RPG Classics Mailbag
Captain's Log, Stardate 31415926.256.69.7-11.1231231231238 (fooled you!)
Oh again! This are yet ANOTHER StarTrek Parody?
What? Hey shutup! You're ruining it!
STAR TREK PARODIES ARE STUPID AND MAKE ME WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAINS!!!!!!!
.......That's a lovely thought but I'll pass. Besides I don't trust your cooking skills..my brain may end up incorrectly seasoned.
WHAT?? NO I TOOK 3 YEARS OF COOKING CLASS!!!!!
Well that's wonderful. Let's just try to get on with the mailbag shall we?
You are changed you are clothes? How you do?
When you blinked I changed them really quick now lets get on with it.
I are never blinking again!
That's a comforting thought..anyway. Let's see..what was the mailbag topic again?
GIVEN 3 INCHES OF FISHING WIRE HOW WOULD YOU BEST KILL YOUR VICTIM!!!
.......Somehow..I don't think that was it.
What are you be looking are at me for?
...you're right..why did I even think for a second you would have it..
Ehhhhh! I'm here! All can look upon my greatness for I have the topic! ahahaha!
Great! What is it?
Well you see I don't think I'll give it up that easily. First, here are my demands. I want a
How about I don't kill you if you tell me..how does that sound? X?
Ragnarok Buster to full power!!
Ah! Okay okay! The topic was umm okay I lied..I don't know *cries and the tears revive all the pokemon*
???? What? ..wait a minute.. There's X! Kill him!!!! *smacks X with a durable frying pan*
YOUR HEAD WILL BE A WONDERFUL GIFT COME TO ME!!! *chases X*
.....Wow..all this and we don't know what the topic is!
Wait..who are that?
???? *walks in the door, audience cheers*
Heya, what are you doing here?
Well, I figured..you probably don't know what the topic is..am I right?
Well I happen to know what it is!
AHHHHHHH the suspense are killing me!!!!!
Make up your own RPG secret! Take an existing game and add a crazy, twisted idea of secret characters, items, enemies, etc. Be creative! You do know you could have just looked on rpgclassics and didn't Cidolfas email you what the topic was?
......ohhhhhhhh ok..Yeah. I should have actually tried to find it heh heh heh...*_*
Yeah, that probably would have helped some.
Hey what have you been up to?
Huh? Nothing why do you ask?
Okay, where do you want the camera, Macc?
Hey! Get out of here! Shut up!!!
Well fine, film your own tv show then!
You have your own tv show?
No! He's just being evil and stuff now! Don't worry about it!
What? No I'm not. It's called "When Mental Patients Escape Barns and Attack French Poodles in the Austrailian Outback". It's new on fox! It's a r..e..a (enter slow motion)
l..i..t..y s..h...o...w (end slow motion)
*smacks ultros and runs into the forest*
owwwww! What's his problem.. *follows after Macc*
Hmmmmmm. I had heard that he had sunk to the bottom..but..a reality show...*cries a single tear*...poor Macc..we hardly knew the..
Ummmm were being the point are that?
...that was a good question...I don't know..well anyway let's get to the mailbag..remember that?
Oh did you catch X?
HE ESCAPED ME BUT I FOUND THIS LETTER HE HAD!!!
Oh ok..well let me take a look....
First off, lemme remind you, you DID say that any blank e-mails get in.
Yes I did..but you see..you just wrote stuff so..bye! Nah I wouldn't do that. Please continue.
Several of my adoring moogles, not able to come up with any cohesive answers, did
That is the most disturbed thing I have ever heard period.
(they CAN write in english, silly |-P)
YOU THINK THAT MAKES IT ANY BETTER????? errrrrr ****rips out X's Tongue**** |-P to you!!!!!
On the next Jerry Springer, Celes and her torrid love affair with X's Moogles! Celes has something to tell X's moogle......but they have something to tell her!!!!
Celes, I love you baby but...I've been seeing someone else!
Let's bring 'em out!!!
Hey! How are it going?
*Runs at Cats but is held back by security*
Hey their no one gets throgh me!
Hey shouldn't Lunaris be making more spelling errors?
Hey shuddap! Im geting beter stupid! *runs at Pinky*
*holds back Lunaris*
Well hey let's not let the show get out of hand, you see Celes has a secret for you moggle.
Oh and what would that be *moves chair closer to cats*
you see...I..I've been seeing cats for the last 2 months! *rips off shirt to reveal..hey! Get your mind out of the gutter*
*moves chair away from cats*
umm you're black and white..and wait..what the heck?
This is what I look like if I were an anime character dummy!
Well why do you look like
ahahaha! Now I will fight you!
Woah where did you come from?
That doesn't matter! The only think that is important is that I fight people for no reason!
I agree! Let's do this! *flys at Piccolo and they start moving really fast as if they were dancing..errrr I mean fighting!*
Umm I are not want to break them up
What you say?
errrrrr is errrr don't errr
You are not hide frome longer...it's you!
I don't know what you are talking about!
...I am your father.
Look into you heart and are see true it be
Yessss!!! You are a typomastr like you father!
yes..The typo are what give a typomastr his powr, it be energy field created by all speling and gramer mistake. It are surround us and are penetrate us, it are binds the galaxy togeher.
*splashes water on Celes*
You were really freaking out there Celes! What the heck happened?
It was all a dream and you were there and you!
.....right...could we get back to X's entry..this is taking FOREVER!
Second, my entry will obviously be MOOGLE RELATED!! I think Mog in FF6 shoulda gotten extra dances. Especially silly ones. Mog puts on an afro, and wham - it's disco time, baby, yeah!! Found in Retro Studio, after defeating the evil Celes who's trying to burn it down.
Ok...X is really obsessed with moogles..I think you need some help man. I'm telling you this as a friend please get some help!
I am your brain.
I are u brain on moogles hahahaha
I EAT ALL THE BRAINS IN THE WORLD!!!
Third, let's not forget our most beloved GOOFY RPG, Super Mario Final Fantasy!! Well, there were only five characters, and I think that worked out ok...but how about secret skillz?
Well nice use of the z in place of an s..and that does what again?
