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RPG Classics Mailbag

Yo. Ozzie here, filling in for Cidolfas... he's stomped off somewhere. He's depressed that so few people wrote in... I'd feel sorry for him except for the fact that he's keeping me here against my will, not feeding me, making me listen to Celine Dion records... so let's just say I'm filling in while he's, ahem, enjoying himself.

*comes out of a corner* Remmber, I'm watching thee!

DAMN! Forgot about you... grumble grumble...

You did, huh? *take out a Turbo-Plasma Rifle* Remmber that I'm here and don't dare to forget it again!...Now get crackin'!*crank the gun*

Er! Fine, fine... urk... Anyway, our question for this week was... well, it was pretty damn lame. It was a ripoff of last week's question. So here it is: "What movie/film (live or animated) do you think would make a great RPG and why?" I dunno why no one thought of James Bond... or something. These are all pretty crappy responses...

Well, I'm back from the bathroom, and... Ozzie?! Who said you could take over?

AUGH! Oz... Ozzie's in a pickle!

Ah, quit it. I'm too depressed to worry about it. Lunaris, just give him a tickle for now.

AWWWWWWRIGHT! *take out his Fries Rifle Mark 5(TM) and nails him like no towmorrow*


Okay, then... our first response this week was... Rirse again, huh? Suuurre.

Well good job on the last update Cidofas(hope it isn't a typo this time).

Should we tell him?

Well... we can be subtle about it...

Sure! Subtle is my middle name!

Good enough?

Not exactly what I had in mind, but it does the trick.

Now that the king of the typo(Lunaris)and the dumb pig guy(Ozzie, not Ganon) is working for you, then nobody can screw up the bag anymore.

You saide it! I'm the king! KING! Not the Master anymore! Where my royalties?!

DUMB PIG GUY?! Excuse *me*, I'm a Mystic! Let's see ya put your money where your mouth is!

So you want to prove you're not dumb, then?

There's nothing to prove! I *am* the greatest!

Heh, okay... outsmart this, then! *presses a console button*

You know, I'm sure there's something in my contract about this... *falls through a plot hole*

Of course there is! See, subparagraph 14, clause 6c) "The signer gives Cidolfas every right to shove him down plot holes by his capricious whims." I'd never allow a contract to be without it. Oh wait... did I end that in the middle of a concept?

Not even goof up Edward or Ozzie two idoit sidekicks, Flea and Slash.

Well, I guess they can try...

Hey, we're here to mess up the mailbag!

And I like to be called Gilbert. It's original.

Halt, fiends! I, Cidolfas, shall knock you all down!

Hah, right! What can a geek like you do?

Me? I don't have to do anything at all! Lunaris?

Don't have to tell me twice!*take out a Triple Rocket Laucher in one hand and his NEW Pepsi Sprayer and shoot them. They get blowed in the distance half desintegrated.*

Good triumphs once again!

...Or at least that very specialized good that comes from Cidolfas.

Anyways after Ozzie bite the head off a vampire, I will talk about the topic of "What movie/film (live or animated) do you think would make a great RPG and why?"

...Can we just skip past the rest of this? This guy freaks me out.

Don't worry, Ozzie, he does that to everyone. You get used to it.

I would choose Star Wars (annoy Yoda Story, since it isn't a true RPG). You know the story of a long time ago, blah blah blah. Anyways, it would take place after Jedi (not in those novels), about a totally new story of Luke and the gang fighting a new enemies. The other member are tooken prisoner, except for Luke. He then join up with aliens and human on the planet he stuck on. Make a long story stort, the last boss is Emepeor Palatine revie and stuff.

Neat idea. Although the movies already released could probably make decent RPGs in and of themselves; you don't have to revert to reviving people and doing a Titan A.E. ripoff.

Ohhh... but that's so much FUN!

Not for people who haven't gone through it themselves, Ozzie.


And Macc tend to let people slide on slightly off topic mail. And can I star sometime in the bag. You got my sprite from Mysidia.

Yeah, he did that. But here, the only person who can slide off topic is ME! HAHAHAH!

Don't be stupid. You let *everyone* slide off topic!

