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RPG Classics Mailbag

Woo-ey! Lots of interesting responses this time around, although oddly people seemed to harp on the same subjects. To reiterate, our goal this evening is to ascertain what would happen if an RPG character would be dumped on the streets of a given city on Earth, and forced to get a job. Corniness abounds. Be warned, some of this is not in the best taste. Then again, it never really is, so *shrug*. Without further ado...

Awww, come on. Can we just have a bit more ado?

Well, all right. What do you want to ado about?

*I* dunno. You're the mailbag-boss-head-man-thingy.

Er, okay... hey, how about this? After shaving off my beard yesterday, I started thinking a bit. Now that in itself is something to celebrate, but in this instance I was thinking about bearded RPG characters. Notice that there aren't a lot of them, and 99% of the ones that ARE there are over 80 and either master wizards or total losers? No one ever has a beard in RPGs, despite the fact that they're usually in midieval settings and therefore people *would* have beards. The only person with a beard in an RPG below 80 was Guildenstern from Vagrant Story, but that in itself is just a testament to its authenticity, which I always go on about. So come on, Square! Next FF, the hero's going bearded!

...That was a frickin' strange ado.

I do my best... on to our first reply, by... um, Booken! Another newcomer! But since he's on the messageboards so much I only give him two exclamation marks. !!

First, I say hi to Cidolfas, Lunaris AND Ozzie. (and to other guess that could be in)

Nope, no guests. Anyone want to volunteer?

Don't give me ideas Cid....

Edgar, from FF6, will gonna be a Repairman. The experience he got with tools should be usefull. he will Suceed because he could repair anything, and there more. With it's galantery, edgar will offer Half-Price to women.

As for Sabin, he will be a teacher for an Martial Art. Kid should love him.

And Setzer? He would build an Airship and go from Casino to casino. But he will get badluck and lose all, the last thing remaining should be the Airship.

Another thing, i forgot the last Mailbag Entry, and i hope you let me show my idea.
My Idea for Magic system is what i call :"Spell Recipe"
At first, the caracters will have 1 or 2 spell, but as he got level, he got Magic Parts.
Elementals Parts are common, and is drop from Monster. a Red Dragon could drop 3 Fire Parts, and A Water
Elemental, 4 water Parts. There are spell Recipe, that when you mix the right amout of Magic Parts, he got a new spell.
There gonna be :
Fire Parts
Water Parts
Thunder Parts
Holy Parts
Unholy Parts
Ice Parts
And so one

Here are exemple.
4 Fire, 4 Water ---> Rain of Fire
2 Fire, 1 holy----> Holy Fire
2 Holy ---> Cure
1 holy, 1 water---> Remedy
3 Fire, 3 Thunder, 3 Ice ---> Tri-Elemental Blast

The Ultimate Magic gonna be 5 Parts of each
And the strongest Spell of a element much have 10 Parts

That's actually a pretty neat idea; kind of like a blown-up version of Secret of Evermore. However, I take offense at the idea that Setzer would lose everything he has. He'd probably know how to out-cheat half of Vegas, methinks. Next up is Zulpes, also known as Kramerrn. Sorta.

Hello, once again, Dear Cidafloss! (Gimmie the green smily, dengit! >.<)

Cidafloss! Damn, that's funny... heh. That's too funny to get a Messup sign. Sorry, try again!

...You're sadistic.

Well, I try.

Ah, it has been to long since my last entry.. Or, to some people, not long enough, but that's besides the point... The point is, I have decided to grace thine presence with mine, so.. um.. be happy, or something, I guess.
Anyway, today's question, for repeating purposes is: If you had the choice of transplanting an RPG character into the real world, how would they live, what would they do, and how good would they do it? Well, I would choose... Ozzie.
Why? I have no idea... But I'd choose him nonetheless.
Anyway, I believe he'd be very successful. Why, he'd be unmatched in what he does. He'd be the best of the best, and no one would be able to touch him..
*Expectant Pause*

Sigh... oh, all right... I'm scared to ask. What will I be doing, exactly?

