RPG Classics Mailbag

Welcome to The Mailbag! I'm your host, Cidolfas!

And I'm your Comic Relief Person, Ozzie!

And I am zee Lovable Power Armored Gun Wielding Lunatic Psychopath, Lunaris!

And I'm techie extraordinaire, Lucca!

And I eat yummy-yummies!

And together we are... a bunch of loonies, yes. Anyhoo, on to this week's topic, in which we beg you to make up a sport team just with RPG characters. And you want to know something? I got only ONE normal response. ONE. The other responses did the following: a) Limited to two sentences long. b) Create a new whacked-out sport which no one knows the rules for so no one can laugh at it. c) Do an insanely obscure sport. We got one, count it one, soccer game (er, well, technically that's football in countries other than America, so it works...). That's so bad I'm gonna make up my own team!

Hoo boy...

Okay, we're gonna go for baseball, since I really don't know the rules well enough for anything else, so here goes. Pitcher: Yuffie, since she can Throw stuff fairly accurately. Catcher: Ninja from FF Tactics, for similar reasons but backward. First base: Ultros, since he'll have a much better chance of catching the ball and tagging the runner out quickly enough. Second base: Gilgamesh, for similar reasons. Third base: Steiner, just because it'd be freakin' hilarious. Left field: Precis from Star Ocean 2, just for the heck of it. Center field: Sabin. Right field: Edward, because only wimps get put in right field. I know, because it always happened to me. Shortstop: Ratix from Star Ocean 1, since he kicks ass. Designated Hitter: Ness, for obvious reasons. OK, onto the first dude... Eden... jeez, this guy's worse than LiteYear... he is part of number c), Make Up Your Own Whacked-Out Sport.

Muahahah, hehehhe, Hello again! <Eden waves down from his giant golden sphinx> Yep bet you have never bin pulled around on a giant golden sphinx befor hun. BET YOU NEVER NYAH!!!! <claps twice to get Toan (who is alone) to stop pulling> Ahh better I was getting a bit winded up here doing so much work, I needed a break, So while I am resting I am going to tell you the of my RPG sport team! What team you ask? Well it is not hocky, or baseball, golf, or football... It is my sport! Organitering (ORG-AN-IT-TEAR-ING), In Organitering you have 15 balls. 6 Big Purple-lurple balls, 5 Big (but not as big as the purple-lurple balls) White balls, 3 Lime yellow balls about the size of a cat, and 1 small Technocoloured, see through the eyes of a drunk, Shinning ball. Now in Organitering you play on a football field but the field tips (Just like the bowser cort in mario tenis). Now insted of having 2 End-zones (not Zone of the Enders) you have 3 but one is in the middle.

Then wouldn't it be a middle zone?

Now there are 2 teams (one on each side) and the middle end-zone is a teleporter Zone. The Tele-Zone is only 10 by 10 meters but if you go in it you can end up anywhere hehehehe. Now the object of the game is go get 3 of the Big Purple-lurple balls, 2 and a half of the Big (but not as big as the Purple-lurple balls) Red balls,

GOTCHA! You said WHITE before!

I've always wanted to give that for something OTHER than misspelling... Oh, and lime is a green color, not yellow... sheesh.

