RPG Classics Mailbag

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Zdrvsvuite, comrades. 984 here. It's that time of the month again when our great commune puts forth a glorious Mailbag. That chauvinistic, Capitalist pig Kagon and his equally chauvinistic and Capitalist slave SG are still taking their breaks on the backs of the oppressed.

What about me?

You are equal with me, but I happen to be more equal.

Bully.

Nyet. Not bully. Great Communist leader.

Ah great... How long until you turn into a Feminist?

When Lenin grows wings and flies!

Uh, right. Since you're obviously-

Obviously!

Should've seen that coming... -basing this entire Mailbag on stereotypes, I'm wondering how long it takes for you to shout "Eeetz moose and squirrel!"

Ah, good comrade, I do not give in to your Capitalist lies that easily. Under my command, the Mailbag shall undergo quite the perestroika.

Riiiiiight... I'm just gonna go over here... There's a Reply I have to get... Yeah... GG Crono 4 hath returned! Last time I said I'd bring caik, and I meant it! *gives everyone caik*

Let's see...I'll make this quick. If RPGs were made by women, Rinoa would be the main character of FF8, Zidane would be an overly sensitive wussy, a lot more games would have FFT's Handbags as weapons and Tifa would be wearing a bra.
On top of that, all the women would decide that the oblivious males they throw temselves at wern't good enough for them, then quit the quest and go to law school or some crap like that.

If it was russians, then instead of potions they'd have Vodka, Hi-Vodka and X-Vodka.
(You're probobly going to get 1001 similar responses, but im to lazy to think up anyting better, so =P.)

Wow, that didn't take long. Seeya next time, mailbaggers.

(PS:Energon's caik was poisoned.)

Wow. He's even more prejudiced against Russians than you, 984. And I don't eat caik. I prefer cake.

That's because you are a Capitalist pig. Anyway, I didn't actually get that many responses to the Russian part. Apparently this was a "serious" topic. Coulda fooled me.

Maybe you should put more emphasis on Russians and less on women.

But they're Russian! I mean, jeez!

And now you've gone even further off the edge.

I do my best. Hmm... We should probably insert a disclaimer here stating that these Replies printed don't represent the views and opinions of RPGClassics.

Says the guy that made fun of Russians by acting like a Communist.

Shh... They don't know I did that.

Obviously.

Ugh. Fine.

Well, next up is Comrade Doc Shinryuu. What's up, Doc?

*Suddenly, the mailbag door is crushed into a small orb of high-density mahogany. The orb then floats to the awaiting hand of Doc Shinryuu. He walks through the doorway, floats the orb in it, and turns it back into a door.* Hey all. Doc Shinryuu here. *fanfare plays as a low-quality, distorted MIDI* What? It's the best I can do until I fix the computers, which shall be henceforth known as [[G]] and [[U]].

Alright... This topic will probably bring forth a few... Controversial... Responses. Anyway, for an RPG created by women, I think we might end up with something like a CLAMP manga. As for Russians, that depends on their degree of Communism. Non-Communist Russians could probably put together a pretty good RPG. Communists, however, would create an cheap, crappy RPG with tons of cheap, crappy sequels that come out every other day, just like Windows patches. Pretty much the antithesis of Final Fantasy.

Well, that's it. See ya next time 984. But, before I leave... *creates 38 papercut-proof duplicates of Slalin and sics them on Energon* Now, to prepare for Kagon's return... *feeds the real Slalin a time-release bola set for when Kagon returns* Sayonara, 984-san. *phases out through the wall*

I have NO idea what CLAMP manga is since I'm not exactly the biggest Japanophile at RPGC... As for Communists, they could put together a good game. I mean, Tetris was Communist. Sure it has sequels that come out every other day, but the majority of them are pretty good.

Tetris is the bane of my existence.

What about the Slalins?

I got Garland to deal with them.

I, Garland, have knocked them all down!

See?

That boy is getting more and more useful every day.

Damn straight.

Obviously.

Ah. Right in the nick of time, Captain Obvious. You've been around a long time, right?

