The Christmas Saga: Ho Ho Fucking Ho!
by d_Galloway
Galloway finished the last few modifications on the Flying Bunker, then climbed back through the trap door leading to his room. It was raining outside, just like it did in Visalia about 80% of the winter season. Sighing, he kicked his busted computer a few times, then snuck into his brother's room to use the PS2.
When he began to look for Onimusha 2, though, he found something strange. On his brother's desk was a pamphlet that read:
Wanted: Someone that hasn't seen The Shining all the way through and wants to help maintain an old hotel for the holidays. Free food, drink, beer, and everything else you can imagine. Deluxe accomidations. Really creepy paintings. Blood that gets off on the second floor instead of the first. Also includes the heavily stained room President William Jefferson Clinton stayed in with a young intern. If interested, go there right now. No application neccessary. Oh, and we have LOTS and LOTS of snow!
Galloway's eyes blew open when he saw the part about snow. Visalia almost never got a centimeter of snow in a decade, and the only other place to get snow was filled with whiny brats that should be shot and dragged behind cars. He quickly kicked open his brother's window and ran off, but not before grabbing the PS2.
***
"Hey, Santa!" shouted an elf, standing in front of Santa's private study. "We need you to name the new reindeer!" When there was no answer, the elf pushed on the door. It was unlocked; Santa ALWAYS locked the place up! After all, it was where he kept his list...
Suddenly, a figure crept out of the shadows and strangled the elf to death using a piano wire. After disposing of the body, he closed and locked the door. "Damn elf," he said. "Why can't my blasted brother keep an eye on them?" He then snuck up to a computer called, "Christmas List 3000."
He began to read through all the children's names. "Naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty, fucking evil, naughty!" He then scrolled over a bit to the right, and learned that they were getting their presents anyway.
"GOD DAMN IT, BROTHER!" he hushly shouted. "THESE CHILDREN HAVE BEEN VERY NAUGHTY! HOW CAN YOU LET THEM GET OFF THE HOOK LIKE THAT?! I'LL SHOW YOU HOW THIS BUSINESS IS RUN ONCE AND FOR ALL!"
(He then went off and took over Santa's Workshop. Unfortunately, our camera man, a die-hard athiest, complained about the "God" part we just said and left, making us unable to film. And now, back to the show.)
The evil figure tied Santa to his old wooden chair. "I'm taking over the family business now, brother!"
"I'm not your brother!" shouted Santa. "You're just my evil twin half-brother!"
"Maybe," said Santa's half-brother, "but I know how to run something like this, unlike you! Naughty children don't deserve gifts, and yet you give them a bunch every year! That's why I, and my dark master Stan, a potatoe farmer who gained my soul due to an unfortunate typo when I was making a contract to sell my soul to Satan, have come up with a way of punishing the worst children in existence!"
"But...only one group qualifies as the all-time worst!" shouted Santa. "And they've all grown up!"
"I know," said Santa's half-brother. "But I can still punish them in ways you can't imagine..."
"Oh, I don't know," said Santa. "I can imagine quite a bit."
"Oh, fine," said Santa's half-brother, "I thought it up after a couple thousand vodkas one night. But it'll still annoy and horrify them to no end!" He then stole Santa's sleigh and flew off.
***
Galloway tried to start his car, but the battery was dead. He then tried to take his parents' car, but it wasn't there. He didn't know how to drive a stick, so he couldn't use the truck, and no buses went through the mountains.
Just when it all seemed hopeless, a large, futuristic truck pulled up next to him. Galloway recognized it instantly; it was Joey's truck!
Gemini kicked open the passanger door and got off. "Okay, I'll see you after the holidays," he said to Joey. Just as Joey began to drive off, though, Galloway grabbed onto the side of the car.
"I need a ride to this place," he said, pointing at a map on the pamphlet. Joey looked at him with surprise, muttered something about, "The Shining," and drove off, Galloway in tow. Gemini stepped into the house, entered his room, and screamed at Galloway to give him the PS2 back.
***
"Okay, master," said the half-brother, now wearing Santa's traditional red threads, "is the molecular temporal synthesizing reversivizer ready?"
A dirty, unshaven man looked back at the half-brother. He wore simple blue overalls and a dirty shirt, with rotten shoes on his feet. He chewed on a piece of grass, and wore a faded leather hat on his head. "It done be ready, Clive!"
The half-brother looked at him evilly. "I thought we agreed not to call me by my real name. Just call me 'Half-Santa'...please."
"Okay, Half-Santa," said the hillbilly, who was most obviously Half-Santa's evil master, Stan. "The big gun be ready. It be sittin' on ya sled."
"Good," said Half-Santa. "I shall go visit those morons this evening, when they least expect it..."
***
Joey's truck pulled up to the front of the hotel. Like the pamphlet said, he saw snow all around. The hotel was about five stories, and a little run-down. But the snow was there, and that was all that mattered. Galloway jumped out of the truck, which speeded off as quickly as it could.
Galloway passed by a dried-up fountain, several hundred dead and dying bushes and trees, and a moss-covered statue of Jimmy Carter, history's greatest monster. Sitting at the doorstep, however, where two people he had NEVER expected to see here: Valkyrie Esker and Wilfredo Martinez.
"So, you took the job, too," said Val.
"I don't blame you," said Wil, sighing heavily. "Since Sin was appointed head of the Christmas committee, people have been running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Good thing we found out about the job here, isn't it?"
"Yeah, whatever," said Galloway. "Beats spending time in crappy Visalia with the family. Did anyone else come here?"
Suddenly, Weiila flew down, several suitcases in tow. Starstorm then jumped down from a tree, covered with several more bags of Weiila's stuff. Shalcar then drove up in a snowmobile, followed closely by PC Glenton landing in a black helicopter. Heaven's Soldier then appeared somehow, as did Pierson and OmegaflareX. Crotanks then rode in on some kind of snowplow, followed finally by Hane, who dug her way up from the ground.
After everyone's flashy entrance, Galloway opened the door.
***
The inside of the hotel was lavishly decorated, with red carpet, glass chandeliers, and a full-service mini-bar. A creepy old man stepped down the large staircase in the middle of the entryway. He was wearing a black suit with a red necktie.
"The new winter caretakers have arrived," he said. "Follow me." He then went into an adjoining room. Everyone quickly followed him.
They then went through a tour of the hotel's dining room, laundry facilities, kitchen, greenhouse, billiard room, library, and various other rooms.
"This house has a long and interesting history," he said when they returned to the entryway. "It was built on an ancient indian burial ground, and has been the sight of satanic rituals, witch burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials." Galloway shivered at the thought of John Denver.
"Well, that should be it," said the old man. "I will be taking my leave now. All of the rooms are unlocked, and there's a couple hundred thousand for food and supplies. I'll see you after the holidays." He then went out the door, and dissapeared from sight almost immediately.
Wil's black mage senses kicked in immediately. "I have a bad feeling about this place."
***
"Ho ho ho!" shouted Half-Santa as he flew the sleigh over RPG Town. Having survived nuclear holocaust, Saddam Hussein, and various other crap, they didn't think a flying sleigh pulled by reindeer was that unusual. They also didn't care that a gigantic laser cannon was on the back.
***
"Okay," said Galloway, "I've looked around the whole place, and there isn't a single Christmas tree here. Anyone want to come with me?" However, nearly everybody else was busy drinking beer, watching TV, or planning their christmas lists. Sighing, Galloway left the hotel.
***
Wil explored the huge library. Books upon books were piled on the shelves, many of them several centuries old. Also, there were various newspapers, scrolls, and porno mags.
After indulging himself on hardcore porn, he returned to looking at the shelves. However, he tripped over a book on the floor and hit a bust. It lifted up slightly, revealing a switch. Curious, Wil flipped the switch. The wall and floor he was standing on flipped around, revealing a torch-lit secret passage.
***
Galloway went looking for a tree, but every lot was sold out. Finally, he found the last one in RPG Town: a Charlie Brown-esque tree, which was most definately on its last legs. He had to pay $300 for it anyway.
***
"Okay," said Val, "these have been the dullest three hours of my life. When is ANYTHING gonna happen?"
Weiila suddenly grabbed Val's mouth. "You idiot! You said the forbidden words! You know what happens when you say the forbidden words!"
"Yeah," said Shalcar, "EVERYONE knows about the forbidden words."
"Come on!" shouted Val. "What could possibly happen?" Everyone screamed and dove for cover. Suddenly, a noise was heard from the roof, followed by Half-Santa sliding down the chimney with the laser cannon.
"Damn, Santa's packing heat this year," said Star.
"You were very naughty children," said Half-Santa, "but you got presents anyway. You must be punished!"
"Come on, Santa!" shouted Weiila. "We're adults now. Your powers have no affect on us!"
"I know," said Half-Santa. "That's why I built this molecular temporal synthesizing reversivizer. I got the plans from some guy's logbook. His name was...what was it...oh yeah, Mox." Everyone gasped when they heard that name...and realized what the laser did.
Of course, that didn't stop them from just standing there and letting him zap them.
***
"I hate Christmas trees," grumbled Galloway as he carried his tiny tree up the long hike to the hotel. "I hate Christmas shopping. I almost hate Christmas itself."
Then he saw Half-Santa standing in front of the hotel. The evil Santa fired his laser cannon, but Galloway vanished in a blur.
