Mailbag

Well, that's OK, because they DON'T really love you. They just...I dunno, wanted to send other people to their doom really bad. Besides, I might keep you on anyway. What's Cid gonna do, duck menacingly at me? Please, he's a pushover. Only not, because he's so short he can't really be pushed over. He's more of a youcanwalkallover.

Not until the point where you stop breathing and die from Carbon Monoxide poisoning.

Oh, great, YOU'RE back. Lemme guess, you're going to take part in my torture too?

Are you really so shallow as to assign me such archaic and stereotypical labels?

And I couldn't miss beating him! Or her. Or it. Or them? We got a good number of responses this week! 9! Not bad considering last time. Actually, 10, if you count...well, we'll get to that in a sec. Actually, let's get to that right now!

That's what I said. I'm pretty sure this was supposed to be a spam message; Gmail wasn't sure, cuz it placed it in my inbox but didn't load the image anyway. And I've never heard of Debs H. Buffalo or Alphecca@ereliabilitym.com before.

Well, it COULD be a really hastily-written entry. Maybe they want me to add a new slime to my roster: Slan! The...umm...well, it SOUNDS like a Slime name, but what KIND of slime?

He's a SpamSlime. This is what he does. I have a feeling we'll be having a LOT of...umm...FUN...with him. But I don't know if that's going to be good enough. So let's get on to the REAL entries! GG Crono got things started with a BANG! Then PETA sued him. Here's why:

GG Crono here. Need a sidekick/minion type dealy? I have just the thing for you.
How 'bout the Prinny Squad from Disgaea? They're funny, they're subserviant, and they explode when thrown! What more could you ask for in a minion, dood?

Truer words have rarely been spoken. And he even enclosed their sprites too. Let's give 'em a field test, shall we? Patty, give them a once-over.

...or, they could just all explode. So much for that. Guess I'll have to go to the store later and buy some more. I doubt we can afford to have THEM as a sidekick-body what with they replacement costs...and the structural integrity power requirements. Nuke-proofing this place takes some SERIOUS force-field technology. Speaking of isolation through better use of shielding, here's Taran! It's a joke because no one likes him. That's why he's a wanderer. No, I'm just joking, Taran, please go on.

I think Dekar from Lufia II would be pretty good. He's practically invicible and dumb as a rock. Probably dumber than a rock, if that was possible.

Well, he couldn't cast any spells, and even a Bomb Crag and Golem have SOME magic. And he DID have that hilarious "blown up and toasted" sprite...

Ash Ketchum might also be a good idea. I can think of few people more pitiable then him, and his in ability to be hurt, except for fainting, could be a plus.

I think you're confusing him with his Pokemon. Last time I checked, humans were very un-vincible, especially when exposed to such allergens as fire.

Ozzie could always offer Slash and Flea as his replacements, if all else fails.

Two more minions for a freak like you? No thanks. I LIKE having underlings, no way am I turning them over to you to suffer alongside me.

You don't understand, human. To us, the hunt is all we have. "Luck" has no meaning. Only the desire to find your quarry. Your prey.

Uhh, let's just move on to some MajinBuu7985. And before anyone asks, no I will NOT have Majin Buu anynumber as a sidekick. Stupid fatass.

Hi Megaman dude. I have an idea for the perfect new sidekick for you. The funniest and most easy guy to toast without killing him would be Zedd from Wild Arms one. Or if he doesn't work you could use Kyle from Lunar SSSC.

Nope, never played either game. Besides, if I wanted to abuse someone from Wild Arms I'd just attack our boy Dalton. Especially since he didn't send in an entry this time. You hear that, Dalton? YOU ARE MINE.

