RPG Classics Mailbag

Lucky I got three replies on Saturday; I was ready to postpone the whole darn thing till next week. Welcome to our minimalist mailbag! I thought I'd get way more replies to this cool topic, which is to have an RPG character host a talk show, or possibly the Mailbag! Let's get the ball rolling...

Roger! *presses a switch* *huge cannonball begins rolling, squashes Ozzie, and blows a hole in the wall*

...Now that's not what I meant and you know it.

Er... so?

Man, how come MY buttons aren't as cool? Sheez. Stuck with cliches, what a horrible existence. Maybe Adamantaimai will cheer me up, but somehow I doubt it.

"Adamantaimai" I'm back and more detailed than ever you little kiddie.(this ones for you LUCCA!!!!!)

Lucca's show of geniouses (like herself)

OF COURSE IT IS A TALK SHOW YOU FOOLS (Lucca is not a fool though)

okay it will have geniouses like sid me *blows rassberry* and those lovable choccobo and mister saturns (BOING)

okay the first episode

Lucca:welcome to the ultimate talk show starring me the first guest is Sid one of the coolest engineers

*Sid enters*

Sid: it is an honor to be on your show

Lucca:Duh. The other main character from my game is here give it up for Chrono *Thinks to self it should be called Lucca trigger though* *I come in* Me:it should *I leave* Crono:.................... Lucca: thats enough for tonight good night people

P.S.I had a stats improvement check it out

HP:9999
MP:9999
Attack:9999
Defense:9999
Speed:300
Spells: NUKE,METEO,ICE9,and DOOM5

That was an exercise in pointlessness. If it was a show of geniuses, why was it so damn stupid? And who's this Sid guy?

*whisper whisper*

NO! Not him too? More misspelling? I'm running out of Messup signs! Here, you can have this one.

Well, times are tough. We're almost in a recession, you know. Of course LiteYear has something to say now...

*Does the gate enterance*
Hello again, Cidolfas. I'm regret not having enough time to appear last week, but I had a lot of pressing matters to attend to. One question before I start, how do you always see me coming before I actually appear?

Stupid question. Ever hear of e-mail headers? Or maybe it's just that your SMELL precedes you! HAHAHAHAHAHA...

Funny... I haven't let loose the laughing gas yet... er... I mean...

You're right, stupid question. Anyway, to do a quick response to last week topic, here's my strangely normal response. I'd have both teams engage in a "friendly" game of basketball.
Here's the two teams:
Team New Mailbag
Cidolas- Center
Ozzie- Small Forward
Lucca- Shooting Guard
Quinta- Point Guard
Lunaris- Power Forward

Team Old Mailbag
Macc- Center
Ultros- Small Forward
Giglamesh- Point Guard
Edward- Shooting Guard
Gogo- Power Forward

I'd do a sample game, but this isn't the current topic, so I'm afraid you will never know who wins. Also, the positions are loosely based on your mailbag roles. Cid and Macc are the centers, because they are (were) in charge, as an example.

Ok, now to get to the main point. My show is based on Judge Judy, and here's a sample episode. (groan if you'd like)

GROAN... GROOOOOAAAAANNNN...

What are you doing?

Trying to see if I like it. GGGGRRRROOOOOOOOOOAAAAANNN... nope. Just doesn't do it for me.

Narrator: This is the courtroom of Judge LiteYear. The people are figments of egos, the cases are totaly BS, the decisions are likely going to be appealed in a higher court. This is Judge LiteYear. *camera pans courtroom* Ozzie, a supporting member on the hit show, Mailbag, is suing Cidolfas, host of Mailbag, for emontial, physical, verbal, and cumlitive damages sustained on his show. Cidolfas is counter-suing for this being a breech of contract.

Lunaris (baliff): All rises! *I, Judge LiteYear, walk in and sit behind my bench.* You mays sit down. *Everyone sits down, then Lunaris comes up and hands a folder to me.* Cases #294204, Ozzie versues Cidolfas. All partys has been sworn ins.

LiteYear: Ok, let's see here. *Glances through the folder.* Ozzie, you say you have been damaged through the show. Please explain to the court.

Ozzie: Well, he has done alot of abuse. Almost every week, he drops me down a plot hole, and I can barely recover from it. Also, he has dropped a large, really heavy weight on me, and has used the current baliff, Lunaris, to blow me apart a couple times.

LiteYear: Ok, and how do you recover?

Ozzie: I am the Great and Powerful Ozzie! I can recover from almost anything!

LiteYear: Ok. Cidolfas, can you justify all of this?

Cidolfas: Of course I can. First of all, it's my show, and second, I have this contract to prove it.

LiteYear: May I see this contract?

Cidolfas: Sure, I'll send a copy. *Cidolfas takes out a cell phone, and talks for a couple secs. Then, a Fed-Ex truck bashes through the door, and annilates the middle third of the audience. Inside, massive stacks of paper fill the truck. LiteYear then takes the contract, and runs it through his fingers, reading it in about 10 seconds, and littering the floor with that contract.

LiteYear: Ok. Everyting seems to be in justified. But I didn't see the signuature.

Cidolfas: Oh, it's at the top. That way, I can add anything that comes to mind.