"Where the hell'd he go?" shouted Half-Santa. He then turned...and saw Galloway's foot slamming into his face. He flew into the side of a mountain, dropping the laser cannon along the way. Galloway raised his hand and destroyed the cannon with one energy blast.
Half-Santa pulled himself out of the crater he had been knocked into. He saw the remains of the laser cannon, and began to laugh. "You're too late. I already got your friends. And someday, I will get you!" He then jumped onto the roof, boarded his sleigh, and flew off.
***
Wil followed the passageway for several yards, before it finally dumped him in some kind of wine cellar. He looked through the racks, and found nothing but empty bottles of wines dating back to the sixteenth century. However, a large cask sat in the corner, and when Wil tried to turn it, blood poured out.
This somewhat sent him jumping back, but he recovered and explored the room more completely. While looking at another wine rack, his staff tapped the nearby wall. It emitted a hollow, vibrating sound. Wil quickly realized that the wall was fake. He slammed the staff repeatadly against the wall, until every piece of brick in that section was gone.
Trapped inside a tiny room was a rotten skeleton. His clothing indicated that he had not been dead for TOO long, but the moisture of the wine cellar accelerated his decomposure at an alarming rate. Also, Wil made out several fragments in the body; he had been shot repeatadly.
A chilling wind swept through the entire wine cellar. Wil decided that it was time to get out, and began for the exit. Suddenly, a stone wall crashed down where he had entered the cellar. A terrible laugh echoed throughout the room.
***
Half-Santa looked back at the hotel with pure rage. That naughty Galloway had destroyed his beloved weapon, the one thing that would make it possible to punish the RPGC people. Then he saw that Galloway wasn't there anymore, and assumed that he had entered the hotel again.
"Hey, Santa! What the hell did you mean back there?"
Half-Santa turned, and saw Galloway sitting next to him. His arms were crossed, his face was unhappy, and his aura revealed his state of pissed-offness. Half-Santa then realized that he had to give up the whole scheme.
"I am determined to punish naughty children," he said. "However, my first targets were you and your friends, the naughtiest children ever. However, you are now adults, and thus free of the power of Santa. My beloved weapon returned them to a state of control for me."
Galloway now understood what had happened. Just as he was about to blow Santa away, though, Stan jumped up from the back of the sleigh and knocked Galloway overboard with a big potatoe.
***
When Galloway came to, he was lying in front of the hotel. Standing over him was an angel. "Am I dead?" he asked.
"No, thank God," said the angel. Galloway then realized it was Weiila.
"Oh, sorry, Weiila," he said quickly. He jumped back to his feet, amazed that Weiila had healed his injuries so quickly. He then turned back at her...and was surprised.
"What?" asked Weiila. She then turned to the hotel. "I began to escape when Val said the forbidden words. I put a dummy in my place, so whatever came wouldn't find the real me. However, while I was flying off, something hit me in the back. Next thing I know, I'm like this."
"Like what?" asked Galloway. "I'm just surprised that you aren't a kid. You do look a little different, though."
"Gallo," said Weiila, "I'm sixteen years old now. Please shut up."
"Okay, fine," said Galloway. "Sixteen's a nice age. Better than three, at least. Anyway, let's get going. We have to assess the problem."
***
"Damnit!" shouted Wil. "What the bloody hell's going on?" The terrible laugh echoed through the room again.
"All those that celebrate Christmas in this hotel must die!" shouted a loud voice. "You shall just be the first to go!"
Wil looked around frantically. Then he had an idea. Raising his hands, he quickly casted the Quake spell. The wall blocking the entrance crumbled, as well as half of the passageway. Pulling himself through the rubble, Wil finally escaped the secret passage.
***
Galloway and Weiila entered the hotel, Christmas tree in tow. "Hello!" shouted Galloway. "Is anybody home?" There was no response.
"Maybe they're hiding," said Weiila. "I know I did when Mox did that."
"Or maybe they're just unconcious," said Galloway. "You kept falling asleep when you were a kid."
"Or maybe," said a small, all-too-familiar voice, "we're planning to kill you and shove your balls down your throat."
Galloway turned, and saw a four-year-old Val standing there, a long, pointy knife in hand. "Every time we get involved with you," she said, "something like this happens. This time, we aren't gonna take it!"
A seven-year-old PC appeared from the stairs, gun in hand. A 13-year-old Heaven's Soldier pointed a butcher knife at Galloway's back. A 12-year-old OmegaflareX aimed an Axe at Galloway's ankles. A 11-year-old Hane aimed her fingernails at Galloway's flesh. And finally, a 14-year-old Shalcar raised his warhammer.
Galloway sighed. "First off, I didn't do this to you; the evil Santa did. Second off, killing me won't help. Third off, I can easily beat you all. Fourth off, where the hell are Pierson and Starstorm? And finally..." He raised his hands to his head and shouted, "TAIYOKEN!"
An enormous flash of light blinded the now-chibified attackers. Galloway grabbed Weiila and hid in a broom closet while everyone was blinded. Then he realized that someone else was in there, as well.
Turning, he saw a normal Pierson and Starstorm, but also a six-year-old Mabat. This was getting wierd.
No sooner had he began to dwell on the subject than Val threw the closet. "Now I've got you!" she shouted.
"Hold it!" shouted Wil, as he FINALLY entered the room. He didn't seem the slightest bit surprised that everyone else had been reduced to kids. "I know being involved with Galloway spells disaster, but we have bigger problems! The hotel's haunted!"
(After several hours of artful negotiations...)
"Okay, we're agreed," said Val. "Galloway gives us what we want for Christmas, and we don't kill him and shove his balls down his throat." Everyone quickly shaked on it.
"Now that I'm not being hunted down," said Galloway, "let's get some sleep." Everyone divided up the rooms, then went to get some sleep.
***
"Well," said Stan, "that there red-headed guy done broke our laser."
"It's only a minor setback," said Half-Santa. "We will just have to punish those naughty children when Christmas comes along." They then flew off in the sleigh.
***
Galloway and Val checked their room numbers; they were right next to each other. They quickly reached the fifth floor and opened the doors.
Then they saw something very strange; a door on the far wall, by the balcony. When Galloway opened it, he saw Val's room...and Val looking at him with blind rage.
***
Star and Weiila took the same room. They quickly laid down their stuff, locked the door, and decided not to drink.
"Okay," said Star, "let's get down to it."
Weiila raised an eyebrow. "Get down to what?"
"You know," said Star. "The sex!"
Weiila looked at Star, her eyes filled with disgust. "I'm a minor now, Star. No more sex." She then turned the light off.
***
PC climbed into his bed. He then fell asleep, his gun held tightly in his hands. Nobody was getting the best of him this night.
***
Pierson and Omega got into their adjoining rooms; however, unlike Galloway and Val, a door wasn't connecting their rooms. Not only that, but they had TV; unfortunately, there was no reception.
***
Heaven's Soldier and Wil slept on the second floor, in a small room with no balcony, no window, and no beds. They had to use small sleeping bags, which didn't cover even half of their bodies now. They quickly began to hate this entire experience.
***
Mabat, Hane and Shalcar went to sleep and did nothing.
***
Weiila woke up when a massive headache sent her falling out of the bed. When she got up, Star was gone, and the entire room had changed. The walls were built out of metal and wire mesh, all covered with rust. The beds were bloodied beyond all recognition, with the sheets turned yellow with decay. Weiila's mind began to reel; what the hell was going on?
She opened the busted, decaying door, only to find that the hall was in the exact same kind of situation. Simply out of curiosity, she stepped out of the room. The door then closed behind her, and when she tried to open it, the lock was busted, and the door wouldn't open. In fact, every door on the floor had a busted lock, except for one door at the end of the hall.
Inside was some kind of trophy room. Stuffed animal heads were displayed on the wall, while taxidermed animals were lined on the walls. However, worst of all were two shelves on the far wall, which sported jars filled with various brains, hearts, and other organs kept in some kind of liquid.
Weiila's stomach began to churn. She was about to leave when she spotted something coming at her from the hall. At first, she thought it was one of her fellow RPGCers. Then she realized that it was much less than human. It looked like a guy who had his skin turned inside out and wearing a straightjacket made completely out of human skin.
Weiila quickly closed the door, but the thought of staying in the room made her REALLY sick. Then she saw something in a cabinet on the far wall. Running towards it, she saw a large hunting rifle, with about three boxes of rifle rounds. She grabbed the gun, loaded the rounds, and threw the door open. The monster was still sitting outside.
Weiila backed away and raised the gun. She fired, but even at the close range, her ineptitude with the rifle caused her to miss. The monster was about to rip her neck open when she placed the gun at its temple and fired. The bullet ripped straight through the monster, sending it sprawling to the floor.
Weiila caught her breath, then made her way out of the room. She then heard strange noises coming from the lobby. Despite all sense of sanity and reason, she went downstairs.
When she reached the lobby, she saw someone standing in a black robe, right in front of the stairs. His back was turned to Weiila, but she quickly recognized the voice. "Weiila..."
"Daemon?" asked Weiila. "I...I saw Avoozl kill you!"
"That's right," said Daemon. "When my soul was released, it was prepared to be sent to hell. However, the one known as Stan used a powerful crystal to absorb me before my journey could be complete. However, he also absorbed many hundred innocent souls in the process."
"Then what the hell's going on?" asked Weiila.
"You only took a partial hit from the beam," said Daemon. "Had it hit you full-on, you would probably be about 12 or so. However, the weapon was powered by the same crystal; a direct hit would make it so the reaction would null the effect of seeing the world of the crystal. However, since you didn't take a full hit, you can see us at night. The only way for us to leave is to destroy the crystal and kill Stan."