I was wondering when you would ask for sidekick suggestions. That slime things aren't really the best sidekicks and all. So, it's time to play, *big booming voice and flashing light effects* Let's make a Side-Kick! */voice and lights* The first sidekick was slapped here from the last mailbag. His voice and rythem has no peer. He'll hide at the first hint of danger, give it up for sidekick number one, the original spoony bard, Edward from ff4! Now sidekick number two is a bit of a stuck-up snob who wishes he was the main character of his game. A ramza wannabe, he thinks he's a lot better than he is. Weilding holy powers a a rapier, let's hear it for Rictor from Tactic Ogre: The Knight of Lodis. And the third and last side kick can bake some horrid cookies, yet summon destructive dragon forces. Old and enfeebled, yet still able to do battle. Likes looking at the bottoms of spry young men, which is kinda creepy considering that he's a man himself. The last sidekick, but certaininly not the least, is Sendak from Bahamut Lagoon. Now we'll ask each the same question, why they'd make a good sidekick, and then it's up to you X, to decide. First, Edward, Why do you want to be the sidekick for the mailbag.
Edward: Well, I know there is a lot of humourous comic potential in me, and I'm pretty sure I can handle anything thrown at me well enough, as long as I hide first. But mostly, it's because there's a mouse blocking the door, and I don't wanna risk getting bitten if I try and leave this place. I could die after all.

Oh, wow, making fun of how weak Edward is. Gee, THAT'S never been done before. Come on, PL, you can do better than that.

No, but it wasn't so much how easily he died as how ineffectively he fought. He had no attack (primarily because he fought with harps) and his singing served no real purpose. As far as dying goes, it was FF2. No one really had any HP at that point, and even if they had decent attack they missed most of the time anyway. It was too Dragon Warrior-ish. But I'm not here to reminisce about why FF2 sucked. Let's move on.

Okay, same question to Rictor.
Rictor: Well I think it would be good for ratings for me to be the sidekick. All of my hundreds of fans would tune in just to see me. What are you laughing at, of course I have hundreds of fans. What do you mean most people pick to have me die when they play the game. Hey, quit being such a meanie. Moooomieeee.

Hey, I didn't even know there were two separate routes! That said, I probably woulda killed you anyway. You were kind of a traitorous bastard, after all. Well, technically, we the player were, you were just a shill for the empire. But come on, this was a Tactics Ogre game, what did you expect?

Isn't this a little hypocritical coming from...what are you supposed to be, an emperor? You're not earning any points with the Human Rights Commission, you know.

Yeah, I'm sure they frown upon state executions, especially repeated use against the same person. Speaking of which, what do you think that guy with the rifle standing behind you's got planned?

And lastly, same question for Sendak.
Sendak: Back in my day you didn't have to be asked so many questions just to get one job. All you had to do was take a piece of paper with yourname on it to the person you wanted to work for and you were hired, plasn and simple. that's how I got my job as the high summoner for the kingdom, those were good years back then, when the kingdom was all green and the sky blue, and...my, does that MegamanX have an excellent bum or what. I could stare at that all day.

Umm, yes. Well, now it's your turn to decide if you want any of them, or all of them, or whatnot. I would suggest being wary of sendak either way, I heard he's a stalker.

God damnit, that's exactly what I...never mind, I'll just lecture where I am. People, what the FUCK is with overgaying Sendak? I played the god damn game, and I don't remember him being overly homosexual. Maybe I remember wrong, but I highly doubt that whoever did the translation was as homoerotic as such lampooning as this suggests. Unless it was Dejap, they can get pretty raunchy. Either Squaresoft is one big closet queen and the original version actually had Sendak as a flaming old pervert, whoever did the translation took a few too many liberties, or you guys are just being really immature. Whatever it is, I find it really offensive. Sendak deserves a LOT more respect than this. He's a god damned summoner for crying out loud. He has to put up with that stupid bitch of a princess all the time. Hell, that whole game's plot was just pathetic. Which is a shame, because the gameplay rocked. Here's hoping they do a sequel in the future - without the offensive overtones. As a matter of fact, has ANY game ever handled homosexuality in a mature fashion?

