RPG Classics Mailbag
Well, this was just downright pathetic. I mean, I bring you people the revival of the RPGC Mailbag Battle Royale! And what do I get?! Four replies. I had to extend the deadline TWICE to give me something more to work with, which brought me up to a grand total of six, one of which, well, I'll get to that in a second. Anyway, I just don't get it. How do you people expect me to dispense with the funnies when you give me nothing to work with?! You bunch of goddamn freeloaders. Well, you'll get your mailbag anyway, but I can't promise you'll like it.
I'd be impressed if anyone liked your OTHER mailbags!
Silence you. Anyway, here's how this thing's gonna break down:
Of the six replies I got, five I can work with. The sixth, well actually the fifth in chronological order, was sent to me after the original due date but before I announced my
No one can dispute the fact that a battle royale between every single good RPG character in existence would be anything but complete and utter chaos. It can't be described in mortal terms, some of these guys are so bloody strong.
Since there are just so many, politics would be the deciding factor, and by politics I mean the decisions made by characters as to who to gun for first. Intelligence and backstabbing would be premium qualities here, since there can be only one winner in the end.
When cut down the final four, it is my bet that the four smartest and double-crossing 'good' characters would survive thanks to a renowned capacity to make temporary alliances in the crowd and stay away from the big boys until they're weak. I'm talking about:
1. Eva (MGS3, anyone tries to get her, she just pops her jacket open or drives away on her bike)
Other possible candidates that were skipped because they either are: not RPG characters, not 'good guys' per se, or just too boastful and powerful to be sneaky:
Seymour Guado (he'd rock if he could enter), Nom Anor (NJO), Magus Zeal, Revolver Ocelot, Riku (KH), Ozzie, Jim Phelps, Kain (FF IV), Seifer Almasy, Amarant Coral, and a lot of others. Treachearey (sp?) is primarily the domain of evil, so double-crossers among the ranks of the good guys are rare.
I'll get around to emailing my best estimate of the finals later. :)
OK, umm...apparently this person missed the whole point of a BATTLE ROYALE. This is more of an American Idol Royale. I e-mailed them back trying to rectify the situation, but as I type this, no reply. Therefore I am entirely justified in mocking them for their incompetence. Though, their e-mail handle said "Crouch"...Crouch? That kinda mocks itself.
Lord knows you need the extra help.
Someone's itching to go to Red Lobster, I take it? Or should I call your wife and tell her to come on over?
*mutter mutter* Fine...stupid proverbial ball-and-chain...
With that settled...hey wait a minute, where's Patty?
Home sick with her mom. Seems she has a bit of a flu.
I didn't know slimes got flus. Aww...poor thing. Well, fortunately I got Ozzie on hand to rectify the situation.
OZZIE IS MOST DISPLEASED WITH THIS TURN OF EVENTS!
Sheesh, Ozzie, I haven't even DONE anything...yet.
Don't I have some contract with Cid or something saying you can't touch me without his permission?
Well, he never was too concerned about your well-being. Besides, he's so non-existant lately he didn't even realize you were gone.
You're gonna have to do better than THAT!
Fine, I painted Bernie Mac green and put him in an oversized Piccolo costume. I doubt he'll notice the difference.
Ozzie's not sure what to make of all this...
Well, let's just get this over with. I got five entries, so let's have at them! First up is Pink Lugia.
For the record, my gender is an it, and I take any genderization of me as a personal insult.
Secondly *Hyper Beams Megaman X and sidekicks.*
Hyper Beaming the host? That doesn't sound too wise, even if I am a bit stretched for material. How was I supposed to know that you don't have a gender at all?
From playing the game?
Psh, as your daughter's existance proves I'm much more of a DWM person. And if it doesn't have any gender, how does it reproduce? Does it just undergo mitosis?
Gesundheit! Wait, never mind, go to hell.
No, you uncultured tumor of a sidekick. Mitosis, when cells split into two identical copies. I don't see how a Lugia could do that, though. And if it did, does that mean there's ANOTHER Lugia somewhere out there?
Hope you've got a few Master Balls ready. Though I suspect you "master" your "balls" a lot, if you get my drift.
HA! Good one! You're all right, kid!
Don't get me started on you, fatty.
FATTY?! Ozzie's...OZZIE'S BIG BONE YOU LOBSTERHEAD!
God DAMNIT I really need to get this back on track.