That makes him cool or something. I'm already cool so I don't have to do that.
.....right..let's not get off track here.
Maybe Bowser could "Summon Lakitu" or drop his enemies into lava. Or Geno could do a sacrificer move.
Oh I can see it now. Mommy, why did Geno hurt himself? Well Suzzie, Geno just killed himself so he could keep his friends alive. But why! Nooooo *cries insanely* Suzzie, shut up! I can't take this! This is what drove your father out! You had to
Hey celes! You're freaking out again!
And last, but not least, Robotrek was a silly game too. And it has been commented that it resembled Pokemon. So, the answer is obvious....
THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT!!!
It are be goat!
5 hours captin' that's the best I can give ya'
......darn it!!! Anyway X asked me in a chatroom to change PIKABOT to something else but I did not do that because that would be unfair to other people who can't change their answers. And in fact, for asking me to perform such an evil act..I have no choice but...
.......*throws Samus through X's head* .....GET INTO IT!
;) Anyway...PEER writes,
In Final Fantasy 5, you fight ME! I don't care how or why, but I will
you. You cannot win! Muahaha!
Well you gave a direct answer and I do like the cut of your zig....pun! but yeah..opinions?
His evil laughter need work but good..
You know..I just think the crushed like a bug thing is a little cliche now a days..maybe crushed like an aged shrimp burning in the depths of the evil sanctuary of darkness would have been more effective
WHERE WAS THE EATING BRAINS PART???? WITHOUT THAT IT JUST ISN'T WORTH IT!
Yeah, I know what you mean. Now Booken writes (while offering me a hug..which I quickly sidestep so that he hugs someone more hug-able like..umm..Darth Maul),
*Big flashy entry just to annoy ya *
WE ARE NOT AMUSED!
...........I must be losing it again..I don't remember saying that!
Not good entry..used door not be flashy
Me : Can't afford much sorry. (Use my icon please)
No. What? I'm not being mean..if I used your icon..i'd just have to have the monkey eat you or something..
IT'S TRUE YOU KNOW!
*End flashy entry*
Since i making Oracle of Seasons shrine, i can't put my mind out of it. So, i decided my secret shall be for Oracles of Seasons. First : Beat SSB Meelee Story mode on 1 life hardest mode possibe without using continue with Link ... white color of course. Save the secret data file on a memory pak.
Second : On Zelda for Gamecube, go on Zelda's bed by at exactly Midnight .If you get an GameBoy advance on the second controller and a memory pak with secret file on the first... you shall go to an secret complex world. (you must insert a Oracle game pak on GBA).
Third : complete the complex world and open the 5th chest ( Make sure it the fifth or you only gain a rupee then you quit the world forever (In this game anyway). Something will be downloading on your Oracle Game pak (won't work with roms or GS codes ;) )
fourth : Go on the GBA-only dongeon and bomb your way to the secret room. If you got the data... you a chest will appear. Open it to get the SuperUltraHyperSeed shooter. How to use it ? Hold the button to get an crosshair, and with the control pad t targwet something. release and hundred of the seed of your choice will hit the targeted baddie. Press once to shoot a special Bomb-seed ..like a rocket.
......and.....?........that's it? A thing that shoots seeds????? Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm...yeah.
Then i shall say good bye to Celes and that Cute little pink Sheep Pink_sheep : meep! :embarrased:
....I thought it was a goat..?
But not to that stupid gay evil_monkey
WOAH! HOLD ON THERE MR. SENSITIVITY WHAT THE HECK DID I EVER DO TO YOU? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST CALLED ME STUPID! I GRADUATED FROM THE FINEST UNIVERISTY IN ALL OF MONKEYLAND! AND MY SEXUAL PREFERENCES ARE OF MY OWN CONCERN THANK YOU VERY MUCH..NOW I'LL EAT YOUR BRAINS *EATS BOOKEN'S BRAIN*
*do what you want* And if you want someone that you can make suffer, i leave you demonghost *leave room* *everybody confused ;)
....that's an understatement..yeah I'm confused for sure. Well crystalys writes..
Hey cels! I usually don't send in But I guess I will I did for X #:o). So we can make up secrets eh? ooh how I've dreamed for this.
...umm I don't want to think about your dreams...scarry
....... yeah anyways I'll make this secret about FF6 yes I think we all saw this coming :P I'll call the code Supremo geto leo backo
A CODE TO SCRATCH LEO'S BACK!!!
If you couldn't tell it is to get Leo back from the dead
Oh..I assumed it was the ultimate code to scratch leo's back..I mean it's hard to do if you're dead and I guess one's back does get itchy..you know with the spiders and worms and blarg!
Not only do you get leo back but there is a little twist... you all love twists don't you.
NO I HATE THEM AND I WILL BOIL YOUR GUTS IN THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT THEN SPRINKLE WITH SOME SALT AND BAKE AT ONE-MILLION DEGREES THEN EAT THEM!
Twists are ok..but let's get on with the letter Mr. Monkey..
Ok the first move you have to make is when your fighting Atma weapon you have to have Shadow, Sabin, Edgar, and Celes. when you are in the battle use these moves 1) Auto crowsbow 2) Throw 3) Mantra 4) Atack with celes After you do these attacks Atma will stop fighting you and say you guys love me that much?
awwww you really love me Atma?
ULTIMATE!!!!!!! YES I DO I LOVE EVERYONE IN THE WORLD!!!!!
ERRRR! I HATE YOU!!!
ULTIMATE!!!!! THAT YELL THAT SCREECH!!! SO BEAUTIFUL ...I I I THINK I LOVE YOU!!!!!
Celes will go next to Atma and say of course we do As she is doing this The other three will all be in shock whispering stuff to each other. Anyways there is a big conversation and it ends with Atma joining your party. But there is a problem 5 People!!! so Atma descides she'll yes SHE'LL do something else
ULTIMATE!!! I'M A GIRL????
...you didn't know?
ULTIMATE!!!! NO!!! UMM WHAT ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH dicaprio ??????
