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RPG Classics Mailbag


Oh, quit complaining. You're doing great.


Hi everyone. As you can see, our team's working hard to clean the place up after Celes and her goons trashed it last week.


Of course, I could just get Lunaris to use his patented flame thrower to clean everything up... but I'm trying to keep the scorch marks to a minimum. You don't get upholstery like that any more, no sirree.

What upholstery? All we got is bare walls and floors!

Shh! Don't talk about things you don't understand. And watch out for that - ooh. I think you'll need a new mop.


Heehee... ahem. I asked people to send in ideas about an RPGs starring themselves. Obviously a lot of the stuff I got will make no sense since we know nothing about these people's lives. But hey, if you could sit through last week's mailbag, you'll have no problems with this one! Er, as an example, here's something I got from Cloud Strife.

What's up?

Up? Not much, any more... we've got a contractor coming in to put in a new ceiling...

Heya! Itsa me, Mario!

Scratch that. We don't need a new ceiling. *presses large square blue button marked "DO NOT PRESS UNLESS VISITED BY MARIO"* *small turtle falls from the ceiling on Mario's head*

AAAHHHH! *disappears*

Koopa on the noggin... Remember, kids, only try this if you know the infinite life trick!

My RPG would be like a comic.

1.Waffle Ryebread(That's me).
2.Ruffle Ryebread.

1.Sonic Waffle.
2.Erik van Ruffle.
3.Firefly Fred.
4.Alfred Squirrel.
More to come....

It's about a Star Wars/Zero Wing/Xenogears/Final Fantasy RPG.
I'll work on the plot and skills of the characters.

And I am *very* glad he didn't send me the enhanced version. *shudder* Let's get things rolling again with Stus. Come on, come on, we don't got all day here!

If I where to star in an RPG it would have to be a re-make of Diablo II in which I would leave most of the enemies in tact except the end of level bosses would have to be changed:-

To replace Andariel I would use Ozzie, not because hes powerfull or particully easy but like everybody knows the first major boss should be a real walkover

Pushover! Pushover! No one walks over me! Jeez, being insulted by someone who can't even speak English... hah!

*pushes Ozzie over then walks over him*


To replace Duriel I would use Barney. thats right the big gay dinosaur look at him, he is the spawn of Saiten cast up from hell for even his own father could stand his gibberings, "2 plus 2 is 4, 2 plus 2 is 4". Does he not deserve to die? the answer is yes before somebody interjects.

To replace Memphisto I would have the abomination that is Dr Warr (many of you will not know who Dr Warr is, you are the lucky ones he is a maths teacher at my school). Anybody that has had to sit through a lesson with him on pure mathmatics will know instantly why his death must occure.

To finish the game there is however one last hurdle which is the replacement for Diablo aqnd his name is .........................(I know the suspence is killing you)..................... Tony Blair. I also relaise to many people not blessed with residency in the UK (or an intermate knowledge of British Politics) you will probably not know who the hell he is. He is the present primeminister here and is likely to be re-elected by the time this mail bag is up but he is the world champion smarm master and he must pay for his crimes against our sanity (not least of all mine).

Of course after defeating such a cast of evil no gooders I would need to have one impresive FMV ending for my heroic feet which would logically be (as for any insane madman) me bieng appointed ruler of the world.

That concludes my rant and rave for this week untill next time.

Next time? Next time?! Good God, no! Did I say there'd be a next time? Er, since I've never played Diablo I can't comment too much on this bit either. I'm gonna be saying that a lot, so let's just copy that and paste it later, hmm hmm... OK, done. Let's see... here's LiteYear's reply...

*The ever useful gate appears in the center of the room*

Meh heh heh! I'm bbbbbbbbaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccccckkkkkkkk!

I gotta check on that anti-gate security system I installed...

Oops, I knew I forgot something...

Jeez! What am I paying you for already?

Heh, you're not paying me! I'm just doing this to watch Ozzie get smashed every week!