1 and a half of the Lime yellow balls about the size of a cat, and the Small Technocoloured, see through the eyes of a drunk, Shinning ball in the other teams End-Zone. Now the game play rules are EZ (kinda) First there are 13 players, 6 Bumpers, 2 Diggers, 4 Fielders, and 1 End-Zoner. Now the Bumpers are very important, they on hUver pads. These hUver pads are flat and have NO traction. When the game starts they can start moving in a direction but after that they need to be strong even to change the speed and direction they are moving (or they can bounce of a diffrent player). They are used to knock the others teams players out, but they themselfs can not be knocked out because of there over pading. Now the Diggers are Even more importent. They are equiped with Picks and a Drill. They can us there picks to swing at a oncoming Bumper to stop from being knocked out. There drills are used to go under the field and to try to role a ball through there tunnel to the other teams End-Zone (Underground counts too). But they cans till be teleported if underground the teleport, but they will end up above ground. Now the Fielders are your basic slave. They run get the ball get knocked out by the bouncers trip over the tunnels. Your basic wipin' boys/girls so to speak. They are equiped with Shirts, pants and Spike tiped shoes :D Now the End-Zoner is like a goaly but have more to do. They are to remove the balls from there End-Zone any way they can. Therefor they are the ones who are mostly hit. They have a Giant Fan they can us to blow away the balls, a pair of Iron Boots to kill the balls, and a Very long rope :-) To trip the people of corse! Now you may think this sounds simple. But the balls themselfs can have dimented effects on the players. In other words the balls have a special ability; The Big Purple-lurple balls can umm well run...you...over, The Big (But not as big as the Purple-lurple balls) Red ball is as light as a piece of lead the size of Cid'O'Creams Ego (Nyah no one has thought of having a 'O' there have they, I don't want your green face... it scares me with all its smilingnessness).

...What the hell are you talking about?

So I'm not alone to don't understanding a word of what he babling about?...

The Lime Yellow ball that is about the size of a cat is like a a piece of gooooooooo (it be not pink!) so is very hard to move. And my favoret ball the Small Technocoloured, see through the eyes of a drunk, Shinning ball can well make you drunk just by looking at it (as its name states). Now you may be wondering about getting a half a ball in the other teams End-Zone, well that is very VERY easy and only people who find the writen word a burden unless they are reading this mailbag, will see that the Lime Yellow balls that are about the size of a cat and are made of gooooooooo (not pink!) can be split ing half, but they grow so they will split in half no matter what but you still only count it as a part so if you start 3 of them and they all split you have 6 but you need 4 of them to win. Now the Big (But not as big as the Purple-lurple balls) Red balls do not grow and the only way to get half is to brake on with the Diggers Drill, making it harder to move. There now you know the Rules and game play, Time to Show you my team!!!!

...Wait, all that was about the rules of the 'Game'? Oh man gosh....

Stay with me now I am about halfway done and all of you out there will get you days reading!... Ah thank you Toan my tea is just <takes a sip> TO COLD!!! YOU INSIGNIFIGANT MORTAL.... <Looks out of your computer screen at you> One moment please < Gives a big smile and walks ove to the edge of his Sphinx > Get me Warm tea next now please Toan <Smiles> Opps! <Drops Toan> Ah well good help is so hard to find. Well on with the Game now. My 13 players are: Ness Position: Digger Ability: Can Teleport on comand and redirect others. Ozzie Position: Fielder cause he is Cids wipin' mystic Ability: Takes all hits cause he is so much fun to pound Shadow Postion: Digger Ability: Can sneak around so as not to get seen Intersepter Postion: Bouncer also know as Bumper (Cause shadow was here) Ability: What is name is, he intersepts the ball well although he is a bouncer. Poo (Earthbound you fools!) Postion: End-Zoner Ability: Can mentaly move things: balls people ext. Cloud Postion: Fielder cause he is a fruit cake (98% Fruit 2 % cake) Ability: Slice'N'Dice need I say more? Crono Postion: Fielder Ability: Can slice'N'Dice better then cloud and is faster Lunaris Postion: Fielder Cause Ozzie is here and after last mailbags "fun with ozzie" well I don't want him to be left out. Ability: carrys a asortment of highly explosive and distructive weapons. Lucca Postion: Bouncer Ability: Can make here hUver pad work right making her imposible to hurt, also has a asortment of negitive stats weapons. (My favoret is The laughing gas gun that goes off when ever it wants but always works out cause it is a magic weapon forged in the Garden of ME) Kevin (hehehe) and Hawk Postion: Bouncer Abilitys: Can orbit around each other therefor can divise a stearing ability. Take massive hits. Terra and Realm Cause Celse was busy ;) Postion: Bouncer Ability Realm: Can control one of teams guys. Ability Terra: Random Summon There you have it! Boy that was long <Looks up WAY up and sees "....giant golden sphinx..." Boy that is alot.. And to think there is still a mock game to go Mwahahahaha... But alas There are no other teams :( Okay Cid You need to have a mailbag where you right in for your team in Organitering. I have gone to all the work of making a team and making all of you < Points at you through your screen > Read this so it would be very irritating if no one was there to play, but not as irritating as this! MOVE IT <Kicks Toan who just got back up> PULL YOU WORM! < Toan pulls the Giant golden Sphinx away s.....l.....o....w.....l.....y and when it is final out of sight.... a giant Blood Red Rose blooms out of the ground in the face of your beloved Eden giving off a wonderful restful smell the in itself is the most beautiful thing you have even bin near.>< And piece of paper falls out of the Rose as if matterialized out of no where> Me (Only of you read me last time will you get it UWEEHEEHEE) This Note will self distruct in..now < The note turns into a small pick of charcoal and as it shatters on the ground... Everything is gone as if it had never, bin but in the back of your mind you hear a small whisper> See I never do my exits I get others too and guess what.. You just did it for me!