Obviously.

Good, and you don't actually get Replies much, do you?

Obviously.

Doublegood. Well, guess what. Next one is yours.

Obviously. *Rummages through the bag in an obvious manner* Next one is obviously from Valkyrie Esker.

Hi all! Glad to see you all again! Energon, I didn't want you to go through that unharmed!You made me cry! ;_;

Good. I didn't want to go through that harmed.

Anyway, on to the mailbag!

If games were made my women, eh? Well, as a member of the prestigious XX club (chromosomes, you sickos!), I think I can offer a bit of insight.

First of all, you can expect the battle systems to be almost nonexistant. I hate to generalize, but we tend to care more about Plot and characters than action, so some games might be no more than just two people having a pleasant discussion over dinner.

Second, expect a lot less blood and gore in EVERYTHING. Even in games where fighting is the entire point, we'd find some way to make it more "pleasant". And that sickens me.

But the Russians thing... I don't know, more vodka and communism preaching in games? I really don't know. ^^;;

And I guess that does it. Now, which way to the snack bar?!

Take a left at Albuquerque. Anyway, those games would suck. I mean, no fighting? Just talking? What's next, you only get to farm?

Uh, 984...

Not now. I mean, farming is nice and all, but as a GAME?! Yeesh. Who would like that?!

You would. Harvest Moon 64, remember?

Right. Right... Uh... Good show! But HM series aside, those kinds of games wouldn't really sell, so I guess the women would eventually have to sacrifice their artistic integrity in favor of being able to afford to put food on the table. Those Capitalist pigs.

And you've managed to insult yet another group.

I know. I'm on quite the roll, aren't I? Up next is a... Hm... A newcomer, I think. Go ahead, Zoneseek55.

I don't know if this is too late in the game to respond. I noticed the date for this is March 30th 2002?

Energon forgot to change the year.

However, if it is not too late I would like to respond to your mailbag question.

It concerns me, as a female RPG fan, that women characters are being portrayed more and more as sexual objects rather than as whole people. Just take a look at screen shots for FF X-2! It is ludicrous sometimes when you see a male character dressed to the hilt with armor and cape, and the female next to him is wearing very little. I certainly hope that the men/boys out there who play RPGs will understand that women have talents and intelligence and much more to offer than "eye candy" if you will.

If I were a game designer, I would fashion both men and women characters who were cool and attractive, yet more complex and not simply game stereotypes.

Thanks, sorry if this just clogs your mail. I enjoy your website.

Nah. It didn't clog it. But you bring up a good point about the eye candy thing. However, it's been in my experience that most RPG females have tended to not be dressed like women of the street, so to speak. There are a few exceptions, but you also have exceptions to the male rule of being fully clothed in some characters, namely Kuja or, while not in an RPG, Voldo from Soul Calibur. As for the talents, yeah, they learn women are generally only good for healing and are almost never very good attackers.

And you've managed to completely negate the first part of that statement with another biased comment,

What? Did I say women were only good for that? No. I said that's generally what they're good for in RPGs. I fully encourage more women characters like Chris from Suikoden 3.

And characters like Voldo?

Burn 'em all. Well, the author of this strange question is up next. Go ahead, Walhalla.

I missed the last two Mailbags! I will answer them quickly before the actual topic!! ...No, it's a lie. I was just being mean and ridiculing all the people who like to give their thoughts about the previous topics. :P Well, unfortunately, I have no opinion about this Mailbag's question. The person who proposed it deserves to be working with boring ugly old fogeys in a secret research lab. ...Uh, it was another joke... Like, I proposed it and uh, I'm working with boring ugly old fogeys in a secret research lab. Er, never mind. I harassed you so much with my suggestions in the past months. I feel obligated to produce an intelligent reply now. Or something that *looks* intelligent, powerfully smart, masterly clever, cunningly brilliant, sharply foxy and I should stop using Thesaurus.com.

