RPG Classics Mailbag

Previous Mailbags

Once again, SG has abandoned us. Please, feel free to send in your SG hate mail. We know you all hate him just as much as we do.

I don't hate him.

Yes you do... you know you do...

Oh. I guess I do then.

Well, you're easy to convince.

No, I'm not... Wait, yes I am.

Obviously.

Well, maybe I can convince you to get the first reply then?

No, you can't.

...Aww, that's no fun.

Wanna try?

Sure. You *know* you want to get that reply 984.

Oh. Yeah. I do.

Hmm... I should do this more often...

Here it is, pink_lugia!

A poke ball is thrown into the mailbag room. And doesn't explode.

(pink_lugia walks into the mailbag room.) *mutter*cheap flash poke balls*mutter*

Once again I will start with gifts. For slalin, because of your miraclous recovery from being dropped into a vat of acid, a life sized candy Energon. The candy Energon will arrive in a few days. For Energon, since you didn't drink the kaluhas, I will not burn you. In fact I'm giving you a *cough*forced*cough* trip to the candy factory.

Wait? Gr. *goes back to chewing on Energon's head*

I'm lactose intolerant.

What does that have to do with going to a candy factory?

Uh, cause they're full of lactose and intolerant and stuff.

No they're not...

On with the reply (someone reading the mailbag: finally). The worst moment in RPG history. That would be any battle in LOTR:fellowship for GBA. The battles are slow and pointless since there isn't anything to do but attach really. You have to wait for the oppenent to slowly walk up to you and the slowly attack and again slowly walk back. Imagine that happening ten times or more in one turn. I was glad I only rented the game.

That's all for my reply. Thanks for posting mine in the last mailbag. And my name is pink_lugia not Pink Lugia.

The poke ball opens and a flash is seen. The the flash clears the poke ball and pink_lugia are gone and in there place is a note that reads

"Sincerely yours,

The Pink One"

Yeah, I avoided the LotR GBA game. It looked rather painful in all the previews of it that I saw.

I didn't know you could rent GBA games.

Neither did I. I guess it's a Canadian thing. American Blockbusters don't trust us with anything that small.

Well, duh. I mean, you can't bust many blocks with GBA games... Maybe Super Breakout...

*Thuds*

Once again, my logic wins.

Your logic is flawed beyond belief too.

Beyond belief? But is my logic fact or fiction?

Urge... to destroy... rising...

Getting Replies helps to stop that desire, Kagon.

But I don't want to stop that desire. I really do want to destroy you.

Getting Replies also helps to fulfill that desire.

Oh. Ok. Our next reply comes from Walhalla.

Hello.

Wow. That’s one of the wildest and most unanticipated Mailbag topic I’ve ever seen. :P Don’t expect to see “Caiiikkkkkkkk!”, “*Throws something in Kagon’s face*” and “Kiddies! GET OFF ME!!!” in this reply because I don’t write that kind of vacuous stuff, ya punks!

AHHH MY EYES! YOU THREW IT IN MY EYES!

Didn't she just write it?

Er... that's besides the point.

My least favourite RPG moment was Maxim and Selan’s wedding in Lufia II. Maxim is an utterly ridiculous name for a hero, by the way. I’m glad Dekar was in there. :P Anyway. So, what’s my point? A marriage should be a happy event. While I thought the idea of two characters getting married and starting a family in the middle of a game was almost…interesting, it all seemed so wrong to me. Maxim and Selan rarely spoke to each other before that. They never even had a decent conversation. I know we’re supposed to read between the lines, but still, their union was very sudden, just like their relationship was being forced. And fake. In fact, I was surprised to see they were in love. For once, I wanted a predictable and cute turn of events! Maxim and Tia looked perfect together. I hated Selan for implying that Tia didn’t have faith in him… Tia had known the guy for much longer than her.

Well, it’s one of the only scenes that pissed me off, and that I remember. I felt sorrier for the poor rejected girl then happy for the new “couple”. I wasn’t entirely sad, though, because I knew Tia could finally ask Dekar out on a date or something. Ha! Lucky lady! That’s all. Okay so, it sounded stupid in general, but you’re not allowed to say that. :P

Well, I dunno about Maxim and Selan really. I actually liked Maxim as a hero. I guess you were supposed to read through the lines a whole lot, heh.

