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RPG Classics Mailbag #13

Well, whaddaya know... eight battle royals, with RPG summoned creatures this time. I won't "let's get ready to rumble" again, that would be too predictable. Still a very small number of responses... only a little bit more than last time. Only one more to be exact. I sure hope more of you will answer to the big finals next week. By the way, you might be wondering why I'm so obsessed with these battle royals... well, so did I, until recently. You see, I found out that "Death Match" translated to Japanese is "Desumacchi". Well, it can hardly be a co´ncidence that my name is in that word... no doubt about it, destiny is at work here. With that in mind, let's proceed to this week's rumble, starting off with Jeffrey Goebeler.

"The last four standing fighters would be: Phoenix, Knights of the Round, Bahamut, Golem. KOR and Bahamut have the advantage of being able to pack a wallop to their opponents. Golem has the advantage of being able to take a very large amount of damage. And Phoenix just keeps coming back. The two big hitters have just beat all their other opponents, and are turning on each other. Golem has survived by taking as little damage as possible from the other fighters. Phoenix has been given damage, and has also died several times. In the midst of the fighting between KOR and Bahamut, some stray blows from some tired Knights happen to land some blows on Phoenix and Golem. This happens to be too much for Golem, who finally falls to all the blows, his Earth Wall finally falling. And in the meantime, Phoenix dies a couple more times. Over all the fighting, the King of the Monsters just can't stand up to the repeated attacks from 13 knights. Bahamut gives one last MegaFlare, and takes KOR down real low, almost, but not quite to the breaking point. But in a surprise, Phoenix is able to finish KOR off, after dying several more times.

The WINNER: Phoenix, it just keeps coming back to life. Nothing will keep it down."

Well, unless it runs out of MP, or gets muted, or something... oh heck, what do I care. I've made so much money already, I'm not even betting in this battle royal. That's not to say I won't take any... donations, though. Anyone? No? Suit yourself. You'll soon see things my way, mwa ha ha... Ahem, right, time for battle two. Here's one by Kathleen Rutherford... hey wait... here's two by Kathleen Rutherford? Different e-mail addresses, different battles, same name. Co´ncidence? Forgive me if I'm a bit skeptical. Looks like I really only got eight uniques responses after all. Well... whatever. I'll just give you some of the highlights of both battles then...

"Phantom casts bserk on Ifrit. Shiva appears and Phantom also casts bserk on her. Then Phantom casts vanish on itself. Shiva and Ifrit attack anyone in sight. Titan notices that every time they attack Phantom a little 'miss' sign appears in the air. Titan waits until he sees the 'miss' and attacks Phantom, who is amazed that someone could have hurt it while invisible. Phantom recovers and casts bserk on Titan and Vanish on itself, for the third time. Shiva has killed Ifrit and is looking at Titan. Soon she attacks and they both ignore Phantom who waits as they kill each other. At some time Titan wins and Phantom casts Demi, halving Titans HP. As Titan cannot think clearly because of bserk, Phantom casts demi until Titan is knocked down to single digits. Titan has only 8 HP and still hasn't hurt Phantom, whose attack is so low it barely hits 6 on Titan. Titan misses again(what a surprise)and Phantom wins with a stunning hit of 2 damage!!!"

"Tritoch casts Fire3 on Odin hitting for 1253 HP. Odin then uses Atom Edge on Tritoch chopping him into tiny pieces. All of a sudden they come together and start glowing. Odin taps his foot impatiently until the pieces stop glowing and becomes magicite which Odin equips. Interceptor (Shadow summons him) does a Wild Fang attack on Odin hitting a Critical Blow damaging Odin 2314 HP. Odin gets P.O.ed and casts Meteor on everyone killing Interceptor and hitting Terrato 2348 HP. Shadow comes and throws an Imp Halberd at Odin hitting 4810HP. Terrato casts Quake on everyone; Shadow falls to his death. Odin realizes he will to if he doesn't do anything. The hole is growing toward Odin at a grueling speed. As soon as the hole is under foot Odin jumps off his horse and then the hole goes to crush the 2 victims. Odin is really, really, really, really, really, really mad that Terrato killed his horse and uses True Edge which instantly kills Terrato."

Two battles... as different as they are, they are yet very similar. Well, sending in two different responses is an offence I have not yet seen. I wouldn't have posted either of them if I wasn't so short on responses. Well anyways, I guess it's on to battle... Three? Four? Let's say three and a half to make things even more confusing. Take it away, TH Cole.

