RPG Classics Mailbag
Ah, hello. My name is webrunner. I do a Webcomic you may or may not have heard of. As you may notice, I don't have a huge book, glasses, or even incredible typo powers but I do have this spiffy fleecy sweatery thing.
Look at it? Isn't it spiffy. It's got a stripe down the arms and everything. Anyway, I'm the mailbag host this week and the topic is... EVIL PLOTS. Please imagine a ominous "dun dun DUNNNN" sound or a lightning bolt with that phrase, it really helps. And now, the mail in no particular order.
Hi, this is Zagrius here. I guess I already used the "take the bahamut materia to take over the universe" thingy, so I'll just do somethign else:
Ok, let's say I live in the FF7 universe (don't ask me why all my posts are about FF7, it just happens), and there are lots of materia. So... I build myself a good reputation, and then give the group of heroes, whoever they are (let's say Cloud is already old and senile at this time) a task, to gather all the materia of the world and give them to me so I can use them to destroy a huge demon bent on world domination (which I summoned, tee hee...). After they give me all the materia I really go and destroy the demon (I summoned him by promising to share the world with him, and the last thing I need is to fight him when he finds out that I'm not planning to share... He also won't be so surprised if I attack him then after he knows my real agenda...), and then thank the heroes, ask of them to give me their weapons so I can sacrifice those in a ritual that will defend the world from evil forever, but actually destroy the super weapons they got in their adventure and then kill them. That way nobody will be able to stop me and my horde of materia created summons/spells/abilities!!!! Muahahahaha!
Victory for evilness, ness ness!!
That's a pretty good plan, I guess but-
It'll never work.
It'll never work. First, most hero teams have a theif and they'll just take the materia back. Second, sacrificing weapons in a ritual? I don't know what books you've been reading but that's not even plausable. At least tell them that their weapons are actually evil or something, I mean spoon!
Er, yes. Moving right along.
If I had to conquer the world, I would first slip into other dimensions and absorb all the life and energy from them, thus becoming more god-like. Then I would summon the demons of hell to emerge and become my army of disgusting, revolting, easy-to-kill (well, maybe not THAT easy) minions. After the army is built, I'll build a war room, buy a large map of the world, and plot out my evil course.
You would need considerable power to even begin dimension hopping to begin with. Unless you had some sort of rift, but that's cheating and the heroes can use it too. And if you meet me around, do say... hi.
Um, this is my mailbag you know.
. . . . . . . oh?
Plus, Demons are easy to defeat!
Karn! Don't give them ideas!
Let's just go to the next mail..For that, you must act silencly. No one must know you exist! Take country one by one, and don't let other suspect anything. Destroy any treath, always in shadow. Who knows, some heroes would try to stop you. Don't forget to get a pathetic villain as a General, those are so useful.
And don't, never call yourself the happy pink little rabbit with a cute shoe.
And you could be succesful.
Nice to give you advice, but now i will have to destroy all of you!
Destroy me? I'd like to see you try, finite.
Out of all the things one can do silently, taking countries isn't really one of them.
I agree. Anyway, here's another letter..Hi! Doc Shinryuu here. Just responding to the RPGC mailbag again. Anyway, here goes! If I were an RPG villan, My plot to annoy/ take over the world would be one of my most devious plots yet! I would first collect components for two giant speakers and put them on the Earth's Geographic Poles. Then, I would project the two most annoying phrases in history all across the globe! What are those phrases, you ask? The first is the ongoing FF4 joke, "You spoony bard!"; The second is Cidolfas of RPGC's Maniacal laugh. I would play them continually until every government of the world submits! However, by the time I collect the components, the hero of the RPG and his/her group would come and kick the crap outta me, but that's normal for an RPG villan, I guess. Ah, well. Back to contemplating FF11's supposed Multiplayer option...
"You spoony bard!"... MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!
