RPG Classics Mailbag #22
Okay, time for another mailbag. The question: "If you were the producer of Big Brother, and you could put five RPG characters in the house, who would you choose, and what would the results?" The number of responses: 8. The number of people following the rules I outlined: 0. No surprises there... rules are meant to be broken after all. Anyway, I got exactly the amount of responses I usually post, so I guess I'll be posting all of them... even if some of them seem rather... unfinished. Like this first one, by Dratini VIII, for instance...
"Gee, I guess I would have Squall and Locke in there.
Locke: Yeah, and put us with the three finest RPG chicks around. Start
No, that's it, nothing else. Like I said, seems rather unfinished, doesn't it? I've got another one much like it... from Faris Satzenine. I like the way it was entitled though: Oh Brother.
"If I could put 5 Final Fantasy characters in Big Brother I would like to see Zemus, Ex-Death, Kefka, Sephiroth, and Ultimecia. 5 last bosses in a house. Why? Well I'm not quite sure why, but to see an alien, a tree, a psychopath, an artificially infused god, and a sorceress live together in a house to talk about how close they were in global conquest, annihilation, compression, etc... or what drove them all to insanity. By doing this I think we would think twice before we pound them at the end of each game. Bad guys deserve respect too and I think Dark Macc would agree with me as well."
Yeah, but who cares about what Dark Macc thinks?
Shut up, Exdeath.
*sigh* Fine then, don't shut up.
You can't tell me what to do! If I want to shut up, I'll shut up! So there!
Okay, have it your way then...
That's right, I will! Uh, I mean: "..."
... Alrighty then. In any case, it would have interesting if you had provided exactly how this meeting of bad guys would have proceeded. But since you didn't, I guess we'll all have to leave this up to our imagination. ...or maybe not. After all, if we replace Ultimecia (who wasn't very interesting to begin with if you ask me) with Lavos, we've got StarSoldier's response. Wait a minute, Lavos? That must be one BIG Brother house...
"Hey, Dark Macc, if you intercept this, can I join the GEF? I'm a very good assassin."
The GEF? You mean the George Eliot Fanclub? I didn't know Dark Macc was behind that! His evil sure works in mysterious ways...
"Anyway, onto my Mailbag answer.
Say what now? The POLICE kill them all? Gee, I wonder why the RPG heroes never thought about that. "Hey, this saving the world thing stinks, let's just call the cops, they'll take care of them. I mean look at them, they have... err... nightsticks, and err... guns, and stuff... and, oh, the handcuffs of course! Those evil supervillains who could easily destroy the world ten times over with all the magic power they have don't stand a chance!" Oh and by the way, I was being sarcastic. Speaking of which, let's see what Sephiroth Katana has planned for this event...
"Regarding the "Survivor/Big Brother idea":
But, but... this was Big Brother, not Surv... ah, what do I care anyway. Whatever makes it interesting.
"In this scenario, though, I will jump onto a speedboat and get
the hell out of there. After a month or so, when food gets scarce, I can imagine they'd
Well that certainly would make it more interesting. I mean, on the real Survivor show it's obvious they were all eating pizza and smoking crack when the camera's weren't on... at least this way, there'd be an actual "survivor" element involved. Of course, no one would survive, but then again, no one would care. They could just use the show to get rid of convicted felons who would've gotten the death penalty anyway, or something. Errr... right, digressing... time for the next one. This one has no name listed, so I'm going by the e-mail address, which says Danman5311.
"The show would start off with this group of 5: Cloud Strife, Squall Leonheart, Aeris Gainsborough, Rinoa Heartilly, and Shadow. The first week's challenge would be who can go the longest without talking. Let's begin!
First week's result: Squall Leonheart is kicked out. Second week's challenge, who can say the most about their final battle experience. Let's begin!
Cloud-"So, there I was! I had Sephiroth cornered! I had the best
summon spell, Knights of the Round, and was about to use it when-"
Rinoa runs out of the house crying because she can't remember a thing. After 2 weeks Squall and Rinoa are gone. Week 3's challenge is kinda different, who can drink the most alcohol in one week.
Aeris-"Now that IS different!"
After only three weeks, the show ends due to the extreme nature of the
past challenge. Squall, Rinoa, Aeris, and Cloud tried hard but couldn't make it!
Well, that one actually got close to actually following the rules, didn't it? But don't worry... the last three people weren't supposed to have another challenge, so that means- hey wait a minute! Crono, what did you say just now?
No no, before that.
Hmmm... I thought for sure you... aw, skip it. Next up for a response is Rirse.
"Hi Macc, this is Rirse(formerly TLMuk) and I have also wanted to do the battle arena, but missed out. But this is the next best thing and I going to do a all villain theme Big Brother. I will start the story at the next paragraph (it follows your corny paragraph of beating Ultros to a pulp)."
Huh? I wasn't planning such a paragraph at all, what are you talking about?
Yeah, I always fall down trap doors or get a weight on my head or something, remember?
That's right, I'd never actually beat Ultros to a pulp.
No sirree, you'd never do anything like that.