"Why should I help you?" asked Weiila. "You were allied with Naar!"
"I do not ask that you trust me," said Daemon. "But be warned; if you do not act, many innocent people will be damned to an eternity of limbo."
"One more question," said Weiila. "How'd Stan get this crystal?"
"It was given to him by a friend of Naar," said Daemon, as he began to fade, along with the world around Weiila. "His name is..."
Suddenly, Weiila found herself standing on the normal staircase, in the normal lobby, in the normal hotel, in the normal world. At first, she thought it was all a nightmare. Then she looked at her hands, and saw the hunting rifle.
Star rolled out of his bed, then looked at Weiila's now-empty bed. He quickly ran around, screaming for everyone to get up and help search for Weiila. Finally, they got up, then looked on the lobby stairs. Weiila, however, had quickly hidden the rifle in a broom closet, and was just standing there, in a sleepwalking-like position.
"Hmm," she said, turning around at last. "Hey, how'd I end up here? Is it morning already?" Everyone didn't say anything; they just fainted.
***
Crotanks woke up, to find himself tied up. He was sitting in a chair, but the rope wasn't tied to the chair. However, something else was tied to the chair; tons and tons of dynamite. In fact, the whole underground dungeon around him was filled with dynamite.
"Why, hell," said a mysterious voice, "Stan didn't show up. How am I supposed to bomb the hell out of Santa's Workshop now?"
"Who the hell are you?" shouted Crotanks.
"My name...is SonicBomber," said the voice. "This is my dungeon of despair and stuff. I'm going to destroy Santa Claus for not giving me what I wanted for Christmas ten years ago, which caused me to go nuts and attend psychiatrist after psychiatrist!"
"Okay," said Crotanks, "but how does that involve me?"
"I have to have a guy to blow up first," said SonicBomber. "By the way, I have to make a call."
***
The hotel phone rang. Omega quickly answered it. "Hello?"
"I have Crotanks hostage," said an evil voice. "On Christmas Eve, I will blow up RPGC along with Santa's Workshop. Try to stop me, and he dies!" He then hung up.
Omega quickly told the rest of the group what had happened. "If SonicBomber blows up RPGC," said Galloway, "there'll be no more RPG Town."
"Then there'd be no more hotel!" shouted Wil.
"Then there'd be no more..." began Val. Everyone then fainted, except for Weiila, who struggled barely to her feet.
"Got to...help Crotanks," she gasped, "...save RPGC..." She then fainted.
***
"You won't get away with this!" shouted Crotanks. "I'll get out of here somehow!"
"Oh, really?" mocked SonicBomber. "Well, I'll let you know that you cannot escape RPGC in time to avoid its destruction! I will win, either way!"
"Just you wait," said Crotanks. "I will escape."
"We'll see," said SonicBomber, "we'll see."
***
"Okay, Lord Stan," said Half-Santa, "was the crystal salvaged?"
"Yep!" said Stan. "It done be okay."
"Pardon me for saying so," said Half-Santa, "but the crystal...is it true that it's powered by the souls of the dead? Isn't that dangerous?"
"I reckon so, maybe," said Stan. "But it be dangerous only if someone done get inside the darn nightmarish world inside and destroys the demon in charge."
***
"Okay, let's map this out," said Galloway. "We have a series of problems. First, an evil Santa has a laser that de-ages people. Second, the hotel is haunted by a Christmas-hating spirit. And third, a madman is planning to bomb the hell out of Christmas." Only Weiila knew the fourth problem; the nightmare of the crystal.
"And don't forget," said Omega, "that you owe us anything we want for Christmas, in exchange for your life."
"Now that we have that under control," said Galloway, "we have until Christmas Eve to defeat the evil forces. It's December 20, so that leaves us five days. Now, since we're sleeping in the hotel, I reccomend we deal with the ghost first."
***
PC snuck away from the meeting, only to come across a previously-unmentioned theater. Strangely, it seemed to have been unused for years; the tables, chairs and booths were covered with an incredibly thick layer of dust. The stage was also very much untouched.
Then he saw a gold ring lying in the middle of the stage. Being the greedy guy he was, he climbed onto the stage. Just as he bent down to pick the ring up, though, he saw something wierd about the part of the stage it was on. He blew the dust away, and found large patches of dried blood on the ground. It seemed to be several years old.
"PC!" shouted Val and she jumped down from the rafters, landing in an expert combat pose. "What the hell are you doing here? Galloway wanted everyone in the entry hall!"
"And just what are YOU doing here?" asked PC.
"Do you really think I'd really listen to that guy for more than five seconds?" shouted Val. "I hate that guy!"
"If you hate him so much," asked PC, "why did you marry him?"
"Well..." began Val, now standing right next to PC. Just then, a trap door opened under them, sending them both plummeting into the abyss.
***
"Okay, it's settled," said Galloway, "Curly was the best stooge of them all. Now that we've finished with the stupid discussions, let's get to the matter at hand..."
"Wait!" shouted Weiila. "I remembered I forgot to buy any presents!"
"Same here!" shouted Heaven's Soldier. "We have to get stuff before it gets TOO dangerous to shop!"
"Fine, fine," said Galloway. "We'll put the problem out of our minds until we've finished buying stuff for each other. And since Val and PC decided to skip out on this discussion, they'll have to go shopping on their own time. Let's go!"
***
PC and Val picked themselves up after falling down a massive chute. A large pile of decaying corpses were on the ground, going up to PC's waist and almost to Val's neck.
"Damn," said PC. "What the hell is this?"
"Probably a crypt," said Val. "No old mansion or hotel would be complete without one!"
They pulled themselves onto a walkway just above them. A long, stone tunnel continued for nearly fifty yards. After walking down the LONG tunnel, they found themselves in an underground office of some kind. The room had a large, wooden desk, an old calender, and a large file cabinet in the corner.
"What the..." said Val.
"Hopefully, we can find some clue about this," said PC. They quickly began to look around. PC quickly found a note in a wastebasket, written in blood, that read:
"If anyone reads this, I warn you not to perform of Christmas. Whoever performs will die a gruesome death. I survived the initial barrage, but do not have long to live. They are coming to finish me off. I can hear them in the tunnel ahead. I was able to hide the ring on the stage, though; the room will be closed of after today. Elizabeth, I will love you"
The note ended suddenly. "He obviously had a lot of blood; this is ONE long note!"
"Whatever," said Val. "We may have figured something out about our mysterious ghost."
Suddenly, a loud series of moans echoed from both sides of the room. Zombies began to pour into the room, as even more broke through the ground.
***
The rest of the gang made their way to the bus stop, which took them to the downtown shopping district. "Let's split up," said Galloway. "Remember, use the money for gifts, not for porn or hookers." Everyone let out a combined groan, but exited the bus anyway.
After walking a few steps, though, Star turned around. He was just ahead of Weiila when they got off, and she had suddenly dissapeared. He sighed. "She must have ran off for my gift," he said.
***
Weiila looked around. The street had changed to the same style as the hotel last night. The bus's windows were smashed in, the side was covered with blood and rust, and a shotgun and two boxes of shells were lying on the side.
Grabbing the shotgun and ammo, she walked into the darkness and walked through the mall door. Her last lagging doubts about her sanity were wiped out when she saw the giant monsters swarming all around her.
Suddenly, a massive series of lightning bolts ripped through the monsters. They collapsed into heaps of dust, as Daemon entered from the darkness. "Welcome back," he said, "to our little world."
"What the hell's going on?" asked Weiila. "Did you do this?"
"The crystal simply had a good deal of influence here," he said. "I believe that it's emitting from the jewelry shop, but if I come close to it, I face destruction. You are still a part of the mortal realm, so you can do this monumental task."
"Fine, fine," said Weiila. "Whatever gets me out of here in time to get Star's gift."
Daemon smiled. "Fare thee well, Weiila." He then dissapeared into the shadows.
***
PC quickly unloaded a full clip at the zombies, hitting them with multiple head shots every time. Val, meanwhile, dropped Gungnir, quickly whittled a spear from a piece of wood that was conveniently placed nearby, and began to stab zombies left and right. As time went on, though, the zombies began to come in vast armies, Val's strength began to run out, and PC went through all 100 clips he had brought.
"Shit," said Val. "This looks bad."
"For the only time in my life," said PC, "I agree with you."
***
Weiila made her way to the jewelry store, but found the door to be locked. She then checked all the other doors, including the one she had just used to get there, and found them to be broken, except for the nut store entrance.
Inside, she found a variety of blood-covered nuts, along with plenty of dead stuff lying around. However, one nut was completely untouched. She began to pick it up, but accidently knocked it over. When it hit the ground, a hollow rattling sound came from inside. She aimed the shotgun at the nut and fired, but the shells bounced harmlessly off. She tried everything possible to open the nut, but nothing worked. Then she saw a workbench with a vise in the middle of the store. Shrugging, she tried the vise.
The nut craked open like a tin can. Inside was a key marked, "Really Wierd Key that Probably Opens Something Important." She grabbed the key and used it on the jewelry store door. The lock let out a loud click, then the door slowly opened.
A large diamond sat on an ancient pedastol in the middle of the room. Standing in front of it, though, was something even more bizzare; a blood-covered monster with a gigantic metal helmet and mile-long sword. Fear gripped Weiila's stomach as she realized what this was: the Pyramid Head.