Ozzie: Come on, that isn't fair!

Lunaris: *Points a huge gun at Ozzie* Only spokes when spokens too, pig-lizarde.

LiteYear: *Looks at the signature* Ozzie, is this your signature?

Ozzie: Yes it is, but it was...

LiteYear: Well, there we go. Judgement in rule of the defendant. Cidolfas may do anything he wants.

Ozzie: Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!! I'll appeal, I'll... *Lunaris blows Ozzie away.*

There you go. Now I'll be taking my leave... oh wait! *Checks Mailbag number* Congrats, Cid, for tying Macc's Mailbag record at 24! Also, the big #50 is next. I gotta to go prepare for this big occasion, and hopefully see Macc again (he'll be here, right?). *Create the gate thing, and disappears. Expect the deluxe version next time!*

Did he say deluxe version? *shudder* And actually, this is the record-breaking mailbag; 49 - 24 = 25, you know. Elementary math. Really. And sure, we're planning something really huge for next week's big number 50 bash!

Really?

Ho yes! It's a secret! BIIIG secret!

Aw, c'mon, you can tell me!

Oh, okay, okay... don't cry... we're gonna... let people write in and then make scathingly sarcastic remarks on their responses!

Don't you do that EVERY week?

Yes! See, you're learning!

... ...Excuse me, I have to leave. I think my head is about to explode.

You do that. *hears explosion in the distance* We have a new CAR! Er... sorry, a new correspondent. Er, they both start with C. Say hi to Sephiroth252, my, what an original name! How come the first 251 Sephiroths haven't written in yet?

Oh, so THAT's who kept knocking on the door last week with their insanely creative ideas about sports teams!

You mean I was stuck with that lameass mailbag and I had actual responses to it?

Yep. But when I told them they had to leave their swords at the door they all left, muttering something.

Since when do we not allow weapons in here?

Oh, do we? Sorry.

Grumblegrumble...

I have a great idea for a show! Chrono would host with Lucca, Ayla does sports, Frog weather, Robo stocks, Magus does headline news, & Merle does medical news!:)

They would have celebrities both real & fictional like Kenny (:0) they would also perform skits & crazy things like on Donny & Marie! It would be set right smack in the middle of Leene Square on nice days & on bad days in Chrono's house (or Lucca's)! Special effects would be supplied by Tanzan, I think it would be so coolif it was that way!

Er, a news show! Great! Well, it's a show and people talk on it, so I guess you could call it a talk show if you wish... I don't, though. Like anyone cares. Next up is a huge entry by MegamanX2K. Feel free to skip it if you're afraid of having your intelligence insulted or slowly roasted over an open fire.

Cid Seizure uses another one of my high-quality topics! But first, since he used 1337 in last week's 'bag...

*catches X Messup Sign* I TOLD you not to use that! And since I am the supreme overlord of this tiny mailbag room, what I say goes! Er... Cid Seizure? Have I missed something?

Seems so...want me to blast him or what?

Nah, he's had that treatment already. It doesn't work.

And I choose to ignore any comments he makes about me not being able to use that, tough toenails, you didn't even attend my wedding. Even lunaris did. BTW Lunaris, you can keep the Yamato Handgun; it might come in handy. Try using it on lucca if she touches your Mentats.

Sure you can ignore it. You just can't use it, mwahahaha... and... er, I didn't know you were getting married... O_o I thought there was a God... now I have severe doubts...

Also, Dark Cid; you might consider changing your alignment, since Cid apparently is quite evil. Try NotPervertedCid, or CreativeCid, or KnowsBetterThanToKeepQuinaAroundCid. We have yet to see PacifisticPoetLunaris or MoogleHatingMegamanX2K.

No, I think I'll stick with what I do best. At least I'm less complicated than Cid is.

Complicated? Little old me? Perish the thought! Or not, depending on your mood! Or you can perish it, then bring it back on a plate with scrambled eggs!

Ooh. Feels like it's gonna explode again. *walks away gingerly, trying not to make sudden movements*

To Megaman984: Well as long as we're on the subject of moogles, why don't we make a real class for Mr. Saturn: The Moogle Fondler Class! That's right, it's a Mr. Saturn getup, and it's useful when fighting my legions of moogles. Limit break is the character, well, fondling the moogle so to keep it busy and a drop in stats, and the final limit break is sexually harrassing the moogles so to cause them to run away. True, it's disgusting, but hey, that's our Mr. and Ms. Saturn, and besides, I never said I liked Earthbound anyway. It stank. (This won't make sense to you unless you frequent our MB.)

Also, I regret not entering last week's 'bag, because last night I had the perfect Idea. Perel's Pro Skateboard! Ala Tony Hawk's game; you get the idea. But with only one decent character, unless Ark can skateboard, the game would bomb fast, unless the objective was changed: Use your mad skateboarding skillz to achieve objectives (save the Kidsgart childeren, or evade all the guards at Dragoon Catle) There was also my idea for a Scorched Earth tournament; however, SE didn't want to work, so that went bust. My Apologies Lunaris.