I'll ignore the Russians part since I have no idea what kind of RPGs those people design. But who does anyway? The Women part should be easier for me, but I warn you that my answer will be mediocre on purpose because I don't feel like seriously thinking about it NOW. I'll simply divide my message in four sections so it will give the impression I spent a little bit more than ten minutes writing it: a) Characters; b) Items/equipment; c) Story and d) Music. I could add more, but I don't want to spend more than a little bit more than ten minutes writing it.

a) Characters: Bah. We're all aware that mostly male teenagers play RPGs and they want to see pretty, young girls in them. Women wouldn't change that for crazy, radical, feminist reasons. Profit is more important. The hyperactive female teenage brats would be eradicated, though. I'm pretty sure of it. They're so annoying and the majority of women refuse to admit they were like that in their teenage years (if that was the case). I don't think male characters could be cuter than they already are, so no changes there either.

Finally. Someone accepts my Capitalist Pig Theory of RPGs. About time.

b) Items/equipment: You have to admit that a lady wearing a magical bikini or a pink leotard would never succeed to go unnoticed in a forest infested by monsters. And I must ask it again: how the hell can a bath suit offer sufficient protection in battle? Maybe it confuses the enemies so much that their brain functions (if they have a brain) completely stop working and it's easier to beat them up. The names of the armors could be slightly revised to sound more comfortable, but RPGs will always star at least one lady inconveniently dressed to please the masculine eyes. Man, that sentence sounded so dumb.

Well, it could be a magical bikini like Wonder Woman's.

Her outfit is magical?

I dunno. Probably. It probably grants SOME protection.

c) Story: Stupid games where the heroes must save a helpless Princess/damsel at some point would be FIRED. As an example, I'll tell you a nice story about Uncharted Waters (I know it's not really an RPG, but I've seen it classified as an adventure/RPG/strategy game somewhere. I also suppose you have never played that game. :P). I'll always remember when I finished it on the SNES and realized that my reward was getting married to the Governor's daughter. Nothing more! I was so disappointed. I had spent many hours trading with other countries to buy five Heavy Galleons and finally convince big fat Dias to join my crew, but he never did... I wanted to marry him. The point of all this is probably to say that women would think about stories that are as motivating for girls as they are for guys. We don't like to see nice heroes getting engaged to silly girls in our games.

Ah yes. The good guy marrying the princess was the bane of my existence with earlier RPGs, especially ones where the main character developed a relationship with another female lead then dumped her for some stupid princess.

Well, the guy got to be king then, right?

Hmm... True... Maybe it wasn't such a bad move...

d) Music: I doubt the differences would be noticeable. Though I have a limited knowledge in video games music composers, I'm certain that both male and female composers can be quite versatile. Each gender doesn't stick to a particular genre.

So, does this all mean that RPGs would be better if women were creating them? Not necessarily, but they couldn't be worse. In companies where men are mainly employed, women are priceless because they bring different ideas and concepts, especially if they are of type "F" according to the Myers-Briggs type indicator. :P To conclude, I have this question: do you corect mistaks beforre postin the replys? Some of them are incredibly well-written compared to what can be seen elsewhere. :P Okay, that's all I had to say, fortunately. Am I supposed to do something funny because you used my topic suggestion now? I hope not. I'm not planning to anyway. Bye.

You're supposed to torture Energon. It's your right since we used your topic.

You do, and I kill you where you sleep.

Quiet, Fluffy Bunny. As for correcting mistakes, no. We generally post Replies in their entirety, although we occassionally cut stuff out.

Paper Cut them out?

Sure. Why not?

Woo!

And now that your lifetime dream is fulfilled, get the next Reply.

I knew there was a catch. Fine. ClothHat.

You're probably tired of all the formulaic "wacky" mailbag introductions by now so I'll spare you. How would RPG's be different if they were designed exclusively by either women and/or Russians? Luckily I have my faithful Tawnya on hand to answer these questions. I hope you appreciate the risk I'm taking to bring you this information, you see, I kind of told one or two jealous female aquantainces that I got rid of Tawnya.

...