Now that those matters are out of the way, we can commence with the battle. It has been a long day of grueling hard matches, but we finally have four ready to duke it out. In one corner, silent but deadly, is Crono from Chrono Trigger, weilding his Rainbow Sword. In the next corner, the dead man himself, Auron from Final Fantasy X, weilding his Masamune. The next corner holds the female Android KOS-MOS, from Xenosaga, ready to terminate the competition with everything she has. In the last corner, with firsts of steel and buns of bronze, Sabin Figaro who's ready to blitz. They all take their ready, and with the sound of a bell they start. Auron takes the first move, threatoning poor Sabin into a ball of frightened muscle. Crono then runs up behind the dead warrior and delivers a crushing attack, yet Auron recovers and both start trading blows. KOS-MOS aims towards the two swordmasters and shoots once with her blaster at them, before charging up her X-Buster and firing at both. Auron collapses, seeming to be able to take no more, yet croino is still standing, And casts Luminaire on the Andriod, sending quite a jolt through her circuits. Sabin has recovered his nerves now, and Blitzes an Air Blade to attack the others. Auron takes his final blow, while both Crono is caught off guard and takes the full force of it, also being eliminated. Now only the fist-fighter and the andriod are left, though Sabin might have an advantage from the weakened state of his opponent. KOS-MOS just stands there still, staring at Sabin, not appearing to Even be alive. Sabin seems to be wondering whether she's been killed on her feet, when KOS-MOS suddenly runs up to him and Perform R-Dragon, upon Sabin, followed by several other attacks. Caught off his guard Sabin is horribly beaten. So the winner is KOS-MOS. Hoped you enjoyed the match.
Aaaaaand the first win goes to KOS-MOS! I guess Sabin's "firsts" of steel weren't enough to puncture her andriod hull. Crabby, your thoughts on that battle?
Pink Lugia can kiss my chitinous ass, for all I care. I don't even want to be here!
Fine, then, leave. I'm not paying you, y'know.
WAIT! Don't go! Ozzie needs someone to share the damage with!
Maybe you should ask your boyfriend.
WHAT!! How DARE YOU!
OK nevermind, Crabby you stay right where you are.
Because Ozzie needs someone to make his life miserable and you piss me off enough that you deserve his company too.
What if I don't feel like staying, hmm?
Your wife and daughter are waiting right outside, you know. I'm sure they'd love to have a word with you right now!
Damnit...I hate my life.
You're not the only one. I hate your life too.
And OZZIE for one is completely unamu-
Ozzie, since when is it a good idea for you to talk?
*gulp* I'll be good?
You'll be good 'n crispy when I'm through with you.
Hooh boy, this is gonna be a LONG night. Take it away, Shade.
Set everyone against everyone else? Hmm...
Well, let's start this off right. We'll presume a cage match, to keep Edward from 'Hide'ing his way to a victory, or a continuous Tidus 'Flee' from keeping him alive without combat for too long. Secondly, we ought (to be fair) to set everyone at their highest level and give them their ultimate gear, too. Given the various dispositions and statistical considerations, I submit to you my final four:
1: Auron. 99,999 HP + absurdly high defense gives him a natural advantage. His speed is nothing to be proud of, but with Initiative providing him the first shot at everyone who comes after him, there's really no need for it.
2: Ness. Got a big sword? Shield will take care of you. Big-time mage? Thanks to Super Smash Brothers (and its soul-consuming sequel), Ness now also wields PSI Magnet with ridiculous skill. He may not be a very effective fighter, but he's largely untouchable, he reflects damage, and he refills his PP whenever some overzealous bodybuilder launches Ultima.
3. The Vault Dweller. Seeing as how he forces anyone near him to drop into turn-based mode (and he's holding a Turbo Plasma Rifle in his hands), the most anyone's managed to do to him so far is make him walk calmly backward while he killed them.
4. Zidane. Tricksy monkey bastard's been darting around the ceiling the whole time.
Unfortunately, the four remaining fighters have reached an impasse. The Vault Dweller is firing fairly steadily at Zidane to keep him dodging instead of casting a spell, which would certainly take him out. No one else can reach Zidane, and seeing as how both Auron and Ness are bright people, they aren't going to go after the only person who can. So the question here is, which will hold out longer: Zidane's acrobatics, or the Vault Dweller's Micro Fusion Cells?
Answer: Zidane's acrobatics. That early casting of Haste sure didn't hurt. Out of ammo, the Vault Dweller is forced to resort to attacking Auron with a Ripper, and he's quickly reduced to a Bloody Mess. 4th place: the Vault Dweller.
And that's why you generally don't use guns in RPGs. Ammo. Sweet, accursed, double-bladed ammo. Well, actually it's not "bladed" at all, but wouldn't it be cool if it was? Little daggers being shot out of a rifle? That'd be bitchin'. But do go on.
Now our three remaining fighters have all used defensive tactics thus far. This can't go on forever; someone has to attack. Who is the most likely to break and go for the victory? Not Auron: he has the patience of the dead. Not Ness: this is a kid who took on fearsome aliens with a baseball bat, volunteered to be made into a robot, fought an impossible fight just to give the human race a 1% chance of survival - and NEVER STOPPED SMILING. No, Zidane is not known for his patience, and when he comes down, seeing how efficient Auron was at dispatching the Vault Dweller, he launches an all-out defensive on Ness. His Ultima Weapon bounces off the invisible shield, pierces his vest (and it was his good vest, too!) and he's out. 3rd place: Zidane.