Now, on to the talk shows! After all the other Dr.s die out (Dr. Laura, Dr. Dean Edel) ratings demand another. So, here he is: The Dr. Beruga Show!
*APPLAUSE*
Dr. Beruga: Hello folks, and welcome to the Dr. Beruga show. Today we have a very special Guest lineup. Another fellow evil scientist, the mercenary robot manufacturer from Honour Forces 1, Vellheined!
Audience:*claps*
The most insane and popular villian of all time, the notorious one liner, KEFKA!
Audience:*huge applause*
And, that little crybaby brat, Meilin!
Audience:*boo*
Hey, I had no choice, she threatened to throw a tantrum.
Audience:*ooh...*
But also: My completely original Top Ten list series continues, and we're joined by world famous skater, Perel! Out on bail after being accused of murdering Tony Hawks with said skateboard.
Audience:*huge appplause*
But first! My Top Ten list of things NOT to say to famous people or RPG characters.
10. Exdeath: "So, how was the Lumberjack's convention?"
9. The Sinistrals: "WOW! A flying castle! What an original idea!!"
8. Janet Reno: "Have you considered joining a Branch Davidian Compound?"
7. Macc Maverick: "Personally, I prefer Melons..."
6. Fighter: "But I don't like swords!"
5. Kefka: "Oh, sorry, I thought you were James Carville."
4. James Carville: "Oh, sorry, I thought you were Barbara Streisand."
3. Cloud: "So that's why the store's always out of mousse."
2. Aeris: "Wow...you look dead."
And the #1 thing not to tell a famous person or RPG character is:
1. MegamanX2K: "Want this dead moogle?"

Oh, damn... now what am I gonna do with this? *looks at dead moogle on the floor, picks it up, and dumps it in the incinerator* Ooh, this is gonna make someone out there SO mad... but not if they never find out about it, heheheh...

You just said it in a public mailbag, remember?

No I didn't! You just *thought* I did!

Oh man... I think I know what Evil Cid was talking about... *walks gingerly away, not trusting himself to float*

Now, please welcome a very special guest. Member of the Empire from FF6, one of the most important generals. Singlehandedly killed General Leo and betrayed and killed his Emperor Gesthal. Please Welcome...KEFKA!!
Audience:*huge applause, several women faint*
Kefka: Uwee Hee Hee! Thanks, I love you all! Uwee Hee hee hee...
Beruga: So, Kefka, I hear you're openly speaking out against Square and FF9. What brought this on?!
Kefka: Urgh...it's that stupid Kuja. Everyone says he's a hash between me and Sephiroth. How dare they associate me with that goody too shoes. He's a flower girl compared to me! I mean, you're a real villian, hell you annhialated an entire city! I like that! Uwee hee hee!!
Beruga: Thanks! Though if it weren't for that damned girl...or that lion...next time...
Kefka: I know what you mean. I was defeated by a goddamn Moogle that can't dance! Sicnkening!
Mog: *tries to do a breakdance, but stumbles. Again.*
Beruga: God, you suck. Someone get rid of him.
Kefka: No, I got it. *summons Ragnarok*
Mog: *is turned into a moogle charm*
Kefka: Uwee hee hee! How useful! *wears it*
Beruga: Anyway, now for our next guest. He used his insane scientific and magical knowledge to create a legion of superpowerful robots designed for Mercenary missions, including the famous L.U.T.H.E.R.
Kefka: Hmm...why didn't I think of that...
Beruga: Please welcome, Dr. Simonus Vellheined!
Audience: *some applause*
Vellheined: THANK you, thank you ALL. I'm so very please to BE here today.
Beruga: Umm...right. So, tell us your story, Vellheined.
Vellheined: I had a LIFELONG dream to create robots to help restore world ORDER and make sure that WARS did not exist.
Beruga: Umm...why are you doing that?
Vellheined: DOING what?
Beruga: That. You're usng Capitals at the most inappropriate times. This isn't Brenda Starr! *presses a button to cue the "dadaboom" sfx*
Vellheined:...
Beruga: Anyway, you didn't want peace, you just wanted to create an evil empire, and to that extent you built the robots so that you could get money for your services AND promote the destruction of nations. Fiendish.
Vellheined: Isn't THAt what I said?
Beruga: Yeah, but you left a couple details out.
Vellheined:...oh.
Beruga: Anyway, you're becoming boring, fast, so let's bring out our last (and least) guest. Daughter of the honorable Meihou, and doesn't bear a BIT of resemblace, delighted in torturing and annoying my archrival, Ark...it's Meilin!

*stand there, eyes blooded, various weapons of mass destruction in hands, all that breathing maniacly.*Must...resist...to...not...blast...Meilin...into...OBIVLION!

