RPG Classics Mailbag
Yeah! Mailbag number three! w00t! Go me! I am the man!
If by man you mean mad man...
Quiet you! I smasha yo' face!
... Whatever. I'm going to be in my trailer.
You mean the dumpster you lived in that time I made you be a bum?
*Sigh* I really hate you two...
Methinks we made him mad.
Will you shut up?! That's all I hear out of you! Obviously this and obviously that! Is that the only word you can say now?!
Grah! *Goes into a mad fit and runs out of the room*
Sorry. Couldn't resist.
That's okay. I would've done that myself if you hadn't. Well, I guess we should get this Mailbag started though... As you all know, this week's topic was about RPG Parodies in honor of that super important holiday, April 1st. Well, let's get on to our first reply with...
Just hold on there!
Yeah! Kagon smash hastey Staffers!
Hastey, who's being hastey? I'm not being hastey. Am I being hastey, Captain Obvious?
Maybe. Depends on what the definition of hastey is, obviously.
Guh, you forgot all about US!
I second that !
I would what ?????
By you would, I mean of course you would second that, Mister Secondy McSecondster.
Yeah ! I second Kag that you forgot bout us !!
Fine. You two want to help me host the Mailbag to make up for me forgetting about you two?
But of course.
Good. But if you mess up...
You'll do what?
Hey, I only mess up once, not 56567 times.
Ahem... As I was saying...
I, Garland, will knock you all down!
Well well, if it isin't Mr. Obvious and and Paper Man !
My name obviously ain't Mr. Obvious...
*Pops back in* Don't make me slash you, you reject from a, um, reject store!
Hey, can't be worse than me ... I've got a lizard for underwear *sobs*
Yeah, you might want to fix that kid...
Kid ?! You calling me KID ?! I'm an adult, darnit !
... Great... Now we ALL have sidekicks... This is gonna be one cluttered Mailbag...
Hey, look at the bright side, my evil alter-ego ain't around to mess things up....
DG, you do know by saying that he'll come just to annoy you.
No .... no..... NOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!! I'm losing balance again... EEEkkkk !!! *CRACK* *Crashes once more into a wall*
*blinks* What's her problem?
That's gotta hurt ! Yeaouch !
Ummmmm, excuse me, Mr. Megaman984, there is a big mailbag, want me to get a letter for you, hmm ?
Get a letter for me? Sure. It's about time we got this show on the road.
*Picks a letter at random and hands it to MM984*
Okay. First one is from... Mister K... Let's have a look. Shall we? And don't you dare say no, Energon...
*Points finger upwards as if about to say something then closes it shut angrily*
Well hi Mister DG,Mister Kagon and Mister MM984 nice to meet you,I've been watching the mailbag for a while now and its pretty cool congratulations to you,Mister Cid and ofcourse Mister Macc & Mister Dark Macc. Now unto our topic :
Well, thank you Mister K, we really appreaciate your reply, don't we ?
No, we don't. I should be in bed right now!
984, does he always complain like this?
He's usually a bit more annoying... You can hurt him if you want though.
Ohhh.... *grins evilly*
I can hurt him ? Oh goodies !
No you don't. Stay away from defenceless beings.
You're no fun !
Defenseless?! I'm the Lord of the Paper Cuts!
Suuure you are. And you're going to hurt me... with a paper cut?
Yes. Like so. *Slashes Mudo repeatedly with many pieces of paper*
Ow ow ow ow!
See Mudo, this is what you get for your mindless taunting.
A Paper cut ? Mwahahahaha !!!!! Oh, that's good, that's classic ! Hahaha !!!
Evil DG ! Aren't you supposed to stay at The Floating Island ?
Heh, you're not there recently, so I took the liberty to add a bit of "spice" to your Mailbag...
Fair enough ! Just don't ruin anything !
Oh great... Yet ANOTHER sidekick... You better not have another one yourself, Kagon...
*Points to Mudo*
984, he's not a side-kick, he's my evil alter-ego, big diff.
Kagon, good. You can keep your one. DG, whatever. Now, on with the reply!
