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RPG Classics Mailbag #23

Well! This was a surprise... I actually had 18 responses to the mailbag! The last time that happened was... I dunno when that was, but it was a long time ago. Since I'm in the habit of posting only 8 responses, I'm sure lots of people will be disappointed when they see their reaction wasn't posted. But it can't be helped... I'm sure everyone knew the risk. And if they didn't, they didn't read very well. *points upward* But enough about that, on to business. "In your opinion, who is the worst RPG character ever, and why?" Let's start with Sir Kalaman.

"Ultemecia from FF8 has gotta be the worst. If she was just a nobody in the game, it'd be one thing, but after having to stomach that stupid frickin junction system *holds pinky finger to corner of mouth* , I expected a little more.

She has absolutely no direct story or character evolution like some of the other great FF villains like Golbez/Zemus, Ex-Death, Kefka, Sephiroth. I must say, I got the most satisfaction out of killing Kefka, not because he sucked, but because he made you love to hate him. Now when I killed Ultemecia, I was just like "Is that all? Well THAT was stupid! Why did I waste 35 hours for this?!!" If she was a normal NPC, it wouldn't be a thing, but she's a boss and she should have to live up to that title!"

I think we can all agree with that. Personally, I thought Zemus was pretty bland as well. Big bad guy who was behind it all, but never actually did anything himself, causing you to not care about him one way or the other... is it just me, or did they simply recycle that part of the plot for FF8?

I resent that, I had quite a unique personality.

Then why were you planning on destroying all creation? It's been done.

Well, you know, I'm evil incarnate, I'm supposed to do stuff like that.

I rest my case.

What? What's that supposed to mean?

If you can't figure that out, I'm afraid there's no hope for you. But nobody cares, so that's okay. Next up is T.G. Flintedge.

"Okay, this is my first ever mailbag submission, so I made it really good."

You made something good? Then why are you sending it here?

"The worst RPG character ever? Well, well, depends how you (or more accurately, I) would define worse...

My definition for today: Most Hated. The character I hate the most... would be Dario from Chrono Cross. Sure, he was controlled by the Masamune, but he had the audacity to hand me my... FIRST HONEST RPG LOSS ON THE PLAYSTATION EVER! Call me a sore loser... actually, don't. I guess when you're that damn good like me, you don't get used to losing."

Ah, so a good response includes shameless ego-boosting! Figures!

"Runners up:
Luna, Lunar:SSSC. Okay, I didn't hate Luna, except for when she cheats in Lords of Lunar! She's too good! Me (Nash) and my friend (Fresca) could never beat her! Okay, we did sometimes, and whenever I beat Luna's ass, it felt like a million Christmases.

Prince Tristan, Ogre Battle. I hate him for several (two) reasons. One, he wouldn't join me. Zero reputation not good enough for you, eh? Second, after he refused to join me, he later had me executed! Where's the justice? I save his world, and this is how he repays me?

So here, I will issue a challenge to Luna and Tristan. It doesn't matter what kind of match it is... a handicap match, a ladder match, a hell in the cell match, a Luna's Dirty Panties on a Pole Match (!)... So Luna, the walking two-dollar slut, and Tristan, the 200-pound sack of steaming monkey crap, the Guardian says, just bring it.

Whew, glad to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening to my speal. Man, I didn't think I could write that much. Oh, and for the reference, no harm is meant to an RPC Classics staff member who happens to share a name with someone above..."

Good thing you mentioned that. You hear that, Luna? You can put down the chainsaw now. Errr, Luna? Ummm, T.G., you might want to start running now. Oh well, in the meantime I'll be moving on... this next one is by the one formerly known only as Danman5311, which as I am told can be abbreviated to simply "Dan". Thank goodness for that, it's a pain to say Danman5311. Try saying that ten times fast! ...well, I mean, if you're really bored... I mean, you don't have to... uh, oh yeah, the letter.

"Hey Macc! Sorry I didn't include my name last time. It's Dan, got it?"