"Good evening ladies and gents, let's get on with tonight's show shall we? I'm TH Cole, your announcer for this evening, and as usual, we have Macc Maverick refereeing.
Ultros: uggh..
Oh, and to my right is Ultros, who's been tied to this chair getting whipped and beaten by Ivan, my large Russian friend, for the last 1/2 hour. Maybe this will teach him to pay me on time, Hmm?
Ultros: gaahhh...
Anyway, If you're just joining us, the 1st round has just ended here at the summoned monster Battle Royale at RPGC. I have with me experienced summoner Rydia for commentary. Now Rydia, Tell us again who will be remaining for the 2nd round fight.
Rydia: Well, TH, this has been a grueling battle for all involved, but the only summons that have been able to make it this far are as follows, with a guess at why. 1st, we have Bahamut. I'd guess he's still here because he's pretty f---in' powerful. Next, we have Eden. From what I've seen, she, also, is pretty f---in' powerful. Also, The Knights of the Round are here. They, to me, look really f---in' powerful, with the team attack thing goin' on. Lastly, we have Griever. From what I understand, He was a GF, albeit Ultimecia's. I'll give you three guesses as to why he's here, and the first two don't count.
TH: Thank you, Rydia. Any ideas on who could emerge the victor here?
Rydia: Hell, I don't know, I've only had experience with Bahamut. Which reminds me, I'm summoning him to the match, gotta go.
TH: Rydia everybody. Now, it looks like we're starting. Summoning Bahamut to the match will be Rydia, with Knights will be Cloud, Quistis will summon Eden, and Squall will bring his very own Griever. And... It's on! All 4 contestants are out into the ring. They appear to be sizing each other up, and all 3 of the single summons seem to be a bit angry about the 13 Knights from KOTR. Macc, do we have a ruling?"

5000, 6000, 7... what?

"*turns off microphone* That's a lot of cash. I'll keep quiet for half."

What? I don't need to give you anything, I organise these battle royals, I can just fire you! But heck... you had Ultros whipped after he tried to sneak out of the battle royal before we could have some fun at his expense, so you can't be all bad. Besides, I have plenty of money now. But I won't give you more than 30% of this... take it or leave it.

"Fine, 30. *Turns mike back on* We have a ruling that KOTR is indeed legal, for they are all summoned at once. OK, it looks as if all the summons are charging up their moves. This should be interesting; they all only have one attack. Bahamut's the first one, and he unleashes a Mega Flare. Oh! It toasted 2 of the knights! 11 left, and three of them have begun to counterattack the dragon king. He takes a couple of hits, but gets up. And a Shockwave Pulsar comes out of nowhere! Griever seems to be done, and 6 more knights down for the count. I believe that move broke the 9999 barrier on at least 3 of those knights, don't you Ultros?
Ultros: *Unconcious*
OK, Ivan, that's enough. Anyway, another Mega Flare has hit 3 more knights and the other 2 fighters on the field, for about 9000. Pretty strong that Bahamut. The remaining 2 knights just realized what pussies they are alone and hit Griever twice then ran and hid in the corner. Hey, is Eden still there? Yep, and it appears he's almost done... yep, here comes eternal breath. This is so cool; I'll never get over it, right Ultros?
Ultros: aaaaaasssssspppppprrrrrriiiiinnnnnn.....ooooooowwww...
TH: dammit, I need a new guest commentator. Umm... Locke! Come over here!
Locke: Who, me?
TH: Yes, you. And Gogo, too. So, how you doin?
Locke: Good.
Gogo: Good.
TH: So, how's this eternal breath, huh?
Locke: Long. It's been what, like, 3 minutes right?
TH: Yeah, and it goes for like, twenty more. Here, wear sunglasses.
*fifteen minutes later*
TH: Zzz...Uh? Oh! he's almost done, I think, yeah...
Locke: Still goin?
Gogo: Yep.
TH: Okay, here's the end... ouch! If I'm not mistaken, that did around 40,000 to each fighter on the field. I think...
Gogo: I don't see anyone except Eden.
Locke: Look hard. There's little char marks on the ground out there.
Gogo: *squinting* Ahhh...
TH: Well, it looks like that's over with. I'm sure the audience is happy about that blast-proof gla... hey, where's the audience?
Locke: I see more char marks on the stands.
TH: Uh, we'll have to see about blast-proof glass ceilings, too. Anyway, It looks like Eden here is the winner, anyway. This is TH Cole saying tune in next time for another (shorter) edition of RPGC Battle Royale!"

Oooh, pretty lights... Well, that was... interesting. Hey Ultros, how ya holding up?

I heal quickly, I'll be just fine... *wounds begin to heal*

Nasty bruises. You'll need to disinfect those. Here, let me help you. Don't worry, this won't hurt... me. *pours sulfuric acid on the wounds*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Phew, gotta watch myself... all this battle royal stuff is making me downright sadistic. Sorry Ultros, I kinda crossed the line there, didn't I?