I would change the ending of FF5 quite abit....instead of having Ex-Death saying something like ''Mwuhahahaha its the end for you, prepare yourself!!'' I would have him saying something like this instead : ''Hey guys don'tcha think I did enough troubles like this ?'' and thenButz,Faris and the others would say ''Yeah, heck you even absorbed many of our towns into this X-Zone thing with your Cleft of Dimensions warps,and its now that you're apologizing!?!'' ''Oh that ? Sure I'll return them.'' *Cancels the big black orbs that swallowed the towns* ''There happy?'' ''Humm not bad but what about the peoples you killed ?'' ''Like my grand-dad !'' would say Kara (Or Krile in FF Chronicles). *Brings back Galuf to life* ''There !' ,Happy now?'' ''Hum well how about all those soldiers you killed while we were in Galuf world and all these persons you killed that were innocents ?'' *Cast a spell* ''Now I think we're settled are we ?'' ''Well you may have canceled your evils past schemes but..you still commited all those crimes ! So you must pay !'' ''Oh ok then how 'bout a 30 year jailsentence ?'' Then all the 5 heroes would re-group and whispers to themselves : ''Fair enough guys?'' ''Sure.'' Then they would all go out of the dimension and Ex-Death would take his promise as he said he would.Later they had a party that night....*30 years later*....*In a bar near Galuf Castle* Krile''Well it seems we got along petty well finally,i got my grand-dad back,and everyone who was killed is back and the towns are safe I wonder how can we ever thank him ? '' Butz '' Oh I know somebody who is happily taking take of our 'Ex' friend hehehe'' *Meanwhile in the basement of Galuf-Castle* ''Come on work or you'll get smacked down three more times tonight and you won't get dinner!'' ''Oh please Master-Gilgamesh no more ! I promise to shine every little stone that I once tainted there with my unholy presense!'' ''Thatsit shine more and more!,and if you ever try to run I'll catch ya 'cause I'm the fastest runer in all of the FF5 world!'' ''But Master...it been 30 years now I'm suppose to be free....'' ''Oh yeah ? Did you looked at this before ?'' Then Gil shows a certain piece of paper with EX-Deat hSignature at the bottom of it....''WTF ? I never ever signed that !'' ''Oh you did !'' ''Is that so ?'' ''Yeah when had you drink at the party 30 years ago we made you sign this little contract....now you mush polish every little stone and room of this castle for another 5000 years ! '' ''Oh crap...hey what happened to my magic powers ?'' ''We had them removed from you,how ? Simple in this contract you your saying that your giving all your magic powers to me and that none shall remain to you,now I'm the one who gives orders, come on polish !'' *whips smack is heard in far distance from all the world*. Well thats it hope you enjoyed it as much as me !
Heh, Exdeath being nice, that'll be the day.
Hmmm... That reply was... very confusing...
KAGON SMASH! Er... sorry, I got carried away again.
Sure you did...
Well, at least I didn't mention cakes...
Exdeath, you dissapoint me..
Shut up !
So, any more replies, or is this going to be a one reply pony?
We still have more over there you know. Mudo, you can get the next one. Uh, Mudo... why don't you head over there and open that one. *points far away*
What? Fine. This one is from hahaha and is about Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Apparently it's the REAL story... *Opens reply*
Umm..... Mudo, that's a......
*Gets blown high sky*
..... Virus Mail....
Eh... well, he never was the brightest one around.
For shame.... Oh wait ..... he's coming down...
You mean, falling down, right ?
I hope he doesn't land on Energon...
*Falls on Energon*
Crushed Paper Cut Lord...... anyone ????
You're a sick, mean, twisted monster !!!
Thank you :)
This is dragging on, and we've only one reply done. Any more?
Let us continue....
Ok let's see here... We'll take this one from Xelopheris.
j0 yourself, Xelo.
Haha! I was obviously j0-ed!
So... Much... Pain...
A nice old parody into an RPG. Let me think.
What if Zidane was gay. In the scene where he grabs Dagger's ass, he'd probably grab Vivi's ass
Then what about the scene where Zidane and Vivi are up late in Madain Sari.
Yep, it would make the game MUCH more interesting.
I must say, that reply was uhh..... oddly funny ^^;
Your face is oddly funny!
OHH... oh come on now.
Stop it, boys ! No reason to fight !
She has a point...... go on, guys.
