RPG Classics Mailbag

Previous Mailbags

Howdy folks, it is I, The 489, your host for th-

gluh!

Good evening, I am arbitraging this mailbag!

I need no introduction of course, however, for those naives that know not who I am. Charlemagne's the name, fear me if you dare!

Do I have to?

I think fear is essential in any good friendship.

This is my cohort in crime, Countryguy, I like to call him Davey.

Well you're wrong in both cases. It's actually X_countryguy, thankyouverymuch.

Leave the introductions to me, Davey, please.

Davey just doesn't suit me though. Dig the sword, yo. Would you fear "Big Sword Wielder, Davey"?

Would I fear "Big Sword Wielder, X_countryguy"?

Well how many people do you know named X_countryguy?

Counting you? oorrr...

*sigh* never mind... Anyway, here we are with a brand spanking new mailbag for you guys.

Say, X_countryguy, whoever is this entry from?

I think it's from GG Crono 4. I'm right, right?

Correctomundo!

Huzzah! Let's see what it says.

Lets see here...

Werd up, jo. GG Crono 4 in the hizzle, fo' shizzle, Charlemizzle. (I can't belive I just said that...)

"Werd up, jo. GG Crono 4 in the hizzle, fo' shizzle, Charlemizz-" That's enough of that entry!

Now now, be nice. Look, he's just being honest about his feelings towards RPG's.

He's making fun of me is what he's doing! And making fun of all those who grew up in the hood!

And we know that everyone from both those groups are beyond being made fun of...

Well, how would you like it if somone started their entry with "I reckon"? huh? Wouldnt be so funny then would it?! Can ya dig it?

For your, (and everyone else's) information, X_countryguy refers to the fact that I ran crosscountry. Can y'all dig that?

I couldnt understand a word you said, your southern accent is too thick

... *that's "..." with a southern accent for those of you watching at home*

Anyway, GG brings up some good points about RPG's. Like he even mentions a few of them.

then read on

Another free-for-all...hmm...I was never great at these. What should I talk about? *spins wheel of topics*

Hmm...the rise and fall of Hungarian economy? Eh, a pox on that. I'll just talk about RPGs in general.

What is it that makes a good RPG? To me, it's never been something you can describe...it's just something you can FEEL. Just one of those things you KNOW. But I'll try.

I'll start with the obvious. Solid story, good characters, blah blah blah. What makes the stories good? A few things. Many games have nice stories, but the GREAT ones have you constantly wondering in what direction the plot will twist next. That's one of the reasons I love the Parasite Eve games so. (I really wish they'd make another...) And Aya is definately a cool character.

Combat systems are important. Some of my favorates have been from Wild ARMs 3 and Chrono Cross...I've always been a sucker for unique battle systems. Don't know why.

Strategic elements, while not a nessisity, are always nice. I LOVES me a good tactical RPG. (Disgaea, FFT/A, the Shining Force series and La Pucelle are some of my faves.)

Finalally, REPLAY VALUE. The games you'll still be popping in five years from now. Any game that you can easaly clock 100 hours in is definately a keeper. Again I must mentioned Disgaea, for I have never played a game with more replay value than that. And I must also mention Chrono Trigger. Fifteen endings? Damn, there goes my vacation. That game's my favorate for a damn good reason.

Well...that's all I got to say. Here's wishing you many good mailbags, Charle, you mailbagger you. ;)

Man, I was looking all forward to talking about the hungarian economy, I would have said somthing like: Hungary continues to demonstrate strong economic growth and to work toward accession to the European Union. Over 85% of the economy has been privatized. Foreign ownership of and investment in Hungarian firms has been widespread with cumulative foreign direct investment $21 billion by 1999.

Well I guess we're not going to talk about the Hungarian economy, are we?

Well not nowww, maybe I'll make it the next mailbag topic.

But see, he did mention some RPG's like Wild Arms 3 with it's uber complex battle system of guns replacing swords! Though I could be a little biased since I didn't play past the first boss.

I never played that game. Well... I never played more that fifteen minutes into it, boring as hell. I got to the point where I had one of those... australian... shurikens...

Boomerang?

Nooo, its like, shaped like an L... made of wood...

Kangaroo?

Nooo, I think its used to kill kangaroos though.

Koala?

What is it? its on the tip of my tongue... No not koala... You throw it, and it comes back to you.

Well I certainly know that it's not one of my three preivously stated words. Perhaps we should come back to that later.

Ok. Chrono Trigger had only 12 endings and is the best game ever made.

I think I got to about 1/5 an ending, then I got lost... *ahem* back to the business at hand. E-mails.

Yeah. The next entry is from... Joe I think? Yeah Joe... Joe or Evil Joe... I think...

another free for all....
Great!!!!