Wait, nevermind, she has informed me that she will not share the secrets with a capitalist pig-dog such as yourself. I was only given the cryptic comment "In Russia, RPG plays you".

How insightful.

Not really.

Yes really. It's a social commentary, in the vein of famed comedien Yolenko (or some such name), on the status of the Soviet Union and how oppressive and backwards it was. For, while humourous, that statement is obviously flawed since RPGs do not play us. We play them. By stating they play us, Tawnya is reenforcing the correct notion that the USSR was made up of a bunch of Left-Wing, Pinko, Commie, Unkempt Hair, Dirty Sole, Frisbee Playin', Weed Smokin', Hackey-Sack Kickin', Hippie Scum.

Good Lord.

Yeah, I know. Great insight there.

I am astounded.

Yeah. So's Mabatsekker.

Hi 984, *bops*

*Bops to Haddaway's What Is Love*

Hi everyone else *gives holahoops to everyone else*

So.. our topic is of women and russians making rpgs.. Intriguing. First of all, everyone knows that Tetris was made by a russian fellow (Brilliant, he is), so we could expect a certain amount of blockiness and addiction in a russian RPG (So far, tetris IS the only russian game I know of, so it's kinda stereotyping for an answer)

Women.. well, first of all, we could expect them to concentrate on the emotional part of the story: No more mr perfect fancypants goodie two shoes fellows, but instead, people who have problems that they can solve only by themselves and with the help of their loved ones.. also, I'd expect the female role to be more than just the gentle healer and PMS nightmare.. (pardon stereotyping once more) Of course, we could always hope that there wouldn't be any puzzles solvable only by women's logic.. *shudders*

Don't even comment on women's logic, 984.

Damnit. Well, fine. But, uh, don't RPGs already have problems that must be solved with loved ones? I've seen those plenty of times. It's not that rare. As for Tetris, that would be an awesome RPG. Maybe you get to play as Tetris Bloc Figures whose weapons are the actual Tetris Blocks! And maybe the squares could be shields.

That's a horrible idea.

Well, it would sell in Russia. All we have to do is call it Vodka Adventures.

... Whoever thought I would be the accepting one?

Meh. I'm accepting. I just like making my stereotype jokes so over-the-top there's no way it could be thought of as serious.

Obviously.

Well, speaking of stereotyping, we have Jiharn left. Go ahead, Ji.

o see what would happen if only Russian women were design a RPG, we need to look back at previous trends involving Russian women. There are enough possibilities that the game could contain any combination of the following:

1. Russian accent. That's a dead giveaway. Expect the evil, powerful empire/emperor to speak in a Russian accent.

Maybe a Stalinesque mustache too! Or a Gorbachev head spot!

2. Female officer/agent/spy of evil empire falls in love with main character. Just look at all those Bond movies for previous examples.

3. Russian mail-order brides purchasable in item shops. There can be several different wives available, one-time buy per wife. Each wife has different skills, such as inheritence, cooking, cleaning, and attractiveness. Upon purchase, wives will be waiting in house of the main character, waiting for commands.

Eh... That could be abused some... Too bad Tawnya didn't speak more on the subject.

4. Multiple clubs with submissive 18 and 19 year old Russian girls. You know how many of those there are today on the internet. Main character will have to show proof of age, though. There might be a quest to gain a fake ID.

I cannot think of any more possibilities, but those above are certainly probable.

Like Vodka. And crappy weapons/machinery.

You're doing it again...

I know. Well, that ends this biweek's Mailbag. Guess we have to get a new topic. Maybe we can make fun of Italians in the next one!

Oh Rast no...

I'm just kidding. Nah. Well, we all know how RPG battle systems work, and most are rather traditional with maybe a slight tweaking. Well, for the next Mailbag, you get to push your imagination to the limits and "Design your own RPG Battle System." It can be completely original or even a mixture of several parts of past ones. Send them to The Team.

Finally done...

Yep, oh, Energon, one last thing.

What's that?

Eeetz moose and squirrel!

GRAH!

Do svidanja, comrades!