RPG Classics Mailbag
Yo and j0 and all that rot, welcome to yet another edition of the RPGC Mailbag! The number of this mailbag, by the way, is 75, which is neat! Although I actually haven't done 50 mailbags myself, just having a mailbag with that number is cool. No?
Yay! Break out the party hats!
No, no... it's cool, but not partyable. You need a nice rounded number for that.
You could just display that 50th Mailbag sign and erase the 50 and put in a 75.
You're too lazy to do even that?
Yep. And if I *would* do it, people would call me lazy *anyway*, so this way they can call me lazy without having to do all that work! Best of both worlds!
You need some exercise. Get out in the fresh air, that kind of thing.
You're probably right, but right now I'd rather talk about real-life famous people who deserve to be in an RPG!
Get a life while you're at it.
Shhh! Later! d Galloway wants to go first! He didn't actually *say* that, but he does. Yes, you do. GO!
Let's see. *censored* *censored* isn't available, Bill Gates is too popular already, and I shouldn't pick any terrorist, as they aren't funny at all. WAIT, I know!! I'd parody...
*insert needless drum roll.*
LARRY KING!! HAHAHA! BET YA DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING!!!
Excuse me, I need to level up now. *draws his sword and charges into battle*
*knocks over Evil Cid in one hit* YAY! A WINNER IS ME!
Wimp. And a big mouth to boot. Next reply is from Helen!
Before I answer the question, it's time for the "Obligatory Nonsense" that comes before many mailbag entries.
Before all you Pokemon fans try to find out my email address and flame me for the Pikachu comment, I DON'T hate Pokemon. I couldn't care less about most of the Pokemon craze, but I do like the games. However, I hate Pikachu. I like Pokemon, but I hate Pikachu. Does that make sense? No? Good.
Now then. This topic here actually had me stumped for a fair amount of time. (Read : 5 Minutes.) I wasn't sure who should be parodied, and then while I was running around outdoors like a spaz, it hit me, making a nasty dent in my mind. I say that Jerry Springer should be parodied!
...what? I've got to EXPLAIN who Jerry Springer IS? No, I'm not going to. You should all know who he is. However, I WILL share an anonymous friend's comment about him. (Note that this friend was being sarcastic... or, I HOPE he was...) "Jerry Springer is such a romantic it almost makes up for his big flabby buns.". I think you can figure it from there.
...Not excatly, who Jerry Springer?
Don't even GO there.
Anyways, how should Jerry Springer be parodied? I say he should remain the host of a white-trash-y talk show, except that he should be made into a cute fuzzy critter. I personally see that as a big irony.
I know, I'm not making much sense this time. After all, making fun of real people is not a strength of mine. Besides, since when has anyone made sense on the RPGClassics Mailbag?
According to our records... February 30th, 1982.
...The mailbag hasn't been around since 1982. It hasn't been around since 1992, either.
And there IS no February 30th!
I rest my case. Hey, lookie, it's PS2Princess! *ducks*
heeeeeiiillllo, its me again! arnt you all glad to see meee!?!? ::pulls out brand new wand:: say yes or else.... any who, since im all for the movies with action, and i HATE chick flics/briney spears/makeup dooting wannabes, i should say Britney Spears should be in Final Fantasy Tactics! now dont get me wrong, i hate britney, and LOVE ff tactics, but i can imagine the glee of some 15 year old chick-flic hater (like me) watching Britney getting the snot pounded outta' her by a wicked ass Zodiac spell ^_^ then, what id do is keep re-healing her, then watching her gettin beaten by a summon/magic/sword spell till the little ^%$*&^8 cant take it anymore(oh the joy), and when shes had enough? i lay out a sweet Flare on her ass and slice her goodnight ^_^ he he he . also what the heck does the ERSB (Evil Rueing Spell Breakers?)have againest MY spell tactics hmmm!?! no tutus!?!? how could they!?!? waahhhhhh!!!!! o jeez, then ill haveta resort to "other measures" ^_^ ::pulls a big lever and EVERYONE falls down a plot hole...............including me.......:: ^$#*&^$&^%)*&^)(*!!! I meant to get that fixed!!!
Hmmm... excellent idea! Find someone you don't like, map their features onto one of them wimpy enemies (yet with lots of HP) in an RPG, and pound the horrible crap out of them! >-) I like!
I seem to recall a Barney mod for one of those old FPSes...
