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Hey there nameless people! You know, the people that didn't send in a mailbag entry but bitched at me when I was late anyway! How was your vacation in Hypocrisy Beach?

Ooh, a little spiteful, are we?

No more than usual, but you know me. Anyway, whether or not you deserved it, dear reader, here is a mailbag, more or less. To those who DID write in, I apologize for not having it done sooner, or having done it better. I've been busy, sick, busy AND sick, and overall just plain not in a good mindset for being entertaining to the ungrateful masses. My mindset was more of a "pour boiling molten lead on the masses" mindset. Anyway, enough of my harsh words. Let's not waste any more time. First entry's from thortheorc.

it would be so cool to see chrono and lucca(sp?) from chrono trigger at cancun.
their from an alternate universe so lucca could maybe get suckered into a wet tee shirt contest, but i digress i think really and truely think chrono would have a hard time keeping his vow of silence thingy and that would be so funny! the first documented thing chrono says is obsecne.
and they would probably get into some random adventure to find an article of clothing or something.

well thats all i can think to write,


Hate to burst your bubble, O Thunderous Typo Deity, but Crono's first documented utterance already passed you by. It's in one of the many endings, I don't remember what you have to do to get it, and I've never bothered to get it myself, but he said SOMETHING, and it wasn't obscene of course. I doubt he'd say anything profane on vacation anyway. He'd just end up saying "....!" every time he sees some chick take her top off in a drunken haze. Better alert Cid to a possible exclamation mark shortage if THAT ever happens.

Oh lord, not THAT again. The Strategic Punctuation Reserve got old REAL quick, pal.

Yeah, so did the plothole, but that isn't going to stop me, now is it?

Probably not...*falls*

OK, next up: j.strahan, who apparently sent this e-mail to someone else named "timjs" as well. Hmm...Do I have competition from some upstart mailbag host newbie? Or is J seeing...someone else?! YOU SAID I WAS THE ONLY ONE!! Err, do continue.

Cyan. I would love to see him say his famous "you licentios howler! To some girl flashing her boobs. YRP would be there, singing to Babera Striessand CDs. They would then say "Let us be lesbian" with a manly roar. This has obviously nothing to do with spring break.

You got that right. Yet for some reason I approve anyway.

FW: Paris Naked on Scandalous Pohtos

Eww, wrong mailbag! Lady Pyrefly, come to my aid!

Dear Mr. Megaman,

Hello. Lady Pyrefly here again. So let me see...Spring Break, huh? Lucky little...(I don't get Spring Break for an entire nother week.) Anyways, for my mailbag reply, I say we send Vincent Valentine of FF7 (you HAVE played that, haven't you??) to Puerto Rico!! *evil laughter* Just imagine, he can terrorize the country side, while in a drunken stuper no less, and attack and replace La Chupcabra (an evil monster that eats goats and children in case you didn't know). And people will be sooo scared of him, that everyone will evacuate Puerto Rico, and we'll get seven more Scarface movies!! ...what's that? La Chupacabra is in Cuba? WELL IT BLOODY IS NOW, AFTER WHAT VINCENT DID TO IT!!!

until THE END,
Lady Pyrefly

Actually I think Tony Montana was from Cuba too. But I digress. VincentXChubacabra? I've heard of, rathar off-kilter fanfiction, but THAT just takes the cake right there. Not that Pyremon Infernos would let THAT stop him from trying to also take said cake.

The Virtual Cancun

Cloud: (mutters) Why am I doing this again?! (notices camera) Hey. Me and a few others are gonna spend the spring break in Cancun. Imagine that.

Azala: I for one look forward to it! I could use a little action!

Mint: The rest and relaxation…

Arche: The sun and surf…

Faris: There be buried treasure thar, I be certain…

Gilgamesh: Ooh! This is gonna be SO cool!

Magus: (looks up)….what?


(crazy camera angles around the beach home)


Mint: (blushes) Well, I gotta say, the other girls seemed pretty nice, but… the guys…

~cut to Mint standing there uncomfortably getting something from the fridge, meanwhile we see Azala leering at her butt, Cloud sharpening his sword, Magus leaning against a wall shrouded in shadow, and Kefka and Gilgamesh are bouncing around the room sipping Surge~


Mint: Needless to say, it made me a little nervous about getting ready for the beach.

(Arche suddenly pushes her aside)

Arche: Pheh! She’s got no idea what she’s talking about! I was looking forward to it!

Mint: Hey! This is my time! (summons a mallet that bonks Arche unconscious)

(crazy camera angles across the beach)

~cut to the group now on the beach. Cloud is in black trunks, Kefka has on… the same thing as he always does! Azala has on grey trunks with little t-rex skulls on them. Mint wears a white one-piece while Arche has on a bright red bikini. Faris and Gilgamesh are nowhere to be found~


Cloud: Magus said he’d sooner shoot himself up on Ecstasy then actually go on the beach.


(Mint sits quietly on the beach, reading a book on healing. Kefka approaches)

Kefka: Hey, baby! Want me to show you the “Light of Judgement”?


Kefka: She can’t resist the unsurpassable charm of Kefka! Mwee-heehee!


Mint: Uh… um… look, you… uh… you seem really nice, but…

(Arche comes over)

Arche: Aw, come on, Minty! Don’t be shy! He’s not gonna bite you!

Kefka: Don’t be so sure of that! Mwee hee hee!

Cloud: (comes over, his sword in hand) Kefka. She’s not into you.

Kefka: Grrrrr, ICE 2!

Cloud: Ahhh! (is incased in a chunk of ice)

Kefka: UWAA HA HA HAAA! (pushes the glacier’d Cloud into the ocean and watches him drift off, waving) Bon Voyage, and don’t come back!

