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RPG Classics Mailbag #17

Here we go again... time for this week's mailbag!

And what week would that be?


According to my calculations, this is the mailbag of, like, three weeks ago or something.

Well, I guess so... but it's for the best, really. You see, most of these responses actually came in not very long ago, so I guess it pays to let the mailbag run late. If I have to wait a little longer with posting the mailbag in order to get a decent amount of responses, so be it. Because right now, I have seven responses. Yes, that's only one response less than the maximum amount I ever post. Okay, let's start this thing by seeing who The Blunderbuss thinks would be the RPG Character best suited to be president...

"Just a quickie. Personally, I think Rude from FF7 would make a pretty good president, for the sole reason that, like all other politicians, he has absolutely nothing to say and takes ages to say it. Just thought I'd share that little musing with you. :)

Actually, to do the whole thing:

Campaign slogan: Vote Rude! Finally, the silent majority can have their say!
What he'd do if elected: Not much, really. It's very hard to give orders in terms of punctuation.

"Mr. President, we need your authorisation on this."
"Mr. President? This is quite urgent."
"Mr. President?"
"...!! ... ..., ... ... '...'!!""

Well, what can I say but "..."? Anyway, he still says more than Crono does. Oh, speaking of Crono... here's what Mazrim Taim had to say.

"Hmm... This is so hard to decide. I would go with one of the evil characters, such as Kefka or Exdeath, but that would be too easy, and not very interesting. Besides, I am not in one of my evil moods, even though I am impinging on one, since I lost that chess match (grr...I can't believe I lost my
queen like that! grr...) Sorry, I am getting off the subject."

Off subject? Who cares? By all means, tell us all about your humiliating defeat. Makes everyone else feel better about themselves, you know. And to make you feel better in turn... my friend Deep Blue constantly beats me at chess as well.

"Anyway, my second choices would be some natural king such as Galuf or Edgar. However, they would both have some dirt dug up about them. Edgar's would be that he has had illegal affairs with Terra, Celes, and (dare I say it?) Relm. (hears Macc scream in agony-read other mailbag to understand) bwahahaha...sorry."

Okay, that was a very bad thing to say, but why would dirt have to be a bad thing? Scandals are what makes or breaks a president, depending on his ability to withstand the pressure. It would be interesting to see Edgar try to talk himself out of that one, then admit to having lied about everything and STILL be loved by the majority of the people. Oh wait, that's been done. Sorry Edgar, think of something more original.

"Anyway, Galuf's dirt would be that he lost his memory. We can't have some weirdo who forgets stuff leading our country. So, I think that it would be a tossup between Cloud from FF7 and Crono from Chrono Trigger. Think about it! During a speech, they would either just stand there, saying "...", or else just say "...leave me alone, go away...where am I?" If anyone called them a moron for not saying anything, they would just cast some powerful spell on them, shattering their body to bits. However, their campaign policies would differ very much. Crono would stand there, radiating confidence and achievement, and have Lucca and Marle say nice things about him. The masses would be so happy that they don't feel the need to listen that they would just vote. However, Cloud would tell the voters to go away, that he was just feeling sorry for himself with Aeris's death. They would say "this man is very deep. Let's vote for him." And they would do so. Then, during the final debate, Cloud would say to Crono, "Look, you just stare at me every goddamn day we meet. You don't do anything else but that. Die!" With this, he would cast Knights of the Round, and at the same time, Crono would cast Luminaire. Their spells would cancel each other out, and they would go around the room, hitting at each other with their swords. Meanwhile, Sephiroth and Magus would be watching from the heavens, angry that the voters thought that they were "too evil". They would start talking to each other, and Magus would say, "You know, we really have a lot in common." We are both evil, we both have long hair, we both have cool capes-"
"But my cape is black! Black is much cooler than your crappy purple!"
"Yeah, right! Purple is more refined, and it shows more knowledge!"
"What a sissy color! You need something more evil!"
"I'll show you evil!" With this, Magus would launch a Dark Matter right at Sephiroth's chest, and then hit him out of their cloud with the butt of his
scythe. He would fall to earth, and push Crono to the side.

"This is my fight, Crono."
Sephiroth, after getting a new sword from that dwarven blacksmith in SD3, would break Cloud's sword clean in half, then kill him. Crono would thus be elected president. He would then set up schools where people learn to channel the raw energies in the air, and make them have tangible effects (In other words, magic), since I think that would just be great."

That's the way every final debate should go... the candidates ending up beating the crap out of eachother, only to have some old enemy of the past appear to kill one of them. Possibly both of them. Wouldn't it be great if during the final debate, Nixon would arrive in some giant robot and kick the crap out of everyone there? ...I've been watching too much Futurama. Okay, next! This one's by Shalcar.

"I believe that the best president would be Kevin (the werewolf) from secret of mana 2. His campaign policy would be fairly simple, be good, use common sense, turn into werewolf at night and go on killer rampage and be nice to dogs. :-) He would get elected because he is not quite smart enough to bulls**t people and has a fairly simple speech pattern. His slogan would probably be along the lines of "Vote me or hurt you bad!". The only problem would be foreign relations but diplomats are not really meant to be smart anyway. World domination would be a favourite action of his. That's enough thought about world domination because all that thinking makes me want to get totally sidetracked and take over the world. That would be bad. Lemons are still too damn expensive!! ( I need my medication now...)"

Damn straight lemons are too expensive. Like this one time, I went to the store and I went like: "Lemons! I need lemons everybody! Who'll sell me some lemons?" And this guy at the store went: "Sure, we got lemons... but you've already eaten so many, we had to raise the prise to $500 each." Can you believe that? ...I can't either, but I just like to ramble about lemons all day. Errr... what else were you saying? Something about Kevin? Errr... yeah, I suppose he also likes lemons. *notices everyone staring at him* Ummm... okay, NEXT!

