RPG Classics Mailbag
Welcome, one and all, to my slightly evil mailbag! I get to use a desk of mediocre evilness, and a bag of fairly evil mail, and extremely evil sidekicks!
...Being called evil by you is one of the biggest insulte yet! 'Sides..I'm NOT evil!
Riiight. Wait a sec, wait a sec... before I start. Ahem. Haha... BWAhahaha... MWAHAHAHAHAhahahaHAHAha*breath*MOO-HOO-HOOEYhahaHAAAAA!
Did that serve any point whatsoever?
Oh, sure! Very cathartic. Let's see our first moderately evil response, by Lamer9389, also known by people who hate him as Crystalys.
Ah, the evilness is bliss....
Blissness of evil...
Ok enough of evilness now down to evilness!
Oh, hi Ci-dol-fas.
I'm NOT him! I just LOOK like him! If anyone else calls me that I'm gonna... I'm gonna use a button on this desk, that's what I'm gonna do! Ooh! You are SO scared now, I bet!
...Get me outta here.
Why did I put -'s in your name?
Tempting... yes...wait... I don't have a stick. Crap.
Since we're on the topic of bad guys.... not really but anyways.
I mean all he does is say Ozzies in a pickle! then he turns to ice.
I object to that! I've beaten up plenty of slushies, so I have! That's a derogatory remark, it is!
Now on the line of some evil bad guys.
The best darn tootin game in the routin toutin world.
*points to a big hole in the ground*
*follows the direction of his finger* ...Yes? It's a hole. I'm not in it. Yes?
That can be arrenged, Pig-lizard...
Ok, now let's first, say what Weigraf's plan was. Then we'll point out his mistakes. and say what he should've done.
Before he starts: There are FF Tactics SPOILERS here! Beware!
I thought you were evil! Why would you care?
There's evil, and then there's just mindless annoyance. I like to think of myself as an artiste.
Weigraf wanted to make some changes in Igros, so he made the Death Corpse. He didn't want to do it the sly devious way, so when Gustave entrapped Elmdor and said that he would give him back for money, he slew him.
RUN AWAY RUN AWAY.
Alright alright! We heard, we heard!
And woe in behold...
So there it is. If Weigraf wouldn't done all of that.
All in all Weigraf could kick most bad guys asses any day of the week!
*scribbles on a pad of paper* This is good practice for my psychology degree... patient is obviously delusional... seeing imaginary Mystics falling in imaginary holes... ooh, the possibilities! Very expensive! I have next Tuesday open, come see me sometime. Bring your wallet.
So that is my post.
OK this is codename Lamer9389 signing off.
Phew, that's a relief. I'd have signed off for him if he'd kept this up. What a doofus.
Wait... if you sign off for him... then wouldn't YOU have to leave instead...?
Uh... now what gave you that idea? *sweatdrop* NEXT! This is...er, Gaborn. Sorry, Cid nicked all the exclamation marks when he went on vacation. I have some nice tildas, though: ~~~~~~ Doesn't have quite the same flair, does it?
*the door to the mailbag opens up and in strolls (bum
bum buuuuuuuum) (dramatic reverb) Gaborn*
DAMMIT! I told you not to call me that! *eyes desk* On second thought, maybe I'd better not. Ozzie! Get over here!
What? Whaddaya want?
Won't you be kind and generous and press this button?
Hell no! I tried that last week! Forgeddaboutit!
Oh... looks like niceness won't work... Lunaris! Get over here!
What the HELL d'ya want, crappeth minor evil?
Won't you be kind and generous and injure Ozzie in a very painful way?
Sure thing!...But not because I'm generous!
Ghhkkkk! *presses button* *is squished by a ten-ton weight*
He'll get over it. *puts an X on the button pressed* Well, only sixteen buttons left. Ozzie, it's gonna be a long night for you.
Little lunaris over there *eyes lunaris* wasn't very
nice to me last time, so what if I acted a little
weird, well no more of that from me. Well, anyway, I
think if I could change anyone villain's plans to
destroy/conquer the world, it would probably be Kuja
from FFIX because he never even killed Zidane or any
of them when he had the chance, what idiot would leave
his enemies alive if he KNEW they would kick his ass
later? I would have killed them right away.
*shurgs slighty*Bah, I got a whole unlimited dispencer of 'em...Say Evil Cidoarufs, wanna some?