........ *stares at Ultros*
........ *stares at Macc*
*beats Ultros to a pulp*
"Announcer: Welcome to Big Brother, where we will make five RPG
characters live in a house until one is left and that person wins a million gil. But they
can't leave their house and are being filmed 24 hours a day. So let's meet our house
guest. Take it away Rirse."
Wow, Pikachu goes "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" when he dies? So the only time he ever says anything but his name is when you kill him, eh? I'm gonna have to try that out... And what's this about Bowser being a hero? ...oh well, I guess he is compared to the likes of Pikachu.
Whoa, single minded audience you got there. Who are they, the Borg?
"Kefka: It was easy with two old people as enemies. Why weren't
Ex-Death and Ultros in this?
These all-villain Big Brothers are pretty popular, it seems. That was the last one of those though... now we go on to Lunaris' entry. For the fans of Lunaris' trademark typo-ridden speech, I only corrected the typos for the RPG characters; I wouldn't dare tamper with those spoken by the master himself. Ready or not, here we go!
"Hey Macc! Lunaris here. I finnaly sent a response... frist time,
I usualy forget to type one befor... but this not gonna happen this week(month,whatever)!
ANY-WAY, I don't know how much that Big Brother thingy work, but I saw some shows of it.
Soooo....let get on whit it!
Hey, you can't do that! Look, I let you keep your trademark typos, now you let me keep my trademark of not paying people for their hard work! *snatches the money from Lunaris* There, that's better. What, confused? Don't worry, it all makes perfect sense... trust me! Just sit over there a while and think it over, you'll figure it out. *ahem* Okay, I better get this last response over with quickly before he DOES figure it out... aw man! The last one's by Merlin, and it's longer than any of the others! *sigh* Oh well, get on with it then...
"Hmmm, I hope this mailbag entry is liked, I spent valuable time making it! Enjoy it! Now!! KNEEL YOU KNAVES!!! Err, sorry about that, some of this was written when I was sleep deprived. Anywho on with the show. I decided to use my Authorship Veto Powers and make it be six characters instead of five, what are you going to do, drop something on me?"
"...Dont answer that. I said dont! Err, well, before I collapse fully, Im going to put this in the "FF6 Universe" so there is some consistency."
You're breaking the rules (like everybody else actually) and yet you do want consistency? Well I don't know if I can let you have that. Why not you ask? Simple, it's all because of the... errr... Well okay, just this once, you can have your consistency. You'd better be grateful!
"Here are my brave pawns, unwittingly dancing to my Machiavellian machinations... err, wow one can write strange stuff at 3 oclock."
You're telling me. I'm actually writing this at... *looks at clock* 4.45 AM. And you've all seen the strange stuff I've written so far.
*Note to reader: At this point Merlin stops and picks it up at a different night*"
Note to reader: At this point Macc stops, period. Nah, just kidding.
"Heh, this is becoming more of a journal then a mailbag. Anywho, my entry may not be quite so funny unless you've seen one of those shows. During the course of everyday action, there are scenes where the participants are being interviewed alone, and they usually say what I find very humorous things, think valley girl type speech. Anyways, I wasted enough of your time...
Our five heroes and one villain are plunked into the middle of their new prison, err home. Complete with bedrooms, bathrooms, rec areas, and other places I'm too lazy to describe they soon come to relish and love their settings.
Kefka: This place reeks, I'm cranky, and Locke give me back my wallet!
*solo interview with Locke*
I mean, I can't believe Edgar took the top bunk. Everyone knows how much I wanted it! And he... he just ran and took it! The nerve! *gazes into the distance*
*back to live action*
Setzer *in bedroom area*: Heh, even though our wise and glorious Master ordained
for 6 of us to be here, it seems like our even Greater Deity's wishes still remain in that
there are only 5 beds.
*solo interview with Setzer*
Well, I can tell Celes likes me. Did you hear her flattery? Gutless puke? No one has ever been that nice to me. *eyes grow whistful* Man, I think I could really get a good relationship started with her... yup.
*back to live action*
Kefka: Well Terra... we could always... share a bed *nudges her*
*it turns out that everyone but Kefka gets a bed, who has to sleep on the couch*
The next day our 6 minions are given a task. They are to stack as many Oreos on top of each other as they can in 30 seconds without their stack falling. Whoever gets the most will get "immunity" during the voting round, in other words that round no one can vote for them. During the event, Kefka manages to stack the most, the others of course suspect treachery.
Locke: Kefka won! No fair! How the h...
Kefka: It must've been my keen gamemanship! Yeah, hehe *kicks the
"Oreo-Stack-O-Matic" under the sofa*
Now the characters vote. Locke votes for Edgar and Edgar votes Locke, because of the whole "bunk fiasco." Terra also votes for Edgar. But, both Celes and Setzer vote for Terra, and Kefka with the deciding vote seals Terra's fate.
Terra: I... I dont believe it.
*suddenly a SWAT team bursts in through every door and window, they seize Terra and prepare to bring her out in a duffel bag*
Setzer: Is that really necessary?!
*they exit with Terra*
*a week passes, they are all watching TV*
Edgar *has the remote*: What do you all want to watch?