Evil Joe: what's so great about it?
Joe: shut up and let me talk! Anyways I-
Evil Joe: sorry, I can't do that, it's part of my evil mandate
Joe:....*charges dark energy and blasts Evil Joe's legs off*
Evil Joe:err...on the other hand, not being killed is nice too
Joe: that's a good idiotthatfollowsmearoundandclaimstobemyeviltwin

now I wanted to talk about one of the best MMORPGs I've ever played, Phantasy Star Online; I love the handle and gameplay of it and all those lobby animations they added I DO however HATE dupers and Lamers, someone needs to create an atomic bomb that would only affect morons like them....the world (not to mention the net) would be a better place but for the most part the game is great, wish there weren't so many HUmars around though...

well, seeya!
*dissapears engulfed in black flames*

Evil Joe: not again! Dammit what about me?!?!!!*angrily handwalks out the door*

First of all, Joe, be nicer to Evil Joe!

Well he's evil though...

Davey and I arent licensed marriage counselours, you should find a professional.

What did I say about "Davey"?

Umm. Not outside of the bedroom?

I don't know if I should weep or just cry from that last statement...

Woman, please.

Discussions later, mailbag now.

Ok, well, I have no idea what he's talking about. MMOPRG? What is a HUmar?

Maybe it's in relation to a FUbar?

I think he meant human, the r and n look similar.

Then that would mean that he wouldn't want as many humans around in an MMORPG, which means they are all being replaced by robots!

Ok, THAT is a cool idea.

Yeah, they would whine less.

Robots vs HUmars, just like the future! Unless the robots talk in that annoying robotic voice...

Danger, WIll Robinson! Danger!

Wow, a robot came out of nowhere; on command! I'll let him get the next e-mail.

Danger! It's from Pierson! Danger!

I don't know which of your many wiles you used on Merl to get you this job, but get with the funneh! or I'll send my army of robot bees to sting you into making it!
Also I think sprite RPGs are better than RPGs with polygonal models. There. :P

Lets see... Sprites are better than polygonal models, I agree with you though I havent played many polygonal rpgs... What about you XCG?

Well there are those games, what were they called... Final Fantasy 7-X2. Most of those included were pretty decent polygonal RPG's.

Those don't count!

Why not?

What? Don't listen to me!

Ok. La la la la la la la. I can't hear you!

Aaanyway... As for my wiles ...you dont want to know... And lets just ask you a question... you ever run backwards through a corn field?

No...

...ever been in a turkish prison?

No...

...ever seen a grown man naked?

Yes, actually my uncle used to-

Uhhh, lets not get into that right now ...unless... you really want to talk about it....

No, and don't make me sic my robot on you!

Danger!

Next entry!

Her name is Stephanie Adamson, a.k.a. Zoneseek, I'm sure she's a sweet girl.

Want me to hook you two up?

You know her?

Yeah, she says she wants to meet you at the end of the train tunnel at precisely 10:48.

What train tunne-... I think you're pulling my leg.

Or I could just be lying to you.

Not nice. Anyway, here's the email.

The only thing I can say for the new mailbag free-for-all is this:

Earthbound rocks, Chrono Trigger Rocks, FF VI rocks....what the heck happened to REALLY different good stories?
*Strolls off to Magicant eating a magic tart"
Thanks! I love to see the mailbag.
Zoneseek

Well, Zoneseek, Earthbound most certainly does not rock.

Ness pwns you, Charle.

Ness sucked! the whole games was a waste of my time!

Ness could kick your ass in Super Smash Brothers.

I could kick YOUR ass in real life brothers!

You're my brother?

I am? I want a DNA TEST!

Well according to the DNA test you are my father's brother's cousin's former roommate.

What does that make us, then?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! (Cookies for whoever gets the reference)

We'll make it a contest for next mailbag!

Excellent!

So yes, next episode, for those of you that guess rightly, get to be mentioned in the next mailbag!

Of course, for you to be mentioned in the mailbag at all, you have to send us an e-mail. But you'll still get a cookie.

Of course all cookies will go through a taste test, to make sure they aren't poisoned!

Charlemagne get's to taste first.

I'm just gonna eat the whole damn thing! But to reiterate: Chrono Trigger does indeed rock! It was the finest game ever made! It is to awsome as Earthbound is to crap. It is the exact oppposite! FF6 also rocks!

You know, Merlin likes Earthbound, and Merlin employed you, so...

But Merlin doesn't pay my checks! I have to go to two other jobs, cuz somone needs to support your lazy carcase!

Just because it took me over a year to write the Star Fox Adventures walkthrough *shameless plug*.

As for magic tarts... did you mean this tart?

I made it dissapear, magic!

Wow, you're amazing. She'll never figure it out.

I ate it.

Well, tart eater, next we have an e-mail from a very important sounding Dr. Rani Ali Juma.

Rani Ali Juma? Little Rani? All grown up? Is his father by any chance Omar Ali Juma?