Well... it's a costly smash, d'you hear? Get cracking!

Yeah, yeah... I'll get on it... *falls asleep*

It's so hard to get good help these days... sigh...

*Looks around the room to see it still a mess from last week's mailbag* So this is the aftermath of having a homicidal monkey, a pink jelly type monster, among other people, and who is cleaning all this up?


Well, Ozzie, I have taken it into my own hands that Cid doesn't make you work hard enough, so I'm bringing in my own person to "motivate" you. *Gestures with his hand, and Crono appears by me*

Yes, it's Crono, and he has orders to chop you up into tiny peices if you don't cooperate with Cid.

*Crono chops Ozzie into tiny pieces*

There we go, doesn't that make everyone feel better?

Crono: It makes me feel important.


Oh, do I have to explain this again? Crono, contray to popular belief, is not mute. Instead, the programmers deleted everything he said, due to his boring speeches.


Crono: What? I am not boring! I developed my talking properties by one of the great..........

Cid! Only I may affect his speech!

Crono: Now you will pay, Cid! *Leaps at Cid, but is blown apart before he can reach him.*

No Cronos, Cids, or Ozzies were harmed in the making of this mailbag.

Oh well, that was fun, but I should get on to responding to the mailbag before you get Lunaris to try to blast me apart, making an even bigger mess for Ozzie.

Well, I have two. Both involve me, but one is an actual RPG (sort of), and one is a corny mailbox parodoy. Which one goes first?

Heh heh... mailbox, huh? We're getting upgraded! And what the heck's a paradoy?

Ok, the corny Mailbag/RPGC parodoy first.

The story would start with MMX having complete control over the site, and his moogle are running every department. Now I, being the oppurtinust I am, decide to strike X down and take over the site as my own. With my two party members, SOM Hero and Crono, I would slowly take over each section of the mailbag by defeating the Moogles in charge. When I have complete control of ever section but the main page, I would launch a final strike on X. X, being the non-confrontationalist that he is, would intercept me with his moogle army (the ones defeated ran back to X), and instead of fighting them, I would get the SOM Hero to use the Moogle Belt. This changes all moogles affected back into people, and the peope revealed would be...The RPGC Staff! With the RPGC staff reverted back to their normal forms, X and I would be forced to retreat, making this site safe again...for the time being...*ominus music in the background* Well, wha! t did you think of that?

...I think you belong in a room with padded walls.

I dunno... I liked it.

I think you should be there with him.

Well, who cares what YOU think?

Now for my second RPG, my "real" one.

First, you would start as a non-evil verson of me. An outcast from society, you would play as me growing up, and becoming adept in the mgical arts. You then would go exploring as me, finding caves for shelter, or hunting for food. One day, you would find a cave that houses a statue of great power. You then lay my hand on the statue, and the whole world explodes into a vortex leading to the very heart of where the 8 elemental planes (Fire, Ice, Wind, Storm, Earth, Light, Shdow and Thought) converge, making a plce where time is at a standstill, making me ageless in that era. You would build up you magical skill until you can control the very fabric of reality. Erecting a fortress on that place, you would then seek revenge against the humanity that viewed you as an outcast. However, things had changed since you had left, as cars now roam the streets, and multimillionires like Bill Gates virtually control the world. Thus begins ! the epic struggle of magic vs technology, to see if my training has paid of, and become ruler of the world! The struggle to take over the world would be the sequel to this wonderful game.


There you go, my life story made into an RPG, and my corny parodoy. *Ozzie reforms out of a puddle like the Terminator in T2: Judgement Day*

I said stay dead! *Increases air pressure into Ozzie's body, forcing him to explode in a icky manner.*

*Parts of Ozzie start to liqueify and converge.* All right, let's go Crono. *Vacuums up pieces of Crono, and then walks back into the gate.*

That was WAY too graphic for my taste.

Ooh! That tingled!

Go back to mopping up... sheesh. Hey, Rirse sent something in! Remember Rirse?

