SUPER-HAPPY-BIG-BIG FF break room!!!
by d_Galloway
*the set is empty. Gemini continues to check his watch*
Gemini: Let's see. According to this, he should have been here an hour ago...
*Galloway enters the room, gasping for air*
Galloway: We...need...an...elevator!
Gemini: It's about time!
Galloway: Welcome...to...the...FF...Break...Room...*collapses*
Gemini: Oookay. Switch to camera 1.
*switches to camera one*
*The scene is just outside the entrance to the break room. Rydia, Squall, Black Mage, Vivi, and Aeris are standing by the door*
Rydia: Okay, just exactly how long are we going to wait?
Aeris: Knowing this loser, he'll be here any second.
*Locke appears, carrying a large, full sack*
Squall:...there is is. Let's kill him.
Locke: What the fuck?
Black Mage: Listen you, I don't know what the hell you're trying to do here, but nobody makes a quick buck without telling me so I can bash their brains in and take everything!
Vivi: Yeah!
Locke: Who talked? Sqaull? Celes? That crazy Galloway guy?
Squall: Celes did. She also said you have to get your own bed from now on.
Locke: I knew we were having problems, but nothing like this.
Rydia: In any case, give us the bag.
Locke: PLEASE! I need more money!
Vivi: Mo' money, mo' problems!
Everyone else: *stares at Vivi*
Vivi:...I'll shut up now.
Everyone else: Good call.
Squall: Wait a second...
Aeris: Now what?
Squall: Normally there's massive pandamonium by this moment, right?
Vivi: Yeah...
Squall: But it's quiet right now. A bit too quiet.
Locke: Now that you mention it, it IS a bit too quiet...
Aeris: *quickly opens the door*
*the break room is a complete mess, with empty milk cartons tossed all over, broken chairs, broken desks, broken computers, broken everything. The only thing not broken is a note on the door*
Black Mage: Man, who the hell destroyed this and didn't invite me?
Rydia: *takes the note* "We know about the Youth Water. We have taken everyone here hostage. The only exceptions were some that were not present. Either surrender all the Youth Water you possess to us, or you will never see your friends again. Oh yeah, and we've also done something terrible to them."
Aeris: Hurry, we must save them!
Locke: But where the hell are they? Is there a relay point?
Rydia: No. And the last few letters look like they were written in a hurry.
Black Mage: I think I know someone who can help us.
Vivi: Yay for Mr. Black Mage!
Black Mage: Heh heh heh, shut up, my disciple. Anyway, follow me.
*everyone follows Black Mage*
***
Galloway: *picks himself up* What happened?
Gemini: They've walked out of the range of our cameras.
Galloway: Where did they go?
Gemini: The last I could tell, they were heading towards the Crono series break room.
Galloway:...brother, I put a camera in there, too.
Gemini: Oh.
*switches to camera*
*the Crono break room is just like all of the others, except is has a door leading to a basement. Everyone takes a seat at the table*
Locke: So, who is this person anyway?
Black Mage: He is a wise man, capable of scathing yet truthful advice. He's been in the basement, drinking coffee and eating pizzas. I'd like to introduce him now. *opens the basement door*
*Matt Foley, the motivational speaker, steps out*
Matt: Hello there, peoples! My name is Matt Foley, and I'm a motivational speaker. I'm fourty, I'm divorced, and I live in a van down by the river.
Locke:...*stares in shock*
Matt: Now I know what you're thinking. You think you're going to go out there, take the world and put it in your pocket. Well, if you keep thinking like that, you're going to end up like me, living off a steady diet of government cheese and living in a van down by the river.
Aeris: Man, this is depressing.
Matt: Now my friend, Mr. Black Mage, says that you want to save your friends. Well, if you don't hurry it up, your friends are going to end up like that girl around here, and you are going to be living in a van down by the river.
Rydia: *raises an eyebrow* Girl?
Matt: Yeah. Some guy in a black robe left her in the basement. Of course, he didn't notice me. After all, I live off bad food stamps and live in a van down by the river.
Vivi: Does he end every sentence with "down by the river"?
Matt: Man, do we have a little Sherlock Holmes here, or what? With that attitude, you'll end up like me, living in a van-
Everyone else:-down by the river.
Locke: Bring her up!
Matt: Okay, okay, hold your horses. *walks down the stairs*
Squall: God, that guy is annoying.
Black Mage: But he works, doesn't he?
*Matt returns from the basement with a small dog carrier. A blanket is thrown over it*
Matt: Here's the little rascal that will end up living in a van down by the river.