Shhhh! You're gonna give away my secret!

What? You mean that you're really a spy from Square looking to sue everyone for copyright infringement? Gumppphhh!

*stuffs a sock in his big mouth* Ha, ha, ha, what a sense of humour on the guy, folks. Let's just ignore him for a bit. Anyway, as for starring in the mailbag, you'd have a better chance of getting in Macc's HQ. You can star by sending in replies to questions, that's good enough. 8-) The only person who gets an image on here is Macc, by default. If he should ever choose to reply to a mailbag, that is. Anyway, on to reply number two. This one is by, er... Captain Jackass. Well, that says it all, I guess.

my pick for the films that should be made into an RPG are the two sequels of Sam Raimi's legendary B-movie "Evil Dead", "Evil Dead 2" and "Army of Darkness". It'd be very similar to the Legend of Zelda or Terranigma, only instead of Link or Ark, the player would control Ash, the main character in the series. Some re-tooling of the actual plots could be done to add special tools and such, but the basic idea would remain intact.

The first half would be "Evil Dead 2", moving from part to part, collecting weapons like chainsaws and shotguns, slaying the evil demons and hunting Ash's severed, possessed hand. At the end of the first half, Ash is sucked into the time warp to medieval England at the end of "Evil Dead 2" and into the beginning of "Army of Darkness". In this final part of the game, Ash must search out the Book of the Dead, then fight the final battle against "Bad Ash" and his horde of undead.

Nice idea, nice indeed. Especially since they just came out with a FPS-type game based on the Evil Dead movies; it'd be a nice career move, don'cha think?


What do you mean, "only if they want to end their careers"?

Take that damned stinky sock off. Not that I care about him...but I just HATE to listen peoples repating themselfs. Just make me mad....

Oh, me too. I absolutely hate people who repeat themselves over and over and over again. And I don't like folks to are repetitive, either. Or dudes who just like saying the same things over and over and over...

BLURG!*take out his Super Ultra Debil Mental Foam Hammer Of All Creation(TM!) and smash him on the head*

Thanks. I needed that. *removes the sock* Now shut up.

Shutting up now!

Still... this Evil Dead thing kind of reminds me of something... now what was it... slasher zombie enemies, spooky locales...

Parasite Eve.

There we are. I dunno, I don't think we need TWO freaky RPG series out there. Still, to each his own. On to our next submission, by DaRkEpYoN, whose Shift key is broken.

I think South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut would make for quite an interesting RPG. Saddam Hussein could be the final boss. And Cartman's limit break could be where you select from a list of obscenities (the higher the level, the more options) and combine them, and the harder the profanity the stronger the electrical blast dealt to the enemy. Stan could just puke, and Kenny... I guess he could kill himself and cause a big explosion.

Coming from someone who abhors South Park, and not just because he's a Canadian, I have to exercise restraint and say that this submission sucks. Besides that... there'd be no challenge. Kenny never stays dead, so you'd never see the Game Over screen. QED. And anyone who'd want to spend 40 hours in this kind of a world is sicker than I'd like to know about.

Oh, I dunno. It has a kind of charm.

Yeah, the kind of charm where you want to completely incinerate your console and anything else in a five-mile radius. On to the next reply, by Geo121. I dunno if that's the same Geo from the RPGC board, but if it is... well, I don't think I ever said a word to him either, so hello either way.

One movie that would make a great RPG is Ghostbusters. Sure, it may have been tried in the past, but now, the technology is there to make it the best RPG ever. The movie has the element for random battles: ghosts. They use cool equipment, and as a vehicle, you would drive the Ecto-1 around New York. With the money you make busting the ghosts, you could buy a new headquarters, or use it to upgrade the Ecto-1 and your weapons.

Ya know, although I might not actually like to play it, this is the first idea that actually makes sense for an RPG. There's definitely some possiblities for prolonged gameplay in there, as well as the fact that it already has humour in the franchise, so it (might) be entertaining also. Unfortunately, the chance of reviving a 15-year-old series is somewhere in the negatives. Still, if you ever end up heading your own RPG company and use this in one of your games, remember who thought of it first.