Yep, that was certainly cathartic. 8p Here's I Abibde to shed some intellectual light on the matter. *chokes*
I Abibde reporting again. Before I answer the question indicated by the topic for this week, I really should apologize for two serious oversights made by none other than myself in my answer to the question indicated by the topic for last week. First, I forgot that mechanical characters are considered not-quite-human characters, and I answered the question with anthropomorphic animals in mind -- my distinct apologies to such august personages as Robo (Chrono Trigger), T-260G (Sa Ga Frontier), and Wren (Phantasy Star III / Phantasy Star IV).
(Ma'amselle Lucca, if you would be so kind as to forward my apology to Robo, whom I believe is your common law husband, I would greatly appreciate it. My best wishes to your eighteen children, though I imagine that changing their oil several times a day is tiresome. I can see why your second job on the set of Xenogears was a necessity.)
...That's the second-most sickest thing I've ever heard! ...But nice of you to notice me there. Getting blown up with Lahan was a drag, though.
Second, I forgot that the Phantasy Star series and the Shining Force series, but particularly the latter, featured not-quite-human characters in leading roles. As a Maester of Sega, I am deeply ashamed of myself, and I would be inclined to commit seppuku if such an act did not involve the time-consuming creation of an animated .gif file showing the FF3J incarnation of Cid stabbing himself with a decidedly eight-bit sword.
Seeing as the FF3J Cid never moves, that'd be rather tough.
He also have a funkah hat.
Yes, yes he does. Although that has absolutely nothing to do with what we're saying. Which is pretty normal, come to think of it.
(Insert such an animated .gif file here, if one exists. If not, insert an appropriately off-color comment from a certain green-skinned gas bag, or insert a spectacular explosion, courtesy of a certain yellow-coated Fallout veteran.)
Hmmm... do we got any green-skinned gas bags?
Nope, I can't see any.
How about yellow-coated Fallout veterans?
Hmmm, nope, I'm not sure.
Right. I got no clue what yer talkin' about. Get yer facts straight, mister.
And now, the answer to the current question, which I shall keep short. I would, as would many intelligent citizens of the United States of America, very much like to see our President (for whom I did NOT vote, I might add) appear as an anthropomorphic monkey who cannot tell the truth. Said appearance would be particularly enjoyable in a game such as, say, Grand Theft Auto IV, so that the enterprising player would have the rare joy of running him over with a Trashmaster, or of setting him on fire. Then again, taking the Final Fantasy approach, I would not mind stealing vast amounts of Gil from him before summoning Anima to blink his pathetic existence away....
Pardon me, but I must be on my way. I had to keep the response short on account of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, which read what I typed above, and which is now at my front door. Hopefully, I will be able to make contributions to future mailbags from a federal prison.
Er... which President? Bush? Who can't tell the truth? O_o Are you perhaps mixing him up with our *last* President? Now that'd be nice... maybe as an NPC who can't stop groping the other NPCs. 8p
I wouldn't be in an RPG with that clown for all the money in the world.
That's true... probably nobody would. It'd be kinda boring, then, wouldn't it? An RPG with no NPCs? Sheesh. Ahem: next reply is by our self-assessed "schizophrenic polymorph", The Red Naja Monja, aka pokefreak_85, aka many other people.
First of all... I just want to say that it wouldn't help to shoot all Pikachus on sight, even if they deserve it (I don't like it... I REALLY don't like it... I REALLY REALLY don't like it... You get my point, right??) They would just faint... But... If you could kill it in a cutscene it would die...
Like Aeris... If she dies in combat, use Life... If she dies in cutscene, throw her in a lake =)...
Anyway... Back to the real subject... I couldn't think of any real, famous person who deserved to be in an RPG, so... I'll make a RPG starring *drumroll* YOU CID!!! The topic said someone famous, but anyone who reads the mailbag can't really miss you... Noone who reads this mail can say that they've never seen anything that you have done i.e. you're famous (I just love having a twisted mind... You can create so much fun things)... So I would make an RPG starring you as... ... ... A Mailbag Man!! (Obvious isn't it??) You would save the internet from the evil Spammers... And I can't tell you the end, because that would spoil the game...
Me famous, eh? Wonder where all the paparazzi are, then? And all the money? And book deals? And Oprah shows?
Well... let's call it famous to a very very narrow crowd.
Oh, now you're redefining the word... Anyway, here's some more useless drivel from Rabid Tauntaun.
That's not very nice!
Hey, I'm just quoting him! He said it! I can't help it if everyone who writes in is so self-depracating!
