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RPG Classics Mailbag

Hello and welcome to the first ever mailbag hosted by yours truly, Cidolfas. I know, I know... everyone's choked up about Macc leaving to follow more lofty pursuits. Don't worry, everyone, you can all look forward to more stuff from Macc's HQ sooner than usual. He'll have more time to follow his dream: having fun while embarrassing as many people as he can. Let's wish him all the best in his future endeavours.

We Wish You All The Best In Your Future Endeavours!

Hey, can you knock it off? You're making my eyes hurt.

Hey, look who it is! It's Ozzie!


Grrrr... you're doing it again!

You don't like it, leave!

Fine, I will!

No, wait, I changed my mind.


Well... Macc's got Ultros and Gilgamesh holed up in his HQ so I can't use them... and I need a sidekick, right? Can't have a mailbag without a sidekick.

Hah! You gotta be kidding! Me, a sidekick to some wussy kid with glasses? Get real!

...Not a kid. The subject of the image was in his late twenties, I'll have you know. That's before I butchered it, of course.

Must be the geeky glasses.

Get a life.

Later, loser!

Not so fast. See, you can't leave just yet.

What's stopping me?

This! *pulls out a ten-page long contract written by Macc ten minutes prior*

A piece of paper? C'mon!

Not just any piece of paper. This contract says you gotta stay here and be subject to absolutely everything I say and do.

Wait a sec! I never signed any contract!

Ah, there's where you're wrong. I shamelessly ripped off FARTS #4 and got your signature from elsewhere. Remember that autograph you signed a little while ago?

No... YOU!

Get over it. You don't appreciate how unbelievably embarrassing that was for me. I wouldn't do it for anyone but you, Cidolfas.

Sure, great. Everyone, give a big hand to... whatzisname there. So Ozzie, have a seat!

You're forgetting something! I'm a villain! I can just run away and you can't do anything about it! Nyah!

Oh... you mean I forgot to mention my enforcement crew? Ahem. Lunaris?

*step in* Just lemme show my light weaponry...*Take out a Quad Plasma Rifle and blow the wall of the mailbag apart*

What the hell is that?

That's Lunaris. He's my typo-ridden security team.

Some security team.

Well, surly better than you are!

Well, surly better than you are!

Cut it out! Aren't you supposed to be bugging Macc or something now?

*reverts in a hurry* Thanks for reminding me! I've got an appointment with an exploding bungee cord! *runs out*

Anyway, Ozzie, still plan on leaving?

Where did you pick this maniac up?

I got him at half price at Mysidia. That's like Jersey, only populated with RPG characters.


Ahem. Having gotten that out of the way, let's get down to business. First of all, this is a momentous mailbag, it being #25! (Note to AMERICANS: This is a GOOD number because it is one-fourth of ONE HUNDRED, which is an IMPORTANT number in the "METRIC system" (literally, "system that makes sense"). So let's get started! Our first ever question was "What TV series (animated or live) do you think would make a great RPG?" Our first contestant... errr, submission... e-mail... thingy comes from Rirse, whose name to this day I cannot pronounce.

Hia everyone in internet land. Good job on be selected to be mail bag Cidafas.

Well, you know how much I love people who spell my name wrong. Imagine if EVERYONE who answered was this sweet! Pray continue.

Will it be corny still, like Macc(I know you can be corny thanks to you posting at Mysidia).

I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult, heh. But it's a good question which I should really address. As I'm sure you've realized by now, I don't have Macc's penchant for extreme silliness, although I do my best. *^_^* This stems from the fact that Macc's comic genius comes from luminaries like Tiny Toons, Space Ghost, and CAPTAIN BLAM-O. Whereas my comic beginnings are from weirdos like Dave Barry, Terry Pratchett, and CAPTAIN BLAM-O. Hence, what humour there is will be a bit just a little more subtle. Besides that, the mailbag will sometimes address more serious ideas and questions than Macc's did. My original idea is to switch off between funny and serious questions in the mailbag. Since the mailbag will be on time, though (er, that WAS the idea behind me taking over, right?) you'll get your share of corniness.