No, ME! Anything that gets printed here becomes my property, didn't you know? It's the least I can get after Macc threw that damn reploid voodoo curse on me...

Threw a what?

I dunno. Ever since I took over this mailbag, everyone's been blaming me for everything. It started out innocently in Mysidia, then it spread to the RPGC board, and then my family started doing it - without anyone from any of the three places reading any of the other parts. It's starting to freak me out. So I came to the logical conclusion that Macc installed a reploid voodoo curse on the mailbag so anyone who came after him would look worse than he did.

It's not like he needed THAT to achieve that effect.

Sure, rub it in why don't you? I'm just waiting for World War III to explode and every finger in the civilized world will be pointing right at me. Who's gonna be laughing then?


I'll remember that. On to our next buddy, Gryzz203.

With this Mailbag topic, I'm tempted to send in my last Mailbag Answer, but only because I believe there was a Lassie movie and a Flipper movie. I'm not going to do that, but only because that's really cheap. Anyway, I'd turn a Marx Brothers movie into a RPG. You'd get to go around as Groucho, Chico, Harpo, and Zeppo causing all sorts of hijinks. Of course the game would have to be in black and white.

For your next Mailbag topic, it should probably be "What RPG would make a good movie or television show and why?" Very original.

What are you trying to say? Are you trying to say I'm not original? Are you trying to say I think of lame topics for my mailbags? Huh? Is that it?

Yeah, I think that's it.

Oh. Er, anyway, a Marx brothers RPG. I know they had a Three Stooges game for the NES, but I really can't imagine what kind of things would go into a Marx Brothers RPG... maybe they'd just rope in their distant cousin Karl Marx to be the villain. (Or hero, depending on your views.) And as for RPGs making movies... there's a Final Fantasy movie coming out this year, for those who've spent the last one in a cardboard box.

And no one knows how even that one'll turn out, so...

Yep. Video games usually make horrible movies, so let's just keep away from that field, shall we? Well... the FF movie will hopefully be a bit better than usual, at least from what I've seen. But onwards: our last (yep, last) reply comes from Megaman984. Hey, I remember him!

I think that they could turn any Western movie into an RPG. It starts like this: A stranger wanders into town. He gets in the way of the local bad guy and captures the heart of the villain's love interest. There could be gunfights, Injun shootings, gunfights, horse riding, gunfights, bar room brawls, gunfights, and bowlegged walking. Did I mention gunfights? And at the very end, the hero rides with his sweetheart into the sunset... Then burns up because of the imense heat.

Well, I think that might not work for a few reasons. First off, the time they tried doing that they came out with Wild Arms, which could have been WAY better if they had more gunfights. But you thought of that. Second, it's too cliched. (Uh, sorry, which way to the RPG discussion mailbag?) Third, there aren't enough gunfights. Erm...


Right, fourth... um, those sunsets aren't real, they're just props. People never get burned up, they just bang into them. So there's no WAY this'd work. What an idea, huh!

On another note, I think that not many people responded because you were actually working with a deadline on last week's Mailbag.

Wait a second, wait a second. But I'm gonna be on a deadline for the rest of the mailbags too! Does that mean NO ONE'S gonna reply? This could get bad... really bad...

Hah! If they don't like it, we'll just... push it off a week! Bwahahah!

Yeah, could do, could do... we might have to do that if we don't get enough replies to the following question. Like I said, I'm gonna try to switch off between funny and serious. So our first "serious" mailbag question is about villains. I've been hearing a lot of flak about Kuja from FF9 and how he didn't fulfill the role of a villain, but I personally liked him a lot despite that. As for you, what do you think the role of a villain is? How do you think it should be filled? How much of a difference does it make? Does a game even need a villain? And who are your favorite villains? (Try to get ones besides Kefka/Sephiroth, please.) The place to trash your responses is Write in! Or you don't get to watch this debacle next Sunday night! (Don't forget: just because it's a "serious" question doesn't mean you have to give a serious answer.)





* a few minutes later, once everyones gone*

*peek back in*!...I would take this moment to that no Flea/Slash/Gilberts din't been harmed during this mailbag. They crashed loudly in the middle of a magma crater. Have a good day!*leave*