No thanks, they give me wind. And here is one by d galloway. Get a shift key for your e-mail, man!
An evil villain, eh? You want us to help an evil villain, most of which are just about the same? Come on, that's plain idiocy! Of course, since this is the mailbag, I will answer your question in the strangest possible way: Math! No, the villains aren't using the math, I am! Through the many RPGs I've played over several years, I have created a simple formula that will show the audience what a villain should do. For my first example, I will use Ozzie, since he's available, and because he's an idiot.
Now, Ozzie's goal was to conquer all of humanity, thereby creating a world run by Mystics. Of course, he was sent plummeting to his death, ending his wicked scheme. The formula for this villain, this circumstance, and this unusual death is:
Exdeath discovered the secrets of a powerful force known as "the void". Seeking to conquer the planet, he smashed the crystals, combined Galuf's and Butz's worlds, and swallowed whole towns through use of black holes. Of course, the heroes came and stopped his wicked schemes from finishing (although he did get close).
So all he had to do was not kill the non-heroes, destroy the airship, seal the black holes, get rid of Gilgamesh, and kill the heroes first chance he got, and he would have been victorious!
By the way, since it's my habit to do cruel things to whoever is hosting these next few weeks, I will put Evil Cidolfas into an equation:
How annoying. Lessee, where's that spellbook... ah! *POOF*
Funny, now I have this odd urge to snap at flies. Here's one by Andrew Miller! I really have to get some exclamation marks; I feel all naked without them!
*slowly edge away from Evil Cidolfas*
In Final Fantasy I, Garland could have succeeded by sicking all the Four Fiends on the Light Warriors right at the beginning, when they were all rank ameteurs, instead of tackling them personally, when he was somewhat... lacking, in fighting prowess.
In Final Fantasy VII, Sephiroth could have succeeded, by not killing Aeris, thus not giving Cloud and Avalanche incentive to track him down to the ends of the Earth even if he'd repented of his evil ways, then getting Shinra to handle them instead. Why dirty his own hands and risk his own neck against a guy who'd already beaten him once five years previous, when Rufus would have done it for 20% of the new Divine order?
In the Legend of Zelda I, Gannon could have beaten Link if he'd simply waited for Link to enter Spectacle Rock, then sealed the entrance with a great many bombs and moved to some other dungeon stronghold until Link died of starvation, removing any need to engage the 15 year old with the Master Sword and Silver Arrow personally, which is kind of like Superman going toe to toe with criminals armed with kryptonite daggers.
In Crystalis, the Draygonian Emperor could have won, by realizing the folly of fascist, imperialistic methods of conquest, instead opting for negotiations and diplomacy, conquering the world with the power of the gold coin and silver tongue instead of the iron sword.
Hah, you call that winning? I call that selling out!
In Terranigma, Dark Gaia could have won by summoning Ark home from the overworld immediately after he ressurected Beruga, performed a marriage ceremony for him and Elle, then let them live happily until the Crystal Blue they were formed from dissipated. Much easier and smarter than trying to kill a Hero who has already proved himself to be quite persistant in a not dying sort of way.
In Shining Force, Darksol could have won by not provoking Max into forming the Shining Force and hunting him down for sacking Guardiana. Far better to simply utilize diplomacy and corruption to ensare countries, rather than sacking them and destroying the base of production(workers, factories/shops, perishable resources) that makes them so valuable to begin with.
I'd have more, but in most of the RPGs I enjoy, the villain is either merely misunderstood(Ultima VI-the Gargoyles were no more monsters than the Gypsies north of Trinsic were honest traders), or there was really nothing the villain could do against their nemesis, either because they never saw them coming (Fallout, Fallout 2), or because the hero was far too intelligent and/or possessed too many allies to lose to the villains(Ultima V-the Avatar running around with the Resistance pretty much spelled doom for the Shadowlords and Blackthorn). (I should note that in my opinion, Ultima VI was the last TRUE Ultima, since after that, Origin truly forgot what made it great, didn't listen to the complaints of it's customers, and that's why they've now gone out of business...)
Sorry, never actually played an Ultima game... here's one by "Igatona the Wacky Iga Ninja!" I won't ask. I probably wouldn't understand the answer if I did.
