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OK, this is gonna be SOOOO cool. Elevator platforms?

*rides a platform down* Check!

Death traps?

*pushes button in wall*

flattened by bed of spikes*

I think that's a check.

It's a trip to the emergency room, is what it is...

Fantastic. Weapons?

*holding his bloody Kendama in one hand and a rocket launcher as big as he is in the other* Check and double check.


D00d. *sweeps what's left of Ozzie into a river of lava flowing through the mailbag set, which now oddly resembles Deck 17*

Great. Superwe-WAIT WATCH YOUR-

*slip* D00000D!

...check. OK, let's get this hazardously entertaining mailbag started! Who will draw first blood?! Who will hold the double damage the longest? When will Merl start caring about Quake 2 again? All this and more, on this week's episode of: Unreal Mailbag 2005! Our first contestant: Returning challenger timjs!

b hkirhjfj tuiogj445r8it45u58 5!

What the...Patty, did Slan learn to throw his voice?

Umm, not that I know of...

My computer has a cold.

...oh god damnit man! Now we're all gonna get i-wait, this was a text-based e-mail only, never mind. You're on your own with this one. Umm, remember to drink plenty of fluids. Especially the flammable kind.

Woo-hoo! I got you to use the ragnarok buster! ph33ar mah! Or something like that.....

ph33ar YOU? Wouldn't it be smarter to ph33ar the person who USED the Ragnarok Buster? Y'know, since he's the biggest threat and all?

Well, I tried to speak n00bish.

To try to speak n00bish is to fail eternally. ~ some guy, actually i just made that up

I played Drakengard! Isn't that fantastic?

Umm, fantastic that you still have both your hands intact? Yeah, I guess that's a good thing. Is Drakengard fantastic? Umm, I don't even remember what that game was. I'll get back to you on that, oh...probably never.

Also, Mr . megaman, what kind of class/job from a FF game would you be?

"Mr . megaman"? What is WITH you people? I dunno what kind of class I'd be, if the question comes up it means I probably have the option to switch around and gain experience in a LOT of classes, so you'd probably find me spending WAY too much time gaining a hodgepodge of skills to my liking. If it's a FF game, though, and the option to be a summoner's there, that's probably where I'd be, because let's face it, Square spends more money on their summon animations than the GNPs of some small countries. Summons have always been where it's at.

P.S. Please get mac to come! Plllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssseeeee!

Mac where have you been? Oh, wait, you mean Macc? Hell if I know. He's always been rare...but so was Mr.Saturn, and he's back now, so who knows? Maybe Macc will make a triumphant return. Only to find me in charge of his mailbag. Hmm, that might not bode well for me...hope someone finds the buzzsaw pit soon, we might need it.

Oh, I found the buzzsaw pit all right. Fortunately I also found some Scotch tape. I need to sit down.

Well, don't sit on the chair with the-


Gee, thanks. Well, at least I've melted back together or something.

Man, this bag is our most explosive yet! I can hear our ratings going through the roof! Of course, it wouldn't hurt to have a special guest appearance by Videospirit.

Hey There X2K, It's me again, Videospirit.

I've been reading the mailbag off and on these past few uh months and I have to say, you're doing a pretty damn good job. Now, being a super powerful reploid who tends to destroy things at random and scare small children, I was wondering if you ever get lonely. The internet growing as it is, there are many strange websites out there. The question I have for you is have you ever signed up for, or checked out a Reploid dating site and if you have/ever did, what would you have for your profile?

Sigh...yes, V-man, I have to admit I do get lonely sometimes. But you're totally wrong about the small children part. Small children LOVE me and my fortress. They come over all the time to play, cuz they hear I got the coolest shit to play with! Of course none of them have made it out alive, on account of all the live weaponry and security systems, but at least they had the time of their abbreviated lives! It's like a Neverland ranch...of DEATH!

OK that has to be the creepiest thing I've ever heard. I knew you were a sadistic bastard but I had no idea you were a pedophile too.

