RPG Classics Mailbag

Say it!

Forget it!

Please?

Dream on! Go away!

I have some extra ten-ton weights with your name on it, you know.

Really? Ozzie-brand weights?

Yep. Designed to only brain Ozzie and no one else. Now SAY IT!

Ohhh... dammit. Okay, but I'm not going to say it by myself!

I'm not that sadistic! We'll all say it together!

Whee!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUNARIS!

Aww...thanks y'all!*splatter Ozzie for the heck of it...BIRTHDAY !*

Many happy returns! Now, with that out of the way, we get to our fairly disappointing mailbag. I thought it was a pretty neat topic, AND I gave folks two weeks to answer, but I got an inordinately low amount of replies. And I thought the job class one was stupid, and got a HUGE amount of replies. Sigh... sometimes I just have no idea what's going through your minds. This is probably it, though:

And I didn't get a single Billy Crystal-like song. Even one that sucked. Anyhoo, here's our first person to make an Oscar ceremony: d Galloway.

Welcome to the first ever RPG Acadamy Awards! Tonight we will be honoring the best RPG characters, places, and series. Hosted by the much-trashed d Galloway, Quest For Glory 5's Logos, Final Fantasy 5's Faris, and Crono Trigger's Crono! Lets get the ball rolling, shall we?

Best NPC: Cid!
*every Final Fantasy Cid rushes up to the stage, where a bloody contest begins.*
d Galloway: All right, who forgot to put the game title on?
Logos: I believe it was Crono.
d Galloway: Crono?
Crono: ...
d Galloway: This better not happen again. *Takes out his brand-new Vaporizer-o-matic 3000 and vaporizes the Cids* Now, next award!

Best Evil Henchman: Ozzie from Crono Trigger!
*Ozzie rushes up to the stage*
Ozzie: Thank you, thank you! At last, I have proof of my greatness.
d Galloway: Faris, did you get everything set up?
Faris: Yeah.
d Galloway: Good. *Looks at watch* Five, four, three, two, one..
Ozzie:..and I'd like to thank Magus, and Crono, and Lunaris, and Cidolfa-*trap door opens beneath Ozzie* ..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! *CRASH!*

Best Hero: Cecil from Final Fantasy 4!
* In light of what just happened, Cecil runs up, grabs the award, and runs like hell out of the theater*
d Galloway: What? I wasn't planning anything, was I?
Faris: Well, he's gone. At least we don't have to worry anymore.
d Galloway: Crono! Get some snacks now!
Crono:.... *leaves for concession stand*
Logos: Are you sure he's the best for the job?
d Galloway: Logos, why do you have to question everything!
Logos: Sorry.

* For the sake of time, we'll skip all action and go to awards*
Best mad scientist: Dr. Morbius, Quest for Glory 5
Best weapon: Atma Weapon, Final Fantasy 6
Best series: Final Fantasy
Best sandwich: Baloney
Best vehicle: Epoch, Crono Trigger
Best lunatic: Lunaris

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

*Action resumes*

*there are only 4 awards left. Faris, Logos, and Crono have collapsed from exhaustion. Only d Galloway, with his powerful physique and caffine addiction, is still awake and alert. Now for the last awards.

Best character: Crono from Crono Trigger!
* Puts award by Crono's sleeping body*

Best Villain: Ozzie!
*Opens trap door and drops award into it*

Best Company: Squaresoft!
*The Squaresoft staff climbs on stage, allowing d Galloway to promptly incenerate them with the Magitech Cannon*

And Best RPG Classics' mailbag host: Cidolfas!
*Looks around the theater*
d Galloway: Aw crap, looks like they weren't invited. Oh well, that's that. See you all next time! *Changes into a cloud of mist and dissapears*

Now that's just rude. Hmph. And I wanted to see what Rydia would wear to the party. Andrew Miller (your worst nightmare! A newbie with a badge!) is up next.

And the NESter(I remember an awards ceremony for the NES in Nintendo Power WAY back when)for Leading Character with the Stupidest Angst Ridden Routine goes to... Cloud Strife of Final Fantasy VII, for being more interested in tracking down Sephiroth for the purposes of commiting murder, then in spending a unsolicited moment's notice on either Aeris Gainsborough, who made Red XIII contemplate interspecies relations despite the indignity of the circumstances, or Tifa Lockheart, who surname apparently seems be derived from the need to have a little extra support in her athletic bra. Woody Allen would flee in horror at the sight of her... and both Woody AND Cloud should have their heads examined...