Ummm but...ummm....I won't even try to understand this....you shouldn't either..
you see her run up to Ghestal and Kefka and knock them off the floating island Then she goes into the center of the three statues and Turns into a secret Item Payback is a bitch! :P After this Setzer comes up with the Airship and says Hurry up man We gotta get outta here before this Place blows. So you leave and find yourself in that one city where Relm comes from ... if you go to leo's tomb and press 'a' it will now make a popup that says Payback is a bitch Kefka. When this happens some celestial crap happens and Leo comes back from the dead! yeah.
Oh that's good.
He says that He will have payback on Kefka but there's one problem Kefka is dead
Oh that's bad.
Oh that's good..err wait..what?
It seems that the kefka at the island was only a robot and Kefka gathered up the three statues and is now underwater at Atlantus
when You go there you must take Leo and when you fight Kefka Leo get's real made and learns Paybacks a bitch which takes the place of shock...
anyways You all hurt Kefka bad and he does all the stuff that happened at the floating island. I hope you liked it!
I do! I really do!
Well I just do..not that I couldn't really like it, just well..yeah....and now you know, and knowing is half the battle.
I mean if... ah, crap gotta go no time to annoy cya! oh and if you want to try it go ahead
*runs over and plays through the game to that point then tries it*
it's a bunch of crap!
AHHHHH! I have to remember to read more than one sentence!
shut up already! :( meanie
Woah! Identity crisis! That's not me saying that! You out there reading this! That wasn't me!
You are hurt him feelings, that are bad.
YES HOW COULD YOU BE SO CRUEL? NOW I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR OWN SPINAL CORD!
*sigh* Don't you people listen to me?
no...hey wouldn't it be odd if something completely unrelated and insane happened right now?
Hey hey! Woah! CATS!
...what you say?
On my planet cats like that are the rarest! Come here kitty kitty *licks lips*
Nooo I are not being that type of cat! *runs*
Come here! I'm not going to hurt you.. the frying pan might..but not me! *runs after CATS* That reminds me of my aunt George, she always liked fast food!
...I WILL EAT ALF! *runs after Alf*
Mr. Pinky...the Benny Hill Music..
Narf!....errrr I'm not that pinky..but sorry we don't have that in our database..most of the computer's memory is being used to store Britney Spears songs..
*_* *looks around*...ummm well just leave that stuff along..umm yeah..I'll...ummm delete it later..Ok..great..well here's another letter! This one is from Future Trunks!
Oh... my...god... Celes in charge of the Mailbag!?! Egad! Oh, well. *gets a chocolate chip cookie and devours*
None for me? If you bring something to class you have to have enough for everyone. *cries insanely*
I know what the most frightening Secret Enemy in a game would be.
Pokémon and add in... Lunaris. If you did a special mini-quest earlier,
fight him right after the fight with Giovanni in the big building in
It goes like this.
Hey, I'm not that bad! I make a mistake or to but I don't suck that much.
Lunaris has a bad selection of Pokémon, because he used all his good
target practice. You defeat him easily, unless you really suck.
ARGH! I can't ever get to that truck! I know that's where Mew is! I just know it to be true!
Then, after launching Nuclear Warfare at your Pokémon, they
and you "black out", even though your dead.
Well..I can yell too. TRUNKS!!!!! YOU DIRTY LITTLE MONKEY!!!!!
......?....nothing... .. .moving on....Krafter42 writes,
I am scared to put anything into this weeks mailbag, for fear of what Celes may do with it.
hmmmmmmm what can we do with this?
*returns* We set up him the bomb?...nah that be getting done that all the time
*returns* EAT HIS BRAINS!!!!? OH AND BY THE WAY... ALF TASTES LIKE A CAT.
...nah..overdone....I think we'll do.....ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...but one little..little thing...and I'm not going to tell you what that is...so now...Live the rest of your life in fear of this little thing! AHAHAHAHA
Okay I finished putting his toothbrush in the toilet, what's next?
YOU FOOL!!!!! AHHHH!.....anyway.. jesr12 writes,
Yea that's right, 3 Fs because I love Final Fantasy. Back to the mailbag.
Well wait..maybe that's your name? Sorry, just filling in hehe
I'm crazy and twisted. This should be easy.
Yeah we need more twisted and crazy people around here!
First I'll take Final Fantasy 8 and screw it up to no end.
Characters-(The regulars) then when Squall is in space trying to save Rinoa
he looks to his right. And here comes Fox McCloud in his nifty spaceship, but
when he's flying he accidentally hits Rinoa sending her into nowhere land.
Then Fox brings Squall into his ship and Squall shakes his hand for getting
rid of the annoying girl. Then asks Fox to join them and bring along that
Also, Cid is already twisted. He goes from being a Pilot to a headmaster to a
Little ball? *confused*
Squall:Attack:chucks little ball at Sephroth. 5HP
..ohhh that's where that came in ^_*
Sephroth:Magic:shoots meteors from the sky. (causes no damage due to roof.)
Makes sense actually!...but wouldn't the ceiling just collapse?
Squall:Magic:opens a little bottle of Firaga and lets it hit Sephroth. 1000HP
..hmm could Sephy be a little sadistic?...nah..I always like to throw in a few more stabs to my dead enemies for spite
Squall:Flee:runs away due to blood. Game Over... (Yea I know I killed Rinoa twice)
..Good acknowledging that you have a problem is the first step..now why do we hate Rinoa so much?
She are hot! I are liking hot women!
..I must agree..a hot mud pie just oozing with dirty dirty dirty slime..so dirty dirty
WOMEN ARE GOOD SINCE THEY HAVE BRAINS WHICH I MAY EAT!
The question was not for you idiots! Anyway..lets..once again move on..boy lots of letters I guess. Summoner_klarth writes,
Gooday Cid, Lunaris, and the infamous ozzy.
....hmmm someone forgot to tell klarth that well.. Cid is not in..but if you leave your name number.....anyway..I bet Cid will take it as a compliment having someone mistake me for him.
.......umm if Cid wants everyone to think he's crazy ..yeah sure.
....urge to kill risin..errrr wait..no no! ahaha! I wouldn't have such urges..I'm normal :) ~Kill them all~...yes...errr huh?...heh..well yeah let's move on..