Thank you, Mr. Resident Insane Person, for that lovingly crafted make-no-sense e-mail. Sniff... Next up is Mr. Saturn, who is an advocate of b), Limited To Two Sentences. OK, so it's more than two, but it's the idea that counts.

Well, I don't know poo-doo about sports, but I do have an idea... I think SquareEA should make a game called Final Fantasy Football. It'd probably be just like Megaman Soccer, but the name'd be nice. Final Fantasy / Fantasy Football. Get it? Wakka wakka wakka.

*deadpan face. doesn't expect laughter.*

*doesn't receive it.*

I am a sad sad man. Anyway, maybe I'll learn something about sports as I read the replies to this weeks mailbag.

I highly doubt it. If you did, you would be a sad, sad man...head...thingy. Onto Megaman984, who Makes Up A Whacked Out Sport!

Hiya Ciddy. It's 984 again. Hmm... RPG Sports? Heh. I was tempted to put RPG characters into a rugby game, but I realized that I have no clue how that game is played. I think it just involves men getting drunk and tackling each other.

No, no... that's Bar-Brawling... I'm sure there's a difference...

Anyway, I have two sports. The first one is full contact Golf. Imagine Ozzie about to tee off, and BLAM! Crono comes in and tackles him before he can swing. Now imagine Ozzie about to take a 10 inch putt for eagle, and out of the blue Crono comes in and attacks Ozzie. Imagine Ozzie in a sand trap. He's about to hit the ball out, and...

What's that Ozzie? You want me to stop having people hurt you? Okay. I'll leave it up to Cidolfas to have people hurt you.

Um? I never said anything...

Now for the second sport, I choose Soccer. Yes, Soccer.

The two strikers would need to be powerful and basically the stars of the team. That means the strikers would be Sephiroth for his coolness and Bahamut for raw power.

The two wings would need to be fast, so Gilgamesh would be the left wing and Ultros the right.

The two midfielders would need to be strong and have a decent amount of control. That is why those positions would be filled by Garland and Link. Of course with Garland's knocking everyone down fixation, he gets a lot of yellow cards.

Yellow cards? O_o Excuse my ignorance, but soccer's not my national sport...

Now the defenders need to smart to know when to catch someone in an offside trap, but they also need to be strong so they can clear the ball. The stopper would be Drachma from Skies of Arcadia. The left defender would be Gryzz from AO: LoE. The right defender would be Jogurt from Shining Force 1 because there's nothing funnier than a gerbil playing soccer. Okay, maybe Ozzie's face is funnier. The sweeper would be Bowser. He has more than enough strength to easily clear the ball if he needs to.

As for the goalie, the team originally used Edward, but he kept hiding whenever the ball was kicked at him. He has since then been demoted to water boy. The new goalie is Mario. Want to know why? It's because he can jump. He can jump very well in fact. He also has good hands to catch the balls.