Alright. Fine. No fighting. Unless by fighting I mean hurting Energon.
Fine by me ;P
That's a rather one-sided battle 984.
When will the hurting stop?
Energon, the beatings will continue until morale improves.
Ok, this next reply is from.... Yaradovich Kramer.... let's see his version of humor.
Bebbies ???? What's supposed to mean ???
So, the Mailbag question is, "What would be a great parody of any RPG?" Now, this is obviously right up ... D'OH! I said the O-word!
Ha ha! He said obviously! Ha ha! To the Obviousmobile! *Jumps into the Obviousmobile then runs over one of the many sidekicks*
Anyway, this is DEFINITELY right up my alley. A great parody of an RPG would be a spoof on Final Fantasy VI with ULTROS as the main character! Uwee hee hee hee~!
Sorry. Er, it would star Ultros, Kefka, Chupon, and Seigfried as they tried to take over the Empire! And the Final Boss would be this HUGE MONSTER ROBOT DEMON THINGUMMY ... And when they defeated it, they'd take off its helmet, revealling ... Old Man Strago!
Strago: "Curses! And I'd've got away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you meddlesome KIDS, and that octopus, and that ... " [eyes Chupon] "... whatever the hell THAT is!"
Anyway, that's what I think they should make, and if you agree, you obviously need -- D'OH! I said it again!
Er, if you agree that they should make that, then you definitely need some help.
Ok, it can't get more insane, can it ?
Never say it can't...
It could if it involved time travel. And dingoes.
Dingoes. As in the bebby eaters.
I call dibs on the next reply. Can I pick one?
You want to host one, eh Evil DG?
Why not ?
Well, then we'd have to let all of our sidekicks host one...
Lemme chose from the 'ol bag..... THis one is from Lavos.... hmmm..... heh heh
This is the Chaos Lord, aka Lavos, wanting to know why I haven't been in the mailbag for 2 weeks in a row...ANSWER ME NOW!!!
*Ahem* Sorry Lavos, but last week, my mail server got hungry and I lost your response, so chill out a bit ! >_<
Yeah, and bossing the host around ain't a good idea...
Bad stuff tends to happen. Very bad stuff.
Like a cross between Janet Reno and Linda Tripp being sent to your house.
for the topic: I would have picked final fantasy, but SpoonyBard already did that...so instead, am going to do one on Dragon Warrior. Call it lizard warrior. you are a lizard. A LIZARD, YOU HEAR ME?! The idea is to run from the really big monsters before you get stepped on, so you can survive long enough to defeat the giant...something...to save all lizards from destruction, but when you get there, it's already been destroyed...but then the dark lizard comes out and you fight and (hopefully...) beat him. ...What do mean it's a dumb Idea?! HEATHENS! ALL OF YOU!
It happens to the best..... What ?
Lizard Warrior ??? Ok, now I'm really really scared O_o
Given him the sticker !!
No sticker necessary...
Ummm...... are we continuing, boys ?
Yes. We are.
Whoopie ! Get Captain Obvious to get one, heh heh heh.
Energon, commence with the hosting!
Do it... *Shakes fist*
And if I don't?
Then I smasha' yo' face!
Who's up for some fried Energon ?
... Whatever. This one is from... Darkani.
A hilarious parody would be a FFV parody, and to make it hilarious the whole way through, it would star you, Energon, Captain Obvious, and Garland. You guys are a hoot whenever you host a mailbag, so you'd all be hilarious saving the world!
May God help us all.
Ha ha! I get to save the world!
I, Garland, get to knock the bad guys down? Interesting...
I will NOT work with those two...
You'll work with them, and you'll like it.
Heh heh heh
Awwww, it's cute ^.~
Who's getting the next reply ?
Howzabout that lizard wearing guy?
Sure. You're up, loincloth boy.
No, the dumb cave boy who's not here now.
Don't insult Pogo, I love him so :)
Ok..... no paper cuts this time...
Still bleeding from those...
Hyah! *Pops up behind Zaki, slashes him, then disappears like a ninja*
Umm, this is from.... *Ouch!*... DragonFyre5....
After playing the game all the way through and getting the ending, which was beautiful but sad, I figured this couldn't be it...How can it? After all that our hero has gone through, his reward is one final day of hapiness and then oblivion? I have a sneaky suspicion that this is a 'bad' ending and that there is a better one if you keep playing.