You've got no proof.

What about the young teenage boys you constantly bring into your bedroom?

WHAT WERE YOU-I mean, that'll never make it out of a judge's chambers, so you've got nothing on me. Neither does Videospirit, but let's let him continue.

Oh I need something rpg related too don't I? Why don't you have a rpg date maker mailbag where people submit random profile's for rpg characters to make them attractive, or repulsive, whatever gives you your kicks.

I wasn't really looking for RPG-specific stuff, but I suppose I could file that idea for another day, sure. Speaking of another day, here comes another returning challenger, MajinBuu7985!

Hey majinbuu7985 here,
Dammit Megaman, my majinbuu sprite is that of kid Buu so stop calling me fat (even though you are right about me not being right in the head) plus, Buu can turn into liquid so I can fit pretty much anywhere.

I think I'll file THAT idea for another day, too...*dun dun DUNNN*

Now about this free for all. I think we should get a new host since you aren't even an RPG character ( unless you count that crappy "Command Mission" game) and I thik everone should nominate one of the following canidates. Or at least use one for a new side kick.

WHAT?! Just because I'm not an RPG Character? Macc wasn't an RPG character! Cid...ok Cid sorta was...umm, 984, Kagon, SG and TD were totally originals...and Charlemagne was a Holy Roman Emperor turned insane musical instrument. Also XCountryguy but he went AWOL. I think we've set an important precedent that game of origin has no bearing on ability to mailbag. So fie on you, sirrah! But let's hear your stupid ideas anyway before we kick you off the server.

1. Nall/Ruby from Lunar one and two- The talk as much as you and have a better sense of humor. Plus they are dragons, everybody loves dragons.

Bleh on the Lunar games and bleh on you for thinking that they were funny.

2. Momo from Breath of Fire 3- she's cute and as a genius she could eaisaly think up better mailbags then the crap you give out.

Man, you are really asking for an AvRiL to the crotch, aren't you?! Or is that AVrIL? Or AvRIl? Or...never mind, continue.

3. Elc from Arc the Lad2/3- he has a cool bad ass attitude and can bar-B-que Ozzie just by snapping his fingers.

Feh, like he's got a monopoly on that. *snaps fingers*

D00d! *grab Ozzie and carry him away*


D00d, dood! *push Ozzie into the river of lava, then jump in after him*

Ozzie...Ozzie is served. *faints*

There, see? No worries about him being undercooked. Do go on.

4. Ultros from FF6- he is cool and as a former receptionist he can surley find a way to increase customers.

Wait, wait, wait, back up a sec. Ultros? Cool? Umm, I realize as a DBZ character your standards are set kinda low but...Ultros? Cool? The only thing I can see going for him is that he occasionally throws out a really good one-liner, but for all we know he just spied on Kefka when he wasn't fighting and took notes. He WAS surly, though, that I'll give you.

5. Ozzie- Just blow him up/ hurt him in lots of other ways, do what we do anyway? I'm sure glad we're not paying you.

Take my advice and get some better assistants even if they aren't one of these, besides Ozzie, the others you work with are morons.'re REALLY one to talk. Patty, Genis, you gonna take that from him?

I think Genis and his kendama can handle this on their own.

Genis also thinks Genis and his kendama can handle this on their own. I'll try not to be too long.

Wow...I knew he was a boy genius, hence the name, but I didn't know he minored in extraterrestrial proctology. Ouch. Let's get off the thought of forcible weaponized sodomy with our next returning challenger, Lady Pyrefly! Hmm...come to think of it she might not be the best choice for that task.

Dear Mr. Megaman,

OK, ok...What is WITH you people calling me "Mr. Megaman"? Seriously? If you're going to address me by a title, address me as Commodore or Duke. Or in real life, you may know me as Admiral Acid, formerly known as Captain Chemistry.


Don't ask. Our chemistry class was weird fun.