You gotta be kidding. Squall has WAY stupider angst-ridden routines than Cloud does. Cloud's just... weird. Squall has enough angst for a whole Nine Inch Nails concert, plus groupies. (Disclaimer: I don't listen to NiN, nor have I ever been a groupie. I'm just going on, um... word of mouth, I guess. *ducks flames from irate NiN fans*)

And the NESter for Leading Character with an Actual Reason to Snivel and Whine is...Raziel, of Soulreaver. Other characters start moping because of momentary setbacks. This guy's the animated corpse of an animated corpse, whose clan has been butchered, his past a defiled lie, his brethren his sustenance, his progeniter his betrayer. And yet he never seems to lose that charming personality of his("I did not mean to disturb your rest, my Lady.") Like a 19th century Englishman, Raziel can take any sort of personal downturn and keep a stiff upper lip. "Ordinarilly, I'd love to join you for a cup of tea, my good chap, but under the circumstances, I must decline. No stomach, you see."

And the NESter for greatest proof that the Japanese have issues with inferiority complexes goes to... the personal weaponry from FFVIII. Gunblades? Nunchuku made from two quarterstaffs linked by several yards of chain? Revolvers the size of 12 ga. shotguns? "Do ye think ey's tryin' ter compensate fer somethin', Shrek?"

And we fail to mention Cloud's insanely huge Buster Sword and all its innuendoes? Shameful.

And the NESter for dumbest villain in a RPG made from an Anime goes to...Ashram of Record of Lodoss, for choosing to try to conquer the world, when the alternative was Pirotess the Dark Elf. Anyone who prefers world domination over one of the three most beautiful females on his planet makes Forrest Gump look like Stephen Hawkings. At least HE didn't pass up his chances with Jenny...

And the NESter for Taking It in Stride with Flair goes to... Cid, from FFVII. His plane destroyed, washed out at sea, and his hopes for making it into space dashed, he simply shrugs, takes a puff on his cigar, and joins the crew. Smart thing to do, all things considered, given that he ended up commanding an airship and seeing space anyway...

And the NESter for the Character Most Likeley to be Locked Up for Animal Cruelty goes to...the Vault Dweller, from Fallout, for allowing Dogmeat to subsist on the flesh of humans, as well as mutants, deathclaws, and other unfortunates. Ever wonder why those Shark attacks only involve one bite being taken out of the victim? Cuz' the shark don't want seconds... Long Pig tastes VILE! Jeffrey Dahmer should have been arrested for Culinary Incompetance! And this dimwit should have been arrested for cruelly forcing his dog to munch on the one creature with the foulest tasting flesh of any on the planet(Personally, I take pride in this. You can kill me, but you can't eat me. I'll give you the worst case of indigestion you ever saw...).

I find this unbelievably gruesome.

And the NESter for the best ultimate weapon goes to...The Hero's Spear from Terranigma. For not being a sword...

And the NESter for the Leading Character with the Best Prioritizing Standards goes to... a shared award to Ryan and Alex, of River City Ransom. There may be better ways to redeem teenage criminals than giving them the thrashing they so richly deserve. But you gotta admit, even now, decades out of date, totally obsolete, that game is still FUN... If anyone decides to Hack RCR and make a new game based on the same engine(new storyline, new scenes, new characters, maybe some new moves, weapons and improved graphics), I will personally shout their praises and call for a letter writing campaign of professional references for whatever Video Game company they desire employment at.

And the NESter for the most resiliant villain goes to... Bowser, from Super Mario RPG. He's been dropped into lava, had his head smashed, been slammed with fireballs, had more castles collapse around his head then the entire line of English kings BUILT... and yet he keeps coming back for more. "WHY do you keep kidnapping me, you idiotic dinosaur?" "Because I enjoy pain, Princess Toadstool..."