At this point, Ness' shield is destroyed, and Auron, knowing he may not get another opportunity, tries to cripple Ness with a quick Magic Break. Good plan, except unbeknownst to Auron (and beknownst to us), Ness doesn't use Magic - he uses PSI. The ploy fails, the Shield is back up, and it's a slow road down the Bashville Highway to an inevitable Ness victory. 2nd place: Auron.
1st place: Ness.
Honorable mention goes to Vivi, who had the common sense to get himself disqualified (instead of killed) early on.
If you think that was unnecessarily long and nerdy, be glad I forewent my original idea of rolling initiative...
Well, at least you took the INITIATIVE in not making that mistake! Ahaha...ugh this IS going to be a long night. And what's with that distinction between Psionics and Magic? A bit cheap, don't you think? That smelled of rip-off. People, you can only cheat if you can cough up the bribe to convince me to allow it. And I doubt Ness has anything of value on him.
...except that smile. Damn his innocent playful little heroic heart. *sniff*
Ugh, don't get all emotional on us now.
YOU MORON! This might be our only chance to escape his wrath!
WAS your only chance. Now it's *Chain Lightning*
*Krzzzzt* Yeeeeouch! My claws!
OK, now I need another e-mail to pick me up. Rirse, show me what you've got.
Well it finally had to happen, the heroes of RPGs have got too high and mightly, causing them to start to fight one and other for the title of "GREATEST HERO EVER". Lucky for me, Rirse DeBlood, that we had this giant stadium that could hold a massive fight to the death. Currently the battle royale is on break while we clear out the bodies, so this give me a chance to meet up with some of the heroes who survived. Let begin by talking about the first of four people to survive...Revan!
Annoucer : Revan, a former sith lord who was betrayed by his pupil, Darth Malak. After getting captured by the Republic, this young man was given a second chance for redemption by having his mind wipe of his former identiy. He was the hero of "Star Wars : Knights of the Old Republic", and while he isn't the dark jedi of the past, he still managed to dispose of some powerful heroes like Squall with Force Choke. But the biggest surprise was when he used Affect Mind on Cloud, causing the already unstable hero to attack at Revan commands before his mind turned into goo.
SPOILER ALERT geez! Eh, I guess it doesn't matter. I mean, it's Star Wars. We already know about Luke's father, so what does it matter. Y'know what, forget Star Wars. Just...forget it. All of it.
ALL of it?
Well, maybe not this little gem I found lying around on EBay:
JESUS FRICKING CHRIST that hurt like a bitch! Where did you GET a Death Star anyway?! Who sells Battle Stations on EBay?!
Presumably disillusioned imperial commanders who don't know the power of the Dark Side©. And besides, it's just a trading card.
Then how did you...?
Baten Kaitos. Their whole "Magnus" summoning thing makes real life a whole lot more interesting.
I HATE interesting.
Well, then you're gonna hate Rirse, cuz he's only just begun.
Rirse : Next up is the star of Suikoden 1...Tir!
Annoucer : Tir was once the son of famous General Teo, until one day his best friend Ted was tortured by the court mage Windy. Shortly before getting arrested, Ted gave Tir the Soul Eater, one of 27 True Runes that control the forces of nature and life itself. Tir was able to wipe out a number of Final Fantasy 8 characters by using Dark Shadows, a spell that is pretty weak in strenght, but since the cast of FF8 were weak in the start...
Rirse : Um..yeah, anyway the next is...Edward! Wait a minute, this is a typo, no fricking way is that stupid bard allowed to make it into Semi-Finals. M.C. Tusk and Hammer, would you please dispose of this clown and get the REAL third place finalist in here.
M.C. Tusk : I going to slap him for you! *slaps Edward into the next mailbag*
He can't't touch this. There, I said it.
Rirse : Anyway, the next person is...Terra!
Annoucer : Terra is course one of many characters from Final Fantasy VI, yet she is special due to the half esper bloodline, which allows her to transform into a powerful magic warrior. While summon magic is banned from the battle royale, she was still able to use some powerful magic, like ultima, which killed a few 108 Stars like the five blacksmithes, while sending Yuna into a brick wall.
Rirse : And finally, the last person on the list is...Lynx!