Audience:*Boo*
Meilin: *sniff*They hate me...why? WHY?! *waaah*
Kekfa: Because you're an annoying BITCH! UWEE HEE HEE HEE!!!
Meilin: And you're an ugly OGRE! WAAAH...
Kefka: WHAT?! How dare you insult my good looks. Prepare to die. *fires a solid stream of energy at Meilin*
Meilin: *quickly creates a copy of herself and lets it get blasted*
Kefka: Damn! Another time.
Beruga: Now normally I'd get my security robots to stop this, but frankly I'd enjoy seeing Meilin get toasted as the next evil doctor.
Vellheined: Indeed.
Beruga: Anyway, why have you come to plague us, my dear?!
Meilin: I recently wrote a book, called "It's OK to Cry". I also got a co-authorship from Mallow. I did my very best work, and I hope you like it.
Beruga: I read it...and I hate you even more now.
Meilin: WHA?!
Beruga: At least Mallow served a decent purpose, you're just an annoying NPC. Kefka, I suggest you move your chair.
Kefka: *takes the hint* Uwee hee hee!
Meilin and Vellheined: *are suddenly strapped down to their chairs* WHAT THE-
Beruga: And now, ladies and gentlemen, presenting the biggest Skating Wonder since Tony Hawk, the corruptible kid from the hood, PEREL!
Meilin and Vellheined: NOO!
Perel: *skates in and does a grinder on the two*
Meilin and Vellheined: Ow ow ow...
Kefka: Uwee hee-huh?! *gets hit in the face by a 15-lb bag of cocaine*
Perel: hehe...oops *sees the feds coming* Ahh *censored*
Kefka: Hee, Bad Boy Bad Boy, whatcha gonna DO?! UWEE HEE HEE!!!
Perel: Umm...*skates across the fed's faces then races up the stairs, but stops at a ballot box* Hmm..."Win a Moogle". Sounds harmless. *enters the contest*
Meilin: heh, sounds nice, I can hug a moogle when I want to cry! *enters*
Vellheined: I could use a moogle lab assistant! *enters*
MegamanX2K: Why thank you. *takes the box away*
Beruga and Kefka: *snicker*
The other three: What?
*suddenly, three Ultralisks crash onto stage, maul the threesome, and carry their carcasses off, doubtlessly to X's flying fortress*
Perel: What the F*crushed*
Vellheined: Oh! OH No!!*impaled*
Meilin: WAAAH*eviscerated*
Kefka: Such Violence...such power...

...I LOVE IT! UWEE HEE HEE HEE!!!
Beruga: Hehe, the joke's on them. And you thought Ultros had it bad, those three have to deal with X. Ouch.
Kefka: Such torture! UWEE HEE HEE HEE!!!
Beruga: Well that's all the time we have today, see you next time!

But WAIT! There's MORE! As a bonus, it's the Sinistral Show! All StarCraft, All the Time! With security by Zero, LKunaris and MegamanX2K, and here's your host, SINISTRAL!!
*APPLAUSE*
Sinistral: Thanks, and welcome to the show. We've got a real shocker for you today. Samir Duran says that Kerrigan, the Queen of Blades, is having an affair with Jim Raynor, but he vehemently denies it. However, Kerrigan says she's got a surprise for them both!
Sinistral: So Duran, you say that you're sure that Kerrigan is seeing Raynor?
Duran: Sure of it. I see how he looked at her, and I know there was friction goin' on there. I mean, I'm a ghost, I have the psychic power. I know she's seeing SOMEBODY. And it's not like there's much of a choice. I mean, who else is there? Alan Schezar? Get real! Infact, I have this tepeathy tape of Terran Mission Four! Listen:
Raynor: *thinking*Damn, too bad Vultures don't have back seats. Hehehe...:P
Kerrigan: You pig!
Duran: See?
Raynor: Shut the *censored* up, man! I'm not a pervert! I'm a man of Integrity and Leadership! I have morals! I-
Duran: You subscribe to Playboy.
Raynor: *sweatdrop* How'd you know?!
Duran: Amazing what Cloaking Technology can do in domestic situations.
Raynor: *mental note: Build ComSat Station onto Command Centre*
Sinistral: Anyway, let's bring out one of the most notorious game villians ever, the Queen of Blades, KERRIGAN!!!
Audience:*Some boo, some rave and crap*
Kerrigan: Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm busy, what with all this Cerebrate and Brood Crap. Who wrote this stuff, anyway? Blizzard?
Sinistral: Umm...yeah.
Kerrigan:...oh. Anyway, they're both wrong. I'm not seeing Raynor, but there is someone special in my life. Hehehe...
Raynor and Duran: ?!?!?!
Sinistral: All right, let's bring out the boyfriend! *looks at the card* Umm...*sweatdrop* General of the Blood Hawks, Alpha Squadron...General Edmund DUKE?!
Duke: *comes out on stage, to some applause, some boos, mostly boos but a few frat boys give him hi-5s. Then walks over to Kerrigan for a kiss*
Duran: What the *censored*?!
Raynor: Get him! *throws a Spider Mine at Duke*
Duke: Ack! WTF?! Get it off me!
Lunaris:*uses whatever weapons neccessary to blast the Spider Mine to bits*
Duran: Screw him, let's use Stupid Brute Force! *roughs up Duke*
Zero: *attacks Duran with his Beam Sabre*
Duran: *equpiment Damaged* Hey! I needed that to cloak damnit!
Zero: Sucks to be you.
Sinistral: *observes all the action, a huge sweatdrop on the back of his head*Umm...so tell us, Kerrigan, why exactly are you...dating...an old geezer like Duke?!
Kerrigan: Well let's just say that when the Game Manual said that Duke did things "by the book" they weren't kidding, huh Dukey? ^.^
Duke: Hehe, the back of the Norad III's good for somethign after all. ^.^
Raynor: Huh, that's just sick. With a Zerg, damnit! You get lower every time I see you! At least HE'S infested!
Duran: HEY! We prefer to be known as...oh wait, yeah, infested.
Sinistral: Uhh, let's get the reaction from the Audience. You, sir?
Fighter: I like Swords!
Sinistral: Umm...that's nice, but you're supposed to make a very obvious comment about this whole affair that doesn't really cause anyone to think differently, except maybe that they're too smart to watch a smutty talkshow.
Fighter: I like Swords!
Sinistral: Where'd we get these people...Umm...and you sir?
Generic NPC: Umm, aren't we missing the obligatory grammatically challenged black people and the 15 year old crack addicts who have such a weak spirit that they're converted when sent to boot camp?
Sinistral: Hey, X is low, but he's not that low!
MegamanX2K: I'm standing right here, Einstein! >.<
Sinistral: Hmm, this is getting nowhere fast, who wants to see all our guests die a bloody death!
Audience: WOOHOO!!!
Guests: WHA?!
Sinistral: Hehe...get 'em boys.
MegamanX2K: *casts Moogle Meteo*
Raynor: EEK! *gets hit by a moogle, then shot to death by Lunaris*
Duke: Oh! Oh NO! *gets hit by a moogle and dies, because without his tank or ship he's nothing*
Duran: Mama Mia! *gets hit by a moogle and is finished off by Zero*
Kerrigan: Eek! Save my, Dukey! Dukey?! *gets hit by a moogle and breaks a nail* Aahh! Damn you MegamanX2K! You will be the first to die!
MegamanX2K: That's OK, I've got the rest of my...team?
Zero, Sinisral and Lunaris: *at the weapons shop*
MegamanX2K:...damnit.
Kerrigan: Hahaha, you now face the wrath of the swarm!
Get him! *rushes X with ultralisks*
MegamanX2K: Oh yeah?! *counters with Ultralisk-riding moogles*
Kerrigan: *watches as her forces die*...the Hell? You've won this time, but...*thinking*Moogles+Infested=no more MegamanX2K=me Happy*Hahaha...*cloaks and escapes*
MegamanX2K: *sees the damage around him*Hooh Boy, Sin's gonna blame me for this.