Choosing a pastor is a serious matter that requires thought, discussion and prayer. And while a pastor is just as important to young parishioners as to older ones, younger ones simply don't have the discernment, experience, independence - how many kids, for better or worse, will be directly influenced by their parents? - or range of knowledge to make that kind of decision. Medicine Laboratory Facility and 131 overnight kennels. And it will provide 120 large pizzas, 600 donuts and countless gallons of coffee to keep its volunteer staff well fueled throughout the event. The siblings' deaths took place just three days after Palmer was in court for allegedly violating terms of his probation on a drug charge. A judge warned Palmer, of Northeast Washington, that his probation would be revoked if he got into any more trouble. To appreciate the magnitude of the undertaking, consider that the vet school will make available 31 surgical tables in its Veterinary For the tribals the marriage is no different from any general marriage, as 54-year-old Sonamuni, who blessed her three-year-old grand-daughter Priya in one such marriage on Tuesday, told PTI that all customs, which are normally associated with a marriage between a boy and a girl, were followed, but discreetly. Plans call for several distinct "villages," he explained.

Man, we need to get back on track. Of course, with Rirse, the track sometimes needs to get back on track.

Hello X, it Rirse again with another reply that will surly make you deck me with a moogle wearing a spike tipped helmet. I am personally glad that you are firing Crabby, because frankly, he sucks. Unless he was the size of a bus he will just never be cool. I say we just stick him in a boiling pot of water and eat him after the mailbag.

I'm not really firing Crabby, cuz he never really worked for me. Then again, technically neither does Ozzie, but I digress. Crabby is � Hiryuu, anyway, so all complaints (and recipes) should be directed to him.

Oh, look, now you've got Patty upset. Don't worry, Patty, no one's going to kill your dad.

Oh, it's not that, it's just that I overheard mom talking with him about his mercury or something. He's probably toxic.

Anyway, my idea for a new sidekick are Ultros and Ozzie...well sorta. You see, they are owned by Macc and Cidolfas until they die, so what I have come up with are rpg bosses who look or behave like them. I have three people completing for the title, which of course they don't know will result in their death countless times. Let us introduce our losers.

For the replacement version of Ultros, we have three octopus/squid based villains.

Kraken - A giant sea monster who attacks you in Earthbound. He has a cool music that plays when you fight him, plus he has funky lips. If he ever dies due to a nuke...you could just replace him with the cyborg version you fight in the dream world.

Habaruku - I bet you are familar with Habaruku, the head of the St. Eva Church from Breath of Fire II. The truth comes out later that not only the church is evil, but Habaruku can turn himself into a orange squid creature. Besides, who couldn't resist beating up a evil old man who could into a monster squid?

Kraken - No, I didn't goof here...there are acually TWO Kraken here. This one is from Final Fantasy 1, who of course looks stupid because he holding a giant bottle in his hand for some reason. Don't worry about killing him, because of that stupid time loop, you could just summon another one from there.

The replacement for Ozzie is strange, because franky, there isn't many green monsters bosses who are also fat in RPG. So instead we choose anything that is stupid looking, is stupid, or is also a giant fat green guy that we could find.

Ozzie, ignoring the patheticness of your reference which like maybe 5 old people will get, you couldn't punch to save your life. Your arms are too short and stubby for your fatass body. It'd be like fighting Cartman.

It'd be a step in the right direction. If you can make it that far without tiring out, you fatass.

Pharao Head - The big ass Pharao Head boss from Actraiser 1 would be perfect for getting his ass stomped into the ground when you get a lame reply. Besides, since he can only float and then fall to the ground to hurt you, you could easily move out the way to avoid his lame attacks. He also has a clone in Deathelm waiting for use incase of sudden death.

Phunbaba - You remember the fat giant green monster guy from Final Fantasy VI (3), who terrorized the small town of Mobliz? Well after a small boost in IQ (so he could talk), we were able to make him "Ozzie Lite", without the classy lame humor.

Goda - Okay, a rock monster/evil henchman of Jade from Breath of Fire 1 doesn't scream replacement for Ozzie, but since he is so stupid (because he is a rock monster) and big, you could pound on him all day. He could pick himself back together if nuked one too many times too!

Anyway, that is our six lose...I mean winners. Even if one of them loses, you could still select them, since you do have ways to bring them all back to life. Of course I need a way to get them witty, of course SG managed to make a fat major boss from Dragon Quest V seem funny...