But enough small talk lets get right to the point.
Finally are someone with plan!
Hey! Only I can interupt the letters! *slaps Cats in the face with a glove* I DEMAND Satisfaction!!!
A good RPG secret, would have to be really really secret, i mean not just talkin' to some old man getting a key to unlock the door and look in a chest to find some weapon thats 100 times as powerful as any other weapon in the game.
Everyone knows that if you need something talk to an old man! Old people have secret stuff..It's true! I saw it on Martha Stewart.
*rolls eyes* Oops! one fell out...*aborbs dropped eye* Okie dokie!
No thats way too easy. The reward fist of all would have to be really really good, such as my favorate idea a spell that heals all your hit points and magic points. A spell like that would be CRAZY!
Crazy man! I like that baby! Yeah!
..ever hear of an inn?
No, Klarth didn't mean that. A spell you fool!
...wait...spells use MP..it restores all mp...wait...THAT'S CRAZY!
I know! That's what Klarth said stupid!
Anyway lets put this spell in the game Final Fantasy 6. In order to get the spell you would first have to use General Leo's "Kamakaze Slash" when he is fighting Kefka (and yes i know im BSing this all).
..okay is that Shock?.no..okay.. BSing? yes that sounds about right.. B sing be sing bee sing beesting....why did I do that?...hmmm
Even though Leo's "Kamakaze Slash" does 9999 damage to Kefka, it kills Leo in the process (thus giving it the name "Kamakaze Slash". Well anyway, Kefka will be laughing so much that he drops one of the many esper stones he was currently carrying, lets call it the "Nuffaboof Esper stone". Locke sees this rare esper stone, and cunningly pockets it for later use. Later in the game when you meet Gau's dad for the second time, he will mistakenly confuse the Nuffaboof Esper stone for a replacement part for his broken stove. But when Gau's dad inserts the esper stone into the stove, the stove explodes and launches the house into the air. Eventfuly the "rocket house" somehow lands in a intergalactive time poral that transports you to something i like to call "Zone X".
The X Zone?
No Zone X...
.......DARN IT! I don't know what Klarth meant!..was that just a word play..does it have some relation to the X Zone? Will we ever know?
Inside "Zone X" you will meet the "Tan Dragon of Distruction" who will instantly chalange you. The Tan Dragon of Distruction is a very formitable foe, but if you beat him you will get "The Sword of Cain" and you will also be instantly transported out of "Zone X". The "Sword of Cain can be used on the "Satue of Cain" in the town of Fiargo (the statue just "happens to be built" the next time you visit Fiargo). Cain will instanly come to life and will be enraged because first of all Cain used a spear in FF2, and second, Cain's name was spelled KAIN! Well after beating the Dragoon, he will tranform into the Kain esper stone, which will teach you the spell "Auto Elixer" that replenishes your HP and MP. Sorry if that ran long, see you all later
Wow, that was actually good. You see, you all should strive for that level of excellence! *clappeth*
...some other people did a fairly good job..why do you only clap for this one?
... Well I just felt like it okay! So many questions!!! Man so much damn pressure! You're driving me crazy!
...yeah that's like 3 feet from your house right? short trip huh?
...Why did I choose you idiots to be my sidekicks for this? I had those lovely hooded evil dudes and I choose you idiots!
LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU UPSET CATS! THERE THERE CATS! IT WILL BE OKAY
...hurt are feelings me are sad
...I hope you're happy...
...yeah I am actually. Now, next!!.......Dark Sand writes,
Dark Sand here, since I’ve done away with that goody two shoes Sand I’m free to try and take over the world, HAHAHAHAHA.
Don't you just love evil sides?
Yeah, fun for everyone.
Ergh, if any of you are cops you should probably ignore that anyway, back to the topic at hand, if I could put a crazy secret in any game what would it be? Well first I have to share with you this revelation I’ve had, you see it turns out that bad jokes are like bad hair days, they never seem to go away; they just keep bugging the heck out of people keeping them off balance and making them ripe for conquest. So prepare to bow down to your new lord and master because, my secret is about hair gel, that’s right hair gel.
I am interested.............VERY interested..
I figured the only game that such a crazy secret would fit in was earth bound, not that I really like the game, but it works with the motif. So I figured that in a run down neighborhood in earth bound you’d have this heavily fortified bunker, where the party would have to face legions of heavily style armed guards called, “Hair Styling experts” these would attack you with weapons like the conditioner which would muddle you, the styling gel which would paralyze you, and the dreaded shampoo, which would take 40% of you make Hp clean off. Any way after battling a few hundreds of they, they party would make it to center of the bunker where they would have to fight the omega weapon of the hair styling industry “Vidal Sassoon.” This monstrous creature would obviously beat the crap out of the party time and time again, and would reward the party only with some crappy prize like a life time supply of styling mousse if but some miracle they won. The prize in question would have to be completely useless and impossible to sell, other wise there might actually be a point to this.
Nothing like taking down those evil hair styling bastards!!!! Huzzah!!!
..did she get her medication today? Cats?
I are told Monkey to give it!
I MUST HAVE FORGOT WITH ALL THE DISEMBOWLING I WAS DOING
Well now that you’re all off balance I’ll be taking my rightful place as lord and master of the universe (See Dark Macc, it’s not that hard.) Now then Celes get me an aspiring and a large bottle of peach Snapple, chop chop.
ERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! Do I look like a waiter?
Maybe..wait a minute..
Ok...........................................?..........................?.....................Oh yeah that wasn't funny! Stupid puns!
Suddenly Dark Sand is clubbed over the head with a copy of evil monthly, Sand motions to his lakies to drag Dark Sand back to the dungeon. Sorry about that I over slept. Well since every thing is back to normal I guess I’ll just go home, oh and Celes forget about the Snapple.
............DO I LOOK LIKE A WAITER????
Ok, just wanted to check. Here's your Snapple! And our next letter from liteyear_99.