Arche: (to Mint) I see your point.

Azala: (comes over and slides his hands along Arche’s waist) Hey, how’s about we get outta here and make pre-history?


Azala: Okay, two things: One, I’m a giant talking lizard, so my sex life isn’t that great. And secondly, I may hate the apes with a passion, but they’re a hell of a lot better-looking then female reptites! (takes a moment for the image of a female reptite to register in your mind)

Azala: I rest my case.

~crazy camera angles across the beach again, then cut back to the beach home~

Faris: Well, me an’ Gilgamesh ‘ere caught a lotta fishes at sea today! We’re gonna be eatin’ plenty tonight!

Arche: AWSOME!

Gilgamesh: NOW! Who’s gonna help us clean ‘em?

(crickets chirp)

Magus: (looks around, sighs, and leaves to help them)


Magus: I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to be involved. So I asked for a very minor role in this.

~beach house, dinnertime~

Gilgamesh: So, what’d you guys do?

Faris: Come on’ Gilgamesh! It not be like they ‘ad sex or anythin’!

(Arche and Azala exchange an all-too-quick glance. Mint looks nervously at Kefka, and he just grins a crazed grin)

Kefka: Mwee hee hee! Whatever are you talking about? Let’s eat!

(they do)


Mint: Wait… where’d Cloud go?

~crazy camera angles across somewhere out in the ocean

Cloud: (still frozen in an ice block, drifting about, a ship nears him)

Captain: IIIIIIIICEBEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRG!!!!! (tries to swing around him, but the ship is hit and capsizes)

Cloud: (mumbling) I can’t wait for this to end…


Well, that was an e-mail of TITANIC proportions! What disturbed me most was the fact that, until now, for some reason I always assumed Azala to be female. I dunno why, maybe it has to do with the fact that I read somewhere that some species of lizards are female only and undergo partheogenesis or something to procreate. There, never say my mailbags weren't at least a little educational.

TOO much information.

Well, Joe can counteract that. Oh, by the way, Pyremon, are you and Lady Pyrefly related or something? You're both pyromancers or something, and you're always talking about "THE END..." Isn't that the name of that old sniper in MGS3 who had moss for a superpower or something? Are you his grandkids? That must suck that he was killed by Big Boss, Can't say that about Joe, though.

Ok, clearly you can't post a Mailbag with just three entries so heres mine, late but need responses so deal with it.

Oh, worry not, friend. Your entry came none too soon. I should buy you a pizza or something.

Well if I were to send anyone on spring break it would have to be Auron. we all know hes had enough to deal with and could use a good week off from being the dude who has to help save the world from the big evil turtle...

Evil Joe: wait, that thing was a TURTLE?
Joe: well duh!
Evil Joe: cool, GO NINJA GO NINJA GO!
Joe: ... you have three seconds to move before I kill you...Three!
*pushes the familiar red button*
Evil Joe: Gah a plot hole! I thought those things were gone! *falls*
Joe: That was no ordinary plot hole was one from Chrono Cross mwahaha! Alright so anyway where was I? oh yea, Auron deserving a break, so yeah I'd summon the fayth and beat his little boy ass with a stick untill he agreed to send Auron to Cancun, where the Red-coated badass can enjoy scuba diving, volleyball, and a few collage girls on the side eheh...oh and he'd also hang out with Crono, who will be beating the girls off with a stick, or a katana...(chicks dig the strong silent type right?) and they could go to ANY club too...why you might ask? well both of them carry big swords, so they can just cut down the bouncer if they dont like him! So yeah, Auron is going on spring break, and he's gonna have a good time or I'm gonna be beating up some dead ten-year-old! and with that...
*dissapears engulfed in black flames*

Evil Joe: Ozzie? what are you doing down here?

Not enjoying myself, that's for damn sure.

Hah, Evil Joe...what a sad joke. Wait, wasn't Joe evil to begin with? Why does he need an evil clone? Not like we'll find out now...since he's dead...the evil one I mean. The Evil evil one that is. And by "dead" I mean "plotholed"...err...Mullenkamp, please take us home.

Well, April is my birthday month, I can't let a guy feel unmotivated during my birthday month can I? I thought I'd send something in to cheer ya up! It's the genuine Texan thing to do...or something.

I'd send Locke from FF6 on Spring Break. Preferably to som MTV thin gon the beach. The guy deserves it, I mean he's waiting for a comatose lover to wake up while she's left in the care of some...very creepy old guy who surrounds her with flowers..

That qualifies as a good reason to let a guy get a vacation! Just don't bring Celes, she'd probably be hatin', and Edgar would be beatin' to a pulp, he doesn't have any moves. Locke, now he knows how to wrangle some girls. If it was up to me, he'd be black.

Don't ask how that last comment has anything to do with anything else here.


Aww HELL nah girl-I mean, you want Locke to be cheating on Celes? How unromantic.

How Texan.

*How Plotholed.*


And with that abruptly censored end we conclude this monthweek's mailbag! Tune in next time! Better yet, PARTICIPATE next time! Speaking of which, I need a topic. Hmm...Well, the whole new Pope thing's been making news, so why don't we do something related to that? I'm current. I'm edgy. So, if you could make an RPG character the Pope, of either the real-life Roman Catholic church or a ficticious RPG church, who would you pick, what would their fake Pope name be, and how would they make the world a better place? Please try not to get us all sent to hell.

As long as Lloyd and Raine aren't around, it ain't hell as far as I'm concerned.

Right, but I mean...try not to offend TOO many people. I don't need the Opus Dei beatingbreathing down my neck.

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