***
Val and PC backed into each other as the zombies began to close in. "Before we die," said Val, "I have a confession to make. Remember that old family heirloom you had? The one that was worth millions of dollars?"
"Oh no," said PC. "Don't tell me..."
"Yeah," said Val, "I'm the one that stole it and sold it to a bunch of black market guys!"
"You...did...what?!" growled PC. "Well, remember your hundreds of porno tapes that mysteriously dissapeared? Well, I sold those on the black market!"
"WHAT?! MY PORN?!" screamed Val.
The two suddenly jumped at each other, biting and screeching and clawing. The zombies, being the mindless idiots they are, desecended in anyway, and got caught in the crossfire. Blood, guts and gore began to fly in every possible direction.
When it was all over, the entire room was filled with zombie parts and blood. PC and Val, now covered in unmentionable goo, pushed their way out from under the corpses.
"Okay, we've gotten the mindless rage out of our systems," said Val. "Who killed the most zombies?"
"Beats me," said PC. "I lost count at about eight hundred."
"Well, whatever," said Val. "Let's hurry up; I could use a nap right about now."
***
Galloway entered the Starbucks after spending three hours fighting other shoppers to the death. After wipping the blood off of his sword, he went through the half hour of options needed to get a simple cup of mocha-flavored coffee.
"Okay, I've got stuff for Wil, Val, Weiila, and Omega," he said quietly to himself. "That's enough for one trip; I need to get back and check on Val and PC. And come to think of it, I haven't seen Weiila in a while..."
***
"Okay," Weiila quickly thought, "Galloway told me how to beat one of these once..." Her mind quickly raced back to the time Galloway had told her about the Pyramid Heads, but the thought of a naked Star quickly took over her thoughts. "Damnit! Stupid sexy Starstorm!"
The Pyramid Head drew his giant sword back and swung it downwards. Weiila quickly rolled out of the way as the weapon cleaved its way straight through the floor, leaving a huge gap. Weiila barely dodged another slice, but felt the ground beginning to crack from the damage the two attacks had done.
She raised her shotgun and fired several blasts point-blank into the monstrosity, but the shells bounced harmlessly off the monster's helmet. Finally, she ran out of ammo, as the beast lumbered about six inches an hour. She prepared to dodge again, but suddenly, a strange sound echoed from the darkness. Pyramid Head turned around and sulked off, as if something was instructing him not to kill Weiila.
"Whatever," said Weiila. "Now I can finish this." She walked up to the diamond and grabbed it, but it dissapeared in a massive flash of green light. Just then, the floor collapsed, sending her falling to the floor below.
When she came to, several security guards were looking at her. "Are you all right, ma'am?" asked one.
Weiila quickly stood up and dusted herself off. The floor really HAD collapsed; she could see the real jewelry store through a gigantic hole above her. Shrugging it off, she walked out before the guards could question her further.
***
Wil walked into the local porn store, only to find it practically empty. All that was left was a movie called, "The Ring that Fucked Over about a Hundred Whores". Since the tape was covered with blood and bullet holes, Wil wisely decided not to touch it, and went to get a Victoria's Secret catalog instead.
***
Val and PC reached the end of the next passage, which led to the secret wine cellar Wil had told them about. Val tried to get drunk, but there was no wine left in the entire room. Then they went into the room with the skeleton.
"Hey, look!" said Val, pointing to a crack in the wall. "I can see some light!" They both grabbed some heavy wine bottles and smashed through the flimsy wall. On the other side was a torch-lit room with a strange, hooded man, his lips stained with blood.
"I am the wolf!" he shouted, right before letting out a massive howl. "Asmodeus, Beelzebub, Asteroth, Loki, Bapholada, Cthulu, Lilith, Lucifer, Della, Satan! Death is coming, and I will be her son! I will bathe in the blood of those that stand in my way, like the man that came before! I am immortal! I have tasted the Devil's green blood, and it flows in my veins! You stand in my way! You will die!" He then jumped forward, a blood-stained knife in his hand.
"Oh, for the love of-" said Val. "She grabbed a nearby pitchfork and stabbed the guy through the heart. He instantly died.
"Hey!" shouted PC. "Another blood-written note!" The two quickly read it:
"I have tasted the blood of the final man. I am immune to time, death, all the ways of the world! I am the son of Satan! I shall be the immortal one! I shall witness the end of the world! I shall witness the birth of the crystal! The Christmas of the Half-Santa will be the last, as the crystal dictates!"
"Okay, this guy was wacko," said Val. "Let's just get out of here." They then followed the secret passageway out of the wine cellar and back into the library.
***
***
Galloway began to walk out of the mall, but suddenly noticed a strange marking on a nearby wall. It seemed to be an arrow pointing towards an alley. After walking down the alley for a little ways, he found a door partially hidden behind some cardboard crates. He moved them and went inside.
The room was small, and lit solely by a few lanterns. A seedy fellow sat behind a counter, and all around, Galloway saw hundreds upon thousands of various items for sale. Since a good portion of these weapons were highly illegal, Galloway quickly reasoned that this was the infamous RPG Town Black Market.
"Ah, welcome sir," said the man. "May I interest you in some porn tapes? Or maybe another family's heirloom?"
"I'm just looking," said Galloway.
The man noticed Galloway's sword hanging around his waist. "Ah, I see you are a swordsman. I have something that might interest you in the back." He went into a small door behind him, and returned a few minutes later with something wrapped in a heavy red blanket.
"This is an ancient sword," he said. "It is said to have magical abilities, although I do not believe in such rubbish, myself. Here, take a look, please." He unwrapped the blanket, revealing a very bizzare sword. It's golden blade was designed in a crooked zig-zag pattern, and a small skull relief adorned the strange hilt. Galloway picked up the weapon and swung it around a few times. It fit like a glove.
"How much?" he asked.
"Oh, I would say...ten dollars," said the man. Galloway could sense that something was a bit wrong here; no weapon like this would be worth a mere ten dollars. Still, it was a very well-designed sword, and ten bucks was nothing compared to the thousands of dollars an M4 here costed.
Galloway slammed his ten dollar bill on the table, wrapped the sword back up, and left the Black Market. When he was gone, the man breathed a sigh of relief. "The prophecy may come true," he said. "A man came, and liked the sword. The evil crystal may exist."
***
Mabat sat on a bench, chowing down on a sugar-packed candy bar, when he saw Hane pass by with absolutely nothing. As a result, he did absolutely nothing.
Finally, Galloway gathered everybody together, and they boarded the bus back to the hotel.
***
"Detective Fou-Lu, Inspector Pokefreak!" shouted a lowly cop. "Fou-Lu's contacts on the street just called in! They've decided to quit talking to you!"
"Well, now," said Pokefreak, his voice not even attempting to disguise its sarcasm, "why don't you settle down with a nice traffic assignment, huh?"
"Oh yeah?" shouted Fou-Lu. "I know what this is about! It's that school bus incident again, isn't it?"
Pokefreak's mouth opened wide with horror. "I saved those goddamn kids!"
"Except for one," said Fou-Lu. "The one that you let drive."
"He showed me his license!"
"He was seven!"
"I'm a good cop!"
The two began to argue violently. Finally, the lowly cop said, "Screw it, you're both lowsy cops! Now let's just find that mad SonicBomber before it's too late!"
"You're right," said Fou-Lu. "Let's see if those wierd guys at the hotel know anything."
***
The gang walked back into the hotel, only to find Val and PC quietly napping in the living room. Omega snuck up behind them and banged a bunch of cymbals together until they were both awake.
"You're going out tommorrow," said Galloway. "We've finished most of our shopping. What'd you do today?"
"Oh, we just started solving the mystery behind the ghost," said PC. "And I also learned that Val is a mega-bitch, and not just a regular-level bitch like I thought."
***
"Ho ho ho!" shouted Half-Santa, downing another glass bottle of Coke. "This soda really IS better than Pepsi!"
"I don't done know what ya'll silly city-talk means," said Stan, "but I done got us a nice meal together: smoked possum with stuffed gophers."
"My stomach is barely able to contain its joy," said Half-Santa. Fortunately, Stan was too stupid to pick up the sarcasm.
***
"So, what's with the sword?" asked PC.
Galloway pulled out the still-wrapped weapon. "How'd you know it was a sword?"
"Two things," said PC. "One, old swords are really valuable, so I have a habit of stealing and selling them wrapped like that. Two, you're d Galloway, damnit! You're obsessed with swords!"
"Ok, you found me out," said Galloway. "It's supposed to be a really old, magical sword or something." He laid the sword down on the table and unwrapped the cloth.
The entire group eyed the weapon with awe, except for Val. She quickly screamed and hid behind the couch. "Quick!" she shouted. "Get that thing out of here!"
"What the hell's wrong with you?" asked Galloway. "It's just a magical sword. I thought Gungnir could beat anything like that."
"It's not just any damn sword!" shouted Val. "I heard about that thing during my training! They say it can kill anything, even a god!"
Now everyone was slightly paniced, except for Galloway. "Don't worry about it," he said, wrapping the sword back up. "I won't go after any gods. Besides, I'm using this mostly for show; my katana will do just fine, thank you." He then walked up the stairs, with Val calmly walking after him.
***
Galloway entered his room and placed the sword against the far wall. He then sat on the side of his bed, facing away from the door. His mind began to reel with what the sword could do. Then he remembered hearing about a weapon like this; it was said to be able to rend people's souls asunder with one strike.
