RPG Classics Mailbag

Previous Mailbags

Well, here we are. It's the 100th mailbag- quite the milestone. I'm quite proud it's come this far. Do you guys have anything to say?

Caik is good.

Cheeeeeeeeesey Burgers!

...I think I'm going to cry.

YOU EEDIOTS! So THIS is what's been going on since I left! Good lord!

Well uh... I blame SG.

Yeah, uh, well, you see... SG did it.

You call this...this... what word am I thinking of?

Egregious?

AH-HAH! No, no...

Lugubrious?

I call it moronic.

Absolutely not! Ah, yes... EEDIOTIC!

Well...I have a perfectly good explanation, don't worry...you see...HE DID IT! *Points to himself*

And this is precisely the reason why Mailbags should be off limits to all SGs?

...You seem confused, child.

I sure am! :D

He's always this way, don't worry.

Pffft! Looks like it's up to me to rescue this mailbag! This time, anyway.

Cool. Can we call you Super Mailbagger, Cid?

Wooo SUper Cid saves the day! *Tries flying around the room and fails*

Excellent, we need someone to counter-balance SG...

Although all my sidekicks seem to still be in retirement. BAH! Now's my chance to show people I don't need no stinkin' sidekicks! No, no, no... although you can go with Mailbag Man. That was Macc's idea.

Good ol' Macc.

Hah! But I notice *he* didn't show his face today!

He wears a mask. He never shows his face.

Yeah, he's sneaky like that.

That's why they call him Whiskers.

Oh, so it's nitpicking now, is it?

Obviously.

They call him Whiskers? Like the cat food?

No, no, no... the cat food was named after HIM. Sheesh.

Oh...That's cool right?

Ahh... I see. So Macc's famous everywhere then.

What, being famous? I suppose, if you're into that kind of thing. Me, I like anonymymi...mity. Whatever.

Oh...Cool! :D Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo mailbag with Cid! We should...get the first letter.

Go ahead. *watches owlishly*

Indeed. Cid, since you're here, why don't you do the honors of grabbing the first reply.

Hmph. Sure, be that way. *picks it up with a big pair of pliers and watches the yucky moisture drip off*

Hi everyone, it your favorite dying staff member Rirse here for a rare mailbag reply. (wait for Megaman984 to open the pit on him) If you may remember, I haven't replied in a while due to TRT being hard to update at times (I am suffering Maccsydromo). Anyways, I am going to talk about my favorite mailbag moment which has to be when Macc held the battle royal between characters.

Which of course I didn't get a chance to vote in (didn't started to vote for a few mailbags later as Timelord Muk), but it still fun to read the battles between characters like Team Rocket versus Pokey and Giygas. Ahhh, fun times, I do wish a new battle royal would start up, hint hint 984 (I know X2k tried one, but how about you guys do a battle royal). Well I better be off, or else the transformation gun will end up turning Kagon into a pretty princess again.

You...talked all about it. I've never read Macc's battle Royale, and I am now educated about it. ...I'm LYING, by the way.

Huh. Fine role models you make.

Yeah. Battle Royale was fun. I made my debut there. But we can't really hold one since there are no more big fights to have.

Thank goodness.

We could have Energon fight Captain Obvious! :D

Yeah! Sidekick Battle Royale! ... Nah... It would never work.

Well, it would be entertaining. Very short, but entertaining. Although come to think of it, both my and Macc's sidekicks have already taken part in several of these Battle Royales already...

Woah woah woah, let's hold off on this Transformation Gun thingy. I'll make this clear again: Kagon is NOT a princess. I repeat. Not a princess.

Is he a queen?

...No.

A female senator?

A killer transvestite bunny from the 8th dimension?

Margaret Thatcher, perhaps? Kagon is Margaret Thatcher! :O O:

Why do I even bother?

Because you love us, Kagon.

No I do not 984.

Because otherwise I'd do THIS. *pushes a long-unused Big Red Button*

Cid, we had the trapdoor uninstalled long ago. Sorry.

What? But...but... how can you have a mailbag without a plot hole? BLASPHEMY! *prods ineffectually at the Big Red Button hoping something will happen*

Like...this! *Doesn't actually do anything*

*Falls down a hole*

Well... it's a lot safer now, though I think if we put them back in, we could be rid of SG...