*wounds heal completely* Well, I suppose it was hard to think up what ELSE you could still do to me. Hey! You apologised to me, that's a first. Kinda makes it all worthwhile... *sniff*

Don't get soft on me now, Ultros... 'cause I have a feeling that... let's say... your presence will be required again later on. Now, time for Donald Marco's response.

"Donald: Hello, and welcome to RPGClassics Royal Rumble Round 4! The Battle of the Summoned! I'm Donald Marco,
Rydia: And I'm Rydia, caller of Mist. I'll provide in-depth analysis, while Donald commentates.
Donald: Thank you. Here is a recap of weeks 1-3! [Shows shots of Gogo mimicing everyone until he's the only one standing, Ultros running around until he and Zoma are the only ones standing, the Ultros using the Sphere of Light, and, well, I forgot the other result...]"

So did I. It was hard work, but finally I managed to banish it from my mind.

"[After interviews by correspondents Terra Branford and Lenna Tycoon]
Donald: And we are just about to begin! Let's bring out the contestants!
Rydia: Let me point out the fact that most of these could have also qualified in another rumble. We discussed this with our Referee Macc Maverick and he said it was okay."

Of course, of course... the more the merrier, right? That goes for just about everything... (glaces at the received entrance fees)

"[Imp, Mage, Bomb, Roc, Chocobo, Generic Moogle, Remora, Fairy, Sylph, Siren, Kirin, Stray, Shiva, Indra, Jinn, Ifrit, Ramuh, Titan, Unicorn, Phantom, Shoat, Bismark, Carbunkl, Maduin, Golem, Zoneseek, Seraphim, Fenrir, Odin, Terrato, Starlet, Palidor, Ashura, Leviathan, Salamander, Alexandar, Tritoch, Kjata, Hades, Lich, Cyclops, Churpon, Phoenix, Bahamut, and Neo Bahamut, as well as Golbez' Shadow Dragon.]
Rydia: Incidentally, I'd also like to point that we had to disqualify Knights of the Round and Zodiac because they had multiple attacks in the same turn and Crusader because he was a threat to everyone in the stadium, even with the Plexi-Glass."

*tries to ward off angry Knights of the Round, Crusader and Zodiac* Don't look at me, I had nothing to do with that, it wasn't my idea! It was... it was... Ultros!

Figures! Oh well, guess I'll start running again... I'm almost beginning to enjoy this after so many times... almost.

"Donald: Not to mention the fact that all three consist of multiple sepearate forms. By the way, Rydia, where's your Mist Dragon?
Rydia: Oh, I deceided not to enter it. Knowing the pain of one of these Bloodfests, I wouldn't want to subject my baby to one.
Donald: Everyone looks ready, so... "Let's get Ready to Rumble!"

[Round One goes off with various magics flying.]
Sometime during the round...
Donald: Hey, wait a minute! Look at Bahamut and Neo Bahamut!
Rydia: They look like they're in conference!
Donald: Hey! They're merging! Oh, God! Bahamut Zero is in the House!"

Hey you! Bahamut! That's an illegal move, you know! Got any cash on you?

*Bahamut Zero tosses Macc the Bahamut and Neo Bahamut Materia*

Hey... mwa ha ha, thanks! That'll do!

"Donald: Well, if Macc doesn't mind, I don't mind.
Rydia: Incidentally, all three each have their own sepearate Red Materia. So I don't see why all three couldn't have entered.
Donald: Well, the first two had to merge in order to... [attention returns to the fight]

Macc fires into the air.
Donald: And that's the signal that we have only four contestants remaining! All I've got to say is that Chupon has one healthy set of lungs!
Rydia: You said it! Though I doubt Terra is in any condition to conduct interviews at this moment. Fortunately, our ref Macc Maverick has volunteered to take her place, even after the unpleasentness two weeks ago.
Donald: Let's go down to Lenna Tycoon who's with Ashura. Lenna?
[Cut to Ashura's dressing room]
Lenna: Thanks, Donald. So, Ashura. Any thought about the others?
Ashura: Well, Chupon's just a big wind bag. Odin's kinda cute, though.
Lenna: And Bahamut Zero?
Ashura: Uh, I can't really comment about him. He IS my boss, after all.
Lenna: But that won't prevent you from doing your best against him, right?
Ashura: No way! I'll still keep up my Cure-Safe combo!
Lenna: Sounds ... Good, Ashura. Macc?
[Cut to Chupon's Dressing Room. We see a tentacle in front of the lens.]"