Goodday, You may be surprised to receive this letter from me since you don? know me personally, I am DR.RANI ALI JUMA, the first son of DR. OMAR ALI JUMA, and he was the VICE PRESIDENT of the REPUBLIC OF TANZANIA. Before he died, my father died at the age of 63 in the year 2002 after addressing fellow TANZANIANS during the visit of PRESIDENT JOSEPH KABILA of DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO and YUERI MUSEVENI of UGANDA. I got your contact through the Ghana information Exchange (G.I.E) in my search for a reliable and reputable person to handle a very confidential transaction which involves the transfer of fund to a foreign account and I decided to write you.

My late father was among the ruling party (CCM) which the opposition party was dominated by his Muslim brothers led by PROF. IBRAHIM LIPUMBA. Before his death he had taken to Europe to deposit the sum of US$40 million (FORTY MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS) with a security and finance company as if he foresaw the looming danger coming. The money was deposited in two sealed boxes as valuables goods to avoid much demurrage from the security company. I most say that the death of my father has warned me and my whole family not to go back to politics.

For the fact that PRESIDENT BENJAMIN MKAPA, never showed any concern since the death of my father and after I discovered that my life was no longer safe I decided to leave to Ghana ,West Africa where I am residing now with my own family.Meanwhile here in Ghana West Africa I don? think of going back and for this I and my family have decided to transfer my father? money into a foreign account in your counrty. As the eldest son of my father, I am saddled with the responsibility of seeking a genuine foreign account where this money could be transferred without the knowledge of my government who have tactically frozen our family wealth as I may not trust the system of African government.

Further more, the new Ghana government does not allow such investment hence I am seeking for asylum. As a business person whom I must entrust my future and that of my family into his hands I must let you know that this transaction is 100% RISK FREE and the nature of your business does not necessarily matter. Therefore, if you accept to assist me and my family, we are willing to offer you 20% of the total sum for your assistance, 75% for me and my family, while 5% will be mapped out for any expenses that may be incurred in the process of this transaction. We wish to invest our money on commercial property based on your advice and I will also wish to receive your genuine assurance that you would not sit on this money when it is finally transferred into your personal or company? account. If this transaction is acceptable by you, please confirm your interest through the above E-mail

BEST REGARDS,

DR. RANI ALI JUMA.

Omar? dead? theres got to be a mistake! Why is the GIE emailing me? I got out of that buisness along time ago!

You knew Omar?

Yes, you could say I KNEW Omar. We were in the GSP together (Ghana Space Program). We were up for the same job, to be the first Ghaninians to colonize another planet.

Sounds like a party to me.

He got the job, and botched it up the first mission he had, he crashed his ship into a planet with a poisonous atmosphere. As he told me, the ship shattered like a stained glass window into thirty pieces. He collected the pieces with the help of the native lifeforms...

...and thats where babies come from.

zzz...

I gotta tell you, I'm very upset. I dedicate this mailbag in loving memory of Dr. Omar Ali Juma.

zzz... Huh? What? Hear hear!

Its a sad sad day... All right, we have one more email and it's from Rirse.

Ok, let's see what he has to say.

Hey Charlemagne, this is Rirse DeBlood, local hero and enteral loser of time or something. Anyway, I am here to welcome you to the mailbag. Yet while you may have it going on right now with your fancy pant suits and digital alarm clocks, you have to remember one thing...you need a sidekick to insult when the reply is stupid and needs to be laugh at. I suggest Yoshimitsu and Ghost of Christmas Future. One of them you liked a lot, and even dressed as at my last Halloween party, while the other was fought to the death in Detroit (since he was already dead, he lefted). Select them or else I will be forced to summon the TRANSFORMATION GUN(c) and turn you into Rinoa or something. :D Seeya later and enjoy the mailbag.

PS : Bring back the battle royale.

Fancy pants?

Well those are nice pants...

Hell yeah these are nice pants. I bleached 'em myself.

I see. Well we seemed to kind of beat ol' Rirse to the point here. You already picked out a sidekick before we even got started: Moi.

Yeah, but I do think robots are a good idea, they never go berserk and kill people.

Danger! Danger! *goes berserk*

Oh thats right, they do nothing BUT go berserk and kill people!

Meh, he'll be back to get e-mails next time I'm sure.

He brings up an interesting idea: being turned into rinoa...

Mmm, yeah, I like that idea.

I dunno, that whole gender changing thing weirds me out. That and Rinoa SUCKED! /end uber biased comments.

She did suck, but she's still hot.

Whatever you say. Well I think that about sums it up for today's mailbag. Join me and my possibly male cohort for our next mailbag. Of course, it needs a topic, and it will be a *great* topic too. And Charl will tell you all about it.

IT WILL BE A GREAT TOPIC! AND I WILL DESTROY YOUR ENTRIES WITH MY REPLIES!

*sweatdrop*

Sooo yeah. Next episode: "What RPG character would you vote for president of the country?" Whichever country you live in. If you live in england, who would you want to be king? If you live in 16th century Prussia, who would you want to be Czar?

I'd rather have an emperor, like in Japan. That's where most RPG's come from anyway.

All right.

Ok, see you later guys!

See you next time, cowpolk!