Then he sensed something else. "Val, stop trying to garrote me," he said. "I'm not that stupid." Val quietly cursed, then jumped onto Galloway, biting and scratching.
"Get rid of the damn sword!" she snarled. "It'll be the death of us all!"
"If you don't get off me now," said Galloway, completely unfazed by her attacks, "I'll have to hurt you."
"You can't hurt me!" she shouted. "Everyone knows I'm stronger than you!"
"Yeah," said Galloway, just before smacking Val to the ground with one breath, "but that's when you're an adult. Now, please leave." Val cursed him again, then jumped at him. Once again, Galloway knocked her down. After about thirty minutes of this, Val finally gave up and left.
***
Fou-Lu and Poke drove up the long mountain rode leading to the hotel. They began to park, but the ground below them suddenly began to tilt. Before they could jump out, the car fell over the side of a cliff. Fortunately, they were able to leap out at the last second and landed on a small ledge.
"What the hell?" asked Fou-Lu. "You said this mountain had the sturdiest ground this side of the Frozen Continent!"
"I never said that!" said Poke. "You must have imagined it while you were drunk last night!"
"Damn it, Poke!" screamed Fou-Lu. "You've been a lousy cop ever since that school bus incident!"
"I'm a good cop!" shouted Poke. Just as he was about to punch Fou-Lu out, though, he noticed a deep cave in the side of the mountain. With no other choice of action, they entered the cave.
***
The man stood up, and looked down at the pitchfork Val had ran straight through him. "Fools!" he shouted. "I am the son of death! I am immortal! Nothing can stop me! NOTHING!"
He pulled the pitchfork out of his body. The wound closed instantly, leaving only the blood on the pitchfork to show that he had been injured at all. He then pressed a hidden switch on the wall, which revealed a secret doorway.
***
"All right, Val," said Galloway, after Val had showed back up and PC had tried to steal the sword in an all-out wacky scene, "what do you want?"
"Mabat, Omega and I have decided to hunt down the woman the ghost kept mentioning in his notes. Meanwhile, we want to learn more about that basement area, so we're having you, Wil and PC check out the secret area."
"Sounds good to me," said Galloway, "but I'm taking the sword, just in case this is an elaborate scheme to steal it." He then grabbed PC and walked out of the room.
"Damn," muttered Val. "I should have stabbed them both in the back. Oh well, there's always next time..."
***
Galloway and PC joined Wil in the library, then went into the wine cellar. PC showed them to the secret room, but found the man gone. Galloway then sensed something about the walls. He touched a brick, and a secret door opened. The three piled in.
The next secret area was a gargantuan, tiered chamber, filled with thousands of switches and portals. The man stood in the middle, laughing all the time.
"I am invincible!" he shouted. "None can oppose me! I shall be the mistress of time and death!"
"What the hell's wrong with you?" asked Galloway. "You're nuttier than a Digimon fan walking into a Pokemon card festival. And what the hell is all this?"
"I will bring death to all of time!" he screamed. "I shall be that girl's angel of death! All those who stand in my way...SHALL BE DESTROYED!" He then pressed several switches on the wall, which caused one of the portals to be filled with a blue field. He quickly jumped through.
"Guess we have no choice," said Galloway. He, Wil and PC then jumped up to the portal and ran through.
***
"Okay, Val," said Mabat, "how are we supposed to find this girl?"
"Omega has some contacts in the police force," said Val. "They should hoepfully be able to find something about the guy and his bitch."
***
Fou-Lu and Poke made their way through the dark caves, their flashlights in one hand and their 9mm handguns in the other. However, nothing was inside the cave, save for a bunch of bats.
"Well, I guess we should try finding a way back up," said Poke. "I'd hate to see your insurance premiums after this, though."
"What are you talking about?" asked Fou-Lu. "It was YOUR car!"
"Damn it!" said Poke. "I knew getting a car that looked exactly like yours would only lead to trouble!"
Just then, they noticed a small wooden door in a corner. When they opened it, they found several charred corpses, as well as tattered clothing and various other items.
"What the hell's with this place?" wondered Fou-Lu outloud. Poke, however, quickly grabbed some stuff from the dead bodies: a cigarrete lighter, a metal flask of rum, an aerosal can of hair spray, and a golden scepter.
"What the hell are you doing?" asked Fou-Lu.
"I've seen this in an adventure game before," said Poke. "You need to grab every item you can, and then use it in bizzare and unworldly ways. Now, let's go!"
***
Galloway, Wil and PC found themselves in a small antechamber. The walls were made completely out of stone, with a thatched roof that had a couple hundred bodies lying on it. Two guards, armed with swords and axes, were lying on the ground, their throats torn out of their necks.
"Where the hell are we?" asked PC.
"I think I know," said Galloway, "but I don't like it one bit. Anyway, we have to get going. I know what that nutcase is after..."
Suddenly, several warriors rushed into the building, armed with various sharp and/or pointy weapons. "It's the demon!" shouted one of them. "The demon that appeared four years ago!"
Galloway now knew where he was...and didn't like it one bit. However, he didn't have time to think about it; the warriors were charging. He raised his sword to defend himself, but one of the warriors knocked it out of his hands with one swing. Wil tried to cast his spells, but he was surrounded and tied up before he could get anything done. PC was taken out easily, since he had no ammo left.
"Do you have any more tricks, demon?" asked one of the warriors. Galloway smiled, then raised his hands to his head and shouted, "TAIYOKEN!"
The warriors were blinded by the flash, allowing Galloway to raise his new sword. One of the warriors, who was standing right next to him, recovered and raised his sword, but Galloway slashed his chest. The man gasped in pain, then fell straight back to the ground as the life force left his body and left him a decripent husk. The other warriors took one look at what had happened to their companion, and high-tailed it out of there.
Wil finally finished casting the Fire spell, which burned his bindings. "What the hell IS that sword?" he asked.
"The Soul Reaver," said Galloway. "It can destroy a person's soul in one swing, which is why it's so feared."
"Whatever," said PC. "Let's just kill that guy and get out of here. With that baby, we can have this done in five minutes, tops!"
"Actually," said Galloway, as he swung the Reaver over his shoulder and sheathed it to a strap on his back, "it drains my energy whenever I use it, so we can't use it freely. I don't have any Senzus right now. Now, let's just get this over with." He grabbed his old sword and led them out of the building, into an all-too-familiar forest.
***
Fou-Lu and Poke walked farther into the cave, until they finally found a bunch of dead bodies chained to the wall. Unlike the previous piles of bodies, these were freshly-dead; their flesh were still attached to their bodies. However, on closer examination, they found the bodies to have completely been drained of their blood.
"Wait a second!" shouted Fou-Lu. "There people dissapeared from the RPG Town Pre-Christmas Party two days ago! What the hell's going on here?"
"Whatever it is," said Poke, "I have a feeling those darn kids in the hotel are behind this. Once we find a way out of here, I'm so going to throw them away for the rest of their little lives!"
***
Weiila searched through the cabinets, only to find dishes, silverware, pots, pans, and loads upon loads of SPAM! "Damn it," she said. "Looks like it's pizza time."
"By the way," said Val, "what happened to Galloway and the other two? They should have been back here ten minutes ago!"
"I don't care!" said Weiila. "I need food! Spam is the spawn of Satan! I need something to sustain myself on!"
"I need beer," shouted Val, "but you don't hear me whining!"
***
"Man, this has been one busy day," said Hane. "But I will always be able to rest on the knowledge that I have very little to do."
Omega, however, was busy on the phone. "Okay, fine, I'll call you back tomorrow. Just have some info by then, or I'll cut off your Italian Sausage supply!" He then slammed the phone down.
***
"Are you sure you know where we're going?" asked PC.
"Yes, believe me," said Galloway. "I am the greatest trail guide to have ever existed! I can find my way out of anything without even using a map! Ha ha ha ha ha!"
"...you suck at lying, Galloway," said Wil. "That's it, I'm leading."
"No way!" said PC. "I'm in charge!"
"Since I can kill you both in one hit," said Galloway, "I'm the leader."
"Screw you!" shouted Wil. "If we hadn't followed that guy here..."
"He would have somehow screwed up the space-time contiuum," said Galloway. "Needless to say, we'll screw it up, as well, but hopefully not to a great degree."
"With our luck," said PC, "we'll end up erasing the concept of money, thus making my entire life worthless."
Suddenly, several screams were heard from the distance. Galloway's Sixth Sense suddenly went through the roof; something very bad was going on.
***
Val began to walk around the hotel in a zombie-like stance. "What the hell's wrong with you?" asked Mabat.
"Beer," said Val, her voice completely devoid of emotion.
"We're minors, idiot!" he shouted. "We can't drink!"
"Beer," responded Val.
"Just...shut up, okay?" asked Mabat.
"Beer," said Val, just before tearing the fridge door open and chugging down about eight hundred bottles of beer. Just then, Star went in for a catgirl porn mag, which was sitting next to the fridge and was now soaked in the alcoholic liquid that had flowed out of Val's mouth. He jumped at the small child.
Val won, like always. Star had to live with the fact that a four-year-old kicked his ass.
***
Galloway, Wil and PC came to a clearing, but quickly ducked into the bushes when they saw what was inside. Several women's bodies, completely stripped, were hanging upside-down from a series of wooden poles. Their throats were cut, and blood was flowing into small metal bowls below them.