DQ6, but who's counting? Then again, did that guy really have a whole lot of personality to begin with? The green thing I mean. SG, erm...well...we'll get to that later, I think.

*the fight starts with Goda picking up a rock and throwing it at Kraken from Earthbound, who gets nailed in the nose. Kraken from Final Fantasy drives into the ground like Ultros, but since he isn't cool, he ends up busting his skull open and dying. Habaruku then tries to plee for help from St. Eva, but instead gets turned into paste by a very angry Phunbaba. Just as things are looking bad for the Ultros replacement crew, a moogle wearing a spiked helmet nails Goda, killing him. Oh and something happened to Pharao Head, but since he sucks, we don't talk about it.*

...so in the end everyone dies, but no matter, because they are RPG characters, you could use some phoenix down on them and make them all better for their beating..I mean their new job.

Rirse : Don't talk until I am done with the mailbag entry, stupid ass. *hands MegamanX2K two Phoenix Downs* Use them on any of the six you want, and then see if they would work better then that stupid Crabby, who we should be cooking by now. Anyway, seeya later.

Well, that was an interesting battle. Short and to the point, but not cutting back on the carnage. I think I'll save the Phoenix Downs, though; I could always just forklift their asses to the nearest Inn and just ressurect them there overnight. Or just dump them in the East River. Everyone else does. Ozzie did it to Magus' sister after the time thing.

*presses the "Law and Order sound" button* Let's keep this legal train wreck-a-wrollin' then, with a newcomer Lady Pyrefly! Hmm, sounds dangerous. Perfect. Patty, get the kerosene ready, Ozzie looks a little cold.

You wanna new sidekick? Hmmm....let me seee...how about....Paine from FFX-2. That could be funny...I see her chopping off your head...maybe it's more violent than funny. Okay. So. Next suggestion is Eva from Parasite Eve. Again, more violent than funny. Hmm...I guess my sense of humor is a little warped. Ooh! I know! I'll be your sidekick! *flips hair and everyone runs* Okay, okay. Fine. It's more violent than funny too. But think about Paine or Eva. They might be fun....

Umm...who, who, and you? These names mean nothing to me. I REALLY need to get up to speed on these newfangled "Play Station" games everyone's talking about. Well, except for the "newfangled" part, since Sony's hardware is a bunch of crap! ZING! Well, not really. I mean that wasn't really a zing. But it was true. Look at the PSP and the controversy surrounding that. If you bought a PSP, you got hosed. But enough Sony bashing; the last thing I need is idiotic PSX fanboys flaming me. Lady Pyrefly, I have no clue who you are. However, from your handle, and the apparent fear you struck into the masses, I can tell you have potential. What say you and I rendesvous for coffee and genocide at Chez Nuke one of these days and we can look over your past acts of malice together? I'm sure we can work something out. At House Avalon, we're always looking for fresh new talent to bring into our fold.

know what sidekick you should have. A Tonberry! Those would make the best sidekicks: They are short (which would make a good foot rest), they are slow (also good for a foot rest), they are deadly (a foot rest that can kill!), they're intresting looking (always good to have a nice lookin foot rest), they have lamps (so you can read in the dark with your feet being rested), they have knives (you can cut bread, cheese, meat, and make a sandwich, maybe use it to spread the optional sauces on), and they enjoy dungeons (who doesn't like resting their feet in the dungeon after a hard days work?).
So, in conclusion, tonberries make excellent foot rests.

Leave it to Gila Monster to handle things efficiently. I guess after being so efficient your feet get tired. I dunno, now I kinda feel like going out and capturing a Tonberry for my very own. Gila should go to work for TonberryCo� as a publicity agent. He's got a gift.

Hello there. I've been a reader of the mailbags for some time, but I've been too damn lazy (or unknowing of RPG characters, because Sony can go to hell for all I care of it) to send in an entry. This mailbag, however, is just too good to resist. But I'm sure you don't care about that, so TO THE ENTRY!!