What's this Mysidia thing?

You're getting the hang of this sidekick thing quickly. See? You're the "oh, yes, Socrates?" man!

Er... well, I've had practice. I used to be a receptionist. Then some octopus twit stole my job.

Hah! Loser! *flicks him with a tentacle, then drops through the floor as if it was an ocean*

Ooh, that's bad... getting butt kicked by Ultros. Anyway, Mysidia is a messageboard where some RPGClassics members, including myself, sometimes hang out. Although I don't so much hang out as lurk around and laugh at people. Ahem. Back to Rirse.

Anyways I would take Darkwing Duck and turn it into a RPG. I would start with DW alone against some random dumb thugs. Then he meet with sidesick, Launchpad and daughter, Gosalyn afterward. But as in all RPG, thing are what they seem. And soon tons of crap and other stuff happen. People die and people join and other crap. And at the end the last boss is Nega Duck turn into a giant freak of nature(like in all RPG). He dies(or so he seem)and everything is good again.

I like it! Especially the "tons of crap" part. I wonder if Gizmoduck would be a good guy or a bad guy? Or (shudder) both? And let's hope we wouldn't have to hear things like "terror that flaps in the night" more than once. Anyway, moving on to an old fave, Megaman984. Well, maybe not an old fave, but one of the only ones who wrote in, anyway (what, you don't LIKE me?)

So, Macc is gone. I was going to devote part of this mailbag answer as a tribute to him, but decided not to. I decided to get someone to sing instead, but I could only get a duet by Yoko Ono and Kathy Lee. I decided that wouldn't be a fitting tribute.

Good for you. Otherwise I would have had to use you as a test subject for Lunaris's latest weapon.

What's that?

Turbo-Delux Fries MiniCannon! YEAH!

Here's a suggestion though. Maybe Macc could guest host a mailbag in the future.

Hah! Right! Like I ever hosted a guest mailbag when Macc did it! Seriously though, it'd be up to him. I wouldn't be against it, of course.

Anyway, on with my mailbag answer.

I think The Simpsons would make a good RPG. There would be a party of five consisting of the main Simpsons family. There could also be call beasts like Santa's Little Helper, Snowball II, the Ghost of Snowball I, and Grandpa. You could fight Smithers, Mr. Burns, Comic Book Guy, Kang and Krodos, etc. There could also be guest stars like the Futurama cast, Matt Groening, and other people. Hmmm... This could be a good game.

Indeed. I've always thought Mr. Burns was the quintessential cartoon villain. What better way to blow his brains out than to let him transform into an emaciated angel and knock him over with one of his own feathers? Although as for call beasts... I can't recall Snowball doing anything other than being a victim in the show. Maybe it could be a "hit him! Not me!" kind of call beast.

Those never work.

Have you ever tried it?

Never got the chance. Kept getting dropped down holes and things.

Oh, right. Hey everyone, this guy was the originator of Macc's Instamatic Plot Hole Device™!

Shut up.

Ummm, no. Actually, I'd rather do THIS. *hits random button on the console in front of him*

Not AGAIN... *falls through a plot hole*

Hmm...intressing, a plot hole...Hey wait a minute! How you KNEW it was the Plot Hole boutton? I mean, that control pad got a acnea epidemy!

Acnea what?! Um... well, every button on this console does that. Ahem, on to the next reply, this one by... er... let's see...

mmkay everyone, it's time from the newbie mailbagger...well, I'll get to my name in a moment. See, since Macc took like two months to get the Mailbag up, I went to's [plug alert] Bubble Bobble News Forum and changed my name to Madam Luna, so call me RB, Madam Luna, or both. I don't care.

Okay, R Madam B Luna, get on with it.

Enough of that. I'm acting particularly weird today, and normally I would choose Ranma 1/2.

BUZZ! Wrong! That's already been done (in fact, it's even been translated online) so nyah! You get Cidolfas's You Messed Up Award!