Aloha, ahoy, salutations, and for good measure, merry Christmas! It's ME, Rabid Tauntaun, presenting a special FRUITCAKE edition of The Rabid Tauntaun's Wonderful Mailbag Responses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's right, ladies, gentlemen, not-so-gentle men, and things. I have decided that this message should celebrate FRUITCAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last time I ate a Fruitcake it nearly broke my teeths. What about you, Cid?
You know, I don't think I ever did eat one. Not being part of that whole Christmas thing, I guess I've been spared. Yay!
How do I propose to do that? Why am I even asking you, since unless you're psychic you probably don't know? Well, it was a rhetorical question!!!!!!!!!!!!! Incidentally, I also felt like being spendthrift with exclamation points today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I shall celebrate fruitcake by giving all Cid's minions fruitcakes. But first, I have some questions I need to ask Cid.
Cid, I have a couple questions I want to ask you. You have mentioned this fourth wall thing several time recently, but I was wondering why no one ever talks about the first, second, and third walls? Also, if I march around the fourth wall seven times a blow a trumpet, will it fall down?
The first three walls keep the fourth wall where it is, of course, duh. You don't mention them like you don't mention air. And unless you have a very special trumpet, I highly doubt that'll work.
And now, that moment you've all been waiting for (yeah right)...the fruitcake presentations!!!!!!!!!
Yes, fat green failed-villian Ozzie. I am talking to you.
Here, have a fruitcake.
(tosses a fruitcake in Ozzie's general direction)
FRUITCAKE! Yummy! *runs after it* *falls down a plot hole*
Hmm. Now I think it should be.......................................Luny's turn.
(an open window appears in the air about 14 stories above Lunaris' head, and the disembodied arm of Rasputin reaches out of it and drops a fruitcake down towards Luny)
*take out an random uber-powerfull, planet leveling energy-based weapon to blast the fruitcake out in mid-air*
By the way, Luny me boy, what game art thou from?
FROM NO DARN FREAKIN' GAME, FRUITCAKE MANIAC OF (?$"/!!! AND DONT CALL ME LUNY!
Oh Lucca..............I have decided that you need a fruitcake.
(a UPS employee runs up to Lucca and gives her a fruitcake)
I never ordered this! Hey! Get back here! *throws fruitcake at receding character* *a loud THUMP! OUCH! is heard* Ooh. That's gotta hurt.
Ah. Now we get the best one. Evil Cid, get in here.
Do I get a fruitcake too? Do I do I do I?
(conjurs up a trebuchet, and uses it to launch a holy 1-ton fruitcake at Evil Cid)
*fruitcake lands on head* *ground cracks* *falls down a newly created plot hole*
That concludes the celebration of fruitcake, for which I am sure you are all thankful.
What? Why didn't Cidolfas get a fruitcake?
He doesn't deserve one!
Why doesn't he deserve one?
Well...Cid used MY demented mailbag topic, and he gave ME credit for it, so that makes him cool (at least for the moment), and fruitcakes are only for uncool people (at least today, that is...). I shall take this opportunity to offer my sincerest (not) thanks to Cidolfas, Supreme Grand High Overlord of the RPGC Mailbag, for using my WONDERFUL mailbag idea, and for giving me credit. Thank you, Cid.
Yer welcome. Just don't ever bring another fruitcake in here again.
Speaking of my wonderful mailbag topic...
I think it would be great if Al Gore were parodied in an RPG. I am not a brilliant fanfic writer, so I can't come up with any clever scenarios for him to be in, but it would be funny if he was a boss, and you beat him, and then he demanded a recount, and you had to fight him again, and beat him again, and then he asked for another recount, so you fight him again, and then he he asks for another recount, and then Mog and Pikachu and Jar Jar Binks and Flammie and King Truffle and Kefka and Ganondorf and Frog and Magus and maybe Santa Claus too rush up and save you from him (by the way, this is an excellent example of the form of bad grammar know as a run on sentence).
Are you tired of me yet? Fortunately for thee, I have finished filling the mailbag with useless drivel...this time...
Phew. -_- See? Useless drivel. He said it. Here's a reply by Deedly, long time no see!
Hi! its Deedly, my reply can be summed up in 2 words:
Ah, I like it when they chase themselves away without me having to do it for them. Saves a lot of trouble. Next is Doc Shinryuu. Take it away.