P.S.: If anyone who is reading this knows any FFT Attack Incantations off the top of their head or a website that does, send 'em to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I'm making a list.
Erm. Yes. Anyway, what would YOU do against that plot?
Cut the cord?
Die, most likely. Or hide.
That's your answer to everything.Hello,
My name is Xam Nulop, I am fairly new here, as this is my first response
I am sure no one realized the evil they have unleashed with asking for evil plots from me. excuse me...
... all right, that's out of my system
Most good evil plots have been taken by Microsoft (one step in annoying the world would be forming a company called Macrohard MWuahahahahaha... I'm done laughing now), so I would do the most evil thing in the world, sell my soul to the darkside... Start a cult of retro hippies that will enter the most important parts of various world governments, starting with Zimbabwe, Uzbekistan, and Myanmar ('cus they have cool names) I would control the UN and turn it to evil, enforcing none other than, GOOD GRAMMAR though the world of the internet.
Then I will use my power for good, killing Bill Gates, and redeeming my self for it.
**Xam Nulop has left the building**
Enforcing good grammar? Destroying Microsoft? This is what passes for evil these days? Why, back in my day-
It still is your day.
Right. Remind me to throw you in the spikey pit when we get back.
... yes sir.Yay! it's webrunner! Anyway...
Well, it's simple, really, do what I'm doing right now: train an army of cloned moogles as my foot force. With my unique class system and my manipulation of DNA, they can do anything.
Oh, and there's the ragnarok buster too *aims at Ozzie and turns him into a chookie*
Yay, it's me!
But can they make waffles?
Most likely, it's not that hard..
Good, because I like waffles.
Thachook very thinly veiled insultchook wasn't very nice.Well, I would take the easy approach, first send a wave a about 500 forest imps at our heroes. Then I would send Gilgamesh to waste some time, and when Gilgamesh ran and the heroes chased him, I would stab them all in the back!
Well, GILGAMESH might be able to stab them all in the back, but unless you have some sort of magic four-bladed knife I doubt it'd work.
I like the stabbing thing.
I'm not surprised.
And now.. more mail!
OW! Sorry. Anyway, 'master', I hope you realise that whoever reading this might be good guys too!
Why why why why!?
I always start these damn mailbags off so idiotically!!!! Damnit damnit damnit!
I'll have to work on that.
like I said before hello webrunner. I do not know who you are (ooh ah)
Umm... so you've got an online comic. That's nice. I've got an online comic too. What's the address... umm... http://404error.com ??? Maybe ... ok... it's not... and I don't have a comic :( BUT!
*announcer: We don't want a life story get on with your damn plot!!!*
Now. before I go into my plan. I have to do the original for me. (I may be high and just imagining this... maybe not though!!! BWAHAHAHA!!!)
*Announcer: I said get on with it!*
I SAID WAIT UP!
*clicks a switch*
*ozzie falls through a plot hole*
God that makes me chuckle every time.
Ok now I'll go into my evil plan.
*announcer: alright it's about time!*
Ok, you can either destroy/take over/ annoy/ ==>Enter other evil thing to do here<==
*announcer: What is that last option?*
*Crystalys slices the announcer in half*
Now you'll shut up.
The first one I will get into is annoying the world.
Now this is very easy.
For the world has already been annoyed by me and me and myself and someone else (probably just another form of me)
Alright now let's get with taking over the world (you will be my slaves all of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
*announcer: We didn't accept you for maniacal laughing ok.*
WHAT? HOW'D YOU GET BACK!? I KILLED YOU...
*announcer: umm.... ... I got better.*
*Crystalys kills the announcer again*
Get better from that!
*Announcer: Hey, I got better again.
ARGH! Who cares, you know you'd be better then me at annoying the world?
*announcer: I don't think so, you're pretty annoying.*
*reaches in his bag and gets out some blueprints and puts them stretched across my plan (it is a blue print of the world)*
Now here is my plan.