I've never understood how one is supposed to read something that isn't there.

Well, it's supposed to be there. Like, you can't really assume that as they travel they never talk to each other.

Why not?

Well because it isn't realistic of course.

Psh. Realism is overrated.

Yeah yeah, do the voices in your head tell you that too?

Anyway, Energon, while you're here, I have a mission for you.

Does it involve me not being here?

Yes.

I'll take it!

Okay, go over there to the corner, pick up a reply, and bring it back here.

... Damnation. Greg Hicks.

This time I won't be lazy and actually give you ten moments, in no paticular order: 1. The part in Pokemon R/B/Y where that Bill guy said he had been turned into a pokemon. That was just dumb. 2. When you're about to go see Lucca's telepod in Chrono Trigger and you have to wait for Marle to get her candy. Having to wait in a game is REALLY annoying. 3. The part in the Mercury Lighthouse in Golden Sun where you beat Saturos, but he's still alive! That bugged me. Tough battle and the guy doesn't even die! 4. Any fight where you have to lose like one of the times you fight Exdeath in FF5 in order to advance the plot. 5. When you beat the Kaiser Dragon in the volcano in SMRPG and have to fight the Axem Rangers right after. 6.Beating the Axem Rangers and only getting 14 exp. 7.Killing the fog dragon in FF4 and finding out you kill the little girls mom as well. Got a 7.5 on the D'oh! Richter Scale. 8.The flashbacks near the beginning and end of Bahamut Lagoon. They take so long. Fun to blow off the princess though. 9. The little sequence before the final boss in Robotrek. It was too darn confusing. 10. Going back to Kalay in Golden Sun after rescuing Hammet and watching that 5 minute emoticon conversation. Stupid emoticon....

This has been an approved bola and intermission free reply. Wanna know what I have to say about emoticon conversations?

Excellent. No bolas. I don't see what's wrong with having to lose a battle in order to advance the plot, but that's just me. What do you have to say?

:D

>=|

;_;

Yeah, you better cry. Getting the next reply will make you feel better though.

Kagon makes the baby 984 cry... Oh well, Jon3pO up.

Hey guys, wow I guessed the next mailbag topic. Wow. Anyway I must absolutley must say the worst RPG moment is in FFVII when Sepheroth kills Aeris. That was just so sad. I always like magic over might and Aeris was my favorite character and magic user. It set somethings up for the story but I think it should have gone in a whole other direction. Aeris didn't have to die. Damn you Sephiroth, damn you to hell. Anyway see, ya next mailbag.

Well, I would have thought it was sad if everyone I knew that had the game didn't spoil it for me. Kinda takes out a lot of the surprise and stuff when you hear HEY AERIS DIES 50 times before you even get the game.

Yeah. I still haven't played FF7, yet I've known about that plot piece for years. Kinda annoying.

Indeed. I pretty much avoided using Aeris considering I knew she died, and any time spent making her stronger would be a waste.

I guess you're not into strong, empowered women then, Kagon. You sexist.

Woah woah woah, talk about twisting my words around.

Kinda like twisting a hat on a head, no?

No.

Oh. So does that mean we can't post ClothHat's Reply?

Well, I guess we can as long as he doesn't try to eat me.

I don't think he does.

I brought my avatar along, he was lonely. (Insert nonsensical introduction here) I'll just dive right into things and get to my least favorite RPG moment. Hands down it has to be the scene in Fallout 2 in the town of Gecko where your character can hack into the Enclave computers and talk with a soldier. This would normally have been an excellent opportunity to set the mood of the enclave, but the conversation is a mess. The swearing in Fallout 2 is obviously overdone but this is the point that sticks out as the worse. The soldier sounds like a rabid bnetter at points. Also, although this scene is difficult to find and can only be discovered by stumbling onto it, and although it takes careful navigation of the conversation to avoid angering the soldier; the outcome is ALWAYS the same. The soldier eventually gets irritated with you, tracks you down, and threatens to send an assault team to your location that never shows up. Maybe this is supposed to be a parody of online chatting where one party makes empty death threats against the other, but the irritation of the situation outweighs the humor.