Anyway, I decided NOT to touch the RPGC Mailbag Show Idea, because A. That wasn't part of my suggestion, and B. I will not bow to Cid's Masochistic ways. G'night, and remeber: Have you hugged an Ultralisk today? ^.^

Well, that was... interesting. It would have been more interesting if I understood any of that last part, but anyway. We have another, less insane (marginally) Megaman up, now. Number 984. I'm kinda glad I never saw the first 983, to tell the truth.

Why?

AHHH! That's gross!

*shoves the others Megamans into a Butchering Cannon and shoot them to the sun all in pieces*Crimson Blast Cannon!...Din't knew Megaman's oil was Red...

Phew. Mister 984?

RPG talk shows? Heh. I'm basing mine on Late Night with Conan O'Brian. Playing the role of Conan is Sabin. Even though Andy Richter is no longer on the show, it just doesn't seem right without him. That is why I chose Gilder from SoA to play the role of Andy. Every talk show needs a band, and instead of the Max Weinberg 7, my show has the Ultros 7. Let's have a watch.

*The Conan O'Brian opening theme plays*

Announcer: Welcome to Late Night with Sabin O'Brian. With Gilder and the Ultros 7. Now here's your host, Saaaaabinnnn Ohhh'Briiiiannn.

*Sabin comes running out like Conan*

Sabin: Thank you Gilder. Ultros. And welcome to the show.

*The audience cheers*

Sabin: Thank you. Thank you. It seems that mad man Kefka is in the news again. Yeah, it seems he's mad at the circus. Apparently they thought he looked too clownish even for them.

*Audience semi-laughs*

*Sabin does the puppy dog eyes to the camera routine. Audience gradually begins to cheer*

Sabin: Ha ha. Works every time.

*Show freezes*

MM984: I'm interrupting the show because the rest of the monologue is like this. Let's fast forward a bit.

*Show does the fast forward thing*

Sabin: we have a great show tonight. We have Mr. T! From FF4, Kain! And a performance by Weird Al! Hit it Ultros!

*Ultros begins to play something on the drums while Sabin walks to behind his desk*

Sabin: Hi Gilder. How was your weekend?

Gilder: It was good Sabin. It was good.

Sabin: That's good. But let's stop looking back into the past.

Gilder: You mean...

Sabin: Yes. Let's look into the future.

Gilder: The future, Sabin?

Sabin: Yes. A look into the far distant future, to the year 2000.

*Audience cheers and the lights dim*

Band Member with High Voice: In the year 2000. In the year 2000.

Sabin: Moogles will no longer be the cutest RPG animal They will be replaced by rabid gorillas.

Band Member with High Voice: In the year 2000. In the year 2000.

Gilder: Hawk of Seiken Densetsu 3 will be committed to a mental hospital. The reason? It seems he decided to paint himself blue and wear red hats and pants while demanding to know where his little Smurflings are.