That's ok though, cos now we have a snackbar! :D

Snackbar! They replace a time-honored tradition with a snackbar! How low have we fallen? AUGH!

We also have an elevator.

Yes, uh, that elevator needs uninstalling.

Lemme guess. It goes to a Pit.

Nope.

No, it seems to lead to intermissions.

But it'd be an intriguing idea, no?

You could always take people down to the bottome basement with the elevator...that's almost like falling down a hole isn't it?

No it's not! It loses all dramatic intensity! "Hah, I don't like what you're saying, so here, wait a few minutes for the elevator and then take it to the basement!" It lacks panache!

We're thinking of installing an arcade room soon.

Oh...well...yeah...well...yeah? Yeah.

Yeah, that'll be nice. Maybe a hot tub too...

*hides his face in his hands*

You know what we need...we need the next reply. :P

Great idea! Feel free.

Yes SG, go get it so you can make some use of yourself.

Oh...? Ok! *Grabs the next reply* And...the winner is...GGCrono4!

Hiya. GG Crono 4 here. I only recently started sending in mailbag responses, and I can say, for the short time I've been doing it, I've enjoyed it.

I've read more than a few of the past mailbags, and I have immensely enjoyed them. However, I really don't think I can pick out 10 specific moments that I liked(exept maybe any moment where Lunaris blasts something. ^_^ ), so I will just say this:Keep up the good work, you guys. I look forward to the next 100 mailbags. Thanks for a lot of fun.

Til next time, good luck with future mailbags, and MAY THE SCHWARTZ BE WITH YOOOOOOOOOUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!! *fades out*

Uh. You didn't answer our question. Lun blew lots of stuff up.

That's ok. He flattered us, so that balances out everything! :D

Aren't we the narcissist, SG?

Heh, that's for sure. I'm amazed you managed to redecorate over all of the bloodstains.

*Runs off to the snackbar to get cheezcaikz*

Well, it did take a long time, but we put Mudo to good use. Currently he's fixing the roof.

*From the snackbar* Yes, Narcoleptics!

In a snowstorm?

Yes... mwahahaha.. erm. Sorry, brief lapse of evil.

Very...dedicated employees, you have.

Not like he has much of a choice.

True. Fine mailbag tradition, that.

*Returns with Strawberry Swirly CheezCaikz!*

Yeah. After I dropped Slalin in a vat of acid, he hasn't done much work.

Well yeah! How's a Slime supposed to recover from that? Jerk.

He could just take some Robutussin, Kagon! :D

Put Jell-O mix in himself, DUH.

I have no idea how he managed to do work BEFORE. I mean... he's got no arms.

Well, his work was biting people's faces off.

Magic.

Yeah, he helped remove some pesky people. Hard to do much with no face, eh?

Agressive Negotiations! Agressive Negotiations!!

Oh, I dunno. Ever tried?

I once tried to use a clock with no face. It was hard.

Especially if you have it set up upside-down. Very confusing, yes. Even worse if the chimes are twenty-five minutes off.

Well, I don't want to try so I guess I'll leave it up to my best guesses.

Yeah. And man, the moon is hard to look at if it isn't in a face.

...Sorry, that went completely over my head. *unintentional drumroll*

*Thuds*

Oh, get up and read the next reply.

Yeah you silly Kagon you.

*Sits down*

Oh fine fine, our next reply comes from Silver Knight.

SilverKnight, here. My top ten mailbag topics? Why, all the ones I replied to, of course. :D

Thank you, but that was too specific for me. Could you be anymore vague?

My my my... Another narcissist. Loverly.

That is just SO egotistical. How does that help our readers define their favorite moments?

Well, next up is Evilmacarena. Isn't that redundant?

...Very.

Could be worse. Could be Happy Ketchup Song.

*Doing the macarena* Irregardless!

*Bops SG on the head three times*

Hello silly mailbag people,

Well, Mailbag reply to 100, good job Macc, Cid, guest hosts, and you, the MAILBAG TEAM! 'holds up "GO TEAM" sign' Anyway, my fav. Mailbag momentos:

Number 3: Kagon getting hit by two and a half Canadian cents

Number 2: The first appearence of the "WHAT IN THE FRICKIN' FRICKY FRICK IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" sign.