Locke: *removes the blanket*
*Inside is a baby Celes*
Rydia:...Celes?
Vivi: What happeend to her?
Matt: He tried to do that with me, but inside every piece of government cheese is the ability to remain immune to good things forever. That's why I continue to live in a van down by the river.
Aeris: So Celes was turned into a baby?
Matt: And here's a note. *gives Locke a note*
Locke: *reads note* "We found a bottle of the Youth Water. We decided to tests its effects on your girlfriend. If you wish to return her to normal, gather these items: the skin of the Evil One, the scales of a princess-kidnapping dinosaur, the electric powers of a rat, and the milk of Mr. T. Once she's grown up again, I'll come for the water."
Rydia: We have no choice.
Matt: I know how to gather those materials! All you have to do is take that dimensional-hopping machine in the back. But first, why don't you bring along two of my pals?
Vivi: Hey, the more the merrier.
Everyone else: *stares at Vivi*
Vivi: I'll shut up now.
Everyone else: Good call.
Matt: Now, here's my first friend. He is used to dimension-hopping. His name is Serge, from Crono Cross!
*Serge enters the room*
Locke: Hopefully, he can talk. Can you talk?
Serge:...
Black Mage: Damn, another mute!
Matt: Next is some little kid I can't understand. His name is Kenny, from South Park!
*Kenny enters the room*
Kenny: *speaks in muffled tones*
Rydia:...fuck.
Aeris: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm glad he's here. We're safe as long as he's around; he's always the first to die.
Kenny: *muffled words*
Celes: *begins to cry uncontrollably*
Black Mage: Follow me.
*everyone (except Matt and Celes) follows Black Mage*
***
Galloway: Damn! They're out of range again!
Gemini: Well, that's it, then.
Galloway: Yeah...see ya! *leaves*
***
*the next room is filled with a large, portal-esque machine*
Serge:...! ...!!!
Kenny: *muffled words*
Black Mage: Well, here it is. Now let's get started, shall we?
Rydia: Okay, so how does this work?
Black Mage: It's easy. All you have to do is push this button...*pushes a button*...and enter what you're looking for...*enters THE EVIL ONE*...and step through.
*everyone steps through*
***
*everyone lands in a small, corpse-filled room*
Locke: *gets up* Damn! This place is freaky!
Aeris: Uhhh! My dress is ruined!
Rydia: Do you know how hard it is to get blood stains out of clothes?
Black Mage: Yeah. I have to do that every other week.
Kenny: *looks around* *muffled words*
*a sickening thud is heard from an adjoining room*
Squall:...*draws the gunblade*
*Rick (wearing the Terror Mask) smashes through the door*
Vivi: Mr. Rick!
Rick: Huh? Kid? Get out of my way, I have to save Jennifer!
Black Mage: Hey, mind if we join up?
Mask: Fine. You're running out of time anyway.
*everyone continues onward*
*about a hundred dead zombies later...*
Rick: *smashes down a door*
*a big, ugly, worm-like monster with legs runs off, leaving everyone with a gigantic, ape-like monster*
Rick: Stand back!
Everyone else: No problems there! *stand back*
Rick: rrrrrrrRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! *turns into Monster Rick*
Everyone else: *is shocked*
Monster Rick: *rips the monster apart, then reverts to normal Rick*
Rick: Quickly, we must save the others!
*several stages later...*
Rick: *adds the finishing blow to the Evil One*
Evil One: *dies*
Vivi: *grabs a piece of the Evil One*
Mask: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! Now that the Evil One is gone, I will rule the world! *possesses the body of the Evil One* Huh? Why is there some power missing?
Rick: *smiles, then destroys the mask forever*
Mask: *breaks apart and dies*
Everyone else (besides Rick): *vanishes*
***
Black Mage: Now to set it again...*sets it for PRINCESS-KIDNAPPING DINOSAUR*...and here we go!
*everyone steps through*
***
*everyone lands in a small field. The ground is made out of brown blocks; in fact, there are brown blocks all around them*
Locke: *looks at himself* AAAAAAAHHH!!! I'm pixilated!
Rydia: Yesh. I hate this.
Squall: What the hell's going on here?
*Mario comes running up*
Mario: Hey-a! Your-a blockin-a my-a way-a!
Aeris: Great, another little midget.
Mario: *uses a Super Mushroom*
Serge:...!
Kenny: *just looks up*
Mario: Excuse-a me-a! *accidently jumps on Kenny, killing him*
Rydia: Oh my God! He killed Kenny!
Locke: You bastard!