Lady Pyrefly here. Wow, we get a free mailbag? The freedom and trust you give us is alarming. And a little sad, considering who you're talking to. Anyway, I decided, being the girly-girl that I am, to talk about the best fashions of RPG's. Personally, I liked the dress Lulu wore in ten, but I'd have liked it better if she pulled it up a bit. And Selphie's dress from FF8 was cute too.

You'd like it better if she pulled her dressup a bit? Do I detect a hint of girl-on-girl action? This could get interesti-*ahem* I mean, do go on.

Anyways, my cat just woke up and demanded food. Off I go!

until THE END,
Lady Pyrefly

Gee, THANKS. Nice to see someone's got their priorities straight. Well, at least you're nice to cats. Not like a certain returning challenger: Frood!

*um, drops.... in.... over there -->*

Wow, you dodged a bullet man. Figuratively, I mean. Had you fallen a half a meter to the left, you'd be Chainsawpoppingoutofthewall fodder.

Hey guys, this is Frood!
Its great to be here again...
wait.. Why exactly am I here again?
*looks at big topic sign*

AWW, SWEET! A free for Al!

A wha-*looks at sign*Oh...oh dear...this might be-

*puts on AL nametag*
*takes large bag from pocket*
*randomly starts grabbing stuff*

Ummm... I'll take this (captains chair),

Err, I-

and this (vial of conspicuous looking fluid),

That's really not-

and WOW! I always wanted one of these (takes big red button)!

Umm, I think we have a misunderstanding here, see...

Man, you guys have some great stuff here! I can't believe your just giving it all away!

*drops kendama*

*lets out a little gasp*


Ohh boy...

We are doomed...

IT'S...*twitch twitch*

This is bad...

Frood, you IDIOT!

IT'S "YOU'RE"!!!!!!!!1111111111111RGHdghkhhblblblblvlbjkjgkhlblblbllllbblb *enters into uncrontrollable berzerker rage, blowing everyone and everything up*

Initiate evacuation procedures!

Let's get the hell out of-Frood, what are you DOING?!

*grabs explosive penguin, death star card, and Patty*

You're so cute and squishy Patty! My baby sis is gonna love you!

No you imbecile, NO! We have to leave NOW!

*stuffs deranged and suicidal robot, oblate spheroid, and some poke-balls into the sack*

wow, this is some great stuff and all, but I wish I had something to top it all off with...

*eyes Genis and X*

Umm.... Hey look guys! its Elvis!!!


You idiot, you're only making him angrier!

*tries to grab Kendama and Ragnarok Buster*

SHOOOOOOOOOORYUUKEN! *sends Frood flying with a well-placed uppercut of grammar-fueled wrathful flame*

*falls, dropping Patty, then stands up and pushes big red button*

Nice seeing you all agaaaiiiiin...

*drops, umm.... out... that way <--*

telepathetic P.S.- I don't actually have a baby sister.


Patty...push the big red button again.

With pleasure. *press*

*from the pit, a series of impaling sounds can be heard, along with screaming and bleeding*

Let that stand as a warning to those of you who would neglect to differentiate between "your" and "you're".

Man, and I thought my Kendama-sodomizing gag was a bit over the edge...X, you're frickin' hardCORE man.

Yeah...let's soften things up a bit with an old friend, shall we? Trillian knows where EVERYONE's double damage is!

Dear X,

If you were scheming to destroy humanity as we know it going to organize a bake sale fund-raiser, which method do you think would be more effective in...uh, handing out cookies? Hordes of zombies, army of ninjas, or Giant Radioactive Chinchillas?