Annoucer : Lynx is a strange person to put into bio, for this Chrono Cross hero/villain has one fucked up story. First he is a catman who works for Lord Viper, then he uses some magic to swith bodies with the main character, which is why he is allowed here. Then you find out that Lynx was once the main character's father, who now in his son body. Still with me? Anyway, they fight him again, main character get his old body back, while Lynx now is turned into FATE, super computer of death. And then he dies....I think I going to rest now. *goes to sleep*
Rirse : Um...yeah, anyway let us start the match by having special annoucer and former winner Gogo.
Gogo : Um...yeah, anyway let...*gets shot in the head by Revan*
Rirse : Thank you Revan. Now anyway, let us get started.
*The battle for middle earth...I mean the battle royale gets away with a quick blast of fire magic to Lynx, who cast water on himself to put the fire out, while Revan and Tir are fighting it out with both the force and rune powers*
Lynx : So why did they let me go into the hero bracket. I am the evil father in cat body who turns into FATE, not the good son who gets putted in my body and stuff...*gets killed by the Soul Eater*
Tir : ... *uses Judgement on Revan*
Revan : "Do you wish to kill Tir or be killed" *selects option two* LIGHT SIDE POINTS GAINED! *gets destroyed*
See kids. THIS is what the Light Side is about. Making stupid moral choices just so you can turn into a ghost after you get cut down like a balsa tree. Don't fall for that. Vader in '08.
Terra : Wow, this is getting pretty stupid all of sudden. Yet...I can't let another mute character become champion. Sorry Tir, but you are going down! *summons lighting 4 on Tir*
Tir : ... *drains the magic from Terra*
Terra : No, I can't be destroyed by the Soul Eater...quick Terra, think of a way out of this. OH I KNOW! *pulls out the Luminia and cuts Tir's hand off*
Tir : !!! *falls to the ground hurt*
Terra : *starts to glow* What the...
Rirse : Oh mine, the Soul Eater has bonded with Terra. This could be the end folks.
Terra : Oh you better believe it. *destroys Tir with Judgement* Yay, I won.
Rirse : Congraduation Terra, I bet you are happy that you managed to kill so many innocent people?
Terra : Well it the thought that counts. Now let bring on the final tournament!
Rirse : Well this is Rirse DeBlood signing off. Hopefully we can cover the villain tournament...if it on this year.
Oh, it ON, bitch. You better believe it on. Well, actually, if this mailbag was any indication it might not be THAT on. We'll have to see.
Less carnage? Works for me!
But Ozzie, I thought you were evil, and here you're championing the thought of less violence?
Violence isn't fun when I'M the one getting hurt. And this travesty of a mailbag has been NO fun, let me tell you! Cidolfas may have been many things, but he wasn't an insane sadistic psychopathic MANIAC like you!
Look who's talking, Mr. Kidnap Magus and put traps that fail to meet OSHA requirements in his castle causing deplorable worker casualty rates!
Gimme a break, OSHA hadn't been invented in 600 AD. Even the concept of worker's comp was still a ways off. Besides, you're not exactly safeguarding MY life!
And that's why I'm in the entertainment business and not the field of medicine. The Hippocratic oath was kind of a killjoy. Speaking of which, here's DomaDragoon! No, wait, I didn't mean that Doma! Please come back! I'm really lonely here! I'm sorry!
Chisato: Hello, and welcome to the Tycoon News Network's coverage of the second annual RPGC Character Battle! I'm Chisato Madison, coming to you live from the newly rebuilt Classics Arena in beautiful downtown... where are we, anyway?
Morte: I'm not sure, chief. I know it's an offshoot from Sigil, but... well, does it really matter?
Chisato: I suppose not. With me in the studio are Morte, my co-commentator, and Ultros manning the cameras.
Ultros: Hello out there, to all my adoring fans!
Morte: You have fans?
Ultros: Well, it's more people who enjoy seeing me suffer, but you take what you can get.
Chisato: If you're just joining us, the final semi-final battle has concluded, and the four finalists have been decided. While the dead bodies are cleaned up, here are some highlights from the first semi-final, the A-Gm division.
_ _ _
"No, don't make me do this! I won't go out there!" cried Ashton Anchors.
"Come now, you coward. You signed up for this, and now you're trying to back out of it? That isn't a heroic thing to do," said Cecil Harvey.
"But I DIDN'T sign up for this!"
"A likely story. Now, get in there!"
Ashton sighed and walked into the ring with the other competitors. This always happened to him. Somehow, somebody would submit his name for the fighting without his permission, and he'd get chosen. That's when the real bad stuff would begin.
"Electrocution in a freak thunderstorm, getting hit by an airplane, leaving my swords back in the locker room... why do these things happen to me?"
A voice rang out from behind him. "Excuse me, I don't mean to be intruding on your brooding monologue, but could you tell me where the arena for the fight is?"
"Straight ahead. Can't miss it."
"Thank you. All right, Buriki Daioh, let's go!"
The last thing Ashton felt before he was accidentally crushed by Akira's mecha's foot was a sudden sense of completion.