Ultros, you dolt, you're blocking the lens! *moves tentacle* I only saved you from the angry "disqualified ones" because we were short on cameramen and it's on your contract you'd help out this week. Now don't give a hard time or I'm tossing you into the arena again.

Yeah yeah yeah... I'm new at this, okay? Gimme a break.

Wait... I think we're on. Well, I'm here in Chupon's dressing room... So, Chupon, what's going to be your strategy for this fight?

Ah... Ahhh... Ahhhhhhh....

I knew that was the wrong question to ask... RUN!!!

ACHOOOOOO!!!!!

*Camera is blown away, picture goes black. Macc's voice is heard*

B... back... to you, Lenna... hey Ultros, could you hand me my... hand?

"[Cut to Odin's Dressing Room]
Lenna: Thanks Macc, I'm here with Odin, and I have to agree with Ashura, you are quite cute.
Odin: Thanks. However, I'm beginning to despair at how I will win. I mean Ashura's Cure-Safe combo is indomitable...
[Knock on the door, Lenna opens]
Messenger: Telegram for Odin!
[Odin takes the telegram and attached package, looks at label]
Odin: I'm sorry, We'll have to talk another time.
Lenna: But the interview...
Odin: Another Time!
[Odin Shuts Lenna out]
Lenna: Well... I guess he isn't so cute after all. Uh, Macc?
[Cuts to hall outside Bahamut's Dressing Room]"

Yes you are!

No I'm not!

Yes you... oh, I think we're on again. Well, thank goodness I had a spare camera around... not to mention a spare hand... *glares at Ultros* Well anyway, we're here at Bahamut Zero's dressing room. So Bahamut, what's your strategy gonna be?

*a charging sound is heared in the distance, getting louder and louder*

I should really stop asking that question... uh, bye! *disappears*

Hey wait, where are you go- *Camera goes black*

"[Cuts back to Broadcast Booth]
Donald: OK, thanks Macc.
Rydia: Looks like we're about to get under way again. Macc and the contestants are taking the field.
Donald: And "Away We Go!"
We see Ashura cast Safe on herself as she always does when starting a battle.
Donald: Looks like the beginnings of a stalemate, here.
Chupon tries to sneeze Bahamut Zero, but this only enrages the great dragon, and Chupon is the first to taste the wrath of Teraflare this round.
Donald: Woah! Toasty!
Rydia: Chupon barely survived that one!
Donald: Wait, what's Odin doing?
Rydia: Looks like he's swallowing a ... teardrop?
Odin changes into Raiden.
Donald: Well, look at that, Odin is now Raiden!
Everyone looks at Macc.
Macc (ala Mills Lane): I'll allow it!"

Someone's gotta pay for making me use that line... too bad Ultros was already fried by that Teraflare.

"Raiden then proceeds to charge Ashura.
Donald: Unbelievable! Ashura takes a hit!
Rydia: Don't count her out yet, she still has full command of her cure spells.
To prove Rydia's point, Ashura cures herself. Meanwhile, Chupon tries to charge Baha Zero, but Baha Zero just swipes his tail at Chupon, then bites him.
Donald: And Chupon goes down!
Rydia: NEVER mess with the King of the Dragons!
Raiden and Ashura are still locked in battle, that is Raiden hits Ashura for damage, but Ashura keeps curing herself.
Bahamut Zero goes around to just behind and above Raiden.
Donald: The question now is, who would Bahamut target first in this situation?
Rydia: Well, Megaflare and Gigaflare are area-effect, which would normally make the point moot. However Teraflare can be aimed at a single opponent if necessary.
(Ed. Note: I know, this isn't the case in the normal game, but since it is a laser pinpoint attack, let's let it slide 8-) )
Bahamut Zero fires Teraflare at Ashura.
Donald: I guess we have our answer.
Rydia: Yeah. Bahamut's probably thinking that Ashura is too powerful fighting solo, with how she cures every turn...
Donald: But in a temporary alliance with Raiden, they have a chance of taking her down.
Continues on for about 10 minutes, until...
Donald: Finally! Ashura goes down!
Rydia: Took them long enough.
Donald: And it's not taking Raiden too long to change targets, though one has to wonder about the wisdom of taking on the King of Dragons solo.
After about 3 minutes a somewhat wounded Bahamut Zero polishes off Raiden with his seventh consecutive Teraflare against him.
Donald: Well, that's that! Bahamut Zero wins the Summoned Monsters Royal Rumble
Rydia: It was all academic, really. Once you got Bahamut Zero into the picture, the only one who had a real chance of winning was Ashura, and that by a Time Limit Decision.
Donald: Well, that wraps it up this week. For Rydia, Terra, Lenna, Macc, and all of us here, I'm Donald Marco. We'll see you next week when all will be deceided!"