Totally not scheming to destroy all of humanity,
Trillian ^_^

Ninjas, no contest. Zombies are no good at handing ANYTHING out. Hell, some of them don't even have their hands anymore. And usually their legs don't work so good, so the main problem is their shuffle is far too slow for any business to utilize effectively. And that's not to mention the whole "braiiiiiins" thing...or the stench. And Giant Radioactive Chinchillas, well there your problem is the Radioactive part. You don't want to kill your customers by irradiating them with lethal doses of, umm...radiation, duh. Also you might accidentally trigger Bruce Banner. He SAID he didn't want any cookies, but the chinchillas wouldn't take no for an answer, so he was angry...and then the gamma radiation...Hulk Smash your puny cookies. So yeah, Ninjas all the way. And, if you DID decide to destroy humanity, well, then the ninjas would be good for that, too! Ninjas are useful for a lot of things. If you need some undead on your side, I suggest hiring Scorpion. He's like a spectre or some shit. He's been to hell like three or four times, but now he's a saviour of manking, he's got a burning skull for a head, and he totally burns people's souls up. Also, he's a good salesman! He'd make a GREAT addition to your team.



Wow, this mailbag's turning out to be...OUTSTANDING. Let's welcome our next challenger, The Wizardmaster!

Dear GegamanX2K,

It has been a very long time since I have read the mailbag, but I just want to say that I am madly in love with you. If you ware interested, you know my email address.

The Wizardmaster

...whoa. Umm...this is...different. "Gegaman" a term of endearment? Like a cute little nickname you have for me that you refer to me as with affection in your voice? This is...akward. Being propositioned in a mailbag...this...err...ok, I'm totally weirded out. Am I being stalked? Is this guy stalking me? Am I not safe in my OWN HOME?!

Well, considering that your "home" includes spike traps and destroyer droids, no, you wouldn't be safe. Or at least this Wizardmaster fellow wouldn't.

Oh, yeah, that's true. Well, I guess I feel better. I guess I'd better say something...Umm, Wizardmaster, honey? I...I'm deeply flattered that you've got a crush on me, but we barely know each other. In fact, we've only just met. Well, unless you have been stalking me, and that's not cool. I don't like stalkers.

But you DO like skinny fifteen-year old boys, so maybe he's actually just your tAIIIIIIIGHRGH...

Thanks Genis.

Don't mention it. *holds the popsicled Ozzie aloft*

Urk...I figured you enjoyed Genis' sodomy as much as he dAIIIIIIIIIIEEE...

Man, this mailbag is suddenly turning weird. Umm...Ralph, new guy, you go ahead.

So, a Free-For-All Mailbag, eh? Does that mean I can do crap like shoot Ozzie in the foot? If so, that's a pretty damn good topic. If not, I'll just have to come up with something.

Does Ozzie even HAVE feet? Man, what an opptertunity I've been missing...

*still has Ozzie in the air on his Kendama* Looks like it from here.


Now, I could talk about something completely random, like what to do if your cat spontaneously combusts.

Blame Frood?

But instead, I'll talk about RPGs.
RPGs are fun.
Tah-dah. I really have nothing else, so I'll be going now.
*steals Red Team's Mailbag and runs*


That's how it's done. Another point for the Blue team. The Red team will With blood.

Speaking of which, can I put Ozzie down? He's staining the carpet.

Yeah, he's done slandering me.

oof...It's not slander if it's the trOUCH! Damnit man, don't HIT me with that thing too!

You mah bitch now.

*more weeping*

Yes, weep. Weep for the children, as Greg Buchold steps into the arena!

I was amongst the uninspired, clueless masses when I read your latest mailbag-related update at RPGC, listing possible topics; and since more than a few of them piqued my interest, I'll go into those.

Tales of Symphonia: OK, that does it. We've been on a steady decline for the past several years, and I'm getting fed the hell UP. So here's an open letter to RPG designers worldwide:

Dear screwheads,
Can you please stop making RPGs as formulaic as possible? RPG fans are a pretty fanatic bunch. It's safe to assume that, no matter how obscure you think the game you're ripping off is, we've played it already. If there's a princess or religious figure in our party, we all know exactly how many hours of gameplay it'll be before she gets kidnapped, and exactly how her stats will have changed when she's returned to us. If you give us a vehicle with no drawbacks in the first ~20-25 hours of gameplay, we ALREADY KNOW that there's no gas in them and we'll crash immediately. So please; I beg of you. Make us surprised again. Just once. We need the change so bad it hurts.