Well welcome back from your trip Cidlofas and I hope to see pictures soon of it(thanks to Celes for the last week mailbag).

CIDLOFAS? Damn you!!

Guh. So there. And no one's seeing any pictures of me... I don't want any crazed mailbag haters to see me on the street and throttle me. ("WHY DO YOU KEEP HURTING OZZIE? OZZIE IS MY FRIEND!")

Anyways, enough talking about the past and get on with the future.

Well the hero of the RPG other then myself would be my friend Mike Smith, Abbie my best friend, Sarah the anime girl, and Jen the head of the year book and all round cool person. The villians would be Mr. Henry the evil princepal who is trying to revive the late and evil Mr. Head, the former princepal. And the recuring annoying henchman boss(that a class founded by Ozzie and Ultros), would be the VERY evil Jack Cooper, the annoying teenager.

As I mention, the plot is about that the above mention Mr. Henry is trying to revive Mr. Head from the grave and is slowly turning the school into a world of darkness, like in Revoultion Persona, but not as cool. While this happens, your friend form a strange ally to fight back the evil of the place in one lame game from Timelord Muk Inc that would never sell. And I know it would suck, so I added the super clich marthon of bad villians who have lame historys and other odd crap. Well seeya Cid and where did Ozzie go while you were gone?

I stuffed him and took him with me on my trip. I keep him nearby so I can throw him at things when vacations get too stressful.

Actually, it was kind of restful... can we do that again?

Next time I'm bringing my pincushion Ultros, too! Next up is... JesR12, apparently. And this one makes even less sense than anything else we've seen so far.

~Final Fantasy XXXXXXXXVIII~

~Cinitar(my Arem'dee name)~Main character, a 30 year old Lorean. He owns the power of the Materia orbs~

~Rhina the 100th~lover, a 10 year old dwarf who thinks Cinitar is hot. She can't do much except look ugly -__- ~

~Chu chu~ mouse, it's that lovable mouse from chu chu rocket... of course he was one of the many mouses which I named them all Chu chu. Special power- call for more chu chu power!~

~Cid~ the "Cid", There is always a "Cid." This one is a dwarf, because they are all dwarfs. Catches frogs...and eats them. Gains power from it.~


~Chuchu cat gang~ yea that's right it's those cats once again after chu chu.~

~Special Boss~

~Xeno~ that naked, woman-like, evil "thing" is back. This time "it" wants to destroy Cinitar.~


After the Xeno battle Cinitar settles down...

~10 years later~

Cinitar wakes one morning to see little mice running around. He finds the biggest one and asks it what wrong.

Chu chu "There is a naked lady terrerizing Chu chu's Rocket!"

Cinitar thinks to himself "XENO!"

Cinitar runs next door and finds Rinoa and tells her about Xeno. She decides to follow.

Cinitar runs to Cid's place and catches him eating frogs.

Cid "I'm becoming stronger!!!!"

Cinitar "Shup up! come on!"

Cinitar rounds everyone up and gives the missioni plan. They journey to Chu chu's rocket.


The Chu chu cat gang meets up with Cinitar and the rest and decide to kill them before they reach Chu chu's rocket.


Cinitar:Materia: Cinitar rips out the fire materia and throws it at a cat. it gives him a good size goose egg.

Cinitar "Why didn't he burn!"

Rinoa:ugly: Rinoa looks at a cat and it passes out.

Cid:Frog Spit: Cid begins chewing on a frog and spits it at a kitty.

Chu chu:run: he runs

cat1:wipe: the cat wipes the frog off him

cat2:wake up: the cat recovers from Rinoa's attack

Leader cat:eat: he eats Chu chu. (Another Chu chu comes)

Cinitar:Materia: he tosses ultima at the same cat. This time it puts the cat in a coma.