*all the other characters get that shocked look you always see in RPGs*
Kefka: A...a soap opera!?
*they all start to laugh as Setzer turns crimson*
Setzer: I... but I thought... you can't think that I... *falls silent*
*solo interview with Setzer*
I... I can't believe they all laughed at me. Don't they want to find out what happened to Cindy? What if she's still trapped in that crumbling house? And does no one wish to find out whether or not Fran and Jesse will get together!! These people have no class...
*back to real time, later on though, at dinner*
Celes *reading task card for this week*: Lessee, who can eat the most chocolate eclairs? Bleh, I'd rather watch you boys stuff yourselves with cake and creamy filling, count me out.
The other 4 proceed to cram their mouths with food. Kefka jumps to an early lead, but is soon matched evenly by Edgar and Locke, Setzer collapsing, his mouth smeared with chocolate frosting. Eventually, through much guile, wit, and sheer slobbishness, Locke succeeds, now looking twice his size. Locke now gains immunity for this round.
Locke: Success is mine!! *the FF victory music starts to play and he tries to raise
his arms, but fails! The music awkwardly ends of its own accord*
*the sound of someone scuttling away, jumping into a cab and driving off can be heard*
*"?" appears over everyone's head*
Well, now they all spin the chambers again and fire off another couple comrades. In the first round Edgar is trounced out with both Locke Celes and Setzer voting for him. After this the four remainders (Locke, Celes, Kefka, and Setzer for those of you with ADD) vote again. Locke votes for Kefka. Celes votes for Setzer. Kefka and Setzer both vote for Celes.
*this time the SWAT team bursts in, rappelling down through the skylights, smashing them in the process. They throw a huge burlap sack over Celes, and tie it up, swinging it over their shoulders. They wack Edgar on the head with nightsticks, and fling him into a bodybag. Then, they run out the front door with their cargo. They call over their shoulder that the three left have 24 hours until the audience votes*
Locke: Well, looks like it's down to us three.
*they all stare at each other, the theme to "The Good The Bad and The Ugly" plays as they eye each other*
During the 24 hours they go about their activities, packing up their stuff, watching TV, the usual, but mostly they just stare at each other, and whenever they do that theme plays (Imagine them all walking around the house and doing normal activities, only staring at each other constantly, I find it vaguely amusing, but then again...). All at once the three leap at each other, yelling, and they all freeze in the air. As they slowly fly towards each other the booming voice resounds:
*the three fall to the ground, groaning softly*
Voice: "Stop this petty squabbling! 24 hours are up! Now, people who have had no input whatsoever in this match of ours shall decide which of you win the Million Gil based purely on opinion!! (slight jab at Macc there :-P)"
Wha? Now I wasn't going to interrupt all this, but... a jab at me?!? How dare you! *uppercuts the Voice* And yes, Voices can be punched. Okay Voice, once you've collected your dentures, do continue.
Voice: "Let us bring out the audience!!!"
*at first no one appears through the swinging door, indicating a zero viewership rating. Crickets can be heard*
Voice: I said... LET US BRING OUT THE AUDIENCE!!!
*then, it appears that all your favorite RPG characters... Crono, Squall, Cecil, Aeris, Rinoa, Hawk, Thomas, and Ultros all emerge, seemingly pushed, through the door, each quickly stuffing a check into their pockets as they do so*
Voice: Errmmm, yes! Millions watched in... uh rapt! Yes rapt attention as our six decided each other's fates! Here are our six "lucky" audience members chosen... at random, yeah... to decide who will take home the prize. *a million gil check floats over the three contestants, they jump up and down trying to get it, but fail* *a little black dog randomly starts tugging at one of the drapes* Pay no attention to that dog tugging at the curtain!! Anyhow, how do you vote oh audience? Your choices are... the gluttonous Locke, the cheating Kefka, or Setzer, him of odd television tastes. Once again, your choices please! *Who Wants to Be a Millionaire thinking music plays*
*they all scribble something on cards, not really focusing though*
Ultros: Macc... I mean Kefka!
Voice: There you have it!! Locke has won!! *Smash Brothers voice* Congratulations!!!! *tries to hoist Locke's hand in the air but it is too heavy. The victory music starts up again, but quickly dies down at this failure... and yes Voices can lift things!*"
Voices can do a lot of things when you stop to think about it. No, that's not right... I mean, Voices can do a lot of things when you don't stop to not think about it... errr, I mean... I don't know what I mean...
Voice: Tune in next time when Merlin may actually have some good ideas and more time to frivolously spend!! Thats it, Im outta here. *unplugs the master plug, the lights go out, sound system dies, everyone shrugs and walks out*
Locke: But... but... what about my check?
Voice: Too late shows over goodnight everybody!!"
Hey!! Like I said before, only I get to not pay people for their hard work! Get him, Gilgamesh!
Ummm... okay. *runs away*
The OTHER way, you moron! ...oh, forget it. I guess I better get out of here as well, 'cause it looks like Lunaris just figured out I duped him... seeya! *runs away, followed by Lunaris, who's brandishing a warehouse worth of various guns*
Life IS a highway. And it's backed up for 2 miles!