Yeah, Collete...Collete getting kidnapped sucked. Repeatedly. The vehicle thing...umm, didn't they say like four or five different things as to why the Rheiards crashed? It ran out of gas? No, it was designed for Sylvarant. No, it was because Volt was sleeping. No, it was because Mana was weakening. No, it was because this game's plot writing SUCKED SOME SERIOUS ELF COCK. Please continue.

Also, since we're on the subject of subpar RPGs, could Xenosaga part 1 have been any less interactive? 30 minutes of cutscene, save point, 30 minutes of cutscene. Hey jerks, you forgot the last third of RPG stands for "game"! Try again; or better yet, don't.

Actually, it stands for "Grenade". Just thought I'd warn you. Seriously, what's with that? What's the difference between a Rocket Propelled Grenade and a plain ol' Rocket? Why do we need the fancier name? If it's rocket propelled, why's it a grenade?

UT2k4: This still rules the LAN parties, hands down. Redeemer = awesome. I refuse to play on "No Superweapon" servers, unless it's only to log ong, spout curse words, and leave. Which is, sadly, an incredibly popular pastime still in online gaming.

Well, it ruled MY lan party, that was for sure. At least, it ruled when a guy got out of his Hellbender to attack the waypoint I had just constructed, so I jacked his 'bender and backed over him. That was the play of the LAN. Honk Honk.

That said...I don't like the direction the UT series was taken. With UT03, it was perfect. It wasn't anything too far from the tree, which everyone griped about, except Penny Arcade, who nailed it on the head: It didn't have to be, ecause it was done WELL. Done GREAT, in fact. Excellent. FANTASTICO.


That too. The graphics were more than acceptable. The new gametypes were cool. The music-this blew me away. A FPS with decent music? More than decent. UT03/04's music is AWESOME, props to whoever does those OGGs, you are SKILLED. Anyway, UT03 was so awesome, I clocked at least ten to fifteen hours on the demo alone. Yeah, I didn't get the actual game until it had been out for like five months or so, and then I was REALLY blown away. I'm thinking of moving to BR-Skyline.

So my problem? Well, apparently Epic listened to all the complainers instead, because they felt that they had to put all this other stuff in UT04, namely, the vehicles and that stupid Onslaught mode. Let's get this straight: UT is, or at least was, a Deathmatch game. There are, or were, two types of multiplayer FPSing: The fast-paced, frag-and-be-fraged deathmatch kind, and the tactical kind like Tribes or Battlefield, where you find the vehicles and such. Trying to turn UT, the final word in the former, into a part of the latter, was just not wise. Now, UT04 itself, wasn't that bad. But have you seen the previews for UT07? The new "conquest" mode sounds like they're trying to make it a fricking RTS. With resources, zones to capture, destructible's not UT. So I tell you, UT03, that was the pinnacle of the series. Sigh...distract me from this depressing reality, Greg...

E3: While PS3 and XBox 360 appear ripe for mockery in their own particular ways ("Look, the XBox 360! It's not circular, so I really don't know why we called it that! But at least it's small and sleek, since we clearly recognized that the design for the XBox was vaguely insulting to gamers worldwide with its bulky, retarded form and its ugly colorscheme, not to mention the convex top that made stacking it with other systems impossible!"), I think I'll just touch on the "Oops I just flushed my GBA down the toilet" GBA:

Dear Nintendo,
PLEASE STOP KILLING THE CHILD INSIDE ME WITH YOUR MONEYGRUBBING GAMEBOY SPINOFFS. Make one with all the features, call it the Gameboy Limited "Actually Does All The Things We Promise" Edition, and just sell that please.
And remember to include the headphone jack, expletive deleted.
Greg Buchold

Meanwhile, At Nintendo's Secret Headquarters!