*The trademake gate appears in the center of the room*
What? Who are I? Hahahaha I can not believe you are not heard of me! I'm are the angel of the angelic, I are the sun of sunshine
Okay, first that was a horrible evil rant and second, I think liteyear_99 was refering to me which does make sense since like 5 people have ever met me or something.
...she ...she are called my rant horrible *cries insanely*
I KNOW THE HEARTLESS FIEND! HOW COULD YOU HURT CATS FEELINGS AGAIN? YOU KNOW HE'S SENSITIVE!
......*sigh* I'm a mean mean person! Now back to the letter!
Anyway, if I was going to put a secret into an RPG, I'd have to tie the mailbag humor into it. This would be the accescory Contract. Hidden deep underground, you would have to gain clues given by various characters and objects. Then, if you think you ave found the correct location, then you can dig for it. Of course, accuring the Contract wouldn't be that simple. Instead of finding it, you would instead find a teleportation device that would telepot you to... Macc's HQ! Here, you will have to climb this gruelling, 38 floor tower filled with the hardest enemies found in any game and have to fight bosses, such as Dr. Doppler, Vegeta, Zeromus, and everyone else that makes a life in Macc's HQ. If, by some mirclous reason you can make it to the final floor, you will have to participate in an interview with Macc himself, where one wrong answer will drop you down a plot hole, which will instantly kill you, and erase any saved game. If you can survive Macc's questioning, then you will have to battle Macc, Dark Macc, Rampage, Zero, Merlin (who will be it by a piano), and any other of Macc's friends, together. If you win that, Macc will give you one of his brilliant contracts, then send you back through the teleporter, and then destroy it. With your newly acquired contract, you can sign any enemy/boss to an unbreakable contract. The contract accessory will change your attack command to sign. With this skill, you have a 10% of tricking the enemy you want to signing something so you can transfer that signature to the contract. You can gain as many signatures you want, however, only one can be transferred to the contract. When you decide whose signature you'd like on the contract, you just use the signature lke you would an item on the character who has the contract. The the contract upgrades to signed cotract, and the attack command is changed to "Use Flunky". With this command, your flunky appears and random actions occur. Some of those include you plot holing your flunky, you dropping te ever popular 1000-T weight on your flunky, your flunky may actually attack your enemies, do meanial labour, or attempt to run away. I think that covers this weeks topio, and I believe that I've set a new record for myself by actually answer the topic first. Crono: Good for you. Hey, what are you doing here? I though I had you cleaning up my great hall. Crono: Well, I finished that up, and I decided to ruin your mailbag entry... Hey, what are you staring at anyway? I'll explain this. I got this guy set up to a less ingenious, but still rather effective contract. I put one of the clauses that Crono must actually speak. Crono: Well, I've always been able to speak. It's just that no one will ever listen to me... And for good reason. Good-bye, all. *Takes Crono by the arm, and both disappear in a flash of brillant blue light.*
Ahhhh there's nothing like a flunky.
Yeah, now cook my dinner woman!
...........hey don't you just slither on top of something and then ingest it through your..goey underside anyway?
GOEY UNDERSIDE?????? HHHMMMMM SOUNDS YUMMY!
Yeah, but that doesn't mean it has to be poorly prepared!
I LIKE MY FOOD RAW LIKE A DEAD PUS FILLED BIRD!
.....ACK! Gag me with a spoon!
*runs over* ybard?
Umm, that doesn't work.
Yeah, I can see how that would not work. *runs off*
And hey, I'm not your flunky stupid! You're MY flunky.
SO WHAT AM I? A FLUNKY MONKEY?
*slaps head* Next we get a letter from...Kahran042!
OK, this is how to get the top-secret fifth ending in Suikoden II. Basically, you have to fight the Highland soldiers on the cliff in Tenzan Pass at the beginning of the game 2,916 times.
That's worse than that stupid paladin shield!
If you're wondering about the significance of that number, it's 108 (the number of Stars of Destiny) times 27 (the number of True Runes).
Now, during the intro scene, a top-secret message will appear, reading "THE SECRET ENDING HAS BEEN UNLOCKED". Now, just play through normally up to the peace conference. To have a better chance of the secret ending, be as nice to Highland as possible. Now, at the signing, just as the Hero and Jowy are about to sign the treaty, Leon orders his soldiers to fire. You will then have to fight six Highland archers with just the Hero and Jowy. Fortunately, they're VERY easy. When you win, Leon will talk about "taking matters into his own hands", turn into Barney, and attack.
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!...You mean the purple dinosaur..right?
Culgan then enters, and you'll have to fight Barney. This time, you have Hero, Jowy, AND Culgan, making it painfully easy. When you win, Barney dies, screaming "Master Ricky, why have you forsaken me?" Jowy then admits that he was just Leon's puppet and that Leon probably was part of some greater scheme. You will then be in L'Renouille, where Jowy joins you permanently! In addition, Solon Jhee and Sasarai enter and join up as well. It seems that when Solon was "executed", they had forgotten to properly sharpen the guillotine and he escaped. Jowy allowed him to rejoin the Highland Army at his previous rank after becoming king. As for Sasarai, he came because it seems that an army of giant potato monsters have taken over Harmonia. He then joins either your party or your convoy and gives you the Harmonia Badge, which you need to enter Harmonia. Head to the Highland-Harmonia border, which has been taken over by potato monsters.
Potatoe monsters? What kind of game is this?
Ummm excuse are me, but potato do are not have an e in it.
...I just got corrected by cats..what happened to my life!
You will have to fight them, and they are
STRONG. A good party to beat them with is Hero, Jowy, Culgan, Seed,
Solon, and Viktor. After this, you can go through the border. Head
through Harmonia to Crystal Valley. This town, the capital of Harmonia,
is completely abandoned. Enter the castle and you will be attacked by
invincible potato monsters. The only way to win is to RUN! However,
Sasarai mentions a hidden passage under the cheese shop leading into
castle. Go to the Cheese Shop and buy some Whole-Milk Mozzarella. Then
enter the passage behind the counter and enter. In the passage, just go
straight until you reach a big door. You are now inside the castle.
whichever route seems right and you will meet Ricky, who had been
manipulating Highland and Jowston the whole time. You will then be
to form a party to fight him, which must include Hero, Jowy, and
Sasarai. This is very hard. He can use the top-level spell of each
all of the combos, and create potato monsters at the flick of his hand!