Now RPG United (that's the team name) needs cheerleaders. But no, as much as some people would like to see certain RPG women in cheerleading outfits, I thought it would be funny if the cheerleaders couldn't actually cheer. That's right. The whole squad is made up of RPG characters that never or rarely talk at all. That would include, Crono, Shadow, and Jack from HM64. Kefka would be on it also, but only because they need someone to be the top of the pyramid.

Uweeheehee! I'm top of the pyramid! I'm king of the world!

Hey, that's my line!

No, I'm sure that's a different Leo...

Take that! *!SHOCK!*

OW! *pyramid topples* That is so... NOT NICE! Some people! *Cloud's foot lodges in his mouth*

Now, the team also needs a mascot that they can beat up on whenever they score a goal. This role would be filled by Ozzie.

Sure, sure... beat up on the Mystic. Y'know, some people have unions to protect against this kind of thing...

Hah, right... those are myths, aren't they? Unions... heh... next you'll be telling me about the Tooth Fairy!

Finally comes the fans. As we all know, Soccer fans are referred to as hooligans. They usually get drunk, cuss, and beat the hell out of each other and the other team's fans. That's why every single RPG character that has ever tasted alcohol of any kind is part of the RPG United Hooligans. Of course they have talk in English, Scottish, or Irish accents. Instead of beating each other with lead pipes, they use mithril swords. If people thought they've seen bad soccer riots already, just wait until the RPG United Hooligans go to a game.

Oh, and Ozzie. Don't shout "Fore."

I told you not to shout "Fore."

*Garland comes in and tackles Ozzie*

I never said anything! Why's he tackling me if I never said anything?

You're so tacklable, Ozzie! Heheheh... Next up is Ken Woronchak (I think), who Limits His Reply To Two Sentences Or Fifty Kilometers, Whichever Comes First.

Hi. I have a fairly cool idea for your mailbag question. How about if you have Cloud from FF7 use his massively huge sword as a baseball bat. He could hit a homerun easily. I also have another idea. Irvine form FF8 could play target practice, especially with his limit attacks. Well, thats all I have to say.

And I am certainly glad for that, yes indeed! "Adamantaimai" has the following gem to give us.

The Final Fantsy 5 group playing basketball (Butz,Leena,Faris,Galuf, and Cara would make up the team) They would beat everyone

Wow, brilliant! Of course, I have no idea why. No details = nobody is interested! Next up is our only so-called "normal" answer, by... Matsabekuk! Matsebbekur! Mitsubishi! Aw hell, lemme cut and paste... Mabatsekker. There.

Good day, mr. "I-Call-You-Juvenile-and-get-people-laugh", after I saw "football entry" I got so mad I decided to send a letter to this mailbag (Can you believe it?)

Mad?! At little old me? Come on... I'm so lovable! How can you be mad at a face like this?

I know, it's so hard... every time I get subjected to another painful and embarrassing moment, I just look at those puppy eyes and think... how could I?

*whispers* Those mind control drugs coming along okay, Lucca?

Hell yeah. Now I need to work on sticking it into some Mentats...

Did I heard semone say 'Mentats'?

So, our soccer team would consist of:

Offense:
Zidane (I bet everyone before had him on their teams) [Editor's note: Zidane is a fairly famous real-life soccer player.]
Tifa (For those tight Chest-Volley situations, AND to intimidate the audience)
Sion Barzahd(The Bouncers bouncerguy who can donkey-kick the ball away)

Defense:
Edward (C'mon..the enemy comes even close to the bard and he'll scream their ears off..or just hide)
CidFF7 (Yes, you guessed it... anyone comes to his zone and he WILL shove his spear to their @$$es, and be led out of the field cussing)
Yang (He'll KICK the ball with a flying kick and then return to his waiting zone)

Goalies:
Ashley Riot (A few RISK-BREAK SKILLZ WILL stop the ball
Ozzie (let Lunaris pump him full of air with his Super Ultra Reverse Vacuum Kick...WRONG GAME. Just fill him with air and he'll cover the goal and nobody will score to their side...heh I said Score..heh)

Yes, you did... um... and?

We won't say anything to him, kiddies... innocence is so beautiful...

Yeah... sigh... Rirse is up next, and you'll NEVER believe the sport he chose...