*insert Mario Head zooming in and out against a spinning background ala Batman

"Hello, I have a letter for a mister Deleted."
"That's me. Lemme see here...WHAT?! MORE complaining about the Game Boys?! Why do they yell at MEEEE?! I'm just the guy who decided to make the GameCube not run CD-sized discs or go online!"
"That was YOU?!" *gunshot*

Yeah, the next season of CSI is gonna be filled with all sorts of plot twists. Greg, finish us up, then get back to work on that DNA testing.

That's really all I have to say for right now. If I wasn't *needless exposition about my real life deleted*, I'd have more topics I want to discuss. So, if you feel like having another Free-For-All Mailbag in, say, a month or two, I'll keep my eyes open for it.

-Greg Buchold

Well, stick around. At least hear what Mullenkamp has to say.

...It's like, 1:00 A.M. here in Texas. I wouldn't be surprised if it's still hot outside.

Anyway, here's my two cents for the mailbag, I have nothing better to do: First off, I genuinely want to know what's wrong with ToS. I'm into the Tales of series, and seeing as how I don't have a Gamecube and so will probably never get to play the game, I'd rather like to hear a rare of someone who actually doesn't like a Tales game. I'll try not to yell blasphemy.

While your at it, since you probably do have a Gamecube, could ya tell me if Resident Evil 4 is really as good as everyone says?

Props for the reference to Kill Bill 2 with Pai Mei.


Lemme put it this way: ToS is a poor excuse for a Tales game, while RE4 took the series in an awesome direction. Also, both are coming out for the PS2 (idiots...all idiots), so if you have that, you might be able to find out. If I don't rip your heart out for making the "your" mistake. I'll complain more about ToS later if you want specifics, Right now here comes a new challenger, Candi!

Hi Megaman, you sexy hunk of man-meat, you!

Whoa, whoa, WHOA! What is it with people hitting on me? Why do you people think I'm sexy? I'm a god damned RPG nerd. If you were really stalking me you would have become disenfranchised within a few minutes. Sexy hunk of man-meat? What, do you have X-Ray vision? If so, please don't stare at my man-meat, or anyone else's genitals for that matter. Radiation=sterility. I think I need to get some lead underpants...though that might sterilize me too. Damn.

I've never submitted to the mailbag before. My name is Candi. (Yes, that is actually my real name...)

Was it really wise to tell us your real name? Or even that you're a girl? On an RPG site? Your funeral.

A free-for-all mailbag, you say? You know who I think would win in a free-for-all match of death and destruction? (Who cares what this girl thinks, everyone is saying... meanies...) It's Toad, that's who! Though he is not a very frequent player on the stage of RPGs, his stage presence is always felt. (I am filled with joy everytime I learn about Timed Hits in Super Mario RPG! I never admit to knowing about them just so I can bask in Toad's all-powerful aura. ALL POWERFUL!!!)

Well if he remembered his bazooka for a change, I'm sure he could be of some help.

He is more celebrated for his non-RPG appearances like Mario Party and Mario Kart, but I think they should have an RPG game solely about Toad (and maybe Toadette, too... too cute!! ^_^) Well, I would buy it... It would prove to the world that he is more than just a ringleader of Mario's many parties or a speed demon on the many Kart tracks.

...Getting back to the free-for all match of death and destruction.... The problem is I don't think I could ever prove Toad's real ownage until they put him into a Smash Brothers game (and not just under Peach's dress! What in the Mushroom Kingdom is he doing in there?!?! >.< That was lame, Candi...) C'mon... who wouldn't want to see Ganondorf get smoked off the screen by a mushroon-like creature wearing a blue vest and a white diaper?

What he was doing under there? Well, Peach...I think Peach secretly has a thing for Toad. She can't resist his adorableness either. So...they try to keep it covert, to the point of...well, yeah...y'know. Fungilingus.