Indeed, that it will. Or will it? *ominous music... which suddenly stops when Macc adds...* Nah, just kidding, last week's the last Battle Royal, I promise. Now then, time for The Blunderbuss to make a return appearnce.

"Welcome all for this, the final qualifier for the RPGClassics Battle Royale! This round is between all monsters, creatures, allies etc. who can be summoned, and what an impressive one it's been so far. Who can forget the sight of Odin and Raiden cutting each other in half, or the spectacular self-annihilating blunder that was the Great Sephiroth summoning Meteor. You've turned up just in time for the second half, in which the four survivors from the first duke it out for a place in the final. And here they are, together with their trainers. After all, every summon monster needs
someone to summon it:

In the Blue corner, we have Magus of Zeal with "Lavos".
In the Green corner, Glenn with "Frog Squash".
In the Black corner, Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully with "Death".
And in the Mauve corner, Ultros with "Fungaaaah!" (Don't play with the big purple two-headed floating monster, kids...)"

Ultros? How'd he recover from a Teraflare so quickly?? Well now, Ultros... as Barret would say: "Yer jes' full o' surprises".

"And let the battle commence!

Immediately as the round starts, Archchancellor Ridcully cracks open a fresh egg, steps into the octogram he's drawn on the ground while the commentators were waffling on, and begins to chant to himself. A few seconds later, an ominous black portal opens up in front of him, and a cloaked figure appears. It seems to be somewhat emaciated, and also rather annoyed.

WHAT IS IT THIS TIME? it asks.

Ridcully clears his throat. "O, foul shade from beyond -"

YES, YES, LET'S DISPENSE WITH ALL THAT. WHY HAVE YOU SUMMONED ME YET AGAIN?

The Archchancellor points towards the arena, where the other three trainers are preparing themselves to summon their respective competitors. "We need you to win this duel," he explains. "They're offering a pretty damn impressive prize to the winner, and we could really do with the money to repair the library roof. Another magical discharge blew it all the way to last Thursday."

Death sighs. FINE, he mutters. BUT I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M NOT DOING THIS SORT OF THING AGAIN.

In the far corner, Magus is standing with his back to the arena, arms outstretched, muttering something along the lines of, "now the chosen time has come..." Ultros and Glenn seem to be having more difficulty with summoning their respective participants, so Death ignores them for the moment and strides purposefully over to Magus and taps him on the shoulder.

EXCUSE ME?

Magus looks back. "What?"

ARE YOU FIGHTING IN THIS BATTLE?

Magus glares at him. "No, I'm trying to summon my entry." He turns back to the wall and continues, "Exchange this world for..."

MIGHT I PERSUADE YOU OTHERWISE?

Magus tires of this interruption and turns round to cast Dark Matter on Death. In one of the other corners Glenn finally manages to get the magic juices flowing and shouts out, "Frog squash!"

Death looks up as a large shadow appears above them. OH, BU-

And an impressively large frog lands heavily on the two of them, bounces around for a bit, then sits still and stares around it in confusion.

"Ha ha! Finally!" laughs Ultros as a large purple shape glides over the audience into the arena. "Mr. Chupon is here!"

"Fungaaaah!" agrees Chupon, waves its tiny arms around, and turns the arena upside down. Frog Squash disappears back up into the heavens, while the other two are embedded in the ground and remain put.

Magus prises himself up from the sand and stares back over his shoulder in horror as something - something very large and nasty, from the sound of it - roars. "Oh, no. Don't wake up on me now..."

The entire arena is cast into shadow as something huge hovers above the arena. "Lavos?" Glenn gasps. "Methinks there be only one thing to do..."

As he concentrates and tries to cast his ultimate attack, Lavos turns its attention to Chupon, who is currently lunching aimlessly on Ultros' tentacles. Destruction rains from the heavens, and both octopus and pet pass out."

All sneeze and no brawn, that Chupon... Now will someone please destroy Lavos before it... oh, I dunno..... destroys the world or something?

""Frog Squash ZERO!" Glenn yells.

One frog falls from the sky, making a sound that can only be described as "Buuuuddd..." Another two shoot across Lavos' flanks with a whining "Weeiiiiiss..." And four final ones rocket in from all four sides and crush Lavos in between them with a very final "Errr." The number '9999' appears above Lavos.

"You honestly think that'll kill him?" Magus laughs. "He's got ten thousand hit points!"

Lavos rotates slowly to face Glenn. "Drroooooo... Grand Stone!"

Whump!