But, that isn't shown on TV in Americkers, so...howzabout "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" Yes, folks. It could be like this: you're a member of a resistance group (can someone say "cliche?") that wants to bring down the evil Regis Philbin and his partner-in-crime, Bill Gates, and BG's henchmen, the Bill Robos (which were actually enemies in my RPG Maker game, but I digress.). So you disguise as Edward the Spoony Bard, the only person on earth idiotic enough to actually want to be on the show. You get on the game show, and each question sends you up a level. Miss one and you get in a fight and get sent down two levels. You need to answer twenty questions and get to the 15th level (or above) to fight a group of Bill Robos, and after that, fight Regis, Bill Gates, and finally the evil monster they both summon, the Dark Macc. Sure, it would be short, but Dark Macc would be really hard. And before you fight him, Dark Macc would blow away Regis and Bill Gates, just like we should have done long ago.

I dunno, I think there are too many copyrighted characters. You think Dark Macc would let himself be put in an RPG like that?

Hey, why don't you let me decide?

Because I run the mailbag now, and Macc doesn't. So I can hurt you real bad without compunctions.

Er... er... but isn't Macc your friend? You don't want to see HIM hurt, do you? Mwhahahah...

You fail to comprehend, my cliched friend. The rules here are mine, and none of Macc's hold up. Meaning you're cannon fodder. Lunaris?

Okay, forget it. You're a weirdo. Later.

Goodamnit! I couldent do anything on the last FARTS, and now, I couldent even test my Jell-O Laucher Mark 7 AGAIN!

Later, Lunaris. Don't worry. Good boy. Ooh, wait, there's more to Madam RD's letter.

Well, it's late, so I'll have to cut this short. Remember kiddos, Gilgamesh and Ultros are cool, and if you want to feel good about yourself beat up Edward.

Well, can't argue with that, I'm afraid. Although others may disagree with me. Ahem. Here we have a submission from... er, Hello,

DRAGONBALLZ would make a great RPG.Wild Arms would also make a great TV show!!!!

Uh. Truth is, I THINK this is a mailbag submission. This guy also sent me a comment about the Wild Arms shrine, so I'm not quite sure. ^^; Either way, this guy also gets Cidolfas's You Messed Up Award, since there are countless Dragon Ball Z RPGs out there. However, I'm too lazy to put it here too, so go look up at the top if you want to see it.

Is that the last one?

Well, Ozzie's back from Plot Hole World. Yep, looks like that's it.... no, wait! We have a last-minute entry (really; I got this right before I was about to post the mailbag). It's from our old friend Say that three times fast.

I would like to make a RPG out of Lassie. The whole game could revolve around Timmy getting in trouble. "What's that girl? Little Timmy's stuck down a well?" It would just be a good game to make fun of. If Lassie didn't work out, there could always be a Flipper game. "What's that Flipper? Little Timmy's stuck on a sandbar?"

Now there'd be a freaky RPG. I wonder if the final boss in that one would be a well with wings... and if Lassie's powerups would include... um, bigger teeth? Worse breath? Come to think of it, just what kind of RPG *could* you make out of that?

Doesn't matter, give it good enough graphics and you'll sell a million copies in the first week.

Don't tell me, Ozzie... you're a member of the "graphics whore" school of thought.

No... but I am a member of the "Humanity Is Stupid" school of thought...

Well, *I* can't see the difference... ahem. That's it for this week. Because, as I hope the case is, people are still trying to get used to me, the next mailbag will again be a less serious one. Therefore, on the same theme (yeah, it's pretty lame, but I'm still trying to think of stuff - you can send in your suggestions too!) next week's question is "What movie/film (live or animated) do you think would make a great RPG and why?" Also this'd give a chance to all those myriad people who DIDN'T write in for this week, ya bastahds. Note: Because next week won't have a long intro like this one, the mailbag will be delayed if I don't get enough answers to fill it up. So write in!