Mario: *walks towards Bowser's castle*
Black Mage: Wait a second. "Princess-kidnapping Dinosaur"? BOWSER!!!
Vivi: Quickly! After him!
*everyone chases after Mario*
*many levels later...*
Mario: *grabs the axe*
Bowser: *gulps*
Locke: *quickly steals some scales*
Bridge: *collapses*
Locke: *jumps on Bowser's head, then jumps onto the platform*
Bowser: *dies*
Everyone else (besides Mario): *vanishes*
***
Black Mage: Now to set it for...*sets it to RAT WITH ELECTRICAL POWERS*...and-
*Pikachu steps through the portal*
Pikachu: Pika pika!
Everyone else (besides Vivi): *screams*
Vivi: Ahhh, it's so cute.
Pikachu: Pika?
Black Mage: Well, there's one less thing to worry about. Now to get the milk of Mr. T.
Kenny: *magically reappears*
Aeris: Huh? How'd he do that?
Black Mage: Easy; he's Kenny. He never stays dead.
Locke: I'll go get the milk. Everyone else stay here. *leaves*
Matt: *enters* Excuse me, but little baby back there just answered a call of nature.
Everyone else: *leaves*
Matt: Man, this is even worse than having to live in a van down by the river.
***
Locke: *sneaks into Mr. T's kitchen and grabs some milk*
*Alarm goes off. Mr. T appears out of nowhere*
Mr. T: All right, sucka! Prepare to be thrown!
Locke: *gulps*
Mr. T: *throws Locke and the milk helluva far*
Locke: *conviently lands with the milk in the Break Room*
Aeris: It's about time you came back!
Rydia: Yeah! Now let's get to work! According to this new note, "Mix the scales, skin, and milk into a large pot, place it over the electric rat, and have it fry it for five minutes. Then feed it to the girl. I will arrive then."
Black Mage: Well, let's get this over with.
***
Vivi: *finishes mixing everything* There. It's over.
Pikachu: *stops shocking everything*
*A man in a black robe appears*
Man: Thank you. Now give me the Youth Water.
Locke: No! It's mine!
Man: No, it was mine, and will always be mine. I do not tolerate thievery.
Aries: Who the hell are you?
Serge: *nods*
Kenny: *muffled words*
Man: Fine. Do as you please. I'll simply move them over here...
*the bottles of water move into a pyramid behind the Man*
Man:...and destroy you all! *fires off a huge energy blast*
Blast: *swerves away towards Kenny*
Man: *fires off several more blasts*
Blasts: *all swerve towards Kenny*
Kenny: *is blown to pieces by the blasts*
Rydia: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
Locke: You bastards!
Black Mage: Quick! Do something!
Rydia: *quickly summons Bahamut*
Bahamut: ROOOAAAARRR!!!
Man: *gulps* I'm outta here. *teleports away*
Bahamut: *accidently swallows all the bottles of water*
Rydia: Oh, shit...
Bahamut: *turns into baby Bahamut*
Rydia: *turns into baby Rydia*
Serge:...!!!!!
Locke: Okay. A little explanation, please.
Squall: She's a summoner. Whatever happens to her summon happens to her.
Black Mage: Well, that does explain it.
Locke: Do we have enough for three courses?
Vivi: I don't think so.
Squall: Damnit! Well, guess it's back to getting the stuff.
Black Mage: Yep, seems so.
*everyone who wasn't turned into a baby leaves*
Kenny: *magically reappears*
Bahamut: *fries Kenny*
Kenny: *dies*
***
*after re-mixing the ingredients*
Black Mage: Well, Mr. Matt Foley, it's been a pleasure working with you.
Matt: Yeah, but where're those friends of yours?
*All the missing FF characters appear*
Black Mage: What happened to you?
White Mage: That maniac locked us up inside Pokemon!
Auron: It's a good thing those monsters faint easily.
Cecil: *looks at the three infantized FF characters* And what the hell happened here?
Locke: You wouldn't believe me.
Matt: Well, I have to tell you something. I've decided to live here! I'll follow you guys everywhere! Everyone will say "there's you, there's Matt. There's you, there's Matt." And do you know why? Because I'm sick and tired of living in a van down by the river! *leaves to get his stuff*
Black Mage: *quickly barricades the door* Man, he's a nice guy when he visits, but you don't want him to live with you.
Aeris: People, let's get this over with.
***
(Needless to say, everything was returned to normal)
***
Galloway: *is eating pizza* What? Their little thing is over? Man, that was longer than usual. Oh well. *goes back to work*
THE END!!!
The Final Fantasy Breakroom part 12