Yes, Ozzie would be the best McDonalds Fry Cook ever.
Every day he'd go to work, put on his little paper hat, and get to it. Fries would be made by the hundreds. Every burger would be expertly flipped. Yes, happy meals would be extra happy, for he would be the best. But still he would dream, dream the unattainable dream, of being granted that which he strived for the most...
Cashier duty.
Of course, being that Ozzie's so.. er.. chubby, and quite likely to scare small children, he would never achieve this dream, and be kept far back in the building, stuck at a fryer far away from the public eye. And thus, every day, Ozzie would go home, taking with him the thirty or so burgers that nobody ate that day, and he would dream, dream of being the one chosen to stand beside the cash register, the one trusted enough to say those sacred words... "Would you like fries with that?"
It almost brings a tear to my eye.
Good luck, Ozzie, you mystical pig lizard thing! You can achieve your dream, as long as you try! Good luck!
*Runs off, singing praises to Ozzie and his little paper hat*

Sniff... that's so... touching... and not such a bad job, either! Free food! Mwahahahah!

Um... Ozzie?


It's a job... flipping burgers. You know? The metaphor everyone gives for the worst possible job? Flipping burgers?

It's all in how you look at things.

Sure. Come to think of it, who would want a mystical pig lizard handling their hamburgers? Yuck!

Like they could be any more disgusting than they already are. And hey! Will everyone please stop trying to ascertain what my species is?! I'm ME, that's who I am! You don't see me trying to figure out your sexual orientation, now do you?

Um... good thing, too. Next onto Dragonier, who, though he referred to himself as Dragonier throughout the e-mail, signed it "Ogre Battle". Does this mean he thinks he's a dragon inside Ogre Battle? Or that he's battling an ogre and a dragon? Or that he just likes Queen songs? Perhaps we shall never know...

Hi, Dragonier signing in here, so this week's mailbag is about bringing an RPG character into the real world and how their life would be. Am I correct Cidolfas?

If you weren't, you'd have green smiley in your face, bud!

Well, I would bring Cloud of FF7 here. Cloud wouldn't have any real job skills, so he would have to work as a bag boy at Farmer Jack while living in a rundown rat-infested apartment eating green beans right out of the can. Thinking about how his life used to be so much better before an insane wizard (me) brought him to this cesspit of a planet.

Of course, he would then grab his Materia Blade and seek me out to exact revenge for his pitiful life (which I think was pretty pitiful before he came here anyway. I mean he was a damn soldier who couldn't remember his past that had nothing better to do than try to destroy a large company and save the world. And people say I have no life. Of course, all the women on the planet would want the guy that saved them from destruction. Ok maybe his life wasn't that bad). Cloud would attack me, but since he forgot to bring any Materia or armor along, I would easily vaporize him with a dragon breath attack.

This just shows that with a serious lack of sleep, I can turn a semi serious topic into a pathetic mockery of what it once was.

Pathetic mockery of what it WAS... huh? Ozzie, what did this topic used to be, exactly?

A pathetic mockery. Why? What'd you think it was?

No, that's what I thought too. I dunno, I think he's just confused.

So Cidolfas, I'd say this has been fun, but it hasn't. And about my last entry, I would have changed the gene system just enough so Capcom couldn't sue, or something.

Who am I sueing? Gene? Who's Gene? Whereizzy? I'll audit you till you're beggin' for energy tanks on the street, yer lily-livered...

Sigh... Lunaris, aren't you supposed to be my security team?

Well, yeah...but I had pity...I mean...I can't blast THE Blue bomber, right?

Sure you can! See, you just go... *grabs big humorously-sounding gun from Lunaris's hand and presses a random button*

AAUUUGHHH! *vaporizes*

One more life down... Not that tough, is it, Lunaris? Now you'll know for next time.

Anyway, this is Dragonier signing out. And this time you can't say I didn't sign in , so there.

Warp! Dragonier disappears in a flash of light, blinding Ozzie and Lunaris. Cidolfas is protected by his thick glasses.

P.S. I left an eyedrop behind cause I knew the flash would blind your two cronies. Lun and Ozzie can fight over it. Heh heh, now that should be interesting.

Hah! I already got sunglasses on!