Standing in front of this gruesome display was the robed man from before. He picked up one of the bowls and completely drank its contents. "This blood is dissapointing!" he shouted, throwing the bowl onto the ground in a fury. "I must destroy her once and for all! Only her death will satisfy my mother, death!" He then ran off screaming and laughing with malicious glee.
"Well, I can say one thing," said Wil. "This is the most fucked-up Christmas I've ever had."
Then they saw someone else enter the clearing, and ducked again. A young girl, strangely familiar and yet not familiar, walked into the clearing, took one look at the dead bodies, and shook her head. "It looks like the perverted men won't be enjoying their whores anymore."
"Let me guess," whispered PC. "That's a young Val."
"Shut up!" whispered Galloway. "If she sees us..." Then he felt a spear point in his neck.
"Don't move," said the yong Val.
***
Poke and Fou-Lu continued onward. Finally, they reached a stone staircase, which lead to a large platform filled with various dead bodies, all impaled on large spikes. A longbow sat in the middle of the room, its wood covered with various runes. Also sitting next to it was a quiver filled with six silver arrows. Poke picked the items up.
"What now?" asked Fou-Lu. "Do you really think a bunch of silver arrows will help?"
"Silver arrows ALWAYS help!" shouted Poke. "You of all people should know that silver arrows are magical, and can kill anything in one hit!"
***
"You won't get away with this," said Crotanks.
"How long are you going to talk like that?!" shouted SonicBomber. "It's really beginning to annoy me!"
Just then, there was a knock at the door. SonicBomber opened it, revealing a very bizzare guy. He had small eyes, a long, crooket nose, and a yellow suit that looked like a cross between a bad 50's sci-fi movie's villainous outfit and a chicken. The man quickly walked in.
"Ah," said SonicBomber, noting Crotank's surprise, "this is my partner: Krankor."
"Ha............ha...............ha.................ha!" said Krankor, his voice more than annoying. "We have captured you, and will soon torture you and hurt you and blow you up!"
***
"What are you gonna do, Robyn?" asked Galloway.
Robyn pulled her spear back slightly. "Are you...that demon from several years ago?"
"You can say so," said Galloway. "You've grown since then..."
"Just...shut up, okay?" said Robyn. "We've gotta get out of here before-"
The very second she began that sentence, the drunk locals found the dead bodies. "What happened?!" screamed one of the group of unruly villagers. "We must have blood for this! Let's go out and slaughter some random guys! That ALWAYS makes us feel better!" The entire group then killed a bunch of people, threw their bodies into the trees, and ran back to the village cheering.
"We got lucky," said Robyn. "The men go insane when they lose their whores. Now, let's get out of here."
Suddenly, a flash of light appeared behind the group. When they turned, a crazy old guy was standing behind them. He was hunched over an old, wood staff, mostly because of his long, heavy beard.
"I knew it was here!" he said. "The ones who caused the temporal disturbance! They must be forced out!"
"What the hell are you talking about, old man?" asked Wil.
"I am Chronos!" said the old man. "I watch over all of time! You must be sent away!" He then waved his hands, and Wil and PC vanished.
"What the heck..." said Robyn.
"And now," said Chronos, "I shall send you back!" He began to raise his hands, but Galloway quickly pulled out the Soul Reaver. Chronos's face changed to one of total fear.
"The....the Reaver..." he mumbled. He then teleported away, as Wil and PC landed on their heads after falling from the sky. "That didn't take long," said PC.
Galloway quickly put the Soul Reaver away, then thought about what just happened. Chronos had attacked them for some reason. Whatever was going on was big.
***
"Thanks, Wert," said Weiila, as she quickly hanged up the phone. She then sat at the computer and began to hack through the net. Finally, she reached her target: d Galloway's computer.
"Okay, let's see..." she mumbled as she went through all of Galloway's files. "Hitman 2...Deus Ex...Starcraft...Diablo 2...oh dear God! Princess Maker 2?" She quickly reached into the wastebasket and vomited her guts out. This was too sick to blackmail Galloway with.
***
Robyn led Galloway, Wil and PC through the forest, until they reached her shack of a home. "I hope mother's still drunk," whispered Robyn. "I remember what happened last time."
Suddenly, Robyn's mother barged through the door, a knife in her hand. "Robyn!" she shouted. "Where the hell were you? I swear to Odin, you damn kids never listen!" She then looked up, and saw Galloway.
"Oh, Mr. Demon," she said, bowing slightly. "I'm...sorry about that incident several years ago. Please, don't kill me and smear my blood across the land as a sick act of revenge."
"What?" said Galloway. "Oh yeah, I was quite miffed at your attempted murder of me, but I got over that last night. I'm just here to find a man in black."
"Man in black?" asked Robyn's mother. "We have a couple hundred of those a day. It's impossible to find any specific one!"
"He has a wierd voice and babbles about being the son of death," sighed Galloway. "He also screams about killing people without giving a reason and lists the names of hundreds of evil gods and demons, many of which have long since faded from all memory."
"Oh, THAT man in black!" Robyn's mother said. "He's staying at the inn at the village. Strange guy; he doesn't drink anything."
"Well, we'll be seeing you," said Galloway. Then he noticed something that catched his eye; a flash in the trees behind the house. He quickly threw Robyn down as a bolt of lightning struck where her head was half a second ago. Whatever was in the tree jumped down and ran off.
"What the hell?" asked Wil. "This is REALLY getting fucked up!"
"Hey!" shouted Robyn's mother. "I will not allow such Odin-damned language around my daughter! Either stop that now, or I'll go bitch on your ass!" Galloway didn't even comment on that; Robyn and PC just rolled their eyes.
"Anyway," said Robyn's mother, "would you please come inside? It's getting late, and the others should be getting home soon." Robyn, Wil and PC followed quickly, with Galloway in the back. When he came inside, Robyn's mother brought a knife down on his back, but he quickly used a Repel spell to stop the damage.
"Did you think I'd fall for THAT old trick again?" asked Galloway. "Good thing I don't hold grudges for very long, is it?" Robyn's mother sighed.
"Have a seat," she said. "This will be a while."
***
Weiila tried to purge the thought of Galloway playing Princess Maker 2 by walking in the hallway. Suddenly, she fell to the ground, her head pounding in pain. When she got back up, she was in the nightmare world again.
***
Robyn's mother threw another empty cask of beer outside. "I'm telling you," she said, "we need to get more beer around here! My no-good husband keeps drinking it all!"
"Really?" mumbled Galloway, rolling his eyes at the same time. "Anyway, I'm gonna go down to the village and see about that guy. Anyone want to come with?"
"I'd better stay here," said Robyn. "Mom's gonna pass out soon, and I'll have to get her back up before dad gets home."
"I'll stay, too," said PC. Galloway was a bit surprised, until he saw the piano wire PC was hiding in his coat.
"I'll go," said Wil. "You'll need a mage, anyway."
Galloway and Wil walked out of the house just as Robyn's mother staggered outside, cursed, and fell into a pile of mud. Robyn sighed, then dragged her back inside. "It's like this every evening," she grumbled.
***
"Why don't we camp?" asked Fou-Lu. "It's beginning to get late."
"Fine," said Poke. "We'll stop here, in this nondescript part of the caves, for now."
***
"Weiila!" shouted Star. "Where are you? Did you find anything we can blackmail Galloway with?" When nobody responded, he paniced and ran around screaming...until Val punched him in the balls.
***
Weiila tried all the doors, but they were busted. When she went up to the fourth floor, all the doors were busted once again. She then went up to the fifth floor, where all the doors were again busted, except for the one leading to Val's room.
Inside, she saw Gungnir lying on the bed. Despite the wierd feeling of this whole thing, she grabbed the spear. Suddenly, she felt a strange feeling behind her. Raising the spear, she quickly turned.
Behind her was the worst thing she could imagine: Pyramid Head.
***
Galloway and Wil finally reached the village. The streets were filled with drunks, the buildings were filled with drunks, and drunk guards patrolled the streets. Galloway and Wil finally found the tavern, and quickly slipped inside.
A bunch of drunk guys were inside, each one armed with some kind of sharp and/or pointy weapon. They immediately turned towards the two wierd-looking guys, eyed them with suspicion, then went back to their drinks. Galloway and Wil sat at a table in the corner, then watched all the activity.
"I'm tellin' ya," said one of the nearby patrons, "those two are just as wierd as that guy in black!"
"It's not just that!" said another patron. "One of those guys looks like the demon from the Shrine of Idiots! I hear that demon stole a man's soul in one move!"
"That's nothing!" said an old drunk. "Why, back in my day, I fought two hundred demons! And killed them all without so much as a sword! I fought them all off with a tiny stick! Their blood-"
"Shut up!" said yet another drunk. "We're all tired of hearing your stories!"
Just as he was finishing, the tavern door swung open again. Robyn, PC and Robyn's mother walked into the tavern. "Ah," said the tavern keeper, "good to see you back, ma'am! Have you sobered up yet!"
"Yeah," she said. "I'm just looking for my husband. Have you seen him?"
"No, he hasn't been here all day," said the tavern keeper. "Why not have a drink?"
"Not right now," she said. "I'm more worried about getting my husband first. Is the inn still open?"
"Of course," said the tavern keeper. "The insane old man hasn't passed out yet. Why not check?"
"Fine," said Robyn's mother. She took Robyn and PC through a side door. Galloway and Wil followed at a distance, but the tavern keeper stood in their way.
"You don't leave until you drink somethin'," he said. Galloway quicky noted the dirt and grime that covered the man.