This is Igatona here. My favorite villan is probably Tatsuya Sudou of Persona 2 : Eternal Punishment fame, he is not the end villan (far from it), but he could have made the end villan's life so much easier by staying minded on his mission instead of vengeance on his dad. I admit the guy was a wacko, but still, you can't go wrong with a guy that says "Voicesvoicesvoicesvoices! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THE VOICES!" then attacks you. Also, if the bombs he placed into the Sky Museum weren't in the sides but in the middle, the heroes would have been dead, well, except for Tatsuya Suou, but Tats Suou alone wouldn't have been able to cut it.
That or he could have killed Philemon.
Moving right along, maybe someone will mention something I've actually played...
Well, yes, exactly like... HEY, just what are you implying?
Nothing, nothing at all. *whistles innocently*
Grr... if you actually worked here I'd fire you!
*mumbles incoherently* Rayman201, now, he must... d'oh!
I would have to use Giovanni from Pokemon Red, Blue, and Yellow. First off, he could hire better henchmen than the dumbasses that're part of Team Rocket now. One of the members of Team Rocket in Celadon City tells you not to check behind the poster in the Game Corner, that's there's no switch behind it. DUH!!!! Did anyone say anything about a switch behind a poster. If he hadn't of done that, the main character probably would've never known about that and the Team Rocket hideout would've never been discovered. By saying "don't check the poster at the Game Corner, there's no switch behind it", you make the character suspicious and they think, "there's a switch behind the poster at the Game Corner." I see that kind of thing on TV all the time where someone tries to tell someone else not to check a certain area because that's where the other person should check.
That's called reverse psychology, it is. Nasty game programmers, eh?
Second, Giovanni could've gotten Pokemon of all different kinds, not just rock and/or ground kind (with of course, the exception of Kangaskhan who's a normal kind). He also could've powered them up to high levels so that he would've won the battle against the main character. His henchmen could've done a better job training their Pokemon too. Third, instead of making you fight their Pokemon, the members of Team Rocket could've just stolen your Pokemon like they do on the TV show but they would have much more brilliant plans than anything Jesse, James, or Meowth could think of on the TV show.
OK, enough of the obscure games!
Er, I thought Pokemon was the most widely-played franchise in world history?
Yes, but I've never played it! There's something way too non-evil about horribly cute monsters hitting each other and fainting instead of dying! So it's obscure. QED. No, don't talk to me about logic, it's not something I bother reading about. Lessee what MMX2K has to say... ooh, this has gotta be evil...
One Word: GYM. Some bad guys (Exdeath, Kefka, especially the Sinistrals) needed to train. Bad. Maybe they should go out into the world and fight and get Exp. Or, just get a lifetime membership card at the all new Bad Guy's Gym and work out a few days every week. Of course, there's also the idea that Sephiroth could have hired the Weapons as final bosses before the final boss...
Yep, that's a good one. Or Ozma for Kuja. Or Omega Weapon for Ultimecia, much as I hate to say it. Or me before anyone at all! Bwahahah!
*knockdown Evil Cid with a foam Sledge hammer* What was that!?
Nothing, just my ego taking over my mouth again... Here comes LiteYear, everyone duck!
*A tornado appears in the center of the room. It grows and grows until almst the entire mailbag is envloped, but then, a massive lightning bolt hits the tornado, dispelling it, leaving me with my GBA in the center.*
*Looks at the desk* Oh dammit. Will Cid ever return? Maybe my unexpected visit caused him more physco-tramatic effect than I thought. I though he'd be back last week, but I guess I was wrong. Anyway, hello Evil Cid, Lucca, Ozzie and *glup* Lunaris.
Lunaris, I'm so sorry for not replying to your mailbag last week. I sort of got sidetracked with my GBA, and my new SPC player, and the fact it was my birthday last week. So, everyone now say "happy birthday, LiteYear!"
Happy Birthday, LiteYear!
*forms a very sharp ice spike over Ozzie's head* Say it or die.
Thank you all. So, Lunaris, will you forgive me?
*Lunaris points the gun at him* Oh shit. Well, time for plan B. *Channels energies through his GBA with Advance Wars currently in it, and big tanks, rockets, bombers, and other AW units appear*
Go my army. Go and spill the blood of the innocent! *Units seem to shrug, then start to go back into the GBA*
No no no! Go attack Lunaris! *Units start to climb back out and attack with all they have*
*Explosions all around. Lunaris seems to be defending himself well enough, but can't make any head way with the endless stream emerging from the GBA.*
*Ozzie dies by a misfired blast from a Md. Tank. Evil Cid also get hit, but he doesn't get hurt (stupid host perks.)*
*Several minutes pass, and the mailbag is slowly being destroyed by all the firepower.* Ok, I've had enough of this.