And finally, number one...

Mailbag number 9...

SPOONYBARD'S CENSORED BARFING FROM THE KFC LUNCH!

And so I leave you with one final thought: th3 br34d w1ll c0nqu3r th3 h4ms73rs! w00t!

...Ouchie. 1337-speak. I have a h34d4c43.

t3h p41n. t3h p41n.

I've already been bopped in the head three times, and YOU have a headache? *Falls down*

You deserve it SG.

Huh. You should see some of the aches people had after Lunaris bopped them. When he bopped them, they stayed bopped.

SHOW MY WRATH WITH THE SUPER OMEGATRON PYROBOLICAL JACKHAMMER!

Bopped like Bop it! That's a fun Game! Bop it...Twist it...Pull it...Pass it...

Well, that's four Replies that didn't do what was asked of them. Guess what they get? That's right!

Aw, nostalgia.

Uh, 984... We got a letter from a lawyer type person.

Oh?

*looks over 984's shoulder*

*Reads the letter*

Greetings,

It has come to the attention of our firm (henceforth "DA BOMB") that the RPGClassics Mailbag (henceforth "THE DOOFUSES") have been appropriating intellectual property of our client (henceforth "NERDY GUY WIT' GLASSES"). We specifically refer to his bright green sign depicting a bald man with indigestion on drugs superceded by a psychedelic sign indicating that, against all probability, every single reader has "messed up" (henceforth "R0X0RZ").

DA BOMB would like to inform you that should R0X0RZ appear again in THE DOOFUSES' production, we will be forced to take legal and illegal action involving subpoenas, affidavits, litigations, antimacassars, and a big stick with a nail in it. Said R0X0RZ is the sole property of NERDY GUY WIT' GLASSES and may not be used in any way, shape, or form without the payment of vast sums of money to said NERDY GUY WIT' GLASSES. Cheques and money orders accepted.

Any attempt to subvert, argue with, or in any way respond to these allegations will result in further allegations and a big headache.

Yours,

Squall Leonheart

Ah. Sounds like my lawyer's been getting a bit overzealous.

...Sue 'em. Sue them till they're dead.

Can't you call him off?

Fine. Can't use it any more, can we? Fine, to those four people, instead of Mess Up, you get... THIS!

*facepalms*

Yeah, you didn't live up to MY EXPECTATIONS.

I bet you hear that every night, Kagon.

:D I lieeeeek it!

Now, kids...

So, uh, did we get any good Replies?

Yeah, we got some good ones.

Care to show us, Kagon?

Yeah, don't hoard them all for yourself!

Aw, you guys are no fun.

You're the miser. SCROOOOGE!

CHEEEESEYCHEESEYCHEEZCAIKZ!

Fine, fine, the evil master of intermissions had a good one.

Ho Ho Ho! This is the wizardmaster! merry Christmas! As a present to MM984, I will not have an intermission. Oh, but wait, You gave me a you messed up award Kagon/MM984! I wanted a Frick award. Give me a frick award!!! Oh, and technically, I didn't end the mailbag with the intermission, I ended it with, and I quote, "*The Wizardmaster's Mailbag reply end* " HA! YOU MESSED UP!!!

On to the reply, my top ten favorite mailbag moments:

1) The very first mailbag.

2-5) My mailbag replies, in order.

6) When Gilgamesh stood up to Ex-Death, and sucker-punched him! Gilgamesh r0x0rs!

7) The RPG Battle royals.

8) Whenever Lunaris said anything in any of the mailbags.

9) When Kagon coughed up a lung.

10) uh, I guess when youguys started the mailbag! Yeah, that it. When you started the mailbag...

Well that's it! Not much detail, but oh well. Hey, what ever happened to Dragon God, anyways? Is he off the mailbag team, or just to lazy to contribute? Oh, we can't forget The Wizardmasterz Wordz of Wizdom, Can we?

Eat Caik!

Goodbye my fans! Happy Christmas and a Merry New Year!

Nice list, wiz. Nice list. Especially Kagon coughing up a lung. Brilliant choice.

