RPG Classics Mailbag
Oh for the love of-The mailbag just STARTED! Can't a guy get a break?! What do you want, anyway?!
Well, it dawned on me that this topic is a bit too serious for me to easily come up with a funny opening. Y'know, what with it dealing with the POPE and all...Kinda have to be careful where I step on this one.
What's that got to do with me?
I need SOMETHING funny, don't I? So I suggest you start being funny, lest you become INTIMATELY familiar with the concept of an oblate spheroid.
Buy Oblate Spheroid at Zooba.com
Ugh, maybe I'd better just cut to the chase. Our first entry comes from Taran Wanderer. It's nice to see a person so devoted to the Mailbag that he finds time in his busy wandering schedule to write in. What a guy. Someone nominate HIM for sainthood.
Hmm, the pope, huh? Hmm...
Well, Mint would probably make a good pope, being a cleric and all. However, she's married, so that doesn't work. She did get married to Cless, right?
I don't believe there was anything in the game that suggested that. They didn't even kiss or anything. The closest Mint came to marrying Cless was when she gave her blanket to him, out of sympathy cuz he had to sleep on the floor. Granted, they did appear in the ending together, so they were at least good friends, but I don't recall them saying anything about marriage. Just Klarth's off-color commentary and...wait, you're not talking about OUR Cless, are you? Eww...I'm not even going to dwell on that thought...And as for Cless the Moogle, well...the Catholic Church is staunchly anti-gay marriage, so interspecies marriage is out of the question. I'm sure CtM has plenty of mooglettes pining for his attention, though...
Kupipupo!!! <3 <3 <3
Rinoa might also be pretty good. She doesn't have any interest in guys anymore, and she's a sorceress, so she could give mass a little flair. However, she's female, and the Vatican would probably convert to Judaism before letting a woman be pope.
The best candidate I can think of would be Frayja. Being a Vicar, he already has some experience running a church. He also doesn't have to worry about any women, on the count he's already been a priest for so long. In fact, it looks like he might have been a monk at some point.
Well, that's all I can think of. Have fun.
Fun! Hah. Oh, he'll have fun, I'm sure. But at who's expense?! MINE. And does anybody care about what happens to little old Ozzie? Nooooooo...
Well, not when you're THAT obnoxious, that's for damn sure! Next up, Pferd137. (You can't tell me that he didn't just let his cat walk on the keyboard and use that for his screenname. Pferd137? Come on.)
hmmmm... I'm really torn by this question... I know since he'd have to be a man (stodgy old backward cahtholics...) soo.... that eliminates the mother superior from Chrono Trigger... (although, I think a few naga-ettes already eliminated her...)
Eww...cleanup in the Mailbag Department!
Erm...not how I would have handled it, personally, but, ok...
Sooo.... I guess that leaves me with very little to work with. I think I'm torn between Cecil or Buggenhagen...
I'd have to endorse Cecil, then. Granted, I don't know who Booger-Haggen-Daaz is, but Pope Cecil works SO much better. Besides, I have a sneaking suspicion that Buggen...whatever that is, might be a slang term for a woman's, y'know...PRIVATE parts. Because for some reason, with only this e-mail, GMail kept giving me ads like this one:
Fishy Vaginal Odor?
Blech. There's a romance-killer. I don't think I'm going to ever have positive thoughts about a girl's Buggenhagen ever again. Next E-mail, PLEASE.
Exact Replica Rolex Watches!
I MEANT MAILBAG-RELATED! Genis, little help here?
Umm, here's one from "Videospirit"...you know him?
Yeah, he's an OK guy. We go back a little ways. He was never one to Buggenhagen his way out of a situation.
I think that joke's a bit old. And fishy-smelling.
You're probably right.
If I were to nominate a character from an rpg to be a pope it would definatly be strago from ff6 cause he's old and would bring about rapid changes because he's afraid of dying of old age. Plus he'd totally get rid of the church's bias against magic. I don't think he's a married man so all we have to do is baptize him and he's fre for popeage.
Except he had a granddaughter, which means at some point he had a daughter (not a son, cuz we know who the father was...) and that means he either WAS Married, or he had a kid out of wedlock. Either way, that's not very popely material, right there. Speaking of Blue Mages, though, here's our favorite, BlueMageOne!