W00t, another Sony hater. DOWN WITH THE PSX! Release more games on OTHER systems, damn you big corporations! Releasing all your RPGs on that shitty piece of plastic bound together by hype and marketing...

Personally, I thought a Battle Royale for it would be pretty pointless. I highly doubt that anyone ('Cept for those particularly masochistic characters) would want to fight, risk neck and limb, and probably get mutilated in some way for the right to be mutilated and abused even more by a select individual (i.e. You). So, I decided to just list a character and give reasons.

Reason? In a Mailbag? In place of reckless violence? Are you SURE you've been reading OUR mailbag?

A brainy, bratty kid who casts spells and constantly gets abused--Both in the game AND in numerous fanfics. He's the perfect candidate for Punching Bag, that's for sure. He whines a whole lot, kinda like Ozzie, only that in Genis' case, the most you can do for it is Solo him in the Coliseum and let him die. Ozzie you can actually kill, and with irony. Come on, being killed by a cat. REALLY!

-Laughably pathetic: Check.
-Decent Personality: Check, and even the personality that makes you WANT to pummel him, to boot!
-Able to take cruel and unusual punishment: Check a thousand times over.
-Knowledge of English: Check.
-From a non-obscure game: Like I REALLY need to answer that.

GENIS DOESN'T HAVE A SPRITE! He does have a Kendama though. Oh, wait, were you finished?

Well, he does now, as is included with this E-Mail. Yes, I edited it myself. Yes, I'm aware that I have no social life. I prefer to keep it that way. Anyway, those are my reasons for picking Genis as Megaman X's official Abuse Sponge.

BIG mistake, bringing up Tales of Symphonia. My feelings about that game are...well, anyway, I don't see why Genis deserves this fate. I mean, his life sucked enough as is. First, he's born a half-elf in a game all about racism against (or by) half-elves. Those of you who've played Tales of Phantasia know what I'm talking about: it's worse here. Actually, a prevalent theme. Of course, ToS had the misfortune of having a very shittily written plot, so much so that I just made up the adverb "shittily" to better convey my emotions. Then he has to put up with his sister, a total bitch whose AI could definately use some work and did I mention she was a total bitch? And they wonder why half-elves get a bad rap. If I was writing this game I would have centered the racism plot around the plight of half-elves suffering from "abomination" ala Dune; that is, the combination of Elven mind and Human ambition creates a devastating combination; THAT's why Half-elves were so hated, THAT'S why the Elves wisely banned them (they would have no choice), THAT'S why that great Kharlan war happened, and THAT'S why the Desians were so evil. Instead they made up some stupid shit about Martel or something and left a bunch of plot holes big enough to fit Zelos' ego through. Fucking idiots. Can you tell ToS pissed me off?

Anyway...Then add one of the worst "clueless anime idiot hero boy" stereotypes as the main character and his best friend, Lloyd Irving. Ugh. Worst hero EVER. Then there was Collete Brunel. Hey, Jesus Christ, if you're reading this, I know I've been hard on you lately with the whole "religion is bullshit and Christ is a myth" thing, but hear me out: Sue Namco for defamation of character. Collete just ruined the whole "sacrificial Messiah" thing. I know you died for our sins, but since Collete isn't real, she doesn't count, so I think you could argue legal standing that you didn't die for HER sins, which are grevious. It's like Rodyle said, she was a poor Chosen. Not that the whole "Chosen" thing made sense, anyway.

Ozzie, if it were that simple, I wouldn't be casting a devastating ice spell right now. *Blizzard Cannon'd!*

Anyway, who else sucked? Right, Kratos. What a walking cliche. The whole "generic asshole knight" was dead before it even began. Not to mention one of the most famous spoilers of all time. Originality-who needs it? Apparently not Namco. What happened to you, Kratos? You were so good as Liquid Snake. You inspired a generation of villians to be more. How could you fall this low? At least you live on in that arm, however you managed to do that.