I still need to get it back... I think Slalin ate it. Doh.

...I think I'm really glad I missed that mailbag. Although that does explain a few things.

I think it was neato!

Know what else is neato, SG?

Well, next time we'll try YOUR lung and see how neato it is, eh?

I like your way of thinking Cid.

Well, when you have both lungs your brain kind of clears.

I'll bet.

Makes sense to me. And since SG won't answer, the answer was a Reply from Macc Maverick.

Woo, fun!

Macc: Dum de dum... ah, e-mail! Show me the love! Yeah right, show me the spam is more like it. Lessee... spam, spam, virus, spam, 'I want FARTS', virus, spam... Hm, what's this now? Greetings, Macc... blah blah blah... mailbag #100... blah blah blah.. What are your top ten favorite Mailbag moments and why? Uhhh... great, how am I gonna answer this one? I haven't exactly been keeping up with the mailbag since, like, forever. Well, I guess there's only one thing to do!

Ultros: Just pick something at random?

Macc: ...okay, I guess there's only two things to do. But I was thinking more along the lines of nostalgia and shameless ego-boosting by only including moments from my own reign as Mailbag Man! Whoo! Are you as excited as I am, Ultros?

Ultros: *in a monotone* Yes, Macc. I am so very excited about the hilarity that will undoubtedly ensue.

Macc: That's the spirit! Well, let's do this the proper way, shall we? First... *pulls a lever, opening a trap door beneath Ultros* For old times' sake, you understand.

Ultros: ...you'd think he'd grow tired of this after so many times, but nooooooo... *falls*

Macc: Aaaanyway... *takes out a small card* And now, from the home office in Lemon Grove, California... top ten signs your girlfriend is psycho! ... What the... oops, wrong card. Oh well, come to think of it, this topic would be too big to fit on a card anyway. *puts the card away* We'll save that one for another time. Alrighty, as I was saying... top ten favorite mailbag moments!

#10: Most memorable name of a mailbag respondee, Danman5311 (seen in: Mailbag #22/#23/#24)

For some reason, this guy's name just stuck with me. Danman5311. Saying that ten times fast is just so much fun. Danman5311Danman5311Danman5311... I still find myself doing that sometimes even now!

#9: Final Fantasy VII's alternative ending, by Spy (seen in: Mailbag #16)

What can I say? I would've simply loved to see this happen.

"Okey, I couldn't resist! If I could change one ending, it would have to be FF7s. Why? I dunno, I haven't seen it in awhile and I fried my brain playing Triple Triad all week. Cloud is sitting in the Highwind watching Meteor's arse get kicked by the lifestream. He suddenly realizes he could have brought Aeris back to life with a phoenix down instead of dropping her into a lake. This makes him feel so guilty, he jumps off the airship just as meteor blows up, ending the reign of the Sephi clones. Oddly, no one misses him."

#8: I can't believe I thought that up! (seen in: Mailbag #15)

Yeah, this is kinda pathetic, laughing at my own jokes, but I just love this question I made up for the Who Wants To Be A Millionaire mailbag...

"Which one of these spells is not present in FF8? A) Fire, B) Fira, C) Firaga, D) Fiagra."

#7: Coolest introduction, by Jay Zulpes (seen in: Mailbag #11)

Now, a lot of mailbag respondees had their flashy entrances, but this is the only one that actually stuck with me. What can I say, it made me laugh.

"This battle was seen, co-refereed, and so on by none other than Jay Zulpes... AKA, some idiot wearing a big blue cape, and carrying around a katana. "Katanas are cool!" *Idiotic Power Pose*"

#6: Megaman984 (seen in: more mailbags than I'd care to count)

I just have to give props to 984 in general. This man gained fame through his mailbag responses, and it was a truly a pleasure to see him join the staff, keep Energon around, and later becoming part of the mailbag team. I think you deserve a little ego boost. ^_^

#5: Cool hats and other articles of clothing (seen in: Mailbag #3/#5)

I don't know what you guys think, but this was quite an amusing little running gag to me. Of course, that could largely be because of the nostalgia involved.

"SaiyanSka: Or I get a black mage from FF1 and take his kick ass straw hat!