And the NESter for Cutest character in an RPG goes to... Kevin of Seiken Densutsu III(you were expecting maybe Sailor Moon? I didn't say SEXIEST, now did I?) When the moon rises, he just looks so CUTE... I wanna give him a flea dip and a rawhide chew, then take him home for a cuddle dog(that's a big furry dog that you cuddle up with in front of the TV or fireplace, using them as a pillow/teddybear. Much better, in my opinion, then any mere LAPdog...). Honorable mention goes to Dogmeat, of Fallout. He's cute, he's cuddly, he's probably rabid. Sorry, Dogmeat ol' fellow, the risk of infection/amputation disqualifies you...

Well, I hope one or two of these qualifies to be shredded in the Mailbag...

Any remote possibility of me playing Fallout has now completely been dashed. Or shredded, if you will. We have a large one now, by the inexhaustible Mabatsekker (d'you believe I spelled it without copying/pasting this time? Fear me!)

G'day! It is me, Maba! And my beautiful(??) *Gets slapped by Sirina* co-host,Lady Sirina!

Sirina: Hi everyone! We're here with Mabatsekker to give out the 200Xth Rpg Academy awards! One rule though, only one RPG series character per category!
Maba: Meaning there won't be all FF-character dominations!
*A loud "Duhhhh" is heard*

Maba: The award categories, the five that there are are:

1: Best Male Character
2: Best Female Character
3: Best Villain
4: Best Comedy Scene/Quote
5: BEST RPG!!!!!

Sirina: *Note* these are completely the views of me and Mabatsekker.

Mabat: I thank you for that one, and now, our first category, presenting our three contenders:

1: Vivi of FF9. Simply brilliant words from a view we will never understand, for he never truly knew what life was about, 'till the end
2: Nameless One of Torment one will never see the real way of his life until YOU experience it
3: Serge of Chrono Cross THE silent protagonist, being turned into his worst fear, and yet back to his true from gives us the thrill of our lives!

*There seems to be a quite the commotion in the crowd. A PC game character?*

Sirina: The award goes to...

*Drums*

Sirina: VIVI of FF9 FAME!!

Vivi: Yay! *Goes to pick the award, but tumbles on the way there*

Sirina: ^_^; , here you go!

Morte: DOn't worry chief, maybe next game...

Nameless One: ...

Serge: ..! *Runs to the toilet after eating too many Viper Churros, same with Glenn*

...Aint thoses thing poisoned?

And, next up is the Rpg Women Category, and here are our beautiful contenders!

1: Celes of FF6, her opera scene and other touching revelations about herself have risen her to our hearts...
2: Deis / Bleu, of Breath of Fire series, this too beautiful to be truth Half-Naga goddess is rumoured to be the mother of many dragon clansmen!

Rei, somewhere with Cable TV: Lookie, it's you mommy on Tv!
Teepo: *Is heard even in the award ceremony* DIE REI!!
Ryu: ...

3: And, uhhh the third.. Jaheira from Baldurs Gate 1&2!! This Half-Elf is the most annoying old wench for most but we all love her bitching!

Jaheira: HEY!! Get your arse here and I'll shove this Harper Quarterstaff of Ass-Shoving +5 up your ass!
Khalid: Calm yourself dear!

..WOA! KHALID PROPERLY SAIDE A SENTENCE?!

Jaheira: KHALID! I thought you were dead!
Maba: *Throws a bottle of "Instant Plot Device: Just add Water!" into the thrash

Maba: With that gone, the award goes to.... WEENIE FARM: CORNCOBBMEN FOR SALE?

Sirina: *Slams Maba in the head with a BIG hammer, apparently stolen from Lunaris*

...I WANT THAT BACK!

Maba: ...Celes Chere... how did you pronounce that again? [Note; One Hell of a good idea for a mailbag, ask people to pronounce too difficult words]

Celes: Oh my...! *Blushes*

Teepo, Somewhere: OH Yeah! I knew that old wench wouldn't win in something like this!

Bleu, Is heard behind Teepos door: Teepo-dear, mommy want's some private "fun-fun" with you!!

Teepo: *Runs through the wall, screaming through the ages*

AND, the third category, the one that we all wait for; the Villain of Villains!

Expendable good guys&gals: BOOOOOOOOOO!!

*Are destroyed by various overpower muchkin attacks*

1: The obvious: Kefka of FF6, this crazy Mo-fo even has his own laugh which can be heard here, and no-one else has yet achieved that!
2: Lynx of Chrono Cross, he was the hero AND the villain. Even better, At the same time!
3: Slime. Don't ask

Maba: I'm really thrilled to announce this archvillain of evil persons ever: KEFKA!

