RPG Classics Mailbag #5

Heh heh... did you really think I'd be on time this week? How delightfully naïve! Well, I know what you came here for, so I won't delay any longer. As you probably already knew, this week's question was: "If you could visit any RPG world for one day, which would you go to and what would you do there?" I know your next question... how many responses this time? Well, these corny questions seem to be more popular by far. I've decide to post eight responses, and I've also decided to make that the absolute maximum. REALLY. This is also the first time that I have to disappoint over 50% of the people who wrote in, since I had a whopping 18 responses, a record breaker. So... sorry Zero, gonna have to do one without you this time. I'll give some new people a chance to make their opinion widely known. Like SpoonyBard for instance. This is the very first time he's sent in anything to the mailbag, so let's all witness his debut.

"Which RPG world would I visit? Hmmm, thats a tough one, but I'd have to say FF7's. I don't like the game too much, but you gotta admit, it would be damn cool to visit. First I would visit the Gold Saucer and go to the races and that spiffy roller coaster ride, and if I run out of GP? I get more, I can hex edit, LOL!!"

No no NO! You were starting out on the right track, but you had to bring up something like Hex Editing, didn't you? And how, pray tell, would you do that if you were living in FF7's world? There's no such thing as "a game of FF7" then! But do continue...

"Then I would go to Midgar for the sole purpose of standing in front of the Shinra Building and shouting "You Damn Shinra!!!" while pretending that all the while it's the Microsoft building (ahh that would be satisfying)."

Well, go right on over to Microsoft's corporate HQ and vent that anger! You are encouraged by all of us to do so. We'd also be very interested to hear the results, and to finally learn what Hojo's doing there.

"And finally I would go to Rocket Town to engage in causal conversation with Cid, boy, I'd bet I'd never say the word ampersand and pound sign more in my life :D
Spoony: Hey Cid, why the @#$% is that Damn Shinra building still in Midgar? That @#$@#$ thing should be @#$@#$ing torn down by now.
Cid: I know, I told Barret to get off his @#$@#$ ass and @#$@# do something about the @#$@#$ @#$@#$ @#$@#$ @#$@#$!!!!!!!
Then I would steal the Highwind and drop Cid off at South Park where he would feel right at home, LOL."

Actually I don't think you'd make it to South Park. Cid'd go "%$$&%$#$&%%!" and kick your ass for trying to steal the Highwind. He's pretty sensitive about that. Also, good luck finding South Park in the world of FF7(remember?;). I know I asked for nonsense, but this is... well, it's nonsense, but still it's entirely different! ...ah, I'm not making any sense. Good thing I'm not supposed to. Hello, what's this? A letter from Wertigon.

"Hmmm... I guess the answer to that question must be Terranigma. What I would do there? Well, first off, I'd try and find all of the magirocks, (I know there are 100 of 'em, I just don't know where) play cream-a-cat, punch Meilin (the most annoying character ever to be in a RPG ever), get a tan in the sun to raise my machoappeal, talk with the developers of the game, buy myself an apartment in Loire (where I can take home those pretty girls in France... Hehe...;)) and finally visit the three girls in freedom with some fancy dresses. (they give you kisses for that...;)) Oh yeah, I would challenge the Noodleking, too, not to mention the Mick Burgers restaurant... Yummy! Maybe introduce drugs to the kids in kidsgart to, while I'm at it... Nah, better not. Don't wanna get caught... ;) I'd probably set a timebomb under Perel's skateboard, too. Never liked that skateboard punk... *Sigh* Too bad it can't be done..."

Well, this is no surprise, coming from a guy who hangs out at a Terranigma board. Looks like you've got just about everything covered, but would you manage to do all that in a day? You'd be on a tight schedule... The solution? I'd say forget about those dumb Magirocks and set up some entertaining Deathmatches. Meilin vs. Perel would be a good one: No matter what the outcome, people would be happy. And then you can kick the crap out of the winner yourself. How's that sound? Well, this next one is sent by someone who's simply listed as "Chris" in his e-mail header...

"If I could enter any RPG world, I'd go to the world of Final Fantasy 7, go to any item store, and get my hands on some good Materia cheap! Ever notice how any Joe-Schmo could go to a store, buy some Fire materia, and go on an arson spree? Maybe they magic-proof houses there... oh well. MONSTERS aren't magic proof(at least most aren't)! I just wanna get my aggressions out. Violence is therapeutic stuff! You GOTTA give me that!"