Now hold on a minute, I'm not done bitching. Zelos...ah, I'm running long on time here, Zelos=stupid pathetic horndog, and it's bad enough he and Kratos were the same gameplay-wise. Sheena, Presea and Regal were good characters, more or less, but otherwise, poor Genis was surrounded by morons. He deserved better. Compared to them he wasn't NEARLY as annoying as you seem to think he was. So, Genis, consider yourself officially pardoned by me.

If you'll excuse me, I have a "thiefy bastard" to hunt down and sodomize with a Kendama.

*steps into the mailbag room* God this place is a mess...didn't you even try to clean up after Kagon, SG, and 984 left it in shambles?

This is AFTER the cleanup. Well, SOME cleanup. As you can see we're far from finished. At least we got rid of the animals. Thank GOD. I doubt any of those three guys have any intentions of taking responsibility for their mess, though. I mean, 984? 'nuff said, there, if you know what I mean. Kagon, well, he's pretty rare nowadays, which is fine with me, and SG is physically incapable of causing a positive cleanliness trend anywhere in his vicinity.

Hmm...I wonder what would happen if I bred twinkies and ho-hos together? I smell EXTRA CREDIT! :D

Yeah, you seen a guy named ARF around? Thiefy bastard, probably stole your clothes? Please tell me that's why you're naked right now. Oh god.

well whatever...*drops a box full of airholes in the middle of the mailbag room*

Thing in Box: Ow!
Joe: shut up you!
Evil Joe: yeah, shut up!
Joe:...*fires Dark Lance at Evil Joe*
Evil Joe: *staggers because HP is reduced to one* what?
Joe: you're my sidekick, you don't get to say anything without my okaying it first
Evil Joe: but that's not fair
Joe: thats it! I'm doing this for your own good...and maybe to shut you up too...*physical attack, target: Evil Joe*
Evil Joe: Ack! *dies and is now unable to talk untill revived*
Joe: anyways, as for the sidekick, it's something I know will add to the mailbag's atmosphere and no, it isn't your evil self from another demension, although that would be kinda irrelevent, you're evil enough as it is...
Thing in Box: not as evil as me
Joe: yeah, this coming from a guy who has yet to take over the world even though he tried...what eight times?!
Thing in Box:...the other guys cheated!
Joe: yeah sure...anyways, I think it would be interesting to see how you deal with another evil diluted maniac such as yourself in the mailbag! so may I present...Doctor Wily of Megaman! *opens box to reveal Dr. Wily in all his einstein-haired glory...set in a large death machine* hey where'd you get the evil death machine?
Wily: I made it out of some paperclips you left in the corner of the box!
Joe:...um...wow, that's kinda resourceful...hey, can you survive explosions? you know...with your fortress blowing up so much n' all...
Wily: of course I can! I can't go down that easily!...wait...why are you asking that?
Joe: umm... no reason...anyways, I have to go now X! have fun! *dissapears in black flames*

Wily:hmmm...*stares at X with the ominous eyebrows and mutters something about overriding databases and reprogramming something or another into a servant machine of death*

Reprogram me? Only if you want your AARP membership revoked, BITCH. Don't think I won't.

No, the last thing we need is a time travel paradox when they discover you died in 600 AD. You can try talking to Slan for some discount prescriptions, though.

Well, that's all the replies! I didn't really get a specific replacement for Ozzie, but I like beating him up too much to get rid of anyway.

Well, Spring Break is in two weeks, so that might mess things up. Ooh! How about we do a spring break mailbag?!

Well, I'm not really going anywhere for Spring Break, and I don't want people telling me about how much these fictional characters are enjoying Cancun when I can barely go to Canandaigua.

Ugh...that was so bad I guess I have to now. Very well! Our next topic: Send RPG characters on Spring Break! Where they go, what they do...WHO they do...and why they have to make bail! Remember: Keep the humor flowing, and the drinks! We'll give you an extra week since Spring Break is right before the normal deadline. We'll see you then! Except Slan, he'll probably be visiting his family in Nigeria.

Can I come with you guys? No way I'm staying with Raine; she's going off to some ruin or something.

Only if you clean that blood off your kendama. What the hell did you do with it?!

Well, so much for HIM ever writing in again. He'll need Spring Break just to recover...

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