Cid:Axe: Cid attacks with an axe and kills cat2

Chu chu:sacrafice: Chu chu lets leader cat eat him so Cinitar can finish him off.

leader cat:eat: eats Chu chu. (Another one comes)

Cinitar:Materia: Cinitar throws all the materia at him. and breaks his scull open then many Chu chus come and feast on it's brain.

~End Battle~

The enter Chu chu's rocket.

Soon they find Xeno in Chu chu's rocket.

Xeno "Hello Cinitar"

Rinoa looks at Xeno and Xeno looks back. They both instantly perish due to each other's looks. Cinitar cheers because that stupid 10 year old is gone. Chu chu cheers because Xeno's dead. And Cid cheers because he wants to.

No, seriously, if ANYONE understood any of that at all, I'd *really* like to know... O_o Maybe Neo-Dan will be a bit more easy on the brain...

This is Neo-Dan telepo-ing in!

IT Danman5311!!! Let all give him a good round of applauses!

If I were to star in my own RPG I would be the main villain!!!! I am pure evil you know! Anyway, the heroes would be that sissy boy Dan, who used to write to the mailbag (not any more heheheh!), Cecil another sissy boy from Final Fantasy IV, hmmm....This is harder than I thought! How about we put that annoying, insult to all villains everywhere, Kefka, in with the heroes! Let's see, I think I'll be fair and give the player at least some choice in who he wants for a party. I'll add that "chicken-wuss" Zell to the hero's group. Then I'll give them a break...naw might as well put Edward in there for good measure! That little kid Black Mage...what was his name? Oh yeah Wiwi...oops...I'm sorry Vivi...wait!!! What am I being sorry for??????? I'm pure EVIL HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So I have a fair fight, I'll add the toughest villains known to man to my arsenal. My main man, my cry to crime will none other than that villain to end all villains you know him, I love him, Neo X-Death! Plus I'll have Sephiroth, Ozzie (the guy's my best friend in the world), Exdeath, and Lavos (you just can't kill this guy!). I think the heroes will be very worn out by the time they get to me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Let's see now...this RPG would basically be about a group of people from different worlds who focus on a common goal: to rid the universe of the most powerful villains ever (I'm the most powerful obviously!)! The story would begin on Earth where Dan is suddenly transported to another world. After traveling through five different worlds the player will guide the heroes to me! This is the fun part! If the heroes lose I get control of the universe, if they win well, they won't!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

????:That's what you think!!!!
Neo-Dan:Th..that voice!!!
????:That's right it's Dan!!!
ND:Oh, too bad! I guess I'll just have to kill you!!!!
Dan:Just try!
ND:Better yet! I'll send you from Earth to another world!!!!!
Dan:Ok, go right ahead! :::winking:::
ND:Here I go! :::TELEPO:::
ND:What?! Oh well, this is Neo-Dan Telepo-ing out!

Okay... I understood that. It was severely demented, but at least understandable. Hey, I get to star in the next one! By Jarlaxle, this is.

Since Cid didn't put me in the last mailbag (bad Cid), then there was the guest mailbag, then this one was late, here's my (usually regular) submission.

Aura of Night

Jarlaxle - Main character. Handsome, skilled with the sword, with more magical items than you can imagine.
Macc Maverick - Jarlaxle's main sidekick. One cool dude.
General Leo - Macc's 4th cousin. Great fighter and leader.

Ozzie - Foil of Jarlaxle. Evil being who will stop at nothing to destroy Jarlaxle.
Reno - Ozzie's flunkie. Typical "Yes man."
Cidolfas - Evil force guiding Ozzie from afar. Ozzie's powers come from Cidolfas, who is so evil that anything living that comes within 5,000 miles of him withers and dies instantly.

So THAT's what happened to my potted plants! I was wondering!