"I'll take whatever you've touched the least," said both of them.
***
Heaven's Soldier decided to take a quick walk, just to kill some time. However, the second he stepped outside, a big hole appeared under him, sending him tumbling into darkness.
***
(Many more adventures happened in the past. Unfortunately, our camera man accidently dropped the equipment into a lake during a crack-induced high, so we had to bring in some new equipment...and a new cameraman...and a janitor to clean up the messy remains of the previous cameraman. Remember, WINNERS DON'T DO DRUGS! And now, back to the program already in progress.)
"I cannot be stopped!" said the man in black as he flew back into the temple, Robyn tucked underneath his arm. Galloway sat Robyn's mother down and ran off after him, Soul Reaver in tow. Wil sighed, stopped his pervasive hitting on Robyn's sister, and joined Galloway, grabbing PC by the collar on his way in.
The man pushed some switches on the wall, which caused a strange orb-thingy on a pedastol with two handles to pop up. He then touched some more switches, this time similar to the one in the giant room from before. And finally, he held a knife to little Robyn's throat.
"I will destroy her!" he said. "I am the son of death! Those who stand in my way shall die!"
"That's it!" said Galloway. "You've pissed me off for TOO LONG! Prepare to die!" He then threw out an energy beam. The man raised Robyn to block it, but the end changed directions in mid-air and rammed right through his leg. He fell to his knees, dropping Robyn in the process.
"I AM THE SON OF DEATH!" he screamed. "I CANNOT BE DEFEATED!"
Galloway thrusted the Soul Reaver forward, impaling the man. He gasped as his soul was drained from his body, then turned to dust. Galloway sighed, then sheathed the Reaver. "What an idiot."
Suddenly, a large iron gate fell over the entrance. The room began to shake, and the ceiling began to cave in. Galloway grabbed everyone and took them to the center of the room, then grabbed the handles on the orb. A bunch of lights followed, and then they dissapeared, just as the roof caved in completely.
***
"Okay, big and gruesome," said Weiila, holding Gungnir straight out in front of her, "let's rumble!" Pyramid Head raised his sword again, only to stop when a siren went off in the distance. It slowly lowered the sword, then stalked off. Weiila was confused as heck, but she didn't have time to think about it; she was back in the real world.
And she was still holding Gungnir. And Val was standing in front of her. And Val was VERY pissed.
***
Galloway, Wil and PC landed with a thud in the big chamber. "That was a halfway decent adventure," said Galloway. "I just loved when we fought the seven hundred monsters from hell."
"Naw," said PC. "The best part was the evil demon king! You've gotta admit, that WAS a good plan of mine!"
"You're all wrong!" said Wil. "The best part was when the last three whores in the village stripped down right in front of me! If the evil army of darkness hadn't shown up, it would have been even better!"
"You're all wrong!" said a small voice. "The best part was when we escaped just before the ceiling collapsed! Speaking of which, where are we?"
Galloway, Wil and PC turned...and saw Robyn standing behind them. They did what any person would do at this point: they fainted.
***
Heaven's Soldier climbed back to his feet. He was now in a basement of some sort. Shelves were on practically every inch of the walls, each one stacked with moldy food, bulging cans, and various other crap that had long since passed its expiration date. There was a metal door on one side, but when he tried to open it, it was locked from the other side.
"Did the perverted man tell you anything?" said a booming voice from out of nowhere. "All those that celebrate Christmas in this hotel shall die!" Suddenly, several snakes popped out of the ground; unfortunately, the ghost had forgotten to strip Heaven's Soldier of his sword, as he killed the snakes quite quickly. As if by the laws of the gaming universe, the door magically opened as soon as the last snake was dead. Heaven's Soldier didn't question this, though; he just went through.
After climbing a bit staircase, he found another door, which led to a small hallway, which led to ANOTHER door, followed by another hallway, etc. Finally, after eighty doors or so, he reached a dead-end, with a switch built into the wall. When he pressed the switch, the wall at the end opened, revealing the kitchen. The second he crossed through, the wall closed behind him.
***
"Okay," said Robyn, after beating everyone up enough that they woke up, "what's going on here?"
"Well," said Galloway, "this is where we chased that man in black to. He ran through a portal, we followed him, we killed him, we saved you, we got you sucked back through to this place, and now we have a couple hundred bruises thanks to you. Does that bring you up to speed?"
"Where...am...I?" growled Robyn.
"Okay, I'll level with you," said Galloway. "If we did return to the place we left off, you are now 1000 years in the future."
The color flushed out of Robyn's face. "1...1000 years?" she muttered. Then her color returned, along with a smile. "Wow! I get to see the future!"
"Two things," said Wil. "One, we don't know WHEN we are, and second, your very presence could alter the entire space-time contiuum. We'll have to get you back home as quickly as possible."
Suddenly, Val came running into the room, her hands and face bloodied. "About time you showed up!" she shouted. "Weiila fell down the stairs, then ran into an umbrella stand and rolled into a pit of alligators!" She then saw Robyn...who then saw her...
"Uh, Robyn," said Galloway, "this is...uh..."
"We'll worry about names later," said Val. "Let's just get out of here. This whole place is creepy." They quickly made their way out of the secret wine cellar.
***
"Let's go over this one more time," said Starstorm. He then went into a long tirade on stuff:
"Galloway, Wil and PC went into the past, where they had a series of adventures involving an attempt to alter history. They killed the man that began these events, but in the process accidently brought a gril from the past to here. We'll have to get her back to her time as quickly as possible.
"Heaven's Soldier barely escaped another attack from our spooky patron, the ghost. We are still at base 1 on who this guy is, why he's here, or who the mysterious Elizabeth he mentioned is. Fortunately, we have some contacts that might give us some info.
"We have yet to hear from Half-Santa or SonicBomber yet, but we ARE still looking for them. Also, I like pie." Everyone was already asleep when he said that last sentence. After getting kicked back awake, they all went to bed.
***
Val woke up the next morning, a minor hangover pounding her brain apart. She climbed out of bed, slowly stalked past her past self, who was snoring soundly, got dressed, etc. She then went downstairs to get some breakfast.
PC, meanwhile, followed her in suit. When they were both in the dining room, though, a net fell over both of them, followed by Galloway, Pierson, Omega, Mabat, and Hane tackling them and handcuffing them to each other.
"These are kagonite handcuffs," said Galloway. "They cannot be destroyed by anything. You two have some Christmas shopping to do. You two are going downtown by yourselves, since it's only natural that little kids can easily make their ways around a big city. If any one of you returns here dead, I will kill the other, then revive both of you and make you sit in a corner. Okay, BYE!" He then grabbed both of them and teleported both of them downtown, then teleported himself away.
***
The phone began to ring almost immediately after Val and PC were gone. Omega quickly answered it. "Hello? You do? That's great! She's where? Really? That's quite a ways away. Okay, thanks for the help. Yes, I'll send some italian sausage right away. Bye!" He then hung the phone back up and shouted, "MABAT! I'VE FOUND HER!"
Then he saw that Mabat had been standing behind him the whole time.
***
"Okay," said Val, "I'm handcuffed to my worst enemy. I can handle it. I just have to kill all the others when I get out of these damn cuffs!"
"My thoughts exactly," said PC. "Let's just get this done. And this Christmas, let's just give each other death and pestilence, okay?" Val nodded her approval.
They quickly began to pick up stuff, but Val accidently knocked PC into a mud puddle, causing him to ruin his fine stolen black shoes. "Hey!" shouted someone from the corner. "Would you like to have your boots blackened?"
They walked up to the speaker. He was a 20-odd-year-old japanese man, with a faded shirt and pants and an old shoeshine kit. "You probably need it," he continued. "A fall in the mud could hurt anyone's shoes."
"Fine," said PC. "Just please hurry." The japanese guy began to shine PC's shoes, making them shine almost instantly.
"My name is Wally," the man said. "I just came into town a few days ago, and need a place to stay. Do you know of any building that would kindly take me in?"
Val talked first this time. "We're helping at a hotel for the holidays. Maybe you could stay there for a few bucks. It's that one at the top of the mountain road."
"That sounds very good," said Wally.
Suddenly, laser blasts echoed from the streets. Several guys, dressed in stupid sci-fi b-movie costumes ran onto the scene. They had stupid-looking, chicken-like faces, complete with long, hooked noses.
"This city," said one of them, "is hearby seized in the name of the Phantom of Krankor!" Krankor himself walked in from behind.
"Ha..............ha..............ha................ha..............ha," laughed Krankor. "This city has been conquered, and you will have no defense against me!" Wally jumped off and ran into a building, while Val and PC reached for their weapons...then realized Galloway hadn't teleported THOSE with them.
"Hurry up!" said Krankor, pointing at Val and PC. "Kill those diferense!" Nobody knew WHAT the hell he was talking about, but they raised their lasers at Val and PC.
Suddenly, laser blasts rang from the corner. A man ran out, wearing a stupid white suit that looked like something Evil Kenival thought about wearing while half-drunk. He raised some kind of tiny gun, which extended to a big attenae-gun.
"Phantom of Krankor, head my words!" he said. "I warn you to leave this planet! You are not welcome here! I warn you, for the last time!"
"Kill him!" shouted Krankor. The evil guys fired several laser blasts at the man, but he bounced them off using his attenae. He then shot them until they ran off, their hands over their heads. Only Krankor stayed.
"Ha ha ha ha!" said the man. "Your weapons will have no affect on me!"