You're overlooking two vital points: 1) It may be cheap, but you're still gonna need to get some Gil somewhere, and 2) You'd need a weapon or armor with Materia slots in it for them to do something. So here's a few pointers for you: First, beat up the old fart at Rocket Town and pick up the Yoshiyuki and the Venus Gospel from him. Then, head to the Gold Saucer and offer to sell them to Dio (he's always interested in unique stuff). With all the money you've gotten, buy the best weapon and materia you can find. Then go find a REAL therapist to learn to control those violent tendencies of yours. Now, look at this one by Trem`kl, who even said "I don't care what you say, you're posting this!" Anyone who's that adamant about getting in the mailbag deserves it. Oh, and guys, before you all start adding messages like that: This trick will only work once, of course. Originality counts.

"Well, let's see... Any RPG world, huh? Well that's an easy one! I'd go to Super Mario RPG and blow Mario's house into a pile of smoldering ashes. That would destroy Mario and his two lovers, Luigi and the Princess, and that blasted mushroom in the corner who has a horrible habit of watching."

I don't even want to know how you found that out. I'm just glad you kept Bowser out of this one.

"Oh, it would destroy that blasted green bed, too! Do you realize how long I was looking for the ghost hiding under the
green bed!? I mean who really goes back to the first screen of the entire game?"

Me. And there's nothing wrong with that. Just used my keen RPG instincts, I did. And it wasn't a ghost, it was a ghost Flag. Now bow down before my superior knowledge. Or don't, what do I care. In any case, there's more to this message, but I'm cutting it off. Just to make a point: Trying to force your way in only gets you halfway. Now here we have one by Carpe Diem...

"I would go into the world of Chrono Trigger. I would head to the future and grab me a really strong robot, reprogram it so it's on my side. It would be around the height of a human, would look like a human(except for gray
colored skin), and would have a purple cloak around it. You know where I'm headed? OK, I forgot to tell you that this robot has magic stealing powers(it's the future, they can do anyhing). OK, I grab Magus(I won't kill him) when he becomes the oracle, steal his magic, then transplant my brain into the robot(future again) and become the oracle. Then I would kill Zeal, and the other guy. Then I would gain control of Lavos and eventually drain his powers(future) and become a god because my outer body cannot die. Plus I would look really cool cause I would like Magus when he was the oracle."

Um, right... okay. And then when the day is over(you only had one day, remember?), you would return to the real world, where there would be no future technology to repair your new body, ultimately causing you to be good for little else than a crash test dummy. It's Defiler's turn now.

"Well, to answer your question I would probably go into the Zelda 64 world and steal adult Link's hat cause I always thought Link's elf-like hat kicked ass. Then I would go back into the real world and wear it casually to show that I'm a fan of the series, since Nintendo wasn't smart enough to produce one of those green hats just like Link's. And how is Link gonna get his hat back you ask? Well, if the Swordless Link glitch gives you your master sword back after you travel through time and back to adult, then he would get his hat back while doing that too, don't you think? And to top it off, how did his hat AND the rest of his clothing become updated into adult wear when he went through time? Not like there's a shop in the Chamber of the Sages. That's logical. Okay then, thank you for your time :P"

Don't mention it. Now what's this with taking people's hats? Last time we had a corny question someone would invite over a Black Mage just for his hat as well. And here it is again: "So Link... I can't tell you how great it is to finally see a true videogame legend in the flesh. Yoink!" *quickly grabs hat and runs for it* But I must agree with you, it's not very logical his clothes would grow together with Link. You might even say that's kind of a stretch. Get it? Stretch? Never mind... next letter. From... no name listed but from the text it's obvious she's known as StarSoldier.

"If I could get into any RPG world, it would have to be FF6(This seems to be a popular topic). I would arrive shortly after the end of the game. As an immortal being of magic created since the beginning of time, I would restore magic and the Espers to the world. To create a FF6: Part 2(But I really don't see them doing this; the numbers will confuse everyone), my alter ego will arrive. Selenite is elven-like and uses dark magic, while StarSoldier(me!) uses light magic. Selenite will start to attack the citizens of the world, and as the Guardian of Forever, I put up a magic barrier(Wall, I guess) but forget about my attack, so I am blown away in a flash of light and no one knows where I am. Locke and Celes witness the event, now married and living happily in South Figaro, and go to the Figaro Brothers(Sabin and Edgar, if you don't know) and try to find the others, since they didn't keep in touch after the battle with Kefka. Selenite has created a fortress in the middle of a ring of five planets, including our heroes' planet and is summoning the greatest monsters to destroy the universe. From our world, she summons Kefka, but you won't see him until the end when you attack the fortress(He'll be dramatic, like Gilgamesh in FF5). On the other worlds, she'll summon a demon, a wolflike creature, a vampire, and a dragon similar to Atma Weapon. After cleaning up the trouble on their planet(Kefka makes a grand appearance and you kick his sorry @$$), they come across me. Badly injured, they help me and I help the team by letting the airship travel to other planets. They take care of the head monster in each planet after solving the chaos in the planet. Across the way we will meet a couple friends from my past when I visited those planets and they will help us with dealing with Selenite. Seeing us heading her way, she blasts us and we fall, but at the outer edge of the fortress. I fall elsewhere and you don't see me until the end of the game. You travel around and fight the head monsters one more time. At the last battle, the heroes weaken Selenite(160,000 HP) and then I step in. I use all my power to kill her(which is hard, since she's immortal like me) and I send the heroes home. After saying goodbye, I zoom off in space. The End."

Errr... o-kay... this makes even me fall silent.

"If Squaresoft wants to use this(I don't know if they will see it, but just in case[it helps to be prepared]), they have to contact me and give me credit. Maybe they will let me work with the storyline people. This idea is all my own and no one else's."

To quote Sabin: "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!" Well, just one more... by "Risyu the idiotic Star Ocean 2 Fan". No really, that's what it says. Gee, I wonder which RPG she would venture into...

"I would enter Star Ocean: The Second Story."

Oooooooh... Whoa, there's a whole list of things here. This is one trip that was planned in advance, that's for sure.

"While I was there, i would proceed to:
1. Kill Claude.
2. Kill Bowman (and then make someone revive him, so I could kill him again. Then I'd start alll over...)"

That reminds me of what Kefka's doing in the ARGH... (if you haven't seen that yet, check it out now, you fool! Um, I mean, please.)

"3. Buy a labcoat and fake cat ears and confess to Leon I am his long lost sister and then mess with his mind and make him tell me WHY he likes Claude so much and when I was done, I would keep the labcoat. Those things are cool."

First it's a hat, now it's a lab coat? What's next? A T-shirt saying "I guest-starred in an RPG and all I got was this lousy T-shirt"?

"4. Strangle the guy at the Fake Museum (Museum, my arse, it's a store.) for hiding.
5. Kill the Fish lady with blue hair... Dr. Mirage, or whatever her name was... Just for the sake of killing another character. (Note: Contrary to popular belief, I DID like this game.)"

So much senseless violence... hey, you're not Zero in disguise are you?

"6. Try on some Bunny Shoes. Those things just look sooo cool.. (Hehehe, I gave mine to Ashton originally.)"

Oh, so Bunny Shoes are next, and THEN the T-shirt.

"7. Enter the MASTER CHEF competition.
8. Bring Ashton back OUT of the video game. ^_~"

Sorry, you must have this mailbag confused with the mailbag of two weeks ago.

"9. Make Ashton sew something for me (In his mini profile in the manual, it says one of his hobbies is sewing
::giggles like a ditz until someone slaps her::).
10. Ask Indalecio why he looks so much like Chisato.
11. Bring Filia out of the video game too, and use her on my brother "Come Filia..." "

Somehow I'm starting to think that if you had responded the the mailbag of two weeks ago, you'd have posted a 20-page essay on "my day with the SO:TSS Cast".

"12. Buy some of those gidgets Precis is always wearing, and use THOSE on my brother.
13. Bring somke Mandrakes back out of the video game.
14. Make Bowman cook for me. BEFORE killing him.
15. Taste some Carrot Ice Cream. Maybe it's better than it sounds...? (this item can be stolen using the Bandit Gloves somewhere in the Arena section of Fun City)
16. (While on the subject of carrots) Ask Leon WHY he likes carrot juice (it's his favorite food)
17. Buy some of those fanzines. The one written with style in mind. I might be getting popular. Or maybe the one written to realize the reader's aspirations. Very sophisicated. Definitely. Or maybe..
18. Become one of God's Ten Wise Men and betray Indalecio, taking Filia from him in the process. I'd be friendly to the other 9 until they made me their leader and then kill them in their sleep. I'd then proceed to be the major boss, except, if you beat me, when the world blows up, the spirits of the other nine come out and haunt Expel.
19. Battle 1000 times and get past the idiotic glitch which kept me from beating the hidden dungeon.

And finally.. ::drums beat and Fun City music plays::

20. MURDER that idiotic Darkstalker wannabe boss in the hidden dungeon!!!"

Oh my... such bloodlust, such strange fashion tastes, such a sick sense of humor... are you available? ;)