Danman5311Danman5311Danman5311Danm... oh, sorry.

"Ok enough with the introductory, I'd like to give you my opinion as to who is the worst RPG character. The worst RPG character would have to be....Ultros?! No, not Ultros. Could it be...Gilgamesh?! No, not Gilgamesh. Believe it or not I've chosen an even more annoying character than those two!
The worst character is...drum roll please...Scarlet of FFVII fame! That's right Ultros, I have chosen someone more annoying than you, get over it!"

Errr... yay?

"Anyway, I chose Scarlet because she's just too annoying, she's always doing that stupid laugh, and she gets in your way too often! And she's a wimp!   The only time you battle her is when she's in the Proud Clod! Talk about wimpy!"

Don't forget the slapping contest with Tifa! All that was really needed in that scene was a third stooge.

"BTW Gilgamesh, I'd love to see you fight X-Death, you could whoop him pretty good!"

Right! You want it, you got it! *taps Exdeath on his left shoulder*

*looks over his shoulder*

*quickly moves to Exdeath's right side, punches him in the face and runs like hell*

Guh? Wha? Who did that?

Oh, that was Gilgamesh.

*from afar* MAAAAAAAAACC!!

Heh heh. Run, run, or you'll be well done!

Dammit, I wish you people would stop stealing my lines.

Okay, I better move on to another response, this is getting us nowhere fast. Let's see what The Blunderbuss has to say...

"The worst RPG character ever? Well, it'd have to be... Ultros!"

Dang! Why did I just KNOW someone would say that?

"Well, let's look at it objectively. He's one of those annoying characters who just keeps appearing and running away when he starts getting hurt, just like... Edward! Yes, Ultros the octopus is no better than the spoony bard!"

Am too!

Are not!

Am too!

Are not!

Am not!

Are too!

Okay, have it your way. See, told ya I was better.

Yeah, that's more like... hey!

"Consider: he's got eight arms and he runs fast. Gilgamesh had eight arms and ran fast, and Gilgamesh was a good character! Ultros is a bad imitation of Gilgamesh!"

*runs by, stops long enough to stick his tongue out to Ultros, then starts running again*

Come back here! *runs after Gilgamesh*

"He's one of those bad malaysian imitation characters that you can get for fifty pence each! And he's part of a huge Square c-word! Yes! Yes! A Square constabulary to make us all believe that eight-armed people run faster! He's EVIL!"

Well, duh! Of COURSE I'm evil! What have I been saying all this time? And how dare you compare me to that loser Gilgamesh! Apart from having eight arms, running away a lot, and being forced to do whatever Macc doesn't feel like doing himself, we have absolutely nothing in common!

"Disclaimer: This email was written for the sole purpose of seeing what Ultros' reaction was. The views expressed above bear no similarity whatsoever to the views of the writer. Ultros rocks."

Grrr... okay, I've had enough of this! You have no right to... oh. Oh, I see. Well... that's... all right then, I guess.

Hey Ultros, you got another fan!

Seems so... but why do all my fans have to be such weirdos?

Takes one to like one, I guess. But enough about that already! This is going way too slow, let's speed it up a bit. Here's Megaman984.

"Who's the worst RPG character? I'm sure everyone knows the answer to that! It's Edward! His best option is Hide, but that still sucks. The only good thing he ever did was help defeat that elf thingymabobber."

You want a piece of me? Come on, I'll take you on, you'll see how powerful I am!

Shut up, Edward. I said I wanted to speed this up, so don't YOU start.

But I have the right to defend myself against this slander!

The only right you have is the right to remain silent.

But... it's not fair! This must be another conspiracy!

Damn, why did you have to say the c-word, Edward? Now I'll have to waste more time by dropping a weight on you, or something.

Errr... well, you don't have to...