Kefka: Weeeeeeee! welcome to my barbeque tonight *Has a nice blaze done out of the expendable audience*

Slime: *Is stepped on* Blurb!!

Sirina: HURRY! Get forst aid for this poor wretch!

Rosa: Sure! Cure X-Box!

Slime: Blurb! *Is Ok*

Rosa: *Is sued by many, many Microsoft employees*

Rosa: Help, save me Cecil!

*Is saved by Cecil*
*And sued by Rinoa*

Maba: With the character awards out of the picture, we're off to our next topic, Comedy! THE subject I so love in RPGs! A sad moment? No prob! there is always something to lighten us up!
(Mabas note: Sad moments are mainly those when you lose someone you leveled up so G-Damn much!!! Like Aeris... I GOT HER LEVEL 4 LIMIT AND ACTUALLY SAW IT!! NEER-NEER!!)

Sirina: And the Comedy scenes are:

1: Tales of Phantasia: the Ship Scene where Klarth F Lester (Aka: Cidolfas' alter ego) drank a LITTLE too much with his new friend and with Arche adding her comments about Maba.. I mean Cless(I named him Maba. So sue me) it was a real cracker!

2: FF7: Any Comment of our foul-mouthed Pilot Cid Highwind! I love that guy!
- "Hold on to your Drawers and don't piss in 'em!"
- "#¤&£$¬@¬!!!"
- "@£$&¤#"§! Don't say like that! Say it more like "let's move on!" or something!!"
- "He has THE weapon: MOP!!"

*raises hand* So does Crono... no further objections, your honor...

3: Not a real RPG topic but what the hell: Any Dragon Ball Z attack.. Now THOSE are corny!
-"FAINAL FLUSH!!!" -Vegeta
-"McDonaldsenSapporo!" - Piccolo

Maba: *Is clobbered by many DBZ fans* I didn't want to use this but.. KAME FLAMER DISPOSE WAVE ATTACK OF 733TN355!!

Sirina: -_-; The winner is:

Maba: CID HIGHWIND!!!!!

Cid: Hell yeah Beer for everyone!

Yuffie: Oh gawd beer is like so oh gawd awful!

Barret: Whatcha talkin' 'bout foo?

Cloud: *Gets drunk*

Zidane, Vincent, Laguna, Any dwarf character, Irvine: *Ditto*

All female Characters: *Bang their mens heads on the wall and drag them away*

Sirina: Well... I prefer cider myself...

Maba: And I don't drink at all!

Cid Highwind: Abscholitischt baschtard!!

Maba: Right... Nad here comes the moment you have been waiting for! THE RPG OF ALL TIME!!

*BLACK OUT/WRITERS BLOCK/PRESSURE/RESET BY PEER/"WINDOWS PROTOCOL*

Maba: Sorry....

BOO! Get 'im off the stage! *throws a Molotov cocktail*

What a gyp! Um. Well, it's better than nothing, I guess. Rayman201, you're on in 3...2...

Announcer: And now from the game Earthbound, Ness and Pokey.

Ness: It's really good to be here tonight.

Pokey: This award is for the characters with the cheapest attacks. These characters can do so much damage to your characters that it's not even funny.

Ness: The nominees are:

The Grizzly Bear from Earthbound Zero found in Mt. Itoi. All of his attacks are too much for any of your characters. He uses continuous attacks and last blows. The main characters are not safe no matter what they do. The Thunder Gigas from Secret of Mana found in the Pure Land. His Blitz Breath attack can take about an unbelievable 400 HP out of all your characters. And the third is the Clumsy Robot from Earthbound found in the Monotoli building. He fires a missile that'll do a lot of damage to both characters.

Ness & Pokey: And the winner is...Thunder Gigas

Pokey: Thunder Gigas could not be here today so he wanted me to keep this award on his behalf.

Ness: Are you sure?

Pokey: Well, he's certainly not going to let YOU keep his award, mama's boy!

And the award for Least Originality In A Mailbag Response goes to... not this guy, but he gets second. O_o Bryan Johnson comes in as a distant third, though... C'mon folks! The Oscars last three hours, not three lines!

Hello. For the 'Most Disturbing Character' award, I nominate Quina, that Blue Mage from FF9 who looked like....like....I dunno what it looked like. And he/she ate everything in sight! Not to mention he/she carried around a gigantic fork!