Me too! Ozzie can't die, he's a mailbag entity! Any more of this mindless destruction, I'm warning you, and I'll have to recruit you!
*LiteYear uses CO power, Frozen Wind. Lunaris is instanly encased in a giant block of ice. Every unit now stops firing.* Well, he can't move, but he can't be hurt either, and since this is only tempoary, I'd better hurry with my mailbag response. Well, first, I'll reply to his topic.
Is that allowed? *turns to Lunaris* Can he do that?
Oh, right. Frozen. Well, I'll let it go this time. I'm not as nice as Cid! Remember that! Really!
Well, there are two RPG plot holes that I don't entirely understand. First, in CT, when you destroy Magus in his castle, how the hell do ou survive being thrown into that big gate. Isn't that gate supposed to be Lavos emerging? So why are you sent back in time instead of being destroyed? The second plot hole that I don't understand is in Lufia 2. How in the world did Dekar survive having an entire multifloor shrine fall on top of him? That's one that I have never figured out myself.
As for the linear/non-linear games, my vote would have to be just different. I think that non-linear games have a pretty crappy story. I mean, it hard to hold a cohesive plot together when you have 4 different branches that you can do in any order. However, that brings me to non-linear games strong point: variety. The variety offered, I think, counter balances any story loss, unless order/choice of paths doesn't matter at all.
Now, for this week's topic. I think that Dark Macc should have transformed while he had Macc trapped n that capsule, and cut Macc in half. That way, Dark Macc could continue his reign of terror, until he inevitibly meets me, RPGDragon, and Pikachu to a battle to the death for ultimate villian supremency! *Defantizes* Of course, that'll never happen, but it would still be cool.
*Reads topic again* Oh, you mean RPG villians. Well, I think Kefka should have killed everyone in Thamalsa, instead of just knocking them unconcious. I mean, you have the ultimate power, and you still let your enemies live? *sigh*
*Lunaris unfreezes from the block of ice.* Oh crap.
*Lunaris uses CO power, Nuclear Explosion. The room is encased in a white light, and everything/one is vaporized except for me, my GBA, Lunaris, Lucca, and Evil Cid.*
*Picks up his GBA* Well, Lunaris, while you were frozen, I responded to your mailbag. See? *Shows Lunaris the entry* Well, how about we call a truce now?
I throw in this for free: A miniture RPGDragon doll that, no matter how many times you blast it, will always be replaced.
Ok, whew. I don't think the Mailbag could have held up much longer. *Tosses Lunaris the RPGDragon doll* Well, I guess I've done enough damage, so I'll take my leave. Until next week, goodbye! *Sinks through the floor Ultros style*
*rematerializes* He scares me.
Wimp. Here is, er, Billy Oliver, with yet another game I've never heard of. C'mon, peoples!
Hi every body its your favorite demon king. So this is my third mailbag entry! I think that if Faulkner from Vangaurd Bandits had just killed Bastion(the main character) after he had killed his father..or something he could have ended the game. But there is a bad ending so just by the game and lose the final battle if you wanna see a freakin' awesome boss kill a green haired loser. Thats the only person I could think of so until next time i'll see ya.
Favorite demon king? How many demon kings do we have?
I didn't know we had any.
Well, then, I guess he is my favorite, since he's the only one I know. Yay! Okay, here's another newbie, Daria! Dare I assume... a female newbie!
I think the simplest way for any evil nasty villian to suceed is squash the interpid heros with their strongest troops first. I mean dammit.... they always let the slimes and orcs attck first, and then they move up to something stronger, then a little stronger still and then are surprised when the good guys not only kick their ass but level up in the process.
Oh and I love it when the arche baddie is going to kill the lowly 2nd level heros but then... gets called away on "important" buisness leaving the weaskest most incompetent underling in charge. I mean cast that freaking bolt 4 on the buggers before running off. It's not that hard to.
It's no wonder the heros are always pansy ass 15 year old boys.
Yes indeed! If they were any stronger, those pansy ass villains would have no chance in hell of beating any of them! Of course, if I starred in an RPG...