You're right. This will have to do. *kicks Edward into Zemus, causing them both to promptly fall off the edge of the mailbag* ...that was strange. Not to mention physically impossible. But it sure is a convenient way to avoid further plot involvement. Okay, now what was I doing? Oh yes, I was busy with Megaman984's response.

"The worst Albert Odyssey: Legend of Eldean (Ha! See if you can tell me what system that's for, who the main character is, and who translated it. If you do, I'll give you a prize) character is none other than that damn gay bird Amon. He's always the first to die. He learns NO moves. I bet even Kia could beat him up."

Well, I know it's a Sega Saturn game, and my best guess for the main character's name would be Albert, but I have no idea who translated it. Oh well, it'd have probably been a pretty lousy prize anyway...

"The worst Shining Series character would be, I don't know, probably Kiwi from Shining Force 2. Damn turtle's maximum HP is 50, but his defense is worse than everyone else's.

Gilgamesh is pretty sorry too. Let's see how all of his fights turn out.

Butz: *Hits Gilgamesh, doing 1 point of damage*
Gilgamesh: Sorry gotta run! You guys are too strong for me! *Runs away*

Even that loser Ultros is better than Gilgamesh."

*trips Gilgamesh as he runs by and sticks his tongue out to him*

Ouch, my nose... oh, hey Ultros, I don't know if you noticed, but he did say you're a loser.

He did? Doh... well... but I'm still better than you.

Ha! That's a laugh.

Come... here....... *collapses from exhaustion*

You know, we shouldn't be fighting, let's pick on Exdeath instead.

Yeah really. I mean, talk about bad characters... he's a frickin' tree!

Let's not think of him as a tree... let's think of him as a horrible abhorrent arboreal.


An ugly tree.

Oh. Oh yeah. He's a tree, and he's ugly! Ha ha!

Okay, you've had your fun... lemme finish this letter already.

"Hmm... Who else is bad... Teiris sucks royally in Dragon Force... Doyle is only good in one dungeon in Shining the Holy Ark... I've always thought that Selphie is pretty bad... Kobun and Roll are pretty bad in Marvel Vs Capcom 2, but that's not an RPG. Dan's cool though. Don't diss Dan or I'll Otoko-Michi you followed by a Chouhatsu Densetsu. Hmm... This is tough after you list Edward... I can't think of anymore right now, so I'll just send this in now."

Thank thee, o stater of names of people who doth sucketh, thy input hath been greatly appreciated. Onward ho, to Dark-Vampire.

"Hi there Macc, it's the first time I answer one of your Mailbag questions. Well it's been a while since I look at your Mailbag, you're the funniest staff member on RPGC."

If you really think that, shouldn't you look at the Mailbag every day, even though you already read it a million times, and commit suicide if a new one doesn't show up in a week's time? Because I believe I may have lost quite a few fans that way...

"Well 900 more times if not Infinity more times than Dark Macc and 100000000 more times than that asshole of a ShaheenJim."

Note that Dark-Vampire asked me explicitly not to censor that bit. But hey, there's no censoring in the Mailbag anyway, so that's okay.

"Now let's go through the main question: Who I hate the most? Well there's 3 of them. First: Selphie she is just so DUMB and so fi-fi brin d'acier like hairing and she dresses so STUPIDLY and she is so DUMB, did I say that before? Feels well to express itself sometimes...."

...frankly, I didn't get half of that. Fi-fi brin d'what? Sounds like cheap booze given a fancy name to distract your attention from the fact that it's just cheap booze.

"Quistis and Rinoa are like 300 times (Minimum) more beautiful than her !!! If not more and worst of all I bet she has no chance at all with guys (hahahahaha got you there Selphie) and less chance with even the Great Squall and the asshole Seifer. In other words she is a FUCKING BITCH AND A TOTAL LOSER + AN ASSHOLE."

Perhaps for the full effect I should have left the typos in. Okay, I'll make up for it by not correcting any more typos for the rest of this response.