If and when you win, he activates his "Potato Rune" to turn into...an
ordinary potato. It has only one HP. When you win, you get a cool
where Highland turns good and allies with Jowston, and you get to
around the world. You can even explore the city area of L'Renouille!
After this, enter the throne room and talk to Jowy. He will ask you to
be his new right-hand man, now that Leon has, er, expired. If you
you see you and Jowy ruling Highland together, and some other stuff
I don't remember. If you don't, just go to your castle and enter Hai
Yo's restaraunt, where you see a depressing ending where the hero
himself with Crab Cakes, then dies of overeating.
MORAL:Highland good, Jowston bad.
Die of overeating...
THAT'S HOW I WANT DO DIE! A BELLY FULL OF LIVERS AND STOMACHS...MMM MMM
...even I think that's odd...but hey I don't even have a stomach!!
..again..we go off track with more boring and useless banter..now here Merlin has wrote an entry!
Hey there Celes, I promised a mailbag entry and I hope I'm not too wate or anything :)
Ahhh you see he's making jest at my Byebye Toooooooo WATE!!!! But he fails to realize that "Orange you glad I said byebye but so sad, to bad, Tooooooo WATE!!!" is a copywrite of Celes and all restrictions and that junk apply..I'm afraid I'll see you later Merlin..IN THE PEOPLE'S COURT!! or Judge Joe Brown..or Judge Judy..or Judge Mills Lane..or J
Shut up! You watch tooooooooooo MUCH!!!! day time TV!
Fine but like sand through an hourglass
heh heh heh...well anyway..
anyhoo, here goes...
THE ZIG TOO!!!!??? I ARE MUST KNOW IT!!!!
Now when you drink from the well, the screen will shimmer and take you back to...the first guy you talked to. He will say the same basic message, only his clue will change, meaning the well has changed location. If you want to try to find it again, you'd have to talk to the ten people again, and get the new clues. And if you found the Well again, well, you'd "forget" it's location once again and end up back at the beginning. Cruel eh?
Now that was a very good idea.
The moogle car?
NO! The Well of ...of...something, I forget.
...I don't know...what did you say?
Huh? Who are you?
...I don't know. Here's a letter from Mazrim Taim...hmm I'm suppose to read this?
Well, it may be sort of late (it's already Sunday here...), I hope you'll accept my (Mazrim Taim's) entry. I already have sort of an idea going, but I'm sure it'll get even better as I go along.
Of course I'll accept your idea...for what?
*SMASHES Celes and Pinky with a big fist*
*splatters all over the place*
My hidden characters and situations will be set in the game Final Fantasy IV.
Hey plot hole! Perfect! Now I'm fine and we didn't even need to explain how I got all better ^_^
What about me?
Oops I forgot
Inside the second house...you will have Cecil, Edge, and adult Rydia, and the only items are "Angry Slap" and "Glass of Grapefruit Juice," as well as the "Cheap Hacking Device." In random rooms in the house, you'll find someone who looks like adult Rydia, but wearing clothing baring less skin, and looking a bit older. She will say, "Hello, Rydia. I'm you, but later. In time, you'll be me." Cecil will start saying how that's mathematicall impossible, but she'll tell him to shut up, that he's only here because of the game rule. To Edge, she'll laugh at him and point at a young boy with short green hair. "Who do you think is father?" Then she'll laugh again. If you talk to the boy, he'll say random witty yet mean things about whoever he talks to. To Cecil: Your father was made of cheese! How does it feel to suck so much yet have to always be around better characters? To Edge: I'm sure your parents would have been proud to see you chasing Rydia instead of training. However, if Rydia is leading the party, he'll shrug and say, "I can't say anything bad about my mother, can I? If you give him the glass of juice, however, he'll drink it and join your party. He's just another mage, but his special attack is "scathing wit" which causes the enemy to run off with its tail between its legs.
Okay so far so good! Now I can't wait for the next!
And the third house is empty! Hah! And so is the fourth and fifth! However, rumor has it that the 4 and a halfth house has something interesting in it...
Well, that's about it. I'm tired, sorry for the bad quality. Good night.
Poor quality? heh! If you want to see something like that, read this mailbag!
>_< :P Anyway, moving on..The CamelKaiser (I think...only people that I know actually tell me who they are) writes,
Alrightly,hello ChocoCiddy.and my ideal for a twisted twist for an RPG secret charecter would be in EarthBound,and the char would be...*cue drums* THE NEW AGOE RETRO HIPPIE *funky music begins to play*
ChocoCiddy? I'M NOT CID!! Can't you people read???? Oh well sorry ^_^ But now a New Age Retro Hippie, now that's cool man, cool!
First off,to accquire our lovable tree hugger,you would first have to give a hamburger to Picky in Onett,who would give you the Ultra Pretty Machine(TM),which you would have to use on your dog.After than,the doggie would become your own personal fire fighting baseball bat..The Waazoo.Then,you would haveto get into a fight with a N.A.R.H.in Twoson.Once the battle begins,the N.A.R.H would noutice you have the Waazoo,and then go crazy-ish on Poo,and would thus kill him,causing him to be absorbed(?) by Pokey's evil evi evil spider machine thingy(TM),then,the Hipster Hippie would join your par-thee!.
Well, you've certainly captured the feel of Earthbound there hehehe
His Lvl. would be 54,and his PSI abilites would be:Funk Beam,Double Love Tree Blaster,and Cop Repel Alpha and Beta.
Yeah, I remember when we were fighting THE MAN. Those were some hard times but we had heh heh our little friend to get us through
OH THANK GOD IT WASN'T WHAT I WAS THINKING YOU MEANT!!!!!!
Yeah, we'd take sugar all day long...we'd really freaky out. Creme almost OD'ed on the stuff..got so hyper he exploded and we couldn't find all of him at first.
SUGAR IS FOR THE WEAK, THE BLOOD, NOW THAT'S GOOD EATIN'
And now we come to the last letter (ignores monkey, pinky, and cats...to freaky for me right now) and we come to a letter from Jarlaxle!