*announcer: wait, you're not going to kill me for calling you more annoying then me?*
*points to Africa*
The first place I will take over is Africa for the weak humans that lie there are weak and easily swayed with little resources! Muahaha.
*Announcer: ARGH! Why aren't you answering me!?* Now I will convert the measly weak Africans to become my army of darkness.
At this time I will cast the spell of awakening that shall cause the once puny Africans to become undead creatures of unimaginable strength.
*gets done drawing a little African an arrow and a big daemon*
*Announcer: NOO!!! I MUST BE HEARD!!!!!!!*
Alright with my unstoppable army of darkness I shall seek out the damn hero of the ages that will obviously be easily defeated so he would WANT me to overlook him, and obviously destroy him.
Haha! I knew it would work.
Then it would just be the simple task of taking over the continents one by one and converting the measly carbons that once lived into strong daemons and creatures.
Then I shall simply cover the world with a few great sceneries and visuals.
Example: Fire everywhere and barelands with bones all over the place.
Then it would just be the task of building magic portals to other planets and conquering them!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
*gets done drawing lines to continents and then nice scenery on his blue prints*
Ok that's nice to own the world.
But... if you really HATE this world. (like anyone evil such as me)
Then you'd rather destroy it.
We'll since my last plan was medieval like, I guess I better do a futuristic evil plan this time.
YES THAT'S RIGHT VARIATION OWNZ!
My first task would be to make a settlement on the moon that noone could see even from Galileo's telescope.
Just in case some wise man of some sort wants to tell a legendary hero about the weapon of mass destruction I'm making.
I shall take the precaution of killing every wiseman descendent in the world before I shall go to the moon.
Now once on the moon I shall start complying evil Giant magnetic force creator.
This weapon may not seem very dangerous, but twas it is.
You see this weapon shall contract EVERY metal substance in the world. This meaning metal on the opposite side of the earth as well.
This metal shall have to travel through the posterior of the feeble little earth with the little human pathetic fools inside of them.
This shall leave giant holes of maximum destruction for my liking.
Then the world being unstable from the giant holes inside of it going through the crust even, shall explode!
Then I shall stand atop of a mountain on the moon and do one of those mandatory maniacal laughs.
AHahahahaHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAH HA.A.HAHA HH.A HHAH A A.AA AHAA HA AHAAHA AHA
Well that is my post I hope you liked it.
*announcer: Who would like that!? that was the most retarded thing in the world.*
I THOUGHT YOU EXPLODED!
*announcer: You know, I despise that you automatically treat me like an inferior*
THAT'S IT WITH THE MONTY PYTHON QUOTES!
*announcer: This... is a dead announcer!!!*
*kills himself leaving the world unscathed (damn announcer must have been the legendary hero.)
That was rather long.
What do you have against Africa anyway?Evil plan, is it? Well, there's always the good old accidentally knocking over the artifact of ultimate power leading to the world as we know it being forever changed, or that classic turning my rival into a ten year old and sealing his power then setting him loose to try and get his power back and stop me from destroying the world in a giant supernova. But, I lust for a more original plan that might actually work.
And so, my plan is... First, I find another evil villain and learn of his plan. Then, I send my evil minions out into the world to find a plucky group of young adventurers whose leader had a close friend/family member killed by this villain. Then, I take a hundred of my strongest minions and ambush them, killing them all and disposing of the bodies with a simple X-Zone. Then, I shall get myself a more outgoing heroic costume, a perky and beautiful yet still feminen love interest, a swordsman who'd lose a battle of wits with a jar of mayyonaise, but can wield a blade bigger than most men with an ease usually associated with breathing, a zany thief who will be cool while providing comic relief and rare items from bosses, and a small fuzzy cute thing that would be hard pressed to beat an Imp even if it were at Level 99 with it's ultimate equipment, and I will replace the heros.