Well Ciddy ^^, I figure that after you getting frozen by Peer was bad, then it far worst to have to correct my typo from this mailbag entry. Anyways, as the topic states, the sport is......jousting? Yes, that old sport which a crappy movie was made into(don't ask about the name please, Ozzie).

What? Jousting? Or the name of the movie?

A Knight's Tale. See, I am l33t in my knowledge of popular culture! Fear me!

I just hope it have hovering horses with plasma lances...

Anyways, I just choice that since RPG characters are mainly from the dark ages, and that is from the dark age, so ^^. Let bring out are victims....I mean players. First off is everyone sword man, Fighter from Final Fantasy 1(no need for the "I liked swords" joke, as Ciddy will do it for me).

Must... fight... urge... to make cliched jokes...

Next is Cloud the forgotful hero of FF 7. For some reason, it Mario next, but he doesn't fight with swords or a pike, so he screwed. And finally is Ozzie, who can barely fit on the horse(he killed five this week). Let see who wins.

First round: Mario verus Ozzie

Even so Ozzie sucks, he manage to impale Mario since he is too busy eating pizza and showing off to Peach.

Second round: Cloud verus Fighter

Well since Cloud sword is too heavy, he falls off his horse every five minutes and therefore loses the match.

Final round: Ozzie verus Fighter

Well since this is the RPGC mailbag, Ozzie wins for some reason. I hope you like it Ciddy ^^.

W00t!

I always thought they fought with lances, not swords... there should have been a dragoon in there somewhere... Anyway, our last and most disturbing reply comes from Jarlaxle...

No flashy entrances today guys, sorry. My sports team, eh? We'll have the Japanese Final Fantasy Rhythmic Gymnastics Team!! The team would consist of 8 members who dance around in tight clothes playing with hula hoops, balls, and the twirly stick with the thing on the end that makes cool patters when you move it. The star of the team would be... Sabin Figaro of course! Following Sabin would be Rinoa Heartilly, Celes Chere, Sephiroth, Don Corneo, Ultros, Emerald Weapon, and Shinryuu.

Sabin of course is a master of the ballerina and gymnastic arts. He gets perfect scores on almost every event, but it's the team effort that counts. Rinoa and Celes are sometimes excellent, and sometimes a huge letdown, because Rinoa often breaks down crying and Celes beats up the judges. Sephiroth is more of an audience-getter with his long silvery hair than a real performer. All the 13 year old girls just flock to see him, increasing the revenue of the team. Don Corneo would of course take Rinoa to the "trainer's room" after each of her performances, and then miss his chance to compete due to the fact that he was not there.

EEEEWWWWWWW!

Ultros and Shinryuu don't really score points, although Emerald Weapon is unbelievably balanced and rhythmic with the hula hoop, i must say. Shinryuu and Ultros sabotage the best gymnasts of the other countries, particularly Romania, while Emerald draws the stares of everyone in the arena. Emerald ends up with a perfect score on the hula hoop because of his amazing prowess and flexibility, and the team wins the GOLD at Salt Lake City 2002 due to a total team effort!

This, of course, is making it sound like it's a *good* thing. O_o Very small mailbag this week, as you can tell. Since I have a headache, I'm kinda glad. Sorry if it wasn't as fall-down-funny as usual.

He's saying it like it usually is...

I *knew* I forgot something! *drops Ozzie down a plot hole*

Oh, that's nice... that gives it a nice sense of closure... *falls*

Anyhoo. We're gonna go with *another* MegamanX2K topic this week (groans heard all round) No, really, this can be nice. If an RPG character had their own talk show, what would it be like and how would a sample episode go? For added flair, the talk show can also be the RPGC mailbag! (Yep, I'm asking for it...) So send in your tirades to cidolfas@rpgclassics.com. Letterman-type Top Ten Lists get either instantly printed or instantly burned to rubble depending on my mood.

Seeya!

...I din't blasted a lot of stuffs this weeks...ah well...Oooh! A army of Goblins! *rush after brandishing various heavy weaponry*