Figaro Castle was being attacked by Kefka and his minions, but it submerged into the sand and was safe. Or was it......
I are scared! Hold me!
Oww! You're heavy! *drops Cats*
Thus begins the tale of Kefka, Emperor Gestahl, and General Leo in the Empire's Quest for the Holy Grail.
We are being the knights who are saying
Shut up! I hate that line! ...ok..now everyone is mad at me..sorry! I know how all living beings like that movie!
After pestering King Edgar Figaro for information regarding the grail and not receiving any, Figaro Castle was attacked. On Kefka's way out of the desert, he was approached during the night by a band of rogue vigilantes, who dressed in black with hoods to keep warm during the cold desert nights. The leader of the band, Brock he called himself, told Kefka, Gestahl, and Leo that the Holy Grail was concealed inside the Sealed Gate, in the world of the Espers. Morning came, and Terra, Edgar, and Locke set out for Doma Castle to alert the royalty about the danger awaiting the Grail.
.....what's this? A display of actual writing? *attempts to disbelieve* and is that Brock from Pokemon?
When they arrived at Doma, however, Leo was seen running through the castle, singlehandedly slaughtering all of the residents of Doma Castle. Gestahl teleported to the year 1995 AD and bought a bottle of Red Food Coloring, teleported back, and emptied it into the river. Kefka used telekenisis to tie up Cyan, place him by a rock near the river, and place the bottle of food coloring in his hand. The Empire left shortly thereafter, and headed for the Sealed Gate. When Locke, Edgar, and Terra arrived, they found Cyan with a bottle of what seemed like......poison? Shadow showed up for hire, and quickly kills Cyan for 200 GP.
..wow old Cyan was worth only 200 GP?
Edgar, Terra, Shadow, and Locke recruit Sabin, Strago, Setzer, and
Celes to go with them to the Sealed Gate. They arrive as the gate is being
opened. Locke, Shadow, Setzer, and Celes quickly don black hoods and robes,
proclaiming themselves as the vigilante band, led by Brock, and are on the
side of the Empire. Terra, Edgar, Sabin, and Strago fight bravely, but Celes
and Leo quickly dismantle all but Terra, who is mysteriously protected by the
power of the Holy Grail now that the gate is open. Gestahl teleports into
the gate, steals the Holy Grail, and dies when he touches it in
mid-teleportation. The Grail drops at the feet of the party. All but Leo,
Kefka, and Terra die from the extreme Holy light.
Kefka casts Merton in an attempt to melt the grail, but immolates
himself instead. Leo faces off against the now morphed Terra, fighting for
the Holy Grail. All of a sudden, the Grail shines brightly, and a tall man
with long, wispy, silvery hair steps through a portal, easily disposes of Leo
and Terra, and steals the Grail.
Back in Midgar, Sephiroth destroys all of Shinra with his new Grail,
and proceeds to rule the world as its undisputed leader.
Nice twist at the end there..heh..sneaky.
I saw that a mile away!
...I still are not getting it!
I WILL EAT THAT GRAIL AND THEN EAT YOU TOO!
...I guess that's not going to have much saturated fat in it.. Anyway, Dragon God's letter is next!
Ok, since I'm the one maintaing the FF Tactics Shrine,
I'd thought I'd come up with a FF Tactics related
Remember Game Genie? Yeah, it's all gameshark this and gameshark that..but game genie was so much cooler!
Nobody cares what you think!!!! You and your old-fashioned crap. Come on! Who else but you thinks that 3D games are produced by Satan to currupt the universe?
ME! DONKEY KONG AND PONG ARE THE ONLY GAMES I PLAY...WELL SOMETIMES I SPOIL MYSELF WITH A LITTLE PACMAN BUT THAT'S IT! AND USUALLY WHEN I PLAY THAT I'M THINKING OF KILLING THINGS SO I'M NEVER REALLY INTO IT THAT MUCH
I see @_@
First, you'd need Rad, the guy who joins your team as
a Squire at the beggining of chapter 2, you'd need to
use him in every battle you do, have him master the
Mediator Job, get to the point where you could start
the Cloud Sub Quest, complete the first 3 battles at
Goland Mines, then before the last battle, you'd need
to strap Rad with Mediator Supoport Skill " Train "
and equip him the Romanda gun, the demon will try to
kill Reis, so have someone kill all the monsters but
the demon, when he's alone, have Rad attack the demon
until he gets to " critical " state, but make sure
Reis dosen't kill him....
Hmm that seemed like a good entry but I've hardly played FFT at all.
I are beat it. It are easy.
...for some reason..I really don't believe you..
DON'T BECAUSE HE IS LYING! I MUST STRANGLE HIM WITH HIS LARGE INTESTINES NOW!
...right..this is getting weird..anyway.........Lunaris writes,
Hello Cel! Lunaris is speakin' here!
.....no...I don't think any of us will recover from this bout of completely moronic truely insanenessisity that I have crafted so stupidly...;)
Oh well, I hope that you got a security agent for that week...'cause I'm bored like heck right now. Blasting Mutants and all get boring when you only do that in a day.
..umm which of you is my security?
Not me, I don't care if you get shot at or run over or boiled in oil or hit with a bus or
I get the point...and monkey..no need to say anything
I FIGURED YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND WITH MY DESIRE TO EAT YOUR VITAL ORGANS
NO! It are not being me, I don't want to get are hurt! *cries insanely*
Er.......Anyway! It been a long time that I din't responded a
mailbag(*coughcough*) so I might answer it now. Secrets and items for
game, ne? Well, here a few ideas...*Vault Dweller comes in*
Violent...distrubed..talking to yourself...
I LIKE IT!
Yeah..almost as bad as I am..almost...but well fish monkey table pig!!!!! Now I have you beat..haha hahahaha hahahahaha....ha?..Rirse in our final letter writes,
Hiya Celes, I knew it was you in the start, since I saw Cidlofas talking to you about hosting the mailbag this week. Good job to you, Atmaweapon(no thanks to Dicapo), Borg Gates, and CAT. Anyways, to the topic about making RPG secrets.