"I believe Kefka would make a wonderful president. Just think about it, whenever a country makes him mad, he can cast Fallen One on a country, transform into his angel form, and kill everyone there. Then, when the U.N. tries to stop him, he does the same thing to the U.N. Uwee hee hee! Ohhh, my head. I need to take an aspirin."

Et tu, Megaman984? It sounds like everyone who responds to this mailbag needs some form of medication. ...figures! Oh well... who do you suppose would win in a fight? Kefka, or Nixon in his robot suit from the future? Nah, that's too strange, even for the mailbag. Let's just move on to... Gryzz203, I guess, judging from the e-mail header.

"If I had to choose one RPG character to be president, it would have to be Locke from FF6. I mean think about it. He could help Nixon steal from White Wat... umm... treasure hunt for Democratic files at the White Water building. That's it, treasure hunting."

Hey, now even respondees are bringing up Nixon! This is starting to freak me out man, it almost sounds like I'm making up the responses myself. *notices everyone staring at him again* Hey! I didn't! I swear! I am not a crook! Spy, quickly, divert their attention!

"Once again the mighty Spy can't keep her mouth shut! There are FF8 spoilers in here, Macc, so be careful. And don't hurt me for it."

Don't worry, you gave fair warning. Besides, I've seen worse spoilers. Like the time when... hey! You're supposed to be diverting the attention away from ME, not the other way around!

"I'd say Laguna Loire would make a great president. First, he goes for almost 2 decades without cheating on his wife. Second, he could pass as the first female president."

Hey... I resent that!

Hey everybody, look who it is! It's Laguna, as he would've appeared should he have been in FF6 rather than FF8! (thanks for the modified picture, SpoonyBard!)

Yeah, and I just want everyone to know that I'm one MANLY man.

Okay, whatever Laguna, you did your little speech, now get out of here.

I... can't.

Why not? leg cramped up.

Oh brother... do continue, Spy.

"Third, uh... Esthar hasn't had a war since he started, so that's gotta count for something! His slogan would be "It's all about love, friendship, and courage!" and all the posters would have a picture of Laguna clutching at his cramped up leg."

That's not funny!

"He'd promise to "take care" of Ultros and compensate Macc for the inconvenience this could bring."

What inconvenience? Oh... oh right, gotcha. *winks*

"Triple Triad would become the national passtime and bribery will no longer be a crime. Bribery? I meant absently leaving money and/or goods laying around in convenient places."

No, no, no! It's not true I'm telling you!

*sigh* Guess there's only one way I'm getting rid of you...

Oooh! Oooh! Can I pull the lever? Can I, can I? Pleeeeeeeease?

Sure Ultros, knock yourself out.

Yahoo! *pulls the lever, trapdoor opens... beneath Ultros himself*

I still don't know why he keeps "falling" for that. Heh. Okay, last but not least, here's Rast's response.

"Hmm... you can't cast a vote without a ballot, right?"

Why not? Everyone else did.

"Well... I suppose I'll have to make one up.

Heroes that are clueless about government:
[ ] Maxim (Lufia II)
[ ] Ryu (Breath of Fire)
[ ] Cloud (FF7)
[ ] Kain (FF4)
[ ] Hawk (SD3)
[ ] Wonder Boy (SoE)

Heroes that know a bit about goverment:
[ ] Edgar (FF6)
[ ] Cecil (FF4)
[ ] Nina (BoF)
[ ] Lise (SD3)
[ ] Barret (FF7 - Hey, if you can run a gang you can run a small country)
[ ] Alena (DW4)

Bad guys who would actually rule the world rather than destroy it:
[ ] Gesthal (FF6)
[ ] Ghaleon (Lunar)
[ ] Myria (BoF1, 3)
[ ] Carlton (SoE)
[ ] Necrosaro (DW4 - Populating the world with monsters doesn't count as destorying it)
[ ] Kerrigan (I know starcraft isn't an RPG but it's still cool)"

Wait wait wait... I haven't played enough Secret of Evermore to know (thank goodness), but... there's a bad guy in Secret of Evermore called "Carlton"? Oooooooooh boy... why you keep defending this game is completely beyond me.

"OK... let's tally the votes!

Who's doing the counting anyway?

Oh yeah... me. OK then, screw counting the votes! I crown Edgar King of the World... I mean President. Why? Well, for one, you have to love his
foreign policy. Take for example how he left Kefka. He pretended to support him, and then later on left him high and dry in the desert and then even
later kicked his arse personally. With someone like him in charge, who needs an army?

Then there's the scandles. Edgar is a known womanizer. The press would never have to look very far for a scandal, thereby keeping the portion of the
public that cares about that stuff happy.

Also, although Edgar has never been known to support democracy, his subjects in Figaro are generally happy and prosperious, leading us to believe
that he is a kind and just king.

Also, and perhaps best, he's been known to beat the piss out of Ultros on occassion. We could even elect Ultros the Vice President, that way we
could have a good presidential whipping boy... uh... octopus."

There we go... great points there, Rast, especially that last one. He's got my vote.

"And lastly, he's just cool. So there.

Note to Ultros: You actually got a few write-in votes (6 to be exact). I suppose I must have missed some of your fans in that last arena match up a
few weeks ago."

There's still some Ultros-lovers out there? Hah, what are they gonna do? Team up with Ultros and take over the mailbag? ......Gogo! Double, no triple security, immediately! Last thing we need is Ultros rising to any position of power. I prefer him just rising out of the trap doors he tends to fall down.

*still clutching his leg* Hey Macc... uh, a little help here?

Alright then, Laguna... I want you to take a look at this here contract...