Macc: LOL... "Hey, nice of you to come over, Mr. Generic Black Mage. I'll take your hat now, thank you very much. Now get out of my house, ya goddamn freeloader!""

"Defiler: I would probably go into the Zelda 64 world and steal adult Link's hat cause I always thought Link's elf-like hat kicked ass.

Macc: Now what's this with taking people's hats? Last time we had a corny question someone would invite over a Black Mage just for his hat as well. And here it is again: "So Link... I can't tell you how great it is to finally see a true videogame legend in the flesh. Yoink!" *quickly grabs hat and runs for it*"

"Risyu: Buy a labcoat and fake cat ears and confess to Leon I am his long lost sister and then mess with his mind and make him tell me WHY he likes Claude so much and when I was done, I would keep the labcoat. Those things are cool.

Macc: First it's a hat, now it's a lab coat? What's next? A T-shirt saying "I guest-starred in an RPG and all I got was this lousy T-shirt"?"

"Risyu: Try on some Bunny Shoes. Those things just look sooo cool.. (Hehehe, I gave mine to Ashton originally.)

Macc: Oh, so Bunny Shoes are next, and THEN the T-shirt."

#4: Most disturbing mental image, by Dr. Nick (seen in: Mailbag #18)

Without a doubt, the most disturbing mental image I got from any mailbag response, ever.

"Dr. Nick: For my second RPG I will take Edgar from FF6 and put him in one of those dating sims that never seem to get translated to English. You will laugh when he gets slapped for saying something stupid: "Ha ha ha. That's our Edgar". You will cheer when he makes it to third base. You will cry when he gets dumped. It's going to be a bumpy ride, Edgar.

Macc: You know, there's a reason why those games never get translated... Knowing those games, he'd most likely end up scoring with Ultros in drag. Ewww."

#3: The whole ShaheenJim thing (seen in: Mailbag #21)

Although this was done with his own consent, and he liked the way it came out, I wonder if Jim realised that this was my way of showing how much I really disliked him? In any case, reading this particular mailbag never fails to put a smile on my face.

#2: Fabricated RPG Secrets, by Rishu and me (seen in: Mailbag #7)

This is so incredibly random, and yet I can help but laugh every single time I read it.

"Risyu: I'd have... The Almighty Flippers of Death(tm) from Final Fantasy IX.. They work very similarly (is that a word? uhm.. don't care) to the Imp stuff where when you equip stuff, you turn into an imp in battle.. You equip the Flippers on your hands and then, in battle, you turn into a duck. Ducks have the ability Flap, where you blow the enemies away, along with Attack and Item. When equipped on Mayfa (the leading female in the game), however, she becomes the Queen Duck character permanently. She has very high attack and powerful magic (some spells include Float, Summon Pug/Tonberry (heh), peck, etc.) This way, you will not get the secret porno ending, however, so you may consider not doing this. These flippers can only be found in the Cave of Evil Socks (tm) which is hidden within CheezyWorld 2 (also tm).

Macc: Although Risyu was reluctant to do so, I'll also let you in on the ultimate secret. Now, if you visit the Pond of Very Sticky Pizzas in the Village of the People With Bad Italian Accents, and get the Pizza with Moldy Cheese, Quite Possibly Poisonous Mushrooms and Ansjovis, you can feed this Pizza to the Queen Duck to teach her the ability "Bad Trip". If you use this ability, the game will display a sickening swirling mass of colors and emit a high-pitched noise which will cause you to gradually lose consciousness. When you come to, your CD will have completely melted, but you will have gained the ability to think up extremely silly fabricated rumors concerning RPGs."

And now, the most memorable mailbag moment of all, from way back in Mailbag #2...

#1: BURN SECRET OF EVERMORE!

Of course, how could it be otherwise? The most famous running gag, still going strong even today, got started way back in the early days of the mailbag, after Rast finished his long rant about how good a game he thought Secret of Evermore was...

"Rast: Remember Macc, I'm your boss, and you can't disagree with me, otherwise I'll... I'll... well, I don't know what I'll do, but I'll be sure to tell you when I decide."