I can't imagine the dragons on his back felt completed. Mo' like decapitated, if you ask me.
Four figures turned to face each other, even as the battle continued to rage.
"It's time to end this," said Chaz Ashley. "The debate over the greatest Ash shall end here."
"I thought we had already agreed that the guy with the chainsaw was the best of them," mused Ashley Winchester.
"He's not here," said Ash Lambert.
"Let's just get this over with," said Ashley Riot.
A small voice piped up over their discussion. "Hey, can I join in?"
As one, the four Ashes turned to look upon the interloper... Ash Ketchum. Incredulously, he was unarmed, without even his Pokéballs containing his fearsome Pokémon.
"And how exactly are you supposed to fight us?" asked Ash.
"Well, I have this limitless supply of rocks from the Safari Zone..." began Ketchum slowly.
"Yes, and I'm sure that will serve you well against the power of Megid," said Chaz scornfully as he blasted Ash with the divine technique of anger. "So, guys..." he said as he turned back to the other three.
"Hey, I wasn't finished yet!" cried Ash K., emerging from the smoking crater caused by Chaz's technique. "I didn't even get to tell you about my NPC immunity!"
"Your what?" asked the Vandalier.
"See, I can't be hurt. Not by you, not by them, not by anything. Hooray for me!"
"What do you say, Winchester? Care to test his theory?" asked Ashley R.
"I have only one thing to say about that... ACCESS!" cried Ashley W.
And so the battle resumed anew...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the phone. Since when is Ash an NPC?! And since when do NPCs get immunity? Come on, people, if you're going to do a battle royale, remember this rule of thumb: More carnage is better. As well as more bribes. Consider it the golden rule. As a rule, give me a lot of gold.
"Quit hiding, you coward!" roared Cloud Strife.
"No!" replied Edward Von Muir.
"..." said Crono.
"I am NOT making it harder on myself!" said Edward from a different location.
"If you continue to hide, how do you expect to successfully defeat anyone?" asked Citan Uzuki.
"Um... I was kind of hoping you'd all destroy each other."
"Since we appear to have banded together in the attempt to eliminate you, I believe your hopes are wishful thinking."
"I guess so. It worked last time, though."
"And you thought we wouldn't figure it out?" asked Cloud.
"..." said Crono.
"You will? Thank you!" said Edward, reappearing long enough to show himself before he ran off out of the arena.
"Sometimes we're too soft. Oh well, back to the killing." said Cloud.
I know it was said already, but...
Hey! Answer me you oversized tin can!
He IS answering you dimwit!
Then what's he saying?!
Damnit, don't you start!
Gaaaaaah! What was THAT for?!
The answer was "..." as in the three periods in a row, made famous by Crono, you imbecile. Hence, the gag.
But what'd you nuke ME for?!?!
"This is not my proudest moment as a Riskbreaker," said Ashley as he fell. All around, the bodies of the dead or dying lay strewn about, with but two people still standing.
"I'm gonna win!" cried Ash Ketchum.
"We shall see..." mused Anastasia Valeria.
"But you can't hurt me. Nobody can."
"Why would I want to hurt such a sweet child as yourself? There are more than enough out here to do that for me."
"Huh? What do you mean?"
The desire of the foes Ash had unjustly stoned into submission... the hopes of the crowd that this boy would not win... the will of Anastasia to avenge her successor... all the power of these feelings erupted onto Ash. And though he remained unscathed, he did not remain in this arena.
"Aaah!" cried Ash as he flew off into the morning sky.
"The winner... Sword Magess Anastasia!"
_ _ _
Ultros: Looks like Ash is blasting off again, huh?
Morte: I must say, Ana's giving me a few impulses of my own...
Chisato: Could you focus on the important issues? Anyway, Anastasia pulls off a surprise victory, though this was nothing compared to the three rounds to come. Here are the highlights from Division Gn-M.
Damn, this is gonna be a long, THOROUGH battle royale. It's like, a lot of semi-semi-finals...
Laharl sighed. "All right, vassal, tell me why we're doing this instead of beating these guys into a bloody pulp."
"Don't you see, Laharl? This is the greatest assortment of heroes in the world! This is the perfect way to find more Defenders of Earth!" said Captain Gordon dramatically.
"Gordon, half of these people live in places where there IS no Earth. Why in the hell would they accept your offer?"
"Why, they would out of the goodness of their hearts! Anyone fit to be a Defender of Earth would accept blindly out of the truth of their hero's spirit!"
"So when the pizza cart guy was stupid enough to give you extra teriyaki, you saw fit to give him the title because..."
Gordon smiled. "Why, because his kind gesture was proof of his good nature! A Defender of Earth always tries to help others, even if it's in the smallest of ways!"
