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RPG Classics Mailbag

YAWWWNnnn.... oh, are we back already?

Finally! What the hell were you doing, shoving your stupid mailbag off on everyone under the sun?

I no host mailbag! Want yummy mailbag!

Shut up.

Well, everyone needs a break... besides, I keep getting all these snide remarks about how Macc was so much better than me, and shouldn't I be learning from Macc about how to run a mailbag, and Macc is always funnier than me, and... grumblegrumblegrumble...

That's my line.

Well, anyhoo... we try another tack. Giving up is for losers, right?

Well, by definition...

You KNOW what I mean, sheesh. Okay... our fairly desperate idea from last week involved criscrossing RPG worlds with those of real life movies, TV shows, or books. You'd think that'd give people enough leeway to come up with something really spectacular, no? No. Well, let's see what we DO have... starting with someone named Diesel. I stocked up on exclamation marks, so !!!!!!!

RPG's and movies(hey that rhymed!) eh? Well I can't think of a better book/movie to base an RPG around than Frank Herbert's "Dune". Yea yea I know they already have Dune games but they all suck(in my humble opinion). I would make a war on the planet Arrakkis and the heroes would be the same from ff5. Faris would have a huge Sandworm instead of that wimpy fish. The quest would be to stop the Atreides from trying to make the planet all green and rainy again. Plus Syldra the Sandworm would die if it was all wet. The spice would be sort of like what gave them their skills. Of course ExDeath would have to be head of the Atredies because he was too damn funny not to be in it. Gilgamesh would be his sidekick as always. The main part of the story would be them tracking exdeath across the desert to try and stop him from reaching the Fremen water traps. And more good stuff like that, sound interesting to anyone else but me? (closes his ears so he cant hear the snoring)


Sheesh, open your mouth at least.

*SMAAAAAASH Ozzie on the head whit his Foam Hammer*


You're offending our readers!

Oh... least I dun somefin right...zzzzz....

Sigh... anyway, here's Doc Shinryuu. Yello!

Hey Ciddy! Doc Shinryuu here (again ^_^). Why have you been getting the mailbag so often? Anywhatsis, on to my response. I think a good game/book combo would be FF9 and Harry Potter. Just think of it: Imagine Vivi teaching Black Magic, Eiko teaching White, and Dagger teaching Summons. There may be a lawsuit of some sort between Squaresoft and J.K. Rowling, but who cares?

Certainly not me! If I cared about lawsuits I'd never have written this topic!


Yes, thank you. *shiver* Brett Marek is next, and he's another newbie!!!!!! ...!

Hi Cidolfas.

Hi! ...Er, was I supposed to say something else?

This is my first time writing to the mailbag.
If I could make an RPG/Media cross-over I would probably take the world of Final Fantasy VI and mix it with Star Wars. What would happen is Emperor Gestahl would be like the Emperor Palpatine and Kefka would be Kefka. Kefka does a way with Gehtahl and tries to destroy the universe, instead of just the world. Well what do you think?

HAH! You call that an evil plot? You call THAT an evil PLOT?

What do you call it?

An evil plot, I think. Not a particularly good one.

You're one to talk. Besides, didn't we deal with this last week?

Yes, but I didn't get to watch!

Maybe if you'd behave yourself... nah, too much to ask. d galloway is next, and he is not a newbie, so I will not give him any !s. ...Evil me, you still have any tildas left over?

Sorry, all out. I used them for an undocumented purpose.

I won't ask. Mainly because I don't care.

Cidolfas returns at last!!! Yippee! Here's your award from about 6 mailbags ago; looks like you deserve it!

ERROR: Said award seemed to just kind of not appear. Oh well.

Anyway, for today's topic, I would probably cross the worlds of Hybrid Heaven (RPG- don't believe those that say otherwise) and Ender's Game (Book- one of the best I've ever read). The only reason to do this would be supported on the fact that both of the alien races in these stories were basically insects. Of course, there's the slight drawback that the aliens in Enders Game were non-evil, while the aliens in Hybrid Heaven were evil invarnate. I see much tension in the result.

Another good cross would be Final Fantasy 7 (RPG) and the A-team (TV Show- I pity the foo' who don't watch Mr. T!). The only reason for this would be the distinct similarity between Mr. T and Barret. In this mistake, Barret would form the B-team, get chased by evil Shinra soldiers from the original game (don't ask me how they got there; I'm not good enough to form an excuse), and fight with the A-team until Mr. T throws him helluva far.

That's all! You can stop reading now! I mean right NOW!!