Well, I think I have wasted enough of the space on the Internet for one mailbag. ^_^


And I think you've also wasted your time if you have a thing for me. Aren't there boys where you live that look halfway decent? Let's just switch over to another newcomer, AtmaNoah.

How can you loathe this masterpiece for the gamecube? It's amazing! Well unless you dislike the youngsters that save the world but what game isn't like that nowadays? Anyways please tell why you loathe the game...I'm not going to defend the game because I don't think it's necessary, but please why do you think it's bad?

To clarify, his e-mail was titled "Loathe ToS?" if you were wondering what "masterpiece" he was talking about. Anyway; you wanna hear MY opinion on ToS? Even though I pretty much spelled all of it out in the Sidekicks mailbag? OK, well...

For starters: The characters were annoying, on a level of, like, Inu-Yasha character annoyance. (Oh, there's another fanbase I'm gonna piss off.) Lloyd...biggest fucking moron EVER. God. Genis was ok, obviously, cuz I got him as a sidekick, but he was still kinda mean to Lloyd, which annoyed me a little. explanation neccessary. Collete...stupid blonde stereotyped airhead. Raine was a total bitch. Sheena turned out OK when she joined your party, but the whole "Clumsy Assassin" thing she had going on at first made no sense consdering she was a fricking NINJA bitch! Regal was too emo. And Presea...can you say "7 days"?

What happens in 7 days?

You die.

...huh? Wait, why're you making fun of Presea?! I liked her, remember?!

Never mind...I think the audience knows what I was referring to. Anyway; it didn't help that the writing in general was horrible. Dialogue was shit, the plot was poorly done, and the mission logs were rarely helpful, in some cases even contradicting the rest of the game. A lot of stuff, like Zelos' sister and that weird android working for the dwarf, felt tacked on. A lot of stuff also went unexplained, like why there was only one dwarf on each planet (this might be of more interest if you were aware of the fact that in Tales of Phantasia the dwarves were an ancient and now extinct race, so were Lloyd's dad and that other guy the last of their kind?)

Now, the gameplay itself wasn't TOO bad. Actually, the battle system was all right; it could have used improvement in several areas, but I'm not gonna harp on that too much. However, the game itself felt...empty. Remember playing ToP? Remember how neat it felt, all these locations, all this stuff to do...ToS felt sparse by comparison. If they put half as much effort into creating the worlds as they did in creating the cooking system...

Anyway, I think the reason I'm so pissed off about it is that, well, we were promised a "magnum opus" to quote Nintendo I know NP hypes their stuff obviously, but I at LEAST expected an interesting, somewhat touching, magical adventure, along the lines of ToP and ToE, which laid down the groundwork, or should have anyway. Instead I got this half-finished Americanized pile of mediocrity.

But the worst part? This was just a beta version. I paid $50 for a fucking BETA. They're re-releasing the game for the PS2, with multiple improvements. Possibly a much better translation, I dunno, but I DO know that they're adding several texts to the game explaining the back plot better. They're also putting actual casino games in the casino. What a concept! That's just low. They had plenty of time to finish the game, but they released it half-baked instead. Namco failed us. The Tales Studio is shameful. I do hope they learned from their mistakes when they go forward with the next Tales game, which they're already talking about.

OK, enough of my complaining. Here's the last entrant.

I have done this in the distant pass under the e-mail or; what I'd like to remark on is the general lack of respect of the Tales of Series (Though you do have valid points with ToS.... and I don't know about Tales of Rebirth or ToD2 so much due to stupid tekken loving Namco not releasing them in the US)

I think RPGers play the Tales of games for the same reason that they play Tri-Ace games: the battles and challenge (In this era with the graphics whores, who like their RPG's pretty 25% gameplay, and very easy to beat even at lv.35 average, such games would pulerize them 10 times over in the first 5 hours.)