*The ceiling is blasted away by a volley of missiles. Doc Shinryuu drops in after the smoke clears* Heh heh, Matra Magic, always useful... AnyW00T, Doc's back!!! *Deafening fanfare!!!* As if you couldn't tell, Precis is no longer a main character. She decided that Audio Technician was enough. Quick! to the response-mobile! *Batman theme plays*
"Which celebrity most deserves to be parodied in an RPG?" This one's actually tough, Cidster! So tough, in fact, that there's an over-100-way tie! I think that EVERY member of EVERY Boy Band, past, present, and future, should be parodied repetedly (though maybe that's biased).
No sirree... you see, every single member of every single boy band is actually a clone taken from the mold of a single person genetically engineered to sing very badly, have a very bad hairdo, and make tons of money based on his smile. So since it's all the same person, you'd only get one parody!
And now, for an Anti-Flashy Exit. I am going to stand here until, a) Someone kicks me out, or b) Something happens. *Five minutes pass* ... ... ... ... ... ... *A Plot Hole opens beneath Doc, he falls in, 'nuff said*
Nuff indeed. Here we have someone who called himself, I believe... Mr. Plus Sign. You guys should really sign your e-mails, ya know.
+: Since I'm sure you'll get a fair amount of people calling for recent pop-culture beings to be cast as expendabilities, so there's no need to deal with that. I highly doubt anyone reading this would be familiar with the previous black hole of the internet known as FF3.com (the absolute foulest remain together at http://www.oddwebsite.com), leaving my concept of celebrity out of the question. That leaves me only with the choice of sci-fi authors.
+: And since I should probably be offended by someone assuming an instability on my part, I might as well finish up with The Template: (vulgarity) you, you ((vulgarity) expletive phrase) calling me (vulgarity) (assumed abnormality) some (foreign curse which makes no sense in its relative placement). I'm not much in the way of spirit when it comes to revenge, really.
...What the heck was that all about?
But... since you guys are all alteregos of me anyway... you wouldn't know what I don't know, would you?
I sure know more than you!
Uh HUH. I'm not even going to deign to ask you some pathetically easy question which you'll get wrong because I tell you to get it wrong, forcing you to go away and sulk. So you can just do that right now and get it over with.
...That's just MEAN! *goes off and sulks*
Well, on with the *huge crashing sound* What the heck was THAT all about?
Fourth wall breaking down.
Dammit, I really have to stop doing that. Hey, what're YOU hiding?
Me? Nuthin', nuthin'... scuse me, gotta go... *runs away*
Looked like a trumpet to me.
But I... *looks pensive* Nah. Ahem. Archone is up next... hey, he agrees with me! Yay! *gives Archone a fake gold star*
Bill Clinton. He should be a talking weasel, smoking a cigar, constantly trying to sweet talk the female PCs(and failing miserably), while repeatedly insisting, "I did not have sex with that sheep."
Well... he goes a bit further than me, anyway. Here's MegamanX2K, with a nice short answer.
Two people come to mind:
1. Sean Connery. If you've watcned SNL Celebrity Jeopardy you know what I mean. And him in an RPG would be hilarious.
Perhapsh you'd like to come HERE and shay that, monshter boy!?
That was very very bad.
2. That woman from Boston Public who keeps telling everyone to "smell dat shoe!". If you know who I mean, great. If you don't, shut up.
*shuts up* *shuts down again* Wait, that makes no sense. Great! Hah! Hey, it's another Megaman... number 984! With a mailbag response! What's the odds?
Psst... Energon, play the music...
Energon: What? All right... *Puts needle on record and BSB's song about Back Street being back plays much to the horror of the Mailbag readers*
ENERGON! Wrong one!
Energon: Fine... What should I have played?
I dunno... Play the SoA opening theme...
*Energon plays the SoA opening theme*
Fine, that's better. Now, for those of you wondering what is going on, I, Megaman984, The Pit Master, The Mailbag Replying King, The Most Modest Robot of Them All, am finally returning to the replying arena. After a bit of a break, I felt like retiring from replying, but Cid persuaded me not to. Thanks Ciddy.
*I* did? O_o No, no, I was joking! It was a joke!
Quit while you're ahead.
Hmmm... What famous person, eh? Well, I would say JR, but a meanie of a Mailbag Host won't let me... So, I'll have to settle for Ranet Jeno. ... What? You mean that doesn't count? Aww...
Hmm... So no JR, so who should I pick... I know! I pick the Reverend Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton! Since they always pop up when some crime of great misjustitude is perpetrated, they'd make a good Gilgamesh and lackey like villain.
How would they work? Well, whenever you kill too many enemies that are black or some such color in their sprite/3d model, Jessemesh and Altros would show up to fight you. They'd attack you with rhymes and disenfranchisements and illegitimate babies and whatnot. Too bad they'd also be easy to beat.