You'd get your behind whupped. Probably same level as a slime and orc.
Yes... but I'd get it whupped with evil!
That makes absolutely no sense.
I know. Isn't it wonderful? Here's our last-minute reply by Megaman984.
Oh. So Evil Cidolfas is running things now, eh? First Ozzie gets your email, and now Evil Cid. Who's next, Evil Evil Cidolfas? Oh well, on to the response.
There is no Evil Evil Cidolfas! If I had an evil side, then Cid would have a good side and an evil side, and an evil evil side, and the evil side would have to have a good side to have an evil side, and the evil evil side might also have a good side, and... I think I'm going to lie down.
I'll leave out the whole talking about my favorite villain and go straight to what any villain could do to win.
First of all, villains shouldn't send out henchmen in the beginning. If I were some big old bad guy, I'd just go and slaughter the heroes before they had a chance to even reach level 10. I mean, that just makes sense. Sending out blundering henchmen like Gilgamesh while you rot away in your tower is not a good idea. It's an even worse idea to send out the blundering henchman again and again. If you do that, you can't possibly be the evil genius you claim to be.
*Mess around the RPGDragon doll with voodoo things*
Secondly, if you ever capture the good guys, just kill them. Don't give them a chance to escape. Don't go about making preparations for an elaborate death. Just kill them right then and there. You can display their severed heads later as a deterrent.
Finally, if you can transform, do so at the beginning. Don't wait for the good guys to get to level 99 for you to change forms. Just transform into your angel or whatever form and kill the good guys at the beginning. This rule goes well in hand with the first one.
If a villain followed these rules, they'd succeed. There would be no need for a final battle. No need for defeat. It would be all victory for the villains. But they can't do that. Know why? Because the video game companies want the good guys to win. I think they should please we people that know how to be villains with a game where you play a villain. I could conquer the world easily then.
Didn't we have a mailbag about this before...? Oh wait, Rast made an RPGMaker game like that! Go look at Rast's Lair, very nice. Bob's Adventures. Play as big evil Minotaur and fight the evil good guys, or something. One very last reply by Yaradovich Kramer, and then I really do have to leave... evil things to do, you know how it is...
No, not really.
My favorite RPG villain is Kefka. Let's see ... how could he have modified his nefarious plan so that it would have succeeded?
Well, his entire nefarious plan was, "Destroy everything", so I guess there's little room for improvement there. Yeah right.
Besides that, there are two very big reasons why his plans failed. The first reason is that he didn't make sure all his enemies were completely dead when he rearranged the face of the planet. (And incidentally, I don't think I'm the only one who finds it odd that, even though the surface of the planet was rearranged, the various towns retained their relative positions, when they weren't completely annihilated. Must be pretty selective destruction.)
The second reason is that, in the final battle, instead of becoming some all-powerful form that nothing could TOUCH and blasting his enemies out of existence, he participated in a battle where damage was based on HP and when HP ran out, you died. Also, he carried a Megalixer, which Locke could steal and use after he (Kefka) used his Fallen One attack.
All in all, having a plan as vague as "Destroy everything and create a monument to non-existence" is a dumb thing to do, and I don't reccommend it to any aspiring insane global tyrants. Thank you and good night.
PS. My first name is pronounced "Yuh-RAD-oh-witch". The V is pronounced W. Like a Russian accent.
Another dissenter. I'm telling ya, if it was for these guys we'd never have a decent villain anywhere. Sheesh. Well, that's it for now, so sorry to see you all go... for next week, though, in an effort to keep Cid away again, I hooked up Megaman984 to do the mailbag!
All right, that's enough chatter.
This sounds familiar...
Shaddap! Anyhoo, here's his topic: "Talk about RPG Bosses. Who was the easiest? Hardest? Funniest? Etc... Hey, you can even make up your own boss!" And you can send him hate mail at firstname.lastname@example.org. Huh, how original. Anyway, it's been fun... I'll see you another time! Same Evil time, same Evil channel! BWAHAHAHAHA!
Seeya! *pushes big green button and Evil Cid falls down a plot hole* Hey! It worked! Bwahahahaha!
*blows Ozzie away with various Light-anti tanks weaponry*
*keep messing around with the Voodoo doll sum' more *..And dont forget kiddies! Daggerfall is a GREAT game!