The biggest known insult in how Tales of Eternia came out here: Tales of Destiny 2 (Hello, even square stopped this assine naming pratice by this time; not to mention copies were rather rare... in contrast to Namco's beloved Crappken which most games in that series litter various used game stores)

Some might dismiss it as a rant by someone who likes playing "Those old games with crappy graphics"; but I'll say this: A) the graphics weren't that bad, but the important things like gameplay and story were better.

Back on the topic
The lack of releases (including the enhanced PS2 port of ToS; though that baffles me that they didn't bother doing a enhanced GC release in the US, not to mention the true sequal to tales of destiny and tales of rebirth)

Though that and the weird direction... while the gameplay becomes more interesting, the character design have been going on some while tangents.... such as ToS.... that and I've seen stuff from Tales of Legendia; character designs by the character designer from the anime Samurai Champloo, not all that terrible, but rather off kilter especially to some americans.

Though the whole very plausable notion of ToD2 not coming out most definely offends fans of the orginal (who like the game despite its repuation of having the worse battle system); that and Leon fangirls...

Well regardless I might just have to keep my ear to the ground for PS2 emulation (that and hoping to find a copy of ToE)

Thinking about the idea of having a Kemdama as a weapon.... it would only work for Oichi in the game Samurai warriors...

Again if Namco spend half as much effort, time and money on the Tales series as they did for their precious crappken, they'd sell better. Though I have no ill things to say of Soul Calibur series... though they should try begging Tri-Ace to give another crack at a Tales game (that is providing that Tri-Ace is a free lancing company, not a part of Enix; well there's a Capcom/Namco RPG... so anything's possible) in the same vein as Treasure doing Gradius V. (Anyone with knowledge of shooters would know that Treasure once were Konami employees) It would be mind blowing seeing a Tales game in this age with Tri-Ace behind it (with alot of experience with various battles systems not seen anywhere else... though the Star Ocean basic battle system was an off shoot of ToP in some ways...)

From what I've heard the latest Star Ocean game wasn't so great either. Maybe...Maybe Tri-Ace and Tales are past their prime, and need to be revamped considerably?

Other mini rants about the pathetic state of most RPGs

Final Fantasy- I wonder if FFX13 going to have a very girly guy that's openly gay and it only has a bout 12 hours of acual gameplay (and about 50 hours of cinemas); I'd perfer FF6 any day... Though the series needs more guys like Auron.... at least that way guys could talk about playing it without feeling like a pansy.

I wonder if people could handle playing as an openly gay character without being all homophobic about it, or assuming that feminine-acting male=gay or vice versa. Also, if you love your manly man Auron so much, why don't you marry him?

Squaresoft in general: I really do think they sold out.... most of their most creative stuff was during the Snes era (though without an emulator and roms you couldn't see most of it); that and they haven't released FF3 yet..

Trend of many main characters: Stop making them girly; why? I'm sure mothers and sisters do a good enough job of emasulating RPG players without any more help. Just have a manly main character, and leave the girly boys as a side character so that way the fangirls have something to smile at.

Yeah, just what we need. Another Bard, like from the Bard's Tale, running around, slapping women's behinds and being rude, uncouth and unkempt.


*fires off a spiral of three rockets in the bards' general direction*

DOUBLE KILL! Nice work, Genis. I guess you win.

So that's it, then? Game over?

Yup. Looks like I need a new topic. Before I do, however, I've decided, with the counsel of my fellow staffers, to make the mailbag a little more open. Like, you can write in about general stuff, you don't have to write in specifically about the topic if you have something interesting to say. Try to write about the topic if you can, but consider us having a semi-permanent FFA from now on.



Anyway...that last e-mail got me kinda riled up. About homosexuality and gender identity, I mean. So, that's gonna be the general topic for this week (well, two weeks or so, but...). Try to keep it mature, thoughtful, don't send me bible quotes for example. And no sodomy.

Aww...but I was UNSTOPPABLE!

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