Macc: Zzzzzzzzz... huh? What? Oh yes, yes, very good points indeed. Maybe we should give the game another chance, so... hey, wait a minute... you're not in charge anymore, are you? Well, in that case... BURN SECRET OF EVERMORE! DESTROY IT NOW, IT IS EVIL! EVIL I SAY!"

And there you have it! My ten favorite mailbag moments from the time I was in charge. Ah yes, such good memories. Thanks for the topic, guys. Nostalgia's a wonderful thing. It's good to be reminded of times long past, when Rast was still around... to see responses by the webboard people from the old days like Geo, Dais and Carpe Diem... and to see Wertigon talk about Terranigma all the time rather than Linux.

Well guys, congratulations on the 100th 'bag... now, can you stick with it long enough to make it to #200? Good luck! ^_-

*takes out a charred copy of Secret of Evermore* I always wondered what happened to this one...

Megaman984 gets props! Woooo *Sets up said props randomly around the room*

Woo. I got my ego boosted. Fun. Oh yeah. Seal of approval!

984's Ego +7!

HEY! I can't see! I can't see! *blindly knocks over a cardboard cutout of Michael Jackson*

...Why'd we have a cutout of michael Jackson?

The props.

Kagon, because we have little kids here?

...Wrong 984, just wrong.

Hey, HE'S the one that did it. Not me.

I always thought there was something weird about your nose, 984.

Well, yeah, you see... *Runs away*

Hey... where are you going?!

Uh, away? Why? Do we have to give our favorite moments too?

Yes.

Oh. Okay. Go right ahead, Kagon.

After you.

How about after DG?

Er... I don't see DG anywhere. *scans the horizon*

You're looking the wrong way Cid. He's over there near the snackbar. *points to DG.*

Here he is ! ^.~

Hi !

Hey DG. Want to give us your list?

Hey, wuzzup?

Hi Cid ! :D And 984, sure !

Top 10 moments gee...... lemme think.......

1. Mailbag 12. Why, that's the first one I replied too, starting my long 34+ published Mailbag Replies and hosting career. Great times.

Aww... *drags foot in sand* Makes me feel all warm and cuddly inside. *thinks for a second* EEEEWWW!

Cuddly!

AUGH! *runs away*

SG, no. Back dog.

:D'''

CID! You have to give us your favorite moments! You're not going ANYWHERE!

Tell me, if one is warm and cuddly on the insides, what are they like on the oustides?

Hmph. Uh... *suddenly gets the deer-in-headlights look* I, er... really don't have anything specific I really liked about the mailbag. I liked doing the sidekick hosting ones, those were cool. And the one I did with Macc, that was cooler. But other than that, nothing specific... Sorry. ^^;

No worries.

Good on yer, mate! Let's all start talkin' like Aussies down unda!

Good on your mate!

Throw another shrimp on the barbie and let's have a bonza brew-up, mate!

Maybe a dingo ate your baby.

...Now, what prompted that in the first place?

SG. Always blame SG.

I wish I knew how to talk like an Austrian...

Austrians? That's kinda like "Yah, izst ach du Liebervurst!". Just imagine a wimpier Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Which means?

"Yes, is oh you dear sausage!" What in the name of Rast does that mean?!

Well, you see it means... uh... *falls into a plothole*

Ahh.

Well, that ends Mailbag #100. Next topic comes from GG Crono 4. Since the first topic was so long ago, and we have so many new Repliers now. So, topic Number One-Oh-One shall be "What was your favorite RPG moment and why?" Send them in so we can get one Mailbag closer to #200.

It's a long haul, me boys... good luck.

REply with Bolas again! :D :D :D

Never! No more BOLAS! AHHHHHHHH!

...I won't ask. I won't.

Thanks Mr. Cid! Wooooooooo *Hugs Cid*

AUGH! *runs away*

Yeah. Thanks for dropping in, Cid.

*calls from very far away* No problemmmm...

Cooooooooooooooooome baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

It's been a pleasure hosting with... you... Cid... ... SG!!!!

*Runs after Cid*

AHHHHHH!

*very faintly* AUGH!

Uh... When in Rome... *Runs away like everyone else*

That's gotta be unpleasant. ... I'm all alone now. ...Cool.

*Walks back in* And uh...exempt Wizard Meister and Macc...this is for all you crazy kids.