Of course s/he carried a fork! How else could s/he eat... oh, no, I don't wanna say it...

YUMMY-YUMMIES! *eats the fork*

Now look what you've done. You astute viewers will note that I said the Least Originality Award did not go to Mr. Rayman. That's because Tracy C Smith has it cornered. 8p

Cloud!!!!!!! he should get the award for best look and coolest weapon ( can't beat a ten foot sword) and he was half bad / half good so he was the whole ball of wax . The award he should get is best main charactor in a rpg and another for coolest hair ( still trying to find a hair person to that dew for me)

You are one sad person. Here to inject some kawaii fun humor thingy into the mailbag, as usual, is BSSB.

Mwha! It ish moi,the wonderful BSSB!. I have returned from the land of endless homework and not very fun jnobs to fill your lives with caramel cookies *caramel cookie shower!*.

Now,onto the awaaards! Weee!

<Kuja> Hello all you future taco meat,I am your host,Kuja,and now worship my sexiness!

<Crowd> *insert boos*

<Kuja> *sniffle* Why you no love me? *like..trances and cast Ultima*

<Crowd> *insert terror screams of doom and stuff*

<Kuja> No,our first award goes to Rydia,for coolest female lead!

<Rosa> But I was FFIV's female lead!

<Rydia> ::like,cast Fire 3 on Rosa,before taking the award and poofing::

<Kuja> Next is Death Evan from Breath of Fire 2,for best impersation of a god.

<D.Evan> ::absorbs some souls and then takes the award::

<Kuja> And last is Ozzie and Lucca,for best make out scene in a RPG

EEEEWWWWW! *blasts Ozzie into oblivion*

Beating Fei and Elly? And Cloud and Tifa? (Ooh, you didn't know about that one, did you? Heheheheh... no, I'll never tell!)

<Kuja> Now I must go,and eat space puppies! *poof*

M'Blarg! Now I rule all lighting disco fantasy wonder cheese! Yeee Haw!
::hops in a stolen EVA-unit and flies away::

I've always wondered what she's on when she writes in... O_o Our last entry in this sorry lot is unfortunately by RpgDragon...

Lucca is busy mixing dangerous chemicals when all of a sudden they explode! The chemicals let loose some strange gas colored red/gold. The cloud starts to resemble a certain person. Just before i am recognised i shout really loud and step out of the cloud. Then the cloud just dissapears...Lucca messed up bigtime...

HELLO EVERYBODY! It's me RpgDragon back to haunt you with my freakish mailbag entries.

But before I start i would like to settle certain things.

Firstly something about Lunaris: No Lunaris your Dragon Hunters did not get me because i dispatched most of them before they even found my lair. The rest just fled cowardly. And try that again and i will destroy you all...

Next is Ozzie: Ozzie I am sorry i have been mutilating you these last few weeks but it is just so fun to see Cidolfas hurt you. I am sorry.

Eh, don't worry about it, I'm used to it.

This is for Lightyear: Lightyear I did not rip the flashy entrance/exit thing from you. In the first mailbag i ever read almost all entries had flashy stuff in them. So i did the same. Sue me. And a little competition is never a bad thing. It makes you perform better. Lighten up!

And finally the mailbag in general: Sorry for blowing you all up. I had a crappy day at work then and i just wanted to kill something. Sorry.

Okay I think i was off topic for long enough now. So here it is, the annual RpgDragon awards for very good performances in videogames or other related crap (phew that was a long sentence).

The nominees are in no particular order: Link, Crono, Ozzie, MegamanX, Cyan, Ness, Yoshi, Mario, Golbez, Cecil, Ark, Angela, Rinoa, Cid, Cid, Cid, Cid, Cid, Cid, Cid, Cid, Maxim, Butz, Lenna, Sabin, Kefka, Ash, Lunaris and last but not least: Bowser! ( everybody in the room is quitly sitting down at a long table expecting to win)

*eat some mentats*

First up is the RpgDragon award for the best hero performance in a videogame (everybody is starting to sweat) and the winner is: Crono from Chrono Trigger! (mario faints while crono is walking on stage). Crono is now standing next to me

R: Well crono how do you feel about winning the Golden RpgDragon statue?

C: .....!