And Barret also has a line in FF7 where he says "Who you callin' Mr. Barret? That just don't sound right!" Mr. T could say that too, and then he'd just be called T, which would be confusing, because people would mistake him for a nonalcoholic drink. DarkAni (?) is up next. I *think* he's a newbie, but I can't be sure, because so many other people hosted the mailbag without me. I'll say he's a half newbie and give him a bunch of half-exclamation marks :::::

Those are colons.

No, my brother's a doctor. I know what a colon looks like, and it's a lot more yucky.

Gack. Never mind.

This is a tough one....
Combine Final Fatasy V with Chrono Trigger and Celebrity Deathmatch, and have it be Chrono vs Burtz, Ozzie vs Gilgemesh, Lavos vs Neo Ex-Death, and finally, Flea vs Faris.

O-kay... not really what I had in mind, but fine, fine. We print anything here, don't we? We have no compunctions! Send us money!

And lawyers! We need lawyers!


Ones that specialize in contract breaking! The address is -

*headbutts Ozzie with his RPG Hero Hair*

What? What was I saying? Who am I?

Right. Our next one is unfortunately by RpgDragon.

*A red, a gold and a voilet bullet fall on the floor. For a moment nothing seems to happen. Then, suddenly, the bullets explode! When the dust is gone the powder from the bullets is forming my body...*

Greetings Cretins! It is Me, RpgDragon, with a mailbag entry after my long absence! Did ya miss me?

...Cretins, huh? No, I can't say I did miss you. Do you usually miss people who enter, insult you, say inane things, then leave?

Er... that's a bad thing?

You need to work on that evil thing. I'm sure there are support groups for it.

I do NOT need help! I am perfectly fine the way I am!

*writes in notebook* Denial... yup, proof step two.

...thought not. Ah well on with the topic.

I would cross the world from Tales of Phantasia with the world of Lufia 2. This would result in Dhaos joining The heroes (both parties) in an attempt to overthrow the sinistrals so he could once again be the boss. But since the party would become so bloody big the sinistrals would notice them and very easily destroy them.

Well that certainly sucked. My apologies, it is late and i'm very tired. But i swear on the head of ozzie that next time my entry will be better!


*RpgDragon absorbs himself causing a blackhole wich totally destroys anything nearby wich happens to be ozzie, then fireworks shoot out of the hole into the skie forming the words: RPGDRAGON IS BACK! REJOICE!*

*clapclapclap* Amazing! You managed to completely misread the question!

Been a while since you saw that, eh? Let's see if we can make up an excuse to use it against MegamanX2K!

EarthBound+Seinfeld=Insanity abounds...

*begin insane scene*

Jerry: So I said, "No, I wanted the muffin!"
*canned audience laughter*
Something that looks like George Castanza, but with a MrSaturn head:And she...?
Jerry: *nods head*
Some irate neighbor shouting through the walls: Hey, Seinfeld, your jokes suck!
Jerry: Excuse me for a moment...*grabs baseball bat and heads outside*

*words "SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" are seen*

Jerry:*return* Well, that sure was a CRITIC-al hit.
*canned laughter*

*end dream sequence*

OK, that's enough out of me...I even exceeed my own insane capabilities. .

No, that just doesn't make sense. If you exceed your own capabilities, that means you're capable of exceeding them, which means your capabilites actually aren't your capabilities, which means... Wait a minute. Quantum impossibility! Cold fusion! Got it! *runs off*

... I definitely don't want to see this one. But maybe Rayman201 has something I want to see?

I would cross Legend of Dragoon with the TV show Passions. So many people keep secrets on that show and I would have the characters from Legend of Dragoon beat the truth out of them with their weapons. Also, there are lots of interesting bad guys on Passions and they would make great enemies for Dart and his friends to fight.

Since I've never played the game, nor seen the show, I can't comment much on this one, can I? O_o We now have Megaman984 up.

Another Megaman?

Yep, I'm partial to Megamans! Anyone named Megaman gets printed!

Anyone not named Megaman also gets printed, though.

Sssh, you'll give away the secret!

Hope I'm getting this in on time... *Grumble grumble*

MM984 has missed a few deadlines, people... heheheh... if you want your letter printed, try to send it in by Saturday afternoon!

Hey Ciddy. Glad to see you're finally back. Didja have fun on your little hiatus? Well, I've said it before, and I'll say it again, on with the Mailbag!

I would cross FF6 with a movie world. Can you guess which movie? I'm sure you can... What? No guesses? Fine. It's the Soylent Green world!