Band Member with High Voice: In the year 2000. In the year 2000.

Sabin: Ozzie will give up being a pig mystic and become just a plain pig.

Band Member with High Voice: In the year 2000. In the year 2000.

Gilder: Squall will no longer dream that he is a moron when it is revealed that he is indeed a moron.

*Audience cheers and light returns to the studio*

Sabin: Okay. I pity da foo' that don't know our first guest! Mr. T!

*Mr. T walks out and audience cheers really loud*

Meeeep!

Mr. T: Thank you Sabin, but don't go using my catch phrase less I give you permission, foo!

Sabin: Sorry. So, I see you're working for Macc. How's that doing?

Mr. T: Man, that Macc is one good guy. He gives me all the milk I want. Drink yo' milk!

Sabin: Not right now. I'm not thirsty.

Mr. T: Don't gimme no jibba jabba. I said drink yo' milk! You don't want me to throw ya, do ya sucka?

Sabin: Uh... No...

Mr. T: Good. Now drink yo' milk!

*Sabin drinks his milk*

Mr. T: That's better. And Ultros, whatcha doin' working here? You work for Macc, foo'!

Ultros: I... Uh... That is to say... Uh oh.

*Ultros runs away while Mr. T chases him*

Sabin: Great. Now we need a new band leader. And something to fill our time.

Gilder: How about a staring contest?

*Audience cheers*

Sabin: Okay. A staring contest. Fine by me.

*Sabin and Gilder start staring at each other*

*Mario comes in behind Sabin about ten seconds after the contest starts. picks a mushroom, then starts smoking it*

*Gilder gets a little fazed*

*Mario leaves and two kids with a Moogle come in. The kids start beating the Moogle like a pinãta until candy guts come out*

*Gilder looks disgusted*

Gilder: Augh!

Sabin: Yes! I won!

*Audience cheers*

Sabin: Okay. Let's bring out our next guest, Kain!

*Kain jumps on stage and audience cheers*

*Show freezes again*

MM984: Yeah, I'm stopping the show again. I figured you didn't want to see this part any way. The interviews can get a tad boring.

*Show fast forwards a bit*

Sabin: And that's how I disproved the existence of penguins.

*Audience just stares*

Sabin: Uh... Never mind. Performing his semi-hit, Weird Al!

*Lights fix on Weird Al*

Weird Al: Ahem.

*Weird Al proceeds to sing Polka Mon*

MM984: Well. Hope you enjoyed that. If not, then too bad for you. The reason some of the humor was bad is because the Conan O'Brian show has comedy of the same calibur or slightly lower than what I gave you. And that's on his good nights. So good night. I leave you with these words of wisdom: Never, and I mean never, eat green graham crackers made by a company with the word "Soylent" in its name.

Or takeout Chinese food. If you've played Xenogears you'd know what I'm talking about. 8p Up next is that strange dude with the stranger name, Bishoujou Senshi Seera Biinasu.

Waii! Hola Cido and Superific Ultracool Techno Diva Lucca!

Oh, you flatterer...

First off the RPG charecter I would pick to host there own talk show would be...none other than..Cait Sith!!1 *cue big flashy hearts with pretty lazer lights*

It would be called "Fishing for Slimy things". Now here is a sample episode

Hi! I'm the megahyper cool moogle ridin' cat for The Gold Saucer,Cait Sith *flashflash!*

<Harle> Oui? And moi iz Harle,ze right hand of Monsuier Cait Sith and ze wondiefull,how you say,givier of prizez.

<Cait Sith> Now let's move on to our contestants! First we have a Mr.Green Camel from Desertland

<Green Camel> Moof.

<Cait Sith> Fabtasic! Next we have Aino Minako from Juuban District,which is in Tokyo.

<Minako-chan> Biinasu Cosmic Power,M...err I mean hi!

<Cait Sith> Charmadoorific! And last we have Nash,from the Magical City of Vane!

<Nash> Hey there kiddies! *goes back to cuddling his brush*

<Cait Sith> Spamtasic! Now let's play ..FISHING FOR SLIMY THINGS! *Shabam!*

<Cait Sith> Harle,tell them how this game works!

<Harle> Yez Monsueir Kittie...ze game workz by seding ze last perzon to ze moon.

<Nash> ?..But I'm from ..*Spoiler Bomb detonates,causing Nash to go to the land of bad-ness*

<Cait Sith> Oh no!

<Minako-chan> Biinasu Cosmic Power,makk appu! *wowwoo!* CRESCENT BEAM! *flash*

<Harle> French Accent...DEMISE! *goof*

<Minako-chan> *sent to Funkytown*

<Cait Sith> Oh my!...our winner is Green Camel

<Green Camel> Moof *steals a random NPC,then flees*

<Cait Sith> And that's our show *poof*

<Harle> Moi iz tres magnifique,non?

And that would be my show! Now I give your yummy flowers to eat *kerzoom*

P. S. Talk show,game show..same difference,right^^;

Okay, I take it back. MegamanX2K's entry made sense compared to this one. I don't know what he was smoking when he wrote this.