"You know, if it wasn't for Jennifer, I'd swear that stupidity was a requirement."
"Why, here comes someone now. Hello!"
HK-47 blinked. "Query: Are you addressing me, meatbag?"
"Of course I am! You seem to be a fine, outstanding champion of what's right!"
"Statement: There are some who would agree with you."
Gordon cut to the chase. "How would you like to become a Defender of Earth?"
"Query: Would this require a lobotomy, as you appear to have had?"
"That would explain a lot," Laharl said.
"No, it just requires that you stop any threats to the planet Earth."
"Statement: I accept your offer." Suddenly, HK grabbed his blaster and fired at Gordon. Seeing the question in Laharl's eyes, he spoke. "Statement: It was obvious that a large threat to the safety of Earth would be the chance that that meatbag would reproduce. That threat is now neutralized."
"Hmm... have you ever considered being a vassal?"
Statement: HK-47 is quite possibly the most awesome robot in the history of robots. Observation: George Lucas would be wise to put him in Episode 3.
Query: Why are we talking like this?
Answer: Because this is how HK-47 talks, meatbag.
Rebuttal:I am not a meatbag, windbag.
Threat: HK isn't the only one with a blaster, meatbag.
Statem-ah, forget it. Just go on.
"Squee!" Jogurt ran for his life. Everywhere around him, spells and swords were being thrown about. Even the slightest scratch would be enough to do him it, but this was not why he ran.
"Come Boo! Your slightly-less miniaturized giant space hamster brethren is getting away!" cried Minsc, as he chased after the frightened Jogurt.
"Don't worry, Jogurt, I'll save you!" yelled Guntz as he steamed his way after Minsc.
"Hmm... a suit of powered armor would be an interesting present for Edgar's birthday," mused Locke as he raced after the armored armadillo.
"Stop, thief!" screamed Mystere (who is definitely not Leo) as he tried to capture Locke.
"I really have no reason for chasing Mystere. I'm just trying to get on the highlight reel," explained Maxim.
_ _ _
The last two fighters faced each other carefully.
"I must admit, for a mechanical being, your skill is impressive," said Lenneth Valkyrie.
"Your statement is returned," said KOS-MOS.
"Then let's end this. It shall be engraved upon your soul!"
The force of their attacks combined, erupting in the center of the arena with a bright flash. By the time the audience could see again, only one woman stood.
"Such is your fate."
_ _ _
Chisato: And so Lenneth showed once again that heroines are not to be taken lightly.
Ultros: Hey, Morte, wasn't this your division? Why didn't we see anything you did?
Morte: Because, you overgrown sushi platter, I was busy up here with the commentary, remember?
Chisato: We don't have any highlights from the third round, N-Sm, but that's because it was over far too quickly. However, our in-studio assistants would be more than happy to give a demonstration, right?
Morte: Shotgun the champ.
Ultros: Darn it. Oh well.
Chisato: And now, we proudly present "The Massacre".
Ultros "Everyone else": We are fighting with each other. we're some of the toughest warriors in the world, like Orlandu and Ness and Serge and Slade! Any of us could win!
Morte "Ryu5": I am Ryu from Dragon Quarter. I can turn into the fearsome Wyrm and destroy all of you at once.
Ultros "Everyone else": Blarg, we are dead! Aagh, it burns!
Chisato: Thank you, Morte and Ultros. Though I am wondering how you managed to hold up the flamethrower, Morte.
Ultros: Get me a fire extinguisher! Now!
Morte: Method acting. To play the part, I had to actually act like I was destroying them.
Ultros: Why are you talking, and not helping me?!
Chisato While we help Ultros get to the burn ward, feel free to watch this collection of scenes from Division Sn-Z.
_ _ _
At a distance, they could be mistaken for twins, and perhaps in a sense they were. Two paths diverged in the woods, two sides of the same coin, two Zenithian heroes. Sofia and Solo, the greatest fighters their worlds had ever seen, and yet they had never seen each other before. For they were one in the same, and for one to exist, the other could not.
When they looked out across the field and saw each other, they knew at once what their fate would be. Snarling, Solo leapt to the attack first, with Sofia calmly awaiting his arrival. At the last moment, she raised her sword to parry her "brother" 's furious onslaught. They dueled, the clashing of sword against sword the only sound they made. The intensity of their battle fired up those around them, their passion for the fight rippling through the ring.
And just as quickly as it had began, it ended. Neither could break the other's defenses, and so they turned to their magic. Solo closed his eyes for just a second, casting his spell, and opened his eyes - only to see himself looking back in horror. At the same time, they had cast Transform, turning into each other. Shaking in fear, both ran in opposite directions out of the arena, though the bloodlust they had started would not be abated by their disappearance.