R: Really that is fascinating!(snaps his fingers and crono gets dragged off of the stage)

Okay next up is the award for most annoying behavior in any game. And the winner is : Kefka from final fantasy 6! (Kefka walks on stage with his patented lough)

You have GOT to be kidding. Kefka, beating out Yuffie, Selphie, and Jar Jar Binks? Oh, wait, that wasn't an RPG... but if it was... *dreams of Game Shark Jar Jar Binks destruction...*

R: Congrats Kefka how do you feel?

K: Hate hate hate hate hate hate Uweeheeheehee!

R: You ingrate! (fires a InfernoFlare towards Kefka killing him instantly) Since Kefka is dead Yoshi is the new winner! (Yoshi attempts to go on stage but suddenly returns to his seat when RpgDragon looks at him) Here catch! (Yoshi catches the trophee with his tongue, accidently swallows it and chokes to dead)

Ermm MEDIC! Next up is the award for best all round game. And the winner is: Link from the Legend of Zelda series! (Link walks on stage, girls in the audience faint and bodyguards are trying to keep them off Link)

R: Congratulations Link with your award how do you feel?

L: I have no time for this! In 3 days the moon will fall and we will all die! I have to go!

R: ( Hurls him out of the building towards the moon) Bye!

Now is the award for best villain of any game. And the winner is: Ozzie?! (Ozzie walks on stage)

R: NO NOT OZZIE AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! ( fires 3 consecutive InfernoFlares at Ozzie killing him) I feel better now, the award goes to bowser. DO NOT GO ON THE STAGE! (Bowser sits down)

Now is the award for best advice in any game. The winner is: Cid! ( all 8 cids are trying to get on stage first)

R: This is not working, Sniper A fire! (snipers kill the cids) I will just keep the award to myself.

And the final award, the crappiest game, goes to: Ash from tokémon erm pokemon! (ash runs towards the stage)

R: Congrats Ass how do you feel?

A: It's Ash! Not Ass!

R: Ash, Ass, Bass what is the difference? Here is your price! (captures Ash in a pokeball and stomps it until it is flat) DIE DIE DIE I HATE YOU DIE! Oh crap i am still on, well this concludes the awards for this year so long everybody! (Everybody is happy to have escaped with their lives)

Okay that were the awards. I will go now cause i am getting pretty sick of typing, bye!

RpgDragon looks at his Final Fantasy the Spirits Within watch while chanting in some arcane language. Then a red aura appears around him. Suddenly RpgDragon shouts really loud and an explosion follows. When the dust is gone a golden RpgDragon award statue is all that remains...

I hate you all. If you haven't noticed by now. 8p Wait a second, what's this last-minute reply by LiteYear? Hmmm... Well, it's definitely not three lines...

*Four orbs rise from the floor and float up to about six feet. The pause there, and shoot out lightning bolts until I am created. Then, the orbs are absorbed into my staff.*

Hi Cid, Lunaris, Lucca, Evil Cid and Ozzie (see, I'm nice and actually treat you like a second-class citizen).

HIYA!

Welcome to my SNES RPG/Mailbag awards show... well, incomplete due to laziness version. First, I'm going to give you three V.I.P. tickets for you and two people you weant to take with you. I'll give you a second to think about that.

Er... yay?

Ok, now we need an appropaite place for this. Luckly, I set one up before I came. Now, if you'll just wait a second... *snaps his fingers, and everyone is transported to the academy awards set. Various RPG citizens make up the 100.000+ audience, while most of the RPG hereos/villian/important NPC's sit closer to the stage. The big screen is still there, but this time, the awards are shaped like SNES cartigages.* Now Cid, you, Lunaris and Lucca sit there *points to three golden seats in the front row* while Ozzie and Evil Cid must sit back there. *Points to two grime-covered seats about a kilometer away in the back row.* Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a show to host.