"Your turn, now," Magus tells Death, leaning nonchalantly against the wall and staring at his only remaining opponent. Glenn's horde of Frog Squashes begin to fade away, one by one. "Perhaps if you give up now, he will make your death relatively painless."

MY DEATH? Magus begins to look slightly uncertain. I'M AFRAID TO SAY HE'S MARGINALLY TOO LATE ON THAT SCORE. AND HE IS ONLY ON ONE HIT POINT... WHATEVER HIT POINTS ARE.

"Well, good luck reaching him."

Lavos begins to turn to face Death, who glances sideways at Ridcully for help. The Archchancellor shrugs. This isn't his fight.

UMM... Death hesitates. WE MUST BE ABLE TO COME TO SOME SORT OF AGREEMENT ON THIS...

Lavos launches a volley of needles downwards at Death. Unfortunately, they simply pass straight between his bones and succeed only in cutting holes in his cloak.

AH. THANK YOU. Death picks up one of the needles and weighs it thoughtfully. LAVOS, CONSUMER OF WORLDS, TIMELESS ENTITY LIVING ONLY TO DESTROY AND ANNIHILATE?

"Get on with it!" Ridcully snaps.

YOUR TIME HAS RUN OUT.

Death draws back his arm and throws the needle upwards at Lavos' underbelly. It hits and sticks in, doing a grand total of 2 damage. Lavos screams in agony, writhes around momentarily, then begins to fall towards the floor of the arena.

OH NO, Death mutters. NOT AGAIN.

And, as the smoke clears, the judges decide that the accolade of 'winner' must be awarded to the only man left standing: Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully, and his faithful ally "Death." It is still undecided as to whether he will go through to join Gogo, Ultros, Metal Slime and Master Tonberry in the final, although from the smile on his face as he counts the prize money, it doesn't look as if he really cares."

Yes, using someone who's already dead... who is, in fact, Death itself as your entry was a stroke of genius. Not to mention illegal. Security, please take Mr. Ridcully away... and be sure to retrieve the prize money. *sigh* Yes, ever since that little Judge Macc episode, I know the burden of having to dispense justice is a heavy one... *touches his forehead and shakes his head in a dramatic fashion* Oh well. Time now for ShadowX.

"Ok, so when almost all is said and done, 4 beasts are left. Shade (SD3, he teaches death after all =), Shoat (FF5, Demon's Eye is a kill spell after all..), Odin(FF5, best at True Edge), Marduk (SD3 Lise spell, prob strongest beast attack in any RPG, keep in mind Ancient, Meteo, Merton, and Ultima aren't beast attacks).

Next.... Shoat starts to try Demon's Eye, but Marduk attacks and silences him. Odin tries for True Edge on Marduk, but he flies up and Odin hits Shoat and kills him. Meanwhile, Shade is in the shadows getting ready to cast Death Spell. Marduk silences Odin, but Odin's True Edge ain't magical and so Marduk gets cut into nice little pieces. Shade tries Death Spell, but Odin is a boss in FF5 as well as an esper, so it fails. Odin tries for True Edge, but it fails and he only does Gungnir(physical attack, not a KO). So, both beasts start charging up to fight again, but some red mist forms and Shoat reappears (remember, he's a random battle monster too). He does Demon's Eye on Odin and headbutts Shade out of the arena. Over the PA, you hear, "And the winner is Sho.........wait a minute! Shade is falling back down into the arena!!" And as he does, Shade impails Shoat with his tail and bonkes him with his eye. "The winner is.......... SHADE from SD3!!"

*blinks* Okay... don't ask me how Shoat pulled off that re-appearing trick, but that red mist leads me to believe the chilli he had for lunch had something to do with it. Oh well, next. It's Megaman984, back again.

"Announcer 1: Hello again everybody. I'm your host Wink Spiffleman, and this is my co-host, the Lord of Paper Cuts, Energon. How are you doing Energon?

Energon: I'm doing fine Wink. Well, last week we had a mighty battle between all of the regular enemies in RPG history. This week, all of the call monsters out there.

Wink: That's right. After a long and grueling battle, we can have only four call monsters. Let's see who they are.

Energon: Contestant one is Ragnarok from FF6.

Wink: How can he be here!? All he does is turn enemies into items! That has to be the worst call monster ever! I mean, come on! He is just about the stupidest esp-

*Ragnarok transforms Wink into a pile of smelly dog poo*

Energon: P.U. Wink. Ever heard of a bath? Anyway, our new host is Spiff Winkleman.

Spiff: Hiya Energon. Our second player is Asura from FF4. Gotta love that Asura. She just kept casting Cure 3 on herself and was never damaged.

Energon: The next monster is Raiden, also from FF6. He just kept cutting monsters in half.