I dunno... That scene sounds pretty funny.

Well, it does remind me of running into annoying people on battle.net.

I guess I find it funny because I haven't dealt with too many people like that.

Well, play Warcraft 3 ladder. You can meet the scum of the universe there. Of course, some people there are actually really nice, but the morons outweigh the normal people. Well, next up is d Galloway.

Segueways? We don't need no stinkin' segueways.

Of course not. We don't need to do this transition material.

Boy, it's been a while since I last sent something!

My least favorite moment would have to be from Deus Ex. During the first trip through Hell's Kitchen, I had to get into that motherf***king wharehouse. Not too hard, right? Well, when every possible path is booby-trapped, guards are swarming, a fall from the rooftops would probably be fatal, and the Realistic difficulty level would pretty much mean death in one shot, you'll see how hard it is! Not only that, but once you get inside, you'll be tearing your hair out trying to do the same thing again to get to the damn generator!

There's my two cents, unless you don't consider Deus Ex to be an RPG, in which case you get nothing, and I steal your brain to use for diabolical purposes.

Well, about Deus Ex, does it meet all the checkpoints to be an RPG? If not, then no.

Well, I guess I'd recommend turning down the difficulty level if you can. That doesn't sound like that's going to be overly fun =O.

Yeah. Really.

Too much pie, that's his problem.

Mmm... pie.

It's tough to be the pie.

Well, you can't really be the pie, now can you?

I'll be the damn pie if I want to!

Alright then. You can be the pie. Happy?

Very.

Well, next up is everyone's favorite bringer of intermissions, Wizardmaster.

*Random flashy entrance*

It is I! The wizardmaster! Worship me as a non-godlike being! On to the stupid things I say at the begining of the mailbag. GIVE ME THE FRICK AWARD!!! PLEASE!!! Next, It's ok Kagon, don't be mean to Mudo because he is a nerdlinger. After all, you are too. Third, trypol dubol fujj caik is AWESOME!!! lastly, since I gave a mailbag idea awile ago, can I beat up energon? I'll give you the intermission to decide.

*Intermission begins*

;_;

I'm not a nerdlinger! Don't even compare me to him!

Uh, if we used the topic, you can beat up Energon. If not, you can beat up Energon.

Whawaha?!

Just play along. I have a plan.

You have a plan? Now I'm afraid.

Be afraid, Kagon. Be very afraid.

*Intermission ends*

Have you decided?

Now what was your plan?

Oh, it was a simple one. I let him beat you up for the delightment of our readers.

I... I... ARG!

Hah! Sucks to be Energon.

Sucks to his asmar!

wizardmaster smacks Energon.

OK then!!!

On to my reply, my least favorite RPG Moment is... All of FF8!!! Does that count? Second would be... a tie between when Gilgamesh dies and when Galuf dies. THEY WERE BOTH AWESOME!!!

Now The Wizardmaster's Wordz of Wizdom:

GIVE ME THE FRICK AWARD!!!

Goodbye everone! I now have to go and...uh...do other stuff. See you Later!

The Wizardmaster

Yes, all of FF8 counts.

Well, I have one thing to say about this...*Odd voice dub insert* MY PLANET NEEDS ME! *Flies through the roof, breaking a skylight.*

*Falls out from the roof*

The hell?

Uh, hi. I was uh...installing Satellite TV...yep. that's right. So what's up?

...We already have Satellite TV.

...You're right...uh stupendous! I guess there's no foolng you. I was actually installing...a weather device of some sort? I mean, I WAS installing a weather device, indeed!

Yeah, right. What on earth were you really doing up there?

Umm...Umm...trying to contact god...no...uh...signaling 984's home planet...uh uh trying to avoid doing the mailbag this week...I mean... Jucuzzi! I was installing a Jucuzzi!

Yeah, whatever. Just get the next reply.

Uh...yeah, uh ok. *whew...I think I fooled him...* Uh, this next one is from Valkyrie Esker.

