounty on your head.

     We want you to become a teacher.

(Locke: A teacher?!

Karn: Think of it - Locke Cole's School of Hard Knocks, Soft Feet, and Sticky Fingers! The greatest thieving academy in the known worlds!

Locke: But I'm...

Bow: We know, we know. Will you do it?

Locke: ...why not?

Yuffie: Great! Now we just need the boss' OK.

Locke: The boss?)

(Meanwhile, above the sprawling alleyways of the slums, the most influential man in all of Midgar is wringing his hands. Completely flustered, Setzer is waiting for the bride to be prepared for her wedding. Cue song - "Wedding Bells Are Ringing")

Setzer: So excited, I've got no time to spare

     As my hair's being prepared

     Have to prep the ushers

     God, I'm flustered.

     My only daughter's finally getting married!

CHORUS: Wedding bells are ringing

     I'm so happy that I'm singing

     It's a marriage made in heaven, that's for sure!

     Wedding bells are ringing

     And my heart within me's springing!

     So my family line can continue to endure!

     I worried that I'd die before this day

     Not live to give my girl away

     But now I'm buoyed,

     No, overjoyed

     I just hope everything goes as it should...

CHORUS

     Have to prep the ushers

     God, what wonder!

     My daughter's finally settling down!

     My daughter's finally getting married now!

(Setzer finishes with a flourish, only to have one of his servants - Kain - inform him that Celes is missing! (All right, who didn't see that one coming?) Setzer instantly believes that she's been kidnapped, and goes in search of someone who's able to find her...

END OF DISK ONE. PLEASE INSERT DISK TWO.)