"Curse you, ya scum!" said Krankor. He then ran off. The man ran off in another direction.
A few minutes later, Wally returned from the building. "That was some evil man," he said. "I hope everything is all right."
"Don't worry," said PC. "It looks like this guy has nothing more to do than beat a bunch of incompetent enemies. Now, let's return to the hotel. Still wanna come?"
"Of course!" said Wally. "I would love to come! How much will it cost me?"
"We'll discuss that there," said Val. "Let's just get out of here before anything wierder happens." Right on cue, a wierd song began to play out of nowhere, as a black car with a jet engine roared past them multiple times. They then boarded a bus and went back to the hotel.
***
Wil and Galloway sat in the big room, drinking coffee and eating bagels. Strangely, everything was quiet; a rare site indeed for an overlooked hotel like this. It was also comforting; it seems Hane had discovered the frozen corpse of an axe-wielding maniac that went crazy in the hotel, along with a note that read, "HAVE ANY OF YOU FUCKS READ THE SHINING?!"
"Okay," said Wil. "Do we have any idea how to work this thing?"
"Of course!" said Galloway. "We just push the little button-thingies, then a portal opens, then we shove Robyn back through, and the space-time contiuum is thereby saved!"
"...you have no fucking clue what we're doing, do you?" said Wil. "I have the sudden urge to throw a scalding pot of coffee into your eyes right now."
"You wouldn't dare," said Galloway. The hot coffee hit his eyes that very second, blinding him. Wil then let loose a series of Firagas, Blizzagas, Thudagas, Watagas, etc. When the elements stopped wrecking havoc, Galloway slowly climbed back to his feet.
"You asked for it, Wilfredo!" cursed Galloway. He powered up the Kaioken and charged at Wil, who was still chanting another spell. Galloway socked him once across the head, sending him flying into the far wall. He ran into a few switches, which caused one of the portals to activate.
Two beings crossed through the portal. Galloway instantly recognized them...
***
Poke and Fou-Lu continued down the many passages, looking for a way out. Finally, they found a wooden staircase, which led to a wooden door. They opened it, and were elated to find the kitchen. Weiila walked in, took one look at the two, and muttered, "Why does every door seem to lead to the kitchen?"
"Lady," said Pokefreak, "you are under arrest for many, many, MANY murders! Come quietly, or we will fill your body with bullets and have to fill out hundreds of thousands of pages of paperwork to defend my actions!"
"Shut up, Poke!" said Fou-Lu. "You're still screwed up by that school bus incident."
"I'M A GOOD COP!" shouted Poke.
Weiila sighed. "You're both lousy cops. We haven't murdered anybody."
"Then how do you explain..." began Poke. He then turned around, only to find that the passage had magically sealed itself up.
***
Galloway looked at the figures with surprise...and they looked at him with surprise.
"Daddy?"
"Maria?" asked Galloway. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"I...I don't know," she said. "I was just working as a winter caretaker for some hotel, found this place, and next thing I knew, I was here!"
Their eyes then turned to the cat-boy standing next to her. "Kerr?" asked Wil. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"I'm TRYING to take care of a hotel, Mr. Biggest-Perb-In-The-Universe!" said Kerr.
"What the hell did you call me?" shouted Wil.
"The Biggest-Perb-In-The-Universe," said Kerr. He pulled out a 2028 issue of Playboy, which showed Wil on the cover. It read, "Wilfredo Martinez: The Biggest Perb in the Universe!"
"...Okay," said Wil, taking the Playboy. "Now we have to send YOU back, too!"
"Sorry, daddy," said Maria. "I shouldn't have been trying to find a makeout spot."
"No proble-" began Galloway, until he suddenly caught the last part of that sentence. "MAKEOUT SPOT?! Maria, you are thirteen years old! I don't want you hanging around with that no-good kid!"
"Hey!" said Kerr. "I'll have you know I was only trying to bring her back! Nothing more!"
Galloway looked at him briefly. "Fine. Let's get you guys some breakfast, at least." He and Wil then left.
"Phew," whispered Kerr. "I never thought he'd fall for that. For all I knew, he would think we were trying to have sex."
Galloway suddenly dashed back in the room. "Were you trying to have sex with my daughter?" he shouted. He jumped onto Kerr and began to punch his brains out.
***
"We must hurry!" said Wally. "Those spacemen won't be gone for long!"
"I know!" shouted Val. "You've been saying that for the last hour! This bus isn't exactly a rocket, you know!"
***
Santa sat in his tiny cell, waiting for a chance to escape. Finally, an evil elf entered the room, carrying a metal tray with a can of baked beans. Santa knocked the elf out, tied him to the bed, then ran out of the cell.
After narrowly avoiding capture several more times, he reached the launching pad, where his sled was waiting. Suddenly, several hundred elves ran into the room, each one carrying a sub-machine gun. Leading them was Half-Santa himself.
"Thought you could escape, my good-twin-half-brother?!" shouted Half-Santa. "Ho Ho Ho! You should have known it would be futile! Now that the cannon has been repaired, I can execute my master plan! You shall be powerless against me!" He then rolled back his head and let out a massive laugh.
Santa, however, had already jumped into the sled, and was about to fly off. The elves opeend fire, destroying the reighs just as Santa was getting high into the air.
Santa slammed the obligatory "Emergency glass panel" and pressed a red button. A large fan and parachute emerged from the back of the sled, as he flew off in a hurry.
***
"Krankor!" said SonicBomber. "What happened to you?"
"That cursed Prince of Space!" muttered Krankor. "I'm going to kill him myself if it's the last thing I do!"
"Shut up and listen!" said SonicBomber. "My list of places to destroy is now much longer. I am going for the biggest bombing in history. I'm going to destroy the entire internet!"
***
Weiila sat at the table, eating a bowl of cereal. "What a terrible Christmas so far," she sighed. "I've been turned into a teenager, an evil guy is planning to blow up RPGC, and I waited until the last second to buy Christmas gifts. Things couldn't possibly get any worse..."
Then she saw Kerr standing next to her. She spat out her cereal, which spattered all over Kerr. "Uh, mom?" he said. "I hate cereal."
"KERR?!" shouted Weiila. "WHAT THE GODDAMN HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE! YOU WERE SENT BACK TO THE FUTURE!" Then she saw Maria behind him. She shoveled some more cereal into her mouth, then spat it out onto Maria.
"Uh, Kerr's mom?" said Maria. "I hate this kind of cereal."
"MARIA?!" shouted Weiila. "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS THIS?! HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET BACK HERE!"
"Long story," said Kerr. "Let's just say we're here for a little while."
Robyn then walked down the stairs, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She saw Maria and Kerr standing next to Weiila, then smacked herself in the head. "Wake up, Robyn," she said. "This is all a dream. You aren't seeing an angel and two demons standing next to each other. You're waiting for your sister to sneak you some booze. That's all that's going on." Then she looked up again...and fainted.
***
"It will take a while to place the explosives," said SonicBomber. "It will be at least Christmas Eve before every server can be taken out."
"You won't get away with this!" said Crotanks. "We WILL save the Internet!"
"Shut up!" said SonicBomber. "This Christmas will be one nobody will EVER forget!"
***
Val, PC and Wally got off at the bus stop, which was on the front step of the hotel. "Oh my gosh," said Wally. "This really is a big hotel!"
"Yeah, whatever," said PC. He began to open the door, but stopped when he heard the madness from within. "They're going at it. We'd better go through the secret basement door Heaven's Soldier found."
***
After five minutes of brutal fighting, everyone (except Robyn, who was still passed out) was beaten within an inch of their lives by Poke and Fou-Lu, who were wielding nightsticks. "Okay, folks!" said Poke. "We've found enough evidence to lock you all away for the rest of your lives!"
He then held up a small letter. "We found this is the mailbox today!" he shouted triumphantly. "And guess who's fingerprints are all over it!"
"Probably mine," said Weiila, "since I signed it!"
"Yeah!" shouted Poke. "And guess what this letter is?"
"It's a goddamn letter to my sister!" shouted Weiila. "I was just telling her that everything's alright!"
Poke then tore the envelope open and looked at the letter. When he looked up from it, his face was flushed with embarrasment. "Eh heh heh heh...yeah."
"Let's just go, Poke," said Fou-Lu. "We can deal with this back at the station. Sorry to bother you, but we WILL be back!" They then left.
Finally, Val, PC and Wally came out from the basement. "We're done!" shouted Val. "Now remove the damn handcuffs!"
Galloway sighed, then pulled a sniper rifle out of the closet and shot the handcuffs off. PC's eyes blasted open with surprise. "You mean, all I had to do was SHOOT it?! And to think I found all my spare ammo just an hour before I went to bed last night!"
"Hello, there," said Wally, bowing slightly. "I seek to stay in your hotel for a few days."
"All right," said Galloway. "I think it's alright."
***
"I am so embarresed," sighed Poke.
"Whatever," said Fou-Lu. "We'll bust them for something. Oh, and you're a lousy cop."
"I'M A GOOD COP!" shouted Poke."
***
"So, Robyn," asked Val, as they were going back to their room, "how is it here so far?"
"Besides the hundreds of demons, monstrosities, and freaks-of-nature, it's not so bad," said Robyn. "Besides, I found a cute guy."
"Really?" asked Val. She didn't remember looking at guys before. "Which one?"
"That guy in the black," said Robyn. "The guy that's a little older than you."
Val already figured out who it was, though. And she screamed with all her might.
***
Part 2