Well, that's it for today. If it wasn't up to par, my only excuse is "I haven't written any in about 2-3 months." Anyway, Cid, now that I've hosted 2 Mailbags, I have the third most number of Mailbags under my belt. You're first with Rast knows how many. Macc is 2nd with 23 and a half. I'm third with 2. Now all I have to say is...
*Energon starts playing Piano like Phil Hartman in Newsradio*
I'm back, I'm back, I'm back where I belong! *Jumps on piano and promptly falls off*
Well, that was refreshing, no?
Yessir. Only 24 mailbags to go for him till he gets to number 2. Go 984!
That's... sobering. Next up is Igno:
Tis me, Igno, again. And again, for my 2/100 of a buck once more.
What famous person deserves to be parodied in an RPG? I'd have to say Bill Gates. I can see him as the main boss in a futuristic epic. Just when all seems lost. . .his biosuit's os(Windows ME) crashes. Defense goes down. As Frog would say, "Layeth the smack down." That's my 2/100ths of a buck. Wait. . .I just gave you 4/100ths of a dollar. . .jus' keep it.
Yay! All I need is about ten thousand of these and I can get a PS2! Yay!
Our next correspondent is Rayman201. Go ahead while I count my pennies. 6, 7, 8...
Famous person as a parody, I would have to say Amanda Bynes. I don't know what the name of the character would be but it would be a character in an RPG that would sound exactly like Amanda and look exactly like her and god forbid, behave just like her. Amanda is in a sketch show called "The Amanda Show" where she plays as different characters and does silly and dumb things. Well, in one part of the game, the main character would have to survive all 1,049 of the Amanda look alike's split personalities and all of her childish antics while trying to make it to the top of the tower in one piece. Everything from dumb prank phone calls to hitting the main character over the head with random objects while dressed as a hillbilly (don't ask, for the love of God, don't ask) to using kung fu or whatever while dressed as a cheerleader etc.
(Amanda, if you're reading this, I'm just joking, please don't get offended or take this personally)
Nobody famous reads this mailbag. I mean NOBODY. Unless you count Macc.
Macc isn't any more famous than you.
Well... no, but he's more well liked. This is by one of them newbies who don't deign to sign their letters or to write more than one sentence. Don't you love those guys?
I think chris rock should be in an rpg as a mage or somthing because how often do u have a black guy in an RPG and a very funny one too.
...And it's stupid too, go figure. *ducks lawsuit* This one's by R.Dragoon. I forget what the R. stands for though. Rutabaga? Rollerblade?
I don't think so.
Ah well. I'm sure it's not important. *ducks again*
R.Dragoon:Hey! I don't waste your time!(you hurt my feelings...)
He did it AGAIN! Tell him to stop doing it!
No destroying my mailbag people! Sheesh! Some people never learn. Our last reply today comes from a *real* newbie!!!!!!!!! Say hi to Dan, aka Faustus Ghoul. Probably Gothic.
I think that Oystein Aarseth (better known as Euronymous (R.I.P. 1993), former guitarist of the band Mayhem) would make a fine villain in an RPG. This guy was pure evil. He was like a mix of Adolf Hitler and Charles Manson, but on guitar! He was also the man who got the whole Black Metal movement going in Norway where he also had a music store called "Hell." He ended up getting stabbed to death by former bandmate/best friend Vark Vikernes (AKA Count Grishnackh of the one man band Burzum). Well, that's my two cents.
Hey, that makes ten! Ten cents! Man, what a day! Ahem. For next week, we pick yet another topic by Amaranthinus. Hey, he gets the good ones. Take it away, dude:
IT'S A BATTLE: MAGIC versus SCIENCE! The OLDE WORLD versus the FUTURISTIC!
I dunno, but I loved playing a Mage in that Future vs Fantasy MOD in Quake 1...
Shhh! Let him talk!
Which will win?
( - *UNLESS* YOU opt for secret option C: a HYBRID of YE OLD WORLD *and* TECHNOLOGY!!)
WHICH will emerge triumphant? Will either SURVIVE at
all? Is anyone going to be really annoying and say
that they both work well at doing different things?
WHAT are these different things? And WHICH do YOU
prefer? If YOU want a hybrid to WHAT EXTENT would YOU
make your world OLDE and to WHAT EXTENT would it be
Got a little overheated there, but you heard the man!
Random sentence of the day: I HATE MY SCHOOL'S SCHEDULE!