You do?

Blame Square for using such damn small sprites.

So you can see fine, then?

About as well as I usually can. Sunglasses indoors don't help much in terms of eyesight, to tell the truth... but it is damn sexy!

O_o... NEXT! Megaman X! Um... let's just say we're incredibly insulted ahead of time, to save ourselves doing it later on, okay?

Unemployment offices for RPG Characters...


I won't comment on countless females that would find themselves...on the streets...doing...well, you know the rest. You probably got fifty of those |-P

As a matter of fact I didn't. Oddly enough, you were the only person sick enough to think other people would be that sick. Er, except for one other person, but there's always one.

1. Kefka: Duh! A Circus clown! Until he gets sick of his job and blows the tent to hell...but it'd be FUN! |-P

2. Gilbert AKA the origional SpoonyBard: Can't compare in ayn way to our version |-P: World Class LazerTag player. The way he hides, no one can shoot him.

3. Faris: DUH! A Ferris Wheel operator!


See, I can be silly too.

Not very well, apparently...

4. Katt: Can take *insert name of the actress*'s place in Miss Congenility! Hey, she looks cute, and you'd not expect her to be a killer magician, what with those crap MP...but make her mad, and...BOOM!

Sandra Bullock.

Sandra Bullock what?

*insert name of actress*. It's Sandra Bullock.

Uhh... yay?

5. The Marquis of Loanne from Romancing SaGa 3, Mikhail. Actually this doesn't really go by the rules, but perhaps you could apply this to real-life China around 200AD: have him star in the new version of KOEI's best selling Turn-Based Strategy series, Romance of the Three Kingdoms! He could have the 7th version star him and the rest of the RS3 crew! And Lunaris could also star! Err...I'm getting over my head...but Luanris' secret dream, right there...|-P

Actualy, Mikhail already tried that...But they din't accepted him: He was too good....And me? Star with THEM? Yeah right.....yes?.....

Then again, Macc, Zero and I could make a Rot3K Four: Wall of Fire hack:

Romance of the Three Reploids 4: Guys who set things on Fire.


6. And finally...pick the sassiest, most annoying person from FF3J, FF5, and FFT. And maybe Setzer too, but I prefer a female.

*insert Cid's response*


And have then host The Weakest Link! When the votes are cast, she can say, "You ARE the weakes link" then !Zeninage "Goodbye!"

That's all I got..the rest will have to rot outside on the streets...hmm, maybe they can pick up Tifa...oh well |-P

Just one thing. Who uses an entire line just for |-P? What a waste of blank space!

Great. First he's on a quest to save the exclamation marks, then blank space. What's next? Geez...

Nothing's next. You can't really get any pettier than saving blank space, really... Next is RPGClassics' very own Aussie stereotype, Otakon.

Well, I would have to say, that we could bring in Crono.
It would be interesting to see the results.
Mabie he will want to help to save the world, and since there is no end of world crisis, he could be one of those Phone people who stop people from commiting suicide.
Here would be the result-
*Ring Ring**picks up*
Man in need-Hello? Crisis line?
MIN-Yeah, Umn, anyway, you see, Ive been having drug problems you see...
MIN- Yeah, I know, I realise that Illicit drugs are not of any use unless your a Fallout character...

Vault Dweller surley became a regular of that line...He likes Mentats, whatcha want ?

MIN- Anyway, Its been destroying my life, trying to pay for the habit.My wife Has left me, my children no longer respect me, and I have hardly anything
left in this world to support me, and I ran out of cash for another shot..
MIN- Hmm... you think?
MIN- Well, I dont know, Ive tried quitting before, but that... crashing feeling I get, its overwhelming...
MIN- Really man? You think so? Those are the most encouraging words Ive ever heard in m life... my own mother probably would never of thought of it.
MIN- You know what, your absolutly right! Ill do it! As of this moment, Im going to fight for world peace! Im turning over a new leaf!