After doing that, I will go on their quest, get all of the powerful artifacts, weapons, and magics that the heros often get and then defeat the villain. Once that is done, I will not only be the strongest person in exsistance, but the people will also love me enough that I can call my army of evil minions the Army of Peace and then simply annex the major kingdoms before starting my reign of terror.
Of course, either there's a gaping flaw in my theory there, or I'm too smart to be a villain since a villain smart enough to win is doubtless against one of the cardinal RPG rules.
But, that's enough outta me. Excal out.
I wouldn't suggest the knocking-over thing, beleive me. It's spoony to organize my room now.
Hey Excal. Two words: SAVE POINTS. If you kill the heroes they just reload.
Then you can destroy them again.
Er, yeah. Next!This is LZFFSMOG signing in. This is my first reply to the mailbag, which is good. I don't think I need to elaborate more on that and should continue on with my reply. I think I have it mapped out perfectly for how I will take over the world. First, I would destroy every opposing city there is. And like a bunch of blood-sucking hummingbirds, I would hit in multiple places to prevent the hero from stopping me. When the hero saves one town, I will have already destroyed the others. And when he finally gets to those towns, I will have already have moved back in and destroyed the one he saved. I would also make sure I don't have much competition by enlisting false heroes. These heroes go about faking the heroic thing, but when they encounter real heroes, they will kill them. I would also use propaganda to my favor. I will slowly spread rumors about the hero being a thief, a falsifier, somebody that killing innocents and then claiming they were evil in a attempt to get away with it, and a coward. Which will make it all the easier when I frame him for murder. Then its all a matter of staying secret from the people and the hero so when the hero if finally dead and the spirit of the people is crushed, Its only a matter of rebuilding and convincing them that I'm the good guy and should be their ruler. Then when I am king I will have devices secretly implanted in everybody's head so I can monitor you and arrange an accident to take care of you. Its simple really. This is LZFFSMOG signing out.
Hum. That's pretty good, actually. But I prefer the hands-on approach.
Let's see if the next mails even better! It's from Budskithere is a simple and easy way to take over the worl
1.buy a truck
2.paint the word GOLD DELIVERY on the side
3.go to fort knox
4.get the gold
5.get all the gold and buy anything you want..............including enough weapons of mass destruction to take over the major powers
*gets out a notepad* Would you mind elaborating on those steps (particularly 4 and 5?)
I'd imagine you'd have to show ID or something to get let into Fort Knox. A truck with GOLD DELIVERY painted on the side isn't going to cut it.
. . . *throws notepad away*Evil plot? Oh, dang.... that's the part I always forget whenever I try to take over the world...
Well, for starters, I'd talk using an eerie, blood-red font! That way I could strike ph33r into the hearts of, you know, imps and moogles.
Then, I'd attempt to kill off said imps and moogles, cuz they're a threat to my eeeeeevilness! Of course, I only have myself to blame... evil villains hafta level up too...
Then, as the Light, Dark, or Fish Warriors came after me, I'd send wave upon wave of easily-destroyed henchmen (including one that waits behind doors and runs away after getting hit once or twice), providing said warriors with the EXP they'd need to level up and stuff.
And when the heroes finally caught up with me, I'd use the power of the crystals/planet/my mom to change into three or four different forms, including a spectacular final one that looks sorta like an angel and can reduce the entire party to one HP in one fell swoop, but is unable to cast Cure3!
Of course, after my eventual downfall and defeat, I'd go on to bigger and better things, and quite possibly enter e-business.
Have you been reading my secret plan book?
That's your plan? No wonder we're losing.
I have to agree. That plan is exceedingly stupid. I don't know how you managed to beat me.
Oh yeah.Well first off, hi to are guest host and sorry for not commenting on the mailbag for the last two month since becoming a staff member here. Anyways, I better get to the point before Ozzie and Lucca plot my demise.