Super Mushroom is-a reeeeallly super! Waah! *falls through plot hole*

Wow, I'm getting so I can control those with my mind. Freaky.

Er... nope, I did that one.

Whew, now I'm relieved... I think. O_o Our final (yep, final) entry comes from... huh? Cybercompost? Now there's a radical name if I ever saw one... And he's the only one who had the guts to make the show the Mailbag. More power to you, man!

CC: Welcome to everyone's favorite talk show- RPG MAILBAG!!! I'm your host, Cybercompost. And today we have some very special guests. Later, we have a debate between Ultros and Ozzie about who's the better boss. But next up is Final Fantasy VII's Cid, to talk about a very important issue in... American government? Well I guess we'll see what he's going to talk about. But first, a commercial break.

*Fade out*
*Fade in*

Locke: Are you tired of being called derogatory names just because of your job? Having trouble getting a new job because your resume is filled with... questionable things? I'm Locke Cole, Treasure Hunter, and I'm here to show you the wonders of Locke Cole's' Job Company. Lets take a look at a satisfied customer.

Bowser: I used to be a lowly kidnapper, and regularly got my ass kicked by the Mario Brothers. Now that I'm a Royalty Relocation Manager, those dirty plumbers can't get a damn thing on me. Thanks Locke Cole!

Locke: If that testimonial doesn't convince you then this will. I'm not only the President, I'm a client.

Annoying announcer dude: To get your free consultation call toll-free at 1-800-LOCKE-JOB. *starts talking really fast* May cause moisture in the ocean, dry skin in Egyptian mummies and cramps if you eat before swimming.

*Fade out*
*Fade in*

CC: We're back with Cid Highwind.

Cid: *Pulls out a cigarette, lights it, and takes a big drag*

CC: Can I take a drag of that?

Cid: Get your own, you f___.

CC: Well then! Tell us why you're here today.

*QUICK! FFVII SPOILERS AHEAD! IF YOU HAVEN'T PLAYED FFVII YET DON'T LOOK!

Cid: Well, as you know, in the game I star in...

CC: I always thought all Cids were doomed to perpetual sidekickdom- and you were no different my friend.

Cid: God damn it! You don't have to remind me that f___ing psycho Cloud beat me out as main character! But he had a huge sword, so he had to be the main character! *Takes a long drag* Anyway, this is urgent so pay attention! As you know, when Cloud joins AVALANCHE, that prick with the funny mustache- whatshisname- was President. He was evil, exploiting the worlds Mako- until Sephiroth kills him- and we got Rufus. Rufus was even worse than the President, because he was more competent, and much more evil. They're both f___in' dirtbags, though.

CC: I see, what does this have to do with the United States government?

Cid: Two words: Bush, Cheney. Hate the environment, don't care about anything except "lining their pockets with gold." Bush is much stupider than Cheney though, and therefore harmless. Cheney would destroy the world though.

CC: Well, its awfully nice of you to try to help, but video game mechanics are a little different than how real life works.

*Silence in the studio*

CC: OH F___ WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! WE'RE SCREWED! SCREWED I TELL YOU! CALL AVALANCHE! CALL THE RETURNERS! EVEN CALL THOSE STUPID SEEDS!!! QUICK! CUT TO A COMMERCIAL BEFORE I VOMIT IN DISGUST!

He din't cussed enough....I am dissapointed! And EVERYONES know what I do when I'm dissapointed! That right, I PLAY TRIPLE TRIAD!

*Audience goes into convulsions from the revolting truth*
*Vomits all over the studio, some lands on Ozzie*
*Fade out*
*Fade in*

Announcer: They came- they saw- they KICKED ASS! Tomorrow on Pay Per View- its the ultimate showdown! A match between two unparalleled fighters- Frog vs. Magus 2001. BE THERE!

Frog: Someone's going to get their arse kicked- and frogs don't have arses!

Magus: I'll let my magic do the talking.

Announcer: BE THERE- TOMORROW- PAY PER VIEW ON THE RPGWF- THE ONLY WRESTLING FEDERATION WITH 2D SPRITES AND 3D POLYGONS DUKING IT OUT!

*Fade out*
*Fade in*

CC: Because of that unexpected vomiting fit, we have to cut Ozzie and Ultros a little short. Now they are here- the two wimps themselves- Ultros and Ozzie. How does it feel to be the two biggest pussies in RPGdom?

Ultros: Its okay I guess.

Ozzie: Not as bad as some other jobs.

CC: Didn't you hear me call you pussies?

Ultros: We're called that all the time. We're desensitized to that now.

Disclaimer: I personally have never called either of them that. And if you don't believe me, go back and check all 25 Mailbags. Mwahahaha...

Ozzie: But you did forget, we are braver than Edward.

CC: Ah, very true indeed. Lets start with Ultros. Why are you a better boss than Ozzie?

Ultros: Well, I've ran away plenty of times, but I always had the guts and perseverance to fight them four times. Ozzie really only fought them once, the other times he hid in his block of ice like a little baby.

CC: Ozzie, care to comment?

CC: Anyway, Ozzie, why are you a better boss than Ultros?

Ozzie: Two reasons- 1: I never got beaten by a little girl. 2: I don't hide behind invincible sneeze factories.

Ultros: Hey! 1: YOU DON'T KNOW THE ALL-ENCOMPASSING POWER OF RELM! THE MOST POWERFUL CHARACTER IN RPG HISTORY!!! I still have nightmares of that day! *shivers* It would chill me to the bone, if I wasn't an invertebrate. 2: Don't you knock my buddy Chupon! Besides, you hid behind a total of three people: Magus, Flea, and Slash. And what the hell is with your stupid "Ozzie Pants?" Slash had a cool sword, Flea had a cool relic, and all you had were some STUPID pants that you wore on your HEAD!!!

*Audience cheers*

Ozzie: Oh yeah? Well, you fight like a cow!

*Audience boos Ozzie*

Ozzie: Shaddap!

*Audience throws junk at Ozzie*

Ozzie: I'll show you, heh heh heh. *Chrono Trigger boss music plays*

*Ozzie turns into a block of ice*

Ultros: *grins* I've always wanted to do this.

*He hits the switch behind Ozzie*

Ultros: Bye, bye, don't tease the octopus, kiddies!

*Ozzie falls down a pit*

CC: Well it seems as if Ultros won this debate! But you still suck. Anyway to recap: Bush = Funny mustache president, Cheney = Rufus *shudders*. Ozzie fall down the hoooooooole. And Ultros doesn't suck that much. Until next time, this is Cybercompost saying its time to take out the trash!

*CC disappears in a yellow mist, leaving an odor of sulphur*

*Audience claps*

*Fade out*

Someday... someday I'll have my OWN show! And then I'll show you! I'll show them all! The fools! HAHAHAHAHAHAH...

And I thought *I* was cliched. You're just stupid, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

Now I'm *sure* I never HAHAHAHAHAHAH...

*grins evily, having a new Laughing Lauch Cannon in hands, a gas mask on his face of course*I /HAD/ to test it...just couldent wait!

Oh, MAN... And now we HAHAHAHAHA leave you with next week's topic by HAHAHAH Amaranthius, so write in to HAHAHAHAH cidolfas@rpgclassics.com! HA...

Seeya! Snort!

Hi Cidolfas.

This is Amaranthinus (i.e. Chris Beaton with one of those stupid sounding name things) and here's a suggestion for a new topic. Once again, it's kind of long... *winces, expecting to be hit* ... but it's serious - a break from all the light topics of late.

Every RPG is a mix of story line and action: characters talk, socialise, dance, sing at the opera - and then they go out and brutally slay some monsters and prevent the destruction of Earth (or whatever planet they live on). It's a subtle balance, and most good rpgs have both a storyline and fighting system which compliment each other well; the story adds emotional depth and fuels a desire to crush the enemy, while the fighting adds the element of gameplay to what would otherwise be an interactive novel.

However, everyone has different opinions. Myself, I prefer an emphasis on story - taking on the role of a fictional character and steering them through an adventure is my idea of fun. For me, the fights are very often a matter of getting myself to the next story scene, rather than appreciating them for their gameplay. Others, they prefer the battles - many people play Japanese imports which make as much sense as a mailbag written by Celes, but they still enjoy the fight system and the pretty pictures.

The topic I suggest for the mailbag is: how do you feel? What is the correct story-fight balance for you, and how have your demands been met in modern rpgs? Do you want more story, or more punching?

Have you had enough of random battles, or do you want the hordes of darkness to keep on coming? Would you shift an emphasis from number of battles to quality of battles - making every fight individual and against an in-game character, dispatching with anonymous level-building henchmen forever?

Do modern characters do enough socialising? Do we see enough character interaction which supports the idea that our heroes are all good friends - after all, what exactly would Cloud and RedXII have talked about during all those long cross country treks? Or, perhaps, you would prefer to leave it to the imagination - such as with Chrono and Ryu (BoF)? Is it unnecessary? Would such laborious efforts at forging in-depth relationships slow the pace of the game?

Would you include more sub-games - such as the bike, snowboarding and submarine sections in FFVII? Do you find different styles of game play add extra spice to otherwise mediocre adventures?

Or do you think that it's fruitless thinking about it at all??? Is it all subjective??? Do some games work better with fighting, and others with story??? Are there two games you like - one with great battles, one with great story - which could be melded together???

Are you getting sick of the questions???

Then start writing some answers! Which do you choose - plot or gameplay? Both are important, but which would you sacrifice first? Or, if you find them seamless - too hopelessly interconnected to look at separately - then explain why.

Well?! Start typing!

(Excuse the enthusiastic punctuation! I'm going to start an exclamation diet very soon!! Honestly, I can stop any time I want!!! No, really, I can... ughh *struggles to hold back crass teeny-bopper style*. There - a full stop! Oh, no.....)

(I would have written a response to this week's topic, but it's really not my style of thing - that whole barely-legible-yet-mysteriously-funny-to-read response (which I assume you are asking for - you *did* tell people that the mailbag could be their talk show) is surprisingly hard to emulate. Sorry.)

Amaranthinus.

*stares at everyones on the floor, knocked outcold dues to long times to the Laughing Gas effect*...Laugh Gas Successfull!*Laughs and heads out...only to slam in the big door and fall down.*