And he could also be a sports commentator-
Commentator-And this soccer match is really starting to look bad for the blue side! My oh my! Crono, your thoughts?
Com-My thoughts exactly! It really too bad, the Red side Is slaughtering them!
Com- No way, I dont think it will ever happen. Red lead 5-0.
Com- Ha! shows how much you know Crono. you wanna bet that Red will lose?
Com-Your on! Crono has bet $1000 on that Blue will win the match!
Crono- ...
Com- You might as well give me the money now, crono, no amount of put downs is ever going to make Red lose!
Crono-*waits till half time, where upon he walks up to the blue team and whipsers something to each of them.*
BT-Crono! Your not serious! you really will! ok, guys lets do it!
Chrono-*walks up to the red team and tells them all soething*
RT-Err.. umn.... Shit, Cronos right.....
*the game starts once more*
Com- Oh my! what a turn of events! The Red team have absolutely no enthusiasm!
And the Blue team have gotten a sudden surge of power!
*after the match*
Com- My oh my! Blue team wins, 20-5.
Com- Oh well, It looks like you really do have a way with words Crono- $1000 dollers as promised.

Crono would probably bring upon world peace if we gave him half a chance.
Id do a little something with that too.. but Im too lazy. Mabie Ill see if I can encorperate it with another episode of the mailbag. ^_^.
Untill then, This is Otakon, Saying,
*crowd of beuatiful woman run up to him and start to kiss him to death*

What can I say, I have a way with words!

Ozzie, who ordered a crowd of beautiful women?


Sheesh... I can't take you anywhere, can I?

I haven't gone anywhere. I'm still here.

Maybe you're cooped up just a little too much, then... Next we see LiteYear's take on the Crono oddysee. He has quite a different approach...

*Gate appears in the middle of the room*

Yeah, I know this isn't original, but I've had alot of pressing matters to attend to. Be happy that I am gracing you with my presence this week.

Um... why would I be, exactly?

First off, you got me all wrong when I said I will rule your mailbag. You still put in long hours, make no pay, and get to hang out with lame RPG characters. All you have to do to acknowlege my rulership on the mailbag is to read the LiteYearien Declariation at some point of each mailbag. Until I make it better, it currently reads "LiteYear is your ruler and your only god!". Failure to do so will result in Ozzie getting destroyed in a pacticular worse fashion that you could ever come up with.

Ah, Ozzie's indestructible. What fun would it be to have a sidekick that goes and gets killed halfway through? I mean, come on. And my religion prevents me from announcing anybody else as a god, no matter how big a club with nails in it he is holding to my head.

Anyway, since I missed you last mailbag, I must respond to it. *Reads the unwritten Mailbag code*

Hey! I never saw any unwritten mailbag code!

That's 'cause it's unwritten.

But wouldn't *I* have not written it?

Good point... I think.

If I was to make a magic system, I would almost copy Pokémon's, where a element can be weak and/or strong to more than one. Of course, you'd have to RPG-itize that format. Also, certian character can only learn 2 or 3 elements, so you would need a party well diversed in skills to even have a chance. Of course, in this RPG, only magic could damage the enemy, so the Fight command would be disabled, and replaced with a non-damaging skill, like Steal.

Ok, this week topic is....ummmm...*materializes a cue card out of thin air* oh yeah. Hey, wait a sec, hasn't this been done before?

Ok, if I ad to bring a character to this world, I'd bring Crono just for the humor factor.
First, say he went to McDonalds...*daydream sequence begins*
McD's Lady: Hello, may I take your order?
Crono: ...
McD's Lady: Look, I said may I take your order?
Crono: ...
McD's Lady: Are you deaf? Tell me what you want!
Crono: ...
McD's Lady: Look, bastard, are you going to order something, or not?
Crono: ...! *Takes out his Rainbow, and chops the Lady's head off*
McD's Manager: *walks ...WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
Crono: ...
McD's Manager: You know what, just come back here and take what you want.
Crono: ... *Takes two french fries fron the big pile, and walks out of the resturant.*
McD's Manager: ...
*end daydream sequence*
Crono would continue his life like this, getting what ever he wants and/or slicing people's heads off. Crono wouldn't need a job, as he could use his Lightning to power his, and the whole neibourhood's houses. Crono would live the life of a millionare, as anything he wants, he would get. Crono would die in his late 60's, due to depression at having no challenges in life.