*Lights dim, and the big screen turns on.* Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the SNES RPG/Mailbag awards! *Fanfare music and thunderous applause.* Tonight, you will possibily see *Runs through all heroes/villians/important NPC's, each saying thier name, then showing them on the big screen.* And now, your host, the king of flashy enterances himself, LiteYear! *Fireworks explode over near the roof as a shadow hemisphere slowly grows across the stage, lightning bolts protruding from it, icy winds circling it, and fireballs shooting from it. The shadow sphere grows until a big flash of light dissolves it. When the light after-image dissappears, I am standing in front of a crystal podium with the microphone attached. The applause continues for several more moments until I accnowledge the crowd.*

LiteYear: Thank you. Thank you for this beutiful welcome! This is the 1st (and probably only) SNES RPG/Awards show ever! Looks like we have plenty of sucidal fools, I mean brave souls on hand. Now, just to tell people how this show will work, first I'll announce the award, then call up a special guest, then the special guest will talk about the B.S. history of the award, then name the nominees, and then the winner. They winner will then come up and seak his/her mind, then leave. RPG's will be represented by their lead characters. *yawning* Ok, onto the first award, the Best RPG overworld! *applause* Now, to present the award will be Selan from Lufia 2.

Best... overworld? I don't think I quite want to know how you judged that one...

*Selan walks out to the podium with her theme music (well, I hope she had theme music), and I just stand back in the shadows (like I'll do with every guest, just so I won't have to print this again).*
Selan: Hi! Wow, I feel so hounred getting to present the first award! Now, the Best RPG overworld is the one that was the most fun to explore, and had the best areas. Now, the nominees are:
Chrono Trigger
Final Fantasy 3
Final Fantasy 2
Breath of Fire 2
Lufia 2

Selan: And the RPG award goes to *opens envelope*...
Final Fantasy 3!!!!!!
*Terra comes up, in her human form to applause*
Terra: Wow! I can't belive it, the the world of ruin had enough appeal to win this award. I'd like to thank all the game programmers for making bot worlds expansive and enjoyable. Thank you all! *more applause*

LiteYear: *Watches Terra and Selan leave* Well that was certainly boring. Let's see is we can spice things up a bit with that last awards anti-thesis: The Worst RPG overworld! Presenting this award will be Ayla from Chrono Trigger! *more applause*

*Ayla does a triple flip from the edge of the stage, and lands at the podium.*
Ayla: I here to present award for RPG world that looks like 3-week old reptite soup. And nominees are:
FF Mystic Quest
Super Mario RPG
Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
Earthbound
Secret of Evermore

Ayla: And award for Worst RPG overworld is *opens envelope*...
Earthbound *Boos as Ness comes up*
Ness: *sniff* You people all suck. I hate all of you. You make my game *sniff* look like an embarsement. WAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! *Two people in black T-Shirts with FOX on the back take Ness away as the audience laughs at him.*

LiteYear: Ahh there we go. Our first mental breakdown of the day. Now, on to the award for the funniest RPG. Presenting the award will be Ganon for the Zelda series!
*Ganon walks out, to a silent audience.*
Ganon: Well, after having my ass kicked by Link so many times, I decided that I needed a break from the serious business of trying to dominate te cosmo. So, I tried to find the funniest RPG I could find. So, the 5 that I debated over were:
Earthbound
Final Fantasy 3
Chrono Trigger
Secret of Mana
FF Mystic Quest

Ganon: And, the one that I chose as funniest RPG was *tosses away envelope*...
Earthbound!
*Jeff comes up to the podium to gentle applause (like on a golf course)*
Ness: *from off-stage* WAHHH!!! All you people still hate me!!!
Jeff: Ahem. Earthbound was a halirous RPG. I was in stiches when I saw the script for the first time. It left me in stiches. Anyway, I gguess I'll thank the script-writers for making this humorous enough to win the award. *Walks off*

LiteYear: Well, now it's time for a Mailbag award. For those of you unaware, the Mailbag is a weekly publaction about answering serious topics in the corniest way possible. So, the Mailbag award for Best Mailbag topic will be presented by none-other than the tourtured octopus himself, Ultros!
*Ultros rises from a trapdoor on the left side of the stage, and walks over to the podium.*
Ultros: God damnit Macc! Why the hell do you keep putting those under me? Anyway, I guess I'd better get this done, or I'll have no relief, which wouldn't be much of a change anyway. Ok, the nominees for the best mailbag topic are:
The Clichés
The Battle Royale
Macc's final mailbag
The RPG music
The RPG wardrobe

Ultros: And the award goes to *opens envelope*...
Oh god no! Not the Battle Royale
*Big weight with 1000-T inscribed on it crushes Ultros. Macc then comes up, takes the award, and walks off. Ultros and the weight are removed by trapdoor.*