My evil plot idea would be making people watch the worst movie I can find...what you mean that idea was used already. Fine, I guess Dr. Forester's idea wouldn't work then. I will instead form a boy band of evil villains minions who will not only destroy the minds of young girls, but also secretly take over at the same time. Maybe a better idea would work if I had more time. Meh and goodnight. --Rirse
You're going to take over the world.. with bards? Oh, that'll work.
Do not underestimate the physical ones
Watch. *pokes Gildward*
. . . next.To annoy/ take over the world, it's amazingly simple! You merely have to follow Queen Brawns (~_~ Or whatever that fat queen in FF9 name was) example. Kidnap your own daughtor steal runes out of her, and summon giant dragons to crush the world.
And all the while disguise yourself as an old washer woman (Or man -- It's a gender safe job .... I think ^_^) and when your dragons get defeated, reserach the black arts and become a kick butt necromancer, then raise your dead dragons!!!
And to top it all off have a never ending chorus of 'it's a small world after all' being sung to drive your enemies insane!
Again with the musical plans? Right, allow me to demonstrate again..
Eep! *hides*Dark Sand here, well I've finally gotten ride of Sand, that good for nothing alter ego of mine, any way evil plots well the best thing I can come up with is the plot Zero and me used in a movie we did in 5th high, it's a cheesy 1920s SF serial, so it has the be an annoying plot. Any way here is the exert of the part where Dr. Evil Eye (the villain, obviously) accidentally recites his master plan in font of the heroes....
(Evil Eye shows up on the viewscreen and recites his master plan)
Dr. : They’ll see what will happen when I use my doomsday device to blow up the sun, blinding every human in the cosmos, so that my allies the Cryslenses, an evil race of mind-controlling aliens, can take over!
Sam and Capt. : (Camera focuses on Captain Impressive) Oh no! (Camera focuses on Sam) Oh no! (Camera zooms out) Oh no! We have to stop him!
Dr. : What are you two… Ah crap! (Turns off the viewscreen)
(Back on the Rocket Ship)
Sam: Capt. I think we just overheard his masterplan!
Capt. : Yes, but the the question is, What is he planning to do?
Sam: But Captain, he j…
Capt. : Like I said, all we need now is to find what he’s planning…
Anyway that's basically it, as you can see it's a useless insane plot, but hey, it can't be worst then trying to destroy the galactic ozone layer, and THAT IS A REAL SERIAL PLOT, and don't mind the camera shift, I was too lazy to take them out....
*DS goes back to putting Sand "to the question...."
Every human? How would it descriminate? What about aliens that have highly light-sensitive eyes?
I prefer blowing up the moon. It'd change my daily routine lessHey everyone.... um
*an ominous silence*
*Gaborn starts sweat ing*
I've refined my typing skillz (yes skillz) as you can
I am not a very evil person, but I'll try my hand at
First off, I would take control of the government is
some game (I dunno what one). Then I would slowly
take control of mini-countries like. . . . Any little
countries at all. Then I would ban weapon selling.
Because those would-be heroes out there would be able
to get a weapon. I would place WELL TRAINED and
DISCIPLINED soldiers, better yet, machines in every
single town and every single plot of land would be
under surveillance (I SPELLED IT RIGHT). Then, if any
uprisings occur, I would immediately send a detachment
of my best troops, unlike most people who "test them
out" first, idiots. I would then construct a missile
defense sytem and a space defense thingy, in case the
heroes get help from aliens. I would also try and
destroy EVERYTHING that opposes me. AND I would get as
much support as I could before I even began my
Well, I guess that is all. This is Gaborn saying BUH
BYE! And to quote Slipknot:
"PEOPLE EQUAL S***
PEOPLE EQUAL S***
PEOPLE EQUAL S***
PEOPLE EQUAL S***
Whatcha gonna do?"
-Slipknot Main singer-guy
Well, you seem to have covered most of the bases. Ninjas or fist-users would give some problem though..
Well, that's all we have for today. So see ya all later. And read my comic. The link is hidden somewhere in this page, can YOU find it?
. . .