Well, that's my take on the life of an RPG character. Until next week, good-bye!

*Disappears in a flash of light, leaving only smoke at where he was a second ago.*

*Cough cough*... Lunaris, clean that smoke up. Geesh, it's bad enough you have to do corny exits, do you have to pollute as well? Now you're REALLY killing our planet!!!!! Damn! Tough habit to break, I'll have you know... anyway. I think Crono might run up against what we technically call "laws", you know... like not killing people, et cetera. But who am I to try to figure out your brain processes? Next is good ol' Feathy, who's the other sick person who mentions Tifa.

Hi, Feathy here. Today I'll get right down to business. Is that ok with you guys? Good.

Have you noticed how people ask me questions then don't let me answer them? That's pretty stupid, isn't it, Ozzie?


MAN is that stupid!


Now, I get to do two characters since I'm special. They're both from Final Fantasy VII.

Why I have a bad feeling... ?

First off: Barret. He would live a good life, since he'd be so rich. How would he get so rich? He'd be Mr. T's understudy, an apprentice if you will. Then one day, Barret will "accidentally" kill Mr. T. Crazy, isn't he. He'll give an outstanding eulogy for Mr. T at the funeral attended by millions of adoring fans. Then, he'll surprise everyone by jumping through a piece of cardboard and announcing himself as the second Mr. T, Mr. B! Or Mr. W, if you want. So, Mr. B would go on to become even more rich and famous than Mr. T. His catch-phrases would be "yo spiky ass" and "$%^*!". That's right, dollar percent carat asterisk exclamation. Mr. B would NEVER EVER die. So Barret/Mr. B would eventually RULE THE WORLD! Mwahahahaha!
Second: Tifa. She'd be Mr. B's ho.

Ummm... I thought Mr. T was immortal?

I pity da foo' that tries to take on Mr. T!

...You're fired.


Just kidding. Hah! Our last and most depressing reply comes from Tyrant Despot. Fitting, no?

Greetings and salutations Cid! Remember me? I know, I know, I haven't been around in a while... you know, I've been executing rebels, ruling the world, using my Iron Fist... all that good stuff. Tee hee hee! ^_^

That makes... what, three ultimate tyrants who've written in? Makes you wonder how they don't step on each other's toes when pursuing world domination.

Anyways, on to the topic. I'm sure that most of the responses you get will be about Tifa... blah blah blah, she's so hot, blah blah blah, becomes a model, blah blah blah, wish she was real... Its so overdone, ne? So I'm going to go with something on the other end of the spectrum... hows about...

Edward, the spoony bard!

Edward! Why, you wonder, does he choose Edward? I bet you're laughing, and there's the idea. He's be absolutely pitiful. Well, let us pluck Edward from his chivalrous (yeah right) FF4 life and drop him right in the middle of Manhattan. Now, Edward will be absolutely bewildered at all the sights and sounds of the city, so he'll do what he does best: he'll hide! For hours, days even, until a need for food arises. He'll try to get a job at a coffee house (because of his lute skills), but will get laughed off the stage and plastered with tomatoes and beer bottles. He'll try to swoon with his "social charm", but end up with only a black eye and a fat lip. Of course, his odd attire will go over quite well in a city with such odd fashion taste... Eventually, he'll turn to crack and end up as a homeless bum on the street, asking for money and trying to tame his imaginary "ant lions". Pretty sad story, ne?

Horrible, just horrible! Geesh. Useless characters in RPGs turn into useless people in real life. How depressing. On a lighter note, that's two people who thought everyone would write in about Tifa and only one person who actually did. Since I'm bored, I'll give Feathy the following:

That felt good. I haven't used that in weeks. -_- Anyway, for next week: Another corny topic (man, we're just beltin' them out) from Jarlaxle. If an RPG character could host a game show, which show would it be, and how would a sample episode go? You may have won 1.2 trillion dollars, so just send a couple thousand to and we'll get you started!





Tell me, why does the Chatroom #rpgclassics alway have Phisiolophical discutions there? Anoter mistery of life....