Spiff: Gotta love his CUT-throat attitude Energon.

Energon: Shut up.

Spiff: Why? Is my sense of humor to much on the CUTTING-edge for you?

Energon: I said shut up.

Spiff: Again I ask, why? Is the Lord of Paper Cuts getting mad? Oh. I'm Energon. I'm the wussy Lord of Paper CUTS. I can't stand corny jok-

*Energon slices Spiff in half with his paper.*

Energon: Well, I guess our new host has to be, *sigh* Edward from FF4."

You've GOT to be kidding!

"Edward: Yayyyyyyy! Our fourth contestant is none other than Bahamut from FF5. Gotta' love that big ol' king of dragons."

*clutching his face* Please... someone... get him out of here... before... I lose... self-control...

"Energon: Riiiight. Well, they're sizing each other up. Who will strike first? Who will it be? Who will it deliver the first blo-

Edward: Bahamut just struck first, Energon. He used Mega Flare on Asura, but Asura casts Cure 3, which heals her.

Energon: Hmmm... Bahamut, Ragnarok, and Raiden are talking. Let's hear what they're saying.

Bahamut: Let's just go ahead and kill Asura that way she can't heal herself. Then I'll deal with you two pip-squeaks.

Raiden: Pip-squeaks?! I'm a pip-squeak? No deal, I'm going to kill you NOW!

*Raiden charges at Bahamut, but Ragnarok gets in the way and transforms Raiden into a golden lance*

Energon: Oh my. Raiden is now a golden lance, but he is still charging at Bahamut.

Edward: Raiden as a golden lance just shattered Ragnarok! But wait a minute. A piece of Ragnarok flies forward and... OUCH. Bahamut was just turned into an elixir. It looks like Asura won without hurting anyone.

Energon: She did win Edward. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to throw you out of here.

Edward: What?! Why?

Energon: Because Macc said so.

Edward: Nooooooooo!!!!! It isn't fair! It's a conspiracy I tell you, a conspiracy!!!

Energon: Uh-oh. You should not have said that Edward. Macc looks real mad.

*Macc comes over and proceeds to beat the crap out of Edward. Gives him an elixir, then beats the crap out of him again. This goes on for about 30 minutes.*

Energon: Well, it looks like Macc won. Bye bye everybody.

*Macc holds up the head of Edward and roars like a beast.*"

*a text baloon with an exclamation mark in it appears overhead* *shakes his head a couple of times* Uhhhhhhh... my head hurts. *sees Edward's head* Ahhh! Looks like it doesn't hurt as much as his, sheesh! What the heck just happened!?

What does it look like? You just killed me! Again!

What the... but how... you were... oh man, now I'm REALLY getting a headache... It's time to end this mailbag, with Rast's response, which has become a regular ending these past few mailbags. I usually don't do this, but since Rast put so much work in it, for once I'll post pictures in someone's response. But remember, Rast, and everyone else... this is a one-time occurance. Any future entries with pictures in them will be made picture-less before posting. Sorry guys, but else it would just become too crowded. But for now, enjoy the rest of this mailbag, otherwise known as "Rast's response". I know I did. (NOTE: Anything with my picture in front is still my own reaction. Well, sort of. In most cases. Just read it already, okay?)

Welcome everyone, to yet another Battle Royal! Tonight, I have a surprise for you all...

Wait wait wait!  I haven't summoned my entry yet!

Ultros, what the hell are you doing here?!  You can't compete!

Yes I can! And Macc can't take my money this time if I win since I'm not competing, the monster I'm going to summon is!

You?  Since when when can you summon?

Since I bought this scroll. I got it from some guy who said he was from the Forgotten Realms. Ahem! Ultros unrolls the scroll, labeled "Monster Summoning V" and reads it aloud.

*600 kobalds appear on the field*

Ultros, they can't compete!  There's more than one of them!

Yes they can!  The rules say any entry may only include monsters summoned at the same time!

Dang, now I wish I hadn't changed that rule in favor of the Knights of the Round earlier on...

Well, OK. I guess. Now shoo, Ultros. Anyway, like I was saying, I have a surprise for you all. See, I'm going to compete today, and Macc here will be the announcer.

Uh-huh, uh-huh... and since when are you a summoned creature? Sorry man, but you really can't compete.

Yes I can! You can summon me in Arpagee!

Big deal. Half of the people reading this probably don't even know what Arpagee is... or should I say what it was going to be, since it was never even finished.

Doesn't matter. The rules say anyone, from any game. Never says if they have to be finished or not. Oh, and I have a gift for you too. *Rast hands Macc a small pouch* See, more gold bottle caps. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to change.