"Seocnd (Rpg Character I hate the most) : Gau he is so BAD DRESSES TASTLY....Oh and poor little kid he was DUMPTED on the Veldt because he is so ugly the poor woman who gave him birth just died of it's birth and he's father by revenge to that DUMPTED his on the Veldt and proff he doesn't like hisSon each time you visit his Father in FF6 he say,s he hvae no sons and he hate thta Kid (I dont blame him) I think Gua is the character everyone dont pick in the game besides his little Rage&Leap skill which are little more uselles to ge the Leo bug's he is completly dump and fool and he cant ven speak english correctly!!!!"

...nah, I won't say it. Too easy.

"All he do when talking is saying Hey mister Thou I want more fodd (sorry Cyan&Sabin)!!!One more thing also he's the only character whhich ye got to FEED in order to get him,I never had to ,even in the worst case,feed my characters in order to get them in my party they all join for unrable cause like Cyan's Familly who has been killed by Kefka's poison !!!! Damn I must remind myself to kill him one more time to avange Cyan there.

Third and the supidest one : Caith Sith A STUPID STUFFED MOOGLE WITH A ZIPPER ON HIS BACK CAN'T YOU IMAGINE MORE STUPIDEST LOOK ? THE FUCKING CAT DIN'T EVEN GAVE ME HIS LEVEL 2 LIMIT BREAK EVEN IF I MANAGED TO GET HIM AT LEVEL 96 WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?? And ..ok I gotta calm myself...he's a spy send by Reeve of Shinra what's a spy doing in Cloud's gang? He is too supid to realise that he have an enemie meber in his gang or what? Anyway that will close my hated over those 3 cuz my bor want the internet now."

No really, I don't think I should add anything to that, it's fine the way it is, don't you agree?


What? Why not?

I never agree with you.

Good point. Well, think I should just let you go off without a scratch?

No. Uhhh, wait! I mean...

Sorry, too late! Bye! *kicks Ultros into Kefka, causing them both to fall off the edge of the mailbag* That's a pretty neat trick, I should do that more often. Well, two more responses to go... here's one by Mad Man.

"Mad Man here. The worst character in a RPG? So many to choose from. I will go with James Shaheen. What? He's not in an RPG? Well he would have been if RPG Classics followed through on that online Final Fantasy type game they were making. Wasn't Rast going to continue work on that? Oh well."

Hey Jim, watch your back... you may have a "kick me" sign there. Hmmm... that line sounds familiar, didn't I already say that at some point? Oh well, whatever.

"Since James Shaheen does not count as a RPG character I will pick Sephiroth just for the reason that he made you wait there, looking at him while he flew through walls and stuff. He would do this all the time. Whether he was rising from the ground or spinning in the air, you could be sure that I was bored. Cloud is a runner up because he wasted my time also. Every now and then he'd drop to the ground and grab his head. And then you'd see a second transparent Cloud that would roll around in the 1st Cloud. What a boring guy. It's okay the FF7 had stupid polligon-through-polligon parts because it does not work on my new computer and I sold my PSX copy. Isn't it dumb how new computers can't run old games? I guess I can understand it not running FF7, talk about a poorly programmed game (just PC version). Good thing they made FF8 work right on computers. FF7 will not work on my computer, it just crashes when it runs a movie and it can't detect my Hardware acceleration (3D Annihilator 2)."

You have my sympathies. That's what you wanted, wasn't it? I mean, I can't think of another reason for all that jibba-jabba.

"Hmm, I seem to have gotten side tracked. But that's okay because I know Macc will post this one because I'm Mad Man and he's not seen me for awhile. Right Macc? Huh? You'll post it, I know you will. I could say something like "Eat shit and die you pathetic excuse for a MegaMan character. All hail Dark Macc, he kicks your ass, Macc" and you'd still post it. See, I told you you would. Now that that's out of the way: Bye all (or at least all those out there who still remember me)."