Umm...OK...THAT was stupid. It's also kinda unnerving how many of these people I've never heard of before. Sofia? Solo? Chisato? I'm gonna have to do some heavy Googling tonight.
"Come on, Pops! Can't you hit anything?" mocked Tidus, as he ducked under his opponent's latest blow.
" 'Pops'? I will not stand for your insolence, young whelp!" cried Steiner, attacking again, once more with no success.
"Oh, come on Steiner! He's just a punk kid!" yelled Squall from his battle with Zoah. "He can't be that much of a threat!"
"Then perhaps you'd like to try your luck!"
"Don't mind if I do," said Squall as he finished off his foe and turned to the Blitzballer.
"Come on, show me what you've got," said Tidus. The SeeD rushed forward, thrusting down at Tidus... and missed.
"What the... I never miss."
"I think you just did, Squally..." said Tidus, evading another strike by Steiner.
"Shut up! I wonder what Auron would say if he could see you now."
"Of course he can, he's over there in the stands."
Squall looked over, and sure enough the old samurai was in the front row. With his one good eye, he glanced meaningfully at his own weapon, then at Tidus. Squall understood immediately. Grabbing the Lionheart, he thrust straight at Tidus, only to have it stop just inches from his target's face.
"I knew it! You have some sort of evasion on your weapon!"
"Right on one, Leon. And since there's nothing you can do to hit me, you're just the latest in a long line of victims for me."
"Maybe... but you forgot one thing."
"Oh, and what's that?"
Squall smiled and pulled his gunblade's trigger, muttering "Dodge this" under his breath as Tidus fell.
"Never underestimate the power of pop culture."
It's purpose that binds, Mr. Tidus.
Great, MORE Matrix references. In the abscence of actual humor, I guess we'll have to settle for this, though.
In the abscence of actual medical care, you'll have to settle for duct tape to put yourself back together, you moron! Don't taunt the guy in charge!
Wise words, Ozzie. A pity they'll be of no use to-ahh, what the hell. I'm feeling leniant.
WHY DID YOU STILL-wait...Ozzie...
Keep up the good behavior and you might not even have to have emergency shrapnel removal this time. But let's return to the mailbag, cuz we've still got a ways to go before DomaDragoon's tour de farce is over.
In the center of the ring, a cloaked figure stood. Everyone left him alone, figuring him to be a judge. Even when an errant blow would strike, he stood there silently, making no motion of retribution. Eventually, as the field thinned, people thought of him as just another part of the ring.
And then he removed his hood, and the the fighting stopped.
"No, it can't be..."
"Tir McDohl! The bearer of the Soul Eater!"
"Kill him now, before it's too late!"
As a single force, everyone converged on Tir. But it was too late. With the fall of X and Zero, Tir believed that the last ones immune to his power were gone. Raising his hand up high, the battlefield was plunged into Hell. One by one, those rushing at him collapsed unmoving to the ground. Soon, there was only Tir standing... and a shambling hunk of metal moving menacingly towards him. Cursing silently, Tir ran forward to attack Worker 8, but was quickly stopped by the mechanical man's fist plowing into his face.
That's the thing about Soul Eaters, Tir McDoh or whatever your name was: They eat Souls. Not Metal. Whoever this Worker 8 was, he's apparently powerful enough that he only lost seven clones to being dragged down into hell itself...I'd keep an eye on him!
Chisato: And they're finally ready to begin. To recap, it'll be Anastasia Valeria, Lenneth Valkyrie, the fifth incarnation of Dragon God Ryu, and Worker 8 competing for today's championship. We're in the box, ready to start the commentary. How are you holding up, Ultros?
Ultros: I've had better days... and I remember why I was against coming back here.
Morte: Don't worry, pal, I'm sure Doppler didn't mean to try and cut off your tentacles like that. I mean, he didn't even try and get you doped up first, giving you time to get away. Sloppy work.
Chisato: And the flag is down, starting the fight! It looks like the other three are turning on Ryu, trying to get to him before he accesses the Wyrm... and too late! He's up and looking cranky!
Morte: You can see the anger in his eyes, but you gotta know that the berk's a little worried. His rampage here can't have been good for the old D-Counter.
Chisato: It looks like the three aren't stopping their rush, and Ana's leading the charge...
Anastasia: It's time to dance, big man!
Morte: Ooh, she might have wanted to rephrase that.
Worker 8: Orders acknowledged. Commencing to dance.
Ultros: I thought disco was dead.
Morte: It should have been.
It was more re-animated through profane arts, and given form through...the robot thing. Truly a force not meant for this world.
Chisato: Lenneth's getting a few good shots in, but it doesn't seem to be doing much... wait, Ryu's turning to face her, and it's a Twister to the face! Lenneth's getting thrown around, and she's not getting up! We may have our first casualty here, guys.