*checks the pouch* Hmmm... oh very well then... I grudgingly withdraw my objection. But I won't do this for just anyone, you know. Well, at least not for such a small amount. Now, let the games begin! *takes out his remote and presses fast-forward* And it looks like the finalists are Rast (figures...), 271 of the 600 kobalds, Ashura (from FF4), and Bahamut from FF7. Okay, time for the final round everyone. Hey Rast, remember the X-Com motto: "Don't get hurt"!

The four finalists stride onto the field.  Bahamut flies after Ashura, while Rast and the kobalds seem to be on a collision course.

Breathes on Ashura.

Cure 4

Meanwhile, while they continue their pointless battle, Rast finally reaches the kobalds.

Hey you guys! You can't hurt me! You're only kobalds! Ha ha ha! Lit3!

Twenty of the kobalds are roasted. The rest reach Rast and start attacking from all sides! Arg!  You'll pay for that! There's only 1 of you and 251 of us!

Yeah whatever. Starts cutting through the kobalds like they're butter. Each swing decapitates about 5 kobalds.

Meanwhile, Ashura and Bahamut continue their battle.

Ha ha ha! You can't do any damage that I can't heal! Takes a jab at Bahamut.

Roars in anger and breathes again at Ashura.

Cure4!  Not enough MP.  Uh-oh...

Laughs, then easily finishes off Ashura.

Meanwhile...

Argh!  I can't believe you killed all of us!  Dies...

I told you I could, you dolt! They did beat me up a bit though... Drinks a high potion. Let's see.. who's left. Just Bahamut.

Flies over to Rast. I have you now, you puny Knight! Breathes on Rast.

  Oh please. The fireball hits Rast, and the number 0 appears above his head. I'm immune to non-elemental damage. Now it's my turn! Ice3!

Is out of range. Argh! I don't have any other attacks either! Well... I'll never admit defeat!  Breathes again.

  Once again, a 0 appears above Rast. Great, now what do I do? Oh, I know! Pulls out a Palm Pilot and establishes a wireless internet connection.

Roars, and breathes ineffectively again.

Let's see.. ftp.209.15.70.156... what was that username and password again? Flips through his ICQ history for that one message from that one guy.

I know you can't last forever!

Yeah whatever... now... let me edit this mailbag page... and...

Turns into a grasshopper.

Well... that wasn't too hard.  I think I'll be off now.

Hey Rast, I hate to burst your bubble, but that was cheating.

Oh, right. It wasn't cheating... Scribbles on his Palm Pilot some more. Gold coins fall from the sky and bury the announcer's booth and a few of the grandstands around it... Right?

*head pops out from the pile of gold* Uhhh... forget what I said... In fact, right now even I can't remember what I said. Heh heh... I don't need anymore money now... ever. I'm so filthy rich I don't give a crap about anything anymore. Mwa ha- oh, wait, one little detail remains to be taken care of... *takes out a portable and starts typing*

As for my winnings, just run this ad instead. See you all next week! Hands a script to Ultros. Read this.

Huh? OK...  if you pay me!

Scribbles on him Palm again. A 100 ton weight drops in front of Ultros.

OK, OK! I'll read the damn thing! Ahem: Want to make your own games where people can summon you too and you can beat on Ultros all you want just like Macc does? In that case, go to RPGMaker.net, where you can find not one, but three upcoming RPG creation tools. One of them is sure to be just right for you, and you download the latest versions of all of them. That's RPGMaker.net, at http://www.rpgmaker.net.

That wasn't very nice! Especially the part about beating up on me! Macc does enough of that! Change the script!

Whatever. Scribbles on his Palm some more. A Red Lobster truck appears from nowhere. Two men jump out and throw Ultros in the back and drive off.

Hey, that one guy looked like Shrouded One... *shrugs* Oh well. *finishes typing and puts the portable away* There ya go. What was I doing? Why, change the FTP password, of course... mwa ha ha.

Don't worry about Ultros, they won't hurt him... much. In any case, he should be back in a few days. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be back next week. Rast leaves.

Okay, one thing left now. The final contestant for the finals will be determined by using the point system again to determine the overall winner of today's battles! (Winner of a battle gets 5 points, second place is worth 3, third 2 and fourth 1.)

Third place goes to... Ashura, with 8 points.

Second place is for... Odin/Raiden, with 10 points.

And first place, pretty much as everyone expected, is for Bahamut/Bahamut Zero, with 14 points.

Now, it's time for the finals... How would a battle royal between Gogo, Ultros, Metal Slime, Master Tonberry and Bahamut Zero play out, and what would the winner do with his/its prize money of 1 million Gil? Stay tuned...