Thankyou and all the other's I'm sure thank you too. See someone said something nice. You all should be so kind.
I would probly choose Final Fantasy 4, which is my all time favorite Final Fantasy(sorry Celes and Atma Weapon about not saying 6), since it was the first real RPG I ever play(stupid Twin Towers).
Actually I like FF4 more than 6. I could have easily ended up as Rydia..just the luck of the draw and the fates of the universe...
...I feel soo...enlightened with your bs
Anyways, I would have it where you can kill off Edward the spoonybard. It starts by going back to Castle Toria with the drill ship. And then go to the swamp and push against the wall near Edward's room to find a hidden door leading in that reveals that Edward is secretly faking his illness from the sea and is really working for Goblez and Zemus. You then fight him out in a cool fight that if you win, gets you the spoony spoon item that turns Zemus into a singing Smurf, which isn't good(kinda of like how Myria in Breath of Fire 1 isn't hard at first, but after doing a move to her, make her into this hard fight. If you beat him that way, you can get Golbez to join you in one last quest to find out what REALLY happen to the hidden room in Drawf's castle.
another good idea!
Yeah, how can you go wrong killing Edward?
ENOUGH!!!! I AM NOT A SPOONYBARD! I DO NOT SUCK! I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL!!!! *hides*
I WILL EAT HIM AND DEVOUR HIS
*show* *smashes monkey in the head with a harp* *hides*
Oh great, now he's gone all psycho on
*show* *smashes Pink Puff in the...head? with a harp* *hides*
Don't worry...I'm ready for
*show**smashes Celes in the
*matrixes out of the way and smashes Edward with her sword*
ERRRRRR! YOU FOOLS! YOU WIN......FOR NOW! I will rule you all...and become......THE MOST POWERFUL BARD IN THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!! ah ahaha ahahaha aaaaaaaahahahahahahaahahaaahahahaha mwahahaha ha hahahaha aaaaahaha uh uh uhahahahaha uwahaha uuuwwwwwaaaaahhhhh ha!!*hides*
...great..You see what happens when you make fun of someone? They become evil and try to take over the world! Great!
Well I hope you like my secret, Celes and I suggest you bring Bill Gates to the party for making fun. Seeya.
Oh I forgot all about Rirse's letter we were interupting! Bring Bill Gates? But that..that wouldn't be good...I remember last time he was here....*flash back...you knew I had to put one in*
Hey, no prob. I'll get the door. *opens door*
....? Ummm hello. Look everyone it's Bill Gates!
Oh no! Not him again!
Hey What's wrong with Bill?
...well a lot of things, but I don't know if I need to mention all the things *pulls out one of those really long lists like santa has*
Hey, give him a chance at least.
Yeah Macc, what's wrong with you? |-P
.......*remembers right and wrong from watching Pokemon*...I will not hurt you...I feel much better. Pikachu has provided me with the light.
That's an odd thing to *get's smashed with a piano*....owwww
Who keeps dropping those?
Nobody knows...it's just how the universe works.
Hey weren't we talking about Bill?
Yeah, keep him out.
He's more trouble than it's worth. Always trying to take over the world.
Hey, I think everyone tries that sometime I mean I did last week.
Oh yeah I remember that. I don't think that worked too well..heh
Yeah, no need to remind me..stupid shoes just had to come untied and trip me just as I was about to touch the crystal of ruling the world. Why did I have to wear sneakers??? WHY!!!
[Dark Sand] Hey why don't I have a pic here?
[AFWpunisher] Same reason I don't, Celes couldn't find a pic of you.
Ummm shouldn't you guys be in Character?
Yeah. At least everyone knows who you are. I mean..someone might just think I'm crono and not Sorcerer14, did you ever think of that?
Now you're out of character...wait..so am I..interesting.
Yeah, that's the way the cookie crumbles.
hey..wouldn't this party be happening before you even knew about this place?
umm...hmmm I don't know.
[Rogue Paladin Trian]Well perhaps you should try to find out.
Yeah, that would help...man do I have a small part in this or what?
[Infonick] Again, need someone bring up that some of us don't even have a pic on here?
Yeah, yeah, we heard you.
[Wertigon] You better have! I'll say some nonesense so I get a bigger part.
Hey, wasn't there some point to this a while back?
Yeah there was..but it sort of went to pieces.
I think the point was we are having a party, everyone is here and we are to decide whether to allow Bill Gates to join the party or not.
Well I think that sums it up pretty well.
[Dark Vampire] well...? ummmmmm
We should do something..right?
Yeah. So does he stay..or go?
[Arcanus Dominus] It's a tough choice..
[Megaman984] Yeah, hard to decide...
[Mercenary9] Yeah, but hey who cares really..well that was mean, don't worry about it.
[Zombiegirl] Why does this all of a sudden remind me of something..
[nineinchnails_999] I don't know hmmmmmm seems strangely familiar though
[Dragon God] Yeah it does...
[StakeTeriyake] Like, we've done this before...
[JasoX] *sees a tumbleweed roll by*
[Faris Satzenine] ?
I say...aww what the heck, keep him. What harm could it do?
Don't you see the harm!!! I've wasted like an hour typing all you into this!!!
Oh, I see. Well I see I'm not wanted..*leaves*
WHAT THE HECK WAS THE POINT OF THAT??????????
I don't know. Well I think you got your answer there Rirse...somewhere in there. Oh and if I missed you, take it as a compliment! Seriously I just went through the message board and picked out anyone I could see and you always could have just sent in a mailbag thingy! see! It's your fault! And forgive my grammer and spelling mistakes...I'm afraid you'll have to live with it! ahahaha! Well next week the topic is, "If you would star in your own RPG, who would be the heroes and villains and what would it be about?". You better write into Cidolfas and make it good or I'll come looking for you...........you don't want that ^_* Byebye Toooooooooo WATE!!!!!!!!! *collapses*
Ahh nice to be back. *flips on the light switch in the mail room*................????????? Monkey fur? Pink slime? A saucer of milk? Britney Spears CDs?....what have I done!!!???