Talk to columbus but don't go down to the portal, go back to America and head north to the town of nirlake and you'll see that it's burnt down. Talk to the first townsman and he'll explain there was a great fire and he'll give you 9 letters. I delivered them all to the appropriate people.
Here's what I think should happen next, if you go to australia and talk to the scientist on the hill, he'll tell you he saw a bright light fall down in south america. This of course is reffering to the ship that you helped blow up.
Going to South America and talking to the gypsies, you find out a rather conceited guy was talking about avenging his friend....
So here's the question...
Where did he go? I suspect finding him will lead to the 'good' ending.
...... I don't get it...... nope......
This isn't so much of a parody as it is a theory... Like my HM64 Recipe theory...
HM64 Recipe theory?
Well, basically, not all Recipe spaces are used up in HM64. My theory is that you get the other recipes from people like the Fat Gourmet Chef or the Bug Catcher. I'd go more in depth, but meh.
Let's see here, who's up next...
Don't even TRY giving me another one!
Meh, fine fine... our next reply is from Igatona the Wacky Iga Ninja.
Here's your bag, compliments of Igatona.
*gives 984 a Bag, filled with loads of shades*
w00t! More free shades! Bully for me!
Do you really need any more?
Kagon, do monkeys throw poop at evil little gnomes?
Well the gnomes started it...
Oh suuuuuuuure... Blame the gnomes! Gnomeaphobe...
Such horrible accusations
Gnomes, poor things
But seriously, my mailbag answer shall be...Xenogears.
Fei : Make him look like a superhero, while keeping his personality, contrast!
Elly : One word, Dominatrix
Bart : Like in a series of fanfiction I read, make him a girl, that way, his comments'll be even better.
Citan : Turn him into a high school brawler, that has loads of hair and has a scar on his face, just to make him even more cliché than he already is.
Rico : Make him a spineless wimp, that way, you'll have a wrestling dude that's actually doing a wrestling gimmick.
Billy : Make him more like his father, that means, a cowboy.
Emeralda : Make her extremely perverted
Maria : See American McGee's Alice
Chu-Chu : See Conker's Bad Fur Day
All of these would make ingredients to screw up the screwingest plot ever in the history of gaming, after Nekketsu Kakoutou Densetsu, of course.
Hey guys, I think I'll take a breather for a few minutes, alright ?
Breather? Okay. I get next reply! Let's see... It's from... d Galloway.
Well, if it isn't...uh...sorry, got confused for a second there.
That's okay, d. Most people weren't sure who was going to be in this Mailbag and who wasn't. :P
Yeah, DG didn't make it too clear =P.
He must've been drinking his Kahulas at the time...
Probably, knowing him...
Hmmmmm.. Kahluas :D
Pretty short breather, eh?
He probably just went to get more of 'em.
Anyway, first step: the game, The answer: Quest for Glory 4. The character: Igor. The scene: imagine Igor, the hapless stone cutter. Now imagine him falling down into an empty grave. Now, magnify that incident. How about this scenario: Dr. Cranium sent Igor to fetch some dead bodies from the graveyard. While going, Igor has WAY too much garlic. (Garlic is a hundred times deadlier than crack, in my opinion). Anyway, after the gralic incident, he walks to the grave and, completely full from the garlic, lets out a gigantic fart. The force pushes him into the grave and sends a gravestone falling over the entrance. Now, the truth is, it wasn't garlic. The townspeople were really harvesting high-gas drugs in their fields. The Burgomeister was too busy growling at strangers to notice, so Igor was nearly killed.
The morale: don't eat garlic.
You..... Kagggyyyy,, did.... did ya know how I like you man,, you're like..... so coll n stufff *burp*
I meant cool :P
I think you've had enough there pal...
I'll tell you when I'd had enbogh !!! *Brr* I,m feeling light-headed
Eh, Beru, might want to help take DG away. He's a bit... out of it.
I think the real moral of the story is to keep DG away from alcohol...
And..... youuuuuuuuu.... 983,, 985, uh.... *burp* 984.... you're ..... you...... a swell fella too.... he he he he
Yes, a very good moral. Now let's forget this ever happened...