When ever I play a role playing game (or "RPG" for you hipsters), 40% of the time the final boss is the pope, or the leader or some church, or you have to kill the leader of some church at some point in the game. And 100% of the time you fight the pope in an RPG, they turn into a giant horrible bug/blob monster, but there face would always still be somewhere on the changed body. In Grandia II the pope ended up being the "will of valmar" who was the guy you were trying to kill for the past x number of hours in the game. Well, whenever the Pope would cast a spell to make you die, a flap would open up on the monster and his head would pop out and say "I AM THE WILL OF VALMAR", then lighting and crap would come down, and your numbers would go down (AKA "HP"). Now you may be thinking "hey asshole, that's a pretty big spoiler", well, screw you since I calls them as I sees them. But you may also be thinking, hey, what does this have anything to do with electing a pope, your just talking about how popes always turn into horrible bug monsters and try and kill you all the time. Well, who is always turning into a horrible bug monster and trying to kill you? Well, that Seymour douche from that final fantasy game no one played. Not only can he turn into a horrible bug monster, but he also never seems to die, no matter how many times I tell the red dude with the sun glasses to hit him with his sword. However, the problems with Seymour as pope, is that he's probably undermine vatican 2, and replace it with rules about how just because he wears a shirt where you can see his entire treasure trail, doesn't mean he's a homosexual. Thats not even a rule, that's a statement. So in the end, Seymour would be a horrible pope, and instead that guy Christo from DW4 should be elected, since he allready has a stupid hat.
PS: I didn't check the spelling or grammar
He still your favorite Blue Mage?
Quiet, you. It's very insensitive to make fun of a person's drug problem. BMO needs our support, not our ridicule.
He's on drugs?
If he's not, he should be. Or at least it sure looks it. Let's use denial as a coping strategy by switching gears to Lady Pyrefly! Who proves that being Drug-Free ain't neccessarily the way to be.
Dear Mr. Megaman:
Hmmm...you want ME to nominate a pope? Well then, lets get to it! I nominate...how about Seymour Guado from FFX. Dead, by the way. The World would be a better place, because we'd never have all that controversy over him dying because, well, he's already dead. How's that for world peace? And every time one of the cardinals acted up, he wouldn't give them any birdseed for a week. The Cardinals, however, that wanted to succeed him would be killed in the Via Purifico. Ah, Seymour. If only he wasn't dead, we could do so much together...
until THE END,
P. S. Just realized I didn't have any starred actions. So, just because I can, *dances around like the rabid fangirl she is*
DEFINATELY on drugs.
Not neccessarily; this IS RPGClassics, we pride ourselves on being in dire need of mental help. Or at least we used to. We've not really been pushing the whole "insane" thing as much as we used to, like back in the Mysidia days...good times...Anyway, apparently, we don't need to; we got a big bag of mixed nuts anyway!
With some Buggenhagens thrown in for good measure to keep the nuts happy.
OK, now that's just stretching it.
What're you gonna do? Drop Ozzie down a pit again?!
Y'know what, punk?! I might do just that! *presses the big red button*
BUT OZZIE DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING THIS TIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime...
Ahh, that felt good. In fact, you might even say it felt Frood! Cuz that's our next guy's name.
This is Frood, wishing you all a happy [insert date]. The question has been asked, and I shall thus answer, who should be the RPG Pope? Now this decision must be made carefully, and after much deliberation I have chosen... get ready for this... Ozzy! *begins running laugh track*
...man we make a sucky laugh track.
We do indeed. Patty, how's that sound system installation coming?
Uhh, right now I got a couple of Explouds...and that's it. Oh, and they both self-destructed, so they're dead now. Well, fainted.
What's an "Exploud"?
A Pokemon. With speakers for ears. And an irrational temperment, it seems.
Can you guys can this chatter and get to the part where I, the almighty Ozzie, get nominated for Pope?!
But this is no joke, Ozzy would make a
great Pope! I mean, he's fat, he's old, and he already
has the very Popeish robes on! Plus he's used to
having people look to him as a leader, already has a
statue, and hates cats! (that last part isn't really a
Pope necessity, but anyone who hates cats is ok by me)
The only downsides I can spot here is that if Ozzy
were Pope, the catholics wouldn't like it when you
freeze him, fry him, roast him, and drop him in
plotholes. Which is really a pity, those catholics
just don't know how to have fun. That and I don't
think he can speak Italian. But other than that...
Woohoo! Ozzie for pope '05!
Uhh, Ozzie, he called you fat and old.
I plan on excommunicating him first thing. I AM evil, after all.
And so is he! Cat hating gets you sent to hell. How can you hate kitties?! They're so cute and fluffy and adorable! Not like MajinBuu7985.
Hi Megaman old buddy, majinbuu7985 here, and I have a nomination to elect to the Papacy (and before you say anything, I am not nominating majinbuu.) I would like to recommend Magus from Chrono Trigger, not only because he is cool, but people will listen to his teachings OR ELSE. Also if Ozzie continues to annoy you, you know he listens to Magus, if not just from fear of being Dark Mattered.