LiteYear: Oh yes, Macc Maverick, a man of few words, especially when it comes to money. The next award will be the Prettiest Woman Award. Presenting the award will be the womanizer himself, Edgar Figrao!
*Edgar walks on the stage, smiling at all the ladies he passes by, until he gets to the podium.*
Edgar: Man, I love woman. I'd just like to say that I'd like to go out with each and everyone of you! ... *crickets chirp* Anyway, the five most lusious babes I've seen are:
Terra (FF6)
Marle (CT)
Celes (FF6)
Rosa (FF4)
Selan (Lufia 2)

Edgar: And my favorite babe is... *looks in envelope, then tosses it*
Celes!
*Celes walks up to stage.*
Celes: Well, I just have two things to say. First, I'd like to thank everyone )except Edgar) for making this possible. Second, Terra, KISS MY ASS! *Celes walks off leaving the audience shocked.*

LiteYear: Well, how can you top that? Well, maybe by having an award for the most useful character in an RPG. Now, to present the award will be FF6's Shadow!
*Shadow walks up to the podium, completely oblivious to the crowd.*
Shadow: Damnit, I should be a nominee for this award instead of these five. I shouldn't have to read this, but oh well. The nominees for Most Useful Character is:
Frog (CT)
Lucca (CT)
Princess (SMRPG)
Gogo (FF6)
Terra (FF6)

Shadow: *sigh* Any the award goes to *opens envelope*...
Princess? What kind of ed up shit is this?
*Princess walks up on stage*
Princess: AH HA HA HA HA! I'm better than you, Mario! mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha *keeps laughing as she walks off stage*

LiteYear: Well, that was... interesting. Well, to once again show lack of diversity, here is Giglamesh presenting the Useless Character Award!
*Giglamesh runs on stage to the podium*
Giglamesh: As you know, I run from everyone except these 5 useless people, who are:
Edward (FF4)
Mallow (SMRPG)
Marle (CT)
Umaro (FF6)
Tia (Lufia 2)

Giglamesh: And the one that sucks so much that even I could beat them is *opens envelope*... Edward!
Edward: Oh yeah? Let's see you try.
Giglamesh: Fine then. Excalipur attack!
Edward: *Takes 1 hp of damage, which flings him through the roof* Looks like I'm blasting off again!!!
Giglamesh: ... That was unexpected. *Runs off stage*

LiteYear: Holy shit! Giglamesh actually taking someone out (even if it is Edward) is amasing. Ok, for *cell phone rings* umm excuse me, I have to take this. *Picks up phone* Hmmm... uh-huh... ... WHAT? What do you mean the network only gave us an hour? I should... well, ok, but I expect full payment by Thursday. Bye. *Puts cell phone away* Well, I guees the show is over. Well, I guess I'd better collapse this dimension if it isn't going to be used any more. *gestures with his staff, and an earthquake starts, cracking the roof and shattering it. The people in the VIP seats are transported back to the mailbag, while everyone else is left to find their own way out.*

Well, I guess I'd better go, but I wonder how Evil Cid and Ozzie will get back, not that I care how or anything. *Warps away in a beam of light like Megaman.*

...Well, it exists... that's the best I can say about that reply. 8p Okay, I've been pretty nasty to the people who wrote in, and I apologize, because if I don't no one will ever want to write in again. But c'mon, people, I can only make up so much stuff; the reason it's called a MAILbag is because I need some good MAIL! Two weeks I gave you, and this is how you reward me? Fine! See if I care! I'm going on vacation! Next week, Ozzie's gonna host the mailbag!

Say WHAT?

You heard right. And the other people will get their chance too. But I definitely need a break. So why don't you send him some stuff, yes? The stuff you will send him has to do with the following topic, which came to me after reading a review on how much FFX will change the FF game system. Do you think old-school games are on their way out for good? Even in the PlayStation era we got games like Dragon Quest VII, Wild Arms, and Tales of Destiny, all of which were old-school at heart. But will the next-gen games destroy old-school completely? Or will we still see some throwbacks? Ozzie has also misappropriated my e-mail address...

Quite a job, too!

Groovy...

...So send in your stuff to cidolfas@rpgclassics.com!

Seeya!

...Hey...THAT mean I'll get to do a mailbag too! WOO!!! FEAR MORTALS FEAR !