Yeah, whatever, Dr. Nick, or Mad Man, or whatever you want to call yourself now. Who knows, maybe I only posted it to make fun of you? To say things like: "At least I take a nickname and stick with it, you freaky schizophrenic!" But I suppose my reasons and motivations will remain a mystery forever... even to me. Phew, okay, the final response. Heeeeeere's Zero!

"Well, there are multiple crummy chars in FF series, first of all, there's the light warriors, because of completely inexistant character dev."

Hey hey hey, that's LIGHT WARRIORS! The capital letters are mandatory here, you know. It's a sacred tradition that goes all the way back to the days of... well, of Final Fantasy 1, obviously.

"But, since it's a classic, I'll let that pass. Then, there's characters that just sit there and give you completely useless information ("you must find the mine shaft" - "we are on the middle of a plain, surrounded by the ocean, and there is no trace of a mine anywhere, how could I ever find that?" - "you must find the mine shaft" - "...")

Third of all, I'd say the king of Dragon Warrior I was pretty bad... ("Hello young one, you are a new warrior, so I'll send you slay the dragonlord, because you are expendable. Now, go! For the sake of the world go!")

But, the most USELESS, BAD and plain uninteresting character ever is *drumroll* Arvis! (from FF6, if you lack the knowledge to remember that guy, but he's so useless I don't blame you) He removes Terra's crown, and that's it, he can't fight, he can't do a half-ass decent diplomacy meeting (can't convince the Narshe mayor) and worst of all, he didn't survive the destruction of the world, because he was already dead! What a wuss...

Arvis: AM NOT!

Zero: Huh? How did you get here? How did you get past security?

Arvis: I begged them to let me through.

Zero: It worked?

Arvis: No, had to bribe em after...

Zero: Hoy... anyways, as I was saying, I even got proof that you are the weakest character ever to have existed! Remember when Arvis vanishes? Right after the destruction of the world? Right? WRONG! While coming back to Narshe, this scene, never shown on live Mailbagvision, happened."

"And there you have it. Arvis, being not only killed, but also humiliated by a lousy paper that flew away somehow.

Arvis: ...I deny all of this.

Zero: Very well, Macc, if you'd please put Mr. Tough Guy to the test."

Alrighty, Arvis, looks like we'll have to do the ol' test of resilience, whaddaya say? *slaps Arvis on the back, Arvis keels over, dead* Hey, wait a minute! I haven't even started yet...

"Well, that's all the time we got right now, so I'll just leave the spotlight and say "sayonara, suckers!" *leaves stage, falls through a traphole* This hurt
more than it looks..."

Oops... right, I kicked Ultros off the Mailbag already, but I forgot to deactivate the trap door I had set up for him... sorry about that. Speaking of which, who's still here, anyway?

I'm still around.

I'm... still... here... *crawls slowly towards Gilgamesh*

Gee, you ARE slow. Now I understand why you always used your magic to get around.

M...magic? D...doh...

Well now we have a problem, because I have no further use for Exdeath in the Mailbag... well, I see no other solution but to use my latest invention! Behold... *holds up a device that looks a lot like the Universal Remote* The Instant Plot Device™!

What's it do?

Watch. *pushes a few buttons on the Instant Plot Device™, points it at Exdeath, and hits the large red button, causing a large hole to open beneath Exdeath's feet*


Huh? What was that?

Why it's... a plot hole! *drum roll*

I might have guessed...

Alrighty, now if you don't want to suffer the same fate, you'll have to make yourself useful. So repeat the question for the next mailbag, if you please.

Okay, okay, point that thing somewhere else. The next question is: "If you got the opportunity to create a crossover RPG from two existing RPGs, which RPGs would you mix together, and what would the game be like?". There, was that okay?

Yes very nice, thank you. Now I guess all that remains is...

*falls through a plot hole* Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.....

Huh? Whoa, spontaneous plot hole, imagine that. Well then I guess I better get outta here before... *falls off the cliffhanger* Auuuuuuuuuughhhhhh.....

If builders made buildings the way Microsoft writes programs, civilization could be destroyed by a woodpecker.