P.S. I didn't appreciate that stupid fatass comment. Apologize or I'll let you find out how Crono felt after being ripped apart by Lavos "Muhahahahahahahaha!!!!!"
Umm, didn't Lavos simply annihilate Crono? So you're threatening me with existential nullification, and therefore, a painless, heroic death? That's not much of a threat. You need to work on your villian skills.
He can still see you.
Meh. Joe's up next, so I don't care. It's ALLLLLL good.
Well hmm...interesting topic X...
Joe here, I understand that you've been wondering why Evil Joe follows me like a lost dog and instead of going into a complicated orgins story that will result in even more delay of my reply let me summarise it.
one time I was walking down a street and this moron walked up to me and claimed to be my evil twin, he's been following me ever since...
Evil Joe: It did not happen like that!
I really shouldn't be so lax about letting people press the buttons that cause painful and excruciating death...wouldn't want it to not be funny anymore.
Haha just kidding.
Joe: now that that's out of the way...The new pope should be Byuu from Bahamut Lagoon, he has everything a pope needs except for being really old...hes reverent, celebus, (damn you general Palepos!) and as a bonus he has a really big dragon to ride on and kill anyone who happens to get in the way of god!
oh man I am so going to hell for this, especially for the typos...
Bleh, I couldn't make heads or tails of Bahamut Lagoon's convoluted plot, as I've said before. Which one was Byuu again?
The one with the white karate uniform that was always going "You must defeat my dragon punch to stand a chance!"
OK, there's no way I CAN'T plothole you for that one. *PRESS!*
It was TOTALLY worth it...
Well after THAT satisfying round of intellectual heavyweight discussion (get it? heavy-weight? It's funny because Evil Joe was flattened by a 10-ton weight. Which is heavy. Hence, heavy-weight. Booya.) we now turn to the minimalist school of thought, with newcomer omnizero123! Who wrote:
FASCINATING. Quite a well thought-out thesis, wouldn't you say, Genis?
We should give him an award for "Most Minimalist Mailbag Entry", except that would be kinda ironic.
Well, he DID have a signature too; "Carpe Diem. Seize the day, live for the moment." Oh, and the obligatory Yahoo e-mail add on at the end. Maybe he figured wasting any more time on us would interfere with his day-seizing schedule. 20 years from now I'll probably end up working for him, and he'll be in a cushy window office and I'll be stuffed in a cluttered cubicle farm and every day will be a testament to how much I've wasted my life working on RPGs instead of real life.
...God I'm so depressed now.
There, ya happy, omnizero123?! You made X feel bad!
God forbid he ever did anything mean to anyone else.
Here we go agaiiiiiiiiin...
OK, now I feel somewhat better. And here come Phoenix Valkyrie, too, so that's good.
Mr. Megamanx2k -
The obvious choice for pope is Orlandu. For one thing, he's already a hero figure in the heavily-religious Ivalice - people'd vote for him on reputation alone (He's a Holy Swordsman, duh!). Secondly, he (or Ramza) already killed the two cardinals who would possibly vote against him (Draclau and Funeral) - further encouraging the rest to support him (are there any more?) . Thirdly, he's *already* got an awesome, pope-sounding name (or he could simply be Pope Cid VII). On top of that, as pope he could lay the holy smackdown on anybody who dared oppose the church. Sort of like what the High Priest tried to do to Ramza, but with less complete and utter failure.
As pope, he'd probably pardon Ramza, who wasn't elected pope himself because of the whole heresy thing, then he'd go off into the sunset and 'let' Ramza do the dirty work. Sic transit gloria mundi.
- Phoenix Valkyrie (this has probably been done by someone else, and better, too!)
Mmm...nope, actually yours is the only FFTactics-related e-mail. Weird, considering the whole game was based around a catholic-esque theme...There's only one e-mail left, and it's from that cheating Buggendagen, jstrahan. That little whore. *sniff*
In conclusion, I could say that Gesthal would NOT make a good pope.
No more than is par for the course. We hit 'em in the rough a lot, that's what makes Mailbags fun!
Ozzie wants to Mulligan.
Well, folks, that's all the time we have...looks like there wasn't any white smoke today. Good to see a lot of people entering again, though. For our next topic...hmm...Well, let's make it related, but also a bit more serious, and by that I mean: Nominate an RPG character to the sainthood. There have been a lot of selfless, courageous, and overall GOOD people in RPGs. Leo from FF6 comes to mind. Who do YOU think is most deserving of holy recognition? It might not be as funny; certainly some of them are going to be more solemn in nature. That's OK.
...though now I'm in too serious a mood to end this in a humorous fashion. D'oh.
Got you covered. *PRESS*
OZZIE'S PRAYING FOR DIVINE INTERVENTIOoooooooooooooooooooon...