*Falls asleep on the floor*
Awww... DG's asleep... ... Let's put shaving cream on his hand then tickle his nose!
The final reply is from someone known as.... Rayman201
I would make a parody of Secret of Mana. Instead of searching for 8 Mana seeds, I would make it so that the quest consists soully of searching for the Marijuana Mana Seed so you can plant it and grow a humongous marijuana tree and make lots of money from it and of course, smoke some of it yourself.
Ok..... smoking marijuana... that's just sick, not funny O_o
Give him the sticker, he deserves it !!
Hmmm... Quite, again, SG.
Oh well.... now we are closing with two replies from the previous mailbag that were sent a tad too late, Kagon, would you do the honor ?
Surely. Our first musical mailbag response comes from Igatona.
Hello everyone out there in mailbagland! This is Igatona speaking.
Hi Iga :)
My personal favorite composer is Yoko Shimomura, and what I like best is her
ability to compose music that sticks to the game in such a way that it evokes memories from the game that makes us laugh, cry or go "HELLS YEAH! THAT BOSS WAS TOAST FROM THE BEGINNING!". What made me reach this decision? Simply put, her works in Live-A-Live, part of the Front Mission 1 soundtrack, a good chunk of the Super Mario RPG soundtrack and Parasite EVE.
What I dislike about her is the fact that she's usually chosen to do the lesser-known projects, and such they have GREAT music but either don't come in America or get poor reviews, so she also gets the axe on bigger projects.
But also the fact that she hasn't explored harder styles of music. I admit that a few tracks she made were pretty hard, but she usually stopped at "Techno" hard. What I would suggest for her to make better music? Absolutely
nothing, otherwise she'd lose a part of her creativity that makes her music so great.
Hope I didn't bore you guys.
Woo !! Another Shimomura fan, I'm sure she'll be happy !
Hey hey! Last one by IN.DO.GU.TSU!
Remember me, IN.DO.GU.TSU? My first letter to the mailbag was an insanely long "Live-A-Live" fanfic, but I received a cold reception because when I wrote it, nobody knew anything about that game! Well now I'm back again, to offer some insight into what I consider to be one of my ways of life: music.
Video game music has come a long way in a couple of decades. The bleeps and bloops of yesteryear have been replaced with symphony orchestras and Top 40 pop blockbusters. The standards for new horizons in video game music have often been set in role-playing games. When it comes to the composers, a few names instantly come to mind. Uematsu. Kondo. Mitsuda. Sugiyama. Sakuraba. Ito. Kikuta. Nakano. Hamauzu. Iwadare. Shimomura. But there are a great many unsung heroes and heroines in the field, and it's about damn time they got some well-deserved recognition!
Hmm....... I'm afraid I can't comment since I never heard of this person...
So that's who wrote the catchy music to Paladin's Quest , very nice indeed
Sorry, never heard of this person either
Yipes, these are mostly obscure composers so far :(
Ahh, Kirby, nice happy, bouncy music ^.~
I've heard his music, but he only wrote 1 score, so I didn't include him
Miyoko Kobayashi and Masanori Hikichi
Yes indeed, Terranigma was blessed *Ahem* ATTN : MMX2K
LOL, good pun , and yes, Sakimoto, Iwata & Pee roxorz 8D Wouldn't you agree, Kagon ?
Lol nice =D
Well... that's that....
Next week, it shall be the SaGa Team who will host the Mailbag...
Well, we're done, finally... Want to introduce the next topic over a piece of double chocolate fudge cake, SG?
OK, 1, 2, 3 !
Umm... Wait. That didn't come out right. Let's try again.
Oh God no...
Better, much better :P
Hmmm... That's nice. Topic please?
*Digs through his pockets looking for the napkin he wrote the topic on.*
I bet he lost it...
Oh here it is. Ok people...Here's what you're writing for next week:
What's the worst, ridiculous, most accident-prone mailbag topic you can possibly think of that people would respond to? Give examples of what would happen.
Replies go to Kagon.
The SaGa Team hosts, woo.
Alright. That's it. Mailbag's closed. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Good night everybody!
But I've got no place else to go!
Aw. There's always the streets SG.
Want the endline then, SG?