Well, this is one that's a lot easier to answer! MY least favorite moments can be summed up into two different parts:

#2. Chrono Cross- Opassa beach before the final boss.

Is is just me, or did the explanations they give there make absolutely NO sense whatsoever? And I mean, they SOOOO ripped off Star Wars with the whole Lynx-Wazuki thing! It makes me sick.

I dunno, Miss Esker...I mean, Wazuki wasn't even a pod racer! And Serge was more like Darth Maul, but ONLY because he used Swallows! But I mean, come on, Anakin turned into a...Darth...Vader thing, and Wazuki turned into a Panther. It's not the same AT ALL!

Darth Maul was evil- you do realize this don't you?

Yeah, but if Darth Vader used to be a good guy, then so did Darth Maul. Yep yep. It's all true.

Er... I'm not going to even bother.

But my least favorite moment of any game?

#1. Legend of Dragoon- ANY single plot point.

That game had the amazing ability to leave you not in the least bit wondering about the characters! I mean, you knew about Rose long before the end of Disc 3, definitely thought about Shana since the beginning- All in all, there really weren't too many plot twists or whatever. Still, I kinda enjoyed it, I guess.

Oh, can you guys do a "Worst RPG ever?" topic soon? I REALLY want to bitch about that! Ah, well. *rides off into the sunset, but not before throwing some bolas at Kagon*

:D. And I think Legend of Dragoon had the best storyline parts EVER...just because the dialogue's bad writing made entire conversations talk about nothing sometimes, which was just...great.

No, it wasn't great. It was horrible.

But it was so FUNNY!

Guh, the game was PAINFUL to play. Who yells arf when they get hurt anyways?

I did just yesterday! Watch, punch me!

*Punches SG*

*Blocks* ARF!!!!!!!!!! See?

You need help, kid.

I need to help kids?

*Just shakes his head*

:D Who's getting the next reply, Kagaroo? Haha, Kagaroo!

I'm going to go cry. You can get it too.

Ok! :D This next one is from Doc Shinryuu.

*Suddenly, the Mailbag door begins rattling, as though someone were shaking it. It stops for a moment, then a MINISCULE explosion GRACES the room, leaving a REALLY SMALL MOUSE HOLE in the wall. Doc Shinryuu enters through this hole.* Okay. Who locked the door?

Well...I guess that didn't work after all. Heh, uh oh, Halibut Retribution. :O

Great, just great. The computer's malfunctioning again. I suppose that I'll have to fix it later. But now, there's a topic to respond to!

Okay. First, we had Favorite Moments. Now, we've got LEAST Favorite Moments. WHAT NEXT? Most Mediocre Moment? *Sigh* Anyway, my least favorite RPG moment... Moments, as the case may be... Okay, here we go:

3) Getting to the Abyss in Wild Arms 1

Come ON! Getting there is so farking intricate and difficult, that it takes HOURS to get it right!

2) Earthbound. Period.

Now, this game is just horrible. It has an impossibly confusing storyline, status effects that just don't work like they should, and the Condiment System is just dumb.

Dah, the storyline isn't confusing at all. If you don't like the condiments, don't use them. The status effects were goofy- like the rest of the game. The entire game was really a joke ya know?

If Earthbound on the SNES was anything like the one on NES, I'd be inclined to disagree too. It's gotta be one of the funniest games I've played. Not all RPGs have to be all butt-serious and stuff you know. :P

And now, my absolute least favorite RPG moment... *drumroll*

1) The entirety of FF8!

I'm sorry to those of you that disagree, but there was just too much talk in FF8. Not enough action for me.

FF8 was better than 7 or 9, that's for damn sure. So whatever. :P

Well, FF8: the Card Game was okay. The actual game was eh... not so good. Hey, we're all born in the same orphanage! WOW!

And even with that, it was better than 7 or 9. Yep yep. ;)

Nah, not 9. 9 was just a nice game, laid back game really.

It just kinda annoyed me. Considering how it was hyped, it was nothing like it. It was definitely NOT like Old School Final Fantasy to me. I guess it's partly my fault for having expectations, but if Squaresoft themselves are gonna hype it up like it's 'old-school', then they should really back that up with their content. :P

Well, I think it made some throw backs to being old-school which was nice. The entire game wasn't supposed to be an old school RPG, but it was supposed to have that feel in a way.