Cidolfas went to Gaia and destroyed the planet by walking on it. He then established a bastion of darkness, setting up Reno as his General on Gaia. He then sent Ozzie to Terra to conquer it and give Cidolfas a life-giving planet from which to run his dark operation, the "Aura of Night" from an illusory life-giving facade. Ozzie inhabited a bad kingdom in which Prince Jarlaxle (that's me) and his best friend, Macc Maverick, the good King Lunaris' prized sharpshooter, chased Ozzie out of the Kingdom after he nearly controlled it. General Leo of the Parrillyan Army on the other side of the world, found Ozzie when he fled, and contacted Prince Jarlaxle and Macc Maverick and brought them to Parrillya, where they disposed of Ozzie in a bloody heap. They then opened a gate to Gaia, destroyed Reno, and crumbled the Aura of Night when Prince Jarlaxle cast a spell on a Macc-Maverick-blast-weakened Cidolfas, and imploded him.

Victory to Jarlaxle, Macc, and Leo over Cidolfas, Ozzie, and Reno.

Ewww... I get imploded. Freaky. OK, sport, go learn RPGMaker 2000, make the game, then come back and I'll plug it on the mailbag. *grins evilly*

You need lotsa work on that, boy! You gotta have style in an evil grin! Like... MWAHAHAHAH! Like that.

I have style. I've got style out the wazoo. It's just not *your* style.

Hey... if you're the villain, what am I?


AUGH! Hey... you're grinning! Stay away from me! AUGH! *runs away*

Why didn't I think of that before? Hee hee... Last up is MegamanX2K's entry... oh no...

We're not allowed to introduce ourselves, so allow me to introduce my moogles!

Mog: Kupopo!!

Anyway, Cidoofus asks us to make our own RPG with US as the hero.

Hee hee hee... Cidoofus... HEY!

...he's a masochist, is what he is. First her asks Celes to do a bag, and now this. He's asking for it.

Well, you asked for it. Anyway, if anyone is familiar with the Rockman Dash series...

Dark Cid: *is still downloading the cut-out Xenogears scene*

...uhh, anyway, you'll know of a little game called The Misadventures of Tron Bonne. So, introducing "The Misadventures of MegamanX2K"! That's right, keep the flying castle up and running. Keep the moogles fed, excersized, leveled up, and put them through any one of the 36 classes in Honor Forces' unique class system. Enter the mailbag weekly. Keep your mad Super Metroid skillz up to date. Remember to always view your daily webcomics, especially Online Life, BobandGeorge and 8 bits. Experience realistic Ragnarok Buster force-feed action with the appropriate peripherals. Play bonus Lunaris games, where you serve him 128-ounce beer, mentats, and weapons. And, rank up posts on the Message Board.

As for villians? Well, defeat the evil Celes and save the world from her anti-Metroid message. Also, pulverize lots of 1337-speaking evildoers.

Hey, I lead a very hectic life, and you people'll see when you play it! |-P

Warning: Nightmares received by reading this mailbag are no fault of the mailbag man, nor are they the fault of the people who wrote in, who are nice. They're your fault, you wimp, so get over it. Oh, wait, there's a PS. D'you know, PS's don't really make sense on e-mails, 'cause they're post scripts, and this isn't delivered by post! Uh, anyway.

(P.S. I apologize for any Ragnarok marks my Buster might've left on the wall during Celes' escapade. My moogles and I will come over and clean it up promptly.)

WHAT? You mean... someone else offered to clean this place up... and you DIDN'T TELL ME?

Didn't I? Oops, I knew I forgot something... shucks!

GRUMBLE frickin' GRUMBLE, dammit!

Well, that was fun, but let's get back to business for next week. Sorry about this week's lateness, but it's kinda hectic here. I will certainly do my best to have it on time next week, but no guarantees. Next week's topic was sent in a while back by MegamanX2K, and since I'm running out of really cool topics I'll use it while I try to actually think of something else. And it is: What's the coolest job class you've ever played in an RPG and why? Or alternatively, you can make up a funny one and throw it at me. Send them on in to and you could be famous! Er, well, a handful of people would read this mailbag and know your nickname, at least for a few seconds.






Yo X ! /I/ don't drink beer ! It William who does !

Semone called ?