Morte: Don't look now, but our mechanical moron seems to be doing something.
Worker 8: Sword Dance protocol enabled.
Morte: Please tell me that Worker 8 didn't just sprout a pair of Excaliburs.
Chisato: I'm afraid so, and he's moving like crazy! He's slashing at any part of Ryu that he can reach.
Ultros: Blood in the sand! Worker 8's just cut Ryu!
Chisato: Wyrm is cut, he's staggering... but no! He counters with a big swing, and the Worker's in pieces! He's down and out!
Morte: Meanwhile, Ana seems to be buffing herself. The Argetlahm gives her some pretty good defensive skills, it looks like she's going to try and tank out Ryu.
Chisato: She might not have to, Lenneth's getting up, but she's looking bad.
Lenneth: Defiler... of... souls...
Morte: Wyrm's not taking any chances. He's rushing forward...
Chisato: Lenneth's got the Glance Reviver up! She's just pushed it deep into the wound, and she's draining the life right out of him.
Ultros: It can't be...
Morte: Wyrm's staggering, he's right on the edge of the ring. This could be it!
Chisato: Another Twister, and he's got both of them in it! Lenneth's in a heap in the stands, she's gone!
Morte: And it looks like Ana's not far behind, because the Guardian Blade just fell out of the arena. She's helpless and she knows it.
Ultros: Ryu's moving in for the kill, let's get a closeup!
Ana: This isn't good.
Chisato: Ryu's changing back?
Morte: He's just pretty well exhausted his D-Counter. He doesn't have anything left in the tank.
Chisato: But he still has a weapon, which is more than Anastasia can say.
Morte: Don't be too sure...
Ana: Hey, you're kind of cute...
Ultros: Isn't that cute, Ryu's blushing!
Morte: No, don't do it!
Chisato: Ryu's leaning in for a kiss... Ow, that's got to hurt!
Ultros: Below the belt! Foul!
Morte: Ryu's down, and he's not getting up from that one. This fight is over!
Chisato: There you have it. Anastasia Valeria wins today's battle, but it remains to be seen if she'll advance to the finals. From all of us here in the broadcast booth, good night.
Wait, why did she win? What'd she do?
Be grateful you don't have a crotch, and let's just leave it at tha-wait, where ARE your...umm...parts?
It's kinda hard to explain...Slime Sex is actually quite complicated. For starters, it invo-
Never mind, forget I asked. Some things are better left to the imagination. Anyway, thus ends DomaDragoon's tour de farce! Wait, I already used that joke. Well, never mind, because here's some guy named Julie Day here to end this mailbag with a real anti-climax for ya!
The final four would be:
This is because Edward was hiding.
Galuf and Cain were jumping.
Eliwood would be protected by all the other cast.
Well Galuf would fall on Eliwood killing Eliwood.
Umm...Well, h-how about that. Edward wins. Hmm. Like I said, total anti-climax. But his logic IS air-tight...well, it isn't, but right now I just wanna go HOME.
You ARE home, typing this!
I was being metaphorical, you unromantic tub of lard.
Ozzie...OZZIE HAS FEELINGS TOO!
Then this won't feel very good.
That it didn't.
Anyway...This brings us to the end of what wasn't altogether a very satisfying mailbag. I REALLY was hoping for some more participation. Mostly, I blame you two.
You guys suck. Well, Ozzie's kinda funny, but Cid might notice that you're gone and want you back so he can take out his stress on someone. And Crabby, you're just no fun at all. I miss Patty.
Sheesh, she'll probably be back next time, don't get all upset.
Maybe, but she's a friend, not an enemy. I need a damage sponge like ol' Ozzie here.
Ozzie sure FEELS like a sponge. What with all the holes in my body...and the lack of non-broken bones...
But I need someone new, someone who hasn't been done yet. I know! I'll ask you loyal readers! Yes, you! That's your next assignment. I need a sidekick to abuse. Qualifications include:
- Laughably Pathetic like Ultros or Ozzie or the other sidekicks
- Decently interesting personality, not a boring old lump like Crabby here
- Able and (un)willing to take whatever unreasonable violence I dish out
- Knowledge of English a must
- Has to be someone I'm aware of. No obscure characters from some PSX RPG I've never heard of. Hard to work with someone when you don't even know what they look like.
So send in your ideas! Don't be afraid to be creative; maybe do a mini-battle royale! Do try to make the entries mailbag-worthy. X reserves the rights to use all entries in the mailbag. All entries and entrants become property of X. All rights reserved.
Oh, as for the real Battle Royale...the Villians Circuit is suspended until whenever I feel there's enough people interested in the mailbag again to make it worth it. Please don't disappoint me. Ozzie only has so many limbs to leave in people's beds.
OZZIE DOES NOT LIKE THE SOUND OF THIS ONE BIT!