Eh...I guess I just wasn't feelin' it. I didn't really like much of anything about the game. Really corny and obvious, much too easy, mini games were annoying. Oh well.

It's a Final Fantasy game. You're expecting difficulty?

The second and third games were challenging. The fourth one was the first time (I was six), and five was pretty tough. And Tactics was tough because it was my first tactics RPG. So yeah I guess you could say I was expecting it. :P

Well, I wasn't considering I never had problems with the games other than four since I was in second grade when I first played it.

Heh, I was like six. It was fun, because I played through it with my bro, back when he was all into RPGs. :P Uh anyways, I think this trip down memory lane is buggin' our readers :O

Probably.

There you have it. My least favorite RPG moments. As a last question, What does Kagon have against Bolas? Anyway, gotta go. But before I leave, someone must feel pain. *Tosses thousands of paper shurikens at Energon, Mudo, and Slalin.* Now I've got to leave, FAST. *Teleports out of the mailbag*

Well, you see the Bola story is long and complicated. Our trip down memory lane probably put half the readers to sleep so I'll tell it another time.

If you're interested, E-mail me and I'll give you an over-embellished story about it, that, while untruthful, will be very funny and humiliating on Kagon's part! So how about it? :D

Er, I don't like the sound of that.

Oh, I wasn't ASKING you, silly! I'm sure you already know the real story, so that's no fun. Oh,before we get the next reply...

*blocks all thrown ninja stars, receiving no damage* Ok, let's continue. :D

Indeed.

Yep. So uh, who's gettin' the last one?

I guess I will then. It's from RalphTheRobopon.

I'd have to say the moment I started Quest 64.

...Oh REEEEEAAALLLY???????

I couldn't agree more.

Well I'm sorry that someone sucks at RPGs in which one has to actually FIGHT to get strong enough, mr. prissy pants! Andandand it's not my fault you can't figure out how to fight with STRATEGERY!!! And I'm sooooo sorrrry that you didn't figure out that after the fight, Brian turns in the direction he was facing at the beginning of the battle, thus preventing us SMARTIES from getting lost! Don't you feel like a goofball for getting lost in straight line dungeons!? AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Actually, that's why the game was so damn stupid. The dungeons were lines. Gee, the gameplay is rather simple isn't it? Lord, it was a disgrace to the genre.

I think you're a disgrace to my FACE! The fact is, as far as my experience shows, most people dislike it for the reasons I stated, which I think are horrible reasons.

I disliked it because the game was pathetically easy to the point of being hopelessly simplistic. Even Mystic Quest didn't have dungeons that were frickin lines.

Actually, it was harder than any Dragon Warrior game I've finished. :P Take that suckerpunto!

Yeah, which one did you beat?

The first one.

Well, that one was difficult if you didn't know what to do. More than could be said about Quest 64.

Yeah...but I also beat it when I was four years old, too...so. :P I beat it without even being able to read 'old english', but I could have never beaten Quest 64 when I was four :P

Yeah, you had to read a whole lot of old english in Dragon Warrior. Ye hast defeated the enemy! All that mattered were the numbers pal =P.

I didn't know what the hell a ye hast was when I was four! I thought it was Cowboy Jargon! Face it, I'm RIIIIIIGHT :P

Nah man. You're not right about this.

Wanna bet?

Cheater.

>:D

Well, that wraps up another mailbag. The topic for the next mailbag was sent in by Rabid Tauntaun. What makes a sequel good or bad, beyond the things that make any game good or bad? Send all Replies to us.

Yeah! So send in replies to us! ...As opposed to someone else!

*Late fanfare from Doc's Reply. The Tape is warped* Oh, jesus. *Stops the tape, and takes it out of the deck, and throws it into the door where Doc Shinryuu came from* Maybe I wouldn't make it so hard for you to enter if you came through the FRONT door and not the frickin' closet door! And don't leave your tapes in my tape deck when you leave! Who do you think you are?