This is just a rough outline. Other stuff would happen in it, but these are the major things. Don't read if you don't want Soylent Green to be ruined for you. It would star Locke Cole as the role that Charlton Heston played. Mog would be the old curmudgeon of a roomie. Celes would be Shirl, the piece of "furniture" found in the dead Strago's apartment. Oh, and Kefka would be the head of the Soylent Company.

It would progress as a street punk named Edgar would use a Drill to kill the old Strago while his bodyguard Sabin and Celes are out. Locke would be sent to investigate by the Chief of Police, Setzer. While there, he would fall in love with Celes and "confiscate" a few items such as fresh meat, fruit, and a book.

As Locke further investigates Strago's murder, his roomie, Mog, will become more and more tired of life. Eventually, he'll go to a big building run by Cyan where he can choose how he wants to die. Locke finds out, and while there, Mog tells him a secret that he learned at the Classroom in Narshe.

Mog dies, and Locke follows the body to the Dead Recycling Center. While there, he confirms Mog's horrible secret. He rushes out of the Center and tries to get in touch with Setzer, but he is being chased by Sabin who was sent by Kefka to eliminate Locke. The game ends in a climatic scene in a church with Sabin dead and Locke going insane. At the very end, he yells out "Soylent Espers is made of Moogles! You've got to tell them! Soylent Espers is Moogle!!" The game fades out, and we're left with that calming piece of information.

Stop, your freaking me mean they actualy put the FUR in it? Eww...

And that is Soylent Espers. You like? No? Well, fine. See if I care! Anyway, I have a Mailbag topic for you. It's something along the lines of people just saying which guest host they liked the best in the period that you were gone. Hey, if you feel like it, you can even include Spoony Bard's, X's, and Celes' Mailbags since they guest hosted at one point. Anyway, I be gone.

Begone, foul fiend! No one would possibly like those other wackos more than me! Right?!

*complete and utter silence*

Fine, be that way! See if I care! You can send in that if you want, but I don't consider that a real topic... I'll tack it on at the bottom. Before we get there, a last-minute reply by Future Trunks, long time no see!

Hello Cidolfas! Good to see you again after so long!

First off, I would like to say one thing. Ozzie, die. When someone makes responds to not one, not two, but TWELVE responses, you should EXPECT them to be short. For your insolence...

Eat Kamikaze Fireball, asswipe!

Now I consider that unnecessarily violent.

HU-RRAAAAAY! It was awmsome! Great! Bravisimo! Excelent!

Like I said.

*rematerializes* That was funky.

Is that a situation of "Beam me up, Scotty?".

Well, now that that's over with I'll get on with the topic. Hmm ... let's see... "If you would cross an RPG world with another world from movies, TV, or books, what would it be and what would happen?" Well, that sounds fun! I'd probably cross FF7 with X-Men. We could see how a REAL team of heroes would hold up against the likes of the Weapons. A one-on-one match between Wolverine and Sepheroth would also kick ass. Hmm ... let me simulate it for you all...

Sepheroth: *slices his sword into Wolverines arm*

Wolverine: *wound heals instantly because of natural regeneration* Is that the best you've got, bub? *jumps up on top of Sepheroth and immediately starts clawing up his chest*

Sepheroth: *knocks Wolverine off* Grr... Prepare to die, you freak of nature!

Wolverine: Who you calling freak, shiny eyes?

Sepheroth: That's IT!!! *lunges at Wolverine while in a slashing rage*

Wolverine: I... *cuts Sepheroth's sword in half* ...don't... *shoves his claws directly into Sepheroth's heart*

Sepheroth: *gasps in a mix of fear and pain*

Wolverine: ...think so. *throws Sepheroth to the ground and kicks him a few times, then leaves him there to die*

Of course, he would somehow survive and become much stronger. And the whole team fights him ... no ... wait ... the team decides that for no apparent reason only 3 should fight him.

Well, that's my Mailbag, thanks for reading. The animation was made by Crystalys.

Yay. Well, that's it for this week! We haven't done a "serious" topic in a while... so here goes: Which RPG artistic style do you think is the best? The sketchy, serious, slightly wacky style of Yoshitaka Amano (FF1-6, FF9)? The sleek, futuristic hero look of Tetsuya Nomura (FF7, 8, and 10)? The noseless wonders of FF Tactics? The fun, cutesy style of Legend of Mana? The Gothic look of Vagrant Story? Or something I haven't mentioned yet? Give me your choice and tell me why you choose it. Oh, and *tacks on* you can also mention which mailbag host (besides Macc, because if I include him I *know* what everyone's answer will be) you liked the best! Send it in here!





Did you took your RPG Hero Hair Gel today?