RPG Classics Mailbag

O-kay! Got a nice amount of replies for this one. There was a nicely diverse range here, except for the one thing that about five people mentioned, of course: the Epoch.

W00t! Of course they'd pick something made by the Great Lucca...

...You never made that.

...So I didn't. Damn.

*cough* We shall roll right into it with our first reply, by BSSB...

Sugoi! Hi Cidofasu,Lunareisu,Ozziirenu,and Luucaamenu.

Lucca menu? That gives me an idea! *runs off*

Where exactly do you get these whacked out names from?

We don't ask, my pudgy friend... far safer that way...

Which magical item/invention would be fun to have you ask? Easy! The Zweiger R from Romancing Saga 3.I mean,not only does it go fast,have lots of bombastic weapons,and very very cool music which is always around it,but it was made by the Great Great Great Professor. Think about it,you could run of over people and get away with it.And,you could drive everywhere playing cool music,with paying for it! Yes!

Now Lucca,you cannot beat me! Ha! I will turn you into a beehive! I will call a certain Cat-Man and Jester to burn your house down!MWHAHAH! *cough*

*calls from the background* What the hell are you talking about?

Er, that's right... she hasn't played Chrono Cross yet...

Wuzzat?

Nothing, nothing... we don't want to spoil anything for the lovely folks who haven't played it yet, do we?

Yes! Right at the end of the game, these three mrghrgfgl...

*smack him with a foam hammer*You say anoter thing and your toast!

But they ggghkkkkk...

THAT IT! YOUR TOAST! *shoot Evil Cidolfas with his /NEW/ Instant Toast Oven Mark 4!*

TOOOASTY! *gets slapped by Mortal Kombat copyright infringement suit* Ow. Ahem. We now have one from... er, DivineTuna? Whatever strikes your fancy, I guess... here's your exclamation marks !!!!, here's your Messup sign , here's your weapons of mass destruction. Don't get carried away.

The remedy from the FF series (imagine curing most illness with it; but I can imagine not curing the common cold in a bit or irony)

Extra! Extra! Mysterious remedy saves lives, leaves thousands sneezing! Another newbie, for the routine, see above. "tom ker"... I dunno if that's a name or a random jumbling of vowels and consonants.

i would bring a scroll of familiar summoning from baldur's gate II. having a pseudo dragon around would help with the annoying neighbour problem.

I'll have to take your word for it, having never played PC games. And I never will, and I don't care WHAT anyone says! Bwahahahah! That's one addiction I certainly don't need. Black Mage has a rather more environmentally active idea:

Hiya Cidolfas, god of Mail, Lucca, inventor of useless artifacts/cool guns, Lunaris, the homicidal typomaster, and Ozzie, master of Mystics (notice I din't call him a pig lizard, at any rate)

A FAN!

How low we have trodden... "if you don't insult me, you're a fan!"

You mean... there are people who don't insult me?

Go away, doofus.

Grumblegrumblesuperioritycomplexgrumble...

For this week's topic, I imagine most people would take things like the Epoch or big, sharp swords that do nothing much for the world.

What a psychic! O_o

I'm choosing the 8 Essences of Seasons from LoZ: OoS, because they can benefit the world.

In countries which aren't very fertile, these essences could grow crops, improving the world's food situation, and effectively improving the economy. With these, crops could grow in the starving nations, wiping out a lot of world hunger.

So there's my rant, like it, hate it, or let Lunaris hit it with the Jello-Master Mark-4.

Dern straight ! You can add the Frites Minicannon mRK 13 aswell, and the Foam Catapult(Wich is the ACTUAL catapult that is thrown) and...*trail off*

Quite. And yet another newbie (lotsa newbies today, good thing I just refer them all to the same set of exclamation marks), "d galloway". See what I wrote for "tom ker" about that name too.

Geez, you're getting lazy lately.

I *would* re-write everything... but it'd make me bored, it'd make everyone else bored, and it'd make Lunaris and Lucca bored, and they'd have to find something violent to do.

...Good point.

If I could pick any invention from any RPG and bring it into the real world, it would probably be that damn magic cannon from Tales of Phantasia. I mean, c'mon, any idiot who made it past the agonizing Basilik hunt would have seen what it did to Dhaos' army, right? I can just imagine what I would do with such a thing. Bad service at the lunch counter? ZAP! No more problems. Annoying Neighbors? ZAP! No more neighbors. Hate school? ZAP! Problem solved. Of course, there's always the risk of killing innocent bystanders and sucking all the mana off the face of the Earth, but who cares anyway?

And while you're at it, you could take the magic cannon from Tales of Destiny, the magic cannon from Star Ocean, the magic cannon from Star Ocean: Second Story, the magic cannon from Final Fantasy VII... anyone seeing a trend here? 8p MegamanX2K, who is decidedly not a newbie, has graced us with the smallest entry I've ever seen from him, as follows:

No Contest: Moogle Charm, SD3. I think that says it all, so I won't take up space.

...oh, hell, I will. *turns Ozzie into a moogle*

|-P

Ku...kupo? What the hell?

Oh, MAN! That's so CUTE! *hugs Ozzie*

AUGH!

Oof... some things should not be contemplated... *turns Ozzie back into a Mystic thingie*

Phew... that was... did she HUG me?

Did I HUG him?

AUGH! *run away very fast*

...Right. Anyway, having shown the smallest entry ever from MMX2K, I will now proceed to show the smallest entry I've ever gotten for a mailbag. And if Macc has gotten one shorter than this, I will be duly surprised. The entry is from Vegeta5501, and here it is. The materia. Couldn't even bother to put a subject on it, so I had a while to figure out what it was for. O_o Great job! If everyone was as succinct as this, my job would be finished in half the time!

But you'd have no mailbag.

Given what I usually get, it's not much of a stretch.

OOOOOOOOoooohhhhh...

Don't mess. Preacher is up next...?

*Preacher in background rolling dice and consulting chart to decide on an entrance*

Cid, such a hard topic this time...can I pick 3?

For God's sake, no! There are people starving in Somalia who are dying for even one mailbag entry!

What the heck, I will anyway.

...Sometimes, I really feel I get no respect.

I commiserate... really...

Go away.

I'm stuck between 3, all of which would be great to have.

First, the Air Anchor from FF3/6...I'd love to say "move and you're dust!" whenever someone ticks me off...

Second, the Ragnarok from FF 8...BYE BYE NASA!!! Maybe I could get a millionare to pay me a bunch of money to get a ride...

Third, there's a book you get in Tales of Phantasia that Klarth can use...I have no idea what it's called, but it's some book of black magic that deals out about 700 damage...OUCH! That would be great...*idiot "hey, can I borrow your pencil?" WHAM!*

And can Lunaris do me a favor and blast Ozzie? Great fun!

Cya!

No, he cannot! Ozzie only gets blasted when I SAY he gets blasted! So there! Lunaris!

SIR YES SIR!

Blast Ozzie! D'oh, no! I mean...

YESSIR ! *Take out a Few Rocket Lauchers, 3 Plasma Minicannons, 9 Gausses Minicannons and blast Ozzie ! *

OOOooohhh.... *faints*

Now look what you've done, you evil, evil person! Not as evil as this. I am not going to comment on Eden's entry, because doing so will make my brain hurt very very much. Read at your own risk.

*Eden Ride a Emu into the Mail bag room* Hewwo!!! It is me! Eden! How are we today?????? I am so sorry I haven't bin writing in, but I don't want to think that I am dipendend on the mailbag ^_^ Anywho, this is a mail bag thingy, and I will not be writing into the next weeks one, vacations and stuffs yas knows ^_~ Now, the one Item I would bring back.......is.........a.......pair....of.....levitaion...boots!!! Thats is rights! I woulds flys arounds ands steals things!!!!! LIKEs ALLs THEs "S" INs THEs WORLDs!!!!!

Ya and then I could fly and not take planes and stuffs, and fly into the cloudssss and stuffs. Ya that would be fun!!!! FUN FUN SILLY WILLY!!! Also, then I could fly and type on Cids computer and make funny things on him mail bag, like "MOO MOO!!" And "PURPLE PEOPLE EATERS!!!" And "OH MY GOD, THEY EAT MARS!!!!" Ya.... Ya see, I would tell cid what to say, but then he might leave my saysing for what he must say, in my sayings, so he wouldn't say it, I would then be saying what I say for him to say in his sayings but only now it would be in my saying ^_^ WOO BILLY!!! THE MADNESS!! Yesssss then I could fly away and live in the jungle with the bambo monssssterssss...... TEE HEE MADNESS FOR ALL!!!!

*slowly back away..*

Emus.. Emus... EVERYWHERE!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO AHHHHH *Runs away from the Mailbag room in a mad rush, madening everyone in the mad mail bag room. Untill they are so mad at the madness there madness madens the mad madness into a mader madness on mading ton*

(At the bottem of the letter the return address is "101 Madness Road, the old mental treatment center")

P.S. And now back to Cids.... ummm....errr....¿ Normal ? Mailbag.

LiteYear, the pinoeer of the unfortunate mailbag flashy thingies (YOU WILL DIE! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!) has quite an enlightening reply for us all, so we will all be very civil and listen to him very nicely until he's finished, after which we will kill him messily.

*All starts off silent, until eight different-colored beams fire from the 8 cardinal directions. One is red, one blue, one green, one white, one gold, one purple, one pink, and one brown. They collide in the center of the room, and from a man-shaped energy blob. The beams are absorbed, and I am standing where they hit.*

Whew... That took me a while to create. Now that I have competition for my crown from RPGDragon, I'd better get some good flashy enterances and exits now. In short, Cid's nightmare is becoming reality, as soon all mailbag users will have increasingly flashier enterances! I've trained them well.

Anyway, just as a quick splash of reality, they are AO games avaible. I've heard of seven, and they all have explict titles. I've seen a list on one of the other sites I visit regularly.

So what's the topic for today? Hmmm, you're cutting it close Cid. One of Macc's topics did the weapon equivlent of this...

Anyway, if I could have an item from any RPG, well, I'll just go with the Flammie Drum, with a modification to get the dragon to stay and whup some major butt. Of course, I'd still keep his function as an airborne bus, but I'd rarely use that. He could be used as my "security force". In other words, I'll just let him be a target while I pelt my enemies wit my all-powerful magic.

Umm, well I guess that's it. Sorry if that was a little lame, (I'm writing this at almost 3:00am.) but I hope that the topic is easier to write for next week. *Dissappears in a spiral of flames... Ouch, even my flashy enterences get downsized at 3:00am...*

Damn, forgot that he exits flashily before I can kill him... I'll get you yet, Cully! Just you wait! Ahem. Eden, you're rubbing off on me, and I didn't even comment on your damn entry! O_o Renan, aka Zagrius, aka Dr. Wily (don't you love it?) wants to pretend to be evil... there's some originality for ya...

Hi, this is Renan speaking, but from now on you can call me Zagrius (sounds more evil), This question is really easy for me! If I could choose any invention or magical item from any RPG and bring it into the real world, I would choose the Summon Materia: Bahamuth! I would get the materia to level 3 and take over the world! Muahahahaha!... Errr, yeah....

I wouldn't change much of it, except for making Mcdonalds make edible food, maybe make Microsoft finish debugging software before they sell it to the public, make every software company give me the first copy of every game they create, and some other stuff... Then I would make the world build a really good space suit and after testing it to make sure they didn't sabotage it so I'll die, I would summon Bahamuth and ride on him to conquer all habitable worlds in space! And then do whatever I want ofcourse.

See you next question (or will I? Muahahahaha!... Umm, that didn't really make sense, but who cares except for sane people?)!

Yeah, and how many of those read this, eh? Sheesh. As our closing entry, I present you with not one but FOUR entries which revolve around the Epoch. Interesting to see what people want to do with it, though... maybe I should have made it a separate topic. Oh well, too late. One after another, bam bam bam! Look out! Here they come!

....Mabatsekker here. I've no intentions of making this Mailbag into a stupid lollygagging competition. Okay, an Item of magical power, huh? that would be neither:

A) The Time Shifter from Chrono Cross! Imagine, all 8 hours of school everyday (High school began in wednesday, Ugh! [Ayla/Leah: Ooooga - Buuuga!])would be reduced to a measly 4! (And you can imagine how much work you would do in that time:) And if there is a boring commercial coming from TV, just one snap and you would be over with it!

B) Epoch. Now how to put this...? Uhhh..
*Make your family rich in a little moment of telling them the lottery numbers*
or
*Kill your worst enemis' parents before they get on with it*
All sorts of fun stuff, and of course, my favourite:
*Play the newest FF/Square/Cool game before anyone on the face of the Earth! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Realizes humans require H20/Oxygen to circulate bloodcells into various parts of the human body, including brains, and thus passes out, allowing the mailbag-entry to end, quite sadly* to end

I'd take the Epoch, go back in time, and seriously cripple Sony, allowing Nintendo and Sega to duke it out for supremacy. It'd be fun ^_^

SegaNet

The wind starts to blow, hard, while dark clouds are gathering. A thunderstorm begins. Lightning bolts fall down from the skie. Suddenly one strikes into the mailbag. When the light is gone, i am sitting on the place of impact with my sword in the ground...

Hello again Mailbag-gang! It is I, RpgDragon, who is gonna unveil his plans to end one of your pathetic lives and to rule the world! BWUHAHAHAHAHAHA! (coughs)

*twitchs*Dragon...*twitch*...must...*twitch*...kill...dragon...

If I could take one item from a rpg into the real world what would it be? The Epoch of course! Apart from the fact that you can travel through time with it, you don't need a license to fly it so I have a *very* cool way of transportation.

The first thing I would do is go back in time and claim inventions such as the lightbulb,tv and snack-food as my own and sell them so I would become horribly rich.

Yeah, right! Like you know how TVs work. Do you know what a cathode ray tube IS?

Then i would go to the time when Chrono Trigger was being developed and force Akira Toriyama to dump the Ozzie idea so Ozzie would never have existed (btw Ozzie, i never said that you were the green pig, you said that yourself! You must really have a low self-esteem, try plastic surgery)!

How rude.

Then i would go to the end of time were i would have my fire magic powers awakened and train with Spekkio until I completely mastered my magical abilities and am at level 99, after wich i would all the tabs i got for beating him so I would become the most powerful being in existence!

Dream on, Handbag, I'll alway be there to kick your scaly butt.

Then I would return to my own time and , one by one, conquer every country in the world with my awesome powers so I could rule forever!

And finally I would go and kill Bill Gates(god I hate that guy) and nick all his money...

(RpgDragon awakens from his dream and realise that he doesn't have the Epoch)
...Damnit well Bye!

RpgDragon stares at the ground and suddenly screams with all his might, an golden aura becomes visible around him, and he teleports himself back home...

This is Neo-Dan telepo-ing in!

DANMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Greetings mortal worms!!! I am back from my vacation in hell to bring you ano...:::BOOM:::What the...?!
Dan: I think some explaining is in order!!!! Why did you send me through the entire Universe?
Neo-Dan: Ummm...I uh...well, I guess it was uncalled for.
Dan: Damn straight!!!! I've even learned a few tricks!!!! Let me show you!
:::casts Ultima and Meteo::::
Neo-Dan: Owwwies!!!! I'm telling! Hey wai...:::destroyed by a sword swipe from Dan:::
Dan: I've destroyed my evil alter-ego, give me a cookie now!!!!

Here... these are super-explosive chili cookies, made by accident when I was poking around one of Lucca's fireball machines...

Mmmmm...You baked these yourself Cid? Wow, you're a great cook.

Flattery will get you nowhere. Neither will outright lying.

*eye the cookies*...Hey Lucca, you have to tell me the recipe of that...

Anyway, I think the invention I'd like to have would the Wings of Time from Chrono Trigger. Why you ask? Well, because it'll only let you travel through freakin' time that's why!!!! I think the first thing I'd do with it would be to go back to December 8, 1980. The place is New York City, the man is John Lennon. I'd give the guy a bullet-proof vest to protect him from the maniac that is about to shoot him. Imagine (no pun intended) what the world would be like if John Lennon didn't get shot? Anyway, after I save John Lennon I'd back to the future (again no pun...ok pun intended:p). I'd visit my future self. I'm not sure what else I'd do but...hey what's this button do...:::pushes button:::Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! :::pushed the panic button and shot off the mailbag:::

Phew... we're finished with that. O_o And we're just in time for next week's topic! Bet you weren't expecting that! OK, next week's is a bit more serious, and was sent in by Sinistral. In the last few years, people have become tired with the tried-and-true level-up, kill-monster, use-MP scheme of RPGs, so game companies have labored to come up with new ways to pass the time. But do some of these schemes go a bit too far? Star Ocean: Second Story has over a thousand items. Chrono Cross, Legend of Legaia, Final Fantasy 8, and especially Vagrant Story... people have gone nuts just trying to figure out how to play them. Are games getting too complex for their own good? Would we rather keep things simple, or get more and more involved? Are the new ways any better than the old ones at all? Send in your ideas to cidolfas@rpgclassics.com and -

Seeya!

Right. Like he said.

Hey Cid..are you SURE you dont want the toasts I've just made ?

Urgh... no thanks... I'm trying to cut down on charred remains of living flesh... yuck.

But...the C4 in them is good for your health!