RPG Classics Mailbag
Wait, wait, WAIT! We can't start the mailbag yet!
Something's missing. Patty...push the red button.
Not the red button-
THE RED BUTTON!
*presses large red button marked "NO!"
There. Now the
And George Lucas is spinning in his grave.
He's not dead yet, Genis.
Wanna bet? *holds up his kendama, soaked in blood*
Oh, grand...so much for Indiana Jones 4...But we've still got the mailbag, and that's all the world needs!
What about Batman Begins?
Fun trivia fact, Patty: The guy playing Bruce Wayne? He was that annoying-ass kid in Empire of the Sun. So, my feelings are...conflicted...
Some people compared me to that kid once. Their blood's probably still on here too.
Don't you WASH that thing?
Nah, it's only going to get bloodied anyway. Plus it adds to the terror effect. And I figure I'm screwing with the CSI's heads if they find well over fifty different victims on here, not all of them human.
I think we better switch gears fast before this turns into another summer slasher fic.
No, no, NO way in hell I'm buyin' my daughter one of those god damned Metal Gears! Those things are DANGEROUS and they cost a FORTUNE! She can operate a Mad Cat like everyone else!
But DAAAAAAAD! All the cool slimes are-wait, we weren't talking about the METAL Gear...are you drunk again?
I tied one on at the bar with the Metababbles and a couple KingSlimes I know from work...sometimes daddy needs a reprieve from your mother's constant nagging. Why oh WHY did Hiryuu make her so annoying?
I think we better switch gears, for REAL this time, before someone says something that brings down Hiryuu's wrath on this mailbag. Who knows what other slimes he's invented...*Mental Note: Hire those ninja slimes from Slime Morimori DQ into Hiryuu's secret HQ to gather intelligence*
You could use all the intelligence they can get! *hic*
God your dad sucks, Patty.
I hope the ninjas find out I was adopted.
OK, let's try this again: SWITCHING GEARS! To Lady Pyrefly. Let's get this Saintly Mailbag started!
Dear Mr. Megaman,
...so then he told me, "Whatever you do, don't sell that poodle!" *laughs* Oh, wait. Wrong subject. hehehe... A saint this time, eh? What's with all the religious topics?
Whaddaya mean, "all the religious topics"?! I just had this one and the previous one, and yet I'm getting a lot of complaints...sheesh, if it makes you happy, the next one WON'T be religious...I wasn't planning on a theme or anything. You people are really bearing down on me, sheesh...
Whatever. Let me think...to be a saint you need to perform three miracles, right? So, then, um, how about...Tidus from FFX? He was transported by Sin one thousand years, he saved the world, and he came back from the dead. Do those count as miracles? Oh well, I count them anyway. ^^ So, St. Tidus will be the patron saint of....something. I'll let you figure that part out.
until THE END,
Gee, THANKS...umm...Patron Saint of...Water? Blitzball? Bare-chested Hot male leads? GGCrono? Wait, no, that's our next entry. My bad.
GG Crono here. Can't think of anything witty, so let's get right to it.
DAMN right. You leave the wit and witicism to me, and just cut to the chase. No delaying here, no siree. Just clean, efficient mailbagging from yours truly, with the help of viewers like you-
Umm, X, you just defeated GGCrono's entire last sentence by wasting time talking about how efficient you are.
I'm also a master of sarcasm and irony, in case you haven't noticed.
I nominate Auron from FFX. In addition to all-around coolness and badassery, he went up against Yunalesca singlehandedly, a fight no man could win. He died, but he kept on going, and went on to look after Tidus for Jecht, and later went on to protect Yuna. All-in-all, he's just a great character. And he's got a nice sword, too.
All good points, I suppose. But with that logic, I'd give sainthood to Grey Fox no problem. Can't say too much without spoilers, but as far as "nice sword" goes, you can't beat a hi-dimensional katana that can slice through a meter of concrete in a tenth of a second AND can slice a bullet in half (or deflect a barrage of bullets effortlessly). Just a thought. If any Video Game character, RPG or no, deserved sainthood, he'd be on the top ten for sure.
Way to derail this train all the way to depressing homage-ville.
Don't worry, Frood is ready to derail the rail itself. Onward!
Well Mr. Meggitty Mc megg meggs...
Wow, that was lame. Do me a favor, plothole something and pretend it was me.
Don't say I didn't warn you, Frood. (Even though I didn't.) Patty?
Y'know, before I fall, might I point out that my being punished for the sins of others makes me some sort of Jesus figure? Just a thought.
Well then, have fun in hell for three days!
With you guys, I spend an ETERNITY in hell. *finally falls*
Now, on to business! You want to know if I know a good RPG character to nominate as a saint? Well, I don't. The only RPG characters I know of are either evil or too busy saving the world to give a damn about sainthood.
But now that you mention it, one name does come to mind...... Ozzy! *Hopes new laughtrack was installed*
Uhh, sorry. Umm...heeheehee?
Why Ozzy you may ask (again)? Well, for all the old reasons! Plus two very good new ones I will get to in a minute.
The old: He's fat, he's old, he's got the gear, he's got a statue, and he hates cats. (still not really required, but I did hear that they taste great with barbecue sauce.)
WHY HAVE PEOPLE WANT TO ME BE THE LUNCHTIME? ALL YOUR BARBACUE ARE BELONG TO US!
I...never mind, let's just keep going.
The new? Well, first off MONEY!!!
Have you ever seen the little saint necklaces? you know, the cheap aluminun ones with a picture on them? You could totally monopolize the Ozzy necklace industry! I mean, 1 oz aluminum, 1 hour slave labor, 15 bucks in the bank no problem!
And if that isn't good enough, here's the second reason. ALL THE SAINTS ARE DEAD!
Now I know that Ozzy isn't dead... yet. And you don't want to really kill him, he's too good for comic relief. But you could play on the suspense that is generated by almost killing him. The guy has a knack for pulling through by the skin of his teeth. Which must be horribly thick the way you treat him.
Go on TV with a make-a-saint show! You get to make great money with all the people who would tune in every week to see you try to kill him off. And you would get to try to kill him off. You would also get to think of new ways and reasons to try to kill him off. Win win I say.
Or you could just sack him and go with the necklaces. (Try and discommunicate me now fatso!)
Have fun Ozzy!
P.S.- I'm not evil.. just generally lacking in qualities more widely regarded as good.
Umm, discommunicated? Seeing as how the e-mail is over, you just discommunicated yourself. I think you mean EXcommunicated, and fortunately for you (and the world!) Ozzie isn't pope. Also, didn't some philosopher say something about evil being the abscence of good, so lacking goodness would therefore be evil? Oh, how I wish Maz would come back. The abscence of fro-ness is...bald? And finally, Ozzie IS dead...on the inside.
If by "dead" you mean "hemmoraging vital organs such as my liver and kidneys" then yes, I am dead on the inside, or very close to being.
Ha HA...Internal bleeding! But enough of my imitating Harvey Birdman's bisexual moustached boss. Frood kicks ass cuz he sent me a sweet fanmail, err, fan-PM anyway, that totally boosted my ego and made my day today. So hats off to you, Frood! Terranigma rocks!
What about the cat-hating thing?
I'll leave that to-
HE IS ON THE WAY TO DAMNATION
It's in the bag. Or out of the bag, I should say. Speaking of bags, this is a mailbag, so let's let another e-mail out! Wait, MajinBuu7985?! How'd you even FIT in there?!
muhahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Majinbuu7985 is back, Megaman you little orange excuse for a cool character from capcom, Viewtiful Joe is cooler than YOU!!!!.
OK, THAT was totally random. I'm not really up to discussing the finer points of an (admittedly cool) game that totally cashed in on the whole "Bullet time" craze. So let's cut the crap to the chase. Err, you know what I mean.
On the topic of nominating an RPG character for sainthood, I would have to go for Elena from Grandia 2. Not only is she a priestess and have holy power already, she is also proven to have the kindness of a saint (and her ultimate spell can save you a fortune on nuking Ozzie. White Apocalypse rules!!!!)
Black Sabbath > White Apocalypse, sorry. Err, wait...wrong Ozzy. Never mind.
OZZIE-aww, Ozzie wants to ROCK!
I'M ON THE HIGHWAY TO HELLLLLLLlllllllll...
Wasn't that an AC/DC song?
They knew how to rock too. Let's keep going, Buu's not getting any thinner.
Oh and 2 more things.
1. Even though Crono was killed by Lavos in a heroic way, it still probably hurt like hell!
Maybe. I'm guessing no because it felt to me like it was simply his existance being nullified, but I don't write fanfics about this sort of thing and you ARE a DBZ character, which makes you like a bastard cousin to Chrono Trigger I guess...
2. True, I am not as cute, fluffy, and adorable as kitties, but that's beside the point because;
Buu Make you Chocolate!!!!!!!!!!
Later ya Viewtiful Joe poser.
Aww, Buu made us chocolate! What a sweet littl-POSER?! How am I a poser to Viewtiful Joe? Megaman X3 came out WAY before Viewtiful Joe was even announced; hell, I chose to be MegamanX2K long before then! And what do I do that copies Joe in any way? I don't even know what "Henshin" means. That poor Buu's messed in the head. He is kinda cute when he's all friendly and not evil and stuff though. Ugh, let's get on to the next entry before he returns and things get all mushy in more ways than one. Pink Lugia, use your Mailbag attack NOW!
Sorry I didn't reply to the last couple of mailbags. Lazy and stuff. But i guess i summon my willpower together to write a response. So, what is a good RPG character to make a saint eh? Sounds rather similar to your last topic.
Now, I suppose there are only two types that can be saints. Either the overly preachy, I've spread my religion to a whole country, type, or the just, knightly types that slay evil and rescue princesses. Let's try to go more for the latter type. I'd think Alphonse from Tactics Orgre: KoL is the perfect Candidate, depending on what side you choose for him to go to (I think). I mean, he kills a fallen angel and stuff, killing people who can be veiwed as evil and oppressive, and in one ending, ends up taking a valuable thingy of destruction to the pope himself. Also he spreads the rule of the Holy Lodis Empire. I mean, he'd definantly be made a Saint by the Lodis people. St. Alphonse. hmmmm... Sounds familiar, and has a nice ring to it. Well, that's all for this reply. Hope you don't get too many people repeating what was said in the last mailbag.
What is it with you and Alphonse? So many characters from that game and you always bring him up. He was stupid, I woulda killed him even if I realized I had the choice. That chick whose name escapes me was far cooler. Plotwise, though, he definately woulda been nominated for sainthood. I think. I'm not too familiar with the plot of the original Tactics Ogre, and I wasn't paying too much attention to Knights of Lodis' plot; I was there for the good gameplay. So in short, I stabbed Alphonse in the back, figuratively AND literally. Videospirit, if you want to avoid the same fate, you'd be wise to remain loyal to my mailbag regime.
Hmm, nominate someone for the sainthood you say? What an interesting idea, there's never been a topic even remotely close to that! Wait, you did the pope last time.
GOD DAMNIT PEOPLE! If you sent in some decent topics I might have better stuff to ask, anyway. Now quit complaining or you WILL suffer the same fate as Alphonse!
Anyways My vote goes to Aeris from ff7, but maybe that's because that was the first Death Scene that really got me sad. Er Wait Back when I played ff6 and shadow died I got pretty upset too, so I vote him for sainthood too. There's no way to redeem yourself like dying to let your friends escape and save the world. But Aeris died to activate her pendant and save the world, and kefka probably would of died of old age eventually and let the world kinda recover, the espers might not of died that way too and the world wouldn't of been totally messed up, so shadow gets - points for ending the world.
Conclusion, I get sad when characters die, like Wolfram from Trigun, that was depressing.
SPOILER ALERT-oh wait, I don't care about Trigun. Still, careful peoples.
With all the spoiling people do in this Mailbag, we really ought to invest in some refridgerators or something.
Har har har. Speaking of...I dunno, cold air...god that sucked. What I mean to say is, out of the mist-
Why is there mist here?!
BECAUSE LEVIATHAN MIST IS TRYING TO ENTER DAMNIT! Gah, now it's ruined. Sorry, 'Mist, go ahead.
Okay buddy, time to submit my suggestion. I think that the all-powerful Kupop from FF6 should become the new pope. Why Kupop and not Kumama or Kutan or Kurin or even Mog? Well, Kupop is just ever so godly, that's why. Besides that, he's half soda.
Moogle...Soda? That offends both my heart AND my stoumach. You, sirrah, are a knave. And you made me talk like an old englishman for some reason. For shame, you coward. I'm not even going to address what Kupop did that made him better than even Mog. I'm just going to forget this shameful turn of events and move on to timjs.
Oh, for the love of god!
Not really, the first e-mail you sent you were under jstrahan, and you forwarded it to timjs...that threw me off. I have no clue what's going on. I'm confuuuuuuuuuzed...
Because you were cheating on me! With...yourself? Wait...now I'm REALLY confused. Why did you...you know what, I don't even care. You've got issues, I'm not going to touch on them. Let's just get this over with.
Well, seeing that I'm feeling un-creative, then I'll say Cecil.
He was a Paladin, he protected the people he was close with, and he was able to use white magic. I mean, COME ON! What kind of saint doesn't know white magic?
St. Francis of Asissi was a Blue Mage. That's why he spent so much time with animals; he secretly trained with them to learn their attacks. True story.
In closing, please don't hit me with your ragnarok buster because I called you a bitch. :Begs:
Wow, you remembered my Ragnarok Buster! Weird, you must not be as new as I thought. I haven't used that in ages! Now I'm conflicted...urge to relive past through devastating weapon gag of old times...versus...gratitude for reminding me I had it...urg...
*suddenly becomes very nervous*
*obviously fires the Ragnarok Buster at Ozzie, I mean, DUH...*
Oh, great, you turned me into...Crystalys, apparently. Wow, another "blast from the past". Ha ha ha. Also I'm on fire. Awesome.
Yeah, that's the Ragnarok Buster for you. Ultimate Fire/Transmutation weapon, cuz I say so bitches. Crouch, you better not disagree.
Not everyone will agree with this choice, but I say Yuna. She really was the one who saved her world, and she did it without any angst or temporary evil (Cloud, Squall, Zidane, Tidus).
Not to mention her world is extremely religious as is, and practically everyone you meet in that game wants to help her out in some way. Yep, if you disaccount her heathen activities afterwards (FFX-2), Yuna is a female Jesus.
A close second- Ryu of the Brood. Save the world four times over, put up with fetch quests and tons of other crap... what does he get? Nada! In BoF II, he has to sacrifice himself!
Not if you do the secret quest to get the flying TownShip. How could you forget that? Though, considering the last mailbag you participated in you only did half the job, you probably aren't a side-quest-completing kind of guy.
And speaking of completion, or lack thereof, that's it for this mailbag! And speaking AGAIN of lack of completion, I'm at a loss for a new topic! So, I'm gonna take Sephiroth Katana's suggestion (unlike most staffers, he participated, in his own little way, which I guess counts for something...) and do a Free For All mailbag. So, send in whatever you feel like! As long as it's loosely RPG-related. Or not, I'll be quite forgiving. Go ahead and ask stuff like you would send to Sosa for the Red Mage column, since he's apparently dead. Possibly eaten by a grue.
Your jokes are even older than this Ragnarok Buster crap! Thank god I changed back, that Crystalys fellow's odor was even OLDER. I thought the whole "not bathing" thing was just an unfair stereotype.
Yeah, Crys...I can get away with this cuz he probably doesn't read this anymore. Nyah! Anyway, send in anything you feel like, within SOME degree of reason. SephK specifically asked for no religious flamewars, and he can kick your ass in any variety of Street Fighter 2. We have FARK.com for that, anyway. The flamewars, not the SF2.
That reminds me, FARUK said that if you didn't touch the Omega Weapon when fighting him, Akuma would perform the Raging Demon on Sephiroth and Aeris would be saved. Oh, FARUK, he knew EVERYTHING about FF7! Remember him? Wow, all this nostalgia